We’ve all been through it.

Lying there trying to enjoy what’s being done to us whilst really wanting to scream “It’s not working!”.

And we’ve all heard the whispers about the fragile male ego and how it cannot tolerate any kind of criticism. So we lovingly stay quiet, thinking we’re looking after him, because that’s what women do.  Because we might believe that sex is only for men’s benefit. We tolerate whilst foregoing the chance of real pleasure for ourselves.

Or as men we believe it’s about giving our woman pleasure and we can only take our pleasure through hers. Or in the last few moments in our orgasm. We can’t ask for anything else. Especially something simple, like just being held or stroked. Because that’s not manly or something. And it keeps our hearts locked up and lonely. And in performance mode, which is not what she wants either.

Just because it’s “normal” doesn’t mean it works

These are really common scenarios, but we have to say, they’re fucked up on so many levels! Why? Because they don’t work for anybody.

We have heard from thousands of men that they just WISH their lovers would let them know what they want. And thousands of women who wish their men would bring their hearts into sex.

This shows that your lover really cares about you and wants you to have a good time. No matter what story you might have running in your head.

And that it’s only in books and movies that a man instinctively knows exactly what his woman needs, every time, to give her maximum pleasure.

Sure, with attention and practice a man can get very good at giving pleasure.

In reality, most men will admit to stumbling around in the dark, or sticking to the one or two things he knows. All the while just wishing she would open up and tell him what she wants. And thinking there is no place for him outside of performance.

Ask without blame or shame

Of course, it makes sense to let your man (or your woman) know what you want without blaming or shaming him.

Think of it this way. Your body is like a finely tuned, high performance race car that your man has been given access to. (Even if it feels to you more like an ageing VW). He is thrilled to be given this opportunity. You have the instruction manual inside of your head, so you saying what you want is the ONLY way he’s going to know how to drive it. He NEEDS you to speak up. It sets him free from failing, which is even more of an ego hit and a desire dampener.

Imagine you asking for what you want in a direct, matter of fact way. Like an instruction manual that he can understand. Without too many words or embellishments, so that he can really hear you. And positive feedback about your response.

Our bodies are a force of nature

Because it’s been said many times, and it is so true. A woman’s body is different every time. 

It depends on the day she’s had, the environment she’s in, how she feels about herself, how connected she feels to her man. Or whether there are there any desire downers happening, things that turn her OFF, that are different for each woman. So using the same techniques every time is going to evoke a mediocre response.

When men are honest, there is more to feeling sexual desire than just having the opportunity. They too can be sensitive to the circumstances that are happening. They too can have desires they’re unaware of if they aren’t listening to their bodies.

Using techniques is the worst way to have sex anyway. Co creating something TOGETHER is where the magic lives. 

This means it is VITAL for a woman to speak up and ask for what she wants. For men too.

It’s 2024

It’s no longer the time for us to hide in shame about our desires, to remain silent and miss out on what we’re capable of.

And if you don’t know what your desires are, it’s equally important to find out!

Listening to your BODY is the best way to begin finding out what you want.

Our desires are often unconsciously shaped by what we’ve seen, or heard about sex. We think we should want to be tied up, try contorted positions, use the latest vibrators or have pounding anal sex. 

When in reality, we might not want any of these things (and it’s OK if we DO too). If we slow down and listen to our bodies, we might find out that is something different. We might really want to have our neck or lower back massaged, our inner thighs stroked, our perineum massaged or be kissed long and sensuously.

Speaking up about the things our body actually wants may start small, but they can lead to AMAZING places. Because they’re real in the moment, rather than a conditioned idea we’re acting out.

Taking the risk is worth it

Taking the risk to ask for what we want is a great shame buster as well. It shows us that we don’t have to be controlled and limited by shame. We can choose for ourselves.

Asking for what we want in the bedroom has other benefits as well. It can springboard us to being more confident in our relationships and daily lives too.

Great sex lives outside of just tolerating what we’re getting.

It lives on knowing our bodies and learning to listen to them.

And it lives on the other side of feeling the fear and asking for what we want.

And 3 Things to Inspire You

Let’s face it. 

We’re having less sex than ever before. It’s even happened for us.

And that’s a very sad thing. Because sex can be the glue that not only holds a relationship together. It can also be the way that we celebrate, expand and uplift it. And how we celebrate, nurture and uplift ourselves.

So why aren’t we getting it together between the sheets anymore?

None of the following reasons are our fault. It’s how we’ve been conditioned to think about sex from the moment we first learned about it. That’s why we’ve loved learning about tantra, its helped us let go of our conditioning and find freedom in the bedroom. We want it to do so for you too.

It’s likely you’re bored in the bedroom because:

1) You don’t have the time. Work, family etc get in the way.

2)  You’re too stressed.

Unfortunately, this causes extra stress on our relationship, as guys generally find sex is a form of stress relief. And most women find sex is the last thing they’re up for when they’re under stress. So neither end up satisfied.

(That’s why helping with the dishes or putting the kids to bed can be a real aphrodisiac for a woman).

3) Sometimes there are no sex periods in your relationships for one reason or another- work, illness, other responsibilities. Or your relationship has become distant or too much hard work to make sex happen.

4) The sex you’ve been having has dropped into the boredom zone. Where even the orgasms have become a bit meh. Let’s face it, orgasms don’t automatically make for great sex. Great orgasms certainly do, but most of the time we have no, or merely ordinary orgasms. We take the fastest and easiest route and end up with fast food sex. Which appears satisfying in our imaginations, but ends up being disappointing.

5) You’re too scared to talk to your partner about it. Great sex takes good communication. No matter how much you hope, your partner is not going to intuitively ‘guess’ all of your sexual needs. This only happens in books and movies.

6) You’re having performative sex, doing what you think we ‘should’, rather than having real sex. Where you’re stuck in your heads and there is no real connection.

7) You’re having transactional sex. Where “I’ll do this for you, so I’ll get that for me”. It’s the quickest way to dampen sexual fire and get bored in the bedroom as it turns sex into a waiting game that’s full of obligations. When what turns us on is desire, not ‘should’s’.

That’s the bad news.

Here comes the good news…

Here are 3 ways to turn your sex life into the truly satisfying experience you truly desire.

1) Trust that sex is capable of offering you the magic you somehow believe it can. Believe that your partner wants sex just as much as you, they just want good sex. And believe that good sex is the quickest way to transform the challenges in your life and your relationship.

2) Talk about where you’re at with your partner. Yes, we know it’s scary but if you go there you’ll likely be surprised at what you find. Your partner is likely to be more on the same page than you possibly imagine without talking about it. Here are some tips for how to begin that conversation, without blame and judgement. And below are some things to talk about.

3) Drop the idea of performative or transactional sex, the kind of sex you’ve been conditioned to have. This is largely where being bored in the bedroom comes from!

Instead, find freedom and pleasure by choosing to: 

• Trust in the magic of sex- that it IS real. 
• Slow waaay down. This is vulnerable because it means we’re being seen.
• Move through this vulnerability by breathing more deeply, exhaling out of your mouth. Take some deep breaths together. Relax. Open. Let stress go.
• Be in the moment. Enjoy each of the small things, because from small things big things grow.
• Avoid being goal focussed on orgasm. Take the pressure off and have fun along the way instead. (You’ll be surprised how they can happen anyway).
• Make the genitals the last place explored on the woman, so her body can relax and open. Include some genital play on the man regularly so he’s not just waiting until ‘the end’ for his bit of pleasure. Explore places you normally ignore. Places like ear lobes, scalp, back of the neck/knees, feet, inner thighs, perineum, anus (touching not penetrating) and testicles.
• Take the time to notice what is happening in your OWN body. What are the sensations, where are they, what does your body actually feel like? 
• If you are not feeling what you think you should, DON’T make it wrong. Ask it what it needs, for our bodies are incredibly intelligent and will let us know if we listen to them. This is vulnerable because it is about letting go of performing, yet it is where great sex lives.

• As you focus on your bodies, going slow and breathing more deeply you’ll start to notice the energy of sexual pleasure. That tingling, warm, alive, expanding, even melting feeling. This is the life force that flows through you. The more you notice and follow it, the more you’ll feel you drop into ‘a state of being’. A state of flowing together, where two become one, where there is no mind, with no ‘shoulds’, there is just what arises. This is freedom.
• If it feels safe enough, breathe into your heart and feel how it expands in this energy (for your heart has an energetic aspect). Breathe the love you find there into yourself, because we all need to be loved. Your partner will likely feel safe with this kind of love as it makes no demands, and possibly inspired. Your worlds will expand all over again.

Isn’t this worth giving up MacDonald’s sex and being bored in the bedroom for?

Isn’t this worth making time for?

This kind of sex gives much more than it takes.

If you would like confidential support to begin this conversation with someone who can help you feel instantly comfortable in it contact us here.

So often we make this trade off in relationships.

For example:

“I’d love to ask for more time in foreplay so I can really relax, but I’m so afraid of hurting my partners’ feelings or even worse- having my request ignored.”

“It seems that we never have time to talk. I really want to carve out some time in our lives to talk in a way that leaves us connected but I am scared of being rejected. Or having time to talk and finding noting to say!”

“I’m so bored with our sex life and would love to turn up its erotic heat. I’m worried that if I can’t do this I’ll start looking elsewhere. I’m even more worried that my partner will make me feel wrong or will think I don’t love them anymore. Which is definitely not the case!”

“It feels like we are really in a flat spot going nowhere. I’d love to make some changes but I’m not sure where to start. And I’m scared of where the changes might take us.”

And so on…

It becomes a holding pattern that keeps your relationship engine on idle, but not fulfilling its potential. 

Leaving neither of you really happy. Or truly connected. Or perhaps blissful.

How would it be to be in a place where you can say what you really want? 

What you really need?

How would it be to show up authentically, rather than hide and deny your relationship what it most needs- YOU!

How would it be to be REAL?

AND create more CONNECTION, more LOVE, more SPARK and more JUICE in your relationship?

You can learn the exact tools to:

Create more presence in yourself and with your partner that leaves you with lasting intimacy and glorious lovemaking.

Communicate fearlessly so you can better understand each others fears, wants, needs and desires.

Become more emotionally skilled you can listen without blowing off, collapsing or storming out of conversations.

Learn to value difference and the unique gifts that each of you bring to your relationship.

Learn to really connect with your bodies and discover their deeper delights in a way that you can BOTH get excited about.

All these things are possible with the right support and training.

And if you think you don’t need training to have the best relationship or the best sex of your life, you’re seriously missing out.

Without it you’re likely recreating the relationship of your past, or your parents…and having sex based on instinct without the power of your largest sex organ- your brain!

Get in touch today and book in a free, no obligation 30min chat with Annette and Graeme to put your fears to rest and begin creating positive change…

PS. If you feel like this might be right for you but have questions HIT the REPLY button and get them sorted FAST…

Both you and your relationship deserve it…

A year is a long time, yet it can go by fast if you are not watching.

That’s why it’s great to make a commitment to what you want your year to look like.

Is it going to be a gift, or a disappointment?

Do you want another year of a less than inspiring love life?

Where sex has become the last priority, because, let’s face it, it’s often not really worth it.

Does the distance between you and your lover cause you a chronic sadness that you keep well hidden?

Are you submitting to another year of boredom or restlessness, wishing things could be different?

Or, is your sex life going well and you’d love it to be even better at the years end?

How to Create the Love Life of your Dreams

1. BOTH PARTNERS agree to take some time to reflect on your current sex life. (And if your partner won’t agree, do it for yourself anyway). Decide what is working well, what you would like more of and what is missing that you would like to include. Be honest with yourself. This is not a time to pussy foot around, it is a time to get real with yourself and your desires. This bit is NOT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER and what you think they are capable of, and what you think they may be willing to try. 

Thinking this way is a COP OUT.

You need to get clear on YOUR OWN desires first. Be willing to be vulnerable enough to put your desires out there. Even if it is just to yourself.

If you don’t do this it is much easier to end up creating what you don’t want, unconsciously. Because believe us, your mind is watching you and what you put (or don’t put) on the table.

Not like a judgemental God waiting to catch you in sin.

But part of your mind (and depending on your beliefs, the universe) is waiting to help you manifest. So it makes sense to get clear for yourself first. 

It also makes it easier for you not to get lost in your partner’s needs. Or in both your hidden manipulations and unexpressed agendas. 

Bring Your Uniqueness INTO Your Relationship

Knowing your own desires also gives your relationship the gift of YOU and your unique gifts. 

Often people fear expressing their desires and keep them hidden. Without realising they are denying the relationship the possibilities and energy their desires might bring.

Our Desires Are More Acceptable Than What We Fear

Explore what having these desires will give you, will make you FEEL. Such as, to feel valued, powerful, sexy, ecstatic, loved, seen, wanted, naughty, held, wild, free, unlimited. Even shame can be explored in a sexy way, it can be profoundly healing and deeply enjoyable.

2. Communicate your desires and be willing to listen in a NON JUDGMENTAL way to your partners desires. Literally just hear them, without passing any negative opinions. Just as you would like your partner to hear yours. Remember, our desires are unique to US, you don’t need your partner to fully agree with them, just to be willing to talk about them.

3. Share what having these desires will give you, will make you FEEL. This can help your partner see more clearly what might be in it for them and help them get on your team. Most of us fear rejection in expressing our desires. Sharing the motivation behind our desires brings us to the level of more universal human needs. We find over and over again couples share very similar, or at least very relatable desires at this level. Which brings a whole new excitement into their relationship.

Start Gently, Aim For Success

4. Agree together to making the desires that come with no conflict, happen in your sex life. 

And start DOING THEM!

5. For the desires that have a level of challenge for one or both of you, explore how you might introduce them into your love life. Maybe take them one step at a time. Going slowly can allow resistance and fear to fall away if you are both willing to show up. Or perhaps find a different way to create the same feeling result. 

6. Leave the desires that bring a clear NO aside for now. You might like to revisit them down the track, once you have created a deeper level of connection and goodwill between you. Again, you may be able to create the same feeling outcome in a more approachable way.

Leave Any Negativity Behind 

Aim to create safety, rather than fear. Make nothing wrong here. Leave any negativity behind, express it in a positive way. 

Step Into the Land of Possibility

Stepping into the land of possibility, rather than fear, will create a strong container for goodness to come in. 

And let your lovemaking become the hub of the wheel that turns your relationship in 2024. Rather than a last minute priority that diminishes what you are BOTH capable of.

And if you have any difficulties going there and would like some professional, totally non judgmental support Contact Us HERE.

As we rev up towards the busy time of the year and life gets crazy intense it can be easy to get into arguments with your partner at the drop of a hat. 

Arguments that at other times might not even rate a mention.

The intensity can also rev up for those of us not in relationships who want to be, or around family members that all of a sudden are less agreeable than usual.

About whether you can bring your new boyfriend to their house for Christmas, or how much overtime your spouse should be working. Or whether you can stand being in this relationship another minute or not. Or whether you can stand being around the gloss of family as it is portrayed in the media when yours doesn’t match up.

Avoidance only works short term

It’s common to want to avoid these arguments or difficult feelings. Or to get attached to wanting things the way WE want them. Because we have very good reasons and we’re willing to fight to the death for them.

The thing is, avoidance doesn’t create resolution, it just puts the problem on hold for later. It also puts stress into our nervous systems and reduces our level of wellbeing.

Neither does getting overly attached

And getting overly attached to wanting what we want merely stresses us out until we get it. Or for hours, days, weeks or months after we don’t get it.

Both of these positions are showing our egos at work.

Our ego fears being in the unknown, being overwhelmed and being out of control. So it will do anything it can to avoid experiencing this BIG 3.

And it will make up all sorts of negative stories about them in the process.

You don’t need to let your ego run amuck in your life.

Instead, you can choose to get grounded, present and available.

Which helps you use your two ears, rather than your one mouth.

Truly listening to the person you are in disagreement with can create surprising outcomes. 

Truly listening means listening without figuring out your own agenda at the same time. You just listen. And really hear what the other person is saying.

Truly listening allows you to more easily respect what the other person has to say.

It’s about respect, not agreement

An important thing about respect is, that it doesn’t have to mean AGREEMENT. 

You can respect what the other person has to say without having to agree with it. 

You can respect the person’s right to have their say, if not WHAT they are saying.

Cultivating respect allows you to see more easily what is really important in a conflict.

Both sides have value

Seeing both sides, even opposing sides, of a situation can allow new perspectives to arise. 

Being grounded, present and having respect gives you the courage to speak more honestly and openly about your own needs and desires. 

The challenge of being more present means that you are more likely to feel what is happening inside of you. 

The trick is to make these feelings OK, and to breathe them through you. To take deeper breaths and exhale through your mouth. Breathing helps emotional energy to move and shift inside you.

Getting grounded is a key ingredient

Being grounded helps you stay present as you move through these feelings.

You get grounded by connecting to the earth. Which you do by simply imagining the earth below you. Feeling its solid presence, its cool moist greenness, its rocky surface or its crystalline core. You can even imagine breathing it up into you. It sounds woo woo but it works.

Being grounded helps you listen with all of you. And speak from all of you. 

It helps you rise to the challenge of seeing conflict as a pathway, rather than a roadblock.

In these days when life is so busy, and often challenging, it can be easy to put your relationship on the back burner.

Relationships are living things, a force of nature, and this means they are either growing or dying. They’re never standing still.

Even if they are moving at a pace too slow to notice, they are heading in one direction or another.

So how do you make sure your relationship is growing?

Well, you definitely don’t leave it on a windowsill and forget about it. You choose to respect and nourish it.

You choose not to let the world control your relationship, you put yourselves in charge instead. And you do it together. 

We offer you these simple tips to put into your day and reap the rewards.

You can try one, or two, or a few at a time.

If you’re not in a relationship at the moment, you can do each of the following activities with yourself. 

If your partner isn’t in the space to try these with you, do them with yourself without trying to involve your partner. Then when you’re feeling nurtured and well-loved offer them to your partner. Let your partner know why, and over time, notice the responses you get. 

Growing Love Tips for Busy People:

Daily 30 Second hugs: Do you have 30 seconds to grow your relationship? Taking 30seconds to hug

allows you to connect at more than the just physical level. When we hug (and breathe deeply), it connects hearts and awakens pleasure.

Sit/stand directly in front of each other when you communicate: It means that your bodies, hearts and souls are able to communicate at the same time. You make deeper connections without even having to try.

Make eye contact: Our eyes truly are the window to our souls. Take the time to really look into your partner’s eyes for a moment or two each day. It’s amazing how we can let this simple form of connection disappear. And it’s amazing how quickly we can grow it. 

Slow down together: One of the simplest ways to make a connection with someone is to slow down together. Pause. Take a breath. Give each other the gift of your presence. Let the world go to hell for a minute, or two. It will go where it’s going whether you drop out for a few minutes or not. No agendas, just pause and see what arises. 

Share an appreciation: Appreciation is like balm for the soul and sharing with your partner something you appreciate about them daily can really train their unconscious mind to see you as a source of love and acceptance they will want to keep tuning in to. Keeping it simple and real is the trick.

Share something true about yourself: This person you’re in relationship with is the most important. Can you let them in to who you really are? Intimacy is all about in-to-me-see and letting your partner see your authentic self is the way to grow it.

Share an activity you both enjoy: It can be a s simple as a cup of tea, coffee or glass of wine.

Ask your partner what they most need in this moment: In this busy, stress filled time it is easy to get overwhelmed. Asking someone what they need and being genuinely interested in the answer can help reduce the overwhelm. You don’t have to provide a solution, you are allowing them to feel heard and giving an empathetic response.

Make a genital connection: Strange as it may seem, your genitals have an intelligence all of their own. They also have a storehouse of energy. Getting them together helps them and you connect. This is not about having sex, or orgasm. It’s simply about connecting your genitals together, relaxing, breathing and feeling your connection with partner through them. 

Ask for their agreement: If you want to talk to your partner about something, don’t go barging in on them with your needs. Ask them if this is a good time for them to hear you. This shows your partner that you respect them as a unique individual with their own needs.

Let your partner know the benefits: If there is something that you want from your partner, don’t just tell them what you need/want. Let them know what benefit it will bring you. This gives them not only a positive sense of why they would do this, it also gives them a sense of being on your team. Being on the same team is more inspiring than being given an order that you don’t understand and feel obliged to meet.

Loves, Fears and Desires: Before you go into lovemaking give each of you the chance to share what you love about the sex you have. And what your fears might be around it. Everyone has fears about getting intimate and sexual, it’s normal. It’s much better to normalise them by speaking them, rather than having them go round and round in your head. Thirdly, share your desires in this moment. It doesn’t mean you have to fulfil them all. Again, it’s about being real and making a connection.  

Taking action makes a difference

Don’t just think about, as thinking about it won’t create change. Doing it will.

Your relationship is (or can be) one of your most precious resources, make it something you cherish with these simple steps.

How we do romantic partnership today, and how we love, is the most important work you can do in this lifetime. 

It doesn’t matter how much money you make, how big a house you have or how much status you have in the world.

And it doesn’t even matter how many screaming orgasms or blissful experiences you have, if you can’t show up in love with your partner.

It’s at home where it most counts.

As this year starts to come to a close, is it time to review how you have actually been as a romantic partner this year? 

There’s a saying that goes “Try thinking you’re an enlightened being in front of your family”. In other words, we can think the sun shines out of us whilst we’re sitting on our own little mountain top Ie. in our heads. It’s only when we get around our relationships that our skills, or the lack of them, really show up.

Where on your list of priorities has your relationship been? 

Have you really made an effort to look at your relationship choices? Or have they been putnin a “low-down on the to-do list, one-day kind of fantasy”?

This year, where have you:

• Put up walls rather than been vulnerable?
• Made your partner wrong without looking at your own behaviour?
• Yelled and screamed abuse, rather than open your heart?
• Stayed hard and held onto being right, rather than really listened?
• Spent hundreds of hours at the gym, at work or at yoga rather than focus on your way of relating?
• Chosen love over fear when it was the hardest?
• Been so terrified of being abandoned you would pick a fight rather than get close? 
• Been so terrified of being too loved you chose to sabotage the good things instead?
• Done your relationship work with the person in front of you? Instead of in your head, or with a friend or solo therapist? 

Graeme and I have done all those things this year, even with all our skills and experience. But we did them a lotless. (actually, we never yelled or screamed abuse, we seemed to have nailed that one…). And we always make our relationship one of our top priorities. 

It’s different in relationship

What most of us don’t understand is that we have different neural networks that become activated when we become relationally attached to someone. 

That’s why you can feel SO good being single (or imagine you are) and then have all the nightmares come out when you get into a romantic relationship. 

It’s also why some people can be so great at their careers, or in their lives. And then struggle so hard in their marriages or while dating. 

Many more of us assume that doing solo growth will automatically translate to relationship growth…

It doesn’t.

It doesn’t change the way even our tone of voice can change when we talk to our partner. Because we are unconsciously talking to the childhood caretaker who caused us grief. And causing our partner pain and grief along the way. 

Healthy Communication sounds boring but it can change your relationship!

Learning the art and science of healthy communication might sound really boring. But done in the context of your relationship it can truly change your life. 

You can discover:

• how to share in a way that feels safe to your partner. 
• Learning to understand the impact of your words.
• how to hold their experience with love and presence.
• how to be way less judgemental and way more open-hearted…

Most of us are living in our relationships as our inner children, rather than as the mature Sovereigns within us. 

Our relationship work really starts when we stop blaming our relationship or the person in front of you…

And instead you own, with our whole heart, our own reactions and stories and experiences. 

Then, true love can finally start to blossom.

The GSpot page on our Oztantra website is the one with the consistently highest rating.

Even more than the ones on lasting longer for men.

Even though the idea of the GSpot was rediscovered in 1950 by German scientist Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg, we still struggle to find it. I say rediscovered because the GSpot has been long known of in sacred sexuality circles, in ancient tantric temples by the tantrikas. It was known as the “sacred spot” then. It disappeared when woman’s pleasure became less important and she was to “bear these things”, for the joys of motherhood. It still confuses women, men and the medical profession today.

The GSpot is well worth being curious about as it is this spot that provides unlimited possibilities for women. To further know, enjoy and accept their bodies, their sexuality, themselves, and their feminine power. This is why we are offering a second article on this delicious little subject…However, if you don’t feel a desire to explore this part of you, or you have and haven’t enjoyed it, please know there is nothing wrong with you. This is just information for you to take or leave…

To learn how to find and awaken the GSpot see our first GSpot article here.

Some of the reasons a woman’s GSpot can still be missing in action:

– Expectations and trying too hard. Now that we know what the GSpot is capable of, we can bring our expectations with us. We then overlook what IS happening because of what we think should be happening. The best way is to stay completely in the moment and open to what happens.

  – The GSpot can be missed completely when the woman is not fully aroused. Because until it is aroused and become like a roughened almond it lies flat inside the vaginal wall. If you can’t feel it, just believe in it, visualize it, relax and keep exploring. And see our article on arousing the clitoral network here.

It’s not just about nerve placement

– The GSpot response is partly about where her physical pleasure spot is place in her body. It’s also about exactly where her particular set of nerves are placed (like our ears, we’re all slightly different). But as you’ll see further down, it’s also about energy.

It needs more time

– It takes time. A GSpot can take longer to arouse than a clitoris (around 20-40 mins) to arouse and if this part is missed, then nothing happens.

– It can be useful in the early stages of exploration to take special time just to focus on the GSpot by itself, rather than as foreplay for lovemaking…

– Once fully awakened the GSpot response can be instantaneous, although it will always be variable, because it is part of your feminine soul. Just don’t expect to always “perform”.

– Arousal can be short circuited by focussing entirely on clitoral orgasm, (they have different nerve supplies). So, if you are looking to explore your GSpot can be better to build stimulation in the clitoris but stop short of orgasm. Then begin to focus on the different sensations and possibilities in the Gspot. Although this isn’t true for all women.

GSpot orgasms are different

– Clitoral orgasms are usually short, localised and intense, but the Gspot is a slow burn. It may take a while, but when it gets going, GSpot pleasure can be deep, full bodied, and come in waves, rather than one obvious peak. GSpot orgasms can feel like they implode, rather than explode. When it does show up it will seriously rock your world…. (and your partner’s too…)

 – Whole body tension is another short circuit. Often a woman will tense her body to create a clitoral orgasm. This is completely the opposite of what the GSpot requires. So, when you feel arousal happening remember to relax, deepen your breathing, exhale out of your mouth and let your muscles go. Let go of pushing or performing, just be curious.

– Over use of a vibrator can either short circuit sensation by being too much too soon, or it can toughen and numb the GSpot, reducing its sensitivity. So, take it slowly whilst it warms up. If you use a vibrator and your GSpot stops responding try something different. Use your fingers, your breath and sound for a while and see if you can reawaken it. If you haven’t ever tried an internal vibrator with a GSpot attachment, give one a try. You can also try a crystal wand.

Weak pelvic floor muscles

– Weak and/or tense pc muscles (the muscles between our legs that we feel when we try to stop the flow of urine). These muscles can suffer from lack of use, hyper tension etc and leave our vagina lacking in pleasure. Begin to contract and release these muscles as often as you can each day to build their strength. Make sure you isolate and just contract the pc, not your stomach or buttocks. To help identify your pelvic floor muscles, stand pigeon toed and try to squeeze your pelvic floor, it’s very specific. And make sure you relax the muscles fully in between squeezes- relax them, then relax some more before contracting again. The last thing you want is to add more tension to already tight muscles. You might like to try a yoni egg (you might see a familiar face there too!) to help strengthen and tone your pelvic floor. Or a Perifit kegel exerciser.

It takes more pressure

– Know that it can take much more pressure than your clitoris. Almost as much pressure as your (or your lover’s) finger, or your toy, can create. Build up slowly though. Get to know your GSpot’s size, shape and moods as you do so.

– Sometimes your lover can place the fingers of his/her other hand just above your pubic bone and press down gently. This anchors the GSpot between his/her two fingers, one above, one below. Imagine you’re holding the GSpot between your fingers as you do so.

It can be numb or painful at first

 – Sometimes a Gspot feels totally numb and so we think it doesn’t work and give up. With attention and love as described here it CAN be fully activated, keep practicing. Keep breathing into it and sounding out as you exhale. Feel any emotions that arise fully. Give yourself full permission. Keep believing that this amazing spot is real and exists is important, and just keep at it. At all times during this exercise, just breathe deeply and focus on feeling your body.

– Sometimes the Gspot is the opposite- it’s very painful when it’s touched. There can be burning, stinging, needle like sensations that we reasonably want to avoid. We want pleasure, not pain, so we avoid going any further. Know that this pain is old stored emotion from unhelpful beliefs about your sexuality. Or from difficult past sexual experiences that are still held in your body. With attention and love it can be released, through feeling, breath and sounding.

There is more going on than just pleasure

– Not understanding that the GSpot is an emotional and energy centre. The feelings aroused here can be unfamiliar, and intense and so they are shut down. Understand that these emotions are an important part of your sexuality and of who you are. They exist as an energy that will become pleasurable when accepted and released. Allow any emotions that arise just to be felt or expressed, even if it is intense fear, sadness or rage. Breathe into your heart, release your emotions and bring love into your GSpot and its emotions.

–  Not being able to drop into your body and surrender. To fully experience the GSpot you need to trust your body, and surrender into your sensations, letting go into them with every out breath. Make sounds as you exhale- sound the pain, sigh, yell or shout. Give yourself permission. Sometimes a woman can have fear about stepping into her feminine power which makes it hard to surrender. It can take time and practice. Finding a place in your body that is safe can help.

– Not understanding that the GSpot is a psychic energy centre, capable of giving us experiences of altered and heightened states.  There is the physical GSpot, which we have covered. There is also the energetic point of the GSpot, which is located in the second chakra. It is deeper in, in the body, somewhere behind and above the pubic bone. It moves about to the left or the right. You find it as much by intuition as by technique. It is this energy point that brings the really transformative GSpot experiences. As is attested by Charles Muir from Source Tantra, the man who has helped women awaken more GSpots than any man on the planet. We have found it to be true in our experience as well. We suggest you just play with this idea and see if it is true for you.

Sex positions to activate the GSpot

– Three sexual positions can help hit the GSpot more easily. Such as woman on top. This position allows the partner being penetrated to control the action and move their body as they please. The person with the penis can lie back and enjoy their partner riding them. Spooning: Lie on your side and have the penetrating partner be the big spoon. Bring your knees up slightly and have them enter you from behind. And finally Doggy style- it’s all about the angle. Communicate about the depth and speed so it works for both of you. 

Accepting that it’s messy

– A woman can shut down if her partner is uncomfortable with her intensity and her messiness. Take your time, talk about it and both of you build a relationship to this part of her. Know that as her partner all you need to do is be supportive and encouraging. And if you do you’ll have an empowered Goddess on your hands, who’ll have her heart open to you. Don’t take anything she says personally, because in that moment it isn’t personal to you, she’s just clearing stuff. And men challenge yourself to learn to last longer, long enough to help her GSpot awaken. Check out this page to both last longer in lovemaking AND increase your pleasure. It will help you build the sexual relationship (and relationship) of your dreams.

The BIG no to GSpot pleasure: Fear of Female Ejaculation

A woman about to ejaculate feels like she is about to wet herself.

– Oh no! Usually one of the first signs you’ve found your GSpot is feeling like you need to pee!

– Ejaculation is fluid that is expelled from a woman’s prostate gland when her GSpot is aroused. Yes, she too has one, in the erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra, which the GSpot forms part of. And very close to where she pees from, because it’s all connected. But it can be off putting for a woman (and her partner) if she thinks she is peeing.

– Awakening the GSpot may stimulate this ejaculation. Which can be just a few mls and she may just think she got wet all of a sudden. Or it may be anywhere up to a cup, or three, of liquid.  (You can even buy gorgeous squirting blankets to keep you comfy as you pleasure!). It can happen with an orgasm, or without. This fear of urinating will often prevent her from following through and simply allowing this natural and delicious experience.

It’s NOT urine

– To help dispel this fear know that the ejaculation fluid, which in tantric terms is known as Amrita, is NOT urine.  Amrita actually has a different chemical composition, smell and taste from urine. Sometimes it is really sweet, but is the woman has processed a lot of emotion it can be more acrid and urine-like. Amrita is believed to help lubricate the urethra from the acidity of urine, reducing infections. Amrita also sweetens the acidic environment of the yoni to enhance sperm survival. Far from being shameful, Amrita, the nectar of love is thought to be a Gift from God, and is seen as a source of rejuvenation. Letting go of Amrita can be an exquisite bliss that is beyond words, leaving a woman renewed and glowing. And her partner too if they are lucky enough to be splashed by it. 

– But a woman can often hold back in fear of “wetting herself”. In fact, it is very difficult for a woman to pee when highly aroused. Just like it is difficult for a man to pee when he has an erection. Knowing this can help a woman to relax and let Amrita flow when she has the urge to “pee” that comes from stimulation of her Gspot. Get up and have a pee then you know what comes out will be amrita. Breathe deep, relax, sound if it helps, trust and let, let go.

There are two paths to ejaculation

– To help this happen a woman can do one of two things. She can totally relax and let the ejaculation happen. Or she can gently bear down on her pelvic floor and help it to happen. Bearing down too early, when she is not fully aroused, especially if her pelvic floor muscles are weak can allow some urine to escape. This is why it can be great to play with finding your ejaculation in the bathtub, no worries whatever happens. Removing her fingers, toy or partner’s penis from her vagina when she feels ready to release can help. As can changing the stimulation from the come hither movement to a fast side to side one.

So there is much to learn about this tiny little spot in a woman’s body. It’s an experience that is different every time, but it’s always real. It can be very intimate to share with someone. Or to surrender into completely in yourself, whether alone, or with a partner. It’s an exploration that can last a lifetime.

To hear us talking about all of the above see our GSpot video here.
Or speak to us directly to have your remaining GSpot questions answered by contacting us directly via our contact link.