Are you fearing loss of attraction for your partner means your relationship is over?
Does this loss of attraction make it hard to find a spark of desire when they move towards you?
Attraction is that luminous and exciting feeling that lifts you out of your ordinary every day self and draws you mysteriously towards your partner as if they, and only they, can fill your deepest desires.
Yet over time feelings of attraction in a relationship often wane, and this loss of attraction leaves people fearing they’re no longer in love. Graeme and Annette have been in this place, questioning the value of their relationship many times over the years.
Our minds try to find a solution
They found that our logical minds will come up with some obvious reasons as to why this attraction is no longer present.
You might see that your partner has put on weight, no longer puts effort into their appearance or has become lazy around the house. Perhaps they seem resentful around you all the time and spend hours looking at their phone, tv or computer screen instead of being with you. They might no longer have any real desire in their lovemaking and it’s become pretty mechanical and unsatisfying. Passion has become a thing of the past and talking about it seems impossible. Erections and orgasms are no longer a certainty.
You assume this is the reason for your loss of attraction.
You then fear that if you’re no longer attracted to them the reason must be that you’re no longer in love.
We fear a loss of attraction when our bodies no longer perform
For often our sexual problems are the body’s way of communicating messages to us that cannot yet be put into words or understood. Symptoms- emotional, psychological and sexual are your hearts way of getting you to look more deeply at your underlying truth. Your body will no longer allow you to deceive yourself.
We’ve found that our mental assumptions are usually a distraction from what is actually going on under the surface and looking a bit deeper will give you answers you can do something about. Answers that will allow you to reach mutual understanding and empathy, re igniting the spark of both attraction and love in ways that can surprise you, making your loss of attraction a thing of the past.
Take Paul and Susan for example
The chemistry between them was obvious in the early years of their marriage. Recently though, Paul has been unable to sustain, or even gain an erection and when he does sex is a hurried affair in order to ‘get to the end’ before his arousal wanes. This approach leaves Susan feeling unattractive, rejected and deprived and causes her to question their relationship. Also, Paul’s regular criticism of her weight gain has left her self-esteem in tatters. Paul saw Susan’s weight as the reason he was no longer interested in her. Both were left believing that their attraction for each other had ended and that love had died.
Trouble was brewing
Susan then had a one night stand to prove to herself she was still attractive, and as a cry for help in her relationship with Paul. Paul was hurt, angry and even less able to make love with Susan now he saw her as ‘cheap’; and he found her regained self confidence daunting.
Paul and Susan had trouble talking about their situation and conversations soon erupted into blame and arguing. They were unable to hear each other through the judgements, assumptions and interpretations they made were making about each other, as well as from their fears of their own hurt.
Support helped them find a way though
With support Paul and Susan were able to see the impact these behaviours were having on each other. They learned to stay present long enough to hear each other’s experiences fully and regain some empathy.
Susan expressed her shame and self judgment about her affair, and how it had pained her to hurt Paul so deeply. Paul was able to feel Susan’s pain and this then allowed his own heart to soften. He was able to express his feelings of sexual inadequacy after her hot night with another man, and his fears about satisfying this newly confident woman. Susan was able to make it clear to Paul that it was really great lovemaking with him and all he meant to her she wanted, rather than sex with a stranger.
Susan was also able to express to Paul how much his past criticism of her appearance had shut her down emotionally and sexually. Paul was then able to see that his criticism had been an outlet for his own self judgment from a flare up with his mother that he’d had difficulty in dealing with.
Both attraction and passion were restored
As a result of looking under the surface for their hearts messages and meeting in vulnerability Paul and Susan found their passion and desire for each other surprisingly renewed, and problems with orgasms and erections magically disappeared.
So, if you’re having fears about your level of attraction to your partner and the lack of desire you’re feeling as a result, don’t get caught in your mind’s assumption about what is happening.
Trust that what is happening in your bodies is a sign post to the answer rather than an insurmountable problem.
And go a little deeper into the truth that lies in your heart.
As has happened for Annette and Graeme time and again, inside a loss of attraction amazing solutions can be revealed.
For support in looking under the surface of your situation contact Annette & Graeme today, as statistically the longer you leave it the greater the risk to your relationship and it doesn’t have to be this way.