We’ve all been through it.
Lying there trying to enjoy what’s being done to us whilst really wanting to scream “It’s not working!”.
And we’ve all heard the whispers about the fragile male ego and how it cannot tolerate any kind of criticism. So we lovingly stay quiet, thinking we’re looking after him, because that’s what women do. Because we might believe that sex is only for men’s benefit. We tolerate whilst foregoing the chance of real pleasure for ourselves.
Or as men we believe it’s about giving our woman pleasure and we can only take our pleasure through hers. Or in the last few moments in our orgasm. We can’t ask for anything else. Especially something simple, like just being held or stroked. Because that’s not manly or something. And it keeps our hearts locked up and lonely. And in performance mode, which is not what she wants either.
Just because it’s “normal” doesn’t mean it works
These are really common scenarios, but we have to say, they’re fucked up on so many levels! Why? Because they don’t work for anybody.
We have heard from thousands of men that they just WISH their lovers would let them know what they want. And thousands of women who wish their men would bring their hearts into sex.
This shows that your lover really cares about you and wants you to have a good time. No matter what story you might have running in your head.
And that it’s only in books and movies that a man instinctively knows exactly what his woman needs, every time, to give her maximum pleasure.
Sure, with attention and practice a man can get very good at giving pleasure.
In reality, most men will admit to stumbling around in the dark, or sticking to the one or two things he knows. All the while just wishing she would open up and tell him what she wants. And thinking there is no place for him outside of performance.
Ask without blame or shame
Of course, it makes sense to let your man (or your woman) know what you want without blaming or shaming him.
Think of it this way. Your body is like a finely tuned, high performance race car that your man has been given access to. (Even if it feels to you more like an ageing VW). He is thrilled to be given this opportunity. You have the instruction manual inside of your head, so you saying what you want is the ONLY way he’s going to know how to drive it. He NEEDS you to speak up. It sets him free from failing, which is even more of an ego hit and a desire dampener.
Imagine you asking for what you want in a direct, matter of fact way. Like an instruction manual that he can understand. Without too many words or embellishments, so that he can really hear you. And positive feedback about your response.
Our bodies are a force of nature
Because it’s been said many times, and it is so true. A woman’s body is different every time.
It depends on the day she’s had, the environment she’s in, how she feels about herself, how connected she feels to her man. Or whether there are there any desire downers happening, things that turn her OFF, that are different for each woman. So using the same techniques every time is going to evoke a mediocre response.
When men are honest, there is more to feeling sexual desire than just having the opportunity. They too can be sensitive to the circumstances that are happening. They too can have desires they’re unaware of if they aren’t listening to their bodies.
Using techniques is the worst way to have sex anyway. Co creating something TOGETHER is where the magic lives.
This means it is VITAL for a woman to speak up and ask for what she wants. For men too.
It’s 2024
It’s no longer the time for us to hide in shame about our desires, to remain silent and miss out on what we’re capable of.
And if you don’t know what your desires are, it’s equally important to find out!
Listening to your BODY is the best way to begin finding out what you want.
Our desires are often unconsciously shaped by what we’ve seen, or heard about sex. We think we should want to be tied up, try contorted positions, use the latest vibrators or have pounding anal sex.
When in reality, we might not want any of these things (and it’s OK if we DO too). If we slow down and listen to our bodies, we might find out that is something different. We might really want to have our neck or lower back massaged, our inner thighs stroked, our perineum massaged or be kissed long and sensuously.
Speaking up about the things our body actually wants may start small, but they can lead to AMAZING places. Because they’re real in the moment, rather than a conditioned idea we’re acting out.
Taking the risk is worth it
Taking the risk to ask for what we want is a great shame buster as well. It shows us that we don’t have to be controlled and limited by shame. We can choose for ourselves.
Asking for what we want in the bedroom has other benefits as well. It can springboard us to being more confident in our relationships and daily lives too.
Great sex lives outside of just tolerating what we’re getting.
It lives on knowing our bodies and learning to listen to them.
And it lives on the other side of feeling the fear and asking for what we want.
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