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Relationship Breakdown, our National Tragedy

February 28, 2020 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Not Dealing With Relationship Breakdown

is

Our Hidden National Tragedy

 

Written By

 

https://intimaterelationships.com.au

 

Australians are reeling from the recent horrible & tragic consequences of a relationship breakdown in Brisbane, where a husband and father brutally murdered his wife and three small children, before stabbing himself to death.

There can never be an excuse for this kind of act.

Police had been involved

Prior to this horrific incident, police had been involved in this couples’ relationship breakdown, and had advised both of them to seek support regarding domestic violence and an ongoing dispute over child access.

Soon after this violent incident in Brisbane, an obviously distraught police investigator, who was involved at the scene of the crime, stated in a media interview:

 “Is this an issue of a woman suffering significant domestic violence and her and her children perishing at the hands of the husband, or is it an instance of a husband being driven too far by issues he’s suffered by certain circumstances into committing acts of this form?”

He has since been stood down for these remarks.

Listen to His Words..

What is happening to the system

What has happened to a system designed to support both the people (and  children) involved in a relationship breakdown in a fair, humane and equitable manner, or has the system itself become part of the problem?

My own personal experience of this system

My own personal experience of dealing with this system as a man back in 2000 pushed me to the edge, where I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I believe this recent incident has brought further to the surface, the ugly side of how the complex issues of relationship breakdown are poorly understood and handled.

Information available has limitations

In writing this article, I have spent many hours searching, reading and deciphering statistics, statistics and more statistics.

One thing from that search became very clear: relationship breakdown and domestic violence are not gender issues, but people issues.

Finding an accurate picture is still very difficult, when (according to the ABS2017, Australian Bureau of Statistics) 87% of women don’t report domestic violence to the police and neither do 97% of men.

The reliable statistics we do have come from hospitalisation, coroner and police reports. The ABS2017 itself comments that their available data is limited, and are broadening their survey questions in an attempt to capture more of this picture.

Male suicide is barely the tip of the iceberg

Beyondblue survey has found  Ambulance data indicates 30,197 attendances for men who attempted or had suicidal thoughts between 2015 – 16, yet hospital figures identified only @10,000.

“This study tells us that what we know about male suicide is just the tip of the iceberg”   Beyond Blue Chair, Julia Gillard.

According to ABS2017, relationship breakdown is the common denominator for both men and women in exposure to violence, with 39% of women and 35% of men experiencing partner violence after separation.

An unpalatable truth

Surely these statistics show a perhaps unpalatable truth in the current social and political climate: that BOTH gendered partners are equally capable of unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty, in the common and highly volatile fuelled up and emotionally charged state of relationship breakdown.

See this next Link about the 2017 tragedy in Cairns, were Raina Thaiday murdered eight children in her care, aged from 27 months to 14 years, 4 boys and 4 girls. Seven of these children were her own, and a niece.

Police are forced to act

In my work as a Relationship Counsellor, I have regularly spoken to members of the police force involved in the hands on aspect of relationship breakdown.

They say that often they’re taking the wrong person ie. the man, away in handcuffs, where it is obvious that both people have been involved in creating the situation.

Making domestic violence a purely gender issue, and heaping all the blame and responsibility onto men, is I believe, making a bad situation worse.

We have a people problem, rather than a gender problem.

With partner violence, a woman is murdered every 6 days and a male every 10 days, yet when all other family members are included, such as children and siblings, victim numbers become relatively even.

My own experience of relationship breakdown

As a partner and parent, I went through my own relationship breakdown in 2000.

I still struggle to put into words the lasting effects of the systematic cruelty I experienced simply because I was a male. I lost my kids, I went from being full time with them to being ‘granted’ 4 days a month.

I was devastated, I spoke up and was simply told “this is the best things for the kids.”

How could I argue with that?

I still have those lawyer letters…

Under this system, my feelings were used against me

My emotionality, the fact I had feelings was used against me,  I was devastated, deeply hurting and just plain lost didn’t matter.

My wife and her lawyer deemed I was unfit to have any increase in  custody and even threatened an intervention order if I breached any of the ‘list of rules’, such as driving onto the property to pick my kids up.

I was forced to park out on the road, hundreds of meters away.

My solicitor was blunt when she cautioned me my actions or reactions were teaching and influencing my kids in how man treats women.

I had nowhere to go

My hands were tied with nowhere to go, but to suck it up.
Something died in me during this time.

My sense of loss and helplessness was, and still is painful even 20 years later.

Prior to our separation, as our long-term marriage faltered, we sought help.

During our couples counselling, I had my first gob smacking exposure to this undercurrent of bigoted ignorance towards men.

Why wasn’t I asked the same question ?

Our young woman counsellor asked my wife if she had ever been hit, or had experienced any form physical abuse or violence from me, to which she said no.

The counsellor moved on and I interrupted her and asked why didn’t she ask me that same question?

She just looked at me, as if I had suddenly contracted a contagious disease, then continued to move on.

I interrupted her and said that I had been hit on several occasions by my wife and what did she have to say about that?

Without a pause, she continued on with her diatribe and I lost much interest in couples counselling, even though we did try several others with even less success.

Some therapists make better truck drivers

Looking back, I see it now as total incompetence in relationship counselling, and I believe some therapists would make better truck drivers.

I see too that poor therapy is very damaging and that having no therapy is safer than bad therapy.

This is an article from ABC on poor therapy

Decades later, this whole event still saddens me.

My 3 children were also hurting and confused at that time. They felt then, and still feel, that I had abandoned them.

I didn’t want to end up in police custody

At their age, I couldn’t tell them what was really happening.

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t see them simply because I was told by their mother and her lawyer that this is the way it is done.

And I didn’t say that any attempt by me to see more of them would most likely land me in police custody.

The local school could see what was happening, and suggested I come and sit with my children at school, especially my youngest.

My emotion was intense, my youngest just sat on my knee, clung to me and we both cried and cried. I only did this a couple of times, as it was too disruptive for everyone, including her class and teacher.

For me, losing access to my children, created in me a sense of powerlessness, overwhelm and pain that was and still is indescribable.

I am still shocked, decades later how cruel the system still is

I still shocked today, decades later, how heartless and inadequate our system was, and still is for vulnerable men who are hurting.

At no point during the first 18 months of separation was I given any credit or acknowledgement that I loved my kids or that I had a right to see them.

I was the token male whose sole function was purely for financial support and how dare I have feelings for my kids…

My access was measured and limited by financial reasons.

If I was allowed more than a certain number of days per year, the amount I paid would be reduced, which was determined by their mother and her lawyer.

My experience with the Family Law system was beyond belief, every step in this process took months and cost 000’s, with a greedy, heartless and extremely predatory legal system supporting it.

Meeting the Child Support Agency

After separation my ex’s legal genius advised her to remove all joint money and freeze all our bank accounts, in spite that I had agreed and supported her managing business accounts and finances.

On top of lost access, my cash and business accounts had gone or were frozen, despite having a business to run, to live plus child support to pay.

Now I just had to do it with no funds, business or other financial means.

I contacted the Child Support Agency explaining my situation.

They were very clear and stated that my next payment was due next week and they expected it to be made, otherwise there would be penalties.

There was no offer of support or guidance, just a simple threat “pay up or else, and it’s not our problem…”

That really pissed me off.

During the first 3-4 months of hell and indescribable agony of separation, I was slowly and steadily sliding into a deep dark hole.

I was in a bad way

I was unaware of my decline, I was in a bad way.

I remember a conversation at this time with my parents, about what was happening

They refused to believe it and declined to help me, stating that my ex “would never do a thing like that”.

I felt betrayed, I walked out and never had a conversation about that or much else with them again.

A few days later, I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I held my breath and was about to pull the trigger, when the family dog jumped into the front of my ute with me and broke that spell.

I ended up out on the ground, vomiting, and I think I must have blacked out, as when I came out of it the dog was lying beside me with its head resting on my chest.

I broke into tears at the sheer helplessness of my situation.

From that point, I started to climb out my black hole.

I rang Lifeline later that day and a friend was on duty and I spilled my story.

As a current and active Lifeline counsellor, I knew Lifeline was absolutely brilliant, it is free, confidential & 24/7 for any phone call.

Plus, they have one of the most comprehensive computerised data bases of all local services available for people in crisis, like me.

My friends at Lifeline knew something was happening in my life, and after that call, my support really kicked in.

From that moment in time, I threw myself into every kind of self-learning and personal development I could lay my hands on so I could do better than just survive.

Some of this learning happened on weekends.

My ex refused to swap these weekends with me so I missed out on several with my kids during this healing phase, her routine was more important than kids seeing their father.

This meant sometimes four, and at one point six weeks between visits, even though they lived locally.

I will never get that time back.

If I was successful in my ‘attempt’ to end it all, nobody would have known my agony or my reasons, and most likely my actions would have been put down to a ‘mental illness’.

Even today, only a handful of people know my story and how I felt during that time.

Man up

It’s as if “men don’t have feelings, so man up and get over it…”.

Even life long friends bailed out of my life during that time.

From my own personal experience with this systematic form of ignorance, cruelty and torture, I understand (but do not excuse) how men take their own lives or, God forbid, act out something much worse.

According to the Australia Brotherhood of Fathers , 21 men in Australia commit suicide each week as a result of relationship breakdown and our Family Law System.

Out of a total of  @ 2,700 Australian (ABS2017) men who suicide each year, that’s over 1000 lives annually, lost to systematic ignorance and cruelty.

Continuing a one sided approach in managing our national tragedy of relationship breakdown and domestic violence is clearly not working.

We have a people problem, not a gender problem..

 

 

 

 

Sexpo Brisbane 2019: Was it More Than Porn, Flesh and Vibrators?

August 13, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Actually it was a bit confronting…

Our Sexpo experience led us to ask ourselves some interesting questions.

Now, we’re old enough not to be naive…(?)…about an event like Sexpo.

We knew it would be a very different environment from what we would find at, say, a Mind, Body & Spirit Festival. And we knew the surroundings would be in our face, over the top sexual. We had no problem annette and graeme at sexpowith that, in fact we enjoyed it.

In our talks it was a relief to know we wouldn’t raise any eyebrows being upfront about sex. In fact it was a challenge to be upfront enough!

And we loved seeing people wandering through the crowd expressing their sexual personalities through their outfits.

Sexpo is well run, without sleaze…

We found the event to be well run and professional, with a total absence of sleaze. And we guess putting on this kind of event would present more challenges than anyone could imagine. So well done to the organisers.

Where was the enjoyment at Sexpo?

What was confronting was seeing how much of an impact our sexual conditioning still, along with porn and technology, has on peoples sex lives.

The whole energy of Sexpo seemed to us to be about perfect looks, hard bodies and overt performances. Along with hundreds, if not thousands, of various pleasure enhancing gadgets for sale.

Yet we saw few people really enjoying themselves, actually being in their bodies and feeling their innate sexual energy. Even the absolutely stunning, near naked women we saw, projected little or no sexual energy.

People appeared reserved in their enjoyment of what was some quality entertainment. Maybe because it wasn’t a nightclub environment, without alcohol (up the front), people held back.

At the stand next door to us we did experience lots of  genuine enjoyment. The crew from Woodhoods’ penis outfits were seriously intriguing people.

And it definitely happened in the amateur strip competition. Participants challenged themselves to take a vulnerable leap of faith pole dancer like those at Sexpo.

Maybe the feeling was all happening down the back in the fetish and strip rooms. This is where the biggest line ups were.

We have no judgement about any of these aspects of sex. In fact, we’re tried and enjoyed many of them ourselves in the past. We want to know how people can enjoy them more…

Experiencing some Sexpo Virtual Reality

It took ourselves a while to settle into the space at Sexpo, to relax, be open and authentic. But we did and had a good (though after 33hrs, an exhausting) time.

We even tried out some V.R goggles for a surreal virtual sex experience, finding the technology a hoot.

We talked about sex

Our two talks on sexual healing went well.  We had some great conversations with people. Sharing the exploration of sex as a wholistic experience, one that we still have much to learn about. Rather than being a fixed performance we have to get right.

Annette talked to some sex workers too. They were struggling with the idea that, as sex workers they are now being seen as empowered beings. Ones able to give their clients incredible experiences every time. Rather than as human beings just doing their job, with good days and some not so good days.

We were forced to ask ourselves some questions

It has made us wonder, where has the authenticity, aliveness, the freedom, the intimacy and not to mention the heart gone in sex??

Sexy woman like those at SexpoMaybe it is just that as human beings we’ve been taught so well to numb out our innate sexual energy and put it in a box with a certain label. Perhaps our sexual conditioning doesn’t allow us to be seen having a good time in a public sexual environment? And maybe we don’t know how to enjoy our sexual feelings without having to express them in actual sex (which was illegal at the event)?

We know that the people who attend an event like Sexpo are a small percentage of the overall population, so what we experienced may not be representative of the majority of folk.

Sexpo lead us to ask:

Are people genuinely happy playing in superficial society, porn and technology induced sexual roles? Are we all afraid to seek the truth of our own core sexual energy? Has authentic sex become too scary and vulnerable, or just too unfamiliar?

And are we at Oztantra missing the point teaching sexuality Your heart- the sexiest organ in your bodythat is alive, free, joyous, intimate and heart based?

Love is not only romance

When we talk about heart in sex here we’re not talking romance. We’re referring to the deeper power within our hearts with the capacity to uplift us beyond our limitations and show us who we truly are.

This power was reflected recently in the movie Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, when Freddie Mercury felt freddie mercury found more than a Sexpo lifethe call of his heart.

This call lead him to move away from his superficial sexual lifestyle and find the place in himself that felt truly like home, which he chose to share with a long term lover.

Authentic Sex

At Oztantra, we know there IS a place where sex can be authentic, vulnerable, free, deeply connecting and even exciting, without the pressure of performance.

And we’re unwilling to be seduced by what glitters alone.

We can enjoy and teach glitter, when it is based in gold.

At Oztantra, our aim is to keep looking for new ways to keep spreading the word about what is possible for all of us as sexual  beings, to expand awareness of our unique awesomeness and potential in sex, in relationship and in life.

To give those who are looking for something outside the social norm a real alternative.

Ways like Annette’s upcoming online course for women called “The Opening”, and a Relationship App with daily insights and activity reminders based on our book ‘Coming Together’ that you can share, whether you’ve been in relationship for a short, or a very long time!

 

Kissing: The benefits will surprise you!

October 5, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

If you’ve been with your partner a while and kissing has taken a back seat in your loveplay…

We hope we can inspire you to pucker up your lips for a good smooching!

Couple Kissing

Remember those hours in the back seat of the car or some other hidden place as teenagers when the powerful feelings elicited by just kissing would feed your mind and body for days?

In the rush to get to the more overt moves available to us as adults in lovemaking we can forget the power of the beginning steps, and this is especially true of kissing.

Here are a few great reasons to get those lips moving:

Kissing makes your hormones react!

Kissing triggers your brain’s pleasure centres to release a cocktail of chemicals that leave you feeling ‘oh so good!’  These chemicals include oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin, which make you feel euphoric and encourage feelings of affection and help you bond with your partner.Couple kissing

The rush of oxytocin (the chemical linked to pair bonding) released when you kiss causes feelings of affection and attachment, especially important in long-term relationships.

In addition to boosting your happy hormones, kissing can reduce your cortisol levels — potentially reducing your stress levels and improving your feelings of self-worth. Kissing and other affectionate communication, like hugging and saying “I love you,” impact the physiological processes related to stress management and helps keep us calm. This is definitely enough reason alone to bring kissing back!

And surprising pathways open

Kissing increases your heart rate in a way that dilates your blood vessels. Increasing your blood flow in this way decreases in your blood pressure, meaning that kissing is good for the heart, literally and metaphorically. Blood vessel dilation can also help relieve headaches and menstrual cramps. So along with the boost that occurs in your feel good chemicals, kissing at these unlikely times might actually be good for you.

Romantic kissing leads to sexual arousal and is often the driving force behind your woman’s decision to have sex. The longer and more passionately you kiss, the more testosterone (one of the body’s sex hormones) gets released and the more aroused you can both become.

Kissing affects the muscles at the other end of a woman’s body too. Kissing helps her vaginal muscles relax, allowing her to become open and receptive. In fact, early midwives used to encourage husbands to snog their wives to assist in bringing reluctant babies into the world!

Kissing can also give you a facelift!

The act of kissing can involve anywhere from 2 to 34 facial muscles. Kissing often and using these muscles on the regular acts like a workout for your face and can also increase your collagen production, which contributes to firmer, younger-looking skin. That sounds like the best kind of facelift out!

So what is the best way to kiss?

Start with good oral hygiene. Kissing someone with a freshly cleaned mouth is much nicer than trying to dodge their bad breath. Use a breath mint or mouthwash if this is an issue for you. Better safe then sorry. (It you generally have good oral hygiene this is not so much of an issue, unless you’re a smoker, have a dry mouth or you’ve recently eaten something like garlic or onions).

Give kissing your total attention, rather than using it as a lead-in to what’s next. It can be a lead-in of course, but not if your head is somewhere else.

Start by looking your partner in the eye as you approach them, letting them know with your eyes how much you would like to kiss them and how good it’s going to feel for both of you.

Start tender and slow, slow.

Hold the side of their chin and stroke the opposite side of their face once or twice before honing in on their lips, as this helps their mind turn off and their body turn on.

Lick and tease their lips before moving in for the full on pash.

Give yourself permission to imagine the desire you want feel beginning in your own mouth, moving down into your body, for where your mind goes your energy follows.

Vary your moves and rhythm (but if it’s really working don’t change too quickly).

Allow one person then the other to lead the kiss, as we all love to be wanted.

Nibble top or/and bottom lips.

Remember to breathe as this helps spread the passion through your bodies.

Imagine the tingling of your genitals arising up into your mouth. You can enhance what you’re feeling by doing a few pc (pelvic floor) squeeze and  releases as this further awakens your sexual pleasure.

Stroke your lover’s lips, teeth and tongue with your tongue.

Leave full on deep throat until the moment the passion’s rising and you’re both really getting in to it – for too much too soon (and too much too often) is a definite put-off. Think of deep tongue as your secret weapon and bring it out only when the moment is right- then it’s like- wow!

Try one person giving the kiss and the other keeping their mouth still and receptive, this can be totally divine. The giver takes their time to fully explore the other’s mouth, lips and tongue, with a little more face caressing for good measure. Don’t be afraid to let yourself receive in this way. It can feel so good to let go of control and be in the moment.

Tease and taste it all!

If you have resistance to kissing, or to being kissed, without making this wrong explore it.

Literally feel the resistance in your body, where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Breathe for a few moments here.

Avoid mentally thinking the answer and let your body surprise you with one.

Perhaps your heart is closed from past hurt?

You might have fear of opening up and getting closer?

You might need to talk about what your resistance means for you before going further.
And remember if your partner has resistance it’s about them, don’t make it about you and get in the way of their exploration, you might learn something you can work with.

If you discover things that are difficult to sort out don’t hesitate to give Annette or Graeme and call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here.

Even better you might like to attend our upcoming weekend workshop, Sexuality of the Heart, where we explore all things intimate in a safe and respectful but fun way.

 

 

Active Receiving…it’s so much more than just lying there!

June 7, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

It’s obvious when we’re actively giving in lovemaking, those moments when we completely lose ourselves in service of our partner, totally there for them and loving every moment of it.

And there are those delicious moments when it seems like you’re just flowing together, not knowing where one person ends and the other begins, and nobody appears to be giving, it’s just happening (called entrainment by the way).

It’s less obvious when we’re actively receiving, for Female Sexualitymen or women. It’s less talked about and a skill not often understood.

The experience of it can transform our lovemaking experience from ordinary to magnificent!

It’s a mindset firstly, an opening of your mind, a letting go of control and allowing whatever is happening to be utterly as it is.

Yet it’s not just passively laying there.

It’s having your mind fully engaged in the moment, actively breathing and feeling your sensations fully.

Letting go of any inner fear or resistance you might have.

Totally surrendering to yourself through your lovers touch.

Rising to meet your lover’s touch, with your lips, hands, breasts, legs or hips.

That’s the thing about surrender here- it’s surrender to yourself, not to your partner.Meditation

Although you automatically feel more connected to your lover as a result, and they to you.

Surrender to yourself can look like surrender to your lover but the internal reality is very different, for you remain connected to and safely in charge of yourself, trusting yourself that you will be ok in whatever happens.

It does not mean tolerating something that feels uncomfortable, but asking yourself the question of are you letting it in?

Can you move your body in a way that opens it further?

Can you breathe in the sensations you’re feeling, transforming them?

Can you open your eyes and let your lover see you?

Is there any resistance you can drop? Emotion you can acknowledge?

This can help us go underneath yourself into something unforeseen yet wonderful.

Expressing gratitude to your lover for the gift you’re receiving  builds the connection and trust between you.Tantric Heart space

Sometimes surrendering invites activity, a rock of the hips, a surge of energy, heat, movement, coming from deep within.

At others it invites even deeper stillness, a sigh that opens into freedom, melts like wax in fire or expands into bliss with intuitive imagery of waterfalls, stars, mountains, earthly or spiritual beings. The potential is unlimited.

If what your lover is doing still doesn’t feel good, then ask for it to be changed.

Active receiving is one of the most precious gift you can give to both yourself and your lover as it opens not only the heart through the gratitude it brings, and the spirit through the acceptance it takes, but also the doorway to greater pleasure through the expansion it offers.

Give it a try sometime soon!

Men: Improving Your Strike Rate

April 19, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Guys, could you do with more quality sex in your life?Improving your strike rate by not shooting yourself in the foot

If your answer is yes, improving your strike rate happens by avoiding the following bedroom blunders that will instantly shoot your desire in the foot. They’ll not only make the rejection you expect more likely, they’ll put sex on the back burner for your woman too.

It’s not because she doesn’t want you.

It’s because she’s made differently (as you might have noticed…)

We’ll show you what to do instead to hugely improve your strike rate in the bedroom (without the need for ball tampering…)

Common Bedroom blunders:

  1. Believing she doesn’t want you.

There will be times that this is true, this is just life and don’t take it personally. It’s that she’s stressed out, busy, tired, worrying about the kids or her friend or her ageing parents etc. Underneath all this she’s likely to want sex as much as you do and it’s important to remember it, as it makes it easier to correct No. 2.

2. Expecting her to make the first move.emotional problems lead to erection issues

Sure, she will sometimes be hot to trot and put the moves on you, but mostly she’ll be waiting for you to approach her. It’s just the way she’s made, she wants to be wanted as it validates her desirability and gives her confidence to step into her sexual power (just like you do really). So instead of waiting, step up and make the move.

3. Using a language that will push her away.

Men tend to think about sex itself as the goal, and along the way they get connected with their woman. She will come to sex wanting to feel connected with you. So, let your language reflect that you see this about her clearly. Instead of asking for sex make it personal, let her know you want ‘her’ not just sex.

4. Being covert to avoid rejectionman in mask

Because being rejected is so painful many men will allude to getting sex by making hints or jokes instead of asking for it outright. They’ll say something like “the kids are in bed early tonight so I’m in with a chance, am I?” Make your approach direct. Look her in the eye and ask straight up with a smile.

5. Wanting to fix her

It’s been said before, but we’ll say it again. Women mostly want you to just listen rather than to be fixed, so when she talks just listen. Don’t offer a solution unless she asks for one.

6. Not taking care of yourself

You might have noticed the guy with the beer gut and bald spot who still thinks he’s God’s gift to women, yet a woman who looks like Elle McPherson can be riddled with self doubt?

Don’t just take it for granted that you’re attractive, make the effort to at least have clean teeth, fresh breath, and a clean body. Take an interest in your physical wellbeing and keep as fit and healthy as you can.

7. Wanting to take

Men do this when they’re not connected to their hearts in sex. We don’t mean loving to your partner but being connected to your own heart, inside your body. To do this slow down, breathe deeply, put your attention on your body and what you’re feeling, especially around your heart. Doing this will help you make sex about sharing rather than taking, as women can smell this in a man and will pull back (unless she’s in the mood to ‘be taken’, then ravish her with all you’ve got). Remember her pleasure is as important as yours (as your pleasure is as important as hers). Take your time and go on a journey together, rather than just rush to the destination.

8. Neglecting non-sexual touch

It’s hard for a woman to stay present in her body, trying to do everything she’ll disappear into her head and not be aware of the sensual part of her. Feel your desire in your own body, don’t be afraid of it. This is why women love bad boys who carry lots of sexual energy front and centre- they make them feel. You don’t need to be like that, just let yourself feel your desire, relax into it by breathing deeply, then touch her from this place in you. Do so without the goal of immediate sex. Give her a kiss, a melting hug, stroke slowly along the back of her neck, shoulders or lower back to help her get into her body. Look into her eyes and caress her face for a moment, give her a kiss or a smile. Caress the sides of her breasts or hips, don’t go for her nipples, butt or her genitals, as this will shut her down if she’s not warmed up. Leave her wanting more. This is why women love bad guys- they make them feel.

9. Avoiding your truth

Challenge yourself to be honest about yourself and what you feel, rather than avoid difficult conversations and disappear into the office or the garage. Your woman can feel this strength and alignment in you and will be attracted to it (even if it may piss her off at times!). One of the things you need to be honest with ourself about is the fact that you’re not entitled to sex, nor can you expect your partner to give it to you. Sex is something you co create the conditions for it to happen in, taking this approach makes you more creative and frees up resistance in your partner.breaking open the heart

10. Fearing being rejected.

Men propose, women dispose. The way to deal with rejection is being willing to feel it. This might sound like a recipe for self-flagellation but it’s actually the opposite. The more you fear and resist rejection (which is a physical and emotional pain) the more intensely you feel it. Ironically, if you’re willing there is no wall for the rejection to cut through and hurt. Any rejection you do feel can be actively breathed through your body to release it. It sounds weird but it works. The more you practice this the less pressure your woman will feel from you allowing her to find her own desire and step closer.

 

See which ones might be true for you, take them out of your sexual repertoire and notice your sex life significantly (if not amazingly) improve!

And if you’d like any further assistance putting these tools into use call Annette & Graeme on 1800 TANTRA or email here for a chat.

 

 

Lingam Massage

February 8, 2018 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

The Hottest Thing You Can Do For Your Man In Bed Tonight (and one that is good for you too!)

And all you need to grab for it is a handful of oil or lubricant and your man…A Lingam Massage will open your man's heart

 

“I didn’t know how to feel, so I learned to touch” sings Leonard Cohen

 

This is true for so many men. Young boys feel just as much as girls until they grow up conditioned by society to toughen up, “not be a pussy” or worst of all to “man up!” In our work, we see that men DO feel, deeply and powerfully, in a way that is more of an internal experience rather than an external expression (anger and sex are the two exceptions here). We see it because the place where men are most motivated to risk feeling fully is in sex and the bonuses of him doing so pay off in many more ways than just the few seconds of his orgasm.

From not having permission to feel and with his way of feeling made wrong not many men learn to perform and touch in sex, breaking open the heartrather feel, connect and deepen.

The simple but profound practice we’re offering today will give him the chance to do just that. In fact, it can help break his heart wide open! For the woman who loves him, if she’s looking for more ‘connection’ in their lovemaking this is a great place to find it! And it impacts on more than just the bedroom, it can leave him happier and more connected to himself in the rest of his world too. The practice we’re referring to is Tantric Practice called a Lingam Massage (Lingam is the Tantric name for his penis or cock but use whatever works for you).

In preparation for writing this article we asked some men who’ve experienced it for their own words on the subject. If there’s anything that will render a man poetic, it’s this place.

One man described it as “joining all the dots of sex, intimacy and connection. It validated a very deep part of me and made me feel comfortable with myself in a whole new way. It may sound over the top, but for me it was life changing!”

Another mentioned finding “a place of spaciousness, a timeless experience of my authentic power that lies beyond the mind.”

Still another said “I found I was not only able to feel more but was able to open my heart tp my partner and really receive her love.”

One said “I now see how much more I can be. I’m now able to fully love my beautiful wife as she deserves to be loved, and I feel deserving of hers.”

And last but not least this: “I found it powerful yet subtle. It was very pleasurable and enjoyable without the need to perform in any way, to just open and experience what was happening in my body, helping me remove shame and guilt around my sexuality and sexual desire. It also connected me to a deep, yet quiet, sense of myself and my own power.”

Lingam massage gives a man the chance to feel without having to perform, or give, in any way other than by being himself. It’s a rare and precious opportunity for him that will change his lovemaking forever as he relaxes into himself and learns what it is like to feel full bodied, heart connected pleasure. It’s likely that he’s never experienced himself in this way before. The bonus for the woman who shares this practice with him is that helping him to feel himself this way ensures he will feel her more easily too…yummy things for both the giver and receiver!

This is not about performing, he doesn’t even need to get an erection. If he doesn’t nothing is wrong, his body may just be profoundly relaxing. There is still much pleasure he can experience, as surprisingly he doesn’t require an erection to feel it! You both just need to let go of attachment to the idea that an erection is the only measure of his pleasure and desire and notice what else is going on.

Lingam Massage

 

  • Invite your man into the bedroom by letting him know you have a special treat for him, and that all he has to do is just relax!
  • Have him lie on his back with you sitting on a cushion facing him, with his butt in your lap and his throttle in your hot little hands. (You can rest your legs along either side of his chest). This is actually quite a vulnerable position for him to be in so be gentle and loving in how you approach him.
  • Invite him to rest his hands on your knees so he can feel connected to you but make sure he doesn’t caress you as this is about him receiving and feeling himself. If he’s doing he’s more likely to be outside of himself rather than connecting within.
  • Rest both hands over his genitals for a few moments and look him in the eyes whilst reassuring him all he has to do is breathe, relax and receive.
  • Move one had up to his heart and ask him to take a few deep breaths, exhaling out through his mouth.
  • Using a natural oil such as coconut or a long-lasting lubricant massage his genitals. Include the whole area- his lingam, inner thighs, pubic area, balls, ball sack, and his perineum (the area between his balls and his anus). Don’t be afraid to explore. Keep one hand stroking his lingam (or keep coming back to it) to keep his attention focussed.
  • If he’s particularly sensitive stroke gently, if he likes it more firmly then use more pressure, keep checking in with him how he likes it in each area.
  • Keep encouraging him to breathe deeply, exhaling at the back of his throat.
  • If his arousal starts to peak, pause your movements (but keep your hands on him) ask him to inhale and imagine he’s breathing his pleasure up to his heart. As he exhales he relaxes his pelvic floor muscles (the ones between his legs) and imagines his pleasure spreading through his body. This is called surfing the edge and will bring his arousal down enough for you to keep playing. It might take 3 or 4 breaths for his arousal to shift, you’ll know it’s working when his lingam softens slightly.
  • To help take his pleasure up to his heart, run your hand from his lingam up his belly to his heart. This gives his mind a concrete sensation to focus on. He may feel an ‘energetic block’ between his lingam and his heart, if he does trust this is real, invite him to keep relaxing, breathing his energy up and see what happens. With practice this block will dissolve or shift.

You might just be massaging his genitals yet in reality you’ve got his heart in your hands as well, allowing it to gently crack open a little each time. You keep him safe by being present, loving and connected.

Spend about an hour here. Take your time, relax into the moment rather than seek any particular outcome.

You don’t need any specific techniques (if you know 2, you’ll know one more than him). Vary your speed, pressure, location (base, middle, tip) and make sure you keep lots of oil or lube up, as if you don’t he’ll get sore and this is not what you want!Self pleasuring is vital for men too

Mostly just put your love into your hands and eyes and invite him to drink it in, this is better than any fancy technique and the more you’re in your own heart the more you’ll give him permission to feel his…

Keep his attention on what he’s feeling inside himself, whatever it is. Ask him about it occasionally- he may not have any words for it himself as yet (he’s probably never been asked to explain it before!).  He feeling heat, tingling, desire, pleasure, pressure, softening, connection, opening, expansion.

As you massage remember to breathe yourself, as this keeps your energy flowing and you relaxed too. Enjoy the feeling of having your man allowing you into his most vulnerable of places. Validate him for going there and keep your words to those of love and encouragement, as you imagine you would like in his position.

Be open to whatever happens.

As we said, you might just be massaging his genitals but such is the power of this practice it can open up all sorts of previously undiscovered places and feelings in a man. One of which will definitely be enormous gratitude! Getting him used to feeling will increase your man’s desire to take his time in lovemaking, to trust opening his heart and to trust you in the process- serious gifts for any relationship!

This practice is the beginning of a man experiencing full bodied pleasure, lasting longer, non ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms so it’s worth doing regularly and his experience will be different each time. As his lovemaking will become.

If you like this practice and would like to explore further consider bringing in some sexual healing as outlined here on our Sexual Healing page

Despite his conditioning a man hugely benefits from exploring his ability to feel, especially when it comes to the bedroom and it in no way makes him less manly. Rather, it makes him just the opposite!

We respectfully teach Lingam Massage in our Couples Retreats and where helpful in our Couples Sessions!

If you have any questions about this practice please don’t hesitate to contact us.

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CONTACT US:

Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

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