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Have You Ever Said No To Sex?

October 10, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Saying NO To Sex…

Saying Yes to sex, especially a hell Yes! is an affirmation of yourself, of sex and even of life- it is after all an expression of your life force energy, and the more the you say Yes to it the more it will say yes to you!Boundary

And the opposite is also true, a no dampens your response. We can all say no to sex now and again… after a hard day at work, when we’re feeling low in energy or frustrated in our relationship, even men can turn their back at times. It’s important to honour our No’s and not make them wrong. (Nb. If you have a regular no you need to look at that).

But what about a time when you’ve said no without even realising it? If you find you’re just going through the motions in bed, struggling to find pleasure, connection or meaning in your lovemaking ask yourself the question: Have you made a decision to shut your sexuality down?

Our minds have a powerful influence on how we experience ourselves, including our love lives. If you’ve ever not been able to turn your mind off in sex, or daydreamed in an all too real fantasy you’ll know what we mean!

As funny as it might sound, it’s common for people to make the decision to say no to sex (or even pleasure) somewhere inside themselves even if they’ve long forgotten it since. Human beings are very logical creatures and our decision no doubt made good sense to us at the time. Now your internal decision maybe still lurking beneath the surface denying you the pleasure you’re capable of, even making it difficult for you to be fully present in your body. If this is the case, perhaps it’s time to explore your decision and let it go.

There are many and varied reasons you might have chosen, consciously or unconsciously, to shut down sexually, here are just a few. Perhaps you have:

  • Been continually rejected.
  • Negative judgements about yourself that make it difficult to feel good.
  • Been having a really stressful time in your life and just gave up on sex.
  • Been physically unwell.
  • Been unhappy in your relationship.
  • Fears about the emotional vulnerability in good sex.
  • Become older and believe your lack of desire is hormonal or natural.
  • Wanted to punish your partner in some way and so shut down and withheld.
  • Had someone cross your sexual boundary and you shut down to protect yourself.
  • Had a sexual experience that scared you in its pain or intensity.
  • Been conditioned by your family, society or religion that sex is wrong.
  • Had a traumatic time giving birth.
  • Made such a connection with your newborn child you have no room for your partner.
  • Been caught masturbating as a child and shamed about it.
  • Been sexually assaulted.

It’s important to realize that though you might not be able to change the external circumstances in which you said no to your sexual self you can change your belief about it and so change the way you experience your sexuality from here on.

How do you find what your own reason might have been?

Take out a pen and piece of paper, centre into your body (close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and let your attention settle inside yourself) and give yourself permission to write unfiltered. Begin each line with ‘I shut my sexuality down because…’ and write as fast as you can, almost without thinking or stopping to judge your answers. Just let them flow out of you, even if they might not be totally true when you look back at them later, just get them on paper for now.

When you have an answer that has a lot of energy or feels right in your gut take a few minutes to pause, reflect on the thought you’ve stopped at, breathe deep into the feeling(s) that comes with it. Let this feeling(s) flow through and out of you. Notice any details that fill themselves out in your mind as you do so.

When you’re ready, forgive yourself or anyone else involved in the situation that needs forgiving (if you you’re not ready to do this just focus on yourself for now. You might have some further feelings that need to be felt before you find your heart opening again).

Now feel into your body, breathe into your genitals and see what they’re feeling – perhaps more awake, energized, lighter or more ready to open and explore. If so, go to it! You may need to let go of your decision a few times, even during lovemaking, if it’s an old one but with practice it will happen.

 

 

 

Orgasms: What kind are you having?

September 13, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Orgasms, Orgasms and More Orgasms

As humans we’re capable of many different types of orgasms- 23 kinds in fact!Lovemaking couple looking for orgasms

We often limit ourselves to the idea of just one- peak orgasms, therefore missing out on the many other possibilities that the orgasm offers. Sometimes thinking we’re not even having one when we actually are…

Orgasms come in many shapes and sizes and all of them are valuable- even the little half, almost, ones shouldn’t be dismissed. Why? Well, from little things big things grow!

Orgasms and the search for them (when not under pressure) can bring in some playful and beautiful moments of sexual intimacy too.

So what types of orgasms are there?

As mentioned the most common idea of orgasm is that of peak orgasm: the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual excitement, resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region characterized by sexual pleasure, often associated with other Ejaculatory Orgasmsinvoluntary actions, including muscular spasms in multiple areas of the body, general euphoric sensation and, frequently, body movements and vocalizations (this is the Oh God, I’m coming moment). In a man, orgasm is generally accompanied by ejaculation, or release of his semen. The period after this orgasm (known as the refractory period) is often a relaxing experience, attributed to the release of oxytocin, prolactin and endorphins.

Other types of orgasm:

Orgasms can be bone shaking and spine tingling; they can also be so subtle that we don’t even realise they’ve happened…even a pleasurable shiver is a kind of body orgasm. Orgasms are generally accompanied by pleasurable sensations of heat and/or tinglings (what we call orgasmic energy), tension, fullness and release but they can also be accompanied by others such as expansion, opening, bliss, freedom- where our ordinary minds switch off and we feel the freedom of being mindless- what is known as the ‘little death of the ego’. We generally feel a change in our physical state after orgasm, we feel relaxed, expanded, lighter, more open or somehow different.

  1. Genital focussed- where the sensations of heat, tingling etc are experienced only around the genitals, generally peak style.
  2. Full body orgasm- where the sensations are experienced in many or most areas of the body. Sensations can be more fluid.
  3. Ejaculatory- the orgasmic energy is accompanied by the pleasurable release of semen, or female ejaculate called Amrita.
  4. Non ejaculatory- orgasmic energy peaks without fluid release (for men too). Energy sex
  5. Explosive- where the pleasure seems to explode out of your body.
  6. Implosive- where the pleasure expands through your body, can feel like pleasure or melting/opening sensations.
  7. Multiple Orgasms– several ongoing peaks and releases of orgasmic energy, generally without fluid release every time.
  8. Spot Orgasms- P spot for men (either external or internal); Clitoral, G, P, A, C, U and Cervix for women. Clitoral orgasms are usually limited, others can be multiple, particularly the P and G spots.
  9. PC Orgasm- yes, contracting your pelvic floor muscles and breathing fully can actually take you into an orgasm.
  10. Valley Orgasm- this is where it can seem like nothing is happening but if you allow yourself to drop into it (in those moments of stillness during lovemaking that we so hope you’re having) where surrender happens and you open into something else, hard to define, it can be filled with connection, love, peace, expansion and more. You know it’s happening as your state has changed, worth exploring.
  11. Solo Orgasm- the ones you have by yourself can be truly delicious if you take your time.
  12. Anal Orgasm- your anus has a large range of nerve endings that can be awakened to pleasure.
  13. Non genital orgasm- arousal and peak/release of orgasmic energy can be experienced anywhere in the body- not only nipples but given time and consistent tantric stroking virtually any area of the body can become orgasmic.
  14. Breathgasms- through breathing alone.
  15. Mindgasms- where your fantasy takes you all the way.
  16. Spontaneous Orgasm- can happen anywhere at anytime eg. during exercise, if you’re energy sensitive or just lucky.
  17. Chakra Orgasm- energy expansion and release in a chakra ie. the heart or third eye (can be visual).
  18. Transcending orgasm- where the orgasmic energy expands up your spine.
  19. Emotional Orgasm- the pleasure that can arise after a release of emotion in lovemaking.Sensual Woman
  20. Soul Orgasm- may not be associated with physical pleasure but contains images or senses that relate to us personally eg. feeling reborn or having a glimpse of infinity. Afterwards you feel a profound shift in the state of your body.
  21. Spiritual Orgasms- a sense of being at one with everything.
  22. Firebreath Orgasm- this is one we teach at our workshops and is a combination of many of the above!
  23. Anorgasm- no orgasm, or at least orgasm as we traditionally think of it. This occurs in 1 in 3 women during sexual play and up to 2/3 of women during penetration. It is rare, (or rarely reported as a problem) in men.

How do we experience more orgasms?

The main skill in experiencing more varieties of orgasms is in understanding what is possible, having an open mind and being willing to hang around in lovemaking long enough to experience it. Men are generally more single genital orgasm focussed but this is by no means what they are limited to.
The next step is to explore:
Stroking new areas of your body with your full presence, for touch helps to awaken your sensations, and your presence helps you (and your lover) to experience them.
Playing with your breath as breathing is the driver of your pleasure, (especially as you get close to orgasm and as you go into it. Most people stop breathing here not knowing they’re depriving themselves of greater pleasure!).
Keeping your body relaxed rather than tense as energy flows through relaxed muscles!
Keeping your attention inside your body as this is where orgasms happen.
Make friends with your pelvic floor as its contractions are literally a sexual energy pump!
Try some different positions.
Using your imagination (for where the mind goes the energy follows)
Letting go of trying too hard to get there, tensing up and overriding your pleasure.

Make orgasm a pleasurable journey of exploration rather than merely a goal to achieve.

Motherhood and Sexuality: Can they mix?

May 19, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

From Motherhood to Bedroom Goddess

How does a woman make the transition from the all consuming role of Mother back into that of a sexual being?

This question came up for me in the lead up to Mothers’ Day, seeing surprise gifts handed out to ‘deserving’ mothers on daytime TV. I noticed the gifts appeared to be given specifically to the very traditional type mothers- selfless givers with no thought of themselves and for whom caring for others was their life’s work. All of them were humble and embarrassed to be BAby makes 3 Parents and childreceiving anything. Beautiful women, though not what I would call empowered sexual beings, who I perceive generally to have more of a sense of themselves, whilst still caring about others. The mainstream TV show was unlikely to focus on anything that would challenge traditional views on motherhood yet this question still arose for me about what happens for mothers with their sexuality. I am not a mother so I cannot speak from my own experience but I can refer to experiences of the many women I have worked with who have been confronted with their own particular challenge in this area- is the idea of a sexual mother an oxymoron, perhaps even something forbidden? Can a woman be both a mother and a sexual being at the same time or does she at some level need to reject one to become the other?

 

For a woman becoming a mother is an all-enveloping experience. Conceiving (ironically through the act of sex), carrying and giving birth to a new human life is a momentous achievement. It would be hard for a new mother not to be overwhelmed by love for the tiny new born who has been a part of her body, who relies on her for their very survival and radiates unconditional love. This love is something some women never recover from (and some struggle to find), for them no other love is ever the same, especially the more complicated love they have with the other adult in their life.

 

Particularly in the early years, being a mother IS about the constant doing for, giving to and protecting of children not yet able to do so for themselves. As the children grow older motherhood is an ongoing role nurturing and supporting. Motherhood involves a lot of giving out. Motherhood is a time of total selflessness with little time or energy, depending on how much support she has, to devote to herself, making it a challenging place to fit sex into. Even if she enjoys sex all of the above can make the idea of it quite overwhelming.

 

As a society we have this idea that being a mother and being a sexual being somehow don’t mix. Indeed, the most celebrated mother of all became pregnant by immaculate conception! I am aware of mothers very ashamed to acknowledge that Woman breastfeedingthe nipple stimulation from feeding their babies can result in orgasms; though it appears quite common it’s rarely spoken about. Enlightened doulas (midwives) are helping women to experience what is known as orgasmic birth, with the pain of their contractions transformed into pleasure, a cataclysmic shift from the traditional western birthing model that shows us birth is not as far from sex as we might think.

 

Women who haven’t had a healthy relationship with the sexual part of themselves, or who have had uninspiring lovers and not enjoyed lovemaking can see motherhood as an escape from something they resent and are only too happy to say goodbye to. Even in the best relationships motherhood can mean men are sexually left out in the cold for a year or two post birth, and possibly much longer. This is a situation both need to work with to create a positive long term outcome. And no fellas, begging does not count. Check out this article ‘And Baby Makes Three…’

 

Of course Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis had a bit to say on the subject with his theories about the Oedipus complex and the influence of his work remains today even for people who haven’t heard of him. His theory said that all children see their mothers as the satisfiers of their desires and as they grow old enough to have sexual desires the mother becomes an object of sexual gratification for them, a big no no because of its incestuous overtones. Of course, this is more about the child’s experience than the mothers, but it has likely informed the idea that mothers should be sexless to keep their children safe. Unfortunately, a surprising number of children have sadly still been sexually abused by their mothers, both boys and girls, even though it is a little acknowledged or studied phenomenon fuelled by our belief in the sanctity of mothers and their separation from their sexuality.

 

The idea of sexual mothers is rare enough to be celebrated as a genre of pornographic fetishes known as MILFS, or sex with mothers I’d like to f..k, no doubt by men wanting to be taken care of in their sexual experience and still about the woman giving out.

 

Sexuality is partly quite a selfish pursuit, with us focussing on ourselves, our pleasures, our desires to connect with another in order to end our aloneness. It’s also about receiving; receiving attention, receiving pleasure, even another’s body- the opposite of a mother’s giving out (unless she is receiving her partner for his benefit rather than her own). So it can be quite a shift for her to be able to get back into herself and be sexual.

 

And finally, society gives such kudos to the exalted role of motherhood it can be hard to give it up and focus on the much less often approved of (except privately by men) sexual part of herself.

 

Yet women are NOT just mothers, they’re also sexual beings and there are benefits in rediscovering this part of themselves. Such as an overall higher level of energy, passion and availability to life, greater self-confidence and self-esteem, a removal of guilt and relationship insecurity ie. will my partner look elsewhere; and an increased closeness and intimacy with her partner. Saying yes to your sexual self can include the suggestions in Nurturing Your Life Force Energy, learning some new ways to feel sexual, bringing in a Tantric flavour to your lovemaking or coming along to a Power of Yoni workshop.

 

If you would like support in reconnecting to your sexual self, or managing the disconnect as a result in your relationship contact us here or call 1800 TANTRA.

 

 

 

 

 

How To Ask For Your Needs and Desires

January 3, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As asking can be a challenge…

In relationship one of the most difficult and vulnerable things can be to ask for what it is you need, even more so for what you might desire. And the more you need or desire it the harder it can be to ask! We show you how below.

First let’s explore what is the difference between our needs and desires?

Our needs reflect our humanity and are common to all of us.

Some needs we literally cannot live without, like air, water and food. Some are more important for our emotional wellbeing like acceptance and love, some our spirituals wellbeing like the need for space and inspiration (see further list at end of article). Whatever the need without it our quality of life would be significantly worse off. The value we place on different needs makes us unique but the underlying need for them is universal.

Our desires reflect our individual uniqueness.

They are what we choose in our lives that say ‘this is who we are’. Our desires are things we can survive without yet they are an Fear of changeimportant aspect of how we experience, express and create our reality. The list of potential desires is as endless and varied as is the human race. Our desires come in two different forms, desires that serve simply ourselves and desires that serve ourselves whilst benefitting others and the world around us.

Our needs and desires are the place in relationship where we find both challenge and opportunity.

It’s not our partner’s obligation to fulfil our needs and desires, or ours to fulfil our partner’s.  We commit to being together and supporting each other in whatever way we can, this is what builds love.  Sharing each others desires brings creativity, aliveness and growth. Carrying the unspoken expectation that our partner’s will be there for everything we need and want (and vice versa) is imposing our child needs onto our adult relationship and is a fast way to permanent victim status for the ‘child’ and relationship burnout for the ‘parent’.

Asking for what you Need and Desire:

The asking for what we need and want, in this age of independence can still be the sticking point for many of us.

Here we offer you some simple but powerful tips on how to go about it as clearly as possible…

  1. Identify what it is that you need/desire as clearly as you can.
  2. Believe absolutely in your right to ask for what you need/desire. The asking is separate to getting it. Feel this belief in you as you ask.
  3. If you have difficulty asking for what you need/desire know what your stuff is around asking. Do you have fear of not being worthy, resentment that it won’t happen, past pain from having your desires rejected, beliefs that asking is wrong, difficulty in identifying your needs? etc. What is it that drives your resistance- identify it and acknowledge it and leave it in the past for now.
  4. Ask without any attachment at all to getting what you need/desire, in the way that you want it. This keeps your energy inside you rather than reaching out to the other where it can be chopped off at the knees. This also prevents you from unconsciously trying to hook the other person into your manipulation, leaving them free to respond authentically. If you can do this the rest will be much easier.what do we do with our sexuality
  5. Be willing to receive a ‘no’ before you ask the question.
  6. Avoid hinting, implying, suggesting or any other covert methods of asking for what you want. Just be clear, open and direct so the other person can hear you.
  7. Never make a demand. Demands leave your partner 3 unhealthy options- to give in, to resist or to fight back. No good outcomes.
  8. Avoid asking from the negative eg. “You never get home on time when I want you to, what’s the point of asking. Will you this time?” Not very inviting, but very common.
  9. Make it clear what outcome getting what you need/desire will create for you. This will inspire your partner to get onto your team and help you manifest it. For example: “If you put the kids to bed for me tonight I will feel really cared about, loved and close to you” or “If you send me a sexy text whilst I am at work today I will feel seen, validated and loved by you”.
  10. Ask if there is anything they need to be able to help you achieve what you need/desire eg. “Would it make it easier for you if I put the kids pj’s out on the bed for you?” or “Would it make it easier for you if I gave you a melting hug and a kiss before I left for work this morning?” This allows your partner to feel like they’re on your team.Paul & Christine
  11. Hear your partner’s ‘no’ without judgement. Don’t stay in the ‘no’, make space for something else to arise. Be willing to negotiate. Even better, be willing to get what you want in ways that might surprise you.
  12. If your partner can’t meet your need/desire meet your own eg. by giving ourselves a hug or a cup of tea. Then think about how else, or who else can help you get your need/desire met.
  13. Or is there another need you can meet that will support you to relax around your current need/desire? if one of your needs/desires has a big ‘empty tank’ you will have less flexibility in how willing you are to negotiate with it. In fact a big empty tank can make a desire feel like a real need instead. Once your tank has been filled up a bit you will feel more nurtured and a lot safer to have an open mind about your current need/desire.
  14. See Creative Need Fulfilment Activity below.
  15. If you’re finding it difficult to identify your need/desire let the other person know this before you start, own it as being about you. Invite them (or someone else if appropriate) to help you explore what your need/desire might be, just be clear this is a separate conversation to the one where you actually ask for what it is you need/desire.
  16. If your partner consistently rejects your request ask them in a non judgemental way what their reason is for doing so. Be prepared to listen and you will probably learn something useful.

Remember that life is all about change, ebb and flow and humans are no different. There will be times when you will have more needs/desires, or neediness in your needs/desires than others, and the same will be true for your partner. Having your needs/desires out in the open will help you move through their changes.

Desperation a Key!

Tantric fire in the heartWe have found that the more desperate you find yourself in your need/desire then the more likely there is something in this need/desire for you to give to yourself, rather than get it (or an aspect of it) from your partner. It can be your psyche’s way of screaming at you to see yourself more clearly. Do yourself a favour and listen as you can experience profound shifts in both yourself and your relationship as a result.

If you find your needs/desires are continually going unmet first review whether you’ve attempted to meet them yourself. Then review the section on ‘How to ask for what you want’ to check out if the way you’re asking for what you want is getting in your way. If you’re clear in these then it’s vital to discuss what is happening with your partner, as this is not a viable long term situation for you.

People commonly think what is the point of being in relationship if the other person isn’t there to fill our needs/desires if we can meet our own anyway? We find what is left is a clearer desire to simply be together…

Creative Need Fulfilment

There are times when our partners (or others) cannot meet our needs/desires, as much as they might like to. How can we embrace our needs/desires without unnecessarily imposing them on others?

We can do so by using our higher intelligence.

As your mind doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality you can experience yourself having your need or desire met simply using the power of your mind and body.Woman Meditation

Centre yourself, imagine yourself experiencing your need or desire fully, fill it out in your imagination as clearly as you can. Then ask for help in meeting this need or desire from your creative self or your higher power, whatever this might mean to you. Allow your imagination to fulfil your need or desire in the most creative way possible, feeling it in your heart and body if the is helpful. Fully embrace the moment.

Then either just enjoy what you’ve received without needing anything more, or use the creative suggestions that have arisen through your intuitive imagination to set about fulfilling your need or desire.

If you’re still having difficulty with needs and desires in your relationship how about contacting Annette or Graeme from Oztantra for a chat about how you can improve your strike rate on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Common Human Needs

Physical Wellbeing
Air, food, exercise/movement, rest/sleep, safety, shelter, sexual expression, touch, water
Connection
Acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand, to be understood, to like and be liked, to need and be needed, trust, warmth.
Honesty
Authenticity, integrity, presence.
Play
Adventure, diversity, fun, excitement, challenge, risk, joy, humour.
Peace
Beauty, communion, ease, equality, balance, harmony, inspiration, predictability, order.
Autonomy
Choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity.
Meaning
Awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding.
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org

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From Head to Heart Communication

August 3, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The Longest but most worthwhile journey is from your head into your heart.heart connection makes fear your friend

Our heart is a mechanical pump that pumps oxygenated blood & nutrients through the body in order to keep us alive. How can it be a tool for relationship?

Energetically, intuitively, psychologically and emotionally it is a whole other organ. It’s seen as the centre of love, courage, wisdom, gratitude, forgiveness, the union of the inner masculine and feminine with its own unique brand of intelligence and communication and is powerful beyond measure. This more typically eastern way of viewing the heart is today being backed up by western science through studies done by the HeartMath Institute amongst others who say that ‘Heart intelligence underlies cellular organization and guides and evolves organisms toward increased order, awareness and coherence of their bodies’ systems’ www.heartmath.org/FAQS.

We see the heart as an important part of creating inspired, magical relationship, whether you believe in it at this stage or not…

What is your relationship to your own heart?

Do you see it as mere mechanics or are you open to the possibility of it being something more?

Open hearted manCan you think of time when you felt or ‘knew’ something in your heart that helped you, or that you needed to listen to?

Your heart is a powerful tool in relationship because of its many different qualities. When we come up against the challenges of relating the mind can easily be overwhelmed and go into a defensive stance where everything that comes next is about maintaining your position, rather than being authentic and staying connected.

We have a tendency to ignore our heart

We do this for one of four reasons:

  1. We haven’t connected with it in this ‘feeling’ way so we don’t believe in listening to it.
    2. It takes a moment or two of dropping our ‘story’ to hear what it has to say.
    3. We often don’t like what it has to say, for the heart cuts through the bullshit of the Ego mind, the part of us conditioned to stay safe and look for approval, and gets to the ‘heart’ of matters.
    3. Our heart is where we can carry our deepest emotional hurt and we’d rather avoid this than take the time to feel and heal it.

Are you willing to listen to what your heart has to say?

Done regularly, just this one simple practice of connecting to your heart will change your life. The more you listen to your heart the more it will speak to you. Its pain will lift and leave you open to new possibilities in life.

In the beginning it can be tricky to know what is truly your heart and what is your Ego’s needs masquerading as your heart. How do you tell the difference?

Head Talk

When your head is speaking there are more negative judgements and self justifications occurring amongst much analysing, overthinking and questioning, with an underlying need to be on top of, or in control of the situation. Head talk is driven by our internal programming, our belief systems, our memories and the self identity we’ve created with a greater focus on our limitations. There is more fear about what might go wrong.

Heart Talk

Whereas the heart is always open to possibilities and is ok with not knowing. Heart talk limitless, infinite and unrestricted. This Tantric fire in the heartdoesn’t mean the heart tells you to ignore your fear, it goes beyond it to a place of deeper logic. The heart uses more simple language that may be about letting things be, letting them go or finding compassion, acceptance and understanding. Sometimes it might be about getting off your butt, holding a boundary or maintaining some tough love which is ultimately the best choice even though it might be a hard one to take. Heart outcomes are ultimately more satisfying and better for the whole, helping you break out of old ways of being.

This has been true for our own lives, starting off being a very nebulous concept our hearts have now become a rock solid part of our self understanding, and a pathway to connecting with each other and those around us. Whenever our minds are overly busy with unhelpful thoughts we know our thoughts are probably out of alignment with our inbuilt bullshit detector so we better take a moment to check in and listen…

Practice: Connect with your Heart

Take a moment now just to stop and feel your heart. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, begin with your ABC’s then focus your attention slightly to the left of the centre of your chest. Think of something that you appreciate in your life and feel that for a few moments. Notice what you physically can feel there? Is your heart open, closed, full, warm, heavy, light or blank? Whatever the feeling is just be with it exactly as it is for a few moments. Do this as often as you can to start building your relationship with your ‘energetic’ heart for the more you connect with it the more it will speak to you. Your heart doesn’t speak in words but in intuitive knowing’s- those things you just know, even though you might not understand how you know- it’s magic.

Practicing when you’re in a place of ease can help you access your heart’s intelligence more easily in a time of intimate challenge, to speak from wisdom rather than fear or resentment, creating connection rather than dissonance.

And remember a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

 

Men’s Potential in Sex

June 17, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We keep saying it, and we will keep on saying it until it is heard-

Every man’s potential in sex is so much greater than he realises….

As men, our beliefs help create our reality in sex….man on motorbike

Men often hold the common belief that a woman’s sexuality is a mystical and secret garden difficult to comprehend, let alone master.

Yet, when viewing their own sexuality, men tend to believe the opposite is true about themselves, that sex for them is simple, reliable and straightforward.

Believe it or not, having these beliefs is actually limiting your sexual satisfaction.
Learning these Skills is simple, as Oztantra specialises in relationships and sexuality and these skills are introduced in all our workshops, retreats and sessions, both face to face and via skype or other medium.

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Other common beliefs about differences in men and women in sex are:

Women require time to warm up, to be in the mood and be ready.

Men are constantly in the mood and ready for action.

Women look for emotional connection, safety and presence.

Men only need visual and physical connection.

Women need romance, foreplay and heart connection.

Men only need a time and a place.Glasses of dirt filled water

Like most common beliefs there are grains of truth in them.

But have these basic differences in the bedroom become something else, a more serious imbalance?

And is this imbalance the result of men having a very limited view of their own sexuality?

Yet men are naturally multi orgasmic, and that ejaculation and orgasm are two seperate functions and understanding this is the beginning of being able to achieve this for yourself

What if 6 minutes was just a beginning?

When reading about Tantric sexuality, it is easy to gain the impression that men can achieve and experience much more in their sexual pleasure than the average of 6 minutes.

If this is correct, then why does such a huge disparity still exist between what is actually happening for men in sex and what is possible for them?

This disparity can also be applied to women and their sexuality.

But in many ways women have made more significant moves forward over the last few decades with the discovery and claiming of their pleasure spots and sexual needs.

In our work with couples, particularly in dealing with men and their sexual issues, we firmly believe that most men only achieve around 10% of their capacity for pleasure from their sexuality.

The Crockpot and The Microwave

what do we do with our sexualityIt is frustrating and demeaning when men are “sucked” into believing the sexual stereo type that women are like crockpots in sex.

Let them simmer away all day and by night they’re juicy and tender, where men are like a microwave- stick it in hard and fast and a few minutes later beep, beep, beep he’s done.

It’s not you, it’s your conditioning…

For a boy, this belief and the conditioning that supports it starts very early in his life.

Boys are generally being hugged less than girls and influenced not to be an emotional ‘pussy’, boys are told to be tough and not express their feelings. Physical contact is only through rough play and use of his intellect is encouraged.

When these boys start discovering their sexuality through masturbation (self pleasuring) they’re most often afraid to feel and instead, tend to get it up and over and done with as quick as they can, going straight for the good bit at the end before they get caught.

As a boy matures, this trend continues, getting it up and over and done with before his lover changes her mind, or before the kids wake up.

And when middle age kicks in, men get it up and done with before collapsing into sleep, their lover losing interest or them losing their erection.

This addictive habit of going hard for the end result from the very beginning has,without a man’s awareness, numbed feeling in his penis (lingam), limiting his ability to feel what he’s capable of during sex.

Uh Oh…Oops!

Unhealthy self pleasuring later creates problems for men in relationships,because of what they’ve conditioned themselves, most often from a shame place.

This often works against them in lovemaking with their partner as they get older.

During lovemaking, real pleasure comes from him having more sensitivity rather than less, having more full bodied rather than just lingam focused experiences and taking his time rather than rushing to the end.marriage malaise

Getting it over and done with is a habit that is very difficult to turn around as frequent ejaculation for the sake of ejaculation easily becomes a very tough habit to break.

Regularly we see middle aged men (or their partner’s) lose interest in sex because they don’t recognise or can’t get past this issue.

Moving Beyond What You Know

At this point it is important to understand that for men, ejaculation and orgasm are two very separate functions.

Because they usually occur at the same time it’s easy to see why men believe they’re the same thing.

Women ejaculate separately from orgasm and their experience is very different.

Genital ejaculation for a man feels good and is its own pleasurable experience, but still falls a long way short of the full body multiple orgasmic pleasure he is capable of.

Quick and frequent ejaculation is enough to keep the 10% group interested in sex but talking to men who are caught up and locked into this old habit we hear they suspect there is more possible.

They might look longingly at their frequently orgasming partners and simply not know how to discover this for themselves.

Combining this lack of knowledge with the numbness developed from harsh self pleasuring techniques and limited emotional connection has left men with a real problem.

Learning From Your Opposite

This is where both men and women can learn from the differences in their physical and sexual make up, differences that support sexual attraction, desire and pleasure.

During sensual massage, women appreciate and respond to heart connected touch that begins energizing her from her extremities.

This is not just her being precious, it’s how her body actually works.

Starting with having her hair stroked, the back of her neck, her arms, hands, butt, legs and toes touch is slowly brought via her breasts, belly and inner thighs to her sex centre, her genitals.

Imagine she is wearing a bikini and during the massage, resist touching her covered area’s until the final stages (even if she is begging….!!!).

You can tease and maybe lightly brush, but don’t directly touch here until the last stages.

This takes her sexual energy from her outside to her inside, waking up her sexual energy through her whole body and bringing it to her sex centre.Principle of Tantra 5 Yin Yang

With a man it’s the opposite.

 

Sensual massage starts his sexual energy from his genitals, his sex centre, waking it up here first then spreading it throughout his whole body.

Men are able to create extremely intense pleasurable sex energy very quickly from their genitals and when they choose from habit to keep it there and ejaculate quickly this energy is lost, expended.

Helping him choose instead to circulate and breathe this energy through his body will open him up to a whole new world of pleasure.

You can do this with a massage that focus’s directly on waking up his sexual energy with immediate lingam touch.

This helps get and keep keep his attention inside his body. Encouraging him to breathe deeply helps him to relax, open and expand.

Once his pleasure begins to arise use your hands (one at a time with one always remaining on his lingam) to touch and awaken the rest of his body. Move outward from his lingam to the rest of his genitals, his belly, thighs, chest, arms, legs, neck, fingers and toes.

Encouraging him to continue breathing deeply and imagine his energy circulating throughout his body is a simple yet powerful beginning in discovery of full body pleasure.

It’s Not About Performing…

It takes only awareness and connection to wake up a man’s sexual energy, to begin to circulate it through his whole body, creating full body pleasure, and with practice, full body orgasm and multiple orgasm.

Any man who desires achieving this for himself, must firstly be willing to let go of performing and focus more on relaxing and feeling, particularly with an open heart.

An open masculine heart is a powerful container in any relationship and requires focus, awareness and vulnerability.

The rewards are many and you can’t fail here, just having a go is huge.

Very few men have achieved this for themselves or with their partner, yet more are learning.

It is a simple win, win process, it does take a willingness to go there, to believe that you are more than your conditioning.

Knowing this is possible is a start.

Be Prepared…Tantric Heart space

Going into this place for any man will unlock his emotional self, open his heart and create a heart sexual connection that is life changing.

In this space, both be prepared for emotional rawness, softness and depth that either of you most likely haven’t experienced before.

In this place of self discovery, men will learn that they are capable of so much more, and that their variety of orgasmic experiences is unlimited.

Bringing sensitivity and awareness back into his lingam also means re learning how to be with himself, as it will be excitingly different.

The heightened sensitivity is an amazing experience, but takes practice and good communication with your partner.

Aaah!!

Imagine, making love and his lingam is alive, energized and feeling.

A lingam that can really feel inside his lover and is fully activated and alive.

A lingam that can bring this energy to clitoris, Gspot, cervix, prostate and all the other pleasure spots inside us, bringing us alive with love and connection.

Yes, man is different from woman in sex. He is also different from whom he’s been conditioned to be.

He is capable of so much more and it begins with awareness of his potential, a willingness to explore and an unwillingness to settle for anything less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationship Rescue`

June 16, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are You The Rescuer in Your Relationship?

Rescuing can be exhausting.

If you’re The Rescuer in your relationship you’ll be the one who is always ‘working at it’, finding it constantly drawing your time, energy and relationship rescueattention. You’ll also have the feeling your efforts are not recognized or validated by your significant other. The problem in playing the role of The Rescuer, as with any role, is that it traps you into being one dimensional and inauthentic as you’re not free to be really ‘you’. It means you’re avoiding something in yourself you don’t want to see or own, but this keeps you disempowered. It also means you’re putting your attention on one end of the see saw, keeping your relationship out of balance.

Take a few moments to check out whether you might be in ‘Rescuer mode’ in your relationship.

Do you recognize yourself in any of the following:

  • Your relationship is constantly on your mind, you’re always identifying problems (real or imagined) and looking for solutions.
  • You’ll frequently ‘give in’ rather than ruffle your partner’s feathers.
  • You tolerate your partner’s unhealthy behaviours for the ‘good’ of the relationship, saying things like “It’s ok for you to regularly bring your mates home at the last minute without letting me know, expecting me to provide a meal for them.”
  • You find excuses for your partner’s perceived inability to contribute to the relationship, to be there for you, or in fact be there for themselves. You hear yourself saying “It’s OK, She hasn’t been well (when really she’s been lazy), or He’s been working too hard (when really he’s being emotionally unavailable).”
  • It may extend to you becoming their enabler, doing for them what they refuse to do for themselves, from looking after their health, taking responsibility for their sexual pleasure to paying all their bills and sorting out arguments with the children.Woman taking garbage out
  • You find yourself not doing things for yourself like taking up yoga or having a night out for yourself because it might challenge the relationship.
  • You feel resentful, guilty or fearful much of time when not helping.
  • Or you don’t feel at all, as helping your partner in their suffering allows you to avoid your own.
  • You have an over active sense of responsibility, a need to do the ‘right’ thing, that feels like you being in your integrity, but unconsciously slides into self righteousness. Self righteousness where you believe you’re the only one with the answers, leading you to treat your partner’s needs and ideas with disdain.
  • In your Rescuer’s tunnel vision you may not see what your partner actually does put in to benefit the relationship.
  • Rescuing may be the only way you can feel connected to an otherwise self absorbed partner ie. Providing them with a cup of tea, a sensual massage or bathing the kids just to get their attention.
  • You find it difficult to let go of the power rescuing gives you and be vulnerable in yourself.Crying woman
  • You find receiving difficult and put emotional walls up to block the possibility, as receiving leaves you feeling out of control.
  • You might even feel deep down you don’t have the right to be who you are or ask for what you want in the relationship.
  • You avoid any discussions of where you are at in your relationship thinking you are protecting your partner.
  • You may begin to resent, or even hate yourself as your efforts are unseen, unappreciated or resisted by your partner. Over time this self hatred becomes too much to bear and spills over onto your partner…

Why causes The Rescuer to show up?

Becoming The Rescuer could have developed over the course of your relationship simply as a result of you trying to address the genuine challenges within it and it became a habit. You may rescue your partner from a fear of losing the relationship, from your belief that if you don’t do it, it won’t happen. Rescuing can develop from guilt at your past behaviour ie. The night you got drunk and slept with your partner’s best friend.

At its deepest level you may be acting out unconscious roles adopted in your childhood. Perhaps being the rescuer fulfilled your idea of being a good Christian, a caring person. It may have met the needs of those around you unwilling to be responsible for themselves, people whose favourite saying was “I can’t”. Being the “capable one” gave you a sense of your own power and self worth.

You cannot “fix” another

The biggest gift you can give yourself is to recognize that being The Rescuer is not doing you, or your relationship any good. The biggest challenge is to realize that the only one who can help your partner is themselves and Man facing forwardrescuing them takes away their own momentum. A person will either do, or not do something based on their own choices and belief systems. We can suggest, encourage, even push but ultimately what another person chooses is up to them. So goes the old saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!”. See what happens to them if you refuse to rescue. And if what they choose to do is to have that extra drink, not exercise, over indulge in porn, ignore you or your relationship you cannot control that.

It’s easy to forget in relationship the only one we can control is ourselves, the tantalizing game of “if I do this then you should do that” is a destructive cycle. It’s one we benefit from saving ourselves from its empty promises.

Instead, as The Rescuer, it’s time to focus on yourself.

  • See what happens in yourself when you acknowledge that you absolutely cannot save your partner from themselves. Not even to get what you so might want for yourself. Often the feeling is one of powerlessness. This is appropriate as you are powerless to fix another.
  • Acknowledge the powerlessness you feel in dropping The Rescuer role, see feeling this as the way of coming home to your real self.
  • Claim your true power by exploring what you’ve been overlooking or avoiding in yourself whilst you focussed on your partner and your relationship. Find creative and loving ways to fill the spaces in you.
  • Give your partner the gift of seeing them more clearly without the one dimensional lens of your need to rescue, you might be surprised at what you find. Let them see themselves more clearly, even if they don’t like it.Self connection is key to more intimate sex.
  • Value yourself enough to feel your own feelings, acknowledge your own thoughts and desires, express you real opinions, allow yourself to be vulnerable and to receive. Allow yourself to be your real YOU.

 

Tantric Heart Meditations

January 5, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

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