Connection – the No. 1 challenge in relationship

What is it we seek in relationship?

The definition of a relationship itself is continually evolving,

and offers many different things- love, companionship, intimacy, sharing, to end aloneness, to find meaning, for someone to witness our journey and much more.  The main essence of relationship is connection- and the main reason people suffer in relationship is when this connection that has disappeared as we find ourselves behaving in all sorts of unhelpful, desperate, needy ways…

The No. 1 reason for the disconnect in relationship lies in how easy it is for us to disconnect from ourselves, we try and think our way through life rather than  include our feelings as a vital part of who we are, as feelings are so often judged as messy or inappropriate…And even more importantly it is so easy for us to think we are feeling when in reality we’re thinking our feelings rather than actually feeling them. This leads to the disconnect between who we thinkwe are being and the potential that exists in actually being who we are. It is the Ego’s way of fooling ourselves into thinking we are being real so it stays in control.

What does it look like to think your feelings?

-If you notice your experience of your feelings is all in your head.
-You have no direct experience of what is happening in your body, which is where feeling mostly happen.

-Troubling feelings seem to hang around for a long time, no matter what you do to try and “fix” them.

-You create mind generated emotion ie. feelings that arise as a result of what you are thinking such as feeling nervous about a job interview and creating awfulizing thoughts about how badly you believe you will do so increasing your fear.

-We are less open to connection as we are not “home” in ourselves to connect with.

When we are thinking ourselves into being we are creating a self that is based on the needs of our ego selves, our ego who looks for approval, sameness, an avoidance of suffering and a maintenance of control or power.  This is all very well if you want to experience a limited existence. However, if you are wanting to really live you need to take that step from the head into the body, to feel and connect with what is really going on, and this will also allow you to hear the wisdom of your heart.

So how do you actually feel?

Stop for a moment.
Breathe more deeply, breathe out through your mouth.

Focus your attention on your body, especially your belly and chest.
Simply notice the physical sensations there- maybe tightness, heaviness, flutterings, aching, lightness, tingling, even blankness or nothingness, as these are feelings too.

If you need to put a label on them- anger, sadness, fear, joy, peace, relaxation etc

Allow them to be just as they are.
Often you will notice that they can be different from what you think you are feeling, or they can change.
Allow, allow, allow. Drop into it.
This is different from being overwhelmed by your feelings, as YOU remain there watching.
The YOU that just observes without judgement. Your larger self that is always there, in fact your Divine self.

Acceptance of feelings allows your heart to be heard and wisdom to come. Your heart speaks in ways that can be very subtle (and occasionally roaringly loud), it needs time and your attention to hear it. Keep an open mind, develop your sixth sense, stay fully present to your feeling body and see what comes.

Then you are back in connection with who you really are.