Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

We are Relationship Counselling Specialists, trauma, PTSD, Depression, anger

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Separating Orgasm and Ejaculation: How to

November 10, 2022 By Annette & Graeme 4 Comments

Have you heard about separating orgasm and ejaculation?

Maybe you’ve read about it.

Or perhaps you have experienced it in a spontaneous moment.

Without knowing how to do it again. Or even why you might want to.Lasting Longer

Almost all men orgasm and ejaculate together almost, all of the time.

It’s the primary urge that has helped sustain the survival of the human species.

Porn, being a visual medium, has helped sustain this dual focus. Ejaculation can be seen, pleasure cannot, or at least, not so easily.

Which leaves men thinking that the two aspects are one, yet this isn’t true.

How are orgasm and ejaculation different?

Orgasm is the delicious tingling feeling that rises, peaks and falls in a wave of pleasure.

Ejaculation is the release of semen, which can be pleasurable but isn’t an orgasm.

There is a rise of heat in the body that happens too.

And they can totally happen separately.

An ejaculation can happen without much pleasure.

And an orgasm- a peak of tingling, orgasmic pleasure, can happen without the release of semen.

Why is separating orgasm from ejaculation something worth cultivating?

There are two big reasons.

It helps you last longer in sex.

Plus, most men have a limited number of times they can ejaculate without draining themselves of their sexual energy. Or at least without some serious recovery time. Especially as they get older.

Energetically, it is not a good thing to drain yourself of too much sexual (life force) energy. It leaves you feeling depleted, less potent and less able to be present and motivated.

It also leaves you hooked into the need to ‘offload’ the burden of your sexual energy. Making this your primary sexual goal, instead of focussing on maximising your pleasure.

Whereas you can orgasm as many times as you like, without this draining effect. Leaving you feeling uplifted and energised instead. Especially if you have circulated your energy around your body a few times first.

So how do you go about separating orgasm and ejaculation?

(And just to be clear, we are not talking about a non ejaculatory orgasm here. This is where you injaculate your semen back into your bladder. We don’t recommend this practice)

The first step is to identify your pelvic floor muscles (the sling of muscles between your legs) and how to relax them. This is the opposite of what happens in an ejaculatory orgasm.

The best way to do this is to get curious about your orgasmic experience. Notice what is really going on in your body, don’t just lose yourself in your pleasure. What is really going on? Where are you tensing, relaxing, feeling etc.

Then try taking a pee with your hands behind your head. This is best done standing out on the back lawn last thing at night. Let all your urine drain out, noticing your pelvic floor muscles relaxing as you do so. Once you’ve finished, take a deep breath, exhale out of your mouth and let your muscles relax a little bit more.

It’s this feeling you need to cultivate as you get close to ejaculation.

It helps the need to ejaculate to drop away whilst keeping the energy in your body. You don’t lose it, it just shifts.

This is one of the many things men are conditioned not to know about their sexuality. There are many more.

Once you’ve learned to do this, you can then start to bring the energy back up by contracting and releasing your pelvic floor muscles. These contractions act as a pump, to activate the tingling pleasure of your orgasmic energy.

To further help identify your pelvic floor muscles correctly, try this. Stand with your toes pointed inwards as you contract and release. This position stops any other muscles in the area eg. your butt, from being activated as well.

Play between building and relaxing

With practice your pelvic floor muscles can activate endless amounts of orgasmic energy. Then you can play between building the energy up and relaxing it through the body. Notice how your body responds, get curious. You’ll find that you can feel pleasure whilst being relaxed. Without having to constantly build tension in your body to offload the ‘burden’ of your ejaculation. It can feel incredibly powerful too, to have this level of choice in your body.

When you choose to ejaculate, it will still be there, it may even be better. Just go back to how you would normally do so. The good thing is, when you do ejaculate, you won’t lose as much energy as you normally would. Take note of how you feel afterwards, do you feel different? It can take a little while to get used to feeling full of energy, rather than emptied out.

Start on your own

It’s great to do this in self pleasuring, as it can be too complicated to start in sex. It helps too, to place your other hand over your heart. Your hands are energy receptors and spreaders and will assist your sexual energy to stay in your body. Once this practice is familiar, you can bring it to your lovemaking.Coming Together Front Cover

And the good thing about separating orgasm from ejaculation is that you’re not constantly draining your energy, OR limiting your pleasure. You have the best of both worlds.

If you want more…

Check out our book on things sexuality, where we go in-depth into enhancing pleasure, lasting longer, multiple orgasms and more.

Men and Women Touch Differently

July 21, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Have you ever recoiled from your lover’s touch because it was too much, too soon?

Or have you ever got bored waiting to be touched where you really, really want it?

This is not always your lover’s fault.

It’s about understanding each other’s bodies more accurately.

You’ve probably noticed that men’s and women’s bodies are different.

Even though they start life in utero exactly the same in baby girls’ and boys’ bodies.

Then at a few weeks old a nifty little thing called the ‘Y’ chromosome develops, causing the male genitals to shift to the outside (with occasional exceptions). This shift, along with the different hormonal framework in men and women, causes a difference in how they respond to touch.

Understanding this difference makes it much less confusing, and much more rewarding, to touch each other.

A Woman’s Body

In her body, woman’s sexuality works from the outside in, from her extremities to her genital centre, her yoni. She’s capable of a high level of energetic intensity and touching her from the outside in really pays off. It it isn’t her body will not only not awaken fully, it will turn right off.

When you touch a woman, to keep it simple, no matter where you’re touching her start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. This helps her feel safe enough to relax and open more deeply.

Imagine that she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are touched last.

– With her body start at the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes, and work your way to her centre.

– If you touch her breast, start at the outside and slowly make your way to its apex, the nipple.

– If you touch her sexual centre, her Yoni, start outside with her belly, inner thighs, pubic area and her perineum- these last two are important parts of her arousal system.

– If you move to her Yoni itself, start at the outer lips, then the inner lips (whether the inner lips are smaller or larger than the outer lips), then the clitoris. The clitoris and internal arousal tissues extend underneath these lips, so including them assists in her overall arousal.

– If you touch the inside, begin at the entrance, taking your time, and then move to the GSpot then eventually the cervix area.

– Vary your touch in pressure, speed and between stroking, massaging, tapping, licking and even holding it still.

Given time and proper awakening, a woman is capable of high states of bliss, where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one in her body, heart, mind and soul. A woman’s sexual energy is magnetic, attracting, and negative in polarity. Lovemaking transforms this negative energy into positive, which is why a woman often has an excess of energy after sex and wants to talk. When her energy is fully transformed, she feels whole in herself, and open to her lover but not needy of him. Her breathing deeply and exhaling through her mouth as she is being touched helps create this energetic shift.

Nb. There may be times when a woman doesn’t want a slow approach, it’s always best to check in with her desires first.

A Man’s Body

His sexuality works from the inside out, from his genitals to the rest of his body. When you touch a man’s body, start at his sexual centre, his Lingam.

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straightforward like a microwave: give him two or three minutes and beep, beep, beep, he’s done. His ejaculatory orgasm is generally seen as the apex of his experience, with sex and love being completely separate. This is of course a gross misunderstanding. It’s merely the outcome of his conditioning, rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Given time, a man is capable of matching a woman’s sexual intensity, including her capacity for multiple orgasms (both with and without ejaculation). Given time he can meet her in her multi-dimensional sexuality too, that includes intimacy, emotion and spirituality.

Start at the man’s sex centre, then invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here. Beginning at his centre, he can relax and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments right at the end for his pleasure. (The one exception to this is beginning at his PSpot (his prostate gland) – he needs to warmup to this one!)

He can spread his pleasure by breathing deeply and exhaling out through his mouth, imagining as he does so that he is lifting his sexual energy up into his heart as he inhales, and is spreading it through the whole of his body as he exhales. Where the mind goes the energy follows.

Help him by keeping one hand on his Lingam and use the other (and the rest of your body) to stroke his pleasure outwards to his extremities. Do remember that his breasts and nipples are pathways to pleasure and heart opening just like a woman’s so don’t be afraid to give these some attention along the way.

Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in polarity. Lovemaking transforms his positive energy into negative, which is why it can be draining for him to discharge his energy and send him to sleep This is where Tantric-style lovemaking, where he moves his energy up and through his body first, is a more restorative pathway. It allows him to charge his body with positive energy and retain more of it when he ejaculates.

Connecting together

Though you might start in different places one way to connect both of you to your bodies at the same time is that while the man is pleasuring the woman, she can hold his Lingam, either in stillness or lightly stroking it. Using lubrication will help him to relax into her touch. Because this connects him with, and validates his sexual centre, he’ll be happy to touch and stroke her, taking all the time she desires. It’s also a great motivation for him to practise his energy spreading practices so he can enjoy for a long time.

She can just hold him, or occasionally lightly stroke him, without distracting her from her own experience. She can also benefit from feeling the rise of his sexual energy in his lingam and feel it echo in her own body’s response.

It’s a win win.

If you would like more details on how to touch each other contact Annette or Graeme here.

The World No Longer Belongs to Men as it Once Did

June 29, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

And that’s a good thing…

A few words from Graeme about healthy masculinity

There has been a lot of water pass under the bridge over the last 2 – 3 years for me. The same as for most with covid and its associated challenges. Along with some locally produced drama’s for us like the NSW floods.Graeme Sudholz

It has been a particularly challenging time for me, in dealing with my own deeply embedded and subconscious demons. I have been to hell, and back.

As a result of this clearing out of my cupboard, I deeply feel and believe that being male has also come under subtle and increasing pressure in recent times. This is reflected regularly and unprompted, in the conversations with men.

It is a Confusing Time to be a Male

My firm belief is that what is missing, to counter the negative labels being thrown around, is a distinct lack of healthy masculinity.

As men, we have a desperate lack of healthy role models, unless we have been lucky enough to have grown up around them. In the form of strong and loving fathers, uncles or friends.

So many sporting heroes, leaders and other so-called examples of male ideals have fallen over, or collapsed under the weight of their own shadows. Or at the very least, are having their shadowy underbellies exposed.

It is a confusing time to be male, with all the negative rhetoric being thrown around, and is easy to feel shame in being male. The media is constantly bombarding us with open ended labels like patriarchy, toxic masculinity, domestic violence and other ugly human behaviours.

I know I certainly feel this negative subtleness, as some of it is deserved, some of it misses the mark and some of it is just male bashing. Change is being called for.

Doing My Own Work

During these external challenges, I deliberately chose to step back from our work in Oztantra. I took a lower profile to enable me to focus on my own demons.

fighting the shadowLittle did I know how deeply I had buried my past in order to survive it. Even though part of me had somehow suspected it. I had unconsciously buried my past with the belief that I could do that and get away with it. My wheels fell off, I was confronted with nowhere to go, but to meet, clear out and own my cupboard.

It was confronting to see that I had no idea where or how to do it. This after quarter of a century of doing, learning and practising life skills.

I had given up.

Annette was deeply into her cupboard as well, as she has mentioned. It was full on time for both of us. With therapists and everything we could lay our hands on to not only survive, but thrive.

Coming Through

It never ceases to amaze me what is underneath relationship.

Especially the relationship we have with ourselves, that drives all others.

Annette was fully rising into more of her own power, something I found both a relief, and a challenge. vulnerability prevents body armouring causes sexual numbnessWe have had no choice but to practise the relationship skills we preach. We did so in order to come out stronger, happier and sexually connected! What we have learnt and bring into our work through Oztantra is unique, effective and f…g real!!!

As an adult, there is no doubt in my mind that, as a child, I had to do what I did to survive the pure horror, terror and trauma of my child hood. My biggest mistake was in under estimating what was living underneath. Therefore I believed I could carry on and ignore it.

As a now survivor of complex PTSD with all the associated trimmings that inevitably go with it, (depression, anxiety; relationship, intimacy and sexual challenges etc) I have achieved total remission. I had to step a long way into, and outside normal therapy to achieve this.

As part of my own cleansing I have written some of this on our website. It is not easy reading, and so is hidden 2 clicks in, behind embedded links. You’ll find it on the “About Graeme” page. Many people have told me that reading my story has given them trust in both me and the process. Although of course it may not be relevant for you as  everyone’s path is different.

Stepping Onto My Path RenewedAnnette and Graeme

What all this means, is that I am back on deck. With a clarity and sense of purpose I haven’t felt before. Though my past has cost me dearly, in all aspects of life, it has got me to where I am.

I am grateful for this and I am definitely not going to waste what I have so painfully learnt.

I now have a renewed and robust, loving relationship with Annette. As well as 3 grandkids- a very pleasant distraction and reminder that life goes on. And a renewed passion for my work, coming from a lighter, yet even more grounded place in me.

This is what I see men need to do to thrive in the future.

To look within and live from their own truth. Rather than living unconsciously from the old confines of unhealthy patriarchy, toxic masculinity and sexual shame.
Most men’s inner journey will not be as deep as mine, but it’s the place where their answers to both present and future lie.

Counselling/Coaching For Men

Counselling/Coaching for men will be a big part of my focus. It will develop into more refined aspects moving forward, particularly for men in relationship.

My focus with men includes their:

  • relationships
  • identity
  • sexuality (erection challenges, porn addiction)
  • dealing with trauma
  • depression
  • parenting challenges
  • workplace and business related issues.

Do you as a man, want some support?
Support to come through these changing times strong, alive, clear and motivated?

We can’t do it alone.

Call me on 0457 966696 or

Contact me for a free 15min chat to explore what I can offer you.

 

Relationship Breakdown, our National Tragedy

February 28, 2020 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Not Dealing With Relationship Breakdown

is

Our Hidden National Tragedy

Written For

https://intimaterelationships.com.au

Australians are reeling from the recent horrible & tragic consequences of a relationship breakdown in Brisbane, where a husband and father brutally murdered his wife and three small children, before stabbing himself to death.

There can never be an excuse for this kind of act.

Police had been involved

Prior to this horrific incident, police had been involved in this couples’ relationship breakdown, and had advised both of them to seek support regarding domestic violence and an ongoing dispute over child access.

Soon after this violent incident in Brisbane, an obviously distraught police investigator, who was involved at the scene of the crime, stated in a media interview:

 “Is this an issue of a woman suffering significant domestic violence and her and her children perishing at the hands of the husband, or is it an instance of a husband being driven too far by issues he’s suffered by certain circumstances into committing acts of this form?”

He has since been stood down for these remarks.

Listen to His Words..

What is happening to the system

What has happened to a system designed to support both the people (and  children) involved in a relationship breakdown in a fair, humane and equitable manner, or has the system itself become part of the problem?

My own personal experience of this system

My own personal experience of dealing with this system as a man back in 2000 pushed me to the edge, where I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I believe this recent incident has brought further to the surface, the ugly side of how the complex issues of relationship breakdown are poorly understood and handled.

Information available has limitations

In writing this article, I have spent many hours searching, reading and deciphering statistics, statistics and more statistics.

One thing from that search became very clear: relationship breakdown and domestic violence are not gender issues, but people issues.

Finding an accurate picture is still very difficult, when (according to the ABS2017, Australian Bureau of Statistics) 87% of women don’t report domestic violence to the police and neither do 97% of men.

The reliable statistics we do have come from hospitalisation, coroner and police reports. The ABS2017 itself comments that their available data is limited, and are broadening their survey questions in an attempt to capture more of this picture.

Male suicide is barely the tip of the iceberg

Beyondblue survey has found  Ambulance data indicates 30,197 attendances for men who attempted or had suicidal thoughts between 2015 – 16, yet hospital figures identified only @10,000.

“This study tells us that what we know about male suicide is just the tip of the iceberg”   Beyond Blue Chair, Julia Gillard.

According to ABS2017, relationship breakdown is the common denominator for both men and women in exposure to violence, with 39% of women and 35% of men experiencing partner violence after separation.

An unpalatable truth

Surely these statistics show a perhaps unpalatable truth in the current social and political climate: that BOTH gendered partners are equally capable of unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty, in the common and highly volatile fuelled up and emotionally charged state of relationship breakdown.

See this next Link about the 2017 tragedy in Cairns, were Raina Thaiday murdered eight children in her care, aged from 27 months to 14 years, 4 boys and 4 girls. Seven of these children were her own, and a niece.

Police are forced to act

In my work as a Relationship Counsellor, I have regularly spoken to members of the police force involved in the hands on aspect of relationship breakdown.

They say that often they’re taking the wrong person ie. the man, away in handcuffs, where it is obvious that both people have been involved in creating the situation.

Making domestic violence a purely gender issue, and heaping all the blame and responsibility onto men, is I believe, making a bad situation worse.

We have a people problem, rather than a gender problem.

With partner violence, a woman is murdered every 6 days and a male every 10 days, yet when all other family members are included, such as children and siblings, victim numbers become relatively even.

My own experience of relationship breakdown

As a partner and parent, I went through my own relationship breakdown in 2000.

I still struggle to put into words the lasting effects of the systematic cruelty I experienced simply because I was a male. I lost my kids, I went from being full time with them to being ‘granted’ 4 days a month.

I was devastated, I spoke up and was simply told “this is the best things for the kids.”

How could I argue with that?

I still have those lawyer letters…

Under this system, my feelings were used against me

My emotionality, the fact I had feelings was used against me,  I was devastated, deeply hurting and just plain lost didn’t matter.

My wife and her lawyer deemed I was unfit to have any increase in  custody and even threatened an intervention order if I breached any of the ‘list of rules’, such as driving onto the property to pick my kids up.

I was forced to park out on the road, hundreds of meters away.

My solicitor was blunt when she cautioned me my actions or reactions were teaching and influencing my kids in how man treats women.

I had nowhere to go

My hands were tied with nowhere to go, but to suck it up.
Something died in me during this time.

My sense of loss and helplessness was, and still is painful even 20 years later.

Prior to our separation, as our long-term marriage faltered, we sought help.

During our couples counselling, I had my first gob smacking exposure to this undercurrent of bigoted ignorance towards men.

Why wasn’t I asked the same question ?

Our young woman counsellor asked my wife if she had ever been hit, or had experienced any form physical abuse or violence from me, to which she said no.

The counsellor moved on and I interrupted her and asked why didn’t she ask me that same question?

She just looked at me, as if I had suddenly contracted a contagious disease, then continued to move on.

I interrupted her and said that I had been hit on several occasions by my wife and what did she have to say about that?

Without a pause, she continued on with her diatribe and I lost much interest in couples counselling, even though we did try several others with even less success.

Some therapists make better truck drivers

Looking back, I see it now as total incompetence in relationship counselling, and I believe some therapists would make better truck drivers.

I see too that poor therapy is very damaging and that having no therapy is safer than bad therapy.

This is an article from ABC on poor therapy

Decades later, this whole event still saddens me.

My 3 children were also hurting and confused at that time. They felt then, and still feel, that I had abandoned them.

I didn’t want to end up in police custody

At their age, I couldn’t tell them what was really happening.

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t see them simply because I was told by their mother and her lawyer that this is the way it is done.

And I didn’t say that any attempt by me to see more of them would most likely land me in police custody.

The local school could see what was happening, and suggested I come and sit with my children at school, especially my youngest.

My emotion was intense, my youngest just sat on my knee, clung to me and we both cried and cried. I only did this a couple of times, as it was too disruptive for everyone, including her class and teacher.

For me, losing access to my children, created in me a sense of powerlessness, overwhelm and pain that was and still is indescribable.

I am still shocked, decades later how cruel the system still is

I still shocked today, decades later, how heartless and inadequate our system was, and still is for vulnerable men who are hurting.

At no point during the first 18 months of separation was I given any credit or acknowledgement that I loved my kids or that I had a right to see them.

I was the token male whose sole function was purely for financial support and how dare I have feelings for my kids…

My access was measured and limited by financial reasons.

If I was allowed more than a certain number of days per year, the amount I paid would be reduced, which was determined by their mother and her lawyer.

My experience with the Family Law system was beyond belief, every step in this process took months and cost 000’s, with a greedy, heartless and extremely predatory legal system supporting it.

Meeting the Child Support Agency

After separation my ex’s legal genius advised her to remove all joint money and freeze all our bank accounts, in spite that I had agreed and supported her managing business accounts and finances.

On top of lost access, my cash and business accounts had gone or were frozen, despite having a business to run, to live plus child support to pay.

Now I just had to do it with no funds, business or other financial means.

I contacted the Child Support Agency explaining my situation.

They were very clear and stated that my next payment was due next week and they expected it to be made, otherwise there would be penalties.

There was no offer of support or guidance, just a simple threat “pay up or else, and it’s not our problem…”

That really pissed me off.

During the first 3-4 months of hell and indescribable agony of separation, I was slowly and steadily sliding into a deep dark hole.

I was in a bad way

I was unaware of my decline, I was in a bad way.

I remember a conversation at this time with my parents, about what was happening

They refused to believe it and declined to help me, stating that my ex “would never do a thing like that”.

I felt betrayed, I walked out and never had a conversation about that or much else with them again.

A few days later, I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I held my breath and was about to pull the trigger, when the family dog jumped into the front of my ute with me and broke that spell.

I ended up out on the ground, vomiting, and I think I must have blacked out, as when I came out of it the dog was lying beside me with its head resting on my chest.

I broke into tears at the sheer helplessness of my situation.

From that point, I started to climb out my black hole.

I rang Lifeline later that day and a friend was on duty and I spilled my story.

As a current and active Lifeline counsellor, I knew Lifeline was absolutely brilliant, it is free, confidential & 24/7 for any phone call.

Plus, they have one of the most comprehensive computerised data bases of all local services available for people in crisis, like me.

My friends at Lifeline knew something was happening in my life, and after that call, my support really kicked in.

From that moment in time, I threw myself into every kind of self-learning and personal development I could lay my hands on so I could do better than just survive.

Some of this learning happened on weekends.

My ex refused to swap these weekends with me so I missed out on several with my kids during this healing phase, her routine was more important than kids seeing their father.

This meant sometimes four, and at one point six weeks between visits, even though they lived locally.

I will never get that time back.

If I was successful in my ‘attempt’ to end it all, nobody would have known my agony or my reasons, and most likely my actions would have been put down to a ‘mental illness’.

Even today, only a handful of people know my story and how I felt during that time.

Man up

It’s as if “men don’t have feelings, so man up and get over it…”.

Even life long friends bailed out of my life during that time.

From my own personal experience with this systematic form of ignorance, cruelty and torture, I understand (but do not excuse) how men take their own lives or, God forbid, act out something much worse.

According to the Australia Brotherhood of Fathers , 21 men in Australia commit suicide each week as a result of relationship breakdown and our Family Law System.

Out of a total of  @ 2,700 Australian (ABS2017) men who suicide each year, that’s over 1000 lives annually, lost to systematic ignorance and cruelty.

Continuing a one sided approach in managing our national tragedy of relationship breakdown and domestic violence is clearly not working.

We have a people problem, not a gender problem..

 

 

 

 

Men: Improving Your Strike Rate

April 19, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Guys, could you do with more quality sex in your life?Improving your strike rate by not shooting yourself in the foot

If your answer is yes, improving your strike rate happens by avoiding the following bedroom blunders that will instantly shoot your desire in the foot. They’ll not only make the rejection you expect more likely, they’ll put sex on the back burner for your woman too.

It’s not because she doesn’t want you.

It’s because she’s made differently (as you might have noticed…)

We’ll show you what to do instead to hugely improve your strike rate in the bedroom (without the need for ball tampering…)

Common Bedroom blunders:

  1. Believing she doesn’t want you.

There will be times that this is true, this is just life and don’t take it personally. It’s that she’s stressed out, busy, tired, worrying about the kids or her friend or her ageing parents etc. Underneath all this she’s likely to want sex as much as you do and it’s important to remember it, as it makes it easier to correct No. 2.

2. Expecting her to make the first move.emotional problems lead to erection issues

Sure, she will sometimes be hot to trot and put the moves on you, but mostly she’ll be waiting for you to approach her. It’s just the way she’s made, she wants to be wanted as it validates her desirability and gives her confidence to step into her sexual power (just like you do really). So instead of waiting, step up and make the move.

3. Using a language that will push her away.

Men tend to think about sex itself as the goal, and along the way they get connected with their woman. She will come to sex wanting to feel connected with you. So, let your language reflect that you see this about her clearly. Instead of asking for sex make it personal, let her know you want ‘her’ not just sex.

4. Being covert to avoid rejectionman in mask

Because being rejected is so painful many men will allude to getting sex by making hints or jokes instead of asking for it outright. They’ll say something like “the kids are in bed early tonight so I’m in with a chance, am I?” Make your approach direct. Look her in the eye and ask straight up with a smile.

5. Wanting to fix her

It’s been said before, but we’ll say it again. Women mostly want you to just listen rather than to be fixed, so when she talks just listen. Don’t offer a solution unless she asks for one.

6. Not taking care of yourself

You might have noticed the guy with the beer gut and bald spot who still thinks he’s God’s gift to women, yet a woman who looks like Elle McPherson can be riddled with self doubt?

Don’t just take it for granted that you’re attractive, make the effort to at least have clean teeth, fresh breath, and a clean body. Take an interest in your physical wellbeing and keep as fit and healthy as you can.

7. Wanting to take

Men do this when they’re not connected to their hearts in sex. We don’t mean loving to your partner but being connected to your own heart, inside your body. To do this slow down, breathe deeply, put your attention on your body and what you’re feeling, especially around your heart. Doing this will help you make sex about sharing rather than taking, as women can smell this in a man and will pull back (unless she’s in the mood to ‘be taken’, then ravish her with all you’ve got). Remember her pleasure is as important as yours (as your pleasure is as important as hers). Take your time and go on a journey together, rather than just rush to the destination.

8. Neglecting non-sexual touch

It’s hard for a woman to stay present in her body, trying to do everything she’ll disappear into her head and not be aware of the sensual part of her. Feel your desire in your own body, don’t be afraid of it. This is why women love bad boys who carry lots of sexual energy front and centre- they make them feel. You don’t need to be like that, just let yourself feel your desire, relax into it by breathing deeply, then touch her from this place in you. Do so without the goal of immediate sex. Give her a kiss, a melting hug, stroke slowly along the back of her neck, shoulders or lower back to help her get into her body. Look into her eyes and caress her face for a moment, give her a kiss or a smile. Caress the sides of her breasts or hips, don’t go for her nipples, butt or her genitals, as this will shut her down if she’s not warmed up. Leave her wanting more. This is why women love bad guys- they make them feel.

9. Avoiding your truth

Challenge yourself to be honest about yourself and what you feel, rather than avoid difficult conversations and disappear into the office or the garage. Your woman can feel this strength and alignment in you and will be attracted to it (even if it may piss her off at times!). One of the things you need to be honest with ourself about is the fact that you’re not entitled to sex, nor can you expect your partner to give it to you. Sex is something you co create the conditions for it to happen in, taking this approach makes you more creative and frees up resistance in your partner.breaking open the heart

10. Fearing being rejected.

Men propose, women dispose. The way to deal with rejection is being willing to feel it. This might sound like a recipe for self-flagellation but it’s actually the opposite. The more you fear and resist rejection (which is a physical and emotional pain) the more intensely you feel it. Ironically, if you’re willing there is no wall for the rejection to cut through and hurt. Any rejection you do feel can be actively breathed through your body to release it. It sounds weird but it works. The more you practice this the less pressure your woman will feel from you allowing her to find her own desire and step closer.

 

See which ones might be true for you, take them out of your sexual repertoire and notice your sex life significantly (if not amazingly) improve!

And if you’d like any further assistance putting these tools into use call Annette & Graeme on 1800 TANTRA or email here for a chat.

 

 

Lingam Massage

February 8, 2018 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Lingam Massage.

It’s The Hottest Thing You Can Do For Your Man In Bed Tonight (and one that is good for you too!)

And all you need to grab for it, is a handful of oil or lubricant and your man…A Lingam Massage will open your man's heart

 

“I didn’t know how to feel, so I learned to touch” sings Leonard Cohen

 

This is true for so many men. Young boys feel just as much as girls, until they grow up conditioned by society to toughen up, “not be a pussy” or worst of all to “man up!”

In our work, we see that men DO feel, deeply and powerfully, in a way that is more of an internal experience rather than an external expression (anger and sex are the two exceptions here).

We see it in our work because the place where men are most motivated to risk feeling fully is in sex. The bonuses of him doing so pay off in many more ways than just the few seconds of his orgasm.

From not having permission to feel, and with his way of feeling made wrong, many men learn to perform and touch in sex, breaking open the heartrather feel, connect and open.

Rock His World

The simple but profound practice we’re offering today will give him the chance to do just that. In fact, it can help break his heart wide open! For the woman who loves him, if she’s looking for more ‘connection’ in their lovemaking this is a great place to find it. And as we said, it impacts on more than just the bedroom.

This practice can leave him happier and more connected to himself in the rest of his world too. The practice we’re referring to is Tantric Practice called a Lingam Massage (Lingam is the Tantric name for his penis or cock, but use whatever works for you. Many men enjoy knowing they have a light sabre between their legs, one that emits love and light, not just semen).

In preparation for writing this article we asked some men who’ve experienced it for their own words on the subject.

If there’s anything that will render a man poetic, it’s this place

One man described a Lingam massage as “joining all the dots of sex, intimacy and connection. It validated a very deep part of me and made me feel comfortable with myself in a whole new way. It may sound over the top, but for me it was life changing!”

Another mentioned finding “a place of spaciousness, a timeless experience of my authentic power that lies beyond the mind.”

Still another said “I found I was not only able to feel more but was able to open my heart to my partner and really receive her love.”

One said “I now see how much more I can be. I’m now able to fully love my beautiful wife as she deserves to be loved, and I feel deserving of hers.”

And last but not least this: “I found it powerful yet subtle. It was very pleasurable and enjoyable without the need to perform in any way. I could just open and experience what was happening in my body. It helped me remove shame and guilt around my sexuality and sexual desire. It also connected me to a deep, yet quiet, sense of myself and my own power.”

Letting Go of the Need to Perform

Lingam massage gives a man the chance to feel without having to perform, or give, in any way other than by being himself. It’s a rare and precious opportunity for him. One that will change his lovemaking forever as he relaxes into himself. He’ll learn what it is like to feel full bodied, heart connected pleasure. It’s likely that he’s never experienced himself in this way before.

The bonus for the woman who shares this practice with him can be life changing too. As helping him to feel himself this way ensures he will feel her more easily too…yummy for both the giver and receiver!

As this is not about performing, he doesn’t even need to get an erection. He may have the best erection of his life. If he doesn’t nothing is wrong, his body may just be profoundly relaxing. There is still much pleasure he can experience, as surprisingly he doesn’t require an erection to feel it! You both just need to let go of attachment to the idea that an erection is the only measure of his pleasure. Instead notice what else is going on and enjoy that.

Lingam Massage

Setting the Scene

  • Invite your man into the bedroom by letting him know you have a special treat for him, and that all he has to do is just relax!
  • Have him lie on his back with you sitting on a cushion facing him, with his butt in your lap and his throttle in your hot little hands. (You can rest your legs along either side of his chest). This is actually quite a vulnerable position for him to be in so be gentle and loving in how you approach him.
  • Invite him to rest his hands on your knees so he can feel connected to you but make sure he doesn’t caress you as this is about him receiving and feeling himself. If he’s doing he’s more likely to be outside of himself rather than connecting within.
  • Rest both hands over his genitals for a few moments and look him in the eyes whilst reassuring him all he has to do is breathe, relax and receive.
  • Move one had up to his heart and ask him to take a few deep breaths, exhaling out through his mouth.

Moving Into the Massage

  • Using a natural oil such as coconut or a long-lasting lubricant massage his genitals. Include the whole area- his lingam, inner thighs, pubic area, balls, ball sack, and his perineum (the area between his balls and his anus). Don’t be afraid to explore. Keep one hand stroking his lingam (or keep coming back to it) to keep his attention focussed.
  • If he’s particularly sensitive stroke gently, if he likes it more firmly then use more pressure, keep checking in with him how he likes it in each area.
  • Keep encouraging him to breathe deeply, exhaling at the back of his throat.
  • If his arousal starts to peak, pause your movements (but keep your hands on him) ask him to inhale and imagine he’s breathing his pleasure up to his heart. As he exhales he relaxes his pelvic floor muscles (the ones between his legs) and imagines his pleasure spreading through his body. This is called surfing the edge and will bring his arousal down enough for you to keep playing. It might take 3 or 4 breaths for his arousal to shift, you’ll know it’s working when his lingam softens slightly.
  • To help take his pleasure up to his heart, run your hand from his lingam up his belly to his heart. This gives his mind a concrete sensation to focus on. He may feel an ‘energetic block’ between his lingam and his heart, if he does trust this is real, invite him to keep relaxing, breathing his energy up and see what happens. With practice this block will dissolve or shift.

You Have his Heart in Your Hands

You might just be massaging his genitals yet in reality you’ve got his heart in your hands as well. Be fully present with him, allowing his heart to gently crack open a little each time. You keep him safe by being present, loving and connected.

Spend about an 30 mins to an hour here. Take your time, relax into the moment rather than seek any particular outcome.

You don’t need any specific techniques (if you know 2, you’ll know one more than him). Vary your speed, pressure, location (base, middle, tip) and make sure you keep lots of oil or lube up. If you don’t he’ll get sore, and this is not what you want!Self pleasuring is vital for men too

Mostly just put your love into your hands and eyes and invite him to drink it in. This is better than any fancy technique. And the more you’re in your own heart, the more you’ll give him permission to feel his…

Keep His Attention on Himself

Keep his attention on what he’s feeling inside himself, whatever it is. Ask him about what he is feeling occasionally. He may not even have any words for it as yet (he’s probably never been asked to explain it before!).  He may be feeling heat, tingling, desire, pleasure, pressure, softening, connection, opening, expansion.

As you massage remember to breathe yourself, as this keeps your energy flowing and you relaxed too. Enjoy the feeling of having your man allowing you into his most vulnerable of places. Validate him for going there and keep your words to those of love and encouragement. As you imagine you would most like to receive if you were in his position.

Pleasure Can be Separate to an Erection

If your man happens to not get an erection there is nothing wrong. It just means he has some shame, fear or anger being activated for healing. Keep stroking with love and invite your man to stay present in his body and to keep breathing. He might like to rock his hips backwards and forwards as you stroke, this can help shift the emotion.

Be open to whatever happens.

As we said, you might just be massaging his genitals but it is so much more. Such is the power of this practice it can open up all sorts of previously undiscovered places and feelings in a man. One of which will definitely be enormous gratitude!

Getting him used to feeling, and being safe in it, will increase your man’s desire to take his time in lovemaking. To trust opening his heart and to trust you in the process- serious gifts for any relationship!

This practice is the beginning of a man experiencing full bodied pleasure and lasting longer. It is also the path to non ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms. So it’s worth doing regularly and his experience will be different each time. As his lovemaking will become.

If you like this practice and would like to explore further consider bringing in some sexual healing as outlined here on our Sexual Healing page

Despite his conditioning, a man hugely benefits from the chance to explore his ability to feel.  Especially when it comes to the bedroom and it in no way makes him less manly. Rather, it makes him just the opposite!

We respectfully teach Lingam Massage in our Couples Retreats and, where helpful in our Couples Sessions!

If you have any questions about this practice please don’t hesitate to contact us.

Getting to know the stranger

January 25, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Listening with curiosity rather than judgement…

It’s human nature to get into habits…

And these habits are also a way of avoiding  living constantly in the unfamiliar, which can be highly stressful for some…

In relationship, habits can work both for and against us.

Creating habits does work for us in the building of unique little rituals only we share, creating feelings of connection.

Some habits can also work against us, in creating and allowing  unhealthy relationship patterns, such as taking our partners for granted.

Habits like taking our partners for granted can be a fast track to relationship boredom and dissatisfaction.

Here is how it can happen, and that it is also possible to learn embodied listening with curiosity as a way out of  boredom and  into fascination.

In new relationship there seems to be so much to talk about.

In the bubble of new love you’re completely fascinated by each other, literally hanging on each other’s words.

You’re fully engaged in the moment with them, hours seem to disappear, making time seem meaningless.

If you think back on it, you were probably not only hearing their words you also noticed their facial expressions, the nuances of their body language, subliminal messaging and even their tone of voice.

Your own body was involved in the conversation as well, feeling tinglings of excitement, an openness and an aliveness that felt totally engaging.

But after a while it begins to seem as if you’ve heard it all before.

You assume there’s nothing new coming and your interest level wanes.

It becomes easier to check out the TV, Facebook or your emails rather than give your partner your full disconnected coupleattention.

You believe you know what this once fascinating person is going to say before they even open their mouths and quickly start to tune out and think of other things.

It’s the same thing with your own sharings, you think they’ve heard you all before, that they’ll be assuming they know it all and that you will have little new to say.

Sharing becomes a bore and you wonder where has the spark gone?

But the spark hasn’t really disappeared, it’s just that where you’re coming from in your listening isn’t creating or allowing the spark to ignite.

You’re listening to your significant other from your intellectual self, where your judgements and assumptions come easily.

Are you judging your partner based on the past rather than experiencing them fully in the now, as you used to do ?

Are you assuming you know what the other’s talking,  rather than actually listening to what they are trying to communicate?

This becomes an assumption that you know everything about who the other person is, and listening to answer, rather than listening to actually hear and feel into what they trying to communicate.

You might actually know who they’ve been, but you don’t know who they’re being right now if you’re not truly listening, and miss out on seeing their growth and change.

And you’ll miss who they’re becoming as it hasn’t happened yet.

Don’t you want to be there to find out?

The information they’re sharing may be the same as they (or you) have shared before.

But this person has lived more of their life since the last time they shared and their life experience makes the different.

They may be in a different space emotionally or energetically.

Don’t just listen to the story and assume you know all about it, and therefore all about them (which is not only Creating Safety in Intimacylimiting it is also shaming).

Do yourself a favour and see your spouse in this moment as a whole new being you’ve never met before.

Do all those things you used to do without thinking, put all of your attention onto who they are being right now, observe rather than judge, listen with your body, listen with your heart rather than your head, feel into them as well as hear them.

Ask open questions, inviting more of them to emerge..

Ask opening questions that invite deeper sharing such as ‘how was that for you?’ or ‘can you tell me more about that?’

This spark of curiosity in you allows previously unforseen questions to arise in you so you can ask them.

All this extra information will be totally new and interesting as it has never happened before in exactly this way.

The same is true for you, you’re different from the person you were when you last heard this information. What is it that you are noticing in yourself?

Relationships are either growing or dying

One of the things that stops us from fully seeing or listening with our whole self is that we may feel uncomfortable or have fear over what we may find.

We may hear our partner’s pain, feel their walls or maybe their lack of presence with us.

We’re tempted to make this about us but the skill is in seeing that where they’re at is about them.

How we perceive them is about us.

If you can separate yourself from them and hear, see and feel them as a multi layered, unique being at this particular moment in their own world, having their own experience from a place of curiosity you will find a fascination that never leaves.

Offering our presence in this way can allow our significant other to share more openly as well.

There’s nothing like an engaged, available listener to inspire a person to new heights.

After all, isn’t that what used to happen?

Your partner will feel seen, heard and even loved, unconsciously inviting the same from them.

Yet this is about being curious for ourselves, to create our own satisfying relationship experiences rather than expecting anything in return, for expectations deny possibilities.

Practice: Experience your next conversation with your partner as above rather than just listening with your intellect and see what happens!

Erection Problems

July 12, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Your erections have been the one thing in life you’ve always been able to rely on…

The part of you that always rises to the occasion no matter what.Erection probelms

Except for the very rare night when you might have had way too much to drink… they’ve even shown up when you didn’t particularly want them to, walking past a cute girl on school sports day in your speedos or for absolutely no reason at all at the dinner table… Now, all of a sudden in your 50’s, or maybe even in your 40’s you’re starting to notice a troubling new trend. Orgasm takes longer to reach, erections take longer to arrive or are less reliable. Sometimes, occasionally, in fact not very often but often enough to be a concern, your erection has chosen not to show up. Your lover’s been very understanding but you find it highly embarrassing just the same. If you think about it you realize it’s been awhile since you last woke in the night with a nice, strong “woody”. Perhaps masturbating has become less frequent and more porn dependent. Fears of erection problems are looming for the first time. We show you what you can do about them.

So what’s going on here? Many things actually. The main thing is to realize is that your body is talking to you and you’d better stop and listen or these gentle hints it’s giving you will become a baseball bat and eventually a Mack truck!

Erections Do Come & Go

erection problemsDespite what we see in porn it is normal in real life sex for erections to come and go (other than when you’ve come and gone for all money…) It’s NORMAL. Porn has put some unrealistic expectations out there, making it seem like erections need to be rock hard and constant. However, in porn the use of Viagra is rife, along with what are called “fluffers”, people employed to help get a male porn actors erection back when it drops and where, when erections are lost the filming is simply cut and edited to appear there is no pause. Making love is a real life event, and like nature, there are ebbs and flows within it. Especially when we stop performing and get more present and more real.

If it’s more than just having a down moment…

Let’s take a look at what could be happening. And remember that underlying all the possible causes we’ll discuss is the fact that your erections are created from your sexual or life force energy. Yes, we understand it is about the amount of blood filling your penis, the health of your blood vessels, the nervous system involved etc. But underneath all this lies your energetic wellbeing, the part of you that fires your passion, motivation, your sense of masculine self and your YES to life.

How is Your Physical Health?

The first thing to look at is your overall health. You’re no longer Mr Indestructible and your cock is one of the first parts of your body to be affected so listen to the messages it’s giving you. How fit are you? Do you get regular exercise (especially of the high unhealthy man leads to erection problemsintensity and weight lifting kind), eat enough vegetables, drink plenty of water, minimize your sugar, smoking and alcohol intake? When was the last time you had a checkup with the Dr? Strong links have been found between men who don’t exercise, and who have high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes so rule these out or get them treated. Also some medications for high blood pressure, depression, pain relief and allergies can cause erectile problems so if this is you ask your Dr for a different kind of treatment. If you knew your cock depended on it, would you be willing to make some healthier lifestyle choices??

Male menopause: more Drs are now accepting that whilst men don’t go through the same clearly defined process of menopause as women do, they definitely experience a slow reducing of their testosterone levels, beginning around 45-50 and peaking around the age of 70yrs. Symptoms of low testosterone are reduced libido, fatigue, weakness and depression. Testosterone injections can help reduce these.

Also review your emotional wellbeing.

How are your stress levels and how do you manage them? Do you find yourself frequently angry or anxious? What do you do emotional problems lead to erection issueswith your anger- express it, suppress it or be healthy in it? When was the last time you took time out for yourself or had a holiday? Are you doing a job you love or merely existing? What are you passionate about these days? When do you have fun? How do you see yourself as a man? All vital questions.

How is your relationship with your partner? Do you feel in a good place, a bit disconnected or is there a growing gap between you with unresolved issues simmering along under the surface? Do you have unexpressed resentment toward them? Take a risk and talk about them. Many more relationships die from a lack of argument than from too much. It may get messy at first but at least you can look for a solution.

And importantly, take a look at your sex life.

What kind of sex are you having? Are you still trying to have sex the same way at 50 that you were at 20? All hot and horny, Touch can be the beginning in Tantrausing sex to unconsciously release your emotional “stress”? Are you goal focussed, getting it up and heading straight for the end result before collapsing into sleep? Do you believe that having a long, strong erection is all your lover is looking for from you? Are you using porn to feed your desire with fantasy? Do you masturbate regularly with a “get it up and over and done with’ approach?vIf you’re doing any of these things it’s because of how you’ve been conditioned by society to go about it. Understand that each of these methods are going to take you away from a fully realized sexual potential (and a more powerful erection) and need to change. Slowing down, being less goal focussed, dropping porn for a few months, performing less and feeling more in yourself will change your experience of sex. Take more deep breaths. Be willing to be vulnerable, let your heart open. All things you might have wanted to avoid in the past but your body is telling now is the time…

The Obvious Solution

Blue pills for female desire and arousalOne of the most common ways of managing a loss of or inconsistent erection is the use of Viagra. There is no doubt that Viagra will give you more of a reliable erection. However, if you focus on great sex being all around your erection then you’re missing a big part of what making love is all about. We have spoken at length elsewhere about men’s sexual potential and how having a deeper relationship with both your cock and your heart (remember the heart disease and erectile dysfunction link?) will enable you to build new life into your erections without the use of chemicals.

There are occasions where Viagra is a viable solution for serious erectile issues related to disease development such a diabetes and prostate cancer. We just suggest you just don’t make it your first, or only, port of call…

So the next time your penis goes soft don’t panic

Don’t judge the poor thing.

Man in mudGive it a rest for a few minutes, relax and see if it comes back of its own accord. In the meantime spend the time connecting with your lover, either offering them your touch with your hands and/or tongue. After a while you can self pleasure to see if your erection wants to come back. Even better, just be in total stillness and deep breathe, connect with the inside of you. Notice any feelings that might be there and give yourself permission to feel them. If nothing is there experience nothing, in doing this nothing can subtly become something wonderful, as it gives time for our hearts to open and deeper levels of consciousness to be experienced. You can also become more aware of the finer feelings of sexual energy moving between you.

Lingam Massage can help

One of the underlying factors in penis performance is a build up of tension around your genitals from long standing habits of tensing up, hard thrusting in sex and sitting a lot. What this does is that it builds tension in the sexual muscles, most notably your inner thighs, lower belly, groin and especially in your perineum. Your perineum is the area between your balls and yourmale genitalia drawing anus, under which your prostate, the seat of your male sexuality lives. This tension builds up so slowly over time that often you don’t even know it’s there. It can lead into a form of genital numbness directly affecting your sexual performance.  So get into the habit of massaging these areas as part of your sexual health maintenance.  Start gently if they’re painful, or more firmly if they’re numb to loosen and free up the tension here.  Spread your legs, pull your knees up, turn your toes outward all help you to get in there. Using oil can be more effective and more comfortable. Massage oils, coconut, almond or even olive oils are fine. Invite your lover to massage you as part of your love play.

Connect with your Cock

Underlying the muscular tension in your genitals is any emotional tension you are carrying in your genitals. Believe it or not, residues of unexpressed feelings about unsatisfying sex, sexual rejection (and we’ve all been there!), your anger at women, inadequacies or shame about how you see yourself as a sexual male, or even just as a male, all live in the tissues of your genitals. This blocked emotional tension, just like the physical tension will directly impact on your cock’s desire to rise to the occasion. The way to release it is to take the time to connect with your cock’s innate intelligence (yes, it has an intuitive intelligence of its downloadvery own). Instead of telling it what to do try to listen to it for a change. Take your attention to it, hold it in your hands, breathe and really feel into it. It will let you know what it needs to release this blocked hurt. Often it just wants to be felt and heard.

Know that An Erection Doesn’t Equal Pleasure

Believe it or not, your sexual pleasure does not rely on you having an erection. Only your conditioning makes you think it does. You can have a rock hard erection and feel very little. Alternatively, you can experience full body pleasure and orgasm without ANY erection at all. All you need to do is expand your mind to the possibility, to breathe more consciously and more deeply and touch yourself (and invite your lover too) all over in a variety of ways- soft, firm, slow, fast, slap, tickle, scratch, just holding still, play and experiment. Allow yourself to soften and open.

Some men post prostate surgery say they are having the best sex of their lives as it’s helped them step out of their familiar box they’ve had sex in.

Take a risk and see what you find. Your cock (or ‘lingam’ as we call it in Tantra speak, aka your wand of enlightenment) is leading the way.

 

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CONTACT US:

Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

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