Listening with curiosity rather than judgement…
It’s human nature to get into habits…
And these habits are also a way of avoiding living constantly in the unfamiliar, which can be highly stressful for some…
In relationship, habits can work both for and against us.
Creating habits does work for us in the building of unique little rituals only we share, creating feelings of connection.
Some habits can also work against us, in creating and allowing unhealthy relationship patterns, such as taking our partners for granted.
Habits like taking our partners for granted can be a fast track to relationship boredom and dissatisfaction.
Here is how it can happen, and that it is also possible to learn embodied listening with curiosity as a way out of boredom and into fascination.
In new relationship there seems to be so much to talk about.
In the bubble of new love you’re completely fascinated by each other, literally hanging on each other’s words.
You’re fully engaged in the moment with them, hours seem to disappear, making time seem meaningless.
If you think back on it, you were probably not only hearing their words you also noticed their facial expressions, the nuances of their body language, subliminal messaging and even their tone of voice.
Your own body was involved in the conversation as well, feeling tinglings of excitement, an openness and an aliveness that felt totally engaging.
But after a while it begins to seem as if you’ve heard it all before.
You assume there’s nothing new coming and your interest level wanes.
It becomes easier to check out the TV, Facebook or your emails rather than give your partner your full 
attention.
You believe you know what this once fascinating person is going to say before they even open their mouths and quickly start to tune out and think of other things.
It’s the same thing with your own sharings, you think they’ve heard you all before, that they’ll be assuming they know it all and that you will have little new to say.
Sharing becomes a bore and you wonder where has the spark gone?
But the spark hasn’t really disappeared, it’s just that where you’re coming from in your listening isn’t creating or allowing the spark to ignite.
You’re listening to your significant other from your intellectual self, where your judgements and assumptions come easily.
Are you judging your partner based on the past rather than experiencing them fully in the now, as you used to do ?
Are you assuming you know what the other’s talking, rather than actually listening to what they are trying to communicate?
This becomes an assumption that you know everything about who the other person is, and listening to answer, rather than listening to actually hear and feel into what they trying to communicate.
You might actually know who they’ve been, but you don’t know who they’re being right now if you’re not truly listening, and miss out on seeing their growth and change.
And you’ll miss who they’re becoming as it hasn’t happened yet.
Don’t you want to be there to find out?
The information they’re sharing may be the same as they (or you) have shared before.
But this person has lived more of their life since the last time they shared and their life experience makes the different.
They may be in a different space emotionally or energetically.
Don’t just listen to the story and assume you know all about it, and therefore all about them (which is not only 
limiting it is also shaming).
Do yourself a favour and see your spouse in this moment as a whole new being you’ve never met before.
Do all those things you used to do without thinking, put all of your attention onto who they are being right now, observe rather than judge, listen with your body, listen with your heart rather than your head, feel into them as well as hear them.
Ask open questions, inviting more of them to emerge..
Ask opening questions that invite deeper sharing such as ‘how was that for you?’ or ‘can you tell me more about that?’
This spark of curiosity in you allows previously unforseen questions to arise in you so you can ask them.
All this extra information will be totally new and interesting as it has never happened before in exactly this way.
The same is true for you, you’re different from the person you were when you last heard this information. What is it that you are noticing in yourself?
Relationships are either growing or dying
One of the things that stops us from fully seeing or listening with our whole self is that we may feel uncomfortable or have fear over what we may find.
We may hear our partner’s pain, feel their walls or maybe their lack of presence with us.
We’re tempted to make this about us but the skill is in seeing that where they’re at is about them.
How we perceive them is about us.
If you can separate yourself from them and hear, see and feel them as a multi layered, unique being at this particular moment in their own world, having their own experience from a place of curiosity you will find a fascination that never leaves.
Offering our presence in this way can allow our significant other to share more openly as well.
There’s nothing like an engaged, available listener to inspire a person to new heights.
After all, isn’t that what used to happen?
Your partner will feel seen, heard and even loved, unconsciously inviting the same from them.
Yet this is about being curious for ourselves, to create our own satisfying relationship experiences rather than expecting anything in return, for expectations deny possibilities.
Practice: Experience your next conversation with your partner as above rather than just listening with your intellect and see what happens!
important aspect of how we experience, express and create our reality. The list of potential desires is as endless and varied as is the human race. Our desires come in two different forms, desires that serve simply ourselves and desires that serve ourselves whilst benefitting others and the world around us.
We have found that the more desperate you find yourself in your need/desire then the more likely there is something in this need/desire for you to give to yourself, rather than get it (or an aspect of it) from your partner. It can be your psyche’s way of screaming at you to see yourself more clearly. Do yourself a favour and listen as you can experience profound shifts in both yourself and your relationship as a result.
It helps us be more present with our lovers and will not only spread your pleasure into a more full bodied experience whilst increasing the intensity of your orgasm and build sexual stamina.
In the absence of any other model of power, if the oppressed person (group, community, society or country) happens to gain power at any time they often reverse the experience for their former oppressors and dominate them back. Perhaps enjoying their moment of revenge, but mostly not knowing any other way. We see this in the disempowered spouse who badmouths their controlling partner behind their back, enjoying the sympathy of their friends but not addressing the situation directly with their partner.
connect and share but not at the loss of ourselves. Our goal is growth rather than harmony, but may of course include it. From a place of clarity and mutual respect, we can honestly express our desires, manage our boundaries and explore a multitude of outcomes for any given situation rather than just one or two. Yet we have a strong inner bullshit detector which prevents us from getting caught in a quagmire for long, forming a co-creative power with others for an inspiring end result.
assume it is almost impossible to have one without the other! Many a great book, movie or song is testament to this fact.
Here we’re NOT attempting to excuse our partner if they’ve been behaving in an inappropriate manner, see 
partner to instantly stop doing what it is that makes us jealous, or for what has happened to make us jealous not to have happened. Both these things are outside of our control so here we focus on what we can control.
Mark was working long hours, successful in his business but paying for it through the stress he carried, stress that lead him to slump down in front of the TV at night, with a ‘leave me alone’ wall emanating from him. Which was better than the nights he had to take his anger out on Jenny by picking a fight with her. He wondered if he might be a bit depressed, but this thought was too hard to deal with so he avoided it. He did worry about his almost non existent libido, but didn’t know what to do about it. Mark felt very much in charge at work but when it came to the bedroom he didn’t have the answers and was scared to look. He dealt with his fear by being angry and keeping Jenny at a distance.
Jenny was a very loving, passionate woman. She longed for more lovemaking in her relationship but she was scared of Mark’s anger and found it impossible to breach his unavailability. Feeling powerless, she carried a lot of frustration about the lack of passion in her relationship, as well as the lack of intimacy that stemmed from it. So much so that she had a luscious affair a few months ago, that ended when her lover ran away from her emotional intensity. This left Jenny even more angry and now feeling guilty as well. She’d was having therapy that helped her feel more normal and less guilty but left her still burdened with a deeper level of ongoing frustration.
accommodation, including an abundance of great cafes, succulent fresh fish, daily walks and swims, even a local yoga class.
Jenny had her beliefs about her sexuality validated. It wasn’t that she was needy or demanding, more that she was following her body’s intuition about the importance of sex for her as part of her vitality and life force, her very survival. In fact, she had felt like she was dying (or crazy) having to shut it down when sex was unavailable. She learned new ways to nurture her sexuality outside of sex that gave her a new lust for life itself.
home because it takes more than just a few days to change life long patterns, Annette and Graeme 
In doing so he unknowingly avoids his own vulnerability, the vulnerability it takes to be an amazing lover, as this involves getting more present, more fully into his body, feeling more and opening his heart.
