By giving them the gift of feeling really seen…
One our deepest longings as human beings is to feel really seen, appreciated and loved.
It helps us to feel that we are OK at a deep level (and to believe in ourselves).
It can help us feel more connected to the one who sees, appreciates and loves us.
One of the ways we can help our partners feel seen, appreciated and loved is through the art of giving.
There is a trick to giving though
Often when thinking of giving to someone, we think of what we imagine they would like to receive.
Which is usually a reflection of something we would like to receive.
Because our partners are unique individuals in their own right, sometimes our gifts can really hit the mark, other times they can miss. Or even be way off target.
Annette and Graeme learned this by experience
Annette recalls years ago giving Graeme a gift voucher for a massage at a local Spa. This was something she really would have loved for herself.
To her surprise Graeme was really challenged by the idea and said it was last thing he could do. He wasn’t being mean, he had his genuine reasons. It was very early in his tantric journey and it’s something he would relish now. The main thing was it was off the mark back then.
Graeme was also initially surprised at the effect unexpectedly giving flowers had on Annette. To him it was a simple gift, yet the impact on Annette was profound. Flowers at first brought her to tears and continues to deeply open her heart to this day.
The same is also true of gifts given in the bedroom
Whenever Annette gives Graeme’s lingam (wand of light, penis, cock) her direct attention without him having to wait, he really enjoys it. He finds he can let himself go in it just that bit more, feeling a deep level of acceptance.
Graeme learned to allow Annette’s Yoni (sacred space) muscles to melt around his lingam as he entered her. Rather than him pushing his way through into her. This created a huge shift in Annette’s ability to fully receive Graeme. And for both of them to scale new heights in lovemaking.
When thinking about giving, think of what they would really like
To find the answers to this somewhat difficult question there is a direct solution.
It’s to ask them.
Even if we think we know what they want.
This is because their answers can be very surprising!
They can even be unfathomable to us, but that doesn’t matter.
It’s what matters to them that is important here.
Asking involves a much higher level of vulnerability, but is worth it for the results.
The best way to do this is to make it a relationship practice.
Discuss the idea together and agree to try it. Agree to approach the practice from a place of non judgment of each others desires. This way you’ll make it safer for them to be expressed.
Step 1. Write a list of 10 things that you would most like to receive from your partner.
They can be sexual, but they don’t have to be. They can be anything at all.
Feel into your heart for a few minutes to uncover what you really want. It can be different from what you might first think.
- being read sexy novels to
- having your hair brushed
- just being held whilst naked
- having an certain chore done
- being touched ‘there’
- sending a text during the day
- help with budgeting
- saying I love you before you leave for work
There will usually be one partner who has trouble limiting their list to 10.
And there will be others who will have trouble getting past 1 or 2.
It’s important not to judge this difference, as it likely comes from childhood.
Make 10 the definite limit so you focus on the most important ones. If 1 or 2 is the most you can come up with, start with these. You may find over time it gets easier to identify your desires.
Don’t derail the process at the start.
It’s really helpful to avoid including any things that have any angst attached to them. This doesn’t mean avoiding things you fear your partner might laugh at, or not want to do (let them decide that). It means things that have caused negativity between you in the past. You might want to work on these areas as you get more practiced at communicating your desires. But it’s better to leave them out in the beginning, ensuring you’ll get the best results.
Step 2. Swap your list for your partner’s.
When you receive your partner’s list, let go of any judgments you may have.
- Refrain from commenting about anything on the list.
- Instead, receive them deeply.
- This is your partner’s vulnerability right on the page in front of you.
Step 3. See what is possible for you. Scan and cross off the list any things that you genuinely couldn’t see yourself doing. But be prepared to stretch yourself a little in this if you can, there will be growth in it for both of you. You don’t need to tell your partner about your no’s.
Step 4. Give your partner the gift of offering them something from this list on a regular basis.
Not from obligation, from love.
Let the love flow.
Know that your gift will help your partner feel really seen, appreciated and loved.
Nb. If your partner doesn’t ‘get’ it straight away, let them know this is something off their list.
Make it a practice to update your lists every 2 or 3 months.
More payoffs from this practice
With the little hurts that happen in our day to day relationships build up over time, our primal brain starts to unconsciously see our partner as a threat. This can cause us to want to protect ourselves, rather than reach out to connect with them. Giving heart opening gifts can help reverse this trend. It doesn’t replace sorting out the bigger issues, but it smoothes the way for them to be sorted.
This practice builds your relationship skills in:
– taking risks
– showing up
– listening without judgement
– seeing each other as unique individuals with unique desires
– stretching yourselves to meet your partners desires (where possible).
A great outcome from a simple heart opening practice!