Have you ever recoiled from your lover’s touch because it was too much, too soon?
Or have you ever got bored waiting to be touched where you really, really want it?
This is not always your lover’s fault.
It’s about understanding each other’s bodies more accurately.
You’ve probably noticed that men’s and women’s bodies are different.
Even though they start life in utero exactly the same in baby girls’ and boys’ bodies.
Then at a few weeks old a nifty little thing called the ‘Y’ chromosome develops, causing the male genitals to shift to the outside (with occasional exceptions). This shift, along with the different hormonal framework in men and women, causes a difference in how they respond to touch.
Understanding this difference makes it much less confusing, and much more rewarding, to touch each other.
A Woman’s Body
In her body, woman’s sexuality works from the outside in, from her extremities to her genital centre, her yoni. She’s capable of a high level of energetic intensity and touching her from the outside in really pays off. It it isn’t her body will not only not awaken fully, it will turn right off.
When you touch a woman, to keep it simple, no matter where you’re touching her start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. This helps her feel safe enough to relax and open more deeply.
Imagine that she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are touched last.
– With her body start at the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes, and work your way to her centre.
– If you touch her breast, start at the outside and slowly make your way to its apex, the nipple.
– If you touch her sexual centre, her Yoni, start outside with her belly, inner thighs, pubic area and her perineum- these last two are important parts of her arousal system.
– If you move to her Yoni itself, start at the outer lips, then the inner lips (whether the inner lips are smaller or larger than the outer lips), then the clitoris. The clitoris and internal arousal tissues extend underneath these lips, so including them assists in her overall arousal.
– If you touch the inside, begin at the entrance, taking your time, and then move to the GSpot then eventually the cervix area.
– Vary your touch in pressure, speed and between stroking, massaging, tapping, licking and even holding it still.
Given time and proper awakening, a woman is capable of high states of bliss, where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one in her body, heart, mind and soul. A woman’s sexual energy is magnetic, attracting, and negative in polarity. Lovemaking transforms this negative energy into positive, which is why a woman often has an excess of energy after sex and wants to talk. When her energy is fully transformed, she feels whole in herself, and open to her lover but not needy of him. Her breathing deeply and exhaling through her mouth as she is being touched helps create this energetic shift.
Nb. There may be times when a woman doesn’t want a slow approach, it’s always best to check in with her desires first.
A Man’s Body
His sexuality works from the inside out, from his genitals to the rest of his body. When you touch a man’s body, start at his sexual centre, his Lingam.
A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straightforward like a microwave: give him two or three minutes and beep, beep, beep, he’s done. His ejaculatory orgasm is generally seen as the apex of his experience, with sex and love being completely separate. This is of course a gross misunderstanding. It’s merely the outcome of his conditioning, rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Given time, a man is capable of matching a woman’s sexual intensity, including her capacity for multiple orgasms (both with and without ejaculation). Given time he can meet her in her multi-dimensional sexuality too, that includes intimacy, emotion and spirituality.
Start at the man’s sex centre, then invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here. Beginning at his centre, he can relax and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments right at the end for his pleasure. (The one exception to this is beginning at his PSpot (his prostate gland) – he needs to warmup to this one!)
He can spread his pleasure by breathing deeply and exhaling out through his mouth, imagining as he does so that he is lifting his sexual energy up into his heart as he inhales, and is spreading it through the whole of his body as he exhales. Where the mind goes the energy follows.
Help him by keeping one hand on his Lingam and use the other (and the rest of your body) to stroke his pleasure outwards to his extremities. Do remember that his breasts and nipples are pathways to pleasure and heart opening just like a woman’s so don’t be afraid to give these some attention along the way.
Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in polarity. Lovemaking transforms his positive energy into negative, which is why it can be draining for him to discharge his energy and send him to sleep This is where Tantric-style lovemaking, where he moves his energy up and through his body first, is a more restorative pathway. It allows him to charge his body with positive energy and retain more of it when he ejaculates.
Connecting together
Though you might start in different places one way to connect both of you to your bodies at the same time is that while the man is pleasuring the woman, she can hold his Lingam, either in stillness or lightly stroking it. Using lubrication will help him to relax into her touch. Because this connects him with, and validates his sexual centre, he’ll be happy to touch and stroke her, taking all the time she desires. It’s also a great motivation for him to practise his energy spreading practices so he can enjoy for a long time.
She can just hold him, or occasionally lightly stroke him, without distracting her from her own experience. She can also benefit from feeling the rise of his sexual energy in his lingam and feel it echo in her own body’s response.
It’s a win win.
If you would like more details on how to touch each other contact Annette or Graeme here.
Little did I know how deeply I had buried my past in order to survive it. Even though part of me had somehow suspected it. I had unconsciously buried my past with the belief that I could do that and get away with it. My wheels fell off, I was confronted with nowhere to go, but to meet, clear out and own my cupboard.
We have had no choice but to practise the relationship skills we preach. We did so in order to come out stronger, happier and sexually connected! What we have learnt and bring into our work through Oztantra is unique, effective and f…g real!!!
attention.
limiting it is also shaming).
Despite what we see in porn it is normal in real life sex for erections to come and go (other than when you’ve come and gone for all money…) It’s NORMAL. Porn has put some unrealistic expectations out there, making it seem like erections need to be rock hard and constant. However, in porn the use of Viagra is rife, along with what are called “fluffers”, people employed to help get a male porn actors erection back when it drops and where, when erections are lost the filming is simply cut and edited to appear there is no pause. Making love is a real life event, and like nature, there are ebbs and flows within it. Especially when we stop performing and get more present and more real.
intensity and weight lifting kind), eat enough vegetables, drink plenty of water, minimize your sugar, smoking and alcohol intake? When was the last time you had a checkup with the Dr? Strong links have been found between men who don’t exercise, and who have high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes so rule these out or get them treated. Also some medications for high blood pressure, depression, pain relief and allergies can cause erectile problems so if this is you ask your Dr for a different kind of treatment. If you knew your cock depended on it, would you be willing to make some healthier lifestyle choices??
with your anger- express it, suppress it or be healthy in it? When was the last time you took time out for yourself or had a holiday? Are you doing a job you love or merely existing? What are you passionate about these days? When do you have fun? How do you see yourself as a man? All vital questions.
using sex to unconsciously release your emotional “stress”? Are you goal focussed, getting it up and heading straight for the end result before collapsing into sleep? Do you believe that having a long, strong erection is all your lover is looking for from you? Are you using porn to feed your desire with fantasy? Do you masturbate regularly with a “get it up and over and done with’ approach?vIf you’re doing any of these things it’s because of how you’ve been conditioned by society to go about it. Understand that each of these methods are going to take you away from a fully realized sexual potential (and a more powerful erection) and need to change. Slowing down, being less goal focussed, dropping porn for a few months, performing less and feeling more in yourself will change your experience of sex. Take more deep breaths. Be willing to be vulnerable, let your heart open. All things you might have wanted to avoid in the past but your body is telling now is the time…
One of the most common ways of managing a loss of or inconsistent erection is the use of Viagra. There is no doubt that Viagra will give you more of a reliable erection. However, if you focus on great sex being all around your erection then you’re missing a big part of what making love is all about. We have spoken at length elsewhere about men’s sexual potential and how having a deeper relationship with both your cock and your heart (remember the heart disease and erectile dysfunction link?) will enable you to build new life into your erections without the use of chemicals.
Give it a rest for a few minutes, relax and see if it comes back of its own accord. In the meantime spend the time connecting with your lover, either offering them your touch with your hands and/or tongue. After a while you can self pleasure to see if your erection wants to come back. Even better, just be in total stillness and deep breathe, connect with the inside of you. Notice any feelings that might be there and give yourself permission to feel them. If nothing is there experience nothing, in doing this nothing can subtly become something wonderful, as it gives time for our hearts to open and deeper levels of consciousness to be experienced. You can also become more aware of the finer feelings of sexual energy moving between you.
anus, under which your prostate, the seat of your male sexuality lives. This tension builds up so slowly over time that often you don’t even know it’s there. It can lead into a form of genital numbness directly affecting your sexual performance. So get into the habit of massaging these areas as part of your sexual health maintenance. Start gently if they’re painful, or more firmly if they’re numb to loosen and free up the tension here. Spread your legs, pull your knees up, turn your toes outward all help you to get in there. Using oil can be more effective and more comfortable. Massage oils, coconut, almond or even olive oils are fine. Invite your lover to massage you as part of your love play.
very own). Instead of telling it what to do try to listen to it for a change. Take your attention to it, hold it in your hands, breathe and really feel into it. It will let you know what it needs to release this blocked hurt. Often it just wants to be felt and heard.
