Yesterday we spoke of starting a conversation about sex in your relationship by focussing on the bigger picture – what sex actually means to each of you (if you missed it see it here).

Today we get down to more of the nitty gritty from our book Coming Together available here:

Getting specific about your sex together:

• If you have any concerns about what’s happening in the bedroom sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your partner has somewhere to go with your concern.
• Discuss what you’d like more of/less of. Exploring them as desires rather than expectations lets you move more openly towards them.
• If you’re partner asks for something you have resistance to, feel into your resistance and see what lies within it. Is your resistance:
  • fear of being embarrassed
  • a fear of the unknown
  • of being out of control
  • of being out of your comfort zone
  • concern about past negative experiences
  • is the idea bringing up shame you can move through?
  • is it resistance to giving your partner something they want?
  • or is it a true ‘no’ for you?
  • Open discussion will bring you a clearer, more loving ‘no’, or maybe your ‘no’ will turn into a ‘yes’!
• If you don’t know what you want for yourself, make that OK. Sit with it, and allow whatever’s under the surface to come out, rather than covering it up with something you think you should want.
• Get clear on what your/your partner’s signals are for wanting sex, and what is NOT a signal.
• Share your ‘quickie turn-on’s. What fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have our own unique ones: find ones you can share.
• Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
• What’s your end game? How do you each like to finish? Can you combine them or alternate?

Asking for sex:

Yes, it’s both scary and challenging to ask for sex, and it can be easier (and sadder) not to. Hopefully, we can inspire you enough to want to go there:

• Ask from a place of being already there rather than one of trying to hook your partner into giving you something. Allow yourself to feel your desire, enjoying the feeling, and breathing it through your body in a way that relaxes and opens you, then approach your partner from this place.  This way, if you get a ‘no’, you’re less devastated as you’re already feeling pretty good.
• Don’t ever assume or covertly hint, eg come to bed without your PJ pants on, or ask for a neck massage hoping for more. Manipulation is not sexy.
• A great way to approach your lover is whichever way works for them, so ask them what this is.
• If they’re not sure, the direct approach is simply to look them in the eye with a smile and say, “I’d really like to ….with you. Would you like to join me?”  If you get a ‘no’, ask whether there’s anything they need that would make your invitation possible.

Conversations For Getting Started

Before having sex, check in with yourselves via your ABC to see where you’re each at. Rather than judge where you’re at, use it as a starting place.

• Are you feeling keen and excited, or resistant and needing to take it slowly?
• Do you need some nurturing first?
• Do you feel creative and like exploring?
• Are you feeling kinky?
• Or are you ready for a cuddle?

When you can start out by being real with your desires, it brings an openness to working together to create a mutually agreeable outcome. And starting gently often allows desire to arise if it’s not there at the beginning.

Sharing your fears, boundaries and desires

This can be another way of getting started.

• Sharing fears: It’s good to share any fears that come up for you about sex, as this allows them to be heard and let go of.
• Sharing boundaries: Don’t automatically assume you have the right to do something just because it’s with your partner, or because they were into it last time. Equally, don’t assume they’re ready for something new because you are. Instead, make boundary setting a regular part of your love-play.

As funny as it might sound, boundaries are still important in relationship sex. They not only protect and maintain your essential self, they help you to avoid taking your partner for granted. Boundaries also allow you to feel respected and safe enough to trust and open more deeply to loving pleasure.

• Sharing desires: What is it you’re up for? If one of you isn’t open to full sex right now, are you open to exploring anything else? For example, could you lie together and share sexual energy, kissing or mutual pleasuring, or could they be present with you whilst you self-pleasure, etc?

Once you’ve managed to have conversations at this level your fear of talking about sex should be much reduced. If places come up where you disagree make them learning opportunities rather than no go zones. The openness the happens when we are fully accepted in this place will bring energy to your sexual desire like nothing else.

Remember to look for tomorrow’s chat which is about talking during sex and afterwards, plus talking about sex around the children!

And for more ways to include making love in your relationship take a look at our upcoming March Couples Retreat.

We know it’s challenging to talk about sex…

So if this is you, you’re not alone.

Yet if you want a better sex life, finding a way to talk about it is absolutely essential.

That’s why we’re introducing this 3 part series ‘Talking About Sex’ from our book Coming Together available here over this long weekend to give you the tips and tools to get this conversation started.

Link to part 2https://www.oztantra.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=7405&action=edit

We’d rather sex just…happened

Even in this supposedly open era, few couples feel comfortable talking about what’s happening in their bedrooms, even with each other. In our culture, sex purely for pleasure and intimacy is a pretty recent invention, so it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it.

It’s confusing too that in Western culture, sex is used to market everything from alcohol to shampoo, yet we can’t talk about it honestly with the people we actually do it with. It’s hard to talk about something we can feel ashamed, scared, rejected, frustrated, insecure or sad about.

This is because there’s no one right way for sex to look.

Despite what porn and the romance industry might try to tell you.

It’s totally up to you (and your partner, of course) to decide for yourselves what to do with sex and talking about it is the first step.

Actively embracing your sexuality – and your partner’s – in ways that offer you a place of pleasurable intimacy, freedom, power and fulfilment will keep both you and your relationship energised for decades and talking about it is the first step.

Tips to help THAT conversation

Know that yes, a real conversation about sex may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary, but take some deep breaths, get present and grounded, and gently jump in.

• Pick a time and place with some space and privacy, but not during sex.
• Remember that sex is a co creation of your experience and your lovers. You’re responsible for your own pleasure and feelings of connection (or lack of them), you’re not responsible for your partner’s experience. Just as they are not responsible for yours. Remembering this brings ownership of your part in the experience and the freedom to create more of what you desire.
• Simply owning your fear and embarrassment is a good start. Have no doubt that your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you (even if they’d rather die than admit it), you make this OK by admitting your own.
• Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you and your partner. Just discuss a little at a time, if this is easier.
• Begin with a compliment.

Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.

• Seek to explore, understand, be curious and non-judgemental.
• Keep the conversation as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
• Speak more about what you DO want than about what you don’t.

Absolutely avoid trying to get your partner to better meet your needs through criticism!

• Criticism invites shame in this vulnerable place and a negative response invites a negative reaction from your lover, even if their intentions are positive. Imagine how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end.
• It’s not easy, but don’t take your partner’s comments or desires personally. Remember that your partner’s comments are ultimately saying more about them not you. Breathe into what you feel and stay present.

Going about this the right way can mean that simply having a conversation about sex can itself be a fulfilling sexual experience.

Topics to Explore

What is sex for you?

Starting with a look at the bigger picture of sex may help because it’s less confronting. Explore your beliefs about what lies behind sex for you.

Make it your intention to share your desires clearly and to really understand your lover’s, rather than to focus on outcomes here.

See any differences you find as things you can explore together to bring more depth and variety to your love life rather than things that will draw you apart.

Do you see sex as one or more of these:

• A source of love and connection?
• Relief of stress and tension?
• Unconditional giving and receiving?
• Seeking excitement and pleasure, being on your edge?
• Fantasy fulfilment?
• Fulfilment of a spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all that is?
• Maintenance sex, enjoying what works, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
• An inner exploration where you learn something new about yourself?
• A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?

Discuss what you each mean by your answers, and try to get as specific as you can to help your partner understand where you’re coming from. Try not to force any outcomes, just make it an exploration of where you’re both at. Have the mindset that taking a step back to see things more clearly may take you forward in ways beyond your wildest imagination

Part 2

Part 3

If you would like support to talk about sex in with your partner call Annette or Graeme in 1800 TANTRA or email here

Activities To Shift Your State

When you get stuck in your relationship (or in your life)…

When two unique individuals seeking to bond get together, its expected there are going to be tough spots. When you’re in one of these spots it can feel like a place of frustration, a ‘stuckness.’ No matter how much we desire stability in our relationships we have an equally strong drive for change and ease that makes this stuckness feel wrong.

This stuckness can be merely the boredom of over familiarity in the relationship itself. You might not be able to ‘make’ your partner be, or give you, what you need or desire. The stuckness can be about something in your own life separate to your relationship. Feeling stuck equals feeling powerless.

As creatures of habit what we usually do in our stuckness is to try harder at what we’ve already been doing- to nag, resent, annoy, detach or avoid, not surprisingly getting the same, or even worse results. As hard as it may feel at the time, taking ownership of your  stuckness is what immediately gives you back your sense of self empowerment and self efficacy, allowing you to move through it.

This is where the art of state change comes in. Instead of trying to change your partner, or the situation, try changing your internal state of stuckness instead.

Creating internal change by shifting yourself into a different energetic state allows you to come back to your relationship (or your life) with fresh eyes. This is not done with the intention of avoiding your situation, or of letting your partner get away with unhealthy behaviour. It’s to support you in regaining connection with yourself, finding your power within, and at the same time gaining a new, often broader perspective. The shift in you will energetically impact on your partner. They will see and feel you being different, potentially creating a change in them as well, allowing you to respond to their behaviour from a clear place and create a more rewarding outcome.

Positive State Change

During stressful situations we commonly change our state with less healthy things like electronic devices, junk food, smoking, alcohol, drugs, overworking, gossiping, dumping on the cat (unconscious anger). These drain your energy and make you unavailable for relationship. Try some of the following mind/body focussed suggestions instead that will energize you, ground and more easily bring you back to a state of openness.

Identify Your Current State

Using your ABC practice, identify what kind of state you’re currently in as this will help you identify what kind of activity will serve you best:

• Ungrounded > grounding meditation
• Disconnected from yourself or your partner > centreing meditation
• Lots of energy and just need something you can do with it > exercise
• Nil energy and want to find some > getting out in nature
• Emotional energy that needs releasing > journaling, dancing, exercise
• Fragility that needs nurturing > experiencing something beautiful

36 Simple State Changing Practices (or find your own)

Do these practices mindfully. Not only will they help change your state, they support your wellbeing.

1. Breathing: deep and slow relaxes, short and fast energizes
2. Meditation
3. Shifting your energy by doing some kind of physical exercise- walking, jogging, bootcamp, cycling, yoga, heavy gardening, chopping wood, Osho’s active meditations are great. (download them free from osho.com)
4. Safely expressing your anger with movement, breath and sound (See anger section)
5. Getting out in nature- the local park, nearby bush, the back lawn in your barefeet, sitting on the ground with your back against a tree trunk or using your imagination to do so if your environment doesn’t allow this
6. Hand it over to a higher power (whatever this means for you) and let it go
7. Journalling/Free Writing- write what you feel without judgement
8. Practising mindfulness
9. Walking to your local cafe for a coffee
10. Doing some housework or gardening
11. Having a shower or bath
12. Sitting in front of the TV or movie with the intention of chilling out (for a set time)
13. Listening to relaxing, expressive or uplifting music
14. Watching a movie that has meaning for you
15. Doing familiar things in a new way
16. Preparing yourself some nourishing, fresh food
17. Using affirmations
18. Putting on some aromatherapy
19. Dancing freestyle to your favourite music
20. Going for a swim
21. Preparing and eating a nutritious meal
22. Getting out and talking to someone new
23. Self pleasuring
24. Making Love
25. Exercising whilst consciously releasing anger on your breath or through using your voice
26. Getting professional help from a counsellor or coach
27. Having a massage or exchanging one with a friend
28. Snuggling up under a blanket, in the dark, maybe next to a candle and just being with yourself
29. Sleeping alone
30. Finding a place where you can feel totally safe and filling yourself up with it.
31. Art, craft
32. Do an act of service for someone, giving freely to another is a great heart opener
33. Singing, playing music, chanting, sounds
34. Creating a ritual for whatever is troubling you. Eg. light a candle, write a letter on your pain and release it by burning it
35. Share your challenge with a friend or support group, just ask to be heard rather than seeking advice. Talk about yourself, using ‘I’ language, focussing on hearing and feeling yourself fully.
36. Experiencing something beautiful- a sunset, a starry night sky, a church, flower, painting, a young child, even the amazing complexity of your own hand. Beauty can be very transformative.

Notice how you feel after changing your state.

• Did you receive any insights?
• Do you feel refreshed and ready for life and relationship again?
• Was it worth taking responsibility for yourself?

If by chance one of these activities hasn’t worked for you, try this Owning Your Shadow practice or contact us for a deeper look at what might be going on for you.

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

Would you like to have a more magical and meaningful Christmas this year?

One with more real, and heartfelt connection?

Christmas is becoming more conflicted for many of us, unless we’re in the years of having young children caught up in the excitement of presents and Santa Claus. Many others find great joy in the simple gathering of family members they don’t get to see very often outside of formal family events. Some see it just as a holiday break and still others enjoy Christmas with its original intention- celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.

For some Christmas is a time of increased stress from spending time in close proximity to family members they find difficult or have unresolved issues with. Others find Christmas the loneliest time of the year as they face being without relationship or family.

No matter what the season is for you there’s little escaping the frenetic intensity of advertising, gift buying, carols in the shopping centres, present wrapping, house decorating (we have a splendid example just down the street from us, we only hope their neighbours’ opposite can get a good nights’ sleep!) food preparation and end of year partying.

If you’re finding it hard to make any real connection to, or meaning in, your Christmas season we offer a few tips that we use to help you come through it nurtured and energized.

 

Take time to centre yourself:

Yes, we know Christmas is all about giving and sharing with others and we’re not suggesting being with yourself in order to be selfish. Rather, taking the time to connect with yourself allows you to give and share from connection with your inner abundance and wholeness rather than expectation, obligation or entitlement.
So take a few precious moments as often as you can to pause, any where and anytime, place a hand on your belly, breathe deeply and quietly, take your attention within, drop deeper and deeper inside yourself,
notice what you’re feeling in:
-your physical body: tense, relaxed, hot, at ease, achy etc
– your sensory body: tingly, pressured, tight, overwhelmed, grounded etc
– your emotional body: sad, excited, scared, irritated, resentful, joyous etc
– your heart- full and warm, happy, light and open, loving, grateful, closed, numb etc
– your subtle body: timeless, spacious, infinite, abundant, free.
For all of these live inside of you and the more you connect with, acknowledge and accept them the more at ease you will be with those around you, ready to give, share, laugh and love!

Feel into your heart:

Go underneath the stories, the stresses, hurts and cynicism, feeling what is really happening in this important, and intelligent, part of you.

Find something that is meaningful for YOU about Christmas Day:

Do something that feels honouring and relevant to you, no matter what is as long as it touches your heart in some way, even if it’s outside the usual offerings. Such as giving a donation of time or money to charity, going for an early morning walk, calling a forgotten friend, the possibilities are endless. It may or may not include your partner, if it doesn’t make sure you talk about the importance of it for you with them, so they share in it this way.

Take the opportunity to express your love:

Especially if you haven’t done it for a while, or even ever before. It can be a simple phrase or an intimate conversation.

Give someone- yourself, your partner, friends or family the gift of your presence.

Give them your full attention for a time- face them, look into their eyes, really listen to what they’re saying, ask curious questions and attempt to understand their perspective rather than thinking about how to reply.

Express gratitude:

Let your partner know something about them you appreciate or feel grateful for, as gratitude is a great heart opener. Do it without expectation of their response, just for the joy of expressing this part of yourself.

Be of service:

Do something for your partner just for the joy of giving. It may be as simple as opening the door for them, carrying food or presents, even rescuing them from their difficult relative. The benefits of giving work both ways.

Drop the drama:

If you feel yourself get triggered by something your partner says or does give both of you the gift of dropping the need to give voice to the drama that the trigger manifests. Instead of venting and needing to justify yourself just breathe deeply, exhaling through the mouth until the emotion from the trigger passes, come back into your heart and enjoy the day. There will be other days to sort it if you need to.

Remind each other of good times:

Share a time when you recall either a funny moment, a triumph, an adversity you overcame, a challenge you met together, even the moments you first met and what attracted you to each other as these create connection between you.

Overindulge less:

Yes, it is a traditional time to over eat, have those few drinks more and generally more of everything. Instead challenge yourself to consume slowly, savouring every morsel, and saying no to extras. Extravagantly praise the preparer of the food/drinks so they don’t feel slighted by your refusal to indulge, and end the day feeling good in yourself, still connected with yourself, rather than flat, overfull and uncomfortable. Then you’ll have more energy for the remaining tips!

Find your flirty self:

Imagine you’re getting to know your partner for the first time and try flirting with them just for the juiciness of it. Think of ways that feel fun, energizing, a little sensual, naughty, even provocative and let yourself fully enjoy it. The important thing here is to do it for the juiciness it brings you in doing it, without expecting any particular response from your partner. This takes any fear or triggers out of it and lets you relax and enjoy the moment. You might want to start in private and if you’re game, take it all the way up to underneath the Christmas dinner table…

Touch without agenda:

In the busyness of the season there might be no time for lovemaking or it might feel like too much effort with your limited energy. Instead, give yourself and your partner permission to just hold, stroke, touch without any need to make anything happen. Just relax and breathe, letting go of any tension or places where you’re holding on in your body. Use a natural oil like coconut or almond to help your touch glide over your genitals. Look each other in the eyes and let the love be there- or reconnect with it if it’s been missing for a while.

Drop into beingness:

If even this feels too much just lie together (preferably naked), hold each other and breathe, harmonizing your bodies’ energy fields. You’ll wake up with a smile on your face.

These tips will forever change your experience of Christmas, once more giving it that element of magic and heart-warming that you used to feel as a child, or even something better!

And finally, expand your Christmas spirit and share these tips with those around you (you can keep the last few just for your partner), increasing your connection with your family and friends, real time rather than just through text or Facebook.

Include yourself in your gratitude and appreciation messages.

Especially include those in the service and sales industries, people increasingly treated poorly in our rush to expect, demand and accumulate, include them by giving them a smile and a gracious thank you on the phone, at the desk or checkout.

If, for any reason, you have difficulties in your relationship this festive season that feel insurmountable you can contact us here or call 1800 TANTRA…

Happy Christmas Everyone!