Understanding Female Desire & Arousal
Are you one of the many women now reporting a low level of desire for sex? And how is it impacting on your sex life and your sense of self? Is there a part of you that just wishes you could take a little blue pill and have all your sexual needs fulfilled? Female desire and arousal is a complex subject.
Recently Sprout Pharmaceuticals resubmitted its (twice already rejected) drug Flibanserin to U.S. Food and Drug 
Administration for approval. Flibanserin is a drug intended to treat the disease of low sexual desire in women. But is the problem of low sexual desire really a true disease classification or is it simply pathologizing a variation of normal, perhaps even just a lack of understanding what is possible? The ‘disease’ of low sexual desire was originally classified as ‘a lack of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity’ ie. thoughts of sex leading to arousal that motivates the person to pursue satisfaction. This very limited view largely based on the male experience has now been broadened to include female desire and arousal- the difference between sexual interest and physical arousal, where a woman may not feel hungry for or interested in sex but this does not mean she is incapable of becoming aroused given the right situation.
There so much more to a woman’s sexuality than just fantasy, desire and horniness it is no wonder we get confused 
at times. We have generations of social conditioning telling us to push down those thoughts or feelings as ‘wrong’ for good girls. Yet if we look at ‘hot’ romance novels or the success of the ubiquitous 50 Shades of Grey our interest is very much there. Such a big part of sexual desire is having a healthy relationship with our sexual selves and giving ourselves permission to go there, to understand what it means for us and to trust that we are ok in it. It can take a bit for her to ‘get there’ but when she fully does a woman can even be sexually voracious.
There is also the need for her to decide for herself in this hypersexualized culture what is sexually right for her. Is there a perception that she should be interested in sex more often than she actually wants/needs to be? It can be hard for a woman to find her innate sexual desires due to the impact of the many ‘shoulds’ in her culture, in her desire to seek approval from those around her as well as how to meet the desires of her lover.
Lastly there is her relationship to her vulnerability and her heart. If she is scared, carrying past hurts, anger fear or unexpressed sadness then her heart will be closed, not only to her lover but also to herself. This closedness in a woman’s heart cuts off her access to her energetic and sensitive feeling body and will have her saying no to even the
idea of sex as a way of staying out of this vulnerable place.
Telling a woman that she is diseased, faulty and needing to be fixed is the last way to address the issue of sexual desire. Some women may ultimately benefit from such a drug as Flibanserin but there is much more to a woman’s level of desire for sex and her arousal state that just her ability to feel ‘horny’. Sometimes it is just a case of cultivating feelings of arousal first and then desire awakens- in other words choosing to be sexual without feeling it first then finding the desire comes.
Other important aspects of sex are simply how present a woman is in her body in the first place. These days a woman is often busy doing six things at once, pushing herself to achieve, focussing on the use of her intellect, repressing her socially unacceptable emotional and feeling self and relying on her adrenaline stimulating, hyper stressed sympathetic action oriented nervous system to do so. This way of being keeps a woman in her head and disconnects her from her more sensitive feeling body. In this place the release of tension, through more edgy, ‘horny’ adrenaline and dopamine based sex, what is currently seen as ‘normal’ sex, can be just what a woman wants.
But if she experiences desire post arousal she will turn to her parasympathetic nervous system instead which is all about relaxation, time to breathe, connect to her body and to herself. Give a woman time to relax, breathe and connect to herself and her state changes. Relaxation promotes feelings of safety. Remembering pleasurable sexual 
feelings/experiences helps activate the autonomic nervous system (of which the parasympathetic NS is a part) promoting arousal and lubrication. An accepting, loving partner (or her loving self) with consistent gentle touch, kisses, words of appreciation (not just niceties, these are part of the arousal system) continues to activate her full melting response ie. heavier breathing, raised heart rate, flushed skin, erect nipples, whole body sensitivity, engorged labia and vaginal walls, lubrication and dopamine release causing an anticipation/desire for sex. This full depth of activation results in the highest opoid (feel good) and oxytocin (bonding) chemical release allowing true satiation. The challenge with this system is that it operates largely beyond our conscious control- we can’t “will” it to happen in the mind (as any woman, or man, who has tried to ‘make’ an orgasm happen knows), we can only allow it to happen whilst following the above steps.
Pathologizing this difference between female desire and arousal rather than understanding it just puts a woman into shame believing she is wrong somehow, putting further distance between herself and her sexual power. When a woman experiencing responsive desire (desire post arousal) comes to understand how to make the most of her desire, she opens up the opportunity for greater satisfaction. Studies have shown that the closer a woman comes to orgasm her capacity for behaviour regulation becomes deactivated, judgement is suspended and her inner ‘wild woman’ is released with freedom from pain and altered states of consciousness. Well worth the effort of getting there!
At times relaxing, connecting with her body and some loving touch still does not allow a woman’s arousal to flow. In this place it helps for her to connect with her heart, feel into it and notice if she is holding it closed for any reason, taking some time to be with whatever is there. Perhaps it is a wall between her and her partner, or just a deeper level 
of separation from herself, the stress of which activates her stress or sympathetic NS, creating tension and blocking the parasympathetic relaxation/safety response. A little compassionate attention to this part of herself, breathing into or tapping her heart, allowing any accompanying emotions to release can allow her to feel safe and connected enough with herself for arousal and desire to arise. This can be the hardest thing for a woman to give herself permission for, this bit of time, overriding it with less satisfying harder sex. For her lover in this space just know there is nothing to fix here, just bring her your grounded presence and the space to connect with herself.
Even broader than this is the relationship a woman has with her sexuality as her life force energy, her vitality and essence for living, inspiration for her creative and intuitive self, her spiritual gateway. Where cultivation of her sexual energy is for more than just in the bedroom, is about more than desire, where it is about awakening herself.
Embracing our differences and working with our sexuality, our unique female desire and arousal, (actually it is much more complex for the male of the species than we generally believe as well) rather than against it can do more than negatively categorizing and focussing just on chemical fixes alone ever will.
energy to be an “hysterical paroxysm” requiring some form of “treatment”, or that she wasn’t capable of sexual enjoyment, but to “bear these things” ie sex for the benefits of motherhood. Nowadays the modern woman is claiming her rights to “her” orgasms and finding new and creative ways of experiencing them. Yet awareness of a woman’s G-spot is a relatively recent phenomena, for many years it was thought to have been as real as a “UFO”. This very real Sacred spot provides yet more possibilities for women to further know, enjoy and accept their bodies, their sexuality and themselves.
clitoral orgasms only, some have a mixture of both vaginal and clitoral, with or without the lingam/vibe/dildo. For many other women, the G spot still remains an unknown experience. and generally takes a greater level of self awareness and even self acceptance in the woman for it to awaken in her. It is part of her emotional body, one of the major energy centres in her body and experiencing it can bring an emotional intensity that can be unexpected or even frightening. But with knowledge and practice a woman (by herself or with a trusted lover) will find awakening this centre can allow her to access new levels of satisfaction in her sexuality that go a long way to fulfilling the intense emotional longings and frustrations that she usually hopes her partner can fulfil for her. Knowing her body in this way can allow her to share with her partner from a place of wholeness rather than a craving for fulfilment.
Gspot requires. So when you feel arousal happening remember to relax, let your muscles go and deepen your breathing.
-The fear of ejaculation. This is the fluid that can be expelled from a woman’s prostate gland (yes, she has one in the erectile tissue around the urethra, which the Gspot forms part of) when the Gspot is aroused. Because little is known about female ejaculation it can be viewed as urine by the woman and/or her partner. But it actually has a different chemical composition, smell and taste from urine. It is believed to help lubricate the urethra from the acidity of urine, reducing infections and also sweetens the acidic environment of the yoni to enhance sperm survival. In tantric terms it is known as Amrita, the nectar of love and is thought to be a Gift from God, and is seen as a source of rejuvenation. Letting go of Amrita can be an exquisite bliss that is beyond words, leaving a woman and her partner renewed. But a woman can often hold back in fear of “wetting herself”. In fact it is very difficult for a woman to pee when highly aroused, just like it is difficult for a man to pee when he has an erection. Knowing this can help a woman to relax and let Amrita flow when she has the urge to “pee” that comes from stimulation of her Gspot. It can happen separately from orgasm, or with orgasm.
If you listen in to a conversation between women about sex these days you will find the topic most commonly focussed on is orgasm. Whether she had one, how many she had, whereabouts she had them- clitoris, gspot, uspot, aspot, deep spot, heart, throat, anal, full body, skin, energetic; how she got there and how good her partner/vibrator was in getting her there. Sex has become about peak and performance, heavily influenced by visual and orgasm based pornography. Tantric sex focuses on the inside, it is much more about what you feel than what you see and it feels wonderful.
inner spark, the radiance I look for in a woman’s beauty was missing. It seemed that the outfits were wearing the women rather than the other way around. Unlike the post workshop attendees who (after also having had a full on day) were looking totally radiant, beaming with life and love from the inside out. And what they were wearing, whilst also very nice, was taking a back seat to the women themselves. I have never forgotten this striking comparison as it was a reminder for me of what Tantra is all about for a woman- connecting to and experiencing all of who she is from within. This takes sex to a whole other dimension- a place of surrender, expansion, ecstasy and union with spirit.
Many of these qualities are denigrated as weakness or fragility. But is a being capable of carrying and giving birth to a new life (whether she chooses to or not) fragile? Is a being capable of a wild, intense fury to chase after the one trying to steal her child a weakling? Is being fully in a moment of spontaneous and revitalizing play somehow deficient? Is a being that can surrender into her heart and softly nurture your deepest wounds pathetic? Is a being who can magnetically attract you with her beauty and radiance, then vulnerably receive you into her body and the deepest, most intimate recesses of her heart and soul helpless? Is a being that can offer wisdom from her intuition spirit and years of experience merely irrelevant?
As exploring the nature of her feminine qualities will open a woman to her sense of self, and her body to pleasure the way the predictability of a vibrator cannot. I suggest taking time out to explore the qualities listed above and finding ways to experience them. You’ll have a sense of remembering who you “are” and fall more and more in love with yourself, leading to greater life and sexual confidence, openness and pleasure.
All of the above create tension in the genitals. This tension manifests itself most commonly through tightness/stiffness in the yoni (genitals) that never fully relaxes, even during intercourse. The feelings and emotions that are unacknowledged or expressed in this collect in the genitals as blocked energy and over time this is reflected as either numbness or as we are talking about here- physical pain.
My early self beliefs
imagine) I have discovered a way through. By continuing to open to my sexual energy, through tantric lovemaking and sexual healing practices, telling myself it is ok to feel sexual pleasure, consciously witnessing the feelings as they come up to be healed, and by discovering and removing any layers of resistance my pain has slowly resolved. As those of you who have been on a conscious healing path will know, many opportunities will come up when you are seeking to heal, and I learned to trust myself to take up any which seemed like they would provide a pathway to remove any pockets of shame or pain- even if the “how” didn’t always become clear until I was actually into it. Through loving, respectful, honouring and sacred practices I have learned to allow myself to feel as much pleasure as it is possible for me to feel, as I have a right to feel. I am slowly learning to love and trust myself and others, as a sexual being, then as a human being, and finally as a spiritual being, able to truly open myself to love.
