Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

OZ tantra are Relationship Counselling Specialists

  • About
    • About Oz Tantra – Tantric Relationship Advice
    • About Graeme Sudholz
    • About Annette Baulch
    • Oztantra Media
    • Speakers Page
  • Relationship Counselling
    • Coming Together Book: Solving The Mystery of Intimate Sex and Relationship
    • Hot Relationship Topics
    • Relationship Counselling
      • Couples Ultimate Getaways Byron Bay
      • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
      • Oztantra V.I.P
      • Healing trauma in Banks Creek
    • Online Relationship Counselling
    • Death of Sex
  • Sex
    • Coming Together Book Contents
    • Hot Sex Topics
    • Sex Counselling
    • Sexual Healing
      • Healing Sexual Abuse
      • Yoni Healing for Women
      • Lingam Healing
      • Beat Your Porn Addiction With Tantra
      • Sexual Surrogacy
    • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like?
      • Tantric Coaching online
      • Couples Tantra Sessions
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Women
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Men
    • What Is Tantra?
    • How Tantra Prevents Boredom in the Bedroom…
    • Preventing Premature Ejaculation
      • Multi Orgasmic Man
      • Tantric Sex for Men – Podcasts
      • Separating Ejaculation and Orgasm
    • Gspot
  • Events
    • Couples Ultimate Getaways Byron Bay
    • Workshop Schedule
    • Retreats
      • Ecstasy and Intimacy Couples Retreat Bali
      • Couples Retreat Australia Ecstasy & Intimacy
      • Private Couples Retreats
    • Weekend Workshops
      • Power of Yoni – Explore the essence of who you are as a woman
      • Sexuality of the Heart
      • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
      • Oztantra V.I.P
  • Blogs
    • Oztantra Blog
    • Previous Blog Posts
    • Videos
    • Tantric Lover Podcasts
  • Contact
    • Contact Us – Annette and Graeme at Oz Tantra
  • Articles
    • Articles
    • Hot Relationship Topics
    • Blog’s
    • Hot Sex Topics

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby! Part 1

January 26, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We know it’s challenging to talk about sex…

So if this is you, you’re not alone.

Oral sex man giving woman

Yet if you want a better sex life, finding a way to talk about it is absolutely essential.

That’s why we’re introducing this 3 part series ‘Talking About Sex’ from our book Coming Together available here over this long weekend to give you the tips and tools to get this conversation started.

Link to part 2https://www.oztantra.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=7405&action=edit

We’d rather sex just…happened

Even in this supposedly open era, few couples feel comfortable talking about what’s happening in their bedrooms, even with each other. In our culture, sex purely for pleasure and intimacy is a pretty recent invention, so it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it.

It’s confusing too that in Western culture, sex is used to market everything from alcohol to shampoo, yet we can’t talk about it honestly with the people we actually do it with. It’s hard to talk about something we can feel ashamed, scared, rejected, frustrated, insecure or sad about.

This is because there’s no one right way for sex to look.

Despite what porn and the romance industry might try to tell you.

It’s totally up to you (and your partner, of course) to decide for yourselves what to do with sex and talking about it is the first step.

Couple Talk About Sex

Actively embracing your sexuality – and your partner’s – in ways that offer you a place of pleasurable intimacy, freedom, power and fulfilment will keep both you and your relationship energised for decades and talking about it is the first step.

Tips to help THAT conversation

Know that yes, a real conversation about sex may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary, but take some deep breaths, get present and grounded, and gently jump in.

  • Pick a time and place with some space and privacy, but not during sex.
  • Remember that sex is a co creation of your experience and your lovers. You’re responsible for your own pleasure and feelings of connection (or lack of them), you’re not responsible for your partner’s experience. Just as they are not responsible for yours. Remembering this brings ownership of your part in the experience and the freedom to create more of what you desire.
  • Simply owning your fear and embarrassment is a good start. Have no doubt that your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you (even if they’d rather die than admit it), you make this OK by admitting your own.
  • Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you and your partner. Just discuss a little at a time, if this is easier.
  • Begin with a compliment.

Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.

  • Seek to explore, understand, be curious and non-judgemental.
  • Keep the conversation as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
  • Speak more about what you DO want than about what you don’t.
We all carry sexual shame

Absolutely avoid trying to get your partner to better meet your needs through criticism!

  • Criticism invites shame in this vulnerable place and a negative response invites a negative reaction from your lover, even if their intentions are positive. Imagine how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end.
  • It’s not easy, but don’t take your partner’s comments or desires personally. Remember that your partner’s comments are ultimately saying more about them not you. Breathe into what you feel and stay present.

Going about this the right way can mean that simply having a conversation about sex can itself be a fulfilling sexual experience.

Topics to Explore

What is sex for you?

Starting with a look at the bigger picture of sex may help because it’s less confronting. Explore your beliefs about what lies behind sex for you.

Make it your intention to share your desires clearly and to really understand your lover’s, rather than to focus on outcomes here.

See any differences you find as things you can explore together to bring more depth and variety to your love life rather than things that will draw you apart.

Do you see sex as one or more of these:

  • A source of love and connection?
  • Relief of stress and tension?
  • Unconditional giving and receiving?
  • Seeking excitement and pleasure, being on your edge?
  • Fantasy fulfilment?
  • Fulfilment of a spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all that is?
  • Maintenance sex, enjoying what works, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
  • An inner exploration where you learn something new about yourself?
  • A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?
spiritual sex

Discuss what you each mean by your answers, and try to get as specific as you can to help your partner understand where you’re coming from. Try not to force any outcomes, just make it an exploration of where you’re both at. Have the mindset that taking a step back to see things more clearly may take you forward in ways beyond your wildest imagination

Part 2

Part 3

If you would like support to talk about sex in with your partner call Annette or Graeme in 1800 TANTRA or email here

What To Do When You Get Stuck

May 17, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Activities To Shift Your State

When you get stuck in your relationship (or in your life)…

When two unique individuals seeking to bond get together, its expected there are going to be tough spots. When you’re in one of these spots it can feel like a place of frustration, a ‘stuckness.’ No matter how much we desire stability in our relationships we have an equally strong drive for change and ease that makes this stuckness feel wrong.Man in mud

This stuckness can be merely the boredom of over familiarity in the relationship itself. You might not be able to ‘make’ your partner be, or give you, what you need or desire. The stuckness can be about something in your own life separate to your relationship. Feeling stuck equals feeling powerless.

As creatures of habit what we usually do in our stuckness is to try harder at what we’ve already been doing- to nag, resent, annoy, detach or avoid, not surprisingly getting the same, or even worse results. As hard as it may feel at the time, taking ownership of your  stuckness is what immediately gives you back your sense of self empowerment and self efficacy, allowing you to move through it.

This is where the art of state change comes in. Instead of trying to change your partner, or the situation, try changing your internal state of stuckness instead.

Creating internal change by shifting yourself into a different energetic state allows you to come back to your relationship (or your life) with fresh eyes. This is not done with the intention of avoiding your situation, or of letting your partner get away with unhealthy behaviour. It’s to support you in regaining connection with yourself, finding your power within, and at the same time gaining a new, often broader perspective. The shift in you will energetically impact on your partner. They will see and feel you being different, potentially creating a change in them as well, allowing you to respond to their behaviour from a clear place and create a more rewarding outcome.

Positive State Change

During stressful situations we commonly change our state with less healthy things like electronic devices, junk food, smoking, alcohol, drugs, overworking, gossiping, dumping on the cat (unconscious anger). These drain your energy and make you unavailable for relationship. Try some of the following mind/body focussed suggestions instead that will energize you, ground and more easily bring you back to a state of openness.

Identify Your Current State

Using your ABC practice, identify what kind of state you’re currently in as this will help you identify what kind of activity will serve you best:

  • Ungrounded > grounding meditation
  • Disconnected from yourself or your partner > centreing meditation
  • Lots of energy and just need something you can do with it > exercise
  • Nil energy and want to find some > getting out in nature
  • Emotional energy that needs releasing > journaling, dancing, exercise
  • Fragility that needs nurturing > experiencing something beautiful

36 Simple State Changing Practices (or find your own)

Do these practices mindfully. Not only will they help change your state, they support your wellbeing.

  1. Breathing: deep and slow relaxes, short and fast energizes
  2. Meditation
  3. Shifting your energy by doing some kind of physical exercise- walking, jogging, bootcamp, cycling, yoga, heavy gardening, dancing womanchopping wood, Osho’s active meditations are great. (download them free from osho.com)
  4. Safely expressing your anger with movement, breath and sound (See anger section)
  5. Getting out in nature- the local park, nearby bush, the back lawn in your barefeet, sitting on the ground with your back against a tree trunk or using your imagination to do so if your environment doesn’t allow this
  6. Hand it over to a higher power (whatever this means for you) and let it go
  7. Journalling/Free Writing- write what you feel without judgement
  8. Practising mindfulness
  9. Walking to your local cafe for a coffeeMan relaxing on the grass
  10. Doing some housework or gardening
  11. Having a shower or bath
  12. Sitting in front of the TV or movie with the intention of chilling out (for a set time)
  13. Listening to relaxing, expressive or uplifting music
  14. Watching a movie that has meaning for you
  15. Doing familiar things in a new way
  16. Preparing yourself some nourishing, fresh food
  17. Using affirmations
  18. Putting on some aromatherapy
  19. Dancing freestyle to your favourite music
  20. Going for a swim
  21. Preparing and eating a nutritious meal
  22. Getting out and talking to someone new
  23. Self pleasuring
  24. Making Love
  25. Exercising whilst consciously releasing anger on your breath or through using your voice
  26. Getting professional help from a counsellor or coachTantra Massage
  27. Having a massage or exchanging one with a friend
  28. Snuggling up under a blanket, in the dark, maybe next to a candle and just being with yourself
  29. Sleeping alone
  30. Finding a place where you can feel totally safe and filling yourself up with it.
  31. Art, craft
  32. Do an act of service for someone, giving freely to another is a great heart opener
  33. Singing, playing music, chanting, sounds
  34. Creating a ritual for whatever is troubling you. Eg. light a candle, write a letter on your pain and release it by burning it
  35. Share your challenge with a friend or support group, just ask to be heard rather than seeking advice. Talk about yourself, using ‘I’ language, focussing on hearing and feeling yourself fully.
  36. Experiencing something beautiful- a sunset, a starry night sky, a church, flower, painting, a young child, even the amazing complexity of your own hand. Beauty can be very transformative.

Notice how you feel after changing your state.

  • Did you receive any insights?
  • Do you feel refreshed and ready for life and relationship again?
  • Was it worth taking responsibility for yourself?

If by chance one of these activities hasn’t worked for you, try this Owning Your Shadow practice or contact us for a deeper look at what might be going on for you.

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

It’s the little things that will save your relationship

January 11, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Little things make a big difference in relationship…

All it takes is a little attention on your part.

What a wonderful intention to set for the New Year…

A concrete way of building connection and sustainability…

When we think of loving connection with our partners, as the thing that might keep relationship thriving for the long run, we can have in mind some romantic movie star moment of running into our partners arms on the beach, dinner in fancy restaurants or nights of really hot sex.

But studies by John M Gottman Phd have shown that it’s the little things we do in our relationships on a consistent basis that build the glue to keep us together for the long run.

In fact, the presence or absence of these things even predict the potential future of a relationship.

If these little moments of connection are happening, the likelihood of your relationship surviving, even thriving, is significant.

Gottman says that moments of connection are like an emotional bank account. When you’ve built them up to a sizeable tally you’re more likely to survive the moments of stress and fracture that occur in any relationship, due to the strength of connection stored in your ‘bank’.

It’s these little moments that can be so easy to lose in the busyness of our daily lives, caught up in our own heads; or to take for granted that they will happen without effort on our part.

But if you knew they would make the difference between happy ever after and the divorce court would you be motivated to make the effort?

What kind of things are we talking about here?

Well yes, there are the usual things like flowers and chocolates, or dressing up in lingerie. But they don’t even need to be as obvious as these.

Here are just a few we’ve complied:

  • Bothering to reply when your partner makes a comment
  • Doing kind things such as grabbing them a coffee on your way home
  • Looking them in the eye when they’re speaking, giving them your full attention
  • Asking about things you know are of interest to them
  • Sharing a smile that has a hint of sexual fire (without agenda)
  • Holding back that critical remark or cutting comment and taking a breath instead
  • Listening without giving advice
  • Touching the small of their back as you pass by them
  • Offering to massage their neck, shoulders, hands or feet (without sexual agenda)
  • Sharing a 10 second melting hug
  • Making your partner laugh in the middle of an argument
  • Watching TV or a movie together
  • Eating breakfast together
  • Choosing to go somewhere your spouse wants to go
  • Offering a sexual treat
  • Be willing to say I’m sorry
  • Shopping for groceries togetherSexuality of the Heart
  • Going for a walk or walking the dog together
  • Working at home, but still together in some way
  • Sharing a slow kiss
  • Gardening or washing the car together
  • Attending your children’s performances together
  • Sharing a sport, interest or hobby
  • Sharing a challenging task you can complete together
  • Supporting a point of view that is important to your partner by finding a positive in it
  • Validating them in their moment of vulnerability
  • Choosing to share some vulnerability of your own
  • Add in some of your own…

Some of these may sound so obvious as to not even need mentioning but in modern lives they no longer automatically happen. They’re powerful because they develop an important sense of “we” in your relationship.

Warning!Tangled rope on a pole

It’s important not to keep a tally of your partner’s acts of connection in order to build up a grievance against them. Instead focus on what you can do, rather than what you can’t.

If you feel resistant to the idea of doing things with, or for your partner take some time to feel into your resistance and get clear on what is behind it, don’t just ignore it.

If you offer and your partner is resistant, let their reaction be about where they are at, not you. Breathe your feelings of rejection into your heart and out through your body releasing them. Try again another time.

3 suggestions of things you can do that really touch your partner’s heart

To decrease your chances of rejection and increase the effectiveness of your moments of connection invite your partner to give you 3 suggestions of things you can do that really touch their hearts. Often when we want to give to, or connect with our partners we think of ways that work for us, when they may not hit the spot at all for our significant other. If we have something we know will really reach them (even if they seem irrelevant to us) it’s a lot easier to reach out with success.Authentic Intimacy

Share 3 things with your partner that really work for you, so they have a ready selection to choose from too. Avoid things that are a source of trigger between you, this is about connection not frustration.

Some great ways to bring some new life into the most treasured area of your life – your intimate relationship, that could literally mean the difference between the life and death of it.

If you would like to learn many more ways to connect join one of our events, a weekend or treat yourselves to a whole week!

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

 

Tips for Connecting this Christmas…

December 22, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Would you like to have a more magical and meaningful Christmas this year?

One with more real, and heartfelt connection?

Christmas is becoming more conflicted for many of us, unless we’re in the years of having young children caught up in the Having a connected Christmasexcitement of presents and Santa Claus. Many others find great joy in the simple gathering of family members they don’t get to see very often outside of formal family events. Some see it just as a holiday break and still others enjoy Christmas with its original intention- celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.

For some Christmas is a time of increased stress from spending time in close proximity to family members they find difficult or have unresolved issues with. Others find Christmas the loneliest time of the year as they face being without relationship or family.

No matter what the season is for you there’s little escaping the frenetic intensity of advertising, gift buying, carols in the Quick Connects for the festive seasonshopping centres, present wrapping, house decorating (we have a splendid example just down the street from us, we only hope their neighbours’ opposite can get a good nights’ sleep!) food preparation and end of year partying.

If you’re finding it hard to make any real connection to, or meaning in, your Christmas season we offer a few tips that we use to help you come through it nurtured and energized.

 

Take time to centre yourself:

Yes, we know Christmas is all about giving and sharing with others and we’re not suggesting being with yourself in order to be selfish. Rather, taking the time to connect with yourself allows you to give and share from connection with your inner abundance and wholeness rather than expectation, obligation or entitlement.
So take a few precious moments as often as you can to pause, any where and anytime, place a hand on your belly, breathe deeply and quietly, take your attention within, drop deeper and deeper inside yourself,
notice what you’re feeling in:
-your physical body: tense, relaxed, hot, at ease, achy etc
– your sensory body: tingly, pressured, tight, overwhelmed, grounded etc
– your emotional body: sad, excited, scared, irritated, resentful, joyous etc
– your heart- full and warm, happy, light and open, loving, grateful, closed, numb etc
– your subtle body: timeless, spacious, infinite, abundant, free.
For all of these live inside of you and the more you connect with, acknowledge and accept them the more at ease you will be with those around you, ready to give, share, laugh and love!

Feel into your heart:

Go underneath the stories, the stresses, hurts and cynicism, feeling what is really happening in this important, and intelligent, part of you.

Find something that is meaningful for YOU about Christmas Day:Tantric fire in the heart

Do something that feels honouring and relevant to you, no matter what is as long as it touches your heart in some way, even if it’s outside the usual offerings. Such as giving a donation of time or money to charity, going for an early morning walk, calling a forgotten friend, the possibilities are endless. It may or may not include your partner, if it doesn’t make sure you talk about the importance of it for you with them, so they share in it this way.

Take the opportunity to express your love:

Especially if you haven’t done it for a while, or even ever before. It can be a simple phrase or an intimate conversation.

Give someone- yourself, your partner, friends or family the gift of your presence.

Give them your full attention for a time- face them, look into their eyes, really listen to what they’re saying, ask curious questions and attempt to understand their perspective rather than thinking about how to reply.

Express gratitude:

Let your partner know something about them you appreciate or feel grateful for, as gratitude is a great heart opener. Do it without expectation of their response, just for the joy of expressing this part of yourself.

Be of service:

Do something for your partner just for the joy of giving. It may be as simple as opening the door for them, carrying food or presents, even rescuing them from their difficult relative. The benefits of giving work both ways.

Drop the drama:

If you feel yourself get triggered by something your partner says or does give both of you the gift of dropping the need to give voice to the drama that the trigger manifests. Instead of venting and needing to justify yourself just breathe deeply, exhaling Could an Ultimate Couples Getaway be 4 u?through the mouth until the emotion from the trigger passes, come back into your heart and enjoy the day. There will be other days to sort it if you need to.

Remind each other of good times:

Share a time when you recall either a funny moment, a triumph, an adversity you overcame, a challenge you met together, even the moments you first met and what attracted you to each other as these create connection between you.

Overindulge less:

Yes, it is a traditional time to over eat, have those few drinks more and generally more of everything. Instead challenge yourself to consume slowly, savouring every morsel, and saying no to extras. Extravagantly praise the preparer of the food/drinks so they don’t feel slighted by your refusal to indulge, and end the day feeling good in yourself, still connected with yourself, rather than flat, overfull and uncomfortable. Then you’ll have more energy for the remaining tips!

Find your flirty self:

Couples connectingImagine you’re getting to know your partner for the first time and try flirting with them just for the juiciness of it. Think of ways that feel fun, energizing, a little sensual, naughty, even provocative and let yourself fully enjoy it. The important thing here is to do it for the juiciness it brings you in doing it, without expecting any particular response from your partner. This takes any fear or triggers out of it and lets you relax and enjoy the moment. You might want to start in private and if you’re game, take it all the way up to underneath the Christmas dinner table…

Touch without agenda:

In the busyness of the season there might be no time for lovemaking or it might feel like too much effort with your limited energy. Instead, give yourself and your partner permission to just hold, stroke, touch without any need to make anything happen. Just relax and breathe, letting go of any tension or places where you’re holding on in your body. Use a natural oil likedeep lovemaking coconut or almond to help your touch glide over your genitals. Look each other in the eyes and let the love be there- or reconnect with it if it’s been missing for a while.

Drop into beingness:

If even this feels too much just lie together (preferably naked), hold each other and breathe, harmonizing your bodies’ energy fields. You’ll wake up with a smile on your face.

These tips will forever change your experience of Christmas, once more giving it that element of magic and heart-warming that you used to feel as a child, or even something better!

And finally, expand your Christmas spirit and share these tips with those around you (you can keep the last few just for your partner), increasing your connection with your family and friends, real time rather than just through text or Facebook.

Include yourself in your gratitude and appreciation messages.

Especially include those in the service and sales industries, people increasingly treated poorly in our rush to expect, demand and accumulate, include them by giving them a smile and a gracious thank you on the phone, at the desk or checkout.

If, for any reason, you have difficulties in your relationship this festive season that feel insurmountable you can contact us here or call 1800 TANTRA…

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Have You Ever Said No To Sex?

October 10, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Saying NO To Sex…

Saying Yes to sex, especially a hell Yes! is an affirmation of yourself, of sex and even of life- it is after all an expression of your life force energy, and the more the you say Yes to it the more it will say yes to you!Boundary

And the opposite is also true, a no dampens your response. We can all say no to sex now and again… after a hard day at work, when we’re feeling low in energy or frustrated in our relationship, even men can turn their back at times. It’s important to honour our No’s and not make them wrong. (Nb. If you have a regular no you need to look at that).

But what about a time when you’ve said no without even realising it? If you find you’re just going through the motions in bed, struggling to find pleasure, connection or meaning in your lovemaking ask yourself the question: Have you made a decision to shut your sexuality down?

Our minds have a powerful influence on how we experience ourselves, including our love lives. If you’ve ever not been able to turn your mind off in sex, or daydreamed in an all too real fantasy you’ll know what we mean!

As funny as it might sound, it’s common for people to make the decision to say no to sex (or even pleasure) somewhere inside themselves even if they’ve long forgotten it since. Human beings are very logical creatures and our decision no doubt made good sense to us at the time. Now your internal decision maybe still lurking beneath the surface denying you the pleasure you’re capable of, even making it difficult for you to be fully present in your body. If this is the case, perhaps it’s time to explore your decision and let it go.

There are many and varied reasons you might have chosen, consciously or unconsciously, to shut down sexually, here are just a few. Perhaps you have:

  • Been continually rejected.
  • Negative judgements about yourself that make it difficult to feel good.
  • Been having a really stressful time in your life and just gave up on sex.
  • Been physically unwell.
  • Been unhappy in your relationship.
  • Fears about the emotional vulnerability in good sex.
  • Become older and believe your lack of desire is hormonal or natural.
  • Wanted to punish your partner in some way and so shut down and withheld.
  • Had someone cross your sexual boundary and you shut down to protect yourself.
  • Had a sexual experience that scared you in its pain or intensity.
  • Been conditioned by your family, society or religion that sex is wrong.
  • Had a traumatic time giving birth.
  • Made such a connection with your newborn child you have no room for your partner.
  • Been caught masturbating as a child and shamed about it.
  • Been sexually assaulted.

It’s important to realize that though you might not be able to change the external circumstances in which you said no to your sexual self you can change your belief about it and so change the way you experience your sexuality from here on.

How do you find what your own reason might have been?

Take out a pen and piece of paper, centre into your body (close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and let your attention settle inside yourself) and give yourself permission to write unfiltered. Begin each line with ‘I shut my sexuality down because…’ and write as fast as you can, almost without thinking or stopping to judge your answers. Just let them flow out of you, even if they might not be totally true when you look back at them later, just get them on paper for now.

When you have an answer that has a lot of energy or feels right in your gut take a few minutes to pause, reflect on the thought you’ve stopped at, breathe deep into the feeling(s) that comes with it. Let this feeling(s) flow through and out of you. Notice any details that fill themselves out in your mind as you do so.

When you’re ready, forgive yourself or anyone else involved in the situation that needs forgiving (if you you’re not ready to do this just focus on yourself for now. You might have some further feelings that need to be felt before you find your heart opening again).

Now feel into your body, breathe into your genitals and see what they’re feeling – perhaps more awake, energized, lighter or more ready to open and explore. If so, go to it! You may need to let go of your decision a few times, even during lovemaking, if it’s an old one but with practice it will happen.

 

 

 

Orgasms: What kind are you having?

September 13, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Orgasms, Orgasms and More Orgasms

As humans we’re capable of many different types of orgasms- 23 kinds in fact!Lovemaking couple looking for orgasms

We often limit ourselves to the idea of just one- peak orgasms, therefore missing out on the many other possibilities that the orgasm offers. Sometimes thinking we’re not even having one when we actually are…

Orgasms come in many shapes and sizes and all of them are valuable- even the little half, almost, ones shouldn’t be dismissed. Why? Well, from little things big things grow!

Orgasms and the search for them (when not under pressure) can bring in some playful and beautiful moments of sexual intimacy too.

So what types of orgasms are there?

As mentioned the most common idea of orgasm is that of peak orgasm: the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual excitement, resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region characterized by sexual pleasure, often associated with other Ejaculatory Orgasmsinvoluntary actions, including muscular spasms in multiple areas of the body, general euphoric sensation and, frequently, body movements and vocalizations (this is the Oh God, I’m coming moment). In a man, orgasm is generally accompanied by ejaculation, or release of his semen. The period after this orgasm (known as the refractory period) is often a relaxing experience, attributed to the release of oxytocin, prolactin and endorphins.

Other types of orgasm:

Orgasms can be bone shaking and spine tingling; they can also be so subtle that we don’t even realise they’ve happened…even a pleasurable shiver is a kind of body orgasm. Orgasms are generally accompanied by pleasurable sensations of heat and/or tinglings (what we call orgasmic energy), tension, fullness and release but they can also be accompanied by others such as expansion, opening, bliss, freedom- where our ordinary minds switch off and we feel the freedom of being mindless- what is known as the ‘little death of the ego’. We generally feel a change in our physical state after orgasm, we feel relaxed, expanded, lighter, more open or somehow different.

  1. Genital focussed- where the sensations of heat, tingling etc are experienced only around the genitals, generally peak style.
  2. Full body orgasm- where the sensations are experienced in many or most areas of the body. Sensations can be more fluid.
  3. Ejaculatory- the orgasmic energy is accompanied by the pleasurable release of semen, or female ejaculate called Amrita.
  4. Non ejaculatory- orgasmic energy peaks without fluid release (for men too). Energy sex
  5. Explosive- where the pleasure seems to explode out of your body.
  6. Implosive- where the pleasure expands through your body, can feel like pleasure or melting/opening sensations.
  7. Multiple Orgasms– several ongoing peaks and releases of orgasmic energy, generally without fluid release every time.
  8. Spot Orgasms- P spot for men (either external or internal); Clitoral, G, P, A, C, U and Cervix for women. Clitoral orgasms are usually limited, others can be multiple, particularly the P and G spots.
  9. PC Orgasm- yes, contracting your pelvic floor muscles and breathing fully can actually take you into an orgasm.
  10. Valley Orgasm- this is where it can seem like nothing is happening but if you allow yourself to drop into it (in those moments of stillness during lovemaking that we so hope you’re having) where surrender happens and you open into something else, hard to define, it can be filled with connection, love, peace, expansion and more. You know it’s happening as your state has changed, worth exploring.
  11. Solo Orgasm- the ones you have by yourself can be truly delicious if you take your time.
  12. Anal Orgasm- your anus has a large range of nerve endings that can be awakened to pleasure.
  13. Non genital orgasm- arousal and peak/release of orgasmic energy can be experienced anywhere in the body- not only nipples but given time and consistent tantric stroking virtually any area of the body can become orgasmic.
  14. Breathgasms- through breathing alone.
  15. Mindgasms- where your fantasy takes you all the way.
  16. Spontaneous Orgasm- can happen anywhere at anytime eg. during exercise, if you’re energy sensitive or just lucky.
  17. Chakra Orgasm- energy expansion and release in a chakra ie. the heart or third eye (can be visual).
  18. Transcending orgasm- where the orgasmic energy expands up your spine.
  19. Emotional Orgasm- the pleasure that can arise after a release of emotion in lovemaking.Sensual Woman
  20. Soul Orgasm- may not be associated with physical pleasure but contains images or senses that relate to us personally eg. feeling reborn or having a glimpse of infinity. Afterwards you feel a profound shift in the state of your body.
  21. Spiritual Orgasms- a sense of being at one with everything.
  22. Firebreath Orgasm- this is one we teach at our workshops and is a combination of many of the above!
  23. Anorgasm- no orgasm, or at least orgasm as we traditionally think of it. This occurs in 1 in 3 women during sexual play and up to 2/3 of women during penetration. It is rare, (or rarely reported as a problem) in men.

How do we experience more orgasms?

The main skill in experiencing more varieties of orgasms is in understanding what is possible, having an open mind and being willing to hang around in lovemaking long enough to experience it. Men are generally more single genital orgasm focussed but this is by no means what they are limited to.
The next step is to explore:
Stroking new areas of your body with your full presence, for touch helps to awaken your sensations, and your presence helps you (and your lover) to experience them.
Playing with your breath as breathing is the driver of your pleasure, (especially as you get close to orgasm and as you go into it. Most people stop breathing here not knowing they’re depriving themselves of greater pleasure!).
Keeping your body relaxed rather than tense as energy flows through relaxed muscles!
Keeping your attention inside your body as this is where orgasms happen.
Make friends with your pelvic floor as its contractions are literally a sexual energy pump!
Try some different positions.
Using your imagination (for where the mind goes the energy follows)
Letting go of trying too hard to get there, tensing up and overriding your pleasure.

Make orgasm a pleasurable journey of exploration rather than merely a goal to achieve.

Motherhood and Sexuality: Can they mix?

May 19, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

From Motherhood to Bedroom Goddess

How does a woman make the transition from the all consuming role of Mother back into that of a sexual being?

This question came up for me in the lead up to Mothers’ Day, seeing surprise gifts handed out to ‘deserving’ mothers on daytime TV. I noticed the gifts appeared to be given specifically to the very traditional type mothers- selfless givers with no thought of themselves and for whom caring for others was their life’s work. All of them were humble and embarrassed to be BAby makes 3 Parents and childreceiving anything. Beautiful women, though not what I would call empowered sexual beings, who I perceive generally to have more of a sense of themselves, whilst still caring about others. The mainstream TV show was unlikely to focus on anything that would challenge traditional views on motherhood yet this question still arose for me about what happens for mothers with their sexuality. I am not a mother so I cannot speak from my own experience but I can refer to experiences of the many women I have worked with who have been confronted with their own particular challenge in this area- is the idea of a sexual mother an oxymoron, perhaps even something forbidden? Can a woman be both a mother and a sexual being at the same time or does she at some level need to reject one to become the other?

 

For a woman becoming a mother is an all-enveloping experience. Conceiving (ironically through the act of sex), carrying and giving birth to a new human life is a momentous achievement. It would be hard for a new mother not to be overwhelmed by love for the tiny new born who has been a part of her body, who relies on her for their very survival and radiates unconditional love. This love is something some women never recover from (and some struggle to find), for them no other love is ever the same, especially the more complicated love they have with the other adult in their life.

 

Particularly in the early years, being a mother IS about the constant doing for, giving to and protecting of children not yet able to do so for themselves. As the children grow older motherhood is an ongoing role nurturing and supporting. Motherhood involves a lot of giving out. Motherhood is a time of total selflessness with little time or energy, depending on how much support she has, to devote to herself, making it a challenging place to fit sex into. Even if she enjoys sex all of the above can make the idea of it quite overwhelming.

 

As a society we have this idea that being a mother and being a sexual being somehow don’t mix. Indeed, the most celebrated mother of all became pregnant by immaculate conception! I am aware of mothers very ashamed to acknowledge that Woman breastfeedingthe nipple stimulation from feeding their babies can result in orgasms; though it appears quite common it’s rarely spoken about. Enlightened doulas (midwives) are helping women to experience what is known as orgasmic birth, with the pain of their contractions transformed into pleasure, a cataclysmic shift from the traditional western birthing model that shows us birth is not as far from sex as we might think.

 

Women who haven’t had a healthy relationship with the sexual part of themselves, or who have had uninspiring lovers and not enjoyed lovemaking can see motherhood as an escape from something they resent and are only too happy to say goodbye to. Even in the best relationships motherhood can mean men are sexually left out in the cold for a year or two post birth, and possibly much longer. This is a situation both need to work with to create a positive long term outcome. And no fellas, begging does not count. Check out this article ‘And Baby Makes Three…’

 

Of course Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis had a bit to say on the subject with his theories about the Oedipus complex and the influence of his work remains today even for people who haven’t heard of him. His theory said that all children see their mothers as the satisfiers of their desires and as they grow old enough to have sexual desires the mother becomes an object of sexual gratification for them, a big no no because of its incestuous overtones. Of course, this is more about the child’s experience than the mothers, but it has likely informed the idea that mothers should be sexless to keep their children safe. Unfortunately, a surprising number of children have sadly still been sexually abused by their mothers, both boys and girls, even though it is a little acknowledged or studied phenomenon fuelled by our belief in the sanctity of mothers and their separation from their sexuality.

 

The idea of sexual mothers is rare enough to be celebrated as a genre of pornographic fetishes known as MILFS, or sex with mothers I’d like to f..k, no doubt by men wanting to be taken care of in their sexual experience and still about the woman giving out.

 

Sexuality is partly quite a selfish pursuit, with us focussing on ourselves, our pleasures, our desires to connect with another in order to end our aloneness. It’s also about receiving; receiving attention, receiving pleasure, even another’s body- the opposite of a mother’s giving out (unless she is receiving her partner for his benefit rather than her own). So it can be quite a shift for her to be able to get back into herself and be sexual.

 

And finally, society gives such kudos to the exalted role of motherhood it can be hard to give it up and focus on the much less often approved of (except privately by men) sexual part of herself.

 

Yet women are NOT just mothers, they’re also sexual beings and there are benefits in rediscovering this part of themselves. Such as an overall higher level of energy, passion and availability to life, greater self-confidence and self-esteem, a removal of guilt and relationship insecurity ie. will my partner look elsewhere; and an increased closeness and intimacy with her partner. Saying yes to your sexual self can include the suggestions in Nurturing Your Life Force Energy, learning some new ways to feel sexual, bringing in a Tantric flavour to your lovemaking or coming along to a Power of Yoni workshop.

 

If you would like support in reconnecting to your sexual self, or managing the disconnect as a result in your relationship contact us here or call 1800 TANTRA.

 

 

 

 

 

How To Ask For Your Needs and Desires

January 3, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As asking can be a challenge…

In relationship one of the most difficult and vulnerable things can be to ask for what it is you need, even more so for what you might desire. And the more you need or desire it the harder it can be to ask! We show you how below.

First let’s explore what is the difference between our needs and desires?

Our needs reflect our humanity and are common to all of us.

Some needs we literally cannot live without, like air, water and food. Some are more important for our emotional wellbeing like acceptance and love, some our spirituals wellbeing like the need for space and inspiration (see further list at end of article). Whatever the need without it our quality of life would be significantly worse off. The value we place on different needs makes us unique but the underlying need for them is universal.

Our desires reflect our individual uniqueness.

They are what we choose in our lives that say ‘this is who we are’. Our desires are things we can survive without yet they are an Fear of changeimportant aspect of how we experience, express and create our reality. The list of potential desires is as endless and varied as is the human race. Our desires come in two different forms, desires that serve simply ourselves and desires that serve ourselves whilst benefitting others and the world around us.

Our needs and desires are the place in relationship where we find both challenge and opportunity.

It’s not our partner’s obligation to fulfil our needs and desires, or ours to fulfil our partner’s.  We commit to being together and supporting each other in whatever way we can, this is what builds love.  Sharing each others desires brings creativity, aliveness and growth. Carrying the unspoken expectation that our partner’s will be there for everything we need and want (and vice versa) is imposing our child needs onto our adult relationship and is a fast way to permanent victim status for the ‘child’ and relationship burnout for the ‘parent’.

Asking for what you Need and Desire:

The asking for what we need and want, in this age of independence can still be the sticking point for many of us.

Here we offer you some simple but powerful tips on how to go about it as clearly as possible…

  1. Identify what it is that you need/desire as clearly as you can.
  2. Believe absolutely in your right to ask for what you need/desire. The asking is separate to getting it. Feel this belief in you as you ask.
  3. If you have difficulty asking for what you need/desire know what your stuff is around asking. Do you have fear of not being worthy, resentment that it won’t happen, past pain from having your desires rejected, beliefs that asking is wrong, difficulty in identifying your needs? etc. What is it that drives your resistance- identify it and acknowledge it and leave it in the past for now.
  4. Ask without any attachment at all to getting what you need/desire, in the way that you want it. This keeps your energy inside you rather than reaching out to the other where it can be chopped off at the knees. This also prevents you from unconsciously trying to hook the other person into your manipulation, leaving them free to respond authentically. If you can do this the rest will be much easier.what do we do with our sexuality
  5. Be willing to receive a ‘no’ before you ask the question.
  6. Avoid hinting, implying, suggesting or any other covert methods of asking for what you want. Just be clear, open and direct so the other person can hear you.
  7. Never make a demand. Demands leave your partner 3 unhealthy options- to give in, to resist or to fight back. No good outcomes.
  8. Avoid asking from the negative eg. “You never get home on time when I want you to, what’s the point of asking. Will you this time?” Not very inviting, but very common.
  9. Make it clear what outcome getting what you need/desire will create for you. This will inspire your partner to get onto your team and help you manifest it. For example: “If you put the kids to bed for me tonight I will feel really cared about, loved and close to you” or “If you send me a sexy text whilst I am at work today I will feel seen, validated and loved by you”.
  10. Ask if there is anything they need to be able to help you achieve what you need/desire eg. “Would it make it easier for you if I put the kids pj’s out on the bed for you?” or “Would it make it easier for you if I gave you a melting hug and a kiss before I left for work this morning?” This allows your partner to feel like they’re on your team.Paul & Christine
  11. Hear your partner’s ‘no’ without judgement. Don’t stay in the ‘no’, make space for something else to arise. Be willing to negotiate. Even better, be willing to get what you want in ways that might surprise you.
  12. If your partner can’t meet your need/desire meet your own eg. by giving ourselves a hug or a cup of tea. Then think about how else, or who else can help you get your need/desire met.
  13. Or is there another need you can meet that will support you to relax around your current need/desire? if one of your needs/desires has a big ‘empty tank’ you will have less flexibility in how willing you are to negotiate with it. In fact a big empty tank can make a desire feel like a real need instead. Once your tank has been filled up a bit you will feel more nurtured and a lot safer to have an open mind about your current need/desire.
  14. See Creative Need Fulfilment Activity below.
  15. If you’re finding it difficult to identify your need/desire let the other person know this before you start, own it as being about you. Invite them (or someone else if appropriate) to help you explore what your need/desire might be, just be clear this is a separate conversation to the one where you actually ask for what it is you need/desire.
  16. If your partner consistently rejects your request ask them in a non judgemental way what their reason is for doing so. Be prepared to listen and you will probably learn something useful.

Remember that life is all about change, ebb and flow and humans are no different. There will be times when you will have more needs/desires, or neediness in your needs/desires than others, and the same will be true for your partner. Having your needs/desires out in the open will help you move through their changes.

Desperation a Key!

Tantric fire in the heartWe have found that the more desperate you find yourself in your need/desire then the more likely there is something in this need/desire for you to give to yourself, rather than get it (or an aspect of it) from your partner. It can be your psyche’s way of screaming at you to see yourself more clearly. Do yourself a favour and listen as you can experience profound shifts in both yourself and your relationship as a result.

If you find your needs/desires are continually going unmet first review whether you’ve attempted to meet them yourself. Then review the section on ‘How to ask for what you want’ to check out if the way you’re asking for what you want is getting in your way. If you’re clear in these then it’s vital to discuss what is happening with your partner, as this is not a viable long term situation for you.

People commonly think what is the point of being in relationship if the other person isn’t there to fill our needs/desires if we can meet our own anyway? We find what is left is a clearer desire to simply be together…

Creative Need Fulfilment

There are times when our partners (or others) cannot meet our needs/desires, as much as they might like to. How can we embrace our needs/desires without unnecessarily imposing them on others?

We can do so by using our higher intelligence.

As your mind doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality you can experience yourself having your need or desire met simply using the power of your mind and body.Woman Meditation

Centre yourself, imagine yourself experiencing your need or desire fully, fill it out in your imagination as clearly as you can. Then ask for help in meeting this need or desire from your creative self or your higher power, whatever this might mean to you. Allow your imagination to fulfil your need or desire in the most creative way possible, feeling it in your heart and body if the is helpful. Fully embrace the moment.

Then either just enjoy what you’ve received without needing anything more, or use the creative suggestions that have arisen through your intuitive imagination to set about fulfilling your need or desire.

If you’re still having difficulty with needs and desires in your relationship how about contacting Annette or Graeme from Oztantra for a chat about how you can improve your strike rate on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Common Human Needs

Physical Wellbeing
Air, food, exercise/movement, rest/sleep, safety, shelter, sexual expression, touch, water
Connection
Acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand, to be understood, to like and be liked, to need and be needed, trust, warmth.
Honesty
Authenticity, integrity, presence.
Play
Adventure, diversity, fun, excitement, challenge, risk, joy, humour.
Peace
Beauty, communion, ease, equality, balance, harmony, inspiration, predictability, order.
Autonomy
Choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity.
Meaning
Awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding.
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

« Previous Page
Next Page »

CONTACT US:

Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

or Email us here

Sign Up for Our Fortnightly Newsletter

newsletter-sign-up

Read Our Previous Newsletter Articles

Online Counselling

couple viewing computer screen

Receive on point support for your relationship
during COVID 19 time
from the safety of your own home.

Couples Retreats

Join us for our
happy couple in IntimacyEcstasy & Intimacy Retreats
Sadly we announce that all retreats
have been cancelled in response to
COVID 19 until further notice.

Couples Getaways

InquireLennox Beach Resort about our Ultimate Couples Getaways and plan for a post COVID 19 future!

Oztantra Links

Blog  |  Media  |  Workshops  |  Books/DVDs

Lost That Loving Feeling?

Re-Ignite Your Spark Online Relationship Course

Coming Together

CLICK HERE for our book on all things
relationship, intimacy & sex
to last a lifetime.
ORDER NOW!

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Have a question?

PH 1800 TANTRA (1800 826 872)

 

Recent Posts

  • The World No Longer Belongs to Men as it Once Did June 29, 2022
  • Relationship Breakdown, our National Tragedy February 28, 2020
  • Sexpo Brisbane 2019: Was it More Than Porn, Flesh and Vibrators? August 13, 2019
  • Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness June 24, 2019

logo.png

Facebook Twitter Youtube

  • Oztantra Webinar’s – Relationship and Sexuality
  • Q and A – Frequently asked Questions Answered
  • Links
  • The Art of Relationship Creating- Meaningful Intimate Relationships
  • Emotional Intelligence, What is it?
  • Depression…making light of it
  • Breathwork Sessions
  • Lasting Longer for Men
  • Female Sexuality for Women
  • Beat Your Porn Addiction With Tantra
  • Tantric Meditations
  • What Is Tantra?
  • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like? – Oz Tantra
  • Multi Orgasmic Man
  • Separating Ejaculation and Orgasm
  • Tantra Massage
  • How to Become a Tantric Lover
  • Cobra Breath – The Cosmic Cobra Breath
  • The Art of Self Pleasure
  • Man To Man Talk With Graeme
  • Woman to Woman Talk with Annette
  • Gspot – Oztantra
  • The Power of Reverse Polarity

Copyright © 2022 ·Beautiful Pro Theme · Genesis Framework by StudioPress · WordPress · Log in