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Getting to know the stranger

January 25, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Listening with curiosity rather than judgement…

It’s human nature to get into habits…

And these habits are also a way of avoiding  living constantly in the unfamiliar, which can be highly stressful for some…

In relationship, habits can work both for and against us.

Creating habits does work for us in the building of unique little rituals only we share, creating feelings of connection.

Some habits can also work against us, in creating and allowing  unhealthy relationship patterns, such as taking our partners for granted.

Habits like taking our partners for granted can be a fast track to relationship boredom and dissatisfaction.

Here is how it can happen, and that it is also possible to learn embodied listening with curiosity as a way out of  boredom and  into fascination.

In new relationship there seems to be so much to talk about.

In the bubble of new love you’re completely fascinated by each other, literally hanging on each other’s words.

You’re fully engaged in the moment with them, hours seem to disappear, making time seem meaningless.

If you think back on it, you were probably not only hearing their words you also noticed their facial expressions, the nuances of their body language, subliminal messaging and even their tone of voice.

Your own body was involved in the conversation as well, feeling tinglings of excitement, an openness and an aliveness that felt totally engaging.

But after a while it begins to seem as if you’ve heard it all before.

You assume there’s nothing new coming and your interest level wanes.

It becomes easier to check out the TV, Facebook or your emails rather than give your partner your full disconnected coupleattention.

You believe you know what this once fascinating person is going to say before they even open their mouths and quickly start to tune out and think of other things.

It’s the same thing with your own sharings, you think they’ve heard you all before, that they’ll be assuming they know it all and that you will have little new to say.

Sharing becomes a bore and you wonder where has the spark gone?

But the spark hasn’t really disappeared, it’s just that where you’re coming from in your listening isn’t creating or allowing the spark to ignite.

You’re listening to your significant other from your intellectual self, where your judgements and assumptions come easily.

Are you judging your partner based on the past rather than experiencing them fully in the now, as you used to do ?

Are you assuming you know what the other’s talking,  rather than actually listening to what they are trying to communicate?

This becomes an assumption that you know everything about who the other person is, and listening to answer, rather than listening to actually hear and feel into what they trying to communicate.

You might actually know who they’ve been, but you don’t know who they’re being right now if you’re not truly listening, and miss out on seeing their growth and change.

And you’ll miss who they’re becoming as it hasn’t happened yet.

Don’t you want to be there to find out?

The information they’re sharing may be the same as they (or you) have shared before.

But this person has lived more of their life since the last time they shared and their life experience makes the different.

They may be in a different space emotionally or energetically.

Don’t just listen to the story and assume you know all about it, and therefore all about them (which is not only Creating Safety in Intimacylimiting it is also shaming).

Do yourself a favour and see your spouse in this moment as a whole new being you’ve never met before.

Do all those things you used to do without thinking, put all of your attention onto who they are being right now, observe rather than judge, listen with your body, listen with your heart rather than your head, feel into them as well as hear them.

Ask open questions, inviting more of them to emerge..

Ask opening questions that invite deeper sharing such as ‘how was that for you?’ or ‘can you tell me more about that?’

This spark of curiosity in you allows previously unforseen questions to arise in you so you can ask them.

All this extra information will be totally new and interesting as it has never happened before in exactly this way.

The same is true for you, you’re different from the person you were when you last heard this information. What is it that you are noticing in yourself?

Relationships are either growing or dying

One of the things that stops us from fully seeing or listening with our whole self is that we may feel uncomfortable or have fear over what we may find.

We may hear our partner’s pain, feel their walls or maybe their lack of presence with us.

We’re tempted to make this about us but the skill is in seeing that where they’re at is about them.

How we perceive them is about us.

If you can separate yourself from them and hear, see and feel them as a multi layered, unique being at this particular moment in their own world, having their own experience from a place of curiosity you will find a fascination that never leaves.

Offering our presence in this way can allow our significant other to share more openly as well.

There’s nothing like an engaged, available listener to inspire a person to new heights.

After all, isn’t that what used to happen?

Your partner will feel seen, heard and even loved, unconsciously inviting the same from them.

Yet this is about being curious for ourselves, to create our own satisfying relationship experiences rather than expecting anything in return, for expectations deny possibilities.

Practice: Experience your next conversation with your partner as above rather than just listening with your intellect and see what happens!

How To Ask For Your Needs and Desires

January 3, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As asking can be a challenge…

In relationship one of the most difficult and vulnerable things can be to ask for what it is you need, even more so for what you might desire. And the more you need or desire it the harder it can be to ask! We show you how below.

First let’s explore what is the difference between our needs and desires?

Our needs reflect our humanity and are common to all of us.

Some needs we literally cannot live without, like air, water and food. Some are more important for our emotional wellbeing like acceptance and love, some our spirituals wellbeing like the need for space and inspiration (see further list at end of article). Whatever the need without it our quality of life would be significantly worse off. The value we place on different needs makes us unique but the underlying need for them is universal.

Our desires reflect our individual uniqueness.

They are what we choose in our lives that say ‘this is who we are’. Our desires are things we can survive without yet they are an Fear of changeimportant aspect of how we experience, express and create our reality. The list of potential desires is as endless and varied as is the human race. Our desires come in two different forms, desires that serve simply ourselves and desires that serve ourselves whilst benefitting others and the world around us.

Our needs and desires are the place in relationship where we find both challenge and opportunity.

It’s not our partner’s obligation to fulfil our needs and desires, or ours to fulfil our partner’s.  We commit to being together and supporting each other in whatever way we can, this is what builds love.  Sharing each others desires brings creativity, aliveness and growth. Carrying the unspoken expectation that our partner’s will be there for everything we need and want (and vice versa) is imposing our child needs onto our adult relationship and is a fast way to permanent victim status for the ‘child’ and relationship burnout for the ‘parent’.

Asking for what you Need and Desire:

The asking for what we need and want, in this age of independence can still be the sticking point for many of us.

Here we offer you some simple but powerful tips on how to go about it as clearly as possible…

  1. Identify what it is that you need/desire as clearly as you can.
  2. Believe absolutely in your right to ask for what you need/desire. The asking is separate to getting it. Feel this belief in you as you ask.
  3. If you have difficulty asking for what you need/desire know what your stuff is around asking. Do you have fear of not being worthy, resentment that it won’t happen, past pain from having your desires rejected, beliefs that asking is wrong, difficulty in identifying your needs? etc. What is it that drives your resistance- identify it and acknowledge it and leave it in the past for now.
  4. Ask without any attachment at all to getting what you need/desire, in the way that you want it. This keeps your energy inside you rather than reaching out to the other where it can be chopped off at the knees. This also prevents you from unconsciously trying to hook the other person into your manipulation, leaving them free to respond authentically. If you can do this the rest will be much easier.what do we do with our sexuality
  5. Be willing to receive a ‘no’ before you ask the question.
  6. Avoid hinting, implying, suggesting or any other covert methods of asking for what you want. Just be clear, open and direct so the other person can hear you.
  7. Never make a demand. Demands leave your partner 3 unhealthy options- to give in, to resist or to fight back. No good outcomes.
  8. Avoid asking from the negative eg. “You never get home on time when I want you to, what’s the point of asking. Will you this time?” Not very inviting, but very common.
  9. Make it clear what outcome getting what you need/desire will create for you. This will inspire your partner to get onto your team and help you manifest it. For example: “If you put the kids to bed for me tonight I will feel really cared about, loved and close to you” or “If you send me a sexy text whilst I am at work today I will feel seen, validated and loved by you”.
  10. Ask if there is anything they need to be able to help you achieve what you need/desire eg. “Would it make it easier for you if I put the kids pj’s out on the bed for you?” or “Would it make it easier for you if I gave you a melting hug and a kiss before I left for work this morning?” This allows your partner to feel like they’re on your team.Paul & Christine
  11. Hear your partner’s ‘no’ without judgement. Don’t stay in the ‘no’, make space for something else to arise. Be willing to negotiate. Even better, be willing to get what you want in ways that might surprise you.
  12. If your partner can’t meet your need/desire meet your own eg. by giving ourselves a hug or a cup of tea. Then think about how else, or who else can help you get your need/desire met.
  13. Or is there another need you can meet that will support you to relax around your current need/desire? if one of your needs/desires has a big ‘empty tank’ you will have less flexibility in how willing you are to negotiate with it. In fact a big empty tank can make a desire feel like a real need instead. Once your tank has been filled up a bit you will feel more nurtured and a lot safer to have an open mind about your current need/desire.
  14. See Creative Need Fulfilment Activity below.
  15. If you’re finding it difficult to identify your need/desire let the other person know this before you start, own it as being about you. Invite them (or someone else if appropriate) to help you explore what your need/desire might be, just be clear this is a separate conversation to the one where you actually ask for what it is you need/desire.
  16. If your partner consistently rejects your request ask them in a non judgemental way what their reason is for doing so. Be prepared to listen and you will probably learn something useful.

Remember that life is all about change, ebb and flow and humans are no different. There will be times when you will have more needs/desires, or neediness in your needs/desires than others, and the same will be true for your partner. Having your needs/desires out in the open will help you move through their changes.

Desperation a Key!

Tantric fire in the heartWe have found that the more desperate you find yourself in your need/desire then the more likely there is something in this need/desire for you to give to yourself, rather than get it (or an aspect of it) from your partner. It can be your psyche’s way of screaming at you to see yourself more clearly. Do yourself a favour and listen as you can experience profound shifts in both yourself and your relationship as a result.

If you find your needs/desires are continually going unmet first review whether you’ve attempted to meet them yourself. Then review the section on ‘How to ask for what you want’ to check out if the way you’re asking for what you want is getting in your way. If you’re clear in these then it’s vital to discuss what is happening with your partner, as this is not a viable long term situation for you.

People commonly think what is the point of being in relationship if the other person isn’t there to fill our needs/desires if we can meet our own anyway? We find what is left is a clearer desire to simply be together…

Creative Need Fulfilment

There are times when our partners (or others) cannot meet our needs/desires, as much as they might like to. How can we embrace our needs/desires without unnecessarily imposing them on others?

We can do so by using our higher intelligence.

As your mind doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality you can experience yourself having your need or desire met simply using the power of your mind and body.Woman Meditation

Centre yourself, imagine yourself experiencing your need or desire fully, fill it out in your imagination as clearly as you can. Then ask for help in meeting this need or desire from your creative self or your higher power, whatever this might mean to you. Allow your imagination to fulfil your need or desire in the most creative way possible, feeling it in your heart and body if the is helpful. Fully embrace the moment.

Then either just enjoy what you’ve received without needing anything more, or use the creative suggestions that have arisen through your intuitive imagination to set about fulfilling your need or desire.

If you’re still having difficulty with needs and desires in your relationship how about contacting Annette or Graeme from Oztantra for a chat about how you can improve your strike rate on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Common Human Needs

Physical Wellbeing
Air, food, exercise/movement, rest/sleep, safety, shelter, sexual expression, touch, water
Connection
Acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand, to be understood, to like and be liked, to need and be needed, trust, warmth.
Honesty
Authenticity, integrity, presence.
Play
Adventure, diversity, fun, excitement, challenge, risk, joy, humour.
Peace
Beauty, communion, ease, equality, balance, harmony, inspiration, predictability, order.
Autonomy
Choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity.
Meaning
Awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding.
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org

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Core Values: Know Them For Your Relationship

January 3, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Your Core Values are an important part of who you are.

They will be directing your behaviour in your relationship whether you know it or not.

So it’s much better to know and be in the drivers seat of your relationship…fighting the shadow

Your core values are the main set of beliefs you carry from your upbringing and your life experience that you believe are important to who you are and the way you live and living them makes you feel good about yourself.

In times of challenge these are the beliefs that you keep coming back to, that are your ‘bottom line’.

Your core values are the ones that stay in place for very long periods of time and tend to endure even when other aspects of your life change.

Other values may change over time but core ones are more stable, more a part of your essential self. They determine your standards, your priorities, and they’re the measures you use to tell if your life is turning out the way you want it to. If you don’t have them, how will you know if you’re acting in your own best interests? How will you know if something feels right? How will you know if something feels wrong? How will you know when you need to step back and take action that may involve opting out? How can you stay you, if you don’t have your core values, the fundamental, absolutely necessary things that help to determine your sense of self and help you feel good and enjoy the good in life? How can you respect yourself if you’re quick to abandon your values to adopt someone else’s?

Partners who share core values find relationship easier to deal with times of difficulty. Few people will give up their core values for another’s, though they can shift over time.

There are no right or wrong core values, only the ones we choose to live by.

A few Examples of Core Values:

I treat others as I would like them to treat me
Complete honesty is best at all timeshappy couple
Money is more important than lifestyle
I believe in always being optimistic
Partners should share everything in relationship
I value having space for myself in relationship
I am monogamous in my relationship
My partner needs to share my political/religious/spiritual beliefs

Core Values Activity

Take the time to write out a list of your core values.
Start with what is most obvious and keeping your mind open work your way through to ones that may surprise you.
If you’re not sure of what they are look at the results of your choices and work your way back to the belief.

What do you believe these values offer you, and your relationship?

How are you going with living your core values? Are there any changes you can make so you are living in a place of integrity with yourself?Paul & Christine

Pick a time to share some with your partner. Take the time to show them who you are.
Invite them to do the same.

Feel the increased level of connection, safety and love that can arise from having clarity in your shared values.

If you have differing values, notice how they impact on your relationship.

Best Ever Relationship Tool!

December 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

It’s breathing!

You’ve probably never thought about breathing as a relationship tool, but it is a powerful one.

Not to mention all the benefits breathing has to offer you as an individual, apart from the obvious one of keeping you alive!

Breathing In is the first thing we do when we’re born.Woman breastfeedingcanstockphoto40881870

Breathing out is the last thing we do before we die.

And the way we breathe in between not only keeps us alive, it has a significant impact on our quality of life in between…

Maybe you’ve noticed how your breath changes depending on how you feel: short and shallow when you’re stressed, deeper and slower when you’re relaxed. Your breath changes when you yawn, sigh, cry or laugh. Not only that but you can change how you feel by actively changing your breath.

We invite you to fall in love with breathing…

This alone will change your relationship! And the exciting thing about quality breathing is that it’s effects are cumulative- the more you do it the quicker and more longer lasting the impact.

From a relationship point of view breathing can:

  • Awareness of our breathing connects us to ourselves. This is a good thing as the more we’re connected to ourselves the more we have to share with another.
  • Deep breathing helps us get relaxed, present and grounded, making it easier for us to know what to say and to hear what our significant other is really saying!
  • Help move emotions through our bodies, avoiding stuckness and mental drama. The more we breathe the more we feel, release and shift.
  • Increase access to our intuitive wisdom and our heart’s truth as well as bring mental clarity.
  • Accelerated breathing increases our sexual pleasure, deep slow breathing spreads it through our bodies, producing altered states and even spiritual experiences!

 

Research shows that breathing does a lot more too!

Amongst other things breathing:

  • Decreases stress and promotes relaxationrelaxation for female desire and arousal
  • Helps to decrease anxiety and depression
  • Increases happiness and optimism
  • Increases self awareness
  • Improves focus and concentration
  • Improves sleep
  • Strengthens our ability to regulate our emotions
  • Improves symptoms of trauma
  • Reduces impulsivity, cravings and addictionsFreedom
  • Decreases stress and regulates our body’s level of cortisol, the stress hormone
  • Strengthens our immunity by altering the genes responsible for them
  • Reduces pain and activation of the pain centres in the brain
  • Improves digestion
  • Oxygenates muscles for better function
  • Detoxifies and releases toxins, removes carbon dioxide from the blood, replacing it with oxygen

Someone who is less stressed and depressed, more aware, happier, thinks clearer, sleeps well, regulates their emotions, isn’t ruled by addictions, stress or pain with a healthy tummy and fitter body would be much easier to be in relationship with, don’t you agree?

So take a pause and breathe…

Breathing mindfully can also help your relationship by helping you become less reactive. Can you imagine if instead of saying something mean, you were able to mentally step back and chill before talking? Wouldn’t that be nice? If the state of your mind affects the breath the reverse is true as well and here’s how it can help your relationship. The next time you’re arguing with your partner try taking longer, deeper breaths. Notice how that can quickly reduce anger and connect us with ourselves, allow us to look at the situation from a new perspective.

 

And last but not least breathing is a natural aphrodisiac

Oztantric intimacyIt helps us be more present with our lovers and will not only spread your pleasure into a more full bodied experience whilst increasing the intensity of your orgasm and build sexual stamina.

Falling in love with your breath will help you fall deeper and stay in love with your partner, with yourself and with life!

Breathing Activity:

An optimal breath comes by breathing deeply in through your nose into your belly, allowing your belly to fill, expanding up into your chest and exhaling through a slightly open mouth.

Try practicing breathing (mindfully) as often as you can remember.

Put up little notes around the house, at your computer, on your dashboard, in your meditation, when you exercise, getting ready for sleep, helping you wake up, put a breathing reminder app on our phone, anywhere and everywhere…

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Power Over vs Power Within

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Where is the power in your relationship?

Power is what the world runs on. It is no surprise it turns up in our relationships! Power struggles often loom large between people in intimate relationship. Power struggles that leave us feeling like only one person can ‘win’ in a situation and the other must ‘lose’.

Can you relate to using phrases like this?Seeing feelings as energy in motion

  • You must/should
  • You can’t
  • If you loved me
  • If you don’t, I…
  • If you do this for me, only then will I…
  • I must because you aren’t

This is because we’re brought up in a society with a singular model of power- that of Power Of or Power Over. Yet we have more than just this one model of power available to us. Here we explore five different types of power, finding the value and the negatives in each. You can see how they’re playing out in, or might be of value, in your own relationship.

‘Power Of’ and ‘Power Over’ are everywhere and are largely how the world at this point works. They leave couples stuck in and endless cycle of power struggle, point scoring and payback. The more unequal the power in this model the more corrupt it can become. Its corruption means the one in power has control, but misses true happiness. It also encourages the dominated person to remain the eternal child, or become a victim, rather than inviting them to become whole in themselves.

Power Of:

‘Power Of’ is where one person (group, community, society or country) has more of something than another, that the other

Tantric Massage energy

needs or wants. This can be knowledge, money, resources, will, skill etc. Even an electricity switch has the power over us, letting us see, keeping us warm, clean, fed and in communication with others. The positive use of this power is when the one with is able to share with the one who is without. Abuse of this power is where they withhold it, where one wins and the other loses. In relationship this dynamic commonly plays out around sex and love, leaving partner’s on the opposite side of the relationship fence.

Power Over:

The ‘Power Over’ model is where one person has power over the other person (or one group over another group, community, society or country). This power comes from a dominant controlling force coercing a lesser power to submit. ‘Power Over’ is maintained through dominance and persistence, certainty and control.

This power can be benevolent, for example, a parent making a child come home at a certain time for their own safety. It may be an impersonal force such as the Tax office requiring your annual tax return, or a government instigating an anti-discrimination policy for you to adhere to. canstockphoto32894664

The one with the power sets the rules, the one under it feels the impact. For example, the person in the relationship with the higher earnings determines where the couple lives. Occasionally ‘Power Over’ can come from underneath, when a victim exhibits a learned helplessness in order to get their needs met. canstockphoto40881870For example, the mother who has sat at home all day feigning tiredness so her husband will fix dinner and put the kids to bed.

At its best, ‘Power Over’ offers a sense of safety, guidance and caring for the one being controlled, such as the husband who organizes care for his ill wife making her feel safe, cared for and loved. It also offers a sense of leadership, direction and sovereignty for the one in power, such as the emotionally intelligent wife holding a nonjudgmental space for her husband to safely feel his emotions.

canstockphoto33132047In the absence of any other model of power, if the oppressed person (group, community, society or country) happens to gain power at any time they often reverse the experience for their former oppressors and dominate them back.  Perhaps enjoying their moment of revenge, but mostly not knowing any other way. We see this in the disempowered spouse who badmouths their controlling partner behind their back, enjoying the sympathy of their friends but not addressing the situation directly with their partner.

The negatives in this power model are that it can easily be self-serving and abused through overt anger, covert criticism and manipulation, repression, force, discrimination, corruption, and more, leaving the dominated person feeling powerless and oppressed. ‘Power Over’ by itself is not the healthiest model for relationship.

Power With:

‘Power With’ is about being inclusive, finding common ground and building together through a collective strength. It sees each person (group, community, society or country) as a part of the same team, with their differences as creative opportunities. It seeks to build bridges and minimize conflict rather than create struggle. ‘Power With’ acts not from self-interest, but sees the views and desires of all as having equal value, recognizing and addressing them alike. Honesty, transparency and respect for each other are key parts to this model. Each person is invited to see their actions as part of a greater whole and out of each person’s valued expression comes the insight required to find new ways and solutions for the whole.Creating Safety in Intimacy

Unlike ‘Power Over’, where one person must continually reinforce it to sustain it, ‘Power With’ emerges organically from the process of creating it, and grows stronger the more it is put to use. ‘Power With’ is a form of co-creative collaboration with a common goal.

Rather than a husband saying ‘this is the way it’s going to be because I say’ and the wife ‘going along’ in order to create the minimum amount of conflict (or vice versa) ‘Power With’ offers a different path. The husband and wife get together to discuss their differing desires with the mutual underlying goal of creating a happy relationship through win/win outcomes. John visits his mate and Pauline takes her daughter shopping for baby clothes on Saturday so they can both go cycling together on Sunday. They negotiate their individual wishes for the good of the relationship because they know if the relationship is cared for so will they be.

The negatives in this power model are that it takes a degree of time, experience and skill to practice it. Some people are unable (at least initially) to identify and express their desires and work towards a mutually agreeable outcome. Unless this model is done authentically, with honest input, it can become a place of nobody going anywhere and nothing getting done.

Empowerment:

‘Empowerment’ refers to the unique potential of every person (group, community, society or country) to shape his or her own life and world. It is the ability to take action and create our own outcomes. It is where we as the individual, have the hope and self-confidence to believe we can make a difference. As well as the self-assertiveness, decision making power and ability to learn whatever skills and find whatever resources we need to accomplish our desires. ‘I am empowered to the degree to which I can construct what I need all by myself and don’t have to get it from someone else’.Empowered older woman

The negatives in this model are that there are many things in life we cannot do alone, that take more than one person and require a degree of relationship to do so. In fact, there are very few things we accomplish totally alone, even the chair you’re sitting on to read this book was made by another, several others by the time it moves from design, production, sale and transport to your home. Believing we do everything ourselves creates unnecessary arrogance and isolation.  And there are many things we choose, even long, to share with others. Intimacy with another is about connecting, sharing and co creating together.

So whilst empowerment is important, we need a further model of power that includes more than just the self.

 Power within:

‘Power Within’ comes from an inner sense of self (group, community, society or country) from knowing we are separate to, yet part of the world around us, from having identified our own intrinsic value. ‘Power Within’ means we’re no longer reliant on external sources of power- money, looks, achievements, symbols of status or fame to feel happy or good about ourselves.

Men's Focus Group

Having ‘Power Within’ means we can stay centred, grounded and open hearted no matter what life (or our partner) throws at us. When we become off balanced, as can happen when challenged in life and relationship, we know the place to find our centre, and our answers is within us. It is the power that results from doing deep inner emotional and spiritual work to heal the pain, fears and false beliefs acquired in childhood that create the limited Ego mask we present to the world. The Ego mask that fears loss of safety, security, of self, of those we love or need love from. Without this inner work we are forever stuck in the Ego’s fear based desire for control, for ‘Power Over’ others and outcomes.

To find ‘Power Within’ we connect with ourselves, drop focussing on everything around us, stop giving our power away by looking for it outside of ourselves, stop giving it away by blaming others and making them responsibility for our reality.

‘Power Within’ means we have awareness of others as well as self, with access to empathy and compassion. We can care, Couples Counsellingconnect and share but not at the loss of ourselves. Our goal is growth rather than harmony, but may of course include it. From a place of clarity and mutual respect, we can honestly express our desires, manage our boundaries and explore a multitude of outcomes for any given situation rather than just one or two. Yet we have a strong inner bullshit detector which prevents us from getting caught in a quagmire for long, forming a co-creative power with others for an inspiring end result.

The negative of ‘Power Within’ is that it takes time, effort and skill to find it. However, once you see it you know nothing else is worth it. Once you have it (even moments of it) there are no downsides.

Activity:

In relationship (as in life) we can access the full range of power models according to what is required in any given situation- Power Of, Power Over (benevolent), Power with, Empowerment in the self as well as Power Within.

 Examine your relationship power model and see what is working and what more could be achieved through using a range of different power models, whilst being aware of their pluses and minuses. If you are in a relationship where the dominant power is ‘Power Over’ ie. Your partner having power over you in a negative way, your first step is to focus on gaining some ‘Empowerment’ in yourself before tackling any of the other models.

If you are struggling with any unhealthy aspects of power in your relationship email us here or call 1800 TANTRA for support.

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Jealousy: facing the green eyed monster

October 21, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

How you can turn jealousy into a gift…

Without pouring acid onto your partner’s car, throwing their belongings into the street or boiling their rabbit!

Jealousy. It’s a common experience in relationships of the romantic variety, whether for a moment or a lifetime. In fact, we

Couple arguingassume it is almost impossible to have one without the other! Many a great book, movie or song is testament to this fact.

In the early stages of relationship, before a deep level of trust has developed, or to spice things up in a flat spot, a little bit of jealousy can be a good thing.  A twinge of uneasiness whilst seeing your partner across the room chatting enthusiastically to an attractive member of the opposite sex can instantly create a spurt of desire for them in yourself!

But jealousy over the long term is a gut churning, painful misery, where trust and happiness seem like a distant memory. The truth is this is saying much more about YOU than your partner. Here we look at how jealousy in ourselves can be a tool for learning rather than suffering.

It is said that jealousy only hurts the one creating it, whether there is a basis of truth in the jealousy or not.

Jealousy seems to thrive on the belief that those we’re jealous of are somehow happy, totally fulfilled, even victorious (whether it’s true or not), whilst we’re left alone filled with a seething mass of unendurable, quite visceral and primal emotions. The intensity of these feelings has us constantly focussing on the betraying partner and their ‘accomplice’, often to the exclusion of everything else. Our view of reality, driven by our out of control emotions becomes warped, making revenge seem like a reasonable response.

Although the perceptions that accompany jealousy may be distorted, the pain it gives rise to is real. The neural circuitry that underlies our psychological response to such complex social events as being accepted or rejected is the same circuitry that underlies the simplest physical pains and pleasures.

Jealousy potential with coupleHere we’re NOT attempting to excuse our partner if they’ve been behaving in an inappropriate manner, see dealing with infidelity) just to understand what we can do with the hurt we’re experiencing.

The problem with jealousy is that it isn’t just one feeling on its own, it’s a combination of several different feelings ranging from anger and even rage to envy and powerlessness. Underlying all of these is usually shame, because our partner seeking someone else leaves us feeling like we’re somehow inadequate in ourselves, leaving us with a crisis of identity. This shame is enhanced when a partner’s affair becomes public knowledge and everyone who knows us (and even some who don’t) has an opinion and often a vicarious enjoyment of seeing others going through their worst nightmare.

Our jealousy can be compounded by guilt if we believe we’ve done something to somehow ‘deserve’ the other’s behaviour, or by the socially acceptable idea of revenge if we believe we’re the wronged party.

Most of all jealousy feels so extremely uncomfortable we want to get rid of it in any way we can. We do this by wanting our jealous manpartner to instantly stop doing what it is that makes us jealous, or for what has happened to make us jealous not to have happened. Both these things are outside of our control so here we focus on what we can control.

We do this by breaking jealousy down into its different parts, making it easier to deal with.

Feelings

Rather than ‘thinking’ your feelings and being caught in the merry go round of drama get yourself grounded in your body by feeling your feet on the earth.  Breathing helps your body feel safe and you to get more present. Use your mind to scan your body and notice what it is that you’re actually feeling. Allow it to be there, breathe through it. Yes, it can be painful, but accepting it as yours will help you get a handle on it.

Thoughts

Take a look at the thoughts that drive each feeling and see what they’re telling you. See if you can relate to any of the following:

1. Anger

Anger is a feeling of explosive tension and heat in the body, clenched neck & shoulders, with a strong desire to DO something.

 Anger related thoughts:

Healthy Anger: “I don’t like this and I want it to change”
Projected anger: “How dare you”, “You’re a bastard/bitch”, “You have no right”
Revenge (aggressive anger): “You hurt me, now I want to hurt you back”
Betrayal: “This is wrong”, “You promised me”
Possessiveness: “She/He is mine and you can’t have them”
Neediness: “I am missing out on my needs being met”

2. Fear

Fear is experienced as butterflies in the solar plexus, a sick churning in the gut, a frozenness with a strong desire to hold on to whatever you can for support.

Fear related thoughts:

Suspicion: “I can’t trust you not to hurt me”
Paranoia: “There is much more going on here than I think/know/am being told”
Envy: “The other is better than me, has something that I don’t” or “I am missing out here”
Insecurity: “I need you, for me to be OK”
Hypervigilance: “To stay in control of myself I must attempt to monitor and control you”
Loss of Control: “I cannot control what is happening”
Powerlessness: “She/He can take you away from me” or “You might leave me”
Abandonment: “I would be lost and could not cope without you”

 3. Sadness

Sadness feels like a heaviness in the chest, feeling weighed down, wanting to go inside yourself and have a good cry.

Sadness related thoughts:

Grief: “I have lost something that I loved or that I believed was mine” or “I have lost my fairy tale relationship”

4. Shame:

Numbness feels like a desire to disappear and hide, a not wanting to be seen.

 Shame related thoughts:

Self-Invalidation: “This is happening because there is something wrong with me”, “I am not good enough”
Humiliation: “Others will judge me as lacking”

 5. Guilt:

Guilt feels like being in an emotional straight jacket.

 Guilt related thoughts:

 “This is happening because I deserve it in some way”

What you can do about Jealousy:

Understand that your pain is real and that you CAN do something about it other than wish it hadn’t happened/wasn’t happening.

Feeling the real feelings as they exist in your body rather than in the story in your head is a great start. Breathing and feeling through your feelings allows you to become more centred. Your feelings cannot literally hurt you, only what you do with them can. Let your hurt in at least a little bit, and allow it to open your heart. This is the gift of jealousy if we welcome it. Sounds weird but it works. Bring your heart into the massage

You’ll find your heart is much, much stronger than you’ve ever imagined if you trust it to care for you.

Once you’ve felt the feelings and reconnected with yourself you can address the underlying issues identified within the feelings.

This is how you take control, by being at choice rather than in reaction in your responses:

  • Remain connected with yourself and don’t give your power away to your ‘story’. Or to others only too willing to get in on the drama of the situation. Otherwise you’re just abandoning yourself just like your partner has.
  • Check whether your suspicions real or imagined (don’t get lost in this step).
  • See your partner’s actions as about them, not you.
  • See your response as about you, not them.
  • Give yourself permission to release your anger in a healthy way eg. pounding pillows, dancing wildly or yelling alone in the car.

Ask yourself:

    • Is there anything you’re avoiding in yourself by giving jealousy its head?
    • Is your partner giving you a not so subtle message that you’ve become emotionally unavailable to to them? Without making yourself responsible for your partner’s behaviour can you own your part in this?
    • Are there old, unreleased hurts that are being triggered for healing? Feel them.Authentic you
    • Are you feeling a need to control or possess your partner? Where are you feeling out of control or incomplete in yourself?
    • Are you clearly asking for your healthy relationship needs to be met?
    • Are you giving yourself permission to have fun and create abundance in your own life?
    • If you find yourself envying ‘the other one’ in the affair find the gold in yourself that you’re projecting onto them, turning ‘them’ into a gift for yourself ie. do you see them as more sexual, powerful, free, capable than you? Where can you find these part in yourself?
    • Can you go underneath your fear, shame and abandonment and find the part of you that is enough, no matter what?

Talk to your partner:

  • Own and express your concerns with your partner. Really listen to their response.
  • Discuss your relationship agreements about acceptable behaviour around others. If you don’t have any, create some.
  • If your partner is treating you poorly set a healthy boundary for yourself about how you would like to be treated.couple taliking
  • If your fears are unfounded own your own jealousy and what strategies you’re putting in place to deal with it. To be jealous is human, to own and deal with it is divine.

To counteract any shame or humiliation find ways to nurture and love yourself, giving yourself the attention you deserve.

If your partner is known to be repeatedly straying outside your relationship and not owning it, or being willing to work with you to heal it it’s different. If you’ve done your own work face the fact that they are unlikely to change and do yourself a favour by moving on. This can be the biggest lesson of all. Otherwise what is this saying about you?

Don’t make jealousy wrong

The vital thing with jealousy is to feel it, and the vulnerability it brings without making it wrong. Take a breath into your jealousy and welcome it in. For if you let it it will open your heart more deeply to parts of yourself you haven’t known before, because jealousy is a powerful heart opener and teacher. See that your jealousy driven stories don’t need to be true.

Know you can be enough in yourself in any circumstances, if you give yourself permission to believe it.

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Relationship Healing Experience

October 1, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

This is the story of Mark & Jenny’s relationship healing

 

Mark & Jenny were a couple who sort of believed they still loved each other.
But their daily reality wasn’t bearing that out.

Read how they moved form disconnection, anger and uncertainty into something new and rewarding.

Their story is one unique version of the many couples who come to us from across Australia and overseas for one of our individually focussed Ultimate Couples Getaways. It’s a story of relationship healing…

This is Mark

ManMark was working long hours, successful in his business but paying for it through the stress he carried, stress that lead him to slump down in front of the TV at night, with a ‘leave me alone’ wall emanating from him. Which was better than the nights he had to take his anger out on Jenny by picking a fight with her. He wondered if he might be a bit depressed, but this thought was too hard to deal with so he avoided it. He did worry about his almost non existent libido, but didn’t know what to do about it. Mark felt very much in charge at work but when it came to the bedroom he didn’t have the answers and was scared to look. He dealt with his fear by being angry and keeping Jenny at a distance.

This is Jenny

mature womanJenny was a very loving, passionate woman. She longed for more lovemaking in her relationship but she was scared of Mark’s anger and found it impossible to breach his unavailability. Feeling powerless, she carried a lot of frustration about the lack of passion in her relationship, as well as the lack of intimacy that stemmed from it. So much so that she had a luscious affair a few months ago, that ended when her lover ran away from her emotional intensity. This left Jenny even more angry and now feeling guilty as well. She’d was having therapy that helped her feel more normal and less guilty but left her still burdened with a deeper level of ongoing frustration.

Persistence Pays

Jenny urged Mark to consider coming to counselling with her. He was very resistant to the idea of exposing his vulnerabilities to a complete stranger and kept saying no. Jenny kept looking for an answer. She wanted to feel connected with Mark again and have a real relationship, not just go through the motions and look for real intimacy outside of it. Especially after their youngest son, Trent, left home at the end of the year leaving Mark and Jenny alone in the house.Getaways lessen divorce

Eventually Jenny found Oztantra’s Ultimate Couples Getaways and spoke to Annette and Graeme about their approach to relationship counselling. Amazed at even being able to speak to them upfront at no cost, Jenny sensed that here were two people who might have the solution she was desperate for. Otherwise it felt like the end of the road for her in her relationship with Mark. Annette and Graeme got right to the point of where she was at and what she wanted, whilst being relaxed and approachable. Jenny felt hopeful.

Something New

Mark agreed to speak to these guys because he could do it from home with minimal commitment from himself. Somehow, speaking to Annette and Graeme felt more like a conversation than any kind of therapy. Yes, a couple of the ideas they brought up were a bit confronting, but in his gut he knew that there was something in it he could trust.

His gut instinct also told him he could trust these two, especially as they could help him laugh about some of his biggest fears without him even having to mention them.

A Good Start

So Mark and Jenny booked a flight to Byron Bay and spent five days having both a holiday in relaxed and sunny Lennox Head, just 15 minutes south of Byron. They didn’t need a car, everything they wished for was in walking distance from their Lennox Beach Resortaccommodation, including an abundance of great cafes, succulent fresh fish, daily walks and swims, even a local yoga class.

In a relaxed manner Annette & Graeme met them for a coffee even before the sessions started, just to get further acquainted and comfortable with the process. Mark and Jenny were able to choose the time of their sessions to fit in with their desires, with available follow up at a moment’s notice for no extra cost. It still didn’t feel like therapy.

New Pathways

The next day they had their first session – a total of 3 hrs, that went by very fast. Annette & Graeme were able to present a framework of ideas that showed them they weren’t broken and they weren’t alone. What’s more, they saw that what they’d thought were problems were actually pathways to what they both wanted.

The pathway is TantraJenny had her beliefs about her sexuality validated. It wasn’t that she was needy or demanding, more that she was following her body’s intuition about the importance of sex for her as part of her vitality and life force, her very survival. In fact, she had felt like she was dying (or crazy) having to shut it down when sex was unavailable. She learned new ways to nurture her sexuality outside of sex that gave her a new lust for life itself.

Mark learned that whilst his libido might not be what it once was there was a whole new place in sex waiting for him that was as good as, if not better that what had gone before. And a big part of it was about him taking the time to look after himself, to relax and not see sex merely as another job he had to ‘perform’ at when he was exhausted. He found a new way to view sex as revitalizing.

Opening the Floodgates

This helped them begin to feel excited once more about their relationship. They also learned some powerful ways to communicate and feel heard about the things that were most important to them. They found so much to talk about, other than the kids and work, which had been the mainstay of their conversations for many years. Mark and Jenny started to really see each other as unique individuals, rather than a source of pain and suffering which helped them trust one another again. This opened the floodgates of desire.

With your sexuality...it is your vitality, your life force

Going deeper they not only recognized where some of their patterns of behaviour came from, they also learned how to get underneath the stories that kept them trapped and hurting to the love underneath. Building on the newfound love Mark and Jenny learned some simple but amazing lovemaking techniques that increased both their intimacy and pleasure. Jenny felt met by Mark in lovemaking as never before. Mark felt freer and more inspired in sex than he had for a long time. They practiced these in the privacy of their accommodation.

Not only this, but it seemed like both their relationship and themselves had healed at a very deep level that was beyond words. They felt seen, held and met by Annette & Graeme in a subtle and powerful way, connecting them to strengths they’d never dreamed they had. And surprisingly there were many healing laughs along the way.

An Excited Beginning

Mark and Jenny felt like they had found a new beginning and couldn’t wait to get started. To help integrate the new changes at IMG_6269 Buttonhome because it takes more than just a few days to change life long patterns, Annette and Graeme Fear of changeoffered a follow up Skype session at home, included in the cost.

Even though the couple worked very hard and faced some very challenging things it felt more like an adventure than therapy, with Annette and Graeme riding side saddle beside them.

If you’re looking for your own relationship adventure contact Graeme and Annette today about an Ultimate Couples Getaway on 1800 TANTRA

Trust between men and women

September 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Trust is something that goes hand in hand with love.

In love and the shared pleasure that is part of it we give our trust and believe we will receive it in return…

Over time in relationship, because we’re human, we experience moments of this trust not being lived up to that make it harder to keep offering and believing in it. Feeling and expressing the feelings found within this and freeing ourselves through forgiveness allows us to reopen and trust once more.

Yet trust between men and women has some unique challenges.

We have found there is one area of trust between male and female partners that shows up again and again. This is the challenge for women to trust men in sex and for men to trust women with their feelings. We see them as two sides of the same coin, a fear of being vulnerable in each, made worse by a lack of understanding, skill and empathy.Couple conscious relating

Women can easily relate to the feeling the feeling of ‘ickyness’ that arises in her when a man she doesn’t want comes on to her sexually. Less understood is that men have a similar response to a woman who demands that he opens up to her emotionally. It is in sex and emotion that men and women most miss each other. We look at why here…

 Let’s begin with women trusting men in sex

Women have a place of deep vulnerability in sex because they generally take longer to get to a point of full arousal than do men and it is easy for her to  go into a place of being wrong in it. It is a common point of frustration for men who generally step into arousal more quickly and easily.

Because a woman’s sexuality requires her to open both her body and herself up for her pleasure she needs to feel safe in order to do so. Women respond more readily to a sensual full body approach than a man requires for himself. Arousal in women happens mostly in her body, a man’s begins more so in his mind.

In his desire to do a good job man will treat his woman as he would himself, overriding, or not seeing this need for time in her. In not seeing her need for time, in not having the skill to help her, in resentment of ‘waiting’ or fear of not getting it right he will regularly cross this sexual boundary in his woman.  He invalidates her deepest need and touches her genitally before she is fully receptive, expecting and agitating her to open and willingly respond.

Tantric sex is making loveIn doing so he unknowingly avoids his own vulnerability, the vulnerability it takes to be an amazing lover, as this involves getting more present, more fully into his body, feeling more and opening his heart.

In this place women become very good at tolerating getting less than what they need. They get good at giving up asking for it and even better at performing as if they have it, aka the fake orgasm. This causes huge resentment and resistance in her, whether spoken or not. Over time, it’s enough for her to lose interest in sex altogether, or to live on performing in hope that one day he will get it.  She is left frustrated in wanting to find her place of wild abandon and/or deep loving in sex. This resentment leads not only to a lack of desire, but to a lack of love and trust in other areas of the relationship.

What can be done to remedy this loss of trust?

  1. Women can learn to trust and surrender into their own bodies, finding pleasure in themselves.
  2. Women can be clear about owning and asking for their needs of time to be met.
  3. Men can understand that taking time and an all over body approach is not a woman being ‘high maintenance’, it’s her being who she is. Respecting and meeting this part of her will ensure she is interested in, and available for lovemaking for many years to come.
  4. Men can learn to touch their lovers without agenda, from a place of relaxation and connection rather than wanting them to perform. Allowing rather than forcing things to happen.
  5. Men can learn to approach their lover from her outside moving to her centre, in her body, her breasts and her genitals.
  6. Men can learn to get more connected with their own sexual selves, taking the time to go deeper into their bodies, hearts and pleasure.

Secondly, we look at men trusting women with their hearts.

A man’s place of deep vulnerability is his heart and his feelings, because it is generally more difficult and takes longer for him to reveal his feelings than it does for a woman. This leaves woman frustrated at man’s lack of emotional openness and her need for intimacy going unmet.

Because of his conditioning away from his feelings, as well as the rapidity and depth of feeling he’s capable of when he really does go there, man requires a place of safety to open up emotionally. Because woman believes she has the emotional high ground in feeling matters, and finds the language of feeling easy she cannot understand his resistance to feeling and judges him negatively for it. This leads to her cross his emotional boundary by demanding that he emotionally ‘open up’ to her when she wants it, rather than when he is ready. Or it can lead her to miss him in his vulnerability as it is so unexpected. This makes man even more hesitant to reveal himself.Crying because relationship is over

Woman has been taught that vulnerability is about exposing or opening herself up to another person, or to something outside of herself. It is emotionally risky because We call this vulnerability without. It is emotionally risky because she is making herself vulnerable to betrayal if she is not seen and attack if she is invalidated or overridden. She is usually saying something like “I’m totally open here, I want you to see me, where are you?”

We see that here, even though woman believes she is totally vulnerable in reality she is merely exposed in her pain and suffering of vulnerability without, but her inner walls are still firmly in place. To protect herself in this dangerous place she unknowingly operates behind the wall of her emotional superiority.

From here she either:

  • Closes down as soon as possible
  • Becomes desperate for her man to validate or comfort her
  • She goes into a story to justify her fear and woundedness, whether it is true or not
  • She is hyper alert to any potential threat in what her partner says or does, seeing it as a threat, whether it is true or not
  • She goes on the offensive, attacking him to stay safe in herself.

In this place woman avoids her true vulnerability, the vulnerability it takes to be safely intimate at the depth she longs for (we explain this further down), whilst blaming her man for not going there himself. A man will see her woundedness, will feel her walls, and sensing the threat inside them feel unsafe to open up. He’ll withdraw safely into his cave, head out the door or shift into the offensive by attacking her back.

What can be done to remedy this loss of trust?

  1. Man can get grounded in himself and stay centred in the face of woman’s woundedness.
  2. Man can invite woman deeper into her feeling body, not getting caught up in her story.
  3. Woman can own her own lack of true vulnerability and stop making man wrong in his.
  4. Woman can hold onto herself in her emotionality, opening in to herself, into the feelings in her body rather than outwards to him. Feeling the feelings in her body rather the story in her head.
  5. Woman finding this inner vulnerability within herself will see it is a place of strength, going beyond her weakness to where she is fully open, no longer feeling the need to hide or protect herself and totally empowered.
  6. Woman will be less dependent on how her partner chooses to respond to her, allowing him space to show up with an authentic response.

There is a special place a woman will experience if a man does choose to go deep into his vulnerability. She may be triggered into the deep terror that happens for a woman when she perceives a man in his so called ‘weakness’ of vulnerability where he is, unable to be ‘the rock’ she unconsciously still needs him to be. It is another place woman benefits from connecting to her own inner strength to be able to stay grounded.

A word about vulnerability:

In both of the models above each of us is trying to avoid vulnerability and blaming the other for it.

We have been sold a big, fat lie about vulnerability. We’ve been told that it is a scary, dangerous place. However, it is not the actual vulnerability that is scary and dangerous but our lack of understanding in and inability to be with it.

When we make vulnerability ok, choosing to feel it, to feel it in our bodies rather than make up a story about it in our heads, when we allow it, and even welcome it in it becomes a very powerful place. When we understand to go within ourselves and feel, rather than to open out to another and look for something from them.

This is holding on to ourselves, opening in to ourselves, in both sex and in intimacy.

It’s where we surrender to our higher selves, our minds sinking into our heart.

Love and pleasure beyond description is one of the benefits of true vulnerability.

 

This is a very deep subject, very real but hard to put into words, with some challenging aspects. We encourage you to contact us for further clarification and discussion if you desire. Call 1800 TANTRA or email here

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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