How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

And not have it go wrong!

We KNOW it’s challenging to talk about sex… that’s why so few people do it.

We’d rather sex just…happened. 

If this is you, you’re not alone. 

In fact, most of us believe this is how sex is supposed to be- natural and spontaneous. Isn’t it? 

Maybe, if you’re an animal, purely having sex for procreation.

Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, humans are much more complex than that! We can create so much more.

So if you want a better sex life than you’re currently having, finding a way to talk about it is absolutely essential. Couples who talk find much greater satisfaction in the bedroom. And outside of it.

We believe that the real reason most of us don’t talk about sex is not that we shouldn’t have to, it’s fear. 

Fear of being embarrassed, ashamed, fear of hurting our partner or being rejected ourselves.

(We can assure you that going months or even years not having sex that is good for you will hurt your partner, and yourself, much more.)

And mostly fear of being vulnerable. Of being seen in our sadness, fear, frustration and insecurities. Even with the person we care about the most.

Because talking about sex is a very vulnerable thing to do. Even though it’s everywhere around us and a normal part of life.

People would rather do any number of scary and challenging things other than this.

This is because there’s no one right way for sex to look. Despite what porn, the romance industry, your favourite blog, your mother or your best friend tells you. It’s totally up to you to decide what to do in sex. 

Nobody else is in your bedroom but you.

Where do we start?

And that’s the first thing to do. Have your conversations about sex outside of the bedroom, rather than in it. Where there is less potential for things to be misunderstood and hurt created. 

Make a time where you are both relaxed, not distracted, with more time for curiosity and exploration. If it helps, set a time limit, so you know there’s a finish line in sight.

Remember this is the first of many conversations. You don’t have to get everything sorted in one go. It’s too big a topic.

Start with simply owning your fear and embarrassment, which makes it ok. . Have no doubt that your partner will be just as scared as you (even if they’d rather die than admit it).  

Follow this with a compliment. Something that is honest and true for you about what your lover does that you find enjoyable.

Or, something that you appreciate about them. 

Knowing that you have some value to the person talking to you helps minimise the fear.

Does talking directly about the sex in your relationship feel too difficult? Start with reading one of our blogs on the topic and discuss it.

Set up rules of engagement:

1. Seek to explore, understand, be curious and non-judgemental. Keep the conversation as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.

2. Speak more about what you DO want than about what you don’t. 

3. Keep it simple. Explore one area at a time. For example, how to invite sex – what works for you, then move on. This makes it more likely you’ll get somewhere. 

4. Absolutely avoid blame. Take responsibility for your part in what is happening. Sex IS a co created experience. Ultimately, you’re responsible for your own pleasure and feelings of connection (or lack of them).  Just like you’re not responsible for your partners’. As they are not responsible for yours. There are many things we can each do to foster pleasure and connection, what we do them is up to us. Knowing this can help empower you to create more of what you want.

5. Avoid trying to get your partner to better meet your needs through criticism. Criticism invites shame in this vulnerable place and a negative reaction from your lover. Imagine how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end.

6. It’s not easy, but don’t take your partner’s comments or desires personally. Remember that your partner’s comments are ultimately saying more about them than you. 

7. Agree that any time either of you feel triggered by what your partner says, you’ll take a couple of deep breaths and let it go. You’ll get much further by being able to stay present, than going off on a tangent. Agree to take a break if you need to.

So it doesn’t have to be perfect.

You don’t have to get it all right, or even have it not be messy.

Just make a start.

Then, reassess your sexual map regularly, as your sexual desires will change over time just like you do. And even if talking about sex doesn’t go well the first time, keep trying: the gifts of lovemaking are too big to ignore. 

And if you would like support in having this conversation contact us here for a free, no obligation chat.

Or call Graeme on 0457966696, or Annette on 0437966696.