Sisters Doin It For Themselves

June 30, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are we as women blocking an important pathway to pleasure?

Is it time we became Sisters Doin It For Themselves?

In my younger years, my prevailing belief about a woman’s sexual pleasure was, to find the perfect lover who would magically make it all happen as he opened my body to unimaginable heights of pleasure with stars of love in my eyes. This belief is at least partially inspired by romance novels with lines like “He gazed passionately into her eyes before leaning in to kiss her, his tongue expertly caressing her depths, instantly awakening flames of passion deep inside of her” etc etc.

Women have been subtly (and not so subtly) conditioned by society to the idea that it is a man’s ‘job’ to ‘provide for his woman’, unconsciously encouraging her to see the male lover as the one holding the power and prowess in the bedroom. But does it have to be this way? One of my recent Hollywood idols (yes, there still lives a teenager inside me!) Matthew McConnaughey (think Magic Mike) was dethroned in a live interview on The Actors Studio (see You Tube) by his wife Camila when she stated she wished occasionally when Matthew was home that he behaved more like the ‘throw her against the wall and ravish her’ kind of guy he portrays in his movies! Matthew grins and agrees.

This is a good reminder that men are simply perfectly imperfect human beings, just like us, not necessarily Gods in the bedroom.

This deeply infectious conditioning is also supported by our biology, as our sexuality is experienced through the body’s autonomic nervous system. The challenge of the autonomic nervous system response is that it works largely beyond the mind’s conscious control where we can’t ‘will’ it to happen, as anyone trying to ‘force’ arousal or orgasm to happen very quickly discovers. This is where we as women have traditionally handed control of our pleasure, often idealized as the woman’s surrender, over to her lover.

Yet this idea of the man being the sole provider of our pleasure can be a very one hard to give up.

But ladies it is time to do exactly that if your attachment to this romantic scenario is getting in the way of your pleasure. For when you’re pining for the perfect partner who can effortlessly make it all happen you’re making yourself miserable over something that doesn’t actually exist.

There is no doubt about it, that we can experience our lovers as perfect at different times but it’s the idea that we need them to be like this always that gets in the way.

It’s very similar for a guy watching porn who fantasizes about the endlessly and effortlessly horny, wet and willing woman on the screen. If a woman believes she cannot experience pleasure without the perfect partner to do it for her, then she is totally giving her sexual power away. She is putting her focus and energy outside of herself and losing her voice to express what she wants and desires in the process.

In conscious lovemaking a woman really understands that pleasure is a co created experience and that she herself has much to bring. Women’s bodies take time, safety, relaxation and surrender, but can we also give it to ourselves? Where surrender is not so much to the skill of our lover but instead into surrender of our thinking minds to our feeling hearts and bodies, when we let go of trying, pushing, forcing and simply be in the moment open to pleasure arising.

Trusting, loving ourselves and our bodies, giving ourselves loving messages rather than critical self judgement. Feeling our own safety inside of us, wanting and desiring to be there and indirectly activating our autonomic nervous system whilst we’re at it!

When our partners are able to join us in this place of loving, wanting and desiring us, helping us feel loved, beautiful and safe it definitely enhances the impact of our efforts.

Yet if we are closed, untrusting of ourselves and our pleasure, physically tense and in self judgement, then the touch we experience literally feels much less pleasurable or maybe even intolerable.

The autonomic nervous system is very sensitive and requires nurturing. This is where it is important for us to know our own bodies, to be familiar with them through self pleasure, to not only know what they are capable of, but to love spending time there because if we are unwilling to spend time with ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to?

In lovemaking with another it is absolutely OK to include touching your own body, for the pure pleasure of it, to co create.

If we’re not hoping or demanding that he totally looks after us, then the more your lover can soften and drop into his own feeling body, opening his own heart, deepening his yumminess and his presence with us, sharing the role of lover and co creating the experience.

Ways to claim your sexual power and enhance your pleasure:

Take the time to stop, breathe, relax, connect with your own feeling body at the beginning.
Trust that if you can be fully present in your body and open to whatever pleasure may arise then pleasure will happen. This trust activates your autonomic nervous system to do its magical work.
Drop trying to perform as it will take you away from where you want to be.
Believe how you are is perfect right now. Focus on how you feel rather than how you look.
Allow self touch to be part of your lovemaking, not as a fallback position but as a joy. If your partner sees you he will likely be inspired to join in, once he knows it works for you.
Connect with your heart, be how you are rather than how you think you (or your lover) thinks you should be.
Allow any emotions to be felt, even if they feel inappropriate to the moment- as feeling them opens up new pathways to pleasure. Breathe, feel and allow.

Female Desire and Arousal

March 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Understanding Female Desire & Arousal

Are you one of the many women now reporting a low level of desire for sex? And how is it impacting on your sex life and your sense of self? Is there a part of you that just wishes you could take a little blue pill and have all your sexual needs fulfilled? Female desire and arousal is a complex subject.

Recently Sprout Pharmaceuticals resubmitted its (twice already rejected) drug Flibanserin to U.S. Food and Drug Administration for approval. Flibanserin is a drug intended to treat the disease of low sexual desire in women. But is the problem of low sexual desire really a true disease classification or is it simply pathologizing a variation of normal, perhaps even just a lack of understanding what is possible? The ‘disease’ of low sexual desire was originally classified as ‘a lack of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity’ ie. thoughts of sex leading to arousal that motivates the person to pursue satisfaction. This very limited view largely based on the male experience has now been broadened to include female desire and arousal- the difference between sexual interest and physical arousal, where a woman may not feel hungry for or interested in sex but this does not mean she is incapable of becoming aroused given the right situation.

There so much more to a woman’s sexuality than just fantasy, desire and horniness it is no wonder we get confused at times. We have generations of social conditioning telling us to push down those thoughts or feelings as ‘wrong’ for good girls. Yet if we look at ‘hot’ romance novels or the success of the ubiquitous 50 Shades of Grey our interest is very much there. Such a big part of sexual desire is having a healthy relationship with our sexual selves and giving ourselves permission to go there, to understand what it means for us and to trust that we are ok in it. It can take a bit for her to ‘get there’ but when she fully does a woman can even be sexually voracious.

There is also the need for her to decide for herself in this hypersexualized culture what is sexually right for her. Is there a perception that she should be interested in sex more often than she actually wants/needs to be? It can be hard for a woman to find her innate sexual desires due to the impact of the many ‘shoulds’ in her culture, in her desire to seek approval from those around her as well as how to meet the desires of her lover.

Lastly there is her relationship to her vulnerability and her heart. If she is scared, carrying past hurts, anger fear or unexpressed sadness then her heart will be closed, not only to her lover but also to herself. This closedness in a woman’s heart cuts off her access to her energetic and sensitive feeling body and will have her saying no to even the idea of sex as a way of staying out of this vulnerable place.

Telling a woman that she is diseased, faulty and needing to be fixed is the last way to address the issue of sexual desire. Some women may ultimately benefit from such a drug as Flibanserin but there is much more to a woman’s level of desire for sex and her arousal state that just her ability to feel ‘horny’. Sometimes it is just a case of cultivating feelings of arousal first and then desire awakens- in other words choosing to be sexual without feeling it first then finding the desire comes.

Other important aspects of sex are simply how present a woman is in her body in the first place. These days a woman is often busy doing six things at once, pushing herself to achieve, focussing on the use of her intellect, repressing her socially unacceptable emotional and feeling self and relying on her adrenaline stimulating, hyper stressed sympathetic action oriented nervous system to do so. This way of being keeps a woman in her head and disconnects her from her more sensitive feeling body. In this place the release of tension, through more edgy, ‘horny’ adrenaline and dopamine based sex, what is currently seen as ‘normal’ sex, can be just what a woman wants.

But if she experiences desire post arousal she will turn to her parasympathetic nervous system instead which is all about relaxation, time to breathe, connect to her body and to herself. Give a woman time to relax, breathe and connect to herself and her state changes. Relaxation promotes feelings of safety. Remembering pleasurable sexual feelings/experiences helps activate the autonomic nervous system (of which the parasympathetic NS is a part) promoting arousal and lubrication. An accepting, loving partner (or her loving self) with consistent gentle touch, kisses, words of appreciation (not just niceties, these are part of the arousal system) continues to activate her full melting response ie. heavier breathing, raised heart rate, flushed skin, erect nipples, whole body sensitivity, engorged labia and vaginal walls, lubrication and dopamine release causing an anticipation/desire for sex. This full depth of activation results in the highest opoid (feel good) and oxytocin (bonding) chemical release allowing true satiation. The challenge with this system is that it operates largely beyond our conscious control- we can’t “will” it to happen in the mind (as any woman, or man, who has tried to ‘make’ an orgasm happen knows), we can only allow it to happen whilst following the above steps.

Pathologizing this difference between female desire and arousal rather than understanding it just puts a woman into shame believing she is wrong somehow, putting further distance between herself and her sexual power. When a woman experiencing responsive desire (desire post arousal) comes to understand how to make the most of her desire, she opens up the opportunity for greater satisfaction. Studies have shown that the closer a woman comes to orgasm her capacity for behaviour regulation becomes deactivated, judgement is suspended and her inner ‘wild woman’ is released with freedom from pain and altered states of consciousness. Well worth the effort of getting there!

At times relaxing, connecting with her body and some loving touch still does not allow a woman’s arousal to flow. In this place it helps for her to connect with her heart, feel into it and notice if she is holding it closed for any reason, taking some time to be with whatever is there. Perhaps it is a wall between her and her partner, or just a deeper level of separation from herself, the stress of which activates her stress or sympathetic NS, creating tension and blocking the parasympathetic relaxation/safety response. A little compassionate attention to this part of herself, breathing into or tapping her heart, allowing any accompanying emotions to release can allow her to feel safe and connected enough with herself for arousal and desire to arise. This can be the hardest thing for a woman to give herself permission for, this bit of time, overriding it with less satisfying harder sex. For her lover in this space just know there is nothing to fix here, just bring her your grounded presence and the space to connect with herself.

Even broader than this is the relationship a woman has with her sexuality as her life force energy, her vitality and essence for living, inspiration for her creative and intuitive self, her spiritual gateway. Where cultivation of her sexual energy is for more than just in the bedroom, is about more than desire, where it is about awakening herself.

Embracing our differences and working with our sexuality, our unique female desire and arousal, (actually it is much more complex for the male of the species than we generally believe as well) rather than against it can do more than negatively categorizing and focussing just on chemical fixes alone ever will.

Is your Gspot missing in action?

December 10, 2014 By Annette & Graeme 60 Comments

Many women believe they don’t actually have a Gspot, because sometimes they like to hide…

However it’s more likely to be because it hasn’t been awakened yet.

Read on for more info about this gorgeous but slippery little sucker…

The Gspot or a UFO?

Knowledge of a woman’s sexuality has grown over the years. We have come a long way from believing a woman’s expression of her sexual energy to be an “hysterical paroxysm” requiring some form of “treatment”, or that she wasn’t capable of sexual enjoyment, but to “bear these things” ie sex for the benefits of motherhood. Nowadays the modern woman is claiming her rights to “her” orgasms and finding new and creative ways of experiencing them. Yet awareness of a woman’s G-spot is a relatively recent phenomena, for many years it was thought to have been as real as a “UFO”. This very real Sacred spot provides yet more possibilities for women to further know, enjoy and accept their bodies, their sexuality and themselves.

How is a Gspot different from a clitoris?

At a practical level yes, every woman is born with a G-spot. It exists as a mound of erectile tissue 1-2 finger joints inside the upper wall of her yoni (vagina), often not as far in as you might think. The gspot is not actually inside the yoni, but resides in the upper wall and can only be physically felt by touching when it has been “activated”. When this happens, it feels like an area of raised ridges, a little like an almond which becomes more distended and easier to feel when aroused and sometimes can even feel like a small pearl. They are still part of the same genital landscape, with one external and the other inside the vagina. The clitoris is an organ that is largely responsive to direct stimulation and has an expected enjoyable physical response and generally has a limit to the no. of orgasms it can experience. The G-spot however has a much greater range of responses as in or around this physical location is the energy point of the Gspot and activating this is what takes the experience to a whole new level of ongoing waves of pleasure, unlimited multiple orgasms, emotion, even what can be described as spiritual experiences.

I tried to find an image on ecstatically radiant post Gspot orgasmic woman but it seems they can’t be faked- there is a quality she has that only comes from the real thing, hence no female images on this post.

A Gspot can be very intense!

Some women have spontaneous Gspot (or vaginal) orgasms through stimulation with the lingam (penis) or vibrator/dildo. Some women have Gspot is spiritual awakening clitoral orgasms only, some have a mixture of both vaginal and clitoral, with or without the lingam/vibe/dildo. For many other women, the G spot still remains an unknown experience. and generally takes a greater level of self awareness and even self acceptance in the woman for it to awaken in her. It is part of her emotional body, one of the major energy centres in her body and experiencing it can bring an emotional intensity that can be unexpected or even frightening. But with knowledge and practice a woman (by herself or with a trusted lover) will find awakening this centre can allow her to access new levels of satisfaction in her sexuality that go a long way to fulfilling the intense emotional longings and frustrations that she usually hopes her partner can fulfil for her. Knowing her body in this way can allow her to share with her partner from a place of wholeness rather than a craving for fulfilment.

How can a Gspot be awakened?

To awaken the Gspot, use your (or ask your lover, or use a Gspot vibe) index or pointer fingers, with plenty of lubrication, to tap gently, move your finger in a “come hither” movement, or side to side or up and down on the area, or hold still on it and just breathe. Get to know its size, shape and moods, it can take much more pressure than your clitoris. If you feel like you need to pee you’ve found it! Squeeze your pc muscles and feel how this moves the spot onto your fingers. Have your attention firmly on this part of your body. Breathe deeply, relax and feel with no expectations.

Sometimes if your lover is looking to connect with your Gspot he can place the fingers of his other hand just above the pubic bone and press down gently, this can help him find anchor the spot between his two hands.

Some of the reasons the Gpsot can still be missing in action:

-It can be missed completely when not aroused because it feels almost flat. If you can’t feel it, just believe in it, visualize it, relax and keep touching.

– It lacks time. A Gspot can take longer to arouse and if this part is missed then nothing happens. It can be good in the early stages to take special time just to focus on it by itself. Once awakened it can be instantaneous, although it will always have it’s days on and off.

-Arousal can be short circuited by focussing entirely on clitoral orgasm, (they have different nerve supplies) so if you are looking to explore your Gspot it’s best to build stimulation in the clitoris but stop well short of orgasm, then begin to focus on the different sensations and possibilities in the Gspot.

-Whole body tension is another short circuit. Often a woman will tense her body to create a clitoral orgasm, this is the opposite of what the Gspot is the heart of woman Gspot requires. So when you feel arousal happening remember to relax, let your muscles go and deepen your breathing.

-Over use of a vibrator- this can either short circuit sensation by being too much too soon, or can toughen and numb the spot, reducing it’s sensitivity.

– Weak and/or tense pc muscles (the muscles between our legs that we feel when we try to stop the flow of urine). These muscles can suffer from lack of use, over strain etc. Begin to contract and release these muscles as often as you can each day to build their strength. Make sure you just contract the pc, not your stomach or buttocks. And relax the muscle fully in between squeezes. Squeeze along to your favourite song.

-Sometimes a Gspot feels totally numb and so we think it doesn’t work and give up. With attention and love it can be fully activated, keep practicing.

-Sometimes the Gspot is painful when touched so we avoid it. This pain is old stored emotion from unhelpful beliefs about your sexuality or difficult past sexual experiences. With attention and love it can be released.

-The Gspot is an emotional energy centre and the feelings aroused can be unfamiliar, intense and so they are shut down. Understand that these emotions are an important part of who you are, an energy that will become pleasurable when accepted. Allow any emotions that arise just to be felt or expressed. Breathe into your heart and bring love into your Gspot.

– To fully experience the Gspot you need to trust your body, and surrender into your sensations, letting go into them with every out breath.

– A woman shutting down if her partner is uncomfortable with her intensity. Take your time and both of you build a relationship to this part of her. And men challenge yourself to learn to last longer, check out this page to both last longer in lovemaking AND increase your pleasure. It will help you build the sexual relationship (and relationship) of your dreams.

Female Ejaculation

-The fear of ejaculation. This is the fluid that can be expelled from a woman’s prostate gland (yes, she has one in the erectile tissue around the urethra, which the Gspot forms part of) when the Gspot is aroused. Because little is known about female ejaculation it can be viewed as urine by the woman and/or her partner. But it actually has a different chemical composition, smell and taste from urine. It is believed to help lubricate the urethra from the acidity of urine, reducing infections and also sweetens the acidic environment of the yoni to enhance sperm survival. In tantric terms it is known as Amrita, the nectar of love and is thought to be a Gift from God, and is seen as a source of rejuvenation. Letting go of Amrita can be an exquisite bliss that is beyond words, leaving a woman and her partner renewed. But a woman can often hold back in fear of “wetting herself”. In fact it is very difficult for a woman to pee when highly aroused, just like it is difficult for a man to pee when he has an erection. Knowing this can help a woman to relax and let Amrita flow when she has the urge to “pee” that comes from stimulation of her Gspot. It can happen separately from orgasm, or with orgasm.

In conclusion

Gspot orgasm is not another goal for a woman to reach. Ejaculation is not a “party trick” to perform on demand to please her partner. It is an opportunity for her, if she chooses, to know and accept herself at a deeper level. To know and accept her feeling self. To experience herself in her Goddess energy. It is a journey of personal awakening.

More Orgasms more often?

September 17, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Orgasms, Orgasms, Orgasms…

With more women apparently “coming” with greater ease in lovemaking than ever before (especially the women in porn) it is a hidden secret that many women as yet don’t have the pleasure of coming at all, in fact up to 1 in 3 women don’t. And up to 80% have trouble at times.

You have to remember that what you see in a porn flick is acting…

So how can YOU come more often? Here are some tips to increase your orgasmic potential…

And you don’t have to wait for your partner to get the right “technique”, there is much you can do to help yourself.

There are lots of different things you can play with:

Understand that the reason it is not happening has nothing to do with you not being good enough or sexy enough. Sexuality is a very complex part of us and is not determined by this one particular factor.
Don’t push yourself into trying too hard! It IS frustrating but the harder you try the more focus you put on your mind (the opposite place to where your orgasm will happen). And the greater tension you create in your body. As sexual pleasure (energy) flows through relaxed muscles this is not what you want.
Breathe more. Breathing is extremely powerful in sex (don’t get me started!), just begin by noticing how you are breathing wherever you are in your orgasmic cycle. Breathing more deeply into your belly and out though your mouth helps you relax and opens your energy.
Touch yourself with love, seek to connect with and honour yourself rather than just stimulate yourself. It is a subtle but very powerful mind shift.
Do you notice that you build up towards orgasm but then it dies away? See if you are tensing your body and stopping your breath as you peak? This is creates a block.If you notice this breathe more deeply.
Find ways for your mind to help you rather than distract. Fantasies can help but take you away from yourself. If your mind is all over the place (as it often is!) give it a job that keeps your focus inside you. Imagine your mind is filled with the colour white, the more thoughts come the whiter you imagine it. White is soothing and healing. Then make a connection to your sex centre (genitals) by imagining drops of red slowly forming and dropping from your brain down through your body to your sex centre. It’s weird but it works.
Let your body move. As you relax your body will want to move, give it permission by encouraging it, without caring how it might look, let your hips rock backwards and forwards. If you usually clench and tighten your body this may feel wrong, but again give it a try.
Sometimes what blocks us is what lies between our head and genitals- our heart. Breathe as if you could breathe into your chest and heart, notice what you feel there. Does it feel closed or blocked? There may be something that needs to be felt and released there. Whatever it is just feel it.
Spend time on your breasts and nipples. Often we are very genitally focussed but our breasts are a path to opening our heart and our genitals to pleasure. Massage the whole area (going to the nipples last) to fully awaken here. If you are with a partner ask them to join in with kisses, licks and sucks. If not do it yourself, you deserve it.
Include pc squeezes. The muscles between your legs (your pelvic floor or pc) are like a sexual pump. First relax, then tighten and release these muscles. Do it in a way that feels good rather than as an exercise.
Play with using your voice. Your vocal chords vibrate to make sound and if your body is aroused making sound will accentuate it. Start small and build. A lot of it is about self permission, don’t let shame keep you small. If you have to, placing a pillow over your mouth (not your nose!) will allow you to make a lot of sound quietly.
If you feel yourself beginning to build up to a peak imagine fireworks going off in your brain as where the mind goes the energy follows…
Understand that as women we have a place in us that is beyond having an orgasm, where we access our ecstatic orgasmic flow where there is no trying just being, and our breath + relaxation are the keys to taking us there. Keep your mind open to this possibility.

Tantric Sex For Women

August 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Tantric Sex For Women- a journey into self love

If you listen in to a conversation between women about sex these days you will find the topic most commonly focussed on is orgasm. Whether she had one, how many she had, whereabouts she had them- clitoris, gspot, uspot, aspot, deep spot, heart, throat, anal, full body, skin, energetic; how she got there and how good her partner/vibrator was in getting her there. Sex has become about peak and performance, heavily influenced by visual and orgasm based pornography. Tantric sex focuses on the inside, it is much more about what you feel than what you see and it feels wonderful.

Some years ago after the completion of one of my women’s Tantric workshops I took all of the participants out for a celebration dinner. It just so happened that the day coincided with the running of the local Horsham Cup. This was back in the days when I ran my workshops in rural western Victoria. As we trouped up to the Exchange Hotel (the best place to get a nice, reasonably priced evening meal in the sticks!) I noticed a couple of tables containing women who, given the tres chic way they were dressed, had obviously been out to this fashionable event.

Tantra’s inner radiance

I noticed the women looked wonderful on the outside, quite ready for a spot in Vogue or Cosmo, but even allowing for the fact that they’d probably had a long day the inner spark, the radiance I look for in a woman’s beauty was missing. It seemed that the outfits were wearing the women rather than the other way around. Unlike the post workshop attendees who (after also having had a full on day) were looking totally radiant, beaming with life and love from the inside out. And what they were wearing, whilst also very nice, was taking a back seat to the women themselves. I have never forgotten this striking comparison as it was a reminder for me of what Tantra is all about for a woman- connecting to and experiencing all of who she is from within. This takes sex to a whole other dimension- a place of surrender, expansion, ecstasy and union with spirit.

A woman spends a lot of her life looking for who she is. She learns very early in life that for her life is about how she looks and how she fits in to what is expected of her. This is because woman is The Other, made from Adam’s spare rib. Mankind is the centre of life and woman is created to reflect in man’s image. She is born without a sense of herself and spends the remainder of her life trying to find it. The model for success she is given is masculine based, focussed on external motivations taking her further away from her feminine essence. With feminine qualities seen as less than by the majority of society she quickly loses contact with her innate way of being. In her uncertainty she embraces the external world of doing, of achieving, trying to “have it all”, or feels guilty for not doing so. This is how she approached sex as well.

Society has also skewed the essence of woman for its own purposes in praising her for her ability to nurture, to feel love and compassion at the expense of her other qualities. This has led woman, in her need for love and approval to over focus on those around her to the detriment of herself. This takes her further away from her core strengths and leaves her vulnerable, depressed and insecure, or with a wall of pseudo confidence and independence yet unfulfilled within. It leaves her empty.

This is where Tantra and Tantric Sex comes in. Tantra invites a woman to more fully embody her feminine state, giving her access to the qualities that nurture, sustain and fill her up. This process is about surrendering rather than effort. It doesn’t mean that she needs to abandon her drive for independence and achievement but offers a way to help her sustain it. Tantric sex is more fulfilling than a tension focussed performance straining an already empty tank.

Our feminine qualities

What are these much maligned feminine qualities? Feeling, emotion, intensity, sexuality, vitality, nurturing, intuition, creativity, beingness, spontaneity, movement, receptivity, softness, vulnerability, fullness, submission, yielding, surrender, play, mystery, fluidity, changeability, connection, magnetic attractiveness, inner radiance, beauty, wisdom, embodied spirit.

Many of these qualities are denigrated as weakness or fragility. But is a being capable of carrying and giving birth to a new life (whether she chooses to or not) fragile? Is a being capable of a wild, intense fury to chase after the one trying to steal her child a weakling? Is being fully in a moment of spontaneous and revitalizing play somehow deficient? Is a being that can surrender into her heart and softly nurture your deepest wounds pathetic? Is a being who can magnetically attract you with her beauty and radiance, then vulnerably receive you into her body and the deepest, most intimate recesses of her heart and soul helpless? Is a being that can offer wisdom from her intuition spirit and years of experience merely irrelevant?

Perhaps it is a misunderstanding of what these qualities can offer that leads us to deny what they offer? As women we are guilty of supporting the societal view of the feminine as we too are disconnected from ourselves and our truth. We fear vulnerability as a loss of control and see it as a source of suffering, we see surrender as a loss of power. From this place of disconnection we put up barriers to keep others (especially lovers) out of our hearts. We forget is that these barriers keep us out of our own hearts, and our sense of self.

Connecting it with sex

You might ask what does all of this have to do with sex? I say everything, as a woman who is fully connected with herself and her heart experiences sex from this holistic and Tantric perspective, rather than merely a physical or mental one. It can be sex for pleasure, for procreation, making love, or experiencing sexuality as her vital life force, feeling it alive and vibrant inside her as she goes about her day.

Yes, we can have sex that focuses on the physical mechanics of peak orgasm, this is a great beginning place. It would be a tragedy if this was all a women ever sought. As exploring the nature of her feminine qualities will open a woman to her sense of self, and her body to pleasure the way the predictability of a vibrator cannot. I suggest taking time out to explore the qualities listed above and finding ways to experience them. You’ll have a sense of remembering who you “are” and fall more and more in love with yourself, leading to greater life and sexual confidence, openness and pleasure.

To take yourself to the heights of your sexual possibilities you need to go inside yourself; trust, connect and surrender to your flow that lies within you – this is the unending orgasmic ecstasy you are capable of.

The following steps will begin this exploration of what lies within you.

Try them with yourself first (allow a minimum of 30 mins, with practice it will take a few mins only) and then share with your partner:

1. Breathing- the more you breathe the more you feel and connect to yourself. Breathe deeply down into your belly and “let go” or relax as you exhale through your mouth. Allow your body to relax. Don’t worry, you don’t need a lot of tension to orgasm, in fact tension will limit it.

2. Drop your attention from your mind into your body. Notice your breath, scan your body and notice the sensations and feelings. If you aren’t feeling anything don’t make it WRONG! This will just create more thinking. Just keep noticing and allowing what is, trusting that it will change. It can feel like you are dropping into nothing, this is where you need to trust yourself.

3. Then do the same with your attention to your genitals- breathe, notice and allow.

4. Continue deep breathing and now drop into your heart, when you do you will feel your body become soft, safe and receptive. If you feel any resistance or fear just allow it to be there, accept it and it will shift.

4. You may be noticing tingling sensations in your body, this is the activation of your ecstatic energy. Begin to breathe in through your open mouth as you rock your hips forward, breathe out through your nose as you rock your hips back. Imagine you are filling yourself full of breath, energy or love.

5. Relax and play with the size, speed and rhythm of your breath and movements. Add in some pelvic floor squeezes if you like. Enjoy yourself and see what happens. Be in the flow.

6. Give yourself permission to make sounds. Don’t fake it like a porn star, just ask yourself is there a sound there that wants to be expressed, start gently. The vibrations in your throat amplify the ones in your body.

7. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes (even if it’s not you!)- pleasure, power, ecstasy, love, wet, messy, emotion, connection, expansion, spirit etc etc.

Above all stay connected with yourself, keep and open mind and from here you can fly. Once you get this combination adding in touch will feel electric and super pleasurable. You are well on the way to connecting with the truth of who you are and the ecstasy that lies within. Connecting with this place in yourself will energetically invite your partner to meet you there. From this place move on to explore your orgasmic spots, especially your gspot, allow them to take you their heights with you in the driver’s seat. This is the Tantric approach to sex for a woman, so worth the journey!

Menopause: Suffering or Alchemy of Liberation?

May 27, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Menopause is an inevitable fact of life

Menopause is the time when a woman stops ovulating and having her period each month. It’s an opportunity for her to explore the dynamics underlying this change. This time can be brief or can last years. Much of what is written below has been my personal journey, and I have mostly come safely out the other side…So if this is where you’re at, or where you are looking to be one day, read on…

Seen from big picture-

Menopause for women

At a big picture level there is also a shift in how a woman sees herself at this time and who she can become once freed from the needs of her physical body that are focussed on others. She no longer has the power to bleed but retains the wisdom and power of her blood within her always. So the more intuitive state and take no prisoners attitude of the pre menstrual phase is available to her all through the month instead of just for a few days! This is why the older woman becomes invisible unless she steps into this power and becomes a force to be reckoned with!

You probably know of the much publicised symptoms that result from immense hormonal upheaval as her oestrogen drops and her system reorients itself to not having babies. For some women these symptoms are a minor blip on the radar, for others they can be totally debilitating. The hormonal changes result in a range of physical effects such as hot flushes and sweats, mental fogginess, anxiety, mood swings, dry itchy skin, hair loss, increased belly fat, sleeplessness, loss of bone density, decreases in libido, vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls which can make sex painful. To add insult to injury she may also be subjected to a higher level of vaginal infections such as thrush for a while.

A time of uncertainty and change-

She is no longer the mother as she once was (menopause often occurs as kids have left home), or now cannot be. Along with the empty nest her body is forcing her to face the undeniable facts of getting older, even of death. She may have fears around her sexuality, as along with the physical and emotional changes she also faces a lot of social conditioning around that fact that older women are not generally seen as sexual beings, although this is very slowly starting to change.

Her body is not forcing her to nurture others as it once did with so now there is more room

Inner volcano

for herself and her female psyche will challenge her to question who she is, which can bring either anxiety or a sense of freedom. It can be a time of great unknown and uncertainty. Sometimes a woman will move straight from motherhood to grandmotherhood which gives her a renewed sense of self without having to confront the question of who is she if she is not a mother?

As part of this questioning process a woman will often look to try new things for herself, to make long desired changes and seek to “sort things out”. This can involve being less available for others in the old way of putting herself last which can be challenging for those around her. Yet as she steps into her power she learns to support through empowering others as she empowers herself, rather than just “doing it all for them”.

Menopause often causes a woman to reassess her relationship, as with the children gone there is less room to hide what is, or is not working. When sex is less frequent it can be difficult for her to want to stay close and intimate to her partner as she becomes this forgetful, emotional, sweaty, and lowered libido being. But communication, intimacy and sex is what she most needs to help her stay grounded and connected as she becomes more connected with herself.

Coming out the other side-

As a result of all this searching menopause ends with a woman feeling more comfortable with who she is and where she is going- she has more of an internal locus of control- she looks to herself for answers rather than those around her. With less of a focus on others and the homefront she can be more focussed on the outside world and take an interest in local, community or world social events. If she is able to stand in her power as a well rounded, rich and powerful being rather than succumbing to the belief that for a woman to have value she must either be Hollywood beautiful or be in the role of the mother. Sex becomes less about creating babies or merely providing pleasure for the partner and more about self pleasure, sharing pleasure, fun, love and spiritual connection- a pathway for her to nurture her inner radiance.

Growing through menopause together

How you can support yourself in this time:

Become informed about the menopausal process, understand and make conscious choices for yourself- this is part of developing your internal locus of control. Understanding about menopause helps you create a life post menopause that is rich and inviting!

Physically:

Listen to your body and what it is telling you about what works for it.

Eat well- find what way of eating works for you. Drink plenty of water.

Get plenty of rest.

Choose the medication that is most appropriate for you. Many medications affect your libido eg. antihypertensives and antidepressants.

Indulge in physical exercise, include working with weights to keep you active, strong and positive. Regular exercise is known to be as effective as an antidepressant!

There are huge range of hormonal, herbal and other treatments available that can support a woman through the physical symptoms but none that will “fix” it for each person. It can be a frustrating time finding what works but keep trying and develops a support system of friends and practitioners- GP, Naturopath, Counsellors, reading material etc.

Mentally:

Discover what menopause means for you, read up.

Set an intention for how you are going to journey through menopause and what you want from it.

The mental fogginess can disconnect us from our bodies so it is vital that we practice connection with it regularly to get grounded and maintain connection. Look forward to the increased mental clarity that occurs as menopause completes.

Emotionally:

Learn to listen to yourself emotionally, learn to centre and hear your own intuitive wisdom.

Take time out to nurture yourself- can be as simple as a walk, bath, massage, yoga or meditation. Dancing (even in the living room to your favourite music) is a fabulous way to meditate as you move your delicious feminine body.

Learn some emotional intelligence skills to maximize the benefit and minimize the fallout

Emotional volatility a challenge and a gift

from your emotional intensity. See your emotions as a key to learning about yourself and where you are going.

Find someone you can share with, that you can be real with about what is happening for you, and will just listen or offer support if you need it. If you don’t belong to a women’s group join one or create your own.

Find ways to communicate with your partner about what is happening for you. Keep it short and to the point so he can hear you.

Sexually:

Be willing to discuss what is happening for you sexually. Sex is challenging during menopause as we shift from being hormone or ‘horny’ libido driven to making sex a choice of conscious exploration. We simply open to our selves and our bodies, rather than having an expectation of getting what we’re used to. We choose to see what happens when we get fully present with ourselves in the sexual space. We take time to really listen to our bodies, to go slow, to breathe more fully and let our pleasure arise from a deeper place. Depending on the individual, the pleasure can be deeper, more subtle than before, but no less satisfying, just different. Whatever happens, exploring your sexuality at this time will bring you a deeper, more loving connection with yourself, and if you include him, with your partner.

Remember that having sex promotes elasticity in the vaginal tissues so having sensitive sex can help the symptoms reduce.
Introduce self pleasuring into your life if you don’t already, use it to reawaken your body.
Make time to simply explore your body’s responses to whole body touch without any expectations.
Have a good quality personal lubricant at hand and don’t be afraid to use it. We suggest Sylk or Sliquid.
A daily 10 min attention to your gspot (either yourself or your lover) can help keep you connected to yourself and your sexuality, even opening to its spiritual dimension (without using it as foreplay, making it your time).
Try a Jade Egg to help strengthen your vaginal muscles which act as a sexual pump and will stimulate your sexual energy.
Know too that for a woman desire doesn’t necessarily come before arousal so being open to sex can allow desire to come.
If you’re still experiencing pain in lovemaking once you’ve taken care of your lubrication you might like to try some sexual healing to help release the emotional blocks that lie behind your pain. If this is the case we suggest you contact us for further information by Ph 1800 TANTRA or email here

As your sexuality changes, listen to your man’s fears and concerns, as this validates him in his sexuality and will help you maintain a strong connection in your relationship. Invite him to go deeper with you. Be open to trying some different things, aim for win/win solutions.

Tantric Heart space

Seek conscious sexuality practices that take sex into a place of nurture and awakening rather than performance. It also helps awaken your inner radiance and so much more! Seeking pleasure is actually part of your physical and emotional wellbeing- see more on the link below.

Spiritually:

Be open to your intuition about anything that may be driving you to “clean house” about the issues in your life, many gifts can come from this powerful time of learning about yourself.

Taking time in your lovemaking to slow down and get more present will yoursel

Other Resources:

A little about menopause for your man

Make sure you attend a Power of Yoni & The Wisdom Within Workshop, a place where you can explore the above and take some big steps towards becoming the woman you can be!

Reliable and regular support when you need it, via phone (1800 TANTRA) or skype

Getaways for you and your man to reconnect

Ecstasy & Intimacy Retreat

Understanding your hormonal picture: a sensible alternative

The importance of sharing the experience: menopause chit chat

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

Painful Sex – Is this you?

March 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sex is Meant to be Pleasurable

Sex is meant to be pleasurable and satisfying, making love blissful, nurturing, and more. What if it is none of these things but a source of frustration or even misery, for the both woman and her lover? This has been my own story and is an increasingly common scenario, with Drs who specialize in women’s gynaecological health reporting it is on the increase, particularly in young women. If you fear making love more than look forward to it,

Painful sex can feel like a red hot poker

if your lover is at his wits end because he it hurts him to know he is causing you suffering you are not alone. Some studies say the rate of painful sex for women is as high as 30%. One US study has put the figure of women between the ages of 18-64 who have suffered from chronic painful sex, a condition known as vulvodynia, as high as 16%. The cause of vulvodynia is said to be unknown but has an important psychological link. This does NOT mean that it is all in your head though, the physical symptoms of stinging, itching and burning from mild to intense are very real.

There are Many reasons for Painful Sex

There are many reasons sex can be painful, most commonly it is due to emotional tension, vaginal dryness, infection, low libido, hormonal imbalances due to the pill or menopausal changes to the vaginal tissues. Prolonged and over enthusiastic forceful “porn” type thrusting. Even some medications affect lubrication, particularly anti depressants.

Focussing on emotional aspects underlying vaginal pain:

1. You’re saying yes to sex when you really mean no. This can be for a wide variety of reasons- you’re just not in the mood but feel compelled to go there because you think you should eg. for your lover’s satisfaction, because you believe it is more important than yours or because your believe there is something wrong with you if you don’t want to have sex. Or perhaps saying no is a difficulty for you in general, especially if you see it hurting another.

2. You’re angry with, or in fear of your partner and have closed your heart to him, the heart is a very powerful factor in a woman being able to open sexually and if you are carrying unresolved hurt vaginal pain can result.

3. You’re not connected with yourself sexually, you don’t yet know how, or don’t take the time to become fully aroused before penetration and override your body’s innate needs.

4. You have sex that you don’t enjoy, or continue to have sex long after it has ceased to be pleasurable.

5. You may have guilt about being sexual at all, or for having sex, self pleasuring or masturbation.

6. You have repeated experiences of failing to reach orgasm, or been “left hanging in midair’ whilst your partner was already “over the edge”.

7. Sex has become goal orientated, with your mind forcing your body to perform rather than following its natural desires.

8. You and your lover have ‘porn focussed performance sex’, with long periods of forceful thrusting and little intimacy.

9. You make love as a way of avoiding intimacy, or confrontation with your partner or covering up your anger.

10. You may be carrying some unhealed sexual abuse.

11. Even the experience of a caesarean section or difficult birth, a hysterectomy or an abortion can leave an impact on your sexual body.

12. Your pelvic floor muscles, the ones that hold your vagina, and the structures around it, such as your uterus, bladder and bowel in place have become weakened, allowing them to prolapse into your vagina, creating pain when they’re pressed against. This weakening can be caused by lack of use, childbirth, poor overall health and hormonal changes; generalized stress that causes you to chronically tense your pelvic floor which over time weakens it. Loss of pelvic floor tone affect 50% of women at some stage in their lives! It can be fixed by learning proper pelvic floor health, or more serious cases require surgery.

13. You may mistakenly believe you are not worthy of receiving pleasure. This is so not true, it is your birthright!

14. The cycle of pain can develop a feedback loop in your belief and nervous systems, taking on a life of its own. This doesn’t mean you’re crazy, you just haven’t learned how this pain cycle works and what to do about it.

15. Either you, or your partner fear your sexuality and its power.

Or perhaps your pain has turned into numbness. A woman’s vagina has an extraordinary capacity to tolerate pain by numbing it away. It does this to make giving birth more tolerable. The only challenge with this is that it numbs pleasure as well.

Tension in the Genitals

All of the above create tension in the genitals. This tension manifests itself most commonly through tightness/stiffness in the yoni (genitals) that never fully relaxes, even during intercourse. The feelings and emotions that are unacknowledged or expressed in this collect in the genitals as blocked energy and over time this is reflected as either numbness or as we are talking about here- physical pain.

There are many ways to support you with managing your pain, the first is believing that it is real, and not something that you need to ‘put up with’ in any shape or form. The next is believing that you are a sexual being that is capable of extra ordinary pleasure and that you want what you’re made for.

In you:

Learn to relax your pelvic floor. Imagine your muscle between your legs as a triangle of chocolate melting in the warm sun. Literally feel the area letting go. Do this regularly so that you can do it during sex as well.
Once your muscles have learned to relax start to tone them and make them healthier. In this case try identifying your pelvic floor muscles by standing with both feet facing inwards and squeezing the muscles between your legs as if trying not to pee. Once you’ve identified them squeeze and release them gently. Make sure you relax them fully by imagining the area melting like chocolate in the warm sun. Once this feels ok do the same but pull the muscles up higher inside you by imagining you’re sipping them up like a thickshake up a straw (sipping your breath in at the same time helps) and hold in for 1 second then release. Do 10 times, releasing fully in between each one. Over a few weeks build up to a 10sec hold.

In the bedroom:

Take your time, breathe deeply into your heart, and into your genitals, allowing you to relax and open as much as possible.
Have your partner use full body strokes before massaging the outside of your Yoni (genitals) well, making sure you have a ‘Yes’ for penetration.
Try a variety of touches to help expand your body’s awareness rather than continually going over and over the same ground, as this helps to break the pain cycle in your brain.
Use personal lubricant- there is no such thing as too much lube and it’s not a sign of failure to use it.
Encourage your partner to go slow, look each other in the eyes, breathe together and build trust.
Stop when you need to.

Outside the bedroom:

Investigate any underlying medical causes with your Dr.
Get medical or naturopathic support for your hormone levels.
Find out if you can change your medication to one with less side effects.
See a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor management can help you relax and strengthen your pelvic floor muscles and also release muscle tension inside your vagina.
Having some counselling to investigate what might be going on for you emotionally with your sense of self and in your relationship can help.
Explore the idea of some sexual healing.

Communication is Critical

And of course talking to your partner about this, if you haven’t already ,so he can understand what is happening for you and more appropriately support you, as well as

having a chance to express his own fears and pain in a situation where to make love with you hurts you. Especially when it becomes chronic sexual pain is a situation where the solution will involve both of you. Learning how to have more energetic lovemaking with less thrusting and more flowing will help.

Express your Emotions

Allowing yourself to express the emotions that come up will help release the energy that is blocking in your vagina., which is also the area of your first, second and third chakras live- where your safety, sexuality, creativity and power centres reign. For me personally, as well as looking at all the areas above I have found that my pain was asking me to go deeper inside myself and connect to the power that lies underneath my sexual pleasure, my sense of my personal power and who I think and I am, to be the one in the drivers seat of my sexuality (and my life). When I am thrusting forward in my hips I am surrendering to power within, releasing all fear, resistance and pain.

Sexual Healing

A further option is to seek some training in sexual healing for both yourself and your partner with a practitioner you trust, which addresses both the psychological, emotional and energetic release of what you are holding in your body. This is something Annette is intimately familiar with herself and knows the power that sexual healing offers- read her story of healing sexual shame. Check out her Power of Yoni Workshop and Sexual Healing page.

If you would like to find out more about tantric sexual healing email her at info@oztantra.com or call 1800 623 262 to make an appt.

For more on Vulvodynia, physiotherapy for the pelvic floor and/or Naturopathic treatments check out Equilibria where I highly recommend Alyssa Tait

Sexual Healing – Annette’s Journey of healing sexual shame

March 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Annette’s journey of sexual healing

My journey of sexual healing shame has been a powerful, at times painful, yet always rewarding one, for which I have much gratitude. As I’ve healed my shame I’ve identified the associated limiting beliefs about myself that were holding me back in being open and loving towards myself and others. It’s also given me greater self knowledge to create more of what I want in my life, rather than what I don’t. It’s allowed me to access greater sexual pleasure and heights of ecstasy that I hadn’t even dreamed of, which I really enjoy sharing with my loving partner Graeme. Working with sexual energy has also given me access to a personal pathway to spirituality which I use in meditation, making love and for simple but profound moments of connecting to spirit in every day life.

My early self beliefs

When I was growing up, like a large proportion of the community, I was sexually abused. I was an older child at the time, and the abuse was imposed by two people I knew. They were minor encounters but the effect of them was life changing, the energy of sexual shame is so powerful. I created three beliefs in response to these two events. One that I was “bad” in a way that I couldn’t understand but felt to my core. Secondly, that I was powerless to speak up and no one could help me, which caused me to become even more reluctant to express myself than the shy child I already was. Thirdly, that “I should have known better,” so beginning a life of readily taking on guilt, and over responsibility for everything in my life.

Beginnings of change

In my forties I developed an interest in personal growth, wanting to make some changes in the many areas of my life that weren’t working for me. Surprisingly to me at the time, part of this growth turned out to be sharing my experiences of abuse with a supportive group of people and healing, through conscious witnessing, the feelings attached to them. This process helped me to identify the beliefs I had formed as a result of these experiences and how to recognise where they were still operating, unhelpfully, in my life. This was the beginning of reclaiming what I had lost in myself. I had no idea it would lead me to sexual healing!

Learning about sexuality

The next step was deciding to consciously embrace myself as a sexual being and explore what that meant for me. This included things as simple as allowing myself to feel any sexual feelings that came along and enjoy them for what they were, rather than shutting them down, or taking on shame messages about myself for having them. And wearing some flowing skirts, feeling soft, feminine and sensual (and somehow vulnerable at first). I even occasionally went without knickers to enhance the effect and let go of the “stories” that came into my mind about how bad I was! Another thing I did was to dance for myself, making sensual, then sexual movements with my pelvis, freeing up this area of my body that had become locked up into stiffness and pain, feeling and releasing the shame as I went.

Relationship challenge

Then I took a more complex step of choosing to get into relationship with a new man in my life, when after the ending of a 20yr marriage 18 months prior, I felt more like withdrawing, staying single and safe. Graeme was, and is, someone who really enjoys the sexual side of life and this was a real challenge for me. As my journey entwined with his I was given the opportunity to act out my sexual feelings in the heady excitement a new relationship brings. I was being encouraged to not only have sex, but give myself permission to enjoy it to the max as never before. I’m happy to say I did!

Oh no!

Some months down the track I began to develop a reoccurrence of pain in my yoni (vagina) during sex, which I had experienced during the later stages of my marriage. This was not what I wanted at this time, let me tell you! But try as I/we might, there it was. It turned sex from bliss to a highly emotionally charged and painful event, very difficult for both of us. Avoiding it didn’t help. Nor did any medical investigations, psychology sessions, creams, medications to numb the pain, relaxation techniques, lubricants or other treatments ad infinitum. One Dr even suggested cutting the lining of my yoni and stretching it to cover up the painful bits- I retreated in horror. There had to be another way.

Tantra and sexual healing

Discovering tantra and sexual healing taught me that the way forward in this situation was to have the courage to go through it, not avoid it. That my pain was there to challenge me to fully embrace my sexual (and ultimately spiritual) self. So with the loving support of my beloved Graeme (who has his own journey in this as you can imagine) I have discovered a way through. By continuing to open to my sexual energy, through tantric lovemaking and sexual healing practices, telling myself it is ok to feel sexual pleasure, consciously witnessing the feelings as they come up to be healed, and by discovering and removing any layers of resistance my pain has slowly resolved. As those of you who have been on a conscious healing path will know, many opportunities will come up when you are seeking to heal, and I learned to trust myself to take up any which seemed like they would provide a pathway to remove any pockets of shame or pain- even if the “how” didn’t always become clear until I was actually into it. Through loving, respectful, honouring and sacred practices I have learned to allow myself to feel as much pleasure as it is possible for me to feel, as I have a right to feel. I am slowly learning to love and trust myself and others, as a sexual being, then as a human being, and finally as a spiritual being, able to truly open myself to love.

This is the abridged version of my journey here and the journey continues.

For any of you who may be considering sexual healing any for your sexual shame, which I believe we all carry at some level, then take heart and dive in. Your journey will be different to mine, but I assure you, if you persist you will find that it is worth it.

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