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Sex Is Not the Ultimate of Pleasure…

May 3, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

So says the Guru Osho
(who didn’t get a lot of things right, but about sex he was definitely a master.)

It is the beginning.

It is not the bliss supreme

But an echo of itwomen's pleasure

Sex is

one of the most

sacred things

because it is

through sex

that life arrives

And it is through sex

that you can penetrate to

the very source

of existence.

What are you doing with the gift of sex in your life?

Does it unconsciously control your life?

Is it controlling you in the way you need to be constantly thinking about, or managing it? Are you using it as a form of relief from your life, from yourself?

Are you giving yourself permission to discover all of your sexual desires?

Are you having moments of feeling free in throwing off your sexual repressions?

Giving yourself permission to be free from the control of your social/sexual conditioning?

Perhaps discovering something that society doesn’t allow- the freedom of just being yourself in sex?

Feeling relieved, lighter and grateful as a result?

Then not being able to wait until you can do it all over again?


Or are you using it as a true tantra practice?

Tantra
There is no right or wrong.

It is the choices that you make.

 

What is it you seek?

 

Sex as a meditation where sex is just the beginning? Where you come to the deepest possibility in it. Where you can transcend it. Where in deep sexual orgasm it is not sex that gives you the bliss. You see that sex is just the situation and that something else is giving you the euphoria and the ecstasy.

“Tantra says that it is a truth that sexual energy is the basic energy,
an energy that should be transformed into higher forms.”

The truth behind the erotic sculptures outside temples

The temple of Khajuraho has beautiful statues in all sexual postures. It was a tantra school that made the temple and those statues. And the first thing the student had to do was to meditate on each statue – and they are arranged in such a way that from one corner you go around the temple in a circle. It may take six months, but you have to watch each statue until you can Tantric Sexualitysee it just as a statue with no sexuality in it – and it is in a sexual posture. But just in your watching it, seeing it for months, it becomes a pure piece of art; all pornography disappears. Then you move to another. And all the perversions of human mind have been put into the statues.

And when you have circled the whole temple, only then will the master allow you inside the temple. Those six months are of immense meditation and of tremendous release, all repressions gone: you are feeling absolutely light. Then the master allows you in. And inside the temple there is no sexual statue; inside the temple there is nothing – emptiness.

Then the master teaches you how to go deeper into your meditation which has arisen in the six months, and now you can go very deep because there is no hindrance, no problem, no sexuality. And this going deep into meditation with no sexual disturbance means the sexual energy is moving with the meditation, not against it. That’s how it is transformed and takes higher forms.   -Osho. Taken from The Path of the Mystic, Chapter 38

Most of us in the west are not ready for this true kind of tantra.

 

We are still enmeshed with the perversion of sex, the deliciousness of it as it is, without seeking transcendence through it.

We are not ready to leave it yet.

For some of us it has taken us a long time to get here and we want to enjoy it more.

We are so used to being controlled by external forces. We do not realise that we have a choice in controlling the most powerful force- sexual energy.

 

Yet it is entirely blissful when we can be in our sexual energy but not controlled by it.

 

When we can be at choice in it.

Not needing, grasping, struggling.

Non attached.

Allowing.

Expanding.Doing some Sexploration

Surrendering.

Neither indulging or repressing.

Each moment dying to the past

and being born anew.

In freedom from all mind constructs,

Freedom from all mind games,

Freedom from all structures,

Freedom from the other

Finding the something more

That is the key towards the divinity.

If you would like to begin the path of finding more in your sexuality

 

Take some moments to pause in your sexual experiences. Whether you are making love with another, or self pleasuring.

Close your eyes, or look softly down.

Simply notice what you are experiencing.

Notice what feelings, sensations, awarenesses are present and allow them to be.

Notice what attachments, desires and limitations are present and allow them to be.

Breathe more deeply.man meditating

Allow

Let go

Surrender

Simply be.

Notice any shifts that happen within you.

Whether you call them divine or not, be open to what is.

 

If you would like to learn some tantric practices to take you beyond sex contact us here.

Are You Letting Unexamined Myths Run your Sex Life?

March 29, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We all have beliefs about sex.

Beliefs that have come from our families, our culture, our religion, the media and from our own experiences.

Any thought that you think repeatedly over a period of time and believe to be true (whether it is or not) is considered a belief.

Beliefs that have often been around so long you have stopped questioning them…

Or perhaps you’ve never questioned them.

We say that it is always a good time to question your beliefs. To work out whether they are true. It’s even better to work out if they are working for you, or against you. Knowing what benefits they provide, what limitations they may create.

Discussing your beliefs can be a great way of building depth, understanding and connection in your relationship too.

We offer 25 common beliefs here to give you a starting point.

Belief 1: Men and women’s genitals are totally different and there are only two types. Not actually true. Our genitals begin in the womb exactly the same and only differentiate at 6 weeks. The Y chromosome then develops and sends the male genitals to the outside. It’s why some people are born with a mixture of genitalia, as the individuation happens uniquely. This is also how women have a whole lot of arousal tissue under their labia, have a prostate and are able to ejaculate.

Belief 2: The clitoris consists of this little button at the top of a woman’s labia and that is all. The clitoris has now been found to have legs that extend from the head, or the glans of the clitoris. They extend down either side of the vagina, underneath the labia. Which makes arousal of the whole vulva area important to female pleasure.

Belief 3: Girls are born with an intact hymen that is ruptured by the penis during her first intercourse. When in fact the hymen comes in many shapes at birth, some intact, some with holes and some virtually non existent. Nothing to do with penetration, and to do with all sorts of negative consequences in some cultures. Bleeding during first sex is often more about roughness and a lack of lubrication, than a breaking of the hymen.

Belief 4: Before the full understanding of conception and the role of semen and sperm, men were thought to have nothing to with the creation of children. Women were thought to create babies all on their own.

Belief 5: Men are capable of having only one orgasm, and that this orgasm can only happen at the same time as they ejaculate. Even that orgasm and ejaculation ARE the same thing. Men have been found to orgasm and ejaculate separately, just the way women can both orgasm and ejaculate separately.

Belief 6: Masturbating whilst in a relationship means that you aren’t sexually interested in your partner. Not true at all. Masturbating can happen for many reasons- the partner is unavailable, or the persona is maintaining their most important sexual relationship- the one that begins with themselves from which all others spring from.

porn user

Belief 7: Men think about sex much more than women, every 7 seconds to be exact. Not true. Research discredits this persistent stereotype, which would amount to more than 8,000 thoughts about sex in 16 waking hours. In one study, the median number of young men’s thought about sex stood at almost 19 times per day. Young women in the study reported a median of nearly 10 thoughts about sex per day. Men and women in the study thought about food almost as much!

Belief 8: Women’s bodies are always hairless with tucked neatly tucked in labia… this has become a porn based myth that is not true. Having genital hair is a personal choice and labia come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours, and all are normal.

Belief 9: Sex is only good when you have an orgasm. The truth is determined by each individual couple. Some may include the degree of intimacy as a higher priority.

Belief 10: A man needs to have an erection to feel sexual pleasure. We’ve been in a room full of men in full bodied orgasm without an erection in sight. And a woman doesn’t need to be wet to be aroused.

Belief 11: The female GSpot doesn’t exist. Yes this one is still around. With just as many studies showing that the urethral sponge (GSpot) does exist, as does female ejaculation. It can just take time to awaken.

Belief 12: The size of the man’s penis determines the quality of the sex. Totally not true. It’s what he does with it that counts. It also depends on the size of the head, and even the angle of the penis. Good sex is also determined by the degree of female arousal. This is because arousal helps swell clitoral/vaginal tissues making them feel more snug. Even the tone of the pelvic floor muscles can make a difference.

For your information a review by the British Urology journal confirmed that (in Caucasian men at least):

  1. The average flaccid length of a penis is 3.6 ins/9.1 cms.
  2. The average circumference of a flaccid penis is 3.7 ins/9.4 cms.
  3. The average erect length of a penis is 5.1 ins/12.9 cms.
  4. The average circumference of an erect penis is 4.5 ins/11.4 cms

Belief 13: Female ejaculation is urine. The presence of prostatic hormones in ejaculation fluid show that it is chemically different to urine. Although at times it can be more chemically similar, especially if there is a lot of emotion going on, it is not the same. Ejaculation also comes from the prostate, not the bladder.

Belief 14: Orgasm and climax are the same thing. We say no, so do various studies. Of course, confusingly, some studies say they are the same. The typical definition of an orgasm is a peak of physical pleasure. One that is accompanied by pelvic floor muscle contractions, and for men the release of semen. Endorphins and oxytocin are released into the bloodstream. This is followed by a refractory period where no further arousal is possible. We would describe this as a climax. We find that orgasm can be defined as any experience of pleasure that expands through the body. And it’s accompanied by some sort of mind shift. A mind shift that makes us feel as if we are somehow different to how we were before. Our state will have changed. We have perhaps become more relaxed, more at peace, more open hearted, more connected etc.

Belief 15: Male sexuality is biological, female sexuality is psychological. We see that given the space, men bring a deep psychological and vulnerable aspect to their sexuality just like women do. It’s just that they are so often conditioned out of it and not given permission to express it. Ask any man who has been sexually rejected. And sex is often the only way a man can experience tenderness, softness, surrender, closeness, touch and affection in a culturally acceptable way.

Belief 16: Male sexuality is predatory in nature. Relationship therapist Esther Perel says in her experience it is the fear of being predatory that controls male sexuality more. For a man in relationship, seeing that he is pleasing his woman is such a turn on. Because it confirms that he is not hurting her, his deepest fear. Esther says women don’t have this fear. Women more often have a sense of caretaking. Taking care of her man before she can fully abandon herself to her own pleasure. She worries more about not pleasing him, than desiring to feel his pleasure.

Belief 17: Vaginal orgasms are the proper way for a woman to orgasm. Over 70% of women orgasm via the clitoris. She can often learn to orgasm vaginally, but it is not required. Mutual orgasms at the same time aren’t either. They’re nice when they happen but not worth pushing for.

Belief 18: It’s pathological if a man wants a lot of sex. It’s no more pathological than if a woman wants lots of romance or intimacy. Sex is his love language.

Belief 19: Women don’t like sex as much as men. They don’t want to initiate sex or be more in the active, rather than the passive role, in sex. And women are not as sexually adventurous as men. None of these are essentially true. Women have just been conditioned out of them for a few thousand years – good girls don’t, and girls who do are sluts. Given permission, which is happening more often these days, women can enjoy and seek sex just as much as a man.

Belief 20: Watching porn makes a man more likely to cheat on his spouse. In fact, the opposite has been found to be true.

Belief 21: If a man enjoys sexual touch by another man, or enjoys anal sex it makes him gay or bisexual. Same goes for a woman enjoying pleasure with another woman. These labels don’t apply unless you want them to.

Belief 22: Women want less sex as they get older. More often they want better sex as they get older. They do not peak sexually in their 30’s, they can peak at any age. It’s much more about how comfortable they feel with their bodies, themselves and their sexuality.

Belief 23: If a man loses his erection in sex it means he thinks his partner is not sexually attractive. A man can lose his erection for any number of reasons. Such as drinking too much, fatigue, stress about work or money, relationship issues or even past abuse issues. The same can be true for a woman who doesn’t orgasm during sex, it is not always about the skill of her lover.

Belief 24: Women are not as visually stimulated as men. Not true, again this is a symptom of their conditioning, they have simply shut it down.

Belief 25: Men who watch porn prefer it over sex with their partner. This is like comparing apples and oranges, they are two different things. If he IS preferring porn to sex with his partner, there is something else going on. As shown in the well researched book Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure by David Ley. Just like there is no officially such a thing as a sex addiction, something else is going on.

You can add even more of your own beliefs to explore.

Any thought that you think repeatedly that has a positive or a limiting impact on your sexual experience is worth exploring.

A Soft Cock: to Love or Not to Love?

February 23, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

A Soft Cock.

Most men have had a few in their lives.

This limpness is often looked upon with a good deal of fear, frustration and shame.We all carry sexual shame

Because the necessity of a hard, erect, even rampant cock in sex is deeply entrenched in the masculine psyche.

It’s also deeply entrenched in the feminine psyche that an erect penis is the ultimate sign of female desirability. Leaving many women feeling rejected and ashamed when their partner’s erection is missing. Making it doubly hard for a man to deal with the loss of his ‘manhood’.

Into this scary picture strides Viagra

With an apparent solution, with men reaching for it in droves.

And it DOES provide a solution for the erection itself in many, but not all cases. Medical News Today says across many studies, between 43% and 83% of men who took Viagra had improved erections. (These rates varied depending on the cause of their ED and the dosage of Viagra being used.) In comparison, improved erections occurred in 10% to 24% of men who took a placebo (no active drug).

Yet as good as it has been Viagra is not the answer to all erection problems, as evidenced by studies revealing that Viagra and Cialis are quite effective drugs but 50% of people stop using them within a year, and 60-70% of people have some degree of dissatisfaction with them.

Contrary to popular belief, Viagra won’t make you feel interested in sex.

It typically won’t make you feel anything at all. The effects of Viagra are purely physical, not emotional or energetic. And we think this is the key to why men might stop using it.

Viagra is designed to improve your performance, that is your ability to get, and maintain, an erection. Viagra may produce a noticeable improvement in the general level of enjoyment you get from sex due to effects. Yet Viagra isn’t associated with any significant increase in your level of sexual interest, sexual arousal or your sex drive in general.

Viagra doesn’t seem to appear to have any effect on the way sex feels.

We believe that men lose interest in Viagra over time because they are rightly looking for something more than just performance. It won’t make you feel more stimulated during sexual activity, nor will it result in any positive or negative change in the level of sensation you feel. There’s also no research showing that Viagra causes more intense or satisfying orgasms.

Women also report that thought their man may have a long lasting erection she often can’t feel the man behind the erection. This is who she is ultimately looking to connect with inside of the sexual act. The part that brings closeness and a fulfilment that lies beyond physical satisfaction.

Sensation and pleasure in the whole body

This sensation and pleasure in the whole body, including the erection, is what brings the experience of connection and intimacy in sex.

So if you’re looking for more of this deeper satisfaction, it’s useful to take on the idea that a soft cock is not a ‘failure’. It’s an opportunity to feel more. To stop focussing on performing and start focusing on feeling, for BOTH lovers.

Because having an erection isn’t related to how much pleasure you can feel. We have been in a room full of men in full bodied, even multi orgasmic pleasure without an erection to be seen.  

We’ll repeat this because it can be hard to take in.

Having an erection ISN’T related to how much pleasure you can feel.

If an erection isn’t playing, choose instead to focus on some deep breathing, relaxing and full bodied touching, even snuggling and feeling in your belly and chest for your emotional feelings.  

Feeling into your heart, going it compassion and feeling it open.

Later you can focus on going within yourself and connecting to your body from the inside, as you relax and pleasure your cock from a place of enjoyment, rather than trying to get it up.

And give yourself time for your sexual pleasure to arise more fully into pleasure again.

Whilst fully enjoying what IS present in the meantime.

How to let go of being limited to your primal urges and social conditioning

You are more than your primal urges and social conditioning.

You can let go of being controlled by this part of you by:

  • Letting go of any stories about a lack of masculinity, or feminine desirability.
  • Choose not to buy into them when they show up, because show up they will.
  • Find the part of you in your body (not in your mind) that has been attached to them.
  • Have compassion for this part of you, feel what feelings are there, breathe through them.
  • Choose to honour and celebrate it.
  • Then scan your body for the part of you that ISN’T attached to your manhood being attached to your erection.
  • Notice what this part of you feels like, what are its qualities?
  • Choose to honour and celebrate it.male groin
  • Feel the part of you that IS attached to this part of you, and the part of you that isn’t. Then feel the part of you that has the choice between the two. Choose to visit this part of you often.
  • The female partner can do the same exploration of the part of her that is attached to the belief that if her lover doesn’t haven’t an erection she is not sexually desirable.

For more on this subject check out this article on erection problems.

And this TedTalk on creating extraordinary intimacy in a shutdown world, about the gift from having impotency after prostate cancer.

Wet does not always mean horny and dry does not always show disinterest.

February 7, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

This belief about wetness = horniness has been around sex for decades now.

It’s one that has totally messed with both women’s and men’s heads, by making them think something is wrong if it’s not happening.

It’s just not necessarily true.

The porn fallacy of wetness

This belief has been paraded around in pornography with women showing up wet and horny for sex no matter what the occasion.

Whether it’s for the car salesman who has just offered her a discount on her new Subaru if she’ll put out.

Or for the policeman who has offered to wave her ticket for a blowjob. Or it might be for the cowboy who has just turned up on his horse with a slow, lazy twang in his voice. (Hmm…that could work).

Women in porn are shown as hot and wet even in the hard core versions where there are no corny scenarios, they just get into it. (Which can sometimes be a relief to be honest…)

Romantic books and movies more subtly, yet still undeniably, hint at a woman’s readiness, assuming wetness. With lovers being able to get right into it without having to reach for the lube.

Being wet and hard is taken for the ultimate indicators of sexual readiness.

‘Getting wet’ is seen as important as ‘getting hard’ is, to the idea of sex. (Although less biologically necessary, like male nipples, but still very pleasurable.)

The really important thing to know about a woman’s state of lubrication is that it can be, and often is, separate to her desire for sex.

Just like a man’s erection can be.

Even though a man with an erection is rarely portrayed outside of a sexual context.

An erection can be stirred into being by sexual thoughts, or the proximity of a gorgeous woman.

At other times, especially during the painful teenage years, erections can arise at the most inopportune moments. Like wearing speedos at the school sports. They also happen two or three times a night with no sexual context at all, not even an erotic dream.

Even though this is rarely portrayed outside of a sexual context.

An erection is often stirred into being by sexual thoughts, or the proximity of a gorgeous woman.

At other times, especially during the painful teenage years, erections can arise at the most inopportune moments. Like wearing speedos at the school sports, or two or three times a night with no sexual context at all, not even an erotic dream.

Wetness and hardness are physiological responses.

We learn to relate them to sex.

They’re just not necessarily related to sexual desire, which is more complex.

How can wetness and hardness be a learned response?

For example, the last time you went to this restaurant you and your partner had great sex in the car going home. So, you feel a little aroused, and a little wet just ordering dinner there. Or, if you had been caught masturbating and shamed as a child you might not have a full erection when you feel aroused, in order to avoid the shame. Though in this case, you unlearn having an erection.

Men can be wet too.

It’s interesting to note here too that men also have sexual wetness. This is because both genders start out with exactly the same genitals in the womb.  They just get organized differently, according to their biochemistry during conception and foetal growth.

Women have lubricating glands at the mouth of the urethra, called Skene’s glands. These glands swell during sexual arousal making it difficult to pee during sex. They’re also believed to produce the fluid known as female ejaculate. (Now women have fluids that they ‘shouldn’t’ emit, such as urine, and fluids they ‘should’- wetness and ejaculate. What does my body want again?)

Men have corresponding glands found just below their prostate. These are called Cowper’s glands, (it would be great if we name things after their function rather than who discovered them) that emit something known as pre-ejaculate. Which happens very little for some men, just a drop or two sometimes, and quite a lot for others. It’s the way they’re made.

The difference is, there isn’t such a song and dance about it.

So as difficult as it may be, we seriously need to totally unhook this belief that wetness and horninness automatically go together.

Because wetness can be a learned physiological response to a sexual situation that has very little to do with desire. It’s why both men and women can have arousal and even orgasms whilst being raped. It in no way means they wanted it.

It also used to be believed that a woman couldn’t get pregnant without having an orgasm so if she got pregnant during a rape she was believed to have enjoyed it, really.

Listening to what she says is important.

On the other hand, a woman can really desire sex and be totally wanting it without being wet. It’s happening everywhere else in her mind and body except there. It’s just the way she it. It doesn’t mean she is broken, or disconnected from her body or lying.

How does a man know this woman is wanting sex? By understanding this difference and listening to her. If she says she really wants it (excluding any trauma responses she may be overriding) then she likely does.

Just smile and pass the lube…

Undoing our conditioning

We can undo decades of confusion, shame and invalidation for women right here.

And some for men too.

And help women love their bodies exactly as they are.

Which is the number one pathway to expanding a woman’s sexual pleasure.

We’ve heard it works pretty well for other genders too.

Are You Dancing in the Full Spectrum of Sex?

January 26, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Our sexuality offers us SO many opportunities to explore, pleasure and play.

Yet it is so easy just to fall back into what is familiar, what is comfortable.

Even while longing for something new.

We’re often still operating on the insights we first learned in our teens, or from our first sexual experiences.

Or from the girls over coffee, or locker room after footy. Or from porn, which can be great entertainment, but which creates problems when we try to be like this in real sex.

Rather than from people who have studied the art of sex for years and its unlimited possibilities aka. us!

That’s why today we’re offering you some suggestions to play with to expand your spectrum.

The key word here is ‘play’.

It’s a great skill to not take sex too seriously. At least at the beginning. As you open into it the depths can appear. But if you get too serious at the beginning it can end up in performance anxiety. This leads to all sorts of unhelpful behaviours as we try to cover our anxieties by being cool and in control. Rather than just being our authentic selves.

Here’s a list of things you might like to play with (especially as it’s a long weekend):

  1. One thing sex – choosing one aspect to focus on and doing it reaaally well.
  2. Breathing sex – actively breathing in different ways – deeper, slower, faster, shorter and seeing the effect on your pleasure.
  3. Sensory sex – awakening your senses with different smells, feels, music, sights, tastes.
  4. Seasonal sex – consider the time of year and season, what does it inspire? Outdoor sex, by the fire sex, hot and sweaty sex, slow and relaxing under the covers sex?
  5. Rocking sex – instead of thrusting, try rocking your hips, it’s opens up your energy and can make a world of difference. then try different strokes.
  6. Playful sex – where the object is to play like children innocently exploring for the first time.
  7. Slap and Tickle – play with different touch styles- stroking, scratching, licking, blowing air, soft, firm, fast, slow, just holding, biting. Always get consent and start slowly with the more intense styles.
  8. Handcuff and Blindfold – everything can feel more intense this way. Again, always get consent first.
  9. Heart Connected sex – take time to actively feel into your hearts as you make love. Breathe into and put your hand over your heart to help make the connection. Give it time. Make whatever you find ok.
  10. Blowing Raspberries – blow raspberries on each others’ bodies and genitals.
  11. Dess Sexy sex – each person dresses sexy and stays dressed, with clothing that has the right access. This can be really sexy for blokes to do too.
  12. Grinding sex – like the sex you used to have as teenagers, grinding your genitals together, with lots of kissing.
  13. Kissing sex – while we’re on the subject, explore each other’s whole mouths and lips. Start light and teasing, then slowly get deep and hot.
  14. Edging sex – come up to the edge of orgasm, pause, breathe deeply and start again.
  15. Teasing sex – give each other permission to flirt and tease, bring out your inner vamp!
  16. Tantric sex – breathe white light in from the soles of your feet, up through your body out the top of your head and back down again, becoming light and love beings.
  17. Kegel sex – practice your Kegels together. Squeeze your pc muscles to increase each other’s pleasure. Kegels have never been so pleasurable.
  18. Valley sex – after you’ve been making love for a while and have some intensity built up, drop into stillness and just breathe deeply, exhaling out of your mouths. Amazing.
  19. Giving/Receiving sex – one person receives what the other suggests, after checking it feels good in their bodies. Then swap.
  20. Taking/Allowing sex – one person does what they really want to the other, with the other’s full consent. Consent is what really makes this one work for both people.
  21. Emotional sex – give yourselves and each other permission to show and express any emotions that may arise during sex, taking it to a whole new level of intimacy.
  22. Sounding sex – give each other permission to make sounds, as it amplifies whatever you’re feeling. Try a variety of sounds, make them real.
  23. Slippin’ and Slidin’ sex – if you have outdoor privacy, put down a plastic sheet, cover each other in body friendly oil and start slipping and sliding.
  24. Energy sex – touch each other lightly, slowly, all over, whilst breathing deeply to activate your energy bodies.
  25. Chakra sex – put your hands over each other’s different chakras and breathe into them, whilst imagining their colours and see what happens.
  26. Fantasy sex – explore one of each person’s fantasies and if it feels right to both, find a way to act it out, even if it is in your imaginations (which can be better and more creative than the real thing, and your mind can’t tell the difference).
  27. Gifting sex – start sex by each giving your partner a gift of some kind that is a unique expression of you ie. a dance, a compliment, a simple gift, a poem, a song etc.
  28. Oral sex – it matters less about skill and more about whether you’re really enjoying it. Relax and find what is enjoyable.
  29. Oral sex – Talk dirty. We all know it can start out embarrassing, but it gets better as you go. Start gently, don’t think too hard about it, build as you go. Research it online together and see what might work. Refrain from judging each other’s preferences, say yes where it feels right.
  30. Oral sex with a difference – tell each other what you love about each moment in sex, and about the other person you’re having it with. It’s completely different, but just as opening as dirty talk. Try that too, if you like, next time.
  31. Spot sex – explore a spot together- start with a GSpot or a PSpot.
  32. Lab sex – make a sex time for experimenting non judgmentally with what might feel good. Start with some of the suggestions here, with no expectation on the outcome.
  33. Erotic sex – read a sexy book to each other, or watch a sexy movie, try a new sexy toy.
  34. Tired and Hungry sex – often we use being tired or hungry as a reason to not have sex, yet these states taken into sex can find us with either our walls down or our desire up, as long as you start with lots of deep breathing (with mouth exhale) your state will shift and your energy will start to move powerfully.
  35. Daily Devotion – less is more, read about it here.
  36. Gender sex – focussing on sex that has gifts for your gender – for women, for men.
  37. Swapping Roles sex – try putting one person in charge of the sex, especially the one who is not usually in charge. Make it an exploration, rather than an expectation. Given time and space it can be very freeing for the one receiving and empowering for the one being dominant.
  38. Tantric Massage sex – explore a deeper way of touching.
  39. Scheduled sex – sex doesn’t need to be spontaneous. Put it in your calendar and look forward to it. When the time arrives feel into what you would like- is it something slow and gentle, hot and heavy, playful etc. and talk about what you can create together to get into the mood. Using this list might help.

This list is a great beginning, use it to help make your way all through the year.

So there are no excuses for staying in a sexual rut, or having the same sex you’ve been having from the start.

Separating Orgasm and Ejaculation: How to

November 10, 2022 By Annette & Graeme 4 Comments

Have you heard about separating orgasm and ejaculation?

Maybe you’ve read about it.

Or perhaps you have experienced it in a spontaneous moment.

Without knowing how to do it again. Or even why you might want to.Lasting Longer

Almost all men orgasm and ejaculate together almost, all of the time.

It’s the primary urge that has helped sustain the survival of the human species.

Porn, being a visual medium, has helped sustain this dual focus. Ejaculation can be seen, pleasure cannot, or at least, not so easily.

Which leaves men thinking that the two aspects are one, yet this isn’t true.

How are orgasm and ejaculation different?

Orgasm is the delicious tingling feeling that rises, peaks and falls in a wave of pleasure.

Ejaculation is the release of semen, which can be pleasurable but isn’t an orgasm.

There is a rise of heat in the body that happens too.

And they can totally happen separately.

An ejaculation can happen without much pleasure.

And an orgasm- a peak of tingling, orgasmic pleasure, can happen without the release of semen.

Why is separating orgasm from ejaculation something worth cultivating?

There are two big reasons.

It helps you last longer in sex.

Plus, most men have a limited number of times they can ejaculate without draining themselves of their sexual energy. Or at least without some serious recovery time. Especially as they get older.

Energetically, it is not a good thing to drain yourself of too much sexual (life force) energy. It leaves you feeling depleted, less potent and less able to be present and motivated.

It also leaves you hooked into the need to ‘offload’ the burden of your sexual energy. Making this your primary sexual goal, instead of focussing on maximising your pleasure.

Whereas you can orgasm as many times as you like, without this draining effect. Leaving you feeling uplifted and energised instead. Especially if you have circulated your energy around your body a few times first.

So how do you go about separating orgasm and ejaculation?

(And just to be clear, we are not talking about a non ejaculatory orgasm here. This is where you injaculate your semen back into your bladder. We don’t recommend this practice)

The first step is to identify your pelvic floor muscles (the sling of muscles between your legs) and how to relax them. This is the opposite of what happens in an ejaculatory orgasm.

The best way to do this is to get curious about your orgasmic experience. Notice what is really going on in your body, don’t just lose yourself in your pleasure. What is really going on? Where are you tensing, relaxing, feeling etc.

Then try taking a pee with your hands behind your head. This is best done standing out on the back lawn last thing at night. Let all your urine drain out, noticing your pelvic floor muscles relaxing as you do so. Once you’ve finished, take a deep breath, exhale out of your mouth and let your muscles relax a little bit more.

It’s this feeling you need to cultivate as you get close to ejaculation.

It helps the need to ejaculate to drop away whilst keeping the energy in your body. You don’t lose it, it just shifts.

This is one of the many things men are conditioned not to know about their sexuality. There are many more.

Once you’ve learned to do this, you can then start to bring the energy back up by contracting and releasing your pelvic floor muscles. These contractions act as a pump, to activate the tingling pleasure of your orgasmic energy.

To further help identify your pelvic floor muscles correctly, try this. Stand with your toes pointed inwards as you contract and release. This position stops any other muscles in the area eg. your butt, from being activated as well.

Play between building and relaxing

With practice your pelvic floor muscles can activate endless amounts of orgasmic energy. Then you can play between building the energy up and relaxing it through the body. Notice how your body responds, get curious. You’ll find that you can feel pleasure whilst being relaxed. Without having to constantly build tension in your body to offload the ‘burden’ of your ejaculation. It can feel incredibly powerful too, to have this level of choice in your body.

When you choose to ejaculate, it will still be there, it may even be better. Just go back to how you would normally do so. The good thing is, when you do ejaculate, you won’t lose as much energy as you normally would. Take note of how you feel afterwards, do you feel different? It can take a little while to get used to feeling full of energy, rather than emptied out.

Start on your own

It’s great to do this in self pleasuring, as it can be too complicated to start in sex. It helps too, to place your other hand over your heart. Your hands are energy receptors and spreaders and will assist your sexual energy to stay in your body. Once this practice is familiar, you can bring it to your lovemaking.Coming Together Front Cover

And the good thing about separating orgasm from ejaculation is that you’re not constantly draining your energy, OR limiting your pleasure. You have the best of both worlds.

If you want more…

Check out our book on things sexuality, where we go in-depth into enhancing pleasure, lasting longer, multiple orgasms and more.

Women’s Pleasure: Is the idea that it is overly complicated true?

October 19, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Is it making women’s pleasure more elusive?

Leaving men confused and women frustrated.
And both missing out on the pleasure they are capable of.

It is surprising how much of our reality is influenced by the beliefs of our time.

You might think it’s just you in the bedroom with your partner. Yet there are many other voices in the background as well, both heard and unheard. Voices that help determine women’s pleasure. And man’s.

Maybe it’s “women must bear these things for the compensating joys of motherhood”.

Or “It’s a man’s obligations to sow his wild oats so he can show off his experience to his woman”.

Or even that “sex is dirty, you shouldn’t be doing it.”

One of the most detrimental ideas we carry about sex is that women’s pleasure is complex and tricky, and men’s is simple and straightforward.

It’s detrimental because believing this puts us on the back foot in approaching female sexuality. Whether it’s our own, or our partners.

And this idea is possibly not even true.

It’s possibly something we’ve simply come to believe.

Women’s pleasure statistics

Now a large, collaborative study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour  has revealed that 95% of women orgasm every time they practice solo sex.

This drops to around 65% in women when they are with a known male partner. And it drops even further in casual sex experiences with men. This same drop is not experienced in lesbian sex.

Whilst (straight) men are shown to orgasm “usually-always” 95% of the time. This is whether they’re alone, with a long time partner, or having casual sex.

There are several reasons for this pleasure gap

The people who responded to the survey may have been more comfortable in their sexuality (although it was a very large survey, over 52,000),

In masturbation the orgasm for a woman could be serving a purely functional, even stress relieving purpose. In other words, it’s kept simple.

In sex, especially with a male partner, it is easier for a woman to get her orgasm tangled up with desires for romance, intimacy and commitment. Which would make it easier for her to lose focus on achieving her orgasm.

Though we still have a way to go, the rise of female power and equality is happening across the world. But even in this emancipated day and age, a woman is still likely to give her man’s orgasm a higher priority than her own.

A woman will give a man’s orgasm higher priority because:

  • she has a lifetime of conditioning to give to others before herself.
  • both her and her man have been conditioned by the patriarchal system to think he is entitled to his orgasm every time, and she is not.
  • women still hold a lot of shame about their pleasure and can hold it back in front of their partner.
  • she has been conditioned by the patriarchal, goal oriented way of viewing sex that doesn’t work for her feminine body, leading her to not be in touch with what it wants, or how to ask for it (even though she can easily order three different kinds of lattes, muffins and smoothies).
  • she doesn’t want to offend him by making him think he’s not doing it right.
  • it’s common for her to endure suffering eg. in periods and childbirth. So it’s easier for her to endure a lack of pleasure long enough for him to come, rather than cause offence.
  • she has got really good at faking her orgasms.

Yet underlying all these are two very powerfully held beliefs.

Firstly, that a woman’s pleasure is complex and tricky, so it is easier to give up on.

And secondly, that a man’s pleasure is simple, like a microwave, 30 secs and beep, beep, beep, he’s done. Giving him no reason to hold it back, just a little more effort and it’s done.

These beliefs are doing both men and women a disservice.

It:

  • makes a woman’s pleasure seem more daunting, and off putting to seek.
  • keeps her in a straight jacketed, uninformed way of thinking about her pleasure capacity.
  • keeps both thinking that one good come and he’s done. This view of male sexuality is a very limited, purely biological one.
  • short circuits man’s ability to have the more deeply fulfilling, full bodied, multiply orgasmic pleasure he is capable of.

How would it be to believe that both mean’s and women’s pleasure were more similar than different?

Both deserving of time and attention.

Both deserving of a curious, rather than a goal oriented approach.

In a goal oriented approach you have a pre determined outcome that you try to achieve.

A curious approach is more experimental and open ended ie. let’s try this and see what happens.

Leaving both lovers more in the moment, in their bodies, aware of their responses, open to seeing their desires.

Women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to receive more oral sex, deep kissing, manual genital stimulation in addition to vaginal penetration, have longer duration of sex, be more satisfied in their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner, be flirtatious and adventurous eg. use sexy talk and lingerie, and express love during sex.

Wouldn’t men benefit from this variety of approaches to more parts of their body as well?

Leaving them more capable of experiencing more extended pleasure.

Not to mention leaving them more interested in trying a few tantric tips. Tips that leave both lovers even more more in the moment, in their bodies, aware of their responses, open to seeing their desires. Leading them to higher states of ecstasy and bliss, and receiving more of the benefits.

Pleasure Benefits such as:

  • enhanced mood and body confidence
  • reduced stress and better sleep
  • improved relationships through more enhanced oxytocin levels
  • better communication
  • boosted immune system
  • improved skin
  • increased release of the body’s natural painkillers, called endorphins, which are released during touch and sex.

There are, and likely always will be differences between men and women’s pleasure, and their psyches, sexually speaking.

But perhaps it’s time to put some of those differences to bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Does Your Sexual Energy Mean to YOU?

September 8, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Our sexual energy lies at our core

Most people think of sex, as just something they do between the sheets at night with an intimate partner, but it’s so much more Tantric Sexual Energythan that. Treating the heat and tingling we feel in sexual pleasure as such will change your relationship with it and with each other.

Sexual energy is the primal and creative energy of the universe.

Everything that’s alive was created by it: animals, plants, humans, and even the universe itself by the first big bang. We ourselves were all created by an orgasm, even though most of us cringe at the idea of our parents having sex.

In fact, sex reminds us all of our humanity.

Almost everyone has succumbed to the urge to get vulnerable and naked (and let’s face, even slightly ridiculous, if you think about it!). We’re linked through the ages by those moments of total, sweaty abandon.

“Modern men and women are obsessed with the sexual; it is the only realm of primordial adventure still left to most of us. Human lives otherwise are pretty well caged in by the walls, bars, chains and locked gates of our industrial culture.”

Sex At Dawn, Edward Abbey

Yet sexual energy is so much more than just biology.

It’s your animating life force energy, the creative part of you that brings new life within yourself, as well as bringing your offspring.

Sexual energy is present in:

A relationship as attraction, arousal, passion and pleasure.

It’s equally present in your enthusiasm for interesting projects in work or hobbies.

You’ll find it in the energy you use to run around the back yard with your children and grandchildren.People with disabilities stepping out of shame

It lies in your inspiration for new ideas and creativity, and it’s the energy you feel when you’ve had a shift in your level of self-awareness.

You’ve probably noticed that after really satisfying sex, you find yourself with increased enthusiasm and vitality for living.

Sexual energy opens us and makes us available for life.

When sexual energy is transmuted up through the body to the heart (rather than drained away) it becomes love…

Equally, when sexual energy is transmuted up through the body to the higher chakra centres (rather than drained away) it becomes spirit…

At a physical level

Sex has multiple benefits from reducing high blood pressure and stress, producing dopamine to build confidence whilst inspiring action, oxytocins to enhance affection and bonding to opoids that produce feelings of happiness and wellbeing. Sex keeps us physically fit, and we keep fit to enjoy better sex (and we have to keep fit to have great sex!). Our pleasure may even boost our immunity and reduce chronic inflammation- the source of many disease processes through the production of Nitric Oxide.

Saying YES to your sexuality

Saying YES to your sexual self, connects you to a very deep part of yourself. Even deeper than the love and pleasure you share with your lover. That place within you has nothing to do with actually having sex, it’s your power centre.

Sex is power

This is why it’s used to sell everything in the world from cars to ice cream; and it’s also why the church, culture, society, parents and now pharmaceutical companies want to control it. Even science now tries to explain it- good luck with that! The explanation can never be the experience.

Being connected with sex in a healthy way makes you powerful within yourself

Healthy sex makes you available to deep vulnerability, compassion and healing. It’s worth cultivating your sexual energy for these reasons alone. And the more aware of, connected with, and authentic in your sexual self you are, the more your sexual pleasure flows. It’s a win-win situation!

It’s a natural human desire to want to feel good

Man in prayerHumans commonly seek experiences of altered or uplifted states of consciousness.

Feel good moments that can be as simple as having a glass of wine, watching a sunset, taking a moment in prayer – or as complex as taking mind-altering drugs, or doing a BDSM ritual.

This is part of our longing to break free from the burden of our ordinary minds, and to connect with something larger than ourselves to make sense of the world. Almost every community on earth has some kind of ritual or spiritual practice to access something they call God or Spirit. From shamanic plant use to whirling dervishes to seeking God through prayer.

Suppressing and corrupting this energy is life-taking and unhealthy

For it denies our true nature and makes us neurotic. Suppression of this energy comes from our fear of and conditioning around its power. Sexual problems generally relate to unconsciously acting out the repression, or the unhealthy expression of this energy, rather than by its healthy expression.

Sexual Energy is Natural, Powerful and Beautiful

Sexual energy is catalytic: you can’t see it or measure it, but you can notice its effects. This energy arises in you, changes your state and leaves you feeling different afterwards.

Sexual energy is not just physical

Sexual energy is emotional, psychic and subtle, and it impacts your soul-body. When you’re having sex you’re connecting a lot more than just your bodies. It fosters your capacity for wonder, your absolute confidence and your openness to the world and to your heart. If you can experience this simultaneously with another human being in a loving, sexual context, it’s absolutely magical.

With your sexuality...it is your vitality, your life force

Sadly, it’s the only way most people feel absolute freedom – in that moment of orgasm where they’re free of their everyday, ordinary, limited minds. This experience is known as the surrender or ‘little death’ of the ego.

Almost all of us have been there at some time in our lives, and we want to go back as often as possible

We promote our sexual energy by saying YES to it through how we live, as much as what we do in the bedroom.

You say YES to your sexual energy and potential for ecstasy by:

• Eating plenty of fresh foods

• Living in an aware and embodied way that minimises your negative stress

• Developing a ‘felt’ sense of your body so you know its real signals, including hunger, thirst, tiredness, sexual desire etc

• Minimising your addictions (as they take you away from your felt sense)

• Getting regular exercise, including some that challenges your body

• Getting adequate rest

• Taking a few minutes each day to stre-e-e-e-tch your body

Say YES also by:

• Taking regular breaks from your electronic devices

• Finding gratitude

• Appreciating beauty

• Doing something just for the joy of it

• Doing something purely for sensual pleasure daily

• Making life-affirming choices rather than life-defeating ones

• Being honest and in your integrity

• Doing something for others

• Doing something you love

• Keeping your mind active by learning new things

• Being willing to take healthy risks

• Finding a way to express your inner wild man or woman (the primal part of your nature) to balance the time you spend being civilised

• Developing some kind of spiritual practice, whatever this means for you

You can say YES in the act of sex by:

• Having life-affirming sex through tantric transmutation practices, rather than the energy-draining kind

• Keeping an open mind to the connection between sex and your spirituality

Reviewing your own relationship with this part of you

It’s important to explore the relationship you have with your own sexual energy so you can care for this awesome power in a healthy way. And so you can talk about it more clearly with your partner.

So ask yourself- How do you view your sexual energy? How do you manage it- both in sex, and in your everyday life?
Is it something you nurture, cultivate, savour, transmute, deny, avoid, shut down, drain yourself of or let it control you?

Your answers will give you insight into what is possible in this part of your life.

This post is an excerpt from our book, Coming together- Solving the Mystery of Intimate Sex and Relationship

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