Have you heard about separating orgasm and ejaculation?

Maybe you’ve read about it.

Or perhaps you have experienced it in a spontaneous moment.

Without knowing how to do it again. Or even why you might want to.

Almost all men orgasm and ejaculate together almost, all of the time.

It’s the primary urge that has helped sustain the survival of the human species.

Porn, being a visual medium, has helped sustain this dual focus. Ejaculation can be seen, pleasure cannot, or at least, not so easily.

Which leaves men thinking that the two aspects are one, yet this isn’t true.

How are orgasm and ejaculation different?

Orgasm is the delicious tingling feeling that rises, peaks and falls in a wave of pleasure.

Ejaculation is the release of semen, which can be pleasurable but isn’t an orgasm.

There is a rise of heat in the body that happens too.

And they can totally happen separately.

An ejaculation can happen without much pleasure.

And an orgasm- a peak of tingling, orgasmic pleasure, can happen without the release of semen.

Why is separating orgasm from ejaculation something worth cultivating?

There are two big reasons.

It helps you last longer in sex.

Plus, most men have a limited number of times they can ejaculate without draining themselves of their sexual energy. Or at least without some serious recovery time. Especially as they get older.

Energetically, it is not a good thing to drain yourself of too much sexual (life force) energy. It leaves you feeling depleted, less potent and less able to be present and motivated.

It also leaves you hooked into the need to ‘offload’ the burden of your sexual energy. Making this your primary sexual goal, instead of focussing on maximising your pleasure.

Whereas you can orgasm as many times as you like, without this draining effect. Leaving you feeling uplifted and energised instead. Especially if you have circulated your energy around your body a few times first.

So how do you go about separating orgasm and ejaculation?

(And just to be clear, we are not talking about a non ejaculatory orgasm here. This is where you injaculate your semen back into your bladder. We don’t recommend this practice)

The first step is to identify your pelvic floor muscles (the sling of muscles between your legs) and how to relax them. This is the opposite of what happens in an ejaculatory orgasm.

The best way to do this is to get curious about your orgasmic experience. Notice what is really going on in your body, don’t just lose yourself in your pleasure. What is really going on? Where are you tensing, relaxing, feeling etc.

Then try taking a pee with your hands behind your head. This is best done standing out on the back lawn last thing at night. Let all your urine drain out, noticing your pelvic floor muscles relaxing as you do so. Once you’ve finished, take a deep breath, exhale out of your mouth and let your muscles relax a little bit more.

It’s this feeling you need to cultivate as you get close to ejaculation.

It helps the need to ejaculate to drop away whilst keeping the energy in your body. You don’t lose it, it just shifts.

This is one of the many things men are conditioned not to know about their sexuality. There are many more.

Once you’ve learned to do this, you can then start to bring the energy back up by contracting and releasing your pelvic floor muscles. These contractions act as a pump, to activate the tingling pleasure of your orgasmic energy.

To further help identify your pelvic floor muscles correctly, try this. Stand with your toes pointed inwards as you contract and release. This position stops any other muscles in the area eg. your butt, from being activated as well.

Play between building and relaxing

With practice your pelvic floor muscles can activate endless amounts of orgasmic energy. Then you can play between building the energy up and relaxing it through the body. Notice how your body responds, get curious. You’ll find that you can feel pleasure whilst being relaxed. Without having to constantly build tension in your body to offload the ‘burden’ of your ejaculation. It can feel incredibly powerful too, to have this level of choice in your body.

When you choose to ejaculate, it will still be there, it may even be better. Just go back to how you would normally do so. The good thing is, when you do ejaculate, you won’t lose as much energy as you normally would. Take note of how you feel afterwards, do you feel different? It can take a little while to get used to feeling full of energy, rather than emptied out.

Start on your own

It’s great to do this in self pleasuring, as it can be too complicated to start in sex. It helps too, to place your other hand over your heart. Your hands are energy receptors and spreaders and will assist your sexual energy to stay in your body. Once this practice is familiar, you can bring it to your lovemaking.

And the good thing about separating orgasm from ejaculation is that you’re not constantly draining your energy, OR limiting your pleasure. You have the best of both worlds.

If you want more…

Check out our book on things sexuality, where we go in-depth into enhancing pleasure, lasting longer, multiple orgasms and more.

Your erections have been the one thing in life you’ve always been able to rely on…

The part of you that always rises to the occasion no matter what.

Except for the very rare night when you might have had way too much to drink… they’ve even shown up when you didn’t particularly want them to, walking past a cute girl on school sports day in your speedos or for absolutely no reason at all at the dinner table… Now, all of a sudden in your 50’s, or maybe even in your 40’s you’re starting to notice a troubling new trend. Orgasm takes longer to reach, erections take longer to arrive or are less reliable. Sometimes, occasionally, in fact not very often but often enough to be a concern, your erection has chosen not to show up. Your lover’s been very understanding but you find it highly embarrassing just the same. If you think about it you realize it’s been awhile since you last woke in the night with a nice, strong “woody”. Perhaps masturbating has become less frequent and more porn dependent. Fears of erection problems are looming for the first time. We show you what you can do about them.

So what’s going on here? Many things actually. The main thing is to realize is that your body is talking to you and you’d better stop and listen or these gentle hints it’s giving you will become a baseball bat and eventually a Mack truck!

Erections Do Come & Go

Despite what we see in porn it is normal in real life sex for erections to come and go (other than when you’ve come and gone for all money…) It’s NORMAL. Porn has put some unrealistic expectations out there, making it seem like erections need to be rock hard and constant. However, in porn the use of Viagra is rife, along with what are called “fluffers”, people employed to help get a male porn actors erection back when it drops and where, when erections are lost the filming is simply cut and edited to appear there is no pause. Making love is a real life event, and like nature, there are ebbs and flows within it. Especially when we stop performing and get more present and more real.

If it’s more than just having a down moment…

Let’s take a look at what could be happening. And remember that underlying all the possible causes we’ll discuss is the fact that your erections are created from your sexual or life force energy. Yes, we understand it is about the amount of blood filling your penis, the health of your blood vessels, the nervous system involved etc. But underneath all this lies your energetic wellbeing, the part of you that fires your passion, motivation, your sense of masculine self and your YES to life.

How is Your Physical Health?

The first thing to look at is your overall health. You’re no longer Mr Indestructible and your cock is one of the first parts of your body to be affected so listen to the messages it’s giving you. How fit are you? Do you get regular exercise (especially of the high intensity and weight lifting kind), eat enough vegetables, drink plenty of water, minimize your sugar, smoking and alcohol intake? When was the last time you had a checkup with the Dr? Strong links have been found between men who don’t exercise, and who have high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes so rule these out or get them treated. Also some medications for high blood pressure, depression, pain relief and allergies can cause erectile problems so if this is you ask your Dr for a different kind of treatment. If you knew your cock depended on it, would you be willing to make some healthier lifestyle choices??

Male menopause: more Drs are now accepting that whilst men don’t go through the same clearly defined process of menopause as women do, they definitely experience a slow reducing of their testosterone levels, beginning around 45-50 and peaking around the age of 70yrs. Symptoms of low testosterone are reduced libido, fatigue, weakness and depression. Testosterone injections can help reduce these.

Also review your emotional wellbeing.

How are your stress levels and how do you manage them? Do you find yourself frequently angry or anxious? What do you do with your anger- express it, suppress it or be healthy in it? When was the last time you took time out for yourself or had a holiday? Are you doing a job you love or merely existing? What are you passionate about these days? When do you have fun? How do you see yourself as a man? All vital questions.

How is your relationship with your partner? Do you feel in a good place, a bit disconnected or is there a growing gap between you with unresolved issues simmering along under the surface? Do you have unexpressed resentment toward them? Take a risk and talk about them. Many more relationships die from a lack of argument than from too much. It may get messy at first but at least you can look for a solution.

And importantly, take a look at your sex life.

What kind of sex are you having? Are you still trying to have sex the same way at 50 that you were at 20? All hot and horny, using sex to unconsciously release your emotional “stress”? Are you goal focussed, getting it up and heading straight for the end result before collapsing into sleep? Do you believe that having a long, strong erection is all your lover is looking for from you? Are you using porn to feed your desire with fantasy? Do you masturbate regularly with a “get it up and over and done with’ approach?vIf you’re doing any of these things it’s because of how you’ve been conditioned by society to go about it. Understand that each of these methods are going to take you away from a fully realized sexual potential (and a more powerful erection) and need to change. Slowing down, being less goal focussed, dropping porn for a few months, performing less and feeling more in yourself will change your experience of sex. Take more deep breaths. Be willing to be vulnerable, let your heart open. All things you might have wanted to avoid in the past but your body is telling now is the time…

The Obvious Solution

One of the most common ways of managing a loss of or inconsistent erection is the use of Viagra. There is no doubt that Viagra will give you more of a reliable erection. However, if you focus on great sex being all around your erection then you’re missing a big part of what making love is all about. We have spoken at length elsewhere about men’s sexual potential and how having a deeper relationship with both your cock and your heart (remember the heart disease and erectile dysfunction link?) will enable you to build new life into your erections without the use of chemicals.

There are occasions where Viagra is a viable solution for serious erectile issues related to disease development such a diabetes and prostate cancer. We just suggest you just don’t make it your first, or only, port of call…

So the next time your penis goes soft don’t panic

Don’t judge the poor thing.

Give it a rest for a few minutes, relax and see if it comes back of its own accord. In the meantime spend the time connecting with your lover, either offering them your touch with your hands and/or tongue. After a while you can self pleasure to see if your erection wants to come back. Even better, just be in total stillness and deep breathe, connect with the inside of you. Notice any feelings that might be there and give yourself permission to feel them. If nothing is there experience nothing, in doing this nothing can subtly become something wonderful, as it gives time for our hearts to open and deeper levels of consciousness to be experienced. You can also become more aware of the finer feelings of sexual energy moving between you.

Lingam Massage can help

One of the underlying factors in penis performance is a build up of tension around your genitals from long standing habits of tensing up, hard thrusting in sex and sitting a lot. What this does is that it builds tension in the sexual muscles, most notably your inner thighs, lower belly, groin and especially in your perineum. Your perineum is the area between your balls and your anus, under which your prostate, the seat of your male sexuality lives. This tension builds up so slowly over time that often you don’t even know it’s there. It can lead into a form of genital numbness directly affecting your sexual performance.  So get into the habit of massaging these areas as part of your sexual health maintenance.  Start gently if they’re painful, or more firmly if they’re numb to loosen and free up the tension here.  Spread your legs, pull your knees up, turn your toes outward all help you to get in there. Using oil can be more effective and more comfortable. Massage oils, coconut, almond or even olive oils are fine. Invite your lover to massage you as part of your love play.

Connect with your Cock

Underlying the muscular tension in your genitals is any emotional tension you are carrying in your genitals. Believe it or not, residues of unexpressed feelings about unsatisfying sex, sexual rejection (and we’ve all been there!), your anger at women, inadequacies or shame about how you see yourself as a sexual male, or even just as a male, all live in the tissues of your genitals. This blocked emotional tension, just like the physical tension will directly impact on your cock’s desire to rise to the occasion. The way to release it is to take the time to connect with your cock’s innate intelligence (yes, it has an intuitive intelligence of its very own). Instead of telling it what to do try to listen to it for a change. Take your attention to it, hold it in your hands, breathe and really feel into it. It will let you know what it needs to release this blocked hurt. Often it just wants to be felt and heard.

Know that An Erection Doesn’t Equal Pleasure

Believe it or not, your sexual pleasure does not rely on you having an erection. Only your conditioning makes you think it does. You can have a rock hard erection and feel very little. Alternatively, you can experience full body pleasure and orgasm without ANY erection at all. All you need to do is expand your mind to the possibility, to breathe more consciously and more deeply and touch yourself (and invite your lover too) all over in a variety of ways- soft, firm, slow, fast, slap, tickle, scratch, just holding still, play and experiment. Allow yourself to soften and open.

Some men post prostate surgery say they are having the best sex of their lives as it’s helped them step out of their familiar box they’ve had sex in.

Take a risk and see what you find. Your cock (or ‘lingam’ as we call it in Tantra speak, aka your wand of enlightenment) is leading the way.