Do you feel safe enough to actually have an all out, explosive, toe curling, full body orgasm?

Or even a endless, flowing, nurturing orgasm that leaves you uplifted?

Learn what orgasmic priming is and how it can help!

Did you know that so often we hold back in our deepest, most powerful surrender into pleasure and orgasm? 

And that we do this because our bodies, and our nervous systems, hold so much negative conditioning around pleasure and sexuality?

This conditioning that tells us it’s NOT SAFE to be that sexy, that surrendered, that ecstatic?

That it’s much safer to put on the brakes, to say “No” to expanded pleasure?

It’s not that we aren’t capable of moving into the most powerful pleasure beyond our wildest dreams. It’s because our conditioning doesn’t allow us to.

Here we’ll show you how to move beyond this conditioning with a practice called orgasmic priming.

And the good news is that it only takes 1 minute!

We often misinterpret our bodies desire to keep us safe – its most important job.

Instead of thinking our bodies are trying to protect us we think that we’re just not capable of having a full on orgasm. Or that we’re not that sexy, or that sexual or not able to have an orgasm. Or a hundred and one other reasons.

And then likely comes the thought that we’re broken somehow. Or that we’re wrong somehow.

What’s actually happening is that our mind is full of stories about the wrongness of our sexual desires, the wrongness of us, even the wrongness of sex itself. Even if we don’t realise we have these thoughts. It’s our nervous systems way to say “Keep safe”, “Don’t go there!”

When we do orgasmic priming our bodies and our nervous systems realise that not only is this kind of orgasm possible, it’s TOTALLY SAFE to do so.

With this short and simple practice of orgasmic priming you can super charge your orgasmic potential and blow open your expanded pleasure. By letting your brain and your body know how safely accessible this is for you.

Orgasmic Priming: The How

Orgasmic priming involves using your 5 senses – sight, feel/touch, sound, smell and taste. Your 5 senses make it as real in your body and nervous system as possible, bringing you into a full body experience. This helps your safety systems to soften and allow your deepest potential for pleasure to arise.

It is good to do this practice for a self pleasure orgasm (self pleasure is a highly rated tantric skill) AND one with a partner, at different times. This is because your body and your nervous system can behave differently in each of these situations. So it’s great to develop this skill set for both.

1. Set your timer for just 1 minute. For this minute fully delve into the experiences of your senses.
2. Close your eyes and see yourself having the most powerful, deepest and amazing orgasm that you desire. 
3. Sight: What do you see as you imagine yourself in the throes of a magnificent orgasm? Where are you? What are you doing? What are you wearing? How is your body moving? Where are you touching yourself? What is your lover looking like?
4. Feel/Touch: What are you feeling, what are the sensations, and where in your body? How open are you feeling? What emotions are you feeling? Where are you touching yourself and how does your own body feel to your touch? How does your lover’s body feel? Where are you touching them? Note: It is better to imagine yourself doing the touching, rather than your lover as this keeps the power of turn on in YOU.
5. Sound: What sounds are you hearing? Maybe there’s music in the background. Maybe you’re hearing your own breathing, your words or your sounds of pleasure, small or large. Or your lovers’ breath or the beautiful (or hot) words they’re whispering in your ear. 
6. Smell: Maybe there are scented oils in the room, in your perfume or the smells in nature. How does your body smell, what is its delicious turned on aroma? Or even what is your most favourite smell in the world? What is your lovers’ smell on their skin?
7. Taste: What can you taste? Run your tongue around in your mouth, how does it taste? How does your lover’s mouth taste? Imagine your most sensual foods being in your mouth and tasting them.

How often do you do this practice?

Set yourself the goal to do it every day for 1 week. 

Notice how your body responds after this. 

If your body is a yes, keep doing it, build on your orgasmic capabilities.

You can even bring it into your orgasmic routine, to create the most pleasurable orgasms you’re capable of on a regular basis. 

After all, it’s only for a minute.

So, are you ready to get started?

And not have it go wrong!

We KNOW it’s challenging to talk about sex… that’s why so few people do it.

We’d rather sex just…happened. 

If this is you, you’re not alone. 

In fact, most of us believe this is how sex is supposed to be- natural and spontaneous. Isn’t it? 

Maybe, if you’re an animal, purely having sex for procreation.

Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, humans are much more complex than that! We can create so much more.

So if you want a better sex life than you’re currently having, finding a way to talk about it is absolutely essential. Couples who talk find much greater satisfaction in the bedroom. And outside of it.

We believe that the real reason most of us don’t talk about sex is not that we shouldn’t have to, it’s fear. 

Fear of being embarrassed, ashamed, fear of hurting our partner or being rejected ourselves.

(We can assure you that going months or even years not having sex that is good for you will hurt your partner, and yourself, much more.)

And mostly fear of being vulnerable. Of being seen in our sadness, fear, frustration and insecurities. Even with the person we care about the most.

Because talking about sex is a very vulnerable thing to do. Even though it’s everywhere around us and a normal part of life.

People would rather do any number of scary and challenging things other than this.

This is because there’s no one right way for sex to look. Despite what porn, the romance industry, your favourite blog, your mother or your best friend tells you. It’s totally up to you to decide what to do in sex. 

Nobody else is in your bedroom but you.

Where do we start?

And that’s the first thing to do. Have your conversations about sex outside of the bedroom, rather than in it. Where there is less potential for things to be misunderstood and hurt created. 

Make a time where you are both relaxed, not distracted, with more time for curiosity and exploration. If it helps, set a time limit, so you know there’s a finish line in sight.

Remember this is the first of many conversations. You don’t have to get everything sorted in one go. It’s too big a topic.

Start with simply owning your fear and embarrassment, which makes it ok. . Have no doubt that your partner will be just as scared as you (even if they’d rather die than admit it).  

Follow this with a compliment. Something that is honest and true for you about what your lover does that you find enjoyable.

Or, something that you appreciate about them. 

Knowing that you have some value to the person talking to you helps minimise the fear.

Does talking directly about the sex in your relationship feel too difficult? Start with reading one of our blogs on the topic and discuss it.

Set up rules of engagement:

1. Seek to explore, understand, be curious and non-judgemental. Keep the conversation as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.

2. Speak more about what you DO want than about what you don’t. 

3. Keep it simple. Explore one area at a time. For example, how to invite sex – what works for you, then move on. This makes it more likely you’ll get somewhere. 

4. Absolutely avoid blame. Take responsibility for your part in what is happening. Sex IS a co created experience. Ultimately, you’re responsible for your own pleasure and feelings of connection (or lack of them).  Just like you’re not responsible for your partners’. As they are not responsible for yours. There are many things we can each do to foster pleasure and connection, what we do them is up to us. Knowing this can help empower you to create more of what you want.

5. Avoid trying to get your partner to better meet your needs through criticism. Criticism invites shame in this vulnerable place and a negative reaction from your lover. Imagine how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end.

6. It’s not easy, but don’t take your partner’s comments or desires personally. Remember that your partner’s comments are ultimately saying more about them than you. 

7. Agree that any time either of you feel triggered by what your partner says, you’ll take a couple of deep breaths and let it go. You’ll get much further by being able to stay present, than going off on a tangent. Agree to take a break if you need to.

So it doesn’t have to be perfect.

You don’t have to get it all right, or even have it not be messy.

Just make a start.

Then, reassess your sexual map regularly, as your sexual desires will change over time just like you do. And even if talking about sex doesn’t go well the first time, keep trying: the gifts of lovemaking are too big to ignore. 

And if you would like support in having this conversation contact us here for a free, no obligation chat.

Or call Graeme on 0457966696, or Annette on 0437966696.

Try a Sex Lab Date and experiment…

And totally transform the way you see the power of consent.

I say: “Would you like …?”

And you reply “Yes, I would like…”

Consent achieved, that’s it.

Unfortunately, this covers only the surface of consent. It leaves both people missing out on their full “YESSSES!” in both giving and receiving.

Because most of us have a huge variety of reasons for wanting to give and receive, in any given moment. For saying yes to something, or for not saying no.

Giving can be for the other person, or for us.

Sometimes we’re giving to make the other person feel good. 

Sometimes we’re giving to make ourselves feel good

The same is true for receiving. 

Sometimes we’re allowing ourselves to receive because it’s making us feel good. 

At others, we receive to let our partners feel good. 

Each of these are good options, as long as both people are in agreement about what is happening.

Otherwise sneaky little hidden agendas about why we’re doing things can creep in and make it icky. Without us even being aware of it. 

The thing is, the other person can usually tell that something is off, if our agenda is hidden. Even if they don’t know what exactly. Or the exchange just doesn’t feel good, even if on the surface it looks like it should.

Where we might think we’re giving, but actually we’re doing it for our own benefit and not owning it. 

• For example, we might be lonely and we touch to connect, without knowing how the other person feels about it in that moment. Or we can be feeling insecure and want our partners to have an orgasm to make us feel good about ourselves.

• Or we might think we’re giving, but we’re really just passively allowing ourselves to be taken from. For example, when we’re saying yes to touch when we really don’t want it, we just put up with it.

• Perhaps we never really allow ourselves to receive, it just doesn’t happen and we don’t know hpw to ask for it. Or we believe we don’t deserve it.

• We might be asked what we want and have no idea what to ask for.

• Maybe consent is always assumed, just because we’re in a relationship. Leaving no room for discussion on the occasions we might just not be into it. 

Or a hundred and one other variations of the above that we might, or might not admit to.

The opposite is true too. 

When WE really want something, and we know OUR PARTNER also really wants it, even the simplest things feel fantastic.

This is not only true in any kind of sexual exchange. It’s also true in the parts of life where we give and receive.

Understanding where we, and our partners are coming from in consent, makes whatever we are doing a deeper experience. And the clarity of it brings us the freedom to more fully enjoy ourselves.

These ideas have been expanded on in a fabulous book by Betty Martin called the Wheel of Consent.

Discover how to find what you really want…

And how to give and have it be great for BOTH people…

We’ll focus on touch here because it’s the easiest place to see it. And touch is one of the easiest places to be covert in. Because let’s face it, it can be really vulnerable to share touch with another human being!

Giving and receiving come under 4 different categories:

GIVING, RECEIVING, TAKING and ALLOWING.

When done with consent by both parties, each can be fantastic experiences in their own way. 

We suggest you try them all:

• I touch you the way YOU want = I am GIVING. (I am doing and it’s for you)

• You touch me the way “I” want = I am RECEIVING. (You are doing and it’s for me)

• I touch you the way “I” want. I am TAKING. (I am doing and it’s for me)

• I let you touch me the way YOU want. I am ALLOWING. (You are doing and it’s for you)

Consent means we have to fully OWN our desires. Then our partner is consenting to something that is real, inviting a full YES from them. Otherwise, our actions are done from shadow. 

Without agreement:

• Giving can be taking, from resentment or people pleasing.
• Receiving can be exploiting the other person, feeling entitled, or merely tolerated, rather than fully enjoyed.
• Taking IS stealing or perpetrating.
• Allowing can be disempowerment, enduring rather than full enjoyment.

To learn more see this pdf about Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent.

If you’re ready to jump in, try this practice as a experiment and you’ll learn heaps!

Sex Lab: Practicing Consent

This practice can bring loads of awareness and be one of the best things you can do for you sex life!

Once a fortnight or so, set up a Sex Lab. Here the idea is to explore and see what you can learn. About your sexual sharing, about yourselves and your partners. 

The payoffs are experiencing the pleasure in identifying and getting something you really want. 

And of giving your partner something you know they really want too!

It’s likely to feel a bit clunky in the beginning, because it’s so formal. Remember, this is the Sex Lab where you experiment. There is no right or wrong, just learning. You can enjoy the benefits later in real time sexual exchange by having more confidence and freedom in asking, receiving and doing.

Start Gently!

It is easier to start with simple desires eg. having shoulders massaged, hair/face stroked, gentle kisses, genitals stroked without trying to make specific arousal happen. 

And avoid any requests that you already know cause triggers in your relationship. 

Step 1: Both partners discuss and agree to trialling one type of the above touches x 30mins, then swap. 

Step 2: The person being touched feels into themselves and identifies what kind of touch they would like to receive x 3 mins. They do this by closing their eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths and letting their desire arise from their body. When this desire pops up they feel a softening, a lift or a pull towards it They share this desire with their partner.

Step 3: Their partner feels into themselves as above and identifies whether this feels like a yes, or no to them. Even if we’re not totally into it, we may be willing to give it a try.

Step 4: If it is a genuine no for the doer, the idea brings a bodily contraction, they can respectfully ask for a different request, and both start again. 

This is important, because it stops us from doing something that doesn’t make us feel good and find our full yes. It also helps us see that our partner’s “no” is about them, not about us, helping us to not take it personally.

Step 5: Carry out the request x 3mins. The doer must make sure they stick to doing just what their partner has asked for. Without sliding into other areas eg. if it’s shoulders, stay just on the shoulders. 

Step 6: Then check in again- does the person want more of this, or something different. Repeat for the full 30mins. 

Step 7: If at any time the doer, or their partner, feels like the request has become uncomfortable for them, they can change it. By asking the partner to identify something else they would like. In this way, you are not rejecting them, you’re looking after yourself.

Step 8: Swap roles for the next 30 mins. 

Step 9: Discuss what you experienced in a non judgemental way. How was it for you? What you have learned? Did you see the places when you were trying to please your partner, rather than yourself? Did you find places where you were actually taking, not giving? Or did you notice you had no idea of what to ask for?  This is a great time to experiment with things, so if you give them a try and you don’t like them, you can change them. If you find new things you do like, you can add them to your lovemaking repertoire.

Either way, it’s a win win! And you’ll boost your communication in the bedroom, and may be even outside it as you practice.

And if you haven’t had any experience with taking and allowing before, we suggest you give it a try.
It can be very empowering and sexy to take what you want, or allow someone to take what you are willing to allow…with true consent of course!

Something a little different this week…

Have you ever been in a place where it’s felt like your and your partners’ deepest fantasies have been at seemingly opposing places?

If you’ve even been game enough to share them…

Let’s hear from a fictional, yet realistic couple, Renee and Andrew that you might relate to…

Renee worked up the courage to ask Andrew, her relatively new lover, to live out one of her sexual fantasies. For as long as she could remember, she’d become super excited at fantasies of someone objectifying her and using her for their own pleasure.

That day, she was excited by the idea of Andrew pretending he had climbed in the window, after having seen her beauty from the street, and was using her for his pleasure. In her fantasy, he didn’t care what she wanted, he was just going to tie her up and do what he wanted.

She had no idea why, but she knew it was exciting, so she plucked up the courage and began to tell Andrew about it. In her mind, while it was edgy, she was seducing him with a playful idea for a fun romp.

Shortly into her blushing explanation, he leaned in and silenced her with a tender kiss, then cupped her face gently with his hands. He whispered softly, “That’s the last thing I want you thinking about when I’m making love with you! I don’t want you thinking about those sorts of things. I’m here to adore you and cherish you.”

How do you navigate this tricky situation?

Where BOTH Renee’s and Andrew’s opposing desires have a valid place.

If you would like to immediately find out in Renee and Andrew’s story when they have a go at playing out her fantasy READ ON HERE

If you would like to know about the story’s creator, and why we are bringing it to you see below…

This juicy little situation was brought to us by Artemisia De Vine, who is doing fabulous work educating people about understanding and navigating their deepest, darkest fantasises.

We’ve known Artemisia for a number of years now, as a former professional Dominatrix, and now sex educator. We can vouch for her professional skill as a Dominatrix, we’ll never forget the unique and creative sessions we did with her. We’re now hearing about her innovative way of looking at sexual fantasies and how they can potentially enhance our sex lives by giving our ego’s a safe place to surrender in. 

For those of you who are wondering about the connection between seeing a Dominatrix and Tantra, we found that the art of surrender, state change and sexual healing we experienced in our sessions were absolutely in alignment with many of the core philosophies of tantra. Rather than transcending the (egoic) mind, when it is used in connection with the body and the spirit, it can help magic happen, rather than get in the way. In fact, Artemisia is soon launching her book on the subject called The Spirituality of Smut!

If you would like to find out what happens when Renee and Andrew have a go at playing out her fantasy on Artemisia’s free Blog READ ON HERE

If you would like to check out Artemisia’s free Masterclass on the subject click on the image below:

https://www.artemisiadevine.com/

What is it all about really?

And why are we sharing this with you? 

We’re doing so because it has made such a difference in our own lives.

The conversation about recreational use of psychedelics, with terms like magic mushrooms, ecstasy and more, has become a common thread in many everyday conversations. 
 
Yet there is a developing and new kind of conversation about the use of psychedelics gaining increasing credibility. Psychedelic assisted therapy (PAT) is the fastest growing new therapy possibilities on the planet. And as of 1 July, 2023, it is now legal, under certain circumstances in Australia. This is a very different story from the nightly news with its reports of drug raids and drug abuse victims. Or the very rapid growth in strong synthetic opoid use.

 
Psychedelic Assisted Therapy (PAT) is different. It requires the use of certain psychedelics, mainly MDMA & psilocybin (magic mushrooms) with traditional therapy approaches. Approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), narrative and somatic therapies.  

The psychedelics assist regular therapy by allowing the habitual, habit forming part of the brain, known as the Default Mode Network, to switch off. Under PAT a client can safely access extraordinary realities that lie beyond the ordinary, everyday mind. This allows a client to become more receptive to insights and understandings their conscious mind would normally block from fear. This allows old habits such as PTSD, CPTSD & depression, and other ingrained negative patterns to be replaced with new, creative and empowered choices. Old, stuck emotions can also be cleared from the body at a very deep level.
 
PAT is particularly effective, some would say spectacularly effective, in helping clear past trauma. Unresolved past traumas have a huge impact on the quality of our relationships. As it has for both of us, Annette and Graeme.
 
For when we carry unresolved trauma, the past colours our perceptions and projections. It catches us in reactivity, overwhelm, fear and the constant need for distraction and avoidance. Keeping us in outdated beliefs of not being safe, not being able to trust and not being good enough. Even feeling like we’re victims and that the world is a dangerous place. 
 
PAT invites us to come into new ways of being, of openness, expansion and transformation.  With greater moments of empowerment, joy, peace, love, empathy, connection and happiness.
 
It’s a lot like the journey of tantra. Tantra invites us to deeply explore ourselves, our relationships and our wellbeing. To explore our approach to life, our beliefs, our feelings and our bodies. And what lies within them – our sexuality. To what lies beyond them via our sexuality – through blissful and magical experiences. Tantra also invites us to explore our shadows, anything that limits us in our full potential. Not only our potential for better orgasms, also our potential for more meaningful and enjoyable lives.
 
For us, tantra built on what we had already knew and used in breathwork and emotional intelligence. Which supported us to get more in touch with ourselves and move through areas that lay unresolved under the surface. Areas which had kept us stuck, unhappy and separate from each other. For which we are forever grateful.
 
The deepest areas that kept us stuck were those that related to our individual childhood traumas. This is where PAT came in, allowing us to clear the past in even more unimaginably wonderful ways. Leading us to a place in ourselves, our lives, our relationship and in our work that is clear, powerful and empowering. Allowing us to experience our life force (sexual) energy flowing through us ever more freely and pleasurably. 
 
If you wish to know more about this process, please contact us
or visit https://psychedelicassistedtherapy.com.au

And set yourselves up for the best year in your relationship yet.

Whether you are in a relationship with another, or with yourself…

It’s that time of year when we turn to reflections of what has been over the last 12 months and desires for the next.

In the busyness of the end of year festivities we can fail to take the time to really reflect on the year that has been. Yet time taken to review and reflect the past can help us find more focussed desires for the future. Even if we do it on our new year holidays or over the month of January…

And when we make half-hearted new year resolutions they quickly turn into failure. Because we don’t follow them through. True? And all this does is make us feel bad about ourselves.

We’ll show you how to avoid this disastrous recipe…

By using an approach that puts us into a compassionate, heart and feeling based place to reflect and make resolutions in. This gives us a much higher chance of being successful. As we’re creating from a place of fullness, of gratitude and of “I can”. Opening us up to unforeseen possibilities and pathways we might otherwise miss. 

Why New Years Resolutions so often don’t work

Rather than letting our ego scare us into thinking about what we didn’t do, what we did wrong and what we can’t do. Then slipping into thoughts of how hopeless and incapable we really are.

Focussing on our mistakes can be seen as a place of motivation for us to “do better” and “be better”.  

Yet studies have shown that focussing on where we’re lacking can do just the opposite. It unconsciously puts us into a state of freeze and negativity, making it much harder for us to achieve our goals.

So how can we reflect and set goals from a place of true possibility and self belief?

Magical Goal Setting

Set aside some time, together or separately, get yourself cozy, feel safe and supported in your body.  Set yourselves up with pen and paper, as it activates a broader part of your thinking brain than a keyboard does.

Reflection time:

1. What are 3 things you did well this year, thinks that you are proud of yourself for? 

It might have been focussing more on your health, improving your financial position, starting to meditate, finding a new job or taking time out for yourself.

Take the time to literally feel good about yourself for achieving these things. Feel the uplift, expansion or similar in your body, making it more real and more affirming in your mind.

Learning from the past time:

2. What are 3 things that you learned this year? Three ways that you might have grown or discovered about yourself? Including your relationship self.

This could be seeing one of the ways that you have unconsciously been pushing your partner away. Finding new your opportunities for connection. It could have been setting clearer boundaries that allowed both you and your partner to trust in you. Or making pleasure more of a priority and enhancing your connection. Or being willing to be a little more vulnerable and honest in your communication.

Gratitude time:

3. What are 3 things you are grateful for in the last year?

Gratitude is a well know heart opener, compassion builder and good for your mental well being. So it’s a great tool to add in to your reflection toolkit.

Things that you’re grateful for can be small or large. As long as they bring a feeling of warmth, opening, gentleness, compassion, even happiness in your heart. 

And they’re unique to you. Go beyond the obvious things, allow time for anything that might surprise you to pop up.

Now that you’re in this open and feel good space it’s time to focus on the future.

Embodying your goals:

4. What would you like to experience this coming year? Rather than focussing on a mental goal, explore what would you like achieve that you can see as an experience? Athletes have been successfully doing this for years, way before The Secret manifested itself.

You can choose to do your goals together, as having a common relationship goal helps you feel you’re on the same team. Plus you might like to have an individual goal for your relationship self- how you want to be in the relationship.

How would you feel, behave, look, do or say if you experienced this desire/goal? Flesh it out in your mind AND body, experience it as having already happened. The more fully you do this the more deeply your desire goes into your unconscious, helping you move towards it.

Finding your word:

5. Finally, find your word for the year.

Even if you do just ONE thing to help focus your year on a positive outcome, this is it!

This is something that is gaining increasing popularity. Mainly for its simplicity in an increasingly complex world. Yet one word can have a surprising capacity to influence, a bit like making it your North Star. You can choose it for the whle year, or six months, choosing again at the end of the financial year.

It can be helpful to meditate on what you would like your word for the year to be, until you get one that has the right fit. For example, pleasure, trust, connection, security, laughter, direction, purpose, ease, service, boundaries. Again, it’s something totally unique to you.

So there you have it, a new way to make the most of 2025!

And if any of your relationship goals include:

• giving your relationship a tune up
• resolving a stuck place
• gaining a new perspective
• reigniting your relationship spark
• healing infidelity
• finding a common purpose

We are here to support you to find the most direct path, with concrete results!

Ph 1800 623 262 or email us confidentially HERE

Where are you operating from and how to make it work for you…

Getting into a ‘relationship’, whether it is a marriage, or an intimate partnership doesn’t mean it becomes static. Even if it feels like it.

As we often say, relationships are a force of nature, and as such, they’re always changing.

One way to understand where you might be at in your relationship is to look at it this way. Through the idea of evolving stages of Soulmate, Getmate, Rolemate and Wholemate.

These different stages not only give a broader possibility than happy ever after to ponder. They can also show you where you might be operating from underneath the surface. And give you a clearer understanding of your behaviour, how your partner might be responding to it, and vice versa.

The first stage of relationship is the effervescent Soulmate phase. 

This is where you see everything about your new partner as perfect for you.

You have so much in common, can talk for hours and easily delight in each other. Your partner seems to know just what you’re thinking, wanting and needing and seems to think, want and need the same. This heart opening, romantic time is known as the limerence phase and lasts anywhere from 3 months to 2 years. Limerence is the phase you hope will last forever but never does.

The next phase is what we call the Getmate phase. 

This is where you start to get a little more real in the relationship. Your individual self starts to push back against this constant state of togetherness, no matter how blissful. You start to regain your own individual wants, needs and desires, and are less automatically accommodating of your partners. You start to look at what you’re getting and not getting from the relationship. It’s a bit scary to be here because it feels like the magic is gone. Your partner is no longer making you their first priority, beginning to build hurt and resentment. Your relationship no longer feels ‘perfect’ because your ego is more at play.

Because the important thing to know is that this stage is completely normal. 

Once you’ve bonded deeply in the limerence phase there should be enough resilience in the relationship to survive this shift. You realise that of course, it’s not possible for your partner to be there for you 24/7. As you can’t be there for them. That would be like expecting to recreate a parent/child relationship, and you don’t want to be a child forever. Though until you realise this, this stage can feel very painful and frustrating! This s where you start to need some relationship building skills!

rom Soulmate to Getmate

One of the ways your mind tries to deal with the disappointment of the Getmate phase is to step you into the Rolemate phase. This is where your mind unconsciously starts to assign your partner a role, or possibly several different roles. By giving them a role, your mind sees your partner as more one dimensional, which makes them more predictable. And less vulnerable making to deal with.

An obvious role your mind might assign is that of wife, or husband. This happens even if you are living together and not married, as these roles are so entrenched in our psyches. The role could also be that of partner, lover, friend, mate, helper, provider, housekeeper, carer, mother/father.  A role could even include things like financial director, entertainment co-ordinator, emotional safe place or even sexual initiator! 

Roles bring with them a whole lot of expectations.

A role is predetermined in your mind from your past experiences, your social conditioning, culture and family upbringing. Your mind will tell you ‘this is what a wife, husband etc ‘should’ act like’. It predicts what to expect, giving your mind what it likes best- certainty and familiarity.

In your mind a:

• wife might always does the cooking and help soothe difficult emotions 
• a provider brings home the income no matter what
• mate is always there to hang out with a
• sexual instigator always initiates 
• entertainment director has a fun idea for every weekend. 

Providing your partner fulfils enough of this/these role(s) to make it fit your mind’s ideal, your world feels at ease. At least more ease than in the Getmate phase.

We can also unknowingly impose these roles onto ourselves and try to fit into them. This is how a modern couple can find themselves each relating from the mindset of a 1950’s traditional couple! 

Try it for yourself!

If you don’t believe you’re operating from a role simply try and change one of your habitual relationship behaviours. And see what happens. The more deeply ingrained in a role you are, the bigger the impact when you try to change it.

The problem with roles is that they’re limiting. It denies the individual the full complexity of who they are. You don’t really see all of your partner, and you’re not giving yourself full permission to be you. Over time this becomes constricting for them, and boring for you. 

Your relationship won’t fully thrive until you step into the last relationship phase, that of Wholemate.

When you become a Wholemate you’ve developed a range of relationship skills and understandings:

• You’re comfortable enough in who you are to allow your partner to be authentic in their own right. 
• They can have their own ideas and disagree at times, without you feeling threatened. 
• They can have their own needs and you are willing not to always give up your own just to accommodate theirs. 
• You remember that you can find other ways to get your own needs met without laying them all on your partner. 
• You can recognize where you might see your partner as playing the role of father, for example. Yet you can also let it go enough to see them in the role of lover as well. 
• You are comfortable to be unique, individual and yet able to acknowledge 

In other words, as a Wholemate, you are able to embrace the full spectrum of what relationship with another can offer.

You can find too, that you will move in and out of the different stages or relationship at different times. 

One of you might lose their job, making it hard for them to attend to their partner’s financial needs as usual. You might see them as an inadequate Getmate and fall out of romantic love for a while, feeling in the role of provider yourself and resenting it. Until you both step into the Wholemate phase. Where the one not working becomes the home parent and the other finds a new, better paid job. Easing the family finances and binging the sexy back into the relationship.

 Relationship becomes fascinating, not boring

Once you see the different relationship stages your relationship becomes endlessly fascinating. You can understand more clearly where you and your partner are operating from. And what needs to happen to move you into the Wholemate stage. 

And see the previously longed for Soulmate stage just one of many, rather than the ultimate ideal. 

If you would like to learn some more relationship skills to become Wholemates, talk to us today on 1800 923 262 or email us here

To masturbate, or not to masturbate when you’re in a relationship, that is the question…

Many people do…

Yet often feel guilty for doing so, feeling like they’re betraying their partner by wanting to.

Or they masturbate from a place of resentment, believing that they’re missing out. Missing out on the ‘true’ sexual satisfaction they believe they’re partner should provide.

Others can believe they shouldn’t masturbate at all when they’re in relationship. And believe something is wrong if it is happening.

Almost always this masturbation takes place in private, hidden from the partner. Often containing elements of guilt, and always containing some degree of shame.

We see that masturbation, or self-pleasuring, as it is known in tantra, in relationship is VITAL. 

We believe this for the following reasons:

1. It relieves the pressure in relationship when one person is keen for sexual pleasure and the other isn’t.

2. It prevents all sorts of covert manipulations by the one wanting sex to make it happen. And the one not wanting sex to avoid it. Nasty manipulations that create some very shadowy behaviours. Behaviours such as:

– touching in a sexual way hoping to make sex happen.

– touching non-sexually, with the intent to turn it in to a sexual experience. Leaving the other person feeling icky, or even betrayed, and less likely to be interested next time.

– causing pent up sexual frustration that leaks out as covert anger, resentment, sarcasm, passive aggressiveness or emotional distancing.

– shutting down, lack of engagement in order to avoid anything that might potentially lead to sex.

3. Self-pleasuring is a time-honoured way of getting to know your own body, how it works, what it needs. This can help us better communicate our needs and desires authentically to our partners.

4. Self-pleasuring can help us maintain a connection to ourselves that helps us stay self-loving, grounded and self-aware. It also helps us feel nurtured and whole in ourselves in relationship. This allows us to invite our partners closer, or respond to their invitations from a place of ease and openness. 

5. Self-pleasuring also helps us feel more empowered in our own sexual pleasure. As we no longer obligating the responsibility for it to our partners. Without expecting them to automatically give us what we want without even knowing what it is. And without us having to put up with pleasure that doesn’t meet our desires. 

Believe us, there’s nothing that kills passion quicker than obligation!

How to self-pleasure in relationship and reap the benefits: 

1. Don’t just masturbate to get yourself off as quickly as possible. This sets up a habit in your body that is really hard to break. Especially when you want a more expanded experience with your partner. Getting off also drains your sexual energy. Which might feel like a relief at the time, but leaves you missing out on greater possibilities.

2. Don’t always masturbate to porn. See reasons above. Give yourself a break sometimes and connect with yourself, rather than the screen.

3. Slow down and take your time. Really feel the pleasure and enjoy it. Touch more of your body than just your genitals. Or at least touch the whole of your genitals, not just their ‘hot spots’.

4. Breathe more, as this helps to spread your pleasure through your body. It relaxes you before you come, rather than just after. Breathe out through your mouth, as this activates your body.

5. Place one hand on your heart. This is vital as it sets up a heart connected circuit inside yourself. And it keeps your heart open, which is a vital part of being in relationship. Feel the warmth of your hand connect to your heart as it melts on to it.

6. Imagine the pleasure in your genitals can be moved up to your heart as you self-pleasure. Leaving you feeling really nurtured and energized for hours afterwards. It also clears resentment and shame by inviting full body pleasure. 

– Simply inhale and imagine the tingling and warmth of your pleasure being drawn up the central energy channel. 

– This channel is like a pipe that exists between your genitals and your heart. (In fact, it runs all the way to your crown.) 

– As you exhale imagine the energy running back down to your genitals. 

– Repeat as many times as desired. 

– With practice you can channel the energy up to your heart as you tip over into orgasm.

– This leaves your heart full of potent warmth and deliciousness as you go about your day, interacting with your partner. 

– Or you might just decide to move energy up and down until you feel complete, without needing an orgasm.

7. Self-pleasuring in this way helps you develop your level of sexual presence. It’s the one thing your partner wants more than anything else. Being sexually present means feeling inside yourself as well as the inside of your partner. Feeling what’s happening in you, and in them, so you can respond in the most relevant way.  It also helps you develop your sexual power, as you build an energy circuit in your body.

Masturbation still holds an incredible sense of shame and taboo, even in our sexually experimental society. 

8. Discuss the benefits of self-pleasuring in relationship with your partner. You can use this article as a prompt. Validate any concerns or fears, yours or theirs. This conversation is incredibly shame busting. It can be a step towards letting your partner know, or even see you self-pleasuring. Without bringing any icky shame or resentment at being ‘caught out’. Self-pleasuring together can be a good place to start too.

Self-pleasure is seen as a time honoured, and beneficial tantric relationship practice. 

It doesn’t replace love making. 

It has its own special place in relationship.

Self-pleasuring offers unique benefits found nowhere else.

Can you make a positive, shame and resentment free place for self-pleasuring in your relationship?

Or if you’re not in relationship, self-pleasuring as above still gives you the gift of being heart connected to yourself. And more available to someone else, if you’re looking for that.