From Motherhood to Bedroom Goddess

How does a woman make the transition from the all consuming role of Mother back into that of a sexual being?

This question came up for me in the lead up to Mothers’ Day, seeing surprise gifts handed out to ‘deserving’ mothers on daytime TV. I noticed the gifts appeared to be given specifically to the very traditional type mothers- selfless givers with no thought of themselves and for whom caring for others was their life’s work. All of them were humble and embarrassed to be receiving anything. Beautiful women, though not what I would call empowered sexual beings, who I perceive generally to have more of a sense of themselves, whilst still caring about others. The mainstream TV show was unlikely to focus on anything that would challenge traditional views on motherhood yet this question still arose for me about what happens for mothers with their sexuality. I am not a mother so I cannot speak from my own experience but I can refer to experiences of the many women I have worked with who have been confronted with their own particular challenge in this area- is the idea of a sexual mother an oxymoron, perhaps even something forbidden? Can a woman be both a mother and a sexual being at the same time or does she at some level need to reject one to become the other?

 

For a woman becoming a mother is an all-enveloping experience. Conceiving (ironically through the act of sex), carrying and giving birth to a new human life is a momentous achievement. It would be hard for a new mother not to be overwhelmed by love for the tiny new born who has been a part of her body, who relies on her for their very survival and radiates unconditional love. This love is something some women never recover from (and some struggle to find), for them no other love is ever the same, especially the more complicated love they have with the other adult in their life.

 

Particularly in the early years, being a mother IS about the constant doing for, giving to and protecting of children not yet able to do so for themselves. As the children grow older motherhood is an ongoing role nurturing and supporting. Motherhood involves a lot of giving out. Motherhood is a time of total selflessness with little time or energy, depending on how much support she has, to devote to herself, making it a challenging place to fit sex into. Even if she enjoys sex all of the above can make the idea of it quite overwhelming.

 

As a society we have this idea that being a mother and being a sexual being somehow don’t mix. Indeed, the most celebrated mother of all became pregnant by immaculate conception! I am aware of mothers very ashamed to acknowledge that the nipple stimulation from feeding their babies can result in orgasms; though it appears quite common it’s rarely spoken about. Enlightened doulas (midwives) are helping women to experience what is known as orgasmic birth, with the pain of their contractions transformed into pleasure, a cataclysmic shift from the traditional western birthing model that shows us birth is not as far from sex as we might think.

 

Women who haven’t had a healthy relationship with the sexual part of themselves, or who have had uninspiring lovers and not enjoyed lovemaking can see motherhood as an escape from something they resent and are only too happy to say goodbye to. Even in the best relationships motherhood can mean men are sexually left out in the cold for a year or two post birth, and possibly much longer. This is a situation both need to work with to create a positive long term outcome. And no fellas, begging does not count. Check out this article ‘And Baby Makes Three…’

 

Of course Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis had a bit to say on the subject with his theories about the Oedipus complex and the influence of his work remains today even for people who haven’t heard of him. His theory said that all children see their mothers as the satisfiers of their desires and as they grow old enough to have sexual desires the mother becomes an object of sexual gratification for them, a big no no because of its incestuous overtones. Of course, this is more about the child’s experience than the mothers, but it has likely informed the idea that mothers should be sexless to keep their children safe. Unfortunately, a surprising number of children have sadly still been sexually abused by their mothers, both boys and girls, even though it is a little acknowledged or studied phenomenon fuelled by our belief in the sanctity of mothers and their separation from their sexuality.

 

The idea of sexual mothers is rare enough to be celebrated as a genre of pornographic fetishes known as MILFS, or sex with mothers I’d like to f..k, no doubt by men wanting to be taken care of in their sexual experience and still about the woman giving out.

 

Sexuality is partly quite a selfish pursuit, with us focussing on ourselves, our pleasures, our desires to connect with another in order to end our aloneness. It’s also about receiving; receiving attention, receiving pleasure, even another’s body- the opposite of a mother’s giving out (unless she is receiving her partner for his benefit rather than her own). So it can be quite a shift for her to be able to get back into herself and be sexual.

 

And finally, society gives such kudos to the exalted role of motherhood it can be hard to give it up and focus on the much less often approved of (except privately by men) sexual part of herself.

 

Yet women are NOT just mothers, they’re also sexual beings and there are benefits in rediscovering this part of themselves. Such as an overall higher level of energy, passion and availability to life, greater self-confidence and self-esteem, a removal of guilt and relationship insecurity ie. will my partner look elsewhere; and an increased closeness and intimacy with her partner. Saying yes to your sexual self can include the suggestions in Nurturing Your Life Force Energy, learning some new ways to feel sexual, bringing in a Tantric flavour to your lovemaking or coming along to a Power of Yoni workshop.

 

If you would like support in reconnecting to your sexual self, or managing the disconnect as a result in your relationship contact us here or call 1800 TANTRA.

 

 

 

 

 

We keep saying it, and we will keep on saying it until it is heard-

Every man’s potential in sex is so much greater than he realises….

As men, our beliefs help create our reality in sex….

Men often hold the common belief that a woman’s sexuality is a mystical and secret garden difficult to comprehend, let alone master.

Yet, when viewing their own sexuality, men tend to believe the opposite is true about themselves, that sex for them is simple, reliable and straightforward.

Believe it or not, having these beliefs is actually limiting your sexual satisfaction.
Learning these Skills is simple, as Oztantra specialises in relationships and sexuality and these skills are introduced in all our workshops, retreats and sessions, both face to face and via skype or other medium.

Other common beliefs about differences in men and women in sex are:

Women require time to warm up, to be in the mood and be ready.

Men are constantly in the mood and ready for action.

Women look for emotional connection, safety and presence.

Men only need visual and physical connection.

Women need romance, foreplay and heart connection.

Men only need a time and a place.

Like most common beliefs there are grains of truth in them.

But have these basic differences in the bedroom become something else, a more serious imbalance?

And is this imbalance the result of men having a very limited view of their own sexuality?

Yet men are naturally multi orgasmic, and that ejaculation and orgasm are two seperate functions and understanding this is the beginning of being able to achieve this for yourself

What if 6 minutes was just a beginning?

When reading about Tantric sexuality, it is easy to gain the impression that men can achieve and experience much more in their sexual pleasure than the average of 6 minutes.

If this is correct, then why does such a huge disparity still exist between what is actually happening for men in sex and what is possible for them?

This disparity can also be applied to women and their sexuality.

But in many ways women have made more significant moves forward over the last few decades with the discovery and claiming of their pleasure spots and sexual needs.

In our work with couples, particularly in dealing with men and their sexual issues, we firmly believe that most men only achieve around 10% of their capacity for pleasure from their sexuality.

The Crockpot and The Microwave

It is frustrating and demeaning when men are “sucked” into believing the sexual stereo type that women are like crockpots in sex.

Let them simmer away all day and by night they’re juicy and tender, where men are like a microwave- stick it in hard and fast and a few minutes later beep, beep, beep he’s done.

It’s not you, it’s your conditioning…

For a boy, this belief and the conditioning that supports it starts very early in his life.

Boys are generally being hugged less than girls and influenced not to be an emotional ‘pussy’, boys are told to be tough and not express their feelings. Physical contact is only through rough play and use of his intellect is encouraged.

When these boys start discovering their sexuality through masturbation (self pleasuring) they’re most often afraid to feel and instead, tend to get it up and over and done with as quick as they can, going straight for the good bit at the end before they get caught.

As a boy matures, this trend continues, getting it up and over and done with before his lover changes her mind, or before the kids wake up.

And when middle age kicks in, men get it up and done with before collapsing into sleep, their lover losing interest or them losing their erection.

This addictive habit of going hard for the end result from the very beginning has,without a man’s awareness, numbed feeling in his penis (lingam), limiting his ability to feel what he’s capable of during sex.

Uh Oh…Oops!

Unhealthy self pleasuring later creates problems for men in relationships,because of what they’ve conditioned themselves, most often from a shame place.

This often works against them in lovemaking with their partner as they get older.

During lovemaking, real pleasure comes from him having more sensitivity rather than less, having more full bodied rather than just lingam focused experiences and taking his time rather than rushing to the end.

Getting it over and done with is a habit that is very difficult to turn around as frequent ejaculation for the sake of ejaculation easily becomes a very tough habit to break.

Regularly we see middle aged men (or their partner’s) lose interest in sex because they don’t recognise or can’t get past this issue.

Moving Beyond What You Know

At this point it is important to understand that for men, ejaculation and orgasm are two very separate functions.

Because they usually occur at the same time it’s easy to see why men believe they’re the same thing.

Women ejaculate separately from orgasm and their experience is very different.

Genital ejaculation for a man feels good and is its own pleasurable experience, but still falls a long way short of the full body multiple orgasmic pleasure he is capable of.

Quick and frequent ejaculation is enough to keep the 10% group interested in sex but talking to men who are caught up and locked into this old habit we hear they suspect there is more possible.

They might look longingly at their frequently orgasming partners and simply not know how to discover this for themselves.

Combining this lack of knowledge with the numbness developed from harsh self pleasuring techniques and limited emotional connection has left men with a real problem.

Learning From Your Opposite

This is where both men and women can learn from the differences in their physical and sexual make up, differences that support sexual attraction, desire and pleasure.

During sensual massage, women appreciate and respond to heart connected touch that begins energizing her from her extremities.

This is not just her being precious, it’s how her body actually works.

Starting with having her hair stroked, the back of her neck, her arms, hands, butt, legs and toes touch is slowly brought via her breasts, belly and inner thighs to her sex centre, her genitals.

Imagine she is wearing a bikini and during the massage, resist touching her covered area’s until the final stages (even if she is begging….!!!).

You can tease and maybe lightly brush, but don’t directly touch here until the last stages.

This takes her sexual energy from her outside to her inside, waking up her sexual energy through her whole body and bringing it to her sex centre.

With a man it’s the opposite.

 

Sensual massage starts his sexual energy from his genitals, his sex centre, waking it up here first then spreading it throughout his whole body.

Men are able to create extremely intense pleasurable sex energy very quickly from their genitals and when they choose from habit to keep it there and ejaculate quickly this energy is lost, expended.

Helping him choose instead to circulate and breathe this energy through his body will open him up to a whole new world of pleasure.

You can do this with a massage that focus’s directly on waking up his sexual energy with immediate lingam touch.

This helps get and keep keep his attention inside his body. Encouraging him to breathe deeply helps him to relax, open and expand.

Once his pleasure begins to arise use your hands (one at a time with one always remaining on his lingam) to touch and awaken the rest of his body. Move outward from his lingam to the rest of his genitals, his belly, thighs, chest, arms, legs, neck, fingers and toes.

Encouraging him to continue breathing deeply and imagine his energy circulating throughout his body is a simple yet powerful beginning in discovery of full body pleasure.

It’s Not About Performing…

It takes only awareness and connection to wake up a man’s sexual energy, to begin to circulate it through his whole body, creating full body pleasure, and with practice, full body orgasm and multiple orgasm.

Any man who desires achieving this for himself, must firstly be willing to let go of performing and focus more on relaxing and feeling, particularly with an open heart.

An open masculine heart is a powerful container in any relationship and requires focus, awareness and vulnerability.

The rewards are many and you can’t fail here, just having a go is huge.

Very few men have achieved this for themselves or with their partner, yet more are learning.

It is a simple win, win process, it does take a willingness to go there, to believe that you are more than your conditioning.

Knowing this is possible is a start.

Be Prepared…

Going into this place for any man will unlock his emotional self, open his heart and create a heart sexual connection that is life changing.

In this space, both be prepared for emotional rawness, softness and depth that either of you most likely haven’t experienced before.

In this place of self discovery, men will learn that they are capable of so much more, and that their variety of orgasmic experiences is unlimited.

Bringing sensitivity and awareness back into his lingam also means re learning how to be with himself, as it will be excitingly different.

The heightened sensitivity is an amazing experience, but takes practice and good communication with your partner.

Aaah!!

Imagine, making love and his lingam is alive, energized and feeling.

A lingam that can really feel inside his lover and is fully activated and alive.

A lingam that can bring this energy to clitoris, Gspot, cervix, prostate and all the other pleasure spots inside us, bringing us alive with love and connection.

Yes, man is different from woman in sex. He is also different from whom he’s been conditioned to be.

He is capable of so much more and it begins with awareness of his potential, a willingness to explore and an unwillingness to settle for anything less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You The Rescuer in Your Relationship?

Rescuing can be exhausting.

If you’re The Rescuer in your relationship you’ll be the one who is always ‘working at it’, finding it constantly drawing your time, energy and attention. You’ll also have the feeling your efforts are not recognized or validated by your significant other. The problem in playing the role of The Rescuer, as with any role, is that it traps you into being one dimensional and inauthentic as you’re not free to be really ‘you’. It means you’re avoiding something in yourself you don’t want to see or own, but this keeps you disempowered. It also means you’re putting your attention on one end of the see saw, keeping your relationship out of balance.

Take a few moments to check out whether you might be in ‘Rescuer mode’ in your relationship.

Do you recognize yourself in any of the following:

• Your relationship is constantly on your mind, you’re always identifying problems (real or imagined) and looking for solutions.
• You’ll frequently ‘give in’ rather than ruffle your partner’s feathers.
• You tolerate your partner’s unhealthy behaviours for the ‘good’ of the relationship, saying things like “It’s ok for you to regularly bring your mates home at the last minute without letting me know, expecting me to provide a meal for them.”
• You find excuses for your partner’s perceived inability to contribute to the relationship, to be there for you, or in fact be there for themselves. You hear yourself saying “It’s OK, She hasn’t been well (when really she’s been lazy), or He’s been working too hard (when really he’s being emotionally unavailable).”
• It may extend to you becoming their enabler, doing for them what they refuse to do for themselves, from looking after their health, taking responsibility for their sexual pleasure to paying all their bills and sorting out arguments with the children.
• You find yourself not doing things for yourself like taking up yoga or having a night out for yourself because it might challenge the relationship.
• You feel resentful, guilty or fearful much of time when not helping.
• Or you don’t feel at all, as helping your partner in their suffering allows you to avoid your own.
• You have an over active sense of responsibility, a need to do the ‘right’ thing, that feels like you being in your integrity, but unconsciously slides into self righteousness. Self righteousness where you believe you’re the only one with the answers, leading you to treat your partner’s needs and ideas with disdain.
• In your Rescuer’s tunnel vision you may not see what your partner actually does put in to benefit the relationship.
• Rescuing may be the only way you can feel connected to an otherwise self absorbed partner ie. Providing them with a cup of tea, a sensual massage or bathing the kids just to get their attention.
• You find it difficult to let go of the power rescuing gives you and be vulnerable in yourself.
• You find receiving difficult and put emotional walls up to block the possibility, as receiving leaves you feeling out of control.
• You might even feel deep down you don’t have the right to be who you are or ask for what you want in the relationship.
• You avoid any discussions of where you are at in your relationship thinking you are protecting your partner.
• You may begin to resent, or even hate yourself as your efforts are unseen, unappreciated or resisted by your partner. Over time this self hatred becomes too much to bear and spills over onto your partner…

Why causes The Rescuer to show up?

Becoming The Rescuer could have developed over the course of your relationship simply as a result of you trying to address the genuine challenges within it and it became a habit. You may rescue your partner from a fear of losing the relationship, from your belief that if you don’t do it, it won’t happen. Rescuing can develop from guilt at your past behaviour ie. The night you got drunk and slept with your partner’s best friend.

At its deepest level you may be acting out unconscious roles adopted in your childhood. Perhaps being the rescuer fulfilled your idea of being a good Christian, a caring person. It may have met the needs of those around you unwilling to be responsible for themselves, people whose favourite saying was “I can’t”. Being the “capable one” gave you a sense of your own power and self worth.

You cannot “fix” another

The biggest gift you can give yourself is to recognize that being The Rescuer is not doing you, or your relationship any good. The biggest challenge is to realize that the only one who can help your partner is themselves and rescuing them takes away their own momentum. A person will either do, or not do something based on their own choices and belief systems. We can suggest, encourage, even push but ultimately what another person chooses is up to them. So goes the old saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!”. See what happens to them if you refuse to rescue. And if what they choose to do is to have that extra drink, not exercise, over indulge in porn, ignore you or your relationship you cannot control that.

It’s easy to forget in relationship the only one we can control is ourselves, the tantalizing game of “if I do this then you should do that” is a destructive cycle. It’s one we benefit from saving ourselves from its empty promises.

Instead, as The Rescuer, it’s time to focus on yourself.

• See what happens in yourself when you acknowledge that you absolutely cannot save your partner from themselves. Not even to get what you so might want for yourself. Often the feeling is one of powerlessness. This is appropriate as you are powerless to fix another.
• Acknowledge the powerlessness you feel in dropping The Rescuer role, see feeling this as the way of coming home to your real self.
• Claim your true power by exploring what you’ve been overlooking or avoiding in yourself whilst you focussed on your partner and your relationship. Find creative and loving ways to fill the spaces in you.
• Give your partner the gift of seeing them more clearly without the one dimensional lens of your need to rescue, you might be surprised at what you find. Let them see themselves more clearly, even if they don’t like it.
• Value yourself enough to feel your own feelings, acknowledge your own thoughts and desires, express you real opinions, allow yourself to be vulnerable and to receive. Allow yourself to be your real YOU.