Female Sexuality Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Getting to know the stranger

January 25, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Listening with curiosity rather than judgement…

It’s human nature to get into habits…

And these habits are also a way of avoiding living constantly in the unfamiliar, which can be highly stressful for some…

In relationship, habits can work both for and against us.

Creating habits does work for us in the building of unique little rituals only we share, creating feelings of connection.

Some habits can also work against us, in creating and allowing unhealthy relationship patterns, such as taking our partners for granted.

Habits like taking our partners for granted can be a fast track to relationship boredom and dissatisfaction.

Here is how it can happen, and that it is also possible to learn embodied listening with curiosity as a way out of boredom and into fascination.

In new relationship there seems to be so much to talk about.

In the bubble of new love you’re completely fascinated by each other, literally hanging on each other’s words.

You’re fully engaged in the moment with them, hours seem to disappear, making time seem meaningless.

If you think back on it, you were probably not only hearing their words you also noticed their facial expressions, the nuances of their body language, subliminal messaging and even their tone of voice.

Your own body was involved in the conversation as well, feeling tinglings of excitement, an openness and an aliveness that felt totally engaging.

But after a while it begins to seem as if you’ve heard it all before.

You assume there’s nothing new coming and your interest level wanes.

It becomes easier to check out the TV, Facebook or your emails rather than give your partner your full disconnected couple attention.

You believe you know what this once fascinating person is going to say before they even open their mouths and quickly start to tune out and think of other things.

It’s the same thing with your own sharings, you think they’ve heard you all before, that they’ll be assuming they know it all and that you will have little new to say.

Sharing becomes a bore and you wonder where has the spark gone?

But the spark hasn’t really disappeared, it’s just that where you’re coming from in your listening isn’t creating or allowing the spark to ignite.

You’re listening to your significant other from your intellectual self, where your judgements and assumptions come easily.

Are you judging your partner based on the past rather than experiencing them fully in the now, as you used to do ?

Are you assuming you know what the other’s talking, rather than actually listening to what they are trying to communicate?

This becomes an assumption that you know everything about who the other person is, and listening to answer, rather than listening to actually hear and feel into what they trying to communicate.

You might actually know who they’ve been, but you don’t know who they’re being right now if you’re not truly listening, and miss out on seeing their growth and change.

And you’ll miss who they’re becoming as it hasn’t happened yet.

Don’t you want to be there to find out?

The information they’re sharing may be the same as they (or you) have shared before.

But this person has lived more of their life since the last time they shared and their life experience makes the different.

They may be in a different space emotionally or energetically.

Don’t just listen to the story and assume you know all about it, and therefore all about them (which is not only Creating Safety in Intimacy limiting it is also shaming).

Do yourself a favour and see your spouse in this moment as a whole new being you’ve never met before.

Do all those things you used to do without thinking, put all of your attention onto who they are being right now, observe rather than judge, listen with your body, listen with your heart rather than your head, feel into them as well as hear them.

Ask open questions, inviting more of them to emerge..

Ask opening questions that invite deeper sharing such as ‘how was that for you?’ or ‘can you tell me more about that?’

This spark of curiosity in you allows previously unforseen questions to arise in you so you can ask them.

All this extra information will be totally new and interesting as it has never happened before in exactly this way.

The same is true for you, you’re different from the person you were when you last heard this information. What is it that you are noticing in yourself?

Relationships are either growing or dying

One of the things that stops us from fully seeing or listening with our whole self is that we may feel uncomfortable or have fear over what we may find.

We may hear our partner’s pain, feel their walls or maybe their lack of presence with us.

We’re tempted to make this about us but the skill is in seeing that where they’re at is about them.

How we perceive them is about us.

If you can separate yourself from them and hear, see and feel them as a multi layered, unique being at this particular moment in their own world, having their own experience from a place of curiosity you will find a fascination that never leaves.

Offering our presence in this way can allow our significant other to share more openly as well.

There’s nothing like an engaged, available listener to inspire a person to new heights.

After all, isn’t that what used to happen?

Your partner will feel seen, heard and even loved, unconsciously inviting the same from them.

Yet this is about being curious for ourselves, to create our own satisfying relationship experiences rather than expecting anything in return, for expectations deny possibilities.

Practice: Experience your next conversation with your partner as above rather than just listening with your intellect and see what happens!

Sexual Healing

February 11, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sexual Healing, the Myth…

As a man, and a sexual male who is in a long term and committed relationship, I find it challenging to hear and read the current debate around sexual healing by male “healers” with women.

With this in mind, I have decided to speak out as a professional who works with men and women, both singles and those in long term relationships.

Sexual Healing Sessions

I have had many sessions with men and women, both as couples and singles, and most importantly on my own or with my partner Annette.

Either way, always following up with debriefing about my experience with her.

I am also speaking from my place in my long term relationship with Annette, who is my lover, teacher, critic and business partner.

How I show up with her is my measure in how I am with a client, as it is also with her and her clients.

The relationship we share is a powerful space of deep clarity, challenge and compassion, and a gift that we both bring into our work.

We are “owner operators” in every sense of the phrase…..

Don’t get me wrong, I have on many occasions had sessions that involved varying degrees of nakedness and sexual touch.

One thing that I have not heard, in any of this “debate” around male sexual healers, is just how powerful a sexual healing experience can be for a woman, where she is fully clothed and not being physically touched.

How would it be, for you as woman to feel safe, and sexual in a way that is invited by a space that is clear, intense and healing?

Where the healing is in simply experiencing a deeply personal loving open hearted man in his sexuality, without personal agenda?

Where the opening is to herself rather than to the man, in a space held by clear masculine presence ?

“The myth is that sexual healing must involve nakedness or sexual touch, even sexual penetration”.

In fact, I believe the exact opposite is true in most cases.

Sexual Healing is not about sex

It is healing simply for a woman to be penetrated by clear masculine sexual heart presence while remaining fully clothed and not being physically touched.

In this space of not having sex, but in feeling her sexuality opening deeply as she opens her heart to herself, especially in a space held by deeply personal and loving masculine heart space.

Experiencing the difference between “universal” love and “deeply personal” love is a big part of what sexual healing is about, particularly while being held by clear healthy masculine presence, and this is not about having sex or even being sexual.

How many women have opened their hearts, only to have it quickly closed down by unconscious sex ?

Remembering, that most women have been hurt by unconscious men, and in too many cases, this masculine shadow or unconsciousness can also be cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Abuse can happen when the woman opens to the healer rather than herself and is where she may loose herself and be susceptible to being taken advantage of.

Especially when she is moving towards her sexual empowerment and freedom.

Opening to herself

Clothed or not, a woman opening to herself will soon feel and tell a man with a hidden agenda where to go with it!

Over the years through our work, I have had many conversations with men “desiring” to learn the art of sexual healing and with out exception my direction with them is to learn about their own sexual heart connection first.

How many women out there want to do something sexually empowering for themselves, but don’t want to have to bare their souls to more of the same, especially if it is even more cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Increasingly, people and particularly women have become fed up with the co dependancy that has plagued the modern Tantra movement and are expecting more depth and clarity from their experiences.

As a woman, simply trust your feelings first and foremost, and seek out a session that brings YOU in touch with your own awareness, coming into your feeling body and your heart, then from that place, connecting with what it is that you desire for yourself.

Mind Blowing Oral Sex

January 26, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

For truly enjoyable, even inspiring Oral Sex

Forget about the best oral sex techniques you read in Cosmo or Men’s Health…

It’s not so much what or how you give and receive oral, but most importantly where you’re coming from when you’re giving it…

And, this is not another on of those “Sex Tip articles with 10 instant success techniques”….

Instead, we’re going to explore where you’re coming from when you’re going down, and how that may look…

What doesn’t work:

The Performer:

This lover is not actually giving you head they’re taking from you…they’re making you feel good so they can too. they want to give you such a great orgasm (whether you really enjoy it or not) that their view of themselves as a hot lover is reaffirmed. Afterwards you can feel taken from rather than given to.

The Juice Extractor:

These lovers are all about the agenda- the oral sex is for one reason and one reason only- it’s the warm up for the ‘real’ sex act of penetration. So their actions are always done with a focus of getting somewhere else that’s better and as a result they drain all the juice out of the ‘right now’ moment for both you and themselves.

The Mr or Ms Technique:

Some lovers are more sensitive but still focussed on the right techniques to get the job done rather than for the pure enjoyment of the act itself. The thing about the being totally technique based is that you can feel your lovers ‘detachment’, there is no real intimacy exchanged. No matter how good the technique is something is missing.

Mr or Ms Clueless:

This is the lover that has absolutely no idea what to do, perhaps from a lack of experience, some negative experiences or simply a fear of inadequacy. As a result they’re disconnected from their bodies and running fear based stores in their minds about what will go wrong, rather than being present with their lover.

The Faker:

This lover doesn’t have much idea how to go about oral love but they pretend they do and bull doze their way through, resulting in a less than satisfactory experience for both. Or they pretend they want to be there when they really don’t, with the same results.

The Do Gooder:

This is the needy or insecure lover who gives oral sex in order to get approval, love and attention from you, without which their sense of self is absent. Again, they are not really present in the act with you, they’re in their heads waiting for the love and approval to show up from you.

The Bookkeeper:

Your ‘Oh My God’ of pleasure is another score in the tally book for this lover who is always keeping tabs on who has given and who has received what. It may sound loving to want to keep the balance between giving and receiving equal but it ends up as a barter system with a “If you give me this then I’ll give you that” system which is anything but productive of genuine pleasure.

The Master Controller:

“I’m going to have and orgasm no matter what, I just have to try hard enough to make it happen”. This lover is desperate for pleasure and is going for it no matter what. And their mind oriented and control focussed approach will be doing two things: creating a tiring experience for the lover doing their best to support them and limiting their own capacity for pleasure. Because really big pleasure does not come from a place of mind control- nice orgasms can but the eye rolling, head back, screaming, shuddering full body and beyond orgasm comes only from surrender of the mind to the body and even the heart.

And, what good loving oral sex can look and feel like…

Any “master lover’s” oral technique starts way before they get to the coalface of their partner’s genitals. Their mindset is one of being really into pleasure, seeing it as play, joy, delight and a mutual exchange of energies.

Where giving and receiving blend into moments of pure enjoyment.

Where giving becomes receiving and receiving is an act of giving. Their focus is on letting go into the moment, surrendering their minds to their hearts and bodies, delighting in their senses.

They are not focussing on controlling their lover but offering to, teasing and savouring their lusciousness. Knowing they are making love to the whole person, not just a set of genitals.

With this approach the likely outcomes are:

The Master Oral Lover will enjoy themselves hugely and feel like they have received as much as given.

Their lover will feel seen, felt, ‘gotten’ as never before.

Technique becomes less important.
The two main techniques are:
1. Connecting with their own body first, breathing deeply, feeling their own heart and arousal, letting the love and arousal course gently through them so it will ‘resonate’ in their lover.

For woman receiving, it is important to start as far from the centre of her genitals as possible, slowly making your way to her clitoris, or her sex centre. And for man receiving, including or connecting with his lingam or cock early, but spreading your touch away or out to include other areas to broaden his focus of pleasure and encourage his awareness of pleasure sensations through out the rest of his body.

No matter what happens later, the master oral Lover is present right now in this moment as the main event rather than the entree.

It is important for both, particularly the receiver, to focus on breathing.

While the giver is creating variety, teasing and taking time combining moving in really close with intensity then moving away again.

A master oral lover will instinctively want to include their lovers belly, thighs, breasts and butts in their touch.

As well as the pubic bone, perineum, and her outer and inner vaginal lips.

Balls and perineum for men and perhaps the anus for both (remembering hygiene if your touching your woman’s vagina afterwards).

An attentive oral lover will also intuitively feel the value of long, continued strokes when it’s feeling really good for their lover.

They make occasional eye contact, letting their lover know that they’re really with them.

They encourage their lover to breathe deeply into the pleasure, breathing short and fast for intensity and alternating with deep and slow for spreading the pleasure through their body.

Doing their own occasional pelvic floor contractions to stimulate their own sexual energy and imagine it flowing through them.

An attentive oral lover will know the value of including their hands on surrounding areas as mentioned above as well as the vaginal opening, her gpsot and the shaft of the lingam/cock.

An attentive oral lover will surrender into the moment and into their heart, which will hold and support their lover into receiving while letting go and surrendering deeper into their own heart connected pleasure.

Enjoy…..

A Guide to Breast Appreciation

September 22, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

Well, if it’s not official, we’re declaring it Breast Appreciation Week!

And to do so we’re offering A Guide to Breast Appreciation for both women and the men who love them…

A Woman’s Breasts are the Pathway to her Heart

Have you as a woman ever stopped to think about your breasts? It’s very likely that your lovers have given them some undivided attention, whether it has been in lovemaking, in that hot new outfit or as you’re brushing your teeth naked in the bathroom…

Your relationship to your own breasts is a powerful indicator of your relationship to your heart, and even to yourself.

Do you think of your breasts from an external point of view? How they look, whether, as you wiggle them into their underwire or push up bra, they match up to the socially approved images? Or do you pause for a moment and remember how they may have nurtured your children? Or with a smile how they’re appreciated by your lovers and the degree of pleasure they give?

Perhaps you appreciate them for the amount of pleasure they give you? As the nipples rise to peaks of excitement, sending a direct line of pleasure to the clitoris do you see your breasts mainly as a source of pleasure, a beginning place to stimulate other parts of the body?

Do you ever relate to your breasts from inside of yourself ie. feeling them from the inside out? Do you notice how connect your breasts feel to your heart? Do you notice how when your heart is open your breasts become more sensitive, even fuller and rounder? Have you ever felt your breasts expressing the language of your heart? Perhaps you have experienced your breasts as totally numb, feeling little? This is a common occurrence as our breasts respond to where we have hardened our hearts in life. But they can be reawakened with loving touch.

Breast Appreciation Ritual

Set aside 10-15mins to fully appreciate your breasts as part of your womanly, feminine self. Let them be naked, free of restraint. Touch with gentleness and caress them with love, starting from the outside and slowly working towards the nipples. Touch with appreciation and without an agenda to make anything happen. Breathe into them and feel the feelings that arise. Imagine your heart underneath and notice the degree of connection you feel between both, without judgement. Complete with just holding them in each hand in stillness.

Notice how your relationship to your breasts, your heart and yourself can change after this simple self love meditation.

Breast Appreciation for Men

Men, know that your woman’s breasts are a gateway to her heart and her heart is the key to her fully awakened sexuality. Let her know how much you appreciate this part of her. Tell her often how beautiful they are to you. Touch them with reverence as well as lust. Start with gentle touch around the outsides, hold and feel the weight of them in your hands, touch the space between her breasts with the palm of your hand, melt it onto her heart. Slowly moving to the centre of her breasts. Move towards and away from the nipples, blow warm/cool air over them, lick, kiss, suck gently then harder. Feel your woman’s response to gauge your touch. Woman breastfeeding

Nb. If your woman is breastfeeding check in with her as to the degree of touch she is open to, sometimes she can a bit of overwhelm with too much going on for them.

And ladies remember you don’t need to wait for your lover to touch them, it is OK for you to caress them in self pleasuring and lovemaking yourself, don’t miss out on this important part of your whole body arousal.

A Sexually Empowered Woman

August 29, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

What Does a Sexually Empowered Woman Look Like?

This question came up after reflecting on my sexual journey over the years and writing it has stunned me to see all the benefits I have found in embracing this part of myself. I am not all of these all the time but I have definitely experienced many such moments of each.
Do any of them resonate with you?

A sexually empowered woman is: (in no particular order)

She is comfortable in her skin, in her body and at ease with who she is in the world.

Her self esteem is not related to men’s (or anyone’s) opinion of her.

She makes her own choices and does not need to conform to the roles required of her by others.

She has deep friendships with women and relates to them as sisters rather than competitors.

She is without the need to compete with other women for attention from men.

She can enjoy feelings of sexual arousal that may arise within her through contact with another knowing that she can fully embrace these feelings of warm, melting, tingling aliveness without needing to act on them , unless it is right for her to do so.

She doesn’t perform in sex , instead experiences it fully as an expression of herself, whoever she is in that moment- maiden, lover, wild woman, slut, healer, Goddess and many more.

She has her own inner moral code that she can trust without needing to rely on external rules of behaviour.

She buys clothes and lingerie to enjoy for herself rather than to impress or manipulate others.

She doesn’t have to dress sexy (although she can!) because she IS sex and she knows it.

She has an open heart that sees sex as an expression of love rather than being separate from it.

She is connected with her own body and is able to touch herself sensually, sexually and with love.

She releases shame from her body by owning it as an instrument of love and pleasure.

She doesn’t limit herself to genital pleasure but experiences it in every part of her body.

She nurtures it by eating well, exercising regularly and attending to its needs.

She has a relationship with the wisdom of her Yoni (vulva/vagina/womb) and takes the time to listen to Her messages.

She sees sexuality as a power within herself rather than a power over others to manipulate or dominate them with.

She knows the feeling of freedom that comes from within.

She experiences an expansion in herself as well as pleasure in her sex.

She is creative, playful, spontaneous and intuitive.

She will leave you feeling sated, energized, nurtured, inspired and loved.

She knows that love will arise in all moments of full presence in intimacy with another and accepts the magic of this without needing to attach any further meaning to it.

She chooses to breathe consciously when making love, to ground, connect and expand her awareness and pleasure.

She heart openly embraces her inner slut, not allowing the shame of her conditioning to stop her.

She is not afraid to talk about sex.

She knows there is a time for sex and time without it.

She is willing to feel everything– pleasure, emotion, bliss, pain and love for they are all pathways to herself.

She is not afraid to feel the pain of rejection.

She lets go the stories from her conditioning around sex knowing they come from shame and fear.

She is clear and respectful in her desires and boundaries. If she is not clear she will be willing talk to you about it.

She does not attract men who are abusive, controlling, manipulative, shaming, disempowered or otherwise unconscious as they are afraid to approach her clear, grounded power.

She is not afraid of having a good time, of creating a good time for all, not just for herself simply by being who she is.

She has a good understanding of her body from hours of practice in self pleasuring and is able to ask clearly for what she wants.

She doesn’t expect her lover to everything for her.

She is able to open herself in lovemaking and actively receive her lovers touch, increasing the pleasure for both.

She is able to greatly enjoy giving her lover pleasure without giving herself away.

She knows to nurture herself with her sexual energy by moving it up through her body where it nurtures and awakens her.

She is not afraid of intensity in her feelings.

She seeks to enjoy her yearnings and longings for another rather than suffer in them.

If she desires sex she becomes it, so there is no further need to desire.

She knows the power of sex to heal, nurture and awaken.

She sees sexuality as a part of spirituality, her very aliveness, part of the world’s big mystery.

She can equally participate in a really earthy fuck, a loving and gentle caress or moments of divine union. In fact she likes a little of each!

She comes to her partner as a loving equal wanting to share and create together.

She will demand a safe, respectful space to make love in and if she doesn’t feel safe she is willing to help create safety or leave where this is not possible.

She will not seek to own her lover and if she feels jealous she will see it is because she has stepped away from her connection with herself and will come back to herself again.

She will want you to go deep with her, as deep as she can go with herself.

She will want you to fuck her from an open heart, as that is what she will be doing with you.

She will be a Goddess not a Princess.

She IS radiant beauty and power.

She can have one lover or many but she will make it a choice.

She will crack your heart open with her capacity for vulnerability and surrender- to her own heart and to you.

If you crack she will hold you with the utmost presence and tenderness making it a moment of safety, love and joy.

She will be fully in relationship with herself, her sexuality and with love.

She will give to you, teach and change you just through being who she is, through bringing light to your own darkness.

If you would like to add more layers to your own sexual journey contact Annette on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Or join her for this event in Brisbane on Sept 5th

Sisters Doin It For Themselves

June 30, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are we as women blocking an important pathway to pleasure?

Is it time we became Sisters Doin It For Themselves?

In my younger years, my prevailing belief about a woman’s sexual pleasure was, to find the perfect lover who would magically make it all happen as he opened my body to unimaginable heights of pleasure with stars of love in my eyes. This belief is at least partially inspired by romance novels with lines like “He gazed passionately into her eyes before leaning in to kiss her, his tongue expertly caressing her depths, instantly awakening flames of passion deep inside of her” etc etc.

Women have been subtly (and not so subtly) conditioned by society to the idea that it is a man’s ‘job’ to ‘provide for his woman’, unconsciously encouraging her to see the male lover as the one holding the power and prowess in the bedroom. But does it have to be this way? One of my recent Hollywood idols (yes, there still lives a teenager inside me!) Matthew McConnaughey (think Magic Mike) was dethroned in a live interview on The Actors Studio (see You Tube) by his wife Camila when she stated she wished occasionally when Matthew was home that he behaved more like the ‘throw her against the wall and ravish her’ kind of guy he portrays in his movies! Matthew grins and agrees.

This is a good reminder that men are simply perfectly imperfect human beings, just like us, not necessarily Gods in the bedroom.

This deeply infectious conditioning is also supported by our biology, as our sexuality is experienced through the body’s autonomic nervous system. The challenge of the autonomic nervous system response is that it works largely beyond the mind’s conscious control where we can’t ‘will’ it to happen, as anyone trying to ‘force’ arousal or orgasm to happen very quickly discovers. This is where we as women have traditionally handed control of our pleasure, often idealized as the woman’s surrender, over to her lover.

Yet this idea of the man being the sole provider of our pleasure can be a very one hard to give up.

But ladies it is time to do exactly that if your attachment to this romantic scenario is getting in the way of your pleasure. For when you’re pining for the perfect partner who can effortlessly make it all happen you’re making yourself miserable over something that doesn’t actually exist.

There is no doubt about it, that we can experience our lovers as perfect at different times but it’s the idea that we need them to be like this always that gets in the way.

It’s very similar for a guy watching porn who fantasizes about the endlessly and effortlessly horny, wet and willing woman on the screen. If a woman believes she cannot experience pleasure without the perfect partner to do it for her, then she is totally giving her sexual power away. She is putting her focus and energy outside of herself and losing her voice to express what she wants and desires in the process.

In conscious lovemaking a woman really understands that pleasure is a co created experience and that she herself has much to bring. Women’s bodies take time, safety, relaxation and surrender, but can we also give it to ourselves? Where surrender is not so much to the skill of our lover but instead into surrender of our thinking minds to our feeling hearts and bodies, when we let go of trying, pushing, forcing and simply be in the moment open to pleasure arising.

Trusting, loving ourselves and our bodies, giving ourselves loving messages rather than critical self judgement. Feeling our own safety inside of us, wanting and desiring to be there and indirectly activating our autonomic nervous system whilst we’re at it!

When our partners are able to join us in this place of loving, wanting and desiring us, helping us feel loved, beautiful and safe it definitely enhances the impact of our efforts.

Yet if we are closed, untrusting of ourselves and our pleasure, physically tense and in self judgement, then the touch we experience literally feels much less pleasurable or maybe even intolerable.

The autonomic nervous system is very sensitive and requires nurturing. This is where it is important for us to know our own bodies, to be familiar with them through self pleasure, to not only know what they are capable of, but to love spending time there because if we are unwilling to spend time with ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to?

In lovemaking with another it is absolutely OK to include touching your own body, for the pure pleasure of it, to co create.

If we’re not hoping or demanding that he totally looks after us, then the more your lover can soften and drop into his own feeling body, opening his own heart, deepening his yumminess and his presence with us, sharing the role of lover and co creating the experience.

Ways to claim your sexual power and enhance your pleasure:

Take the time to stop, breathe, relax, connect with your own feeling body at the beginning.
Trust that if you can be fully present in your body and open to whatever pleasure may arise then pleasure will happen. This trust activates your autonomic nervous system to do its magical work.
Drop trying to perform as it will take you away from where you want to be.
Believe how you are is perfect right now. Focus on how you feel rather than how you look.
Allow self touch to be part of your lovemaking, not as a fallback position but as a joy. If your partner sees you he will likely be inspired to join in, once he knows it works for you.
Connect with your heart, be how you are rather than how you think you (or your lover) thinks you should be.
Allow any emotions to be felt, even if they feel inappropriate to the moment- as feeling them opens up new pathways to pleasure. Breathe, feel and allow.