As we rev up towards the busy time of the year and life gets crazy intense it can be easy to get into arguments with your partner at the drop of a hat.
Arguments that at other times might not even rate a mention.
The intensity can also rev up for those of us not in relationships who want to be, or around family members that all of a sudden are less agreeable than usual.
About whether you can bring your new boyfriend to their house for Christmas, or how much overtime your spouse should be working. Or whether you can stand being in this relationship another minute or not. Or whether you can stand being around the gloss of family as it is portrayed in the media when yours doesn’t match up.
Avoidance only works short term
It’s common to want to avoid these arguments or difficult feelings. Or to get attached to wanting things the way WE want them. Because we have very good reasons and we’re willing to fight to the death for them.
The thing is, avoidance doesn’t create resolution, it just puts the problem on hold for later. It also puts stress into our nervous systems and reduces our level of wellbeing.
Neither does getting overly attached
And getting overly attached to wanting what we want merely stresses us out until we get it. Or for hours, days, weeks or months after we don’t get it.
Both of these positions are showing our egos at work.
Our ego fears being in the unknown, being overwhelmed and being out of control. So it will do anything it can to avoid experiencing this BIG 3.
And it will make up all sorts of negative stories about them in the process.
You don’t need to let your ego run amuck in your life.
Instead, you can choose to get grounded, present and available.
Which helps you use your two ears, rather than your one mouth.
Truly listening to the person you are in disagreement with can create surprising outcomes.
Truly listening means listening without figuring out your own agenda at the same time. You just listen. And really hear what the other person is saying.
Truly listening allows you to more easily respect what the other person has to say.
It’s about respect, not agreement
An important thing about respect is, that it doesn’t have to mean AGREEMENT.
You can respect what the other person has to say without having to agree with it.
You can respect the person’s right to have their say, if not WHAT they are saying.
Cultivating respect allows you to see more easily what is really important in a conflict.
Both sides have value
Seeing both sides, even opposing sides, of a situation can allow new perspectives to arise.
Being grounded, present and having respect gives you the courage to speak more honestly and openly about your own needs and desires.
The challenge of being more present means that you are more likely to feel what is happening inside of you.
The trick is to make these feelings OK, and to breathe them through you. To take deeper breaths and exhale through your mouth. Breathing helps emotional energy to move and shift inside you.
Getting grounded is a key ingredient
Being grounded helps you stay present as you move through these feelings.
You get grounded by connecting to the earth. Which you do by simply imagining the earth below you. Feeling its solid presence, its cool moist greenness, its rocky surface or its crystalline core. You can even imagine breathing it up into you. It sounds woo woo but it works.
Being grounded helps you listen with all of you. And speak from all of you.
It helps you rise to the challenge of seeing conflict as a pathway, rather than a roadblock.