Tantra Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

How Tantra Prevents Boredom in the Bedroom

August 2, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

If you’re in a long term relationship you will have faced the age old question of “how do we prevent boredom in the bedroom”?

You might have tried to spice things up with some lingerie, sex toys, role plays, even a little BDSM…

But sooner or later the boredom in the bedroom creeps back in leaving you feeling you’re back at square one.

Being in a long term relationship takes skill, commitment, focus and work and often the pay off can seem too far away, or not enough to justify the effort.

Heart connected sex

Yet, time and time again, we have seen couples from the very beginning of introducing tantric relationship skills totally transform both their sex lives and their intimate loving connection. Sex becomes loving, fulfilling and creative, leaving couples with a bond strong enough to survive any temporary boredom in the bedroom.

What are the Tantric skills of which we speak?

They are:

Ownership of our sexuality as a beautiful thing
Being in the here and now, rather than in agenda
Being embodied (aware of the internal experience our bodies are having)
Being authentic (what we show on the outside matches what we’re experiencing within)
A willingness to be vulnerable and allow our partner in to us (in-to-me-see)
Being connected with our hearts and its qualities of love, courage, trust, humility, generosity and compassion
A willingness to take responsibility for our thoughts, emotions, words and actions
A willingness to be a co creator in manifesting our desires
Awareness of our sexual pleasure as energy and moving between moments of building energy and moments of allowing it to flow
Using breath to both move and expand pleasure; and to change our physical, emotional and mental states
Being open to the mystery that lies within us.

Tantra benefits all

A successful relationship that is nurturing, loving and sustainable has mastered their heart connected sex lives together as its life blood.

The power of this transformation automatically flows into all other aspects of their lives as well.

Couples with children who have introduced tantric skills demonstrate healthy and loving role models for them. What a gift this is for any child! Imagine how it would have been in your own life, to have had role this modelled for you.

And someone who is present, embodied, emotionally intelligent, heart connected, self aware and empowered will go a long way to creating what they want in life.

Tantra is spiritual sexuality

We are all born into this world as spiritual sexual beings.

We are this way until we’re conditioned out of it by those around us who misunderstand and fear its truth.

Those choosing to learn tantric practices are actually reconnecting with this spiritual sexual part of themselves and deepening it. Tantra is not a cult or dogma and even those who are not ‘into spirituality’ find their own understanding and gifts for themselves within it, with most finding that it just makes sense to live this way.

Much of learning tantra in your relationship is about removing your blockages than learning complex tantric techniques. Remove the blockages and move walls out of the way and not only will your boredom in the bedroom resolve, you will revert to more of your natural state as sexual spiritual beings.

Tantra is connection to ourselves as well as to each other

Tantric techniques and understandings also offer pathways for our equally strong need for independence and sense of self in relationship. In fact, it will create a healthy and active environment for the intimacy and autonomy required for ongoing desire and passion in your relationship over the years.

Your own journey into your true personal depth and being really comfortable in your skin is much easier to achieve and sustain in a committed relationship. “Easier” doesn’t actually mean that it is easy to do, it’s more that your personal stuff is more accessible…ie. your emotional buttons get pushed easier for you to see and heal. And because you’re working with your partner in a vital, intimate and loving environment where tantric skills really impact.

As Osho said, “ you can live on your own in a cave and meditate for years, but your journey of discovery about yourself commences when some one moves into that cave with you and tells you clean your shit up…”

We’ve been there too

Both Annette & Graeme have experienced the highs and lows of relationship, from divorce right through to self exploration and the heights of tantra. What we bring in is experience, knowing and understanding as teachers who specialise in relationship sexuality, especially for people in mainstream relationships.

Partners in long term relationships have reached an understanding and posses a knowing about themselves and each other that requires a different level of skill and commitment from professionals who choose to work with them. We have developed techniques that will meet a couple where they are at, regardless of how conservative they may be.

When we are working with people our focus is on the experience, as this is where the understanding and techniques drop in very easily. We don’t require complex special techniques or language, in fact it is quite the opposite, the more simple and practical the better. For here the mind can relax and the feelings arise.

At Oztantra, this healthy environment is our focus in all aspects of our work with couples. It is that important; and when introduced in a grounded and connected way totally life changing.

To being a little Tantra into your life and end boredom in the bedroom forever try one our our Couples Retreats

Couples Retreat Bali, Ecstasy and Intimacy

Or if you have other questions contact us here.

Getting to know the stranger

January 25, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Listening with curiosity rather than judgement…

It’s human nature to get into habits…

And these habits are also a way of avoiding living constantly in the unfamiliar, which can be highly stressful for some…

In relationship, habits can work both for and against us.

Creating habits does work for us in the building of unique little rituals only we share, creating feelings of connection.

Some habits can also work against us, in creating and allowing unhealthy relationship patterns, such as taking our partners for granted.

Habits like taking our partners for granted can be a fast track to relationship boredom and dissatisfaction.

Here is how it can happen, and that it is also possible to learn embodied listening with curiosity as a way out of boredom and into fascination.

In new relationship there seems to be so much to talk about.

In the bubble of new love you’re completely fascinated by each other, literally hanging on each other’s words.

You’re fully engaged in the moment with them, hours seem to disappear, making time seem meaningless.

If you think back on it, you were probably not only hearing their words you also noticed their facial expressions, the nuances of their body language, subliminal messaging and even their tone of voice.

Your own body was involved in the conversation as well, feeling tinglings of excitement, an openness and an aliveness that felt totally engaging.

But after a while it begins to seem as if you’ve heard it all before.

You assume there’s nothing new coming and your interest level wanes.

It becomes easier to check out the TV, Facebook or your emails rather than give your partner your full disconnected couple attention.

You believe you know what this once fascinating person is going to say before they even open their mouths and quickly start to tune out and think of other things.

It’s the same thing with your own sharings, you think they’ve heard you all before, that they’ll be assuming they know it all and that you will have little new to say.

Sharing becomes a bore and you wonder where has the spark gone?

But the spark hasn’t really disappeared, it’s just that where you’re coming from in your listening isn’t creating or allowing the spark to ignite.

You’re listening to your significant other from your intellectual self, where your judgements and assumptions come easily.

Are you judging your partner based on the past rather than experiencing them fully in the now, as you used to do ?

Are you assuming you know what the other’s talking, rather than actually listening to what they are trying to communicate?

This becomes an assumption that you know everything about who the other person is, and listening to answer, rather than listening to actually hear and feel into what they trying to communicate.

You might actually know who they’ve been, but you don’t know who they’re being right now if you’re not truly listening, and miss out on seeing their growth and change.

And you’ll miss who they’re becoming as it hasn’t happened yet.

Don’t you want to be there to find out?

The information they’re sharing may be the same as they (or you) have shared before.

But this person has lived more of their life since the last time they shared and their life experience makes the different.

They may be in a different space emotionally or energetically.

Don’t just listen to the story and assume you know all about it, and therefore all about them (which is not only Creating Safety in Intimacy limiting it is also shaming).

Do yourself a favour and see your spouse in this moment as a whole new being you’ve never met before.

Do all those things you used to do without thinking, put all of your attention onto who they are being right now, observe rather than judge, listen with your body, listen with your heart rather than your head, feel into them as well as hear them.

Ask open questions, inviting more of them to emerge..

Ask opening questions that invite deeper sharing such as ‘how was that for you?’ or ‘can you tell me more about that?’

This spark of curiosity in you allows previously unforseen questions to arise in you so you can ask them.

All this extra information will be totally new and interesting as it has never happened before in exactly this way.

The same is true for you, you’re different from the person you were when you last heard this information. What is it that you are noticing in yourself?

Relationships are either growing or dying

One of the things that stops us from fully seeing or listening with our whole self is that we may feel uncomfortable or have fear over what we may find.

We may hear our partner’s pain, feel their walls or maybe their lack of presence with us.

We’re tempted to make this about us but the skill is in seeing that where they’re at is about them.

How we perceive them is about us.

If you can separate yourself from them and hear, see and feel them as a multi layered, unique being at this particular moment in their own world, having their own experience from a place of curiosity you will find a fascination that never leaves.

Offering our presence in this way can allow our significant other to share more openly as well.

There’s nothing like an engaged, available listener to inspire a person to new heights.

After all, isn’t that what used to happen?

Your partner will feel seen, heard and even loved, unconsciously inviting the same from them.

Yet this is about being curious for ourselves, to create our own satisfying relationship experiences rather than expecting anything in return, for expectations deny possibilities.

Practice: Experience your next conversation with your partner as above rather than just listening with your intellect and see what happens!

Sexual Healing

February 11, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sexual Healing, the Myth…

As a man, and a sexual male who is in a long term and committed relationship, I find it challenging to hear and read the current debate around sexual healing by male “healers” with women.

With this in mind, I have decided to speak out as a professional who works with men and women, both singles and those in long term relationships.

Sexual Healing Sessions

I have had many sessions with men and women, both as couples and singles, and most importantly on my own or with my partner Annette.

Either way, always following up with debriefing about my experience with her.

I am also speaking from my place in my long term relationship with Annette, who is my lover, teacher, critic and business partner.

How I show up with her is my measure in how I am with a client, as it is also with her and her clients.

The relationship we share is a powerful space of deep clarity, challenge and compassion, and a gift that we both bring into our work.

We are “owner operators” in every sense of the phrase…..

Don’t get me wrong, I have on many occasions had sessions that involved varying degrees of nakedness and sexual touch.

One thing that I have not heard, in any of this “debate” around male sexual healers, is just how powerful a sexual healing experience can be for a woman, where she is fully clothed and not being physically touched.

How would it be, for you as woman to feel safe, and sexual in a way that is invited by a space that is clear, intense and healing?

Where the healing is in simply experiencing a deeply personal loving open hearted man in his sexuality, without personal agenda?

Where the opening is to herself rather than to the man, in a space held by clear masculine presence ?

“The myth is that sexual healing must involve nakedness or sexual touch, even sexual penetration”.

In fact, I believe the exact opposite is true in most cases.

Sexual Healing is not about sex

It is healing simply for a woman to be penetrated by clear masculine sexual heart presence while remaining fully clothed and not being physically touched.

In this space of not having sex, but in feeling her sexuality opening deeply as she opens her heart to herself, especially in a space held by deeply personal and loving masculine heart space.

Experiencing the difference between “universal” love and “deeply personal” love is a big part of what sexual healing is about, particularly while being held by clear healthy masculine presence, and this is not about having sex or even being sexual.

How many women have opened their hearts, only to have it quickly closed down by unconscious sex ?

Remembering, that most women have been hurt by unconscious men, and in too many cases, this masculine shadow or unconsciousness can also be cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Abuse can happen when the woman opens to the healer rather than herself and is where she may loose herself and be susceptible to being taken advantage of.

Especially when she is moving towards her sexual empowerment and freedom.

Opening to herself

Clothed or not, a woman opening to herself will soon feel and tell a man with a hidden agenda where to go with it!

Over the years through our work, I have had many conversations with men “desiring” to learn the art of sexual healing and with out exception my direction with them is to learn about their own sexual heart connection first.

How many women out there want to do something sexually empowering for themselves, but don’t want to have to bare their souls to more of the same, especially if it is even more cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Increasingly, people and particularly women have become fed up with the co dependancy that has plagued the modern Tantra movement and are expecting more depth and clarity from their experiences.

As a woman, simply trust your feelings first and foremost, and seek out a session that brings YOU in touch with your own awareness, coming into your feeling body and your heart, then from that place, connecting with what it is that you desire for yourself.

Mind Blowing Oral Sex

January 26, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

For truly enjoyable, even inspiring Oral Sex

Forget about the best oral sex techniques you read in Cosmo or Men’s Health…

It’s not so much what or how you give and receive oral, but most importantly where you’re coming from when you’re giving it…

And, this is not another on of those “Sex Tip articles with 10 instant success techniques”….

Instead, we’re going to explore where you’re coming from when you’re going down, and how that may look…

What doesn’t work:

The Performer:

This lover is not actually giving you head they’re taking from you…they’re making you feel good so they can too. they want to give you such a great orgasm (whether you really enjoy it or not) that their view of themselves as a hot lover is reaffirmed. Afterwards you can feel taken from rather than given to.

The Juice Extractor:

These lovers are all about the agenda- the oral sex is for one reason and one reason only- it’s the warm up for the ‘real’ sex act of penetration. So their actions are always done with a focus of getting somewhere else that’s better and as a result they drain all the juice out of the ‘right now’ moment for both you and themselves.

The Mr or Ms Technique:

Some lovers are more sensitive but still focussed on the right techniques to get the job done rather than for the pure enjoyment of the act itself. The thing about the being totally technique based is that you can feel your lovers ‘detachment’, there is no real intimacy exchanged. No matter how good the technique is something is missing.

Mr or Ms Clueless:

This is the lover that has absolutely no idea what to do, perhaps from a lack of experience, some negative experiences or simply a fear of inadequacy. As a result they’re disconnected from their bodies and running fear based stores in their minds about what will go wrong, rather than being present with their lover.

The Faker:

This lover doesn’t have much idea how to go about oral love but they pretend they do and bull doze their way through, resulting in a less than satisfactory experience for both. Or they pretend they want to be there when they really don’t, with the same results.

The Do Gooder:

This is the needy or insecure lover who gives oral sex in order to get approval, love and attention from you, without which their sense of self is absent. Again, they are not really present in the act with you, they’re in their heads waiting for the love and approval to show up from you.

The Bookkeeper:

Your ‘Oh My God’ of pleasure is another score in the tally book for this lover who is always keeping tabs on who has given and who has received what. It may sound loving to want to keep the balance between giving and receiving equal but it ends up as a barter system with a “If you give me this then I’ll give you that” system which is anything but productive of genuine pleasure.

The Master Controller:

“I’m going to have and orgasm no matter what, I just have to try hard enough to make it happen”. This lover is desperate for pleasure and is going for it no matter what. And their mind oriented and control focussed approach will be doing two things: creating a tiring experience for the lover doing their best to support them and limiting their own capacity for pleasure. Because really big pleasure does not come from a place of mind control- nice orgasms can but the eye rolling, head back, screaming, shuddering full body and beyond orgasm comes only from surrender of the mind to the body and even the heart.

And, what good loving oral sex can look and feel like…

Any “master lover’s” oral technique starts way before they get to the coalface of their partner’s genitals. Their mindset is one of being really into pleasure, seeing it as play, joy, delight and a mutual exchange of energies.

Where giving and receiving blend into moments of pure enjoyment.

Where giving becomes receiving and receiving is an act of giving. Their focus is on letting go into the moment, surrendering their minds to their hearts and bodies, delighting in their senses.

They are not focussing on controlling their lover but offering to, teasing and savouring their lusciousness. Knowing they are making love to the whole person, not just a set of genitals.

With this approach the likely outcomes are:

The Master Oral Lover will enjoy themselves hugely and feel like they have received as much as given.

Their lover will feel seen, felt, ‘gotten’ as never before.

Technique becomes less important.
The two main techniques are:
1. Connecting with their own body first, breathing deeply, feeling their own heart and arousal, letting the love and arousal course gently through them so it will ‘resonate’ in their lover.

For woman receiving, it is important to start as far from the centre of her genitals as possible, slowly making your way to her clitoris, or her sex centre. And for man receiving, including or connecting with his lingam or cock early, but spreading your touch away or out to include other areas to broaden his focus of pleasure and encourage his awareness of pleasure sensations through out the rest of his body.

No matter what happens later, the master oral Lover is present right now in this moment as the main event rather than the entree.

It is important for both, particularly the receiver, to focus on breathing.

While the giver is creating variety, teasing and taking time combining moving in really close with intensity then moving away again.

A master oral lover will instinctively want to include their lovers belly, thighs, breasts and butts in their touch.

As well as the pubic bone, perineum, and her outer and inner vaginal lips.

Balls and perineum for men and perhaps the anus for both (remembering hygiene if your touching your woman’s vagina afterwards).

An attentive oral lover will also intuitively feel the value of long, continued strokes when it’s feeling really good for their lover.

They make occasional eye contact, letting their lover know that they’re really with them.

They encourage their lover to breathe deeply into the pleasure, breathing short and fast for intensity and alternating with deep and slow for spreading the pleasure through their body.

Doing their own occasional pelvic floor contractions to stimulate their own sexual energy and imagine it flowing through them.

An attentive oral lover will know the value of including their hands on surrounding areas as mentioned above as well as the vaginal opening, her gpsot and the shaft of the lingam/cock.

An attentive oral lover will surrender into the moment and into their heart, which will hold and support their lover into receiving while letting go and surrendering deeper into their own heart connected pleasure.

Enjoy…..