Separating Orgasm and Ejaculation: How to

November 10, 2022 By Annette & Graeme 4 Comments

Have you heard about separating orgasm and ejaculation?

Maybe you’ve read about it.

Or perhaps you have experienced it in a spontaneous moment.

Without knowing how to do it again. Or even why you might want to. Lasting Longer

Almost all men orgasm and ejaculate together almost, all of the time.

It’s the primary urge that has helped sustain the survival of the human species.

Porn, being a visual medium, has helped sustain this dual focus. Ejaculation can be seen, pleasure cannot, or at least, not so easily.

Which leaves men thinking that the two aspects are one, yet this isn’t true.

How are orgasm and ejaculation different?

Orgasm is the delicious tingling feeling that rises, peaks and falls in a wave of pleasure.

Ejaculation is the release of semen, which can be pleasurable but isn’t an orgasm.

There is a rise of heat in the body that happens too.

And they can totally happen separately.

An ejaculation can happen without much pleasure.

And an orgasm- a peak of tingling, orgasmic pleasure, can happen without the release of semen.

Why is separating orgasm from ejaculation something worth cultivating?

There are two big reasons.

It helps you last longer in sex.

Plus, most men have a limited number of times they can ejaculate without draining themselves of their sexual energy. Or at least without some serious recovery time. Especially as they get older.

Energetically, it is not a good thing to drain yourself of too much sexual (life force) energy. It leaves you feeling depleted, less potent and less able to be present and motivated.

It also leaves you hooked into the need to ‘offload’ the burden of your sexual energy. Making this your primary sexual goal, instead of focussing on maximising your pleasure.

Whereas you can orgasm as many times as you like, without this draining effect. Leaving you feeling uplifted and energised instead. Especially if you have circulated your energy around your body a few times first.

So how do you go about separating orgasm and ejaculation?

(And just to be clear, we are not talking about a non ejaculatory orgasm here. This is where you injaculate your semen back into your bladder. We don’t recommend this practice)

The first step is to identify your pelvic floor muscles (the sling of muscles between your legs) and how to relax them. This is the opposite of what happens in an ejaculatory orgasm.

The best way to do this is to get curious about your orgasmic experience. Notice what is really going on in your body, don’t just lose yourself in your pleasure. What is really going on? Where are you tensing, relaxing, feeling etc.

Then try taking a pee with your hands behind your head. This is best done standing out on the back lawn last thing at night. Let all your urine drain out, noticing your pelvic floor muscles relaxing as you do so. Once you’ve finished, take a deep breath, exhale out of your mouth and let your muscles relax a little bit more.

It’s this feeling you need to cultivate as you get close to ejaculation.

It helps the need to ejaculate to drop away whilst keeping the energy in your body. You don’t lose it, it just shifts.

This is one of the many things men are conditioned not to know about their sexuality. There are many more.

Once you’ve learned to do this, you can then start to bring the energy back up by contracting and releasing your pelvic floor muscles. These contractions act as a pump, to activate the tingling pleasure of your orgasmic energy.

To further help identify your pelvic floor muscles correctly, try this. Stand with your toes pointed inwards as you contract and release. This position stops any other muscles in the area eg. your butt, from being activated as well.

Play between building and relaxing

With practice your pelvic floor muscles can activate endless amounts of orgasmic energy. Then you can play between building the energy up and relaxing it through the body. Notice how your body responds, get curious. You’ll find that you can feel pleasure whilst being relaxed. Without having to constantly build tension in your body to offload the ‘burden’ of your ejaculation. It can feel incredibly powerful too, to have this level of choice in your body.

When you choose to ejaculate, it will still be there, it may even be better. Just go back to how you would normally do so. The good thing is, when you do ejaculate, you won’t lose as much energy as you normally would. Take note of how you feel afterwards, do you feel different? It can take a little while to get used to feeling full of energy, rather than emptied out.

Start on your own

It’s great to do this in self pleasuring, as it can be too complicated to start in sex. It helps too, to place your other hand over your heart. Your hands are energy receptors and spreaders and will assist your sexual energy to stay in your body. Once this practice is familiar, you can bring it to your lovemaking.

And the good thing about separating orgasm from ejaculation is that you’re not constantly draining your energy, OR limiting your pleasure. You have the best of both worlds.

If you want more…

Check out our book on things sexuality, where we go in-depth into enhancing pleasure, lasting longer, multiple orgasms and more.

Women’s Pleasure: Is the idea that it is overly complicated true?

October 19, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Is it making women’s pleasure more elusive?

Leaving men confused and women frustrated.
And both missing out on the pleasure they are capable of.

It is surprising how much of our reality is influenced by the beliefs of our time.

You might think it’s just you in the bedroom with your partner. Yet there are many other voices in the background as well, both heard and unheard. Voices that help determine women’s pleasure. And man’s.

Maybe it’s “women must bear these things for the compensating joys of motherhood”.

Or “It’s a man’s obligations to sow his wild oats so he can show off his experience to his woman”.

Or even that “sex is dirty, you shouldn’t be doing it.”

One of the most detrimental ideas we carry about sex is that women’s pleasure is complex and tricky, and men’s is simple and straightforward.

It’s detrimental because believing this puts us on the back foot in approaching female sexuality. Whether it’s our own, or our partners.

And this idea is possibly not even true.

It’s possibly something we’ve simply come to believe.

Women’s pleasure statistics

Now a large, collaborative study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour has revealed that 95% of women orgasm every time they practice solo sex.

This drops to around 65% in women when they are with a known male partner. And it drops even further in casual sex experiences with men. This same drop is not experienced in lesbian sex.

Whilst (straight) men are shown to orgasm “usually-always” 95% of the time. This is whether they’re alone, with a long time partner, or having casual sex.

There are several reasons for this pleasure gap

The people who responded to the survey may have been more comfortable in their sexuality (although it was a very large survey, over 52,000),

In masturbation the orgasm for a woman could be serving a purely functional, even stress relieving purpose. In other words, it’s kept simple.

In sex, especially with a male partner, it is easier for a woman to get her orgasm tangled up with desires for romance, intimacy and commitment. Which would make it easier for her to lose focus on achieving her orgasm.

Though we still have a way to go, the rise of female power and equality is happening across the world. But even in this emancipated day and age, a woman is still likely to give her man’s orgasm a higher priority than her own.

A woman will give a man’s orgasm higher priority because:

she has a lifetime of conditioning to give to others before herself.
both her and her man have been conditioned by the patriarchal system to think he is entitled to his orgasm every time, and she is not.
women still hold a lot of shame about their pleasure and can hold it back in front of their partner.
she has been conditioned by the patriarchal, goal oriented way of viewing sex that doesn’t work for her feminine body, leading her to not be in touch with what it wants, or how to ask for it (even though she can easily order three different kinds of lattes, muffins and smoothies).
she doesn’t want to offend him by making him think he’s not doing it right.
it’s common for her to endure suffering eg. in periods and childbirth. So it’s easier for her to endure a lack of pleasure long enough for him to come, rather than cause offence.
she has got really good at faking her orgasms.

Yet underlying all these are two very powerfully held beliefs.

Firstly, that a woman’s pleasure is complex and tricky, so it is easier to give up on.

And secondly, that a man’s pleasure is simple, like a microwave, 30 secs and beep, beep, beep, he’s done. Giving him no reason to hold it back, just a little more effort and it’s done.

These beliefs are doing both men and women a disservice.

It:

makes a woman’s pleasure seem more daunting, and off putting to seek.
keeps her in a straight jacketed, uninformed way of thinking about her pleasure capacity.
keeps both thinking that one good come and he’s done. This view of male sexuality is a very limited, purely biological one.
short circuits man’s ability to have the more deeply fulfilling, full bodied, multiply orgasmic pleasure he is capable of.

How would it be to believe that both mean’s and women’s pleasure were more similar than different?

Both deserving of time and attention.

Both deserving of a curious, rather than a goal oriented approach.

In a goal oriented approach you have a pre determined outcome that you try to achieve.

A curious approach is more experimental and open ended ie. let’s try this and see what happens.

Leaving both lovers more in the moment, in their bodies, aware of their responses, open to seeing their desires.

Women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to receive more oral sex, deep kissing, manual genital stimulation in addition to vaginal penetration, have longer duration of sex, be more satisfied in their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner, be flirtatious and adventurous eg. use sexy talk and lingerie, and express love during sex.

Wouldn’t men benefit from this variety of approaches to more parts of their body as well?

Leaving them more capable of experiencing more extended pleasure.

Not to mention leaving them more interested in trying a few tantric tips. Tips that leave both lovers even more more in the moment, in their bodies, aware of their responses, open to seeing their desires. Leading them to higher states of ecstasy and bliss, and receiving more of the benefits.

Pleasure Benefits such as:

enhanced mood and body confidence
reduced stress and better sleep
improved relationships through more enhanced oxytocin levels
better communication
boosted immune system
improved skin
increased release of the body’s natural painkillers, called endorphins, which are released during touch and sex.

There are, and likely always will be differences between men and women’s pleasure, and their psyches, sexually speaking.

But perhaps it’s time to put some of those differences to bed.

What Does Your Sexual Energy Mean to YOU?

September 8, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Our sexual energy lies at our core

Most people think of sex, as just something they do between the sheets at night with an intimate partner, but it’s so much more Tantric Sexual Energy than that. Treating the heat and tingling we feel in sexual pleasure as such will change your relationship with it and with each other.

Sexual energy is the primal and creative energy of the universe.

Everything that’s alive was created by it: animals, plants, humans, and even the universe itself by the first big bang. We ourselves were all created by an orgasm, even though most of us cringe at the idea of our parents having sex.

In fact, sex reminds us all of our humanity.

Almost everyone has succumbed to the urge to get vulnerable and naked (and let’s face, even slightly ridiculous, if you think about it!). We’re linked through the ages by those moments of total, sweaty abandon.

“Modern men and women are obsessed with the sexual; it is the only realm of primordial adventure still left to most of us. Human lives otherwise are pretty well caged in by the walls, bars, chains and locked gates of our industrial culture.”

Sex At Dawn, Edward Abbey

Yet sexual energy is so much more than just biology.

It’s your animating life force energy, the creative part of you that brings new life within yourself, as well as bringing your offspring.

Sexual energy is present in:

A relationship as attraction, arousal, passion and pleasure.

It’s equally present in your enthusiasm for interesting projects in work or hobbies.

You’ll find it in the energy you use to run around the back yard with your children and grandchildren. People with disabilities stepping out of shame

It lies in your inspiration for new ideas and creativity, and it’s the energy you feel when you’ve had a shift in your level of self-awareness.

You’ve probably noticed that after really satisfying sex, you find yourself with increased enthusiasm and vitality for living.

Sexual energy opens us and makes us available for life.

When sexual energy is transmuted up through the body to the heart (rather than drained away) it becomes love…

Equally, when sexual energy is transmuted up through the body to the higher chakra centres (rather than drained away) it becomes spirit…

At a physical level

Sex has multiple benefits from reducing high blood pressure and stress, producing dopamine to build confidence whilst inspiring action, oxytocins to enhance affection and bonding to opoids that produce feelings of happiness and wellbeing. Sex keeps us physically fit, and we keep fit to enjoy better sex (and we have to keep fit to have great sex!). Our pleasure may even boost our immunity and reduce chronic inflammation- the source of many disease processes through the production of Nitric Oxide.

Saying YES to your sexuality

Saying YES to your sexual self, connects you to a very deep part of yourself. Even deeper than the love and pleasure you share with your lover. That place within you has nothing to do with actually having sex, it’s your power centre.

Sex is power

This is why it’s used to sell everything in the world from cars to ice cream; and it’s also why the church, culture, society, parents and now pharmaceutical companies want to control it. Even science now tries to explain it- good luck with that! The explanation can never be the experience.

Being connected with sex in a healthy way makes you powerful within yourself

Healthy sex makes you available to deep vulnerability, compassion and healing. It’s worth cultivating your sexual energy for these reasons alone. And the more aware of, connected with, and authentic in your sexual self you are, the more your sexual pleasure flows. It’s a win-win situation!

It’s a natural human desire to want to feel good

Humans commonly seek experiences of altered or uplifted states of consciousness.

Feel good moments that can be as simple as having a glass of wine, watching a sunset, taking a moment in prayer – or as complex as taking mind-altering drugs, or doing a BDSM ritual.

This is part of our longing to break free from the burden of our ordinary minds, and to connect with something larger than ourselves to make sense of the world. Almost every community on earth has some kind of ritual or spiritual practice to access something they call God or Spirit. From shamanic plant use to whirling dervishes to seeking God through prayer.

Suppressing and corrupting this energy is life-taking and unhealthy

For it denies our true nature and makes us neurotic. Suppression of this energy comes from our fear of and conditioning around its power. Sexual problems generally relate to unconsciously acting out the repression, or the unhealthy expression of this energy, rather than by its healthy expression.

Sexual Energy is Natural, Powerful and Beautiful

Sexual energy is catalytic: you can’t see it or measure it, but you can notice its effects. This energy arises in you, changes your state and leaves you feeling different afterwards.

Sexual energy is not just physical

Sexual energy is emotional, psychic and subtle, and it impacts your soul-body. When you’re having sex you’re connecting a lot more than just your bodies. It fosters your capacity for wonder, your absolute confidence and your openness to the world and to your heart. If you can experience this simultaneously with another human being in a loving, sexual context, it’s absolutely magical.

With your sexuality...it is your vitality, your life force

Sadly, it’s the only way most people feel absolute freedom – in that moment of orgasm where they’re free of their everyday, ordinary, limited minds. This experience is known as the surrender or ‘little death’ of the ego.

Almost all of us have been there at some time in our lives, and we want to go back as often as possible

We promote our sexual energy by saying YES to it through how we live, as much as what we do in the bedroom.

You say YES to your sexual energy and potential for ecstasy by:

• Eating plenty of fresh foods

• Living in an aware and embodied way that minimises your negative stress

• Developing a ‘felt’ sense of your body so you know its real signals, including hunger, thirst, tiredness, sexual desire etc

• Minimising your addictions (as they take you away from your felt sense)

• Getting regular exercise, including some that challenges your body

• Getting adequate rest

• Taking a few minutes each day to stre-e-e-e-tch your body

Say YES also by:

• Taking regular breaks from your electronic devices

• Finding gratitude

• Appreciating beauty

• Doing something just for the joy of it

• Doing something purely for sensual pleasure daily

• Making life-affirming choices rather than life-defeating ones

• Being honest and in your integrity

• Doing something for others

• Doing something you love

• Keeping your mind active by learning new things

• Being willing to take healthy risks

• Finding a way to express your inner wild man or woman (the primal part of your nature) to balance the time you spend being civilised

• Developing some kind of spiritual practice, whatever this means for you

You can say YES in the act of sex by:

• Having life-affirming sex through tantric transmutation practices, rather than the energy-draining kind

• Keeping an open mind to the connection between sex and your spirituality

Reviewing your own relationship with this part of you

It’s important to explore the relationship you have with your own sexual energy so you can care for this awesome power in a healthy way. And so you can talk about it more clearly with your partner.

So ask yourself- How do you view your sexual energy? How do you manage it- both in sex, and in your everyday life?
Is it something you nurture, cultivate, savour, transmute, deny, avoid, shut down, drain yourself of or let it control you?

Your answers will give you insight into what is possible in this part of your life.

This post is an excerpt from our book, Coming together- Solving the Mystery of Intimate Sex and Relationship

Men and Women Touch Differently

July 21, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Have you ever recoiled from your lover’s touch because it was too much, too soon?

Or have you ever got bored waiting to be touched where you really, really want it?

This is not always your lover’s fault.

It’s about understanding each other’s bodies more accurately.

You’ve probably noticed that men’s and women’s bodies are different.

Even though they start life in utero exactly the same in baby girls’ and boys’ bodies.

Then at a few weeks old a nifty little thing called the ‘Y’ chromosome develops, causing the male genitals to shift to the outside (with occasional exceptions). This shift, along with the different hormonal framework in men and women, causes a difference in how they respond to touch.

Understanding this difference makes it much less confusing, and much more rewarding, to touch each other.

A Woman’s Body

In her body, woman’s sexuality works from the outside in, from her extremities to her genital centre, her yoni. She’s capable of a high level of energetic intensity and touching her from the outside in really pays off. It it isn’t her body will not only not awaken fully, it will turn right off.

When you touch a woman, to keep it simple, no matter where you’re touching her start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. This helps her feel safe enough to relax and open more deeply.

Imagine that she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are touched last.

– With her body start at the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes, and work your way to her centre.

– If you touch her breast, start at the outside and slowly make your way to its apex, the nipple.

– If you touch her sexual centre, her Yoni, start outside with her belly, inner thighs, pubic area and her perineum- these last two are important parts of her arousal system.

– If you move to her Yoni itself, start at the outer lips, then the inner lips (whether the inner lips are smaller or larger than the outer lips), then the clitoris. The clitoris and internal arousal tissues extend underneath these lips, so including them assists in her overall arousal.

– If you touch the inside, begin at the entrance, taking your time, and then move to the GSpot then eventually the cervix area.

– Vary your touch in pressure, speed and between stroking, massaging, tapping, licking and even holding it still.

Given time and proper awakening, a woman is capable of high states of bliss, where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one in her body, heart, mind and soul. A woman’s sexual energy is magnetic, attracting, and negative in polarity. Lovemaking transforms this negative energy into positive, which is why a woman often has an excess of energy after sex and wants to talk. When her energy is fully transformed, she feels whole in herself, and open to her lover but not needy of him. Her breathing deeply and exhaling through her mouth as she is being touched helps create this energetic shift.

Nb. There may be times when a woman doesn’t want a slow approach, it’s always best to check in with her desires first.

A Man’s Body

His sexuality works from the inside out, from his genitals to the rest of his body. When you touch a man’s body, start at his sexual centre, his Lingam.

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straightforward like a microwave: give him two or three minutes and beep, beep, beep, he’s done. His ejaculatory orgasm is generally seen as the apex of his experience, with sex and love being completely separate. This is of course a gross misunderstanding. It’s merely the outcome of his conditioning, rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Given time, a man is capable of matching a woman’s sexual intensity, including her capacity for multiple orgasms (both with and without ejaculation). Given time he can meet her in her multi-dimensional sexuality too, that includes intimacy, emotion and spirituality.

Start at the man’s sex centre, then invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here. Beginning at his centre, he can relax and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments right at the end for his pleasure. (The one exception to this is beginning at his PSpot (his prostate gland) – he needs to warmup to this one!)

He can spread his pleasure by breathing deeply and exhaling out through his mouth, imagining as he does so that he is lifting his sexual energy up into his heart as he inhales, and is spreading it through the whole of his body as he exhales. Where the mind goes the energy follows.

Help him by keeping one hand on his Lingam and use the other (and the rest of your body) to stroke his pleasure outwards to his extremities. Do remember that his breasts and nipples are pathways to pleasure and heart opening just like a woman’s so don’t be afraid to give these some attention along the way.

Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in polarity. Lovemaking transforms his positive energy into negative, which is why it can be draining for him to discharge his energy and send him to sleep This is where Tantric-style lovemaking, where he moves his energy up and through his body first, is a more restorative pathway. It allows him to charge his body with positive energy and retain more of it when he ejaculates.

Connecting together

Though you might start in different places one way to connect both of you to your bodies at the same time is that while the man is pleasuring the woman, she can hold his Lingam, either in stillness or lightly stroking it. Using lubrication will help him to relax into her touch. Because this connects him with, and validates his sexual centre, he’ll be happy to touch and stroke her, taking all the time she desires. It’s also a great motivation for him to practise his energy spreading practices so he can enjoy for a long time.

She can just hold him, or occasionally lightly stroke him, without distracting her from her own experience. She can also benefit from feeling the rise of his sexual energy in his lingam and feel it echo in her own body’s response.

It’s a win win.

If you would like more details on how to touch each other contact Annette or Graeme here.

The World No Longer Belongs to Men as it Once Did

June 29, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

And that’s a good thing…

A few words from Graeme about healthy masculinity

There has been a lot of water pass under the bridge over the last 2 – 3 years for me. The same as for most with covid and its associated challenges. Along with some locally produced drama’s for us like the NSW floods. Graeme Sudholz

It has been a particularly challenging time for me, in dealing with my own deeply embedded and subconscious demons. I have been to hell, and back.

As a result of this clearing out of my cupboard, I deeply feel and believe that being male has also come under subtle and increasing pressure in recent times. This is reflected regularly and unprompted, in the conversations with men.

It is a Confusing Time to be a Male

My firm belief is that what is missing, to counter the negative labels being thrown around, is a distinct lack of healthy masculinity.

As men, we have a desperate lack of healthy role models, unless we have been lucky enough to have grown up around them. In the form of strong and loving fathers, uncles or friends.

So many sporting heroes, leaders and other so-called examples of male ideals have fallen over, or collapsed under the weight of their own shadows. Or at the very least, are having their shadowy underbellies exposed.

It is a confusing time to be male, with all the negative rhetoric being thrown around, and is easy to feel shame in being male. The media is constantly bombarding us with open ended labels like patriarchy, toxic masculinity, domestic violence and other ugly human behaviours.

I know I certainly feel this negative subtleness, as some of it is deserved, some of it misses the mark and some of it is just male bashing. Change is being called for.

Doing My Own Work

During these external challenges, I deliberately chose to step back from our work in Oztantra. I took a lower profile to enable me to focus on my own demons.

Little did I know how deeply I had buried my past in order to survive it. Even though part of me had somehow suspected it. I had unconsciously buried my past with the belief that I could do that and get away with it. My wheels fell off, I was confronted with nowhere to go, but to meet, clear out and own my cupboard.

It was confronting to see that I had no idea where or how to do it. This after quarter of a century of doing, learning and practising life skills.

I had given up.

Annette was deeply into her cupboard as well, as she has mentioned. It was full on time for both of us. With therapists and everything we could lay our hands on to not only survive, but thrive.

Coming Through

It never ceases to amaze me what is underneath relationship.

Especially the relationship we have with ourselves, that drives all others.

Annette was fully rising into more of her own power, something I found both a relief, and a challenge. We have had no choice but to practise the relationship skills we preach. We did so in order to come out stronger, happier and sexually connected! What we have learnt and bring into our work through Oztantra is unique, effective and f…g real!!!

As an adult, there is no doubt in my mind that, as a child, I had to do what I did to survive the pure horror, terror and trauma of my child hood. My biggest mistake was in under estimating what was living underneath. Therefore I believed I could carry on and ignore it.

As a now survivor of complex PTSD with all the associated trimmings that inevitably go with it, (depression, anxiety; relationship, intimacy and sexual challenges etc) I have achieved total remission. I had to step a long way into, and outside normal therapy to achieve this.

As part of my own cleansing I have written some of this on our website. It is not easy reading, and so is hidden 2 clicks in, behind embedded links. You’ll find it on the “About Graeme” page. Many people have told me that reading my story has given them trust in both me and the process. Although of course it may not be relevant for you as everyone’s path is different.

Stepping Onto My Path Renewed

What all this means, is that I am back on deck. With a clarity and sense of purpose I haven’t felt before. Though my past has cost me dearly, in all aspects of life, it has got me to where I am.

I am grateful for this and I am definitely not going to waste what I have so painfully learnt.

I now have a renewed and robust, loving relationship with Annette. As well as 3 grandkids- a very pleasant distraction and reminder that life goes on. And a renewed passion for my work, coming from a lighter, yet even more grounded place in me.

This is what I see men need to do to thrive in the future.

To look within and live from their own truth. Rather than living unconsciously from the old confines of unhealthy patriarchy, toxic masculinity and sexual shame.
Most men’s inner journey will not be as deep as mine, but it’s the place where their answers to both present and future lie.

Counselling/Coaching For Men

Counselling/Coaching for men will be a big part of my focus. It will develop into more refined aspects moving forward, particularly for men in relationship.

My focus with men includes their:

relationships
identity
sexuality (erection challenges, porn addiction)
dealing with trauma
depression
parenting challenges
workplace and business related issues.

Do you as a man, want some support?
Support to come through these changing times strong, alive, clear and motivated?

We can’t do it alone.

Call me on 0457 966696 or

Contact me for a free 15min chat to explore what I can offer you.

Relationship Breakdown, our National Tragedy

February 28, 2020 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Not Dealing With Relationship Breakdown

is

Our Hidden National Tragedy

Written For

https://intimaterelationships.com.au

Australians are reeling from the recent horrible & tragic consequences of a relationship breakdown in Brisbane, where a husband and father brutally murdered his wife and three small children, before stabbing himself to death.

There can never be an excuse for this kind of act.

Police had been involved

Prior to this horrific incident, police had been involved in this couples’ relationship breakdown, and had advised both of them to seek support regarding domestic violence and an ongoing dispute over child access.

Soon after this violent incident in Brisbane, an obviously distraught police investigator, who was involved at the scene of the crime, stated in a media interview:

“Is this an issue of a woman suffering significant domestic violence and her and her children perishing at the hands of the husband, or is it an instance of a husband being driven too far by issues he’s suffered by certain circumstances into committing acts of this form?”

He has since been stood down for these remarks.

Listen to His Words..

What is happening to the system

What has happened to a system designed to support both the people (and children) involved in a relationship breakdown in a fair, humane and equitable manner, or has the system itself become part of the problem?

My own personal experience of this system

My own personal experience of dealing with this system as a man back in 2000 pushed me to the edge, where I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I believe this recent incident has brought further to the surface, the ugly side of how the complex issues of relationship breakdown are poorly understood and handled.

Information available has limitations

In writing this article, I have spent many hours searching, reading and deciphering statistics, statistics and more statistics.

One thing from that search became very clear: relationship breakdown and domestic violence are not gender issues, but people issues.

Finding an accurate picture is still very difficult, when (according to the ABS2017, Australian Bureau of Statistics) 87% of women don’t report domestic violence to the police and neither do 97% of men.

The reliable statistics we do have come from hospitalisation, coroner and police reports. The ABS2017 itself comments that their available data is limited, and are broadening their survey questions in an attempt to capture more of this picture.

Male suicide is barely the tip of the iceberg

Beyondblue survey has found Ambulance data indicates 30,197 attendances for men who attempted or had suicidal thoughts between 2015 – 16, yet hospital figures identified only @10,000.

“This study tells us that what we know about male suicide is just the tip of the iceberg” Beyond Blue Chair, Julia Gillard.

According to ABS2017, relationship breakdown is the common denominator for both men and women in exposure to violence, with 39% of women and 35% of men experiencing partner violence after separation.

An unpalatable truth

Surely these statistics show a perhaps unpalatable truth in the current social and political climate: that BOTH gendered partners are equally capable of unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty, in the common and highly volatile fuelled up and emotionally charged state of relationship breakdown.

See this next Link about the 2017 tragedy in Cairns, were Raina Thaiday murdered eight children in her care, aged from 27 months to 14 years, 4 boys and 4 girls. Seven of these children were her own, and a niece.

Police are forced to act

In my work as a Relationship Counsellor, I have regularly spoken to members of the police force involved in the hands on aspect of relationship breakdown.

They say that often they’re taking the wrong person ie. the man, away in handcuffs, where it is obvious that both people have been involved in creating the situation.

Making domestic violence a purely gender issue, and heaping all the blame and responsibility onto men, is I believe, making a bad situation worse.

We have a people problem, rather than a gender problem.

With partner violence, a woman is murdered every 6 days and a male every 10 days, yet when all other family members are included, such as children and siblings, victim numbers become relatively even.

My own experience of relationship breakdown

As a partner and parent, I went through my own relationship breakdown in 2000.

I still struggle to put into words the lasting effects of the systematic cruelty I experienced simply because I was a male. I lost my kids, I went from being full time with them to being ‘granted’ 4 days a month.

I was devastated, I spoke up and was simply told “this is the best things for the kids.”

How could I argue with that?

I still have those lawyer letters…

Under this system, my feelings were used against me

My emotionality, the fact I had feelings was used against me, I was devastated, deeply hurting and just plain lost didn’t matter.

My wife and her lawyer deemed I was unfit to have any increase in custody and even threatened an intervention order if I breached any of the ‘list of rules’, such as driving onto the property to pick my kids up.

I was forced to park out on the road, hundreds of meters away.

My solicitor was blunt when she cautioned me my actions or reactions were teaching and influencing my kids in how man treats women.

I had nowhere to go

My hands were tied with nowhere to go, but to suck it up.
Something died in me during this time.

My sense of loss and helplessness was, and still is painful even 20 years later.

Prior to our separation, as our long-term marriage faltered, we sought help.

During our couples counselling, I had my first gob smacking exposure to this undercurrent of bigoted ignorance towards men.

Why wasn’t I asked the same question ?

Our young woman counsellor asked my wife if she had ever been hit, or had experienced any form physical abuse or violence from me, to which she said no.

The counsellor moved on and I interrupted her and asked why didn’t she ask me that same question?

She just looked at me, as if I had suddenly contracted a contagious disease, then continued to move on.

I interrupted her and said that I had been hit on several occasions by my wife and what did she have to say about that?

Without a pause, she continued on with her diatribe and I lost much interest in couples counselling, even though we did try several others with even less success.

Some therapists make better truck drivers

Looking back, I see it now as total incompetence in relationship counselling, and I believe some therapists would make better truck drivers.

I see too that poor therapy is very damaging and that having no therapy is safer than bad therapy.

This is an article from ABC on poor therapy

Decades later, this whole event still saddens me.

My 3 children were also hurting and confused at that time. They felt then, and still feel, that I had abandoned them.

I didn’t want to end up in police custody

At their age, I couldn’t tell them what was really happening.

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t see them simply because I was told by their mother and her lawyer that this is the way it is done.

And I didn’t say that any attempt by me to see more of them would most likely land me in police custody.

The local school could see what was happening, and suggested I come and sit with my children at school, especially my youngest.

My emotion was intense, my youngest just sat on my knee, clung to me and we both cried and cried. I only did this a couple of times, as it was too disruptive for everyone, including her class and teacher.

For me, losing access to my children, created in me a sense of powerlessness, overwhelm and pain that was and still is indescribable.

I am still shocked, decades later how cruel the system still is

I still shocked today, decades later, how heartless and inadequate our system was, and still is for vulnerable men who are hurting.

At no point during the first 18 months of separation was I given any credit or acknowledgement that I loved my kids or that I had a right to see them.

I was the token male whose sole function was purely for financial support and how dare I have feelings for my kids…

My access was measured and limited by financial reasons.

If I was allowed more than a certain number of days per year, the amount I paid would be reduced, which was determined by their mother and her lawyer.

My experience with the Family Law system was beyond belief, every step in this process took months and cost 000’s, with a greedy, heartless and extremely predatory legal system supporting it.

Meeting the Child Support Agency

After separation my ex’s legal genius advised her to remove all joint money and freeze all our bank accounts, in spite that I had agreed and supported her managing business accounts and finances.

On top of lost access, my cash and business accounts had gone or were frozen, despite having a business to run, to live plus child support to pay.

Now I just had to do it with no funds, business or other financial means.

I contacted the Child Support Agency explaining my situation.

They were very clear and stated that my next payment was due next week and they expected it to be made, otherwise there would be penalties.

There was no offer of support or guidance, just a simple threat “pay up or else, and it’s not our problem…”

That really pissed me off.

During the first 3-4 months of hell and indescribable agony of separation, I was slowly and steadily sliding into a deep dark hole.

I was in a bad way

I was unaware of my decline, I was in a bad way.

I remember a conversation at this time with my parents, about what was happening

They refused to believe it and declined to help me, stating that my ex “would never do a thing like that”.

I felt betrayed, I walked out and never had a conversation about that or much else with them again.

A few days later, I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I held my breath and was about to pull the trigger, when the family dog jumped into the front of my ute with me and broke that spell.

I ended up out on the ground, vomiting, and I think I must have blacked out, as when I came out of it the dog was lying beside me with its head resting on my chest.

I broke into tears at the sheer helplessness of my situation.

From that point, I started to climb out my black hole.

I rang Lifeline later that day and a friend was on duty and I spilled my story.

As a current and active Lifeline counsellor, I knew Lifeline was absolutely brilliant, it is free, confidential & 24/7 for any phone call.

Plus, they have one of the most comprehensive computerised data bases of all local services available for people in crisis, like me.

My friends at Lifeline knew something was happening in my life, and after that call, my support really kicked in.

From that moment in time, I threw myself into every kind of self-learning and personal development I could lay my hands on so I could do better than just survive.

Some of this learning happened on weekends.

My ex refused to swap these weekends with me so I missed out on several with my kids during this healing phase, her routine was more important than kids seeing their father.

This meant sometimes four, and at one point six weeks between visits, even though they lived locally.

I will never get that time back.

If I was successful in my ‘attempt’ to end it all, nobody would have known my agony or my reasons, and most likely my actions would have been put down to a ‘mental illness’.

Even today, only a handful of people know my story and how I felt during that time.

Man up

It’s as if “men don’t have feelings, so man up and get over it…”.

Even life long friends bailed out of my life during that time.

From my own personal experience with this systematic form of ignorance, cruelty and torture, I understand (but do not excuse) how men take their own lives or, God forbid, act out something much worse.

According to the Australia Brotherhood of Fathers , 21 men in Australia commit suicide each week as a result of relationship breakdown and our Family Law System.

Out of a total of @ 2,700 Australian (ABS2017) men who suicide each year, that’s over 1000 lives annually, lost to systematic ignorance and cruelty.

Continuing a one sided approach in managing our national tragedy of relationship breakdown and domestic violence is clearly not working.

We have a people problem, not a gender problem..

Sexpo Brisbane 2019: Was it More Than Porn, Flesh and Vibrators?

August 13, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Actually it was a bit confronting…

Our Sexpo experience led us to ask ourselves some interesting questions.

Now, we’re old enough not to be naive…(?)…about an event like Sexpo.

We knew it would be a very different environment from what we would find at, say, a Mind, Body & Spirit Festival. And we knew the surroundings would be in our face, over the top sexual. We had no problem annette and graeme at sexpo with that, in fact we enjoyed it.

In our talks it was a relief to know we wouldn’t raise any eyebrows being upfront about sex. In fact it was a challenge to be upfront enough!

And we loved seeing people wandering through the crowd expressing their sexual personalities through their outfits.

Sexpo is well run, without sleaze…

We found the event to be well run and professional, with a total absence of sleaze. And we guess putting on this kind of event would present more challenges than anyone could imagine. So well done to the organisers.

Where was the enjoyment at Sexpo?

What was confronting was seeing how much of an impact our sexual conditioning still, along with porn and technology, has on peoples sex lives.

The whole energy of Sexpo seemed to us to be about perfect looks, hard bodies and overt performances. Along with hundreds, if not thousands, of various pleasure enhancing gadgets for sale.

Yet we saw few people really enjoying themselves, actually being in their bodies and feeling their innate sexual energy. Even the absolutely stunning, near naked women we saw, projected little or no sexual energy.

People appeared reserved in their enjoyment of what was some quality entertainment. Maybe because it wasn’t a nightclub environment, without alcohol (up the front), people held back.

At the stand next door to us we did experience lots of genuine enjoyment. The crew from Woodhoods’ penis outfits were seriously intriguing people.

And it definitely happened in the amateur strip competition. Participants challenged themselves to take a vulnerable leap of faith .

Maybe the feeling was all happening down the back in the fetish and strip rooms. This is where the biggest line ups were.

We have no judgement about any of these aspects of sex. In fact, we’re tried and enjoyed many of them ourselves in the past. We want to know how people can enjoy them more…

Experiencing some Sexpo Virtual Reality

It took ourselves a while to settle into the space at Sexpo, to relax, be open and authentic. But we did and had a good (though after 33hrs, an exhausting) time.

We even tried out some V.R goggles for a surreal virtual sex experience, finding the technology a hoot.

We talked about sex

Our two talks on sexual healing went well. We had some great conversations with people. Sharing the exploration of sex as a wholistic experience, one that we still have much to learn about. Rather than being a fixed performance we have to get right.

Annette talked to some sex workers too. They were struggling with the idea that, as sex workers they are now being seen as empowered beings. Ones able to give their clients incredible experiences every time. Rather than as human beings just doing their job, with good days and some not so good days.

We were forced to ask ourselves some questions

It has made us wonder, where has the authenticity, aliveness, the freedom, the intimacy and not to mention the heart gone in sex??

Maybe it is just that as human beings we’ve been taught so well to numb out our innate sexual energy and put it in a box with a certain label. Perhaps our sexual conditioning doesn’t allow us to be seen having a good time in a public sexual environment? And maybe we don’t know how to enjoy our sexual feelings without having to express them in actual sex (which was illegal at the event)?

We know that the people who attend an event like Sexpo are a small percentage of the overall population, so what we experienced may not be representative of the majority of folk.

Sexpo lead us to ask:

Are people genuinely happy playing in superficial society, porn and technology induced sexual roles? Are we all afraid to seek the truth of our own core sexual energy? Has authentic sex become too scary and vulnerable, or just too unfamiliar?

And are we at Oztantra missing the point teaching sexuality that is alive, free, joyous, intimate and heart based?

Love is not only romance

When we talk about heart in sex here we’re not talking romance. We’re referring to the deeper power within our hearts with the capacity to uplift us beyond our limitations and show us who we truly are.

This power was reflected recently in the movie Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, when Freddie Mercury felt the call of his heart.

This call lead him to move away from his superficial sexual lifestyle and find the place in himself that felt truly like home, which he chose to share with a long term lover.

Authentic Sex

At Oztantra, we know there IS a place where sex can be authentic, vulnerable, free, deeply connecting and even exciting, without the pressure of performance.

And we’re unwilling to be seduced by what glitters alone.

We can enjoy and teach glitter, when it is based in gold.

At Oztantra, our aim is to keep looking for new ways to keep spreading the word about what is possible for all of us as sexual beings, to expand awareness of our unique awesomeness and potential in sex, in relationship and in life.

To give those who are looking for something outside the social norm a real alternative.

Ways like Annette’s upcoming online course for women called “The Opening”, and a Relationship App with daily insights and activity reminders based on our book ‘Coming Together’ that you can share, whether you’ve been in relationship for a short, or a very long time!

Kissing: The benefits will surprise you!

October 5, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

If you’ve been with your partner a while and kissing has taken a back seat in your loveplay…

We hope we can inspire you to pucker up your lips for a good smooching!

Remember those hours in the back seat of the car or some other hidden place as teenagers when the powerful feelings elicited by just kissing would feed your mind and body for days?

In the rush to get to the more overt moves available to us as adults in lovemaking we can forget the power of the beginning steps, and this is especially true of kissing.

Here are a few great reasons to get those lips moving:

Kissing makes your hormones react!

Kissing triggers your brain’s pleasure centres to release a cocktail of chemicals that leave you feeling ‘oh so good!’ These chemicals include oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin, which make you feel euphoric and encourage feelings of affection and help you bond with your partner.

The rush of oxytocin (the chemical linked to pair bonding) released when you kiss causes feelings of affection and attachment, especially important in long-term relationships.

In addition to boosting your happy hormones, kissing can reduce your cortisol levels — potentially reducing your stress levels and improving your feelings of self-worth. Kissing and other affectionate communication, like hugging and saying “I love you,” impact the physiological processes related to stress management and helps keep us calm. This is definitely enough reason alone to bring kissing back!

And surprising pathways open

Kissing increases your heart rate in a way that dilates your blood vessels. Increasing your blood flow in this way decreases in your blood pressure, meaning that kissing is good for the heart, literally and metaphorically. Blood vessel dilation can also help relieve headaches and menstrual cramps. So along with the boost that occurs in your feel good chemicals, kissing at these unlikely times might actually be good for you.

Romantic kissing leads to sexual arousal and is often the driving force behind your woman’s decision to have sex. The longer and more passionately you kiss, the more testosterone (one of the body’s sex hormones) gets released and the more aroused you can both become.

Kissing affects the muscles at the other end of a woman’s body too. Kissing helps her vaginal muscles relax, allowing her to become open and receptive. In fact, early midwives used to encourage husbands to snog their wives to assist in bringing reluctant babies into the world!

Kissing can also give you a facelift!

The act of kissing can involve anywhere from 2 to 34 facial muscles. Kissing often and using these muscles on the regular acts like a workout for your face and can also increase your collagen production, which contributes to firmer, younger-looking skin. That sounds like the best kind of facelift out!

So what is the best way to kiss?

Start with good oral hygiene. Kissing someone with a freshly cleaned mouth is much nicer than trying to dodge their bad breath. Use a breath mint or mouthwash if this is an issue for you. Better safe then sorry. (It you generally have good oral hygiene this is not so much of an issue, unless you’re a smoker, have a dry mouth or you’ve recently eaten something like garlic or onions).

Give kissing your total attention, rather than using it as a lead-in to what’s next. It can be a lead-in of course, but not if your head is somewhere else.

Start by looking your partner in the eye as you approach them, letting them know with your eyes how much you would like to kiss them and how good it’s going to feel for both of you.

Start tender and slow, slow.

Hold the side of their chin and stroke the opposite side of their face once or twice before honing in on their lips, as this helps their mind turn off and their body turn on.

Lick and tease their lips before moving in for the full on pash.

Give yourself permission to imagine the desire you want feel beginning in your own mouth, moving down into your body, for where your mind goes your energy follows.

Vary your moves and rhythm (but if it’s really working don’t change too quickly).

Allow one person then the other to lead the kiss, as we all love to be wanted.

Nibble top or/and bottom lips.

Remember to breathe as this helps spread the passion through your bodies.

Imagine the tingling of your genitals arising up into your mouth. You can enhance what you’re feeling by doing a few pc (pelvic floor) squeeze and releases as this further awakens your sexual pleasure.

Stroke your lover’s lips, teeth and tongue with your tongue.

Leave full on deep throat until the moment the passion’s rising and you’re both really getting in to it – for too much too soon (and too much too often) is a definite put-off. Think of deep tongue as your secret weapon and bring it out only when the moment is right- then it’s like- wow!

Try one person giving the kiss and the other keeping their mouth still and receptive, this can be totally divine. The giver takes their time to fully explore the other’s mouth, lips and tongue, with a little more face caressing for good measure. Don’t be afraid to let yourself receive in this way. It can feel so good to let go of control and be in the moment.

Tease and taste it all!

If you have resistance to kissing, or to being kissed, without making this wrong explore it.

Literally feel the resistance in your body, where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Breathe for a few moments here.

Avoid mentally thinking the answer and let your body surprise you with one.

Perhaps your heart is closed from past hurt?

You might have fear of opening up and getting closer?

You might need to talk about what your resistance means for you before going further.
And remember if your partner has resistance it’s about them, don’t make it about you and get in the way of their exploration, you might learn something you can work with.

If you discover things that are difficult to sort out don’t hesitate to give Annette or Graeme and call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here.

Even better you might like to attend our upcoming weekend workshop, Sexuality of the Heart, where we explore all things intimate in a safe and respectful but fun way.

« Previous Page