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Making fear your friend…

August 13, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Making fear your friend rather than your enemy…

Fear- we all experience it.

How can we make it a positive experience? Even a pathway to love?

Fear can range anywhere from a mild yet persistent queasiness in our gut to a mind numbing sheer terror and everything in between. Science tells us that fear is part of our most primal survival system yet most of us judge fear as an icky, unpleasant feeling we need to control or get rid of as quickly as possible, whilst imagining a blissful time in the future when we could live totally free of it.

Yet have you noticed how we love, even crave excitement- an upcoming party or taking a risk on a job? Interestingly fear and excitement are basically the same experience in the body, it’s how we deal with them that makes them different. More on this later.

We actually need fear.

It forms a vital part of life as our inborn importance detector.

Because when we have fear about something, whether it is walking down a dark city street alone late at night, feeling disconnected in our relationship or looking at our latest bank statement where our expenses are exceeding our income, fear is telling us to be careful, the stakes are high here.

Fear is telling us something important is happening and we need to be awake and to pay attention.

It is a call to action to focus on and sort out what is important and in our daily lives this can be invaluable.

When we take control in fear and take action the fear is resolved.

When we let fear control us our mind generated stories run a muck and chaos often follows.

In our modern society fear is highly overdone.

Our ancestors had immediate and deadly things to be afraid of, like a wild bear or a neighbouring tribe on the warpath and the actions needed to be taken were obvious. Our problem in today’s information age is that technology offers us a constant stream of information about many things to be aware of with little we can actually DO about them, leaving us in a constant state of low level anxiety. Things like rising crime statistics, international terrorism and the potential collapse of our financial markets etc. Well, theoretically we can choose to address one or two of these through a personal crusade for change but it’s impossible for us to personally fix everything. However we still have to deal with the fear that comes at us, sometimes feeling like a constant barrage.

We also live more intellectually these days where fear is largely a mind driven emotion. Moments of fear that are real and life threatening are a more rare experience, although they do happen, for example experiencing serious illness or being a victim of crime.

How do we make fear our friend?

What do we do with the underlying stress and anxiety that comes from dealing with either this constant existential barrage of fear, or the more intimate fears we experience in our personal lives?

We take action on the inside of us.

Firstly, we can choose to see fear as a positive messenger.

Secondly, we can understand the nature of fear.

Fear is an emotion

It’s triggered in the pre-thought primal, survival part of our brain, stimulating the release of adrenaline and cortisol- our stress management hormones that create tension in the body, increase our heart rate and breathing, sending blood away from organs to essential muscles whilst maintaining essential body systems and focusing our attention making us ready to fight, flee or freeze as appropriate.

Extended periods of fear can result in stress that leads to suppressed immunity, high blood pressure, fatigue, irritability, reduced libido, poor memory, excessive hair and bone loss, diabetes and a host of other chronic diseases that have you functioning at a less than optimal level.

Experiences of fear commonly include anxiety and worry but can also extend to unease, apprehension, nervousness, timidity, unrest, fearfulness, distress, holding on, foreboding, doubt, catastrophizing, alarm, paralysis, dread, fright, panic, phobia, aversion, mania, terror, horror.

Energetically fear is seen as stuck energy in our body and its symptoms begin with butterflies or unease in the stomach and increased muscle tension with hyper alertness and heightened negative thoughts, building to nausea, cold, tingling, agitation, shaking, feeling frozen or unable to think or move, and at its most extreme we can experience a complete dissociation from the body.

You may notice you can experience fear just in reading about it! If this is you, please pause and take a few deep breaths to release it.

Mentally we experience fear as negative thoughts about a future event, real or imagined that we perceive to be out of our control. The bigger the fear the more frequent and negative the thoughts become.

Such as, my husband is late home from work so- my mind says he must have got the sack and is too scared to tell me, or maybe he is having a drink with his attractive new PA, maybe he is finding me too boring, I even think he wants out of this relationship etc. Or perhaps the boss hasn’t stopped by to chat on his way home for the last few days, maybe he is unhappy with the work that I’ve been doing and is looking to give someone else that position I’ve been knocking myself out for…

How we think makes a difference in fear

This negative thought spiral of course creates more fear in the body which drives a further catastrophizing of the thoughts creating even more fear, it becomes a vicious cycle that is hard to break…

As well as how we breathe

And most importantly in fear our breath becomes shallow and rapid, happening only in the upper part of our chest; in extreme fear we may stop breathing altogether.

So in fear, we are breathing shallowly and creating story by telling ourselves something bad is going to happen that is beyond our control.

Fear is related to control and power…

Interestingly the only difference between the experience of fear and excitement is that in excitement we continue to breathe normally or more strongly and tell ourselves something good is going to happen, where being out of control can be enjoyable! In this way feeling fear can be part of feeling truly alive if we accept it as such…

This is why some people really love horror movies, rollercoasters, extreme sports or edgy sex where they experience fear as excitement in (they believe) a positive environment.

We experience fear most powerfully in our solar plexus which is energetically the centre of power of our Ego self. This is why negative fears are based on experiences of feeling out of control and of doubting our capabilities to take action and positive ones the opposite.

And why having a positive plan of action will put us in the driver’s seat of fear.

Thirdly- learning what to do with fear.

(the order of the following steps will vary depending on the situation, but each of them will help):

Get grounded by feeling your feet on the floor, or your butt on the chair or put your hand up in front of your face and focus on its flesh and blood reality.
Check your body and notice what you are doing with your breathing and take 1, 2 or a few slow, deep breaths. Taking deep breaths will guide you in finding your sense of control. The most powerful deep breath is out through your mouth with an “ah”.
Accept the fear. It’s already there so trying to fight it is a losing battle. What works, as paradoxical as it sounds is making it ok, seeing it as a good thing.
Ask yourself what is real here? Am I at risk? Shine a light on the facts?
– Is there a wild animal or perpetrator about to catch me?
– Am I actually unsafe here?
– Do these numbers on my tax calculations add up to what I think they do?
– I don’t actually know yet why my husband is late coming home from work, I just know he is late
– All I know is the boss hasn’t stopped by, at this point I don’t know the reason
Stay in the present moment, the here and now, with what you know is real and what you can deal with. None of us truly know what is going to happen in the future because it hasn’t happened yet and 98% of what we worry about doesn’t happen. So save yourself the stress by checking in with yourself and asking how real is this fear story? If you don’t know it’s real, let it go. If it is, act on it.
Ask yourself is what can you do to make a difference to your situation, some practical step that will allow your fear to shift (remember fear is about stuckness so moving will help it dissolve and will also help you feel more empowered).
– It doesn’t have to be the best thing, or even the right thing, just something to get you moving. Like doing those taxes or talking to your boss.
– If you have no idea what to do then do nothing, but do it actively ie. deep breathe, stretch, a good shake (like an animal does after it has had a shock to restore its equilibrium), have a cup of tea, go for a walk, sit up against a tree or talk to someone (not about the fear unless you can do it without dramatizing your situation), as human contact can help us feel real again.
– You will be amazed at how often choosing this step will allow a previously unthought of solution to appear, or previously unavailable energy arise.
Have compassion for yourself and know that fear is a universal human experience that everyone faces many times in their lives, it is not happening to you because you alone are inadequate.
You cannot rid yourself of fear as nature abhors a vacuum. You must first bring something else in its place- either a deep breath, a positive thought or action, or even love itself, for as the bible says in John 4:1,8 “perfect love casts out fear”, no matter what your particular version of love is.

This is particularly true in the case of existential anxiety, the anxiety we can do little about at a practical level. In this case simply placing a hand on your heart, breathing into and connecting with the love that literally lives within you through thinking of something that you feel truly grateful for will create a shift (even if your heart connection takes a minute or two to show up, it will).

Understand that fear is an emotion created through an experience with your external world (even if that experience is just a thought about what could happen) and as deep and intense as they can feel at times, emotions are on the surface of who we are. The more you accept and breathe into it, experiencing it fully (ie. bringing love in) the more it will dissolve leaving you with the ease, clarity, openness, spaciousness or love that lies at our core behind. This is how fear can be a pathway to love.

Nb. If the fear is very intense it may become even more so as you first breathe into it but trusting your breath and the process and staying with it will allow it to leave your body. And remember the more intensity the more good things will arise after it.

Nb. If you have nervousness in the early stages of lovemaking using your breath to master it will enhance your experience of pleasure within the act itself.

To minimize ongoing mind generated anxiety ask yourself on a regular basis, am I choosing life from a place of love, or a place of (exaggerated) fear? Get familiar with choosing life from your heart, from love. Practicing the above steps is choosing from love.

The choice is up to you.

Courage is not the absence of fear but action in the face of it.

Will you choose to make fear your enemy or your friend?

This is the power in your hands.

Sex For Men Over 40

December 9, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Better Sex for Men (and Women)

Awareness of our capacity for sexual pleasure for both men and women in this age of information, technology and numerous other gadgets and toys, is declining.

Our capacity for pleasure hasn’t changed, yet our awareness of our unique ability to achieve pleasure has significantly declined. I believe this is because of our increasing use and thirst for knowledge has taken us away from our feeling body into our intellectual mind.

Sexual pleasure for men (and women) over 40 can be a totally different experience when both consciously choose to own their real sexual pleasure, especially from an intimate and emotionally heart connected place. There are a lot of different factors in conditioning men (and women) away from real full bodied pleasure .

It doesn’t matter how many sexual partners a person has had, or how much sex is experienced as this unfortunately is how we experience or measure pleasure from our own external experience. The pornography industry has created farcical illusions of what sex looks like, and part of the reason porn has such impact is because real, meaningful heart connected sexuality is diminishing.

From my own personal experience, and in working with couples and particularly men, I am also aware that very few men realise what their sexual capability really is, or in extreme cases, if their capacity for pleasure even exists. Through my work, I firmly believe that most men achieve less than 10% of their capacity to experience their own pleasure during sex.

Understanding is key

Something as simple as separating ejaculation from orgasm for men is real, yet most men don’t realize this is possible for them. Just because both usually happen at the same time (ejaculation being the release and orgasm the pleasurable peak ) men just aren’t aware that they’re separate functions. Most men believe that their pleasure experience of ejaculation is their actual orgasmic pleasure, yet there remains so much more pleasure to be experienced.

Surfing the edge

If a man’s focus on ejaculation is his goal then most likely he experiences only a small percentage of his orgasmic potential. Ejaculation pleasure still does feel pretty damn good but it is a separate experience from orgasm and when a man stops when he “cums” then that is his finish. The actual reality at that point of finishing is also the beginning of his awesome potential in feeling his separate orgasmic pleasure, which he mostly misses out on. Delaying ejaculation, or simply “surfing the edge” is a simple yet powerful beginning of achieving so much more pleasure.

Surfing the edge is a practise of playing near the edge with out ejaculation. In this place, orgasmic energy begins to emerge, and with practise will dramatically increase not only the length of love making but also the pleasure experienced.

This is an attention grabbing concept even for those who are aware of this potential experience of separation. And even for those who are aware, it can often be a struggle to achieve pleasure from separation as it may feel like giving up something familiar. Yet the potential beyond this point is limitless pleasure and a life changing experience that is well worth the effort of exploration.

Multi orgasmic Man

As a man, take a moment and imagine your point of no return, your point of ejaculation as a 10 on your scale of orgasmic pleasure. Then, with 1 being the start and 10 being the finish, imagine how it would be if you could keep going after 10 (without cuming) and feeling your orgasmic self for as long as you chose. Maybe even hundreds of times, without needing to actually ejaculate or desiring to finish? Are you, as a man even aware that this is what you are capable of, of being truly multi orgasmic ? This is what is available for a man when he can choose to not ejaculate and cultivate his orgasmic energy beyond his “10”.

As a man, your real sexual orgasmic pleasure begins at your current “10”.

Converting your ejaculation intensity into orgasmic energy will keep your real orgasmic pleasure happening. This will create for you, a whole new world of pleasure each time you achieve your “10” and each time in this place it deepens, past 10 to 11, 12 or more. Your experience of pleasure increases, becomes easier to achieve and stays with you longer. Each time you go into sexual space, your “10” has moved, your pleasure is deeper yet closer to the surface and becomes more accessible as your normal feeling experience. This experience gets better with age and this pleasure is already happening within you. Simply by allowing yourself to experience your sexual potential with out limiting your pleasure sounds easy, BUT there is a condition attached. And it is not negotiable and we’ll get to that, but before we do, a bit more about men’s conditioning away from pleasure.

Male conditioning

Men are conditioned away from experiencing deeper pleasure right from the beginning of their sexual journey. From when they first become sexually active, boys are conditioned into ejaculation. In the early days of self pleasuring (masturbation) the pressure is on to get it up and over and done with before they get found out- stage (1). The next stage (2) is to get it up and over and done with before their girlfriend changes her mind, then (3) before the kids wake up and finally, (4) before they lose their erection.

Sadly, at no stage, or very rarely, are boys exposed to the real meaning of the sacredness of their sexuality and heart connection and what this means to be a healthy sexual male.

Generally, as a result of this conditioning and lack of awareness of what is possible, men struggle in accepting that there is so much more to their sexual experience.

Men become “addicted” to ejaculation as their pinnacle experience.

Some men only experience ejaculation and very limited orgasmic pleasure, even though there is so much more pleasure to experience and it is already available inside them.

This disconnection conditioning also encourages a man to focus on pleasing his partner in order to be a “good lover”. This is another potential that may take him further away from this place inside of himself and into a place of “performance”. The pornography industry is more manipulation that specifically targets these areas of masculine desire of performing and visually “coming” which even further separates a man from his heart. When watching porn the screen is where a man’s awareness is focused. When watching porn, the focus is on the screen and in this place pleasure is significantly limited . As a man grows older and his habits become deeper and more entrenched as testosterone fades, his normal type of sex has less feeling and becomes more difficult. This is also a part of male menopause, which is another issue for men (and women).

BUT, for a man to experience what is beyond his so called “normal” is simply realizing there is so much more, and that he can choose to experience and discover this for himself. If you’re a guy, ask yourself what it would be like if you could have your orgasm but not the “down” of ejaculation? Ask yourself what it would be like to get to your point of “no return” and instead of ejaculating choose to have your deeply pleasurable orgasm as many times as you desired?

Man’s ultimate challenge

For a man to move away from performance and go into his deeper full bodied pleasure within himself, is about him opening to and connecting with his own loving heart.

For a man to achieve these wonderful things in himself, requires his sexual energy and intensity be totally heart connected and driven. This place of heart connected sexuality in a man creates life force sexual energy that is pure heart, and is an unlimited source.

A man feeling and connecting with his deeply penetrating loving heart is also creating his fuel for sexual intensity and pleasure in lovemaking with his partner. And, if you’re a woman reading this, how does that sound and feel for you? (pretty f…g amazing would be my guess…)

For you as a man in achieving your sexual heart connection, a deeply loving and connected relationship container is ideal. This will enable you to create your fuel for your open heart, which creates more feeling of depth of pleasure. Masculine ejaculation energy is pure heart energy and this is what a woman desires most of all from her man, and this is what men are capable of bringing into relationship. Surfing the edge for longer will keep your ejaculation energy and dramatically increase your heart energy that you bring into your sexual connection. This is about a man being able to experience his heart opening in a way that will enable him in experiencing more loving sexual power centred within himself .

Sexual shame

Most men carry a deep pool of sexual shame, from male conditioning around their identity and their sexuality that interferes with their capability in connecting with and experiencing more pleasure. This shame is also a large part of the reason why most men find it challenging to accept unlimited pleasure can exist beyond separation of ejaculation and orgasm.

Men are conditioned from the beginning of their sexuality, to get it over and done with by ejaculating, resulting in conditioning men into being trigger sensitive, numb or lose interest in sex. This shame will also significantly impact on a man’s emotional availability, as most men will withdraw from relationship as a result of feeling this shame . Ejaculation mostly prevents a man from achieving the best bits in his pleasure, and will also enable him to retreat into his shame pool. There is also some primal conditioning in this as well, about survival and getting your seed planted before something eats you. The point being, men have a lot of conditioning to undo, and it is why most men are addicted to ejaculation and at the same time, unknowingly diminishing their capacity for pleasure. Men have a choice and can choose pleasure, but most simply lack awareness about their true capabilities and sadly remain disconnected from their own pleasure selves. It is a matter of choice, but most importantly, simply being aware that they do have a choice, and that there is more, much more.

As a man, you have a choice and how would it be for you in choosing to finish, because you felt totally complete without ejaculation? Imagine what it would be like for you, if each time you went into this place, that your orgasmic energy became deeper and more full bodied, and that it remained with you for days afterwards, and you remained in that place of heart connection with your partner ?

Imagine if this was your natural orgasmic state of aliveness, presence and potently heart connected? How would you feel? How would your partner feel as you shared this deep heart connection with them? How would this impact on those around you, if this place in you became your normal? This is the state that all men are born with, yet are conditioned out of for a variety of reasons, but mainly through cultural shaming of their sexuality and deep wounds carried from growing up as a boy.

Learning to separate and become full bodied multi orgasmic is not easy, but it is real and does involve having a good time that is all about more pleasure and true sexual fulfillment. And if you’re learning this with your partner, then it is a relationship game changer.

Numbness and Prostrate

Men who experience numbness or have issues achieving or maintaining an erection will also benefit from these techniques, but just require different practises. Men who have had prostate surgery will especially benefit from these tantric techniques. In those cases, it is important to realise that a man can still feel orgasmic with out an erection.

How to get started

A simple process to try during lovemaking, or self pleasuring, is when you start to get close to your point of no return, is to simply stop and take 3 – 4 deep breaths. As you’re breathing deeply, focus on what you’re feeling inside of you, in your genitals. You will notice that your intensity of pleasure has relaxed and moved away from your genitals. This will spread pleasure through your body. Then simply start again and keep repeating, the more you surf the edge, the more full bodied your pleasure. The first step is being aware of what you’re feeling inside of you. This will make a difference simply because you’re feeling in yourself and you’re choosing to feel more pleasure. As you increase your awareness of how your sexual energy moves so will your awareness in the difference between ejaculation and orgasm. Focusing on the difference and choosing to bring the ejaculation intensity forward then stopping and breathing will expand that intensity further into orgasmic pleasure. And, practice practice practice… This is the main difference between the expansion techniques of Tantra and the control techniques of Taoist .

A holistic journey

Also, a preparedness for emotional work, to really connect with and release shame, heal deep seated wounds, be intensely vulnerable and really opening your heart are beginning places. Connecting heart and sexuality is a beginning step, and this one particularly challenges most men to their core, yet is what a woman desires most to feel from her man. From this beginning place, becoming multi orgasmic is a complimentary and continuing journey. Let her know what you are doing and invite her to breathe too!

From my personal experience, (and yes, this place exists) and in my opinion, once a man starts down this pathway not only is there no turning back, but it becomes a limitless, timeless and never ending journey. This place in man, when actively introduced into himself and his relationship will create a depth of heart opening sexual loving that will keep growing and deepening. And it definitely gets better with age as it is an internal journey rather than purely physical technical journey.

A man can journey as far and as deep as he has the courage to go into himself connecting his heart and sexuality, his power and this grows stronger and deeper with age………This is the place in a man that woman craves for, to feel safe, protected, nurtured and met.
Better Sex for Men, definitely, a game changer

Both will never be the same again.

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

Desire mismatch & the Pursuer/Avoider Cycle

February 3, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What if My Partner Wants More Sex than Me?

There’s a very common cycle that develops when there are differing levels of desire for sex in a relationship, and many painful ways the cycle plays out.

It’s called The Pursuer/Avoider cycle.

Do any of these this sound familiar?

For Pursuers:

Doing everything right simply with the hope of getting a ‘yes’ to sex.
Feeling your partner cringe instead of respond to your advances.
Giving your lover a massage with the hope of stimulating a sexual response.
Saying “yes” to sex in the hope of receiving some intimacy.
Continuing to have sex even though it hurts to see your partner is uninterested.
Withholding emotional intimacy as payback for a lack of sex.
Fearfully suggesting sex, then slinking into a corner to lick your wounds of rejection.
Feeling somehow invalidated to your core.
After being rejected too many times, giving up mentioning sex at all.

For Avoiders:

Feeling like your partner selfishly wants to use you for their needs.
Avoiding offering affection in case it’s mistaken as a sexual advance.
Going to bed early before your partner arrives home or staying up later than them.
Finding important work that you suddenly have to finish if your partner wants sex.
Keeping extra busy with your kids in the hopes of avoiding being asked.
Offering ‘sympathy’ sex to temporarily relieve the tension between you.
Finding yourself starting an argument before bed to reduce the chances of intimacy.
Feeling unseen and unlovable.
Finding that you want sex less and less.

If this is you, you’re not alone. These and many similar scenarios are being acted out in homes across the world.

Relationships are energy cycles, and wherever there’s an action, there will be a corresponding reaction. It’s common for partners to have differing sexual needs (or at least appear to on the surface). How these needs are negotiated is one of the key markers for relationship success.

For the Pursuer

The cycle begins when the partner with the higher level of sexual desire finds their sexual needs unmet, so they start pursuing the less interested partner. The more the pursuer chases, the more the other partner starts to avoid them, becoming more and more emotionally and sexually unavailable.

This results in the pursuer becoming more needy, unhappy and focussed on getting what they want. They manipulate every situation into a potential ploy for sex, and act out their anger and frustration in covert ways that make to them unattractive their partner.

So however much sex they get, it’s never enough. This frustration makes them grumpy, irritable, emotionally closed and critical of their avoidant partner, whom they make wrong for not wanting sex. Being repeatedly rejected sexually by the person who’s supposed to love and desire them results in a lowered sense of self-esteem and self-worth.

For the Avoider

The avoidant partner will either do anything to avoid having sex, or finds that saying ‘no’ to sex makes them feel guilty. They circumvent their need to reject sex by avoiding any type of physical touch or affection, often keeping themselves too busy to be approached, commonly focussing on the either children or work as a distraction.

This creates physical distance between themselves and their more highly sexed partner. They also make the other person wrong for their desires, shaming them as being too sexual. They see the pursuer as focussed only on sex, and find it easy to blame them for the lack of intimacy that they may long for deep down, but avoid in case it leads to potential sex. Or they try to create it separate from sex.

When the repercussions for avoiding sex get too high, they offer palliative sex to soothe their partner’s pain and get them off their back – but they offer it with resentment and a lack of joy.

If you see this dynamic is happening in your relationship, try these suggestions:

Agree to communicate about your situation, whilst acknowledging the challenge and vulnerability in doing so. For this cycle to end, BOTH of you need to drop the victim stance and be willing to change. Remember that the goal here isn’t to get more/less sex but to get onto the same team.
Each person needs to STOP making both the other and themselves wrong for wanting or not wanting sex. This allows you each to listen non-judgementally to how it is for the other one and develop some compassion. Remember that you’re both looking for the same thing: to love and feel loved in return.
Know that you’re NOT responsible for each other’s desires. You’re only responsible for finding a workable solution.
Recognise that this is a behaviour cycle. And it’s one that’s likely to make any underlying mismatch in desire more pronounced than it actually is.
Recognize that an extreme desire for sex or to avoid it likely comes from disconnection with your selves. Using your ABC practice to get back into connection with your selves is your most important port of call in this situation.
Acknowledge that sex is an important human desire. Realise that it’s a unique part of an intimate relationship, a potential source of connection, pleasure and contentment, and a special activity you share with no one else that has many health benefits.
Give up palliative sex. It’s soul-destroying for both of you over time.
Understand that you’re not entitled to sex in your relationship. And, in the same way, you’re not entitled to intimacy when and how you want it either. In the West particularly, we can take our entitlement for granted. Sex and intimacy both come from a place of mutual understanding, connection and desire that you’re each responsible for, rather than being about entitlement and obligation.
Mark on a mutual calendar when sex happens. This will help you both to be clear on what you’re dealing with.
It’s OK for anyone to say NO to sex without having to feel guilty. What’s NOT reasonable is to do so repeatedly without discussion or consideration of the other person, given that you both entered the relationship with sex being an accepted part of it.
We find honest, vulnerable communication helps enormously here. As does approaching sex from the many understandings and practices in this book helping people to get into both their bodies and their hearts. For when this happens desire is a natural outcome and lovemaking becomes incredibly satisfying so frequency is less important.

As the Pursuer, you can:

Validate your desire for sex as a beautiful and loving part of yourself, and not as something dirty or selfish. Be real about sharing with your partner how much not having sex hurts. The more you get real, the more your partner can hear you and be motivated to do something about it.
Don’t get sucked in by sympathy sex and let it placate you for a while. It isn’t addressing the issue, and it lets your partner think they’re fixing the problem when they aren’t.
Recognise that your high drive for sex may come from not being fully satisfied by the sex you’re having. Seek greater connection with yourself, rather than just seeking it through your partner. Learn self-pleasuring techniques that circulate your sexual energy and deepen your connection to yourself, rather than building up frustration that seeks release in masturbation. This will make getting a ‘no’ slightly less painful. Reducing your frustration, neediness and manipulations to create sex will paradoxically make you more attractive.
Be clear and upfront when you do ask for sex. Make the asking about YOU wanting to share something rather than them needing to give it to you. Hard as it may be, let go of any attachment to getting you want, as this gets rid of any unconscious manipulation. This creates space for your partner to potentially feel their own desire and move towards you.
Rebuild a safe physical intimacy between you. Offer unconditional nurturing touch outside of sex, such as a slow hug or foot massage. Also try sensual touch, such as brushing your fingers across your partner’s shoulders or resting your hand on their waist for a moment. However, if no change occurs over time, give yourself permission to drop it.
Assess the kind of sex you’re offering. If you’re only focussed on performance and a release of tension with limited connection and pleasure for your partner, you can hardly expect them to keep coming back for it, or you. Are you willing to explore heart-connected, intimate, nurturing yet potent lovemaking? This is not about having to be the world’s greatest lover – it’s just about approaching sex from a bigger perspective and being open to learning. This is what seeking a more Tantric approach to sex can offer you. Graeme and I find that couples make the biggest shift in their libido discrepancies here.
Look for the simple solutions too. Could you benefit from getting fitter, helping around the house, having fresh breath and generally making more of an effort to be attractive if you haven’t been?
Make a genuine effort to compliment your partner about things that are unrelated to sex. However, also compliment them when they show any sex-positive behaviours, especially if they lack sexual confidence.
Drop any behaviours that are a covert manipulation to get sex. Your partner can feel this, and it only pushes them further away.
If you do get rejected, don’t just sit on the couch and suffer. Move through the feeling with your ABC, then get up and do something good for yourself.
Ask your partner about having sex with a definite timeline, eg. in a couple of hours or the next night, rather than wanting it immediately. Ask them if there’s anything you can do to help them get into the space for lovemaking. This can allow them to feel less pressured.
Ask yourself whether your need is actually for intimacy. If so, can you create this another way? Try a hug, sharing an embodied conversation, a drink or movie together, or lying together just holding each other.
As painful as it may sound, consider taking a break from sex. Being denied sex immediately makes you want it more than you otherwise might. Focus your energy away from your partner into something else like getting fit, a new hobby, or time out to just chill. This nurtures you and can give your partner a chance to miss and desire you again.
If you’re looking for a more direct approach, find a good sexual counsellor. They can help you to discover what might be going on beneath the surface of your relationship.
Be prepared to ask some hard questions here. You have every right to understand what’s happening for your partner, and not being willing to at least talk about the situation is not OK. Try a Speaking The Unspoken If you get a complete and permanent no-go zone here, ask yourself what other options you have to deal with your situation, rather than shutting down.

If you’re the Avoider, you can:

Acknowledge that underneath your partner’s desire for sex IS a desire to connect with you in a place of love and pleasure. It’s not about wanting to ‘take’ anything from you.
Be real about not wanting sex. Don’t just make excuses, as this blurs the picture.
Make an effort to re-establish emotional closeness if this has deteriorated. Spend time with your partner sharing mutual interests, even if it’s just a cup of coffee – but remember this is not a replacement for sex.
Explore whether your lack of desire for sex is truly a lack of desire. It might just be slow arousal, where it just takes you longer to get into sex. Explore taking your time and using a variety of approaches to see if this makes a difference to your overall desire.
Look at ways that sex might be of value to you. It could be a way of nurturing and connecting with yourself, rather than something you have to ‘give’, which could help you to develop a pro-sex attitude.
See what might be limiting your desire that you can change. Is your lack of desire due to something about your partner that they may be willing to change? Is there something in you that you could address in you, eg. your stress and energy levels, protection around your heart, or feelings of inadequacy or resentment? All of these will impact your libido.
Take a look back through the chapters on sex (Chapters 7 and this current one). Especially check through Identifying Your Unique Blocks to Pleasure.
As you learn to rediscover this part of you, be willing to negotiate levels of sexual participation. For example, you could be with your partner whilst they self-pleasure, or being willing to go into sex without needing the desire to be there upfront, as often desire for sex can come after arousal. This is NOT about forcing yourself to have sex you don’t want, but instead creating an openness to the possibilities within it.
Meet your partner in the emotional vulnerability of connecting sex to the heart, rediscovering making love, rather than just having sex. The more you show up, the more they will be invited to and vice versa. Start with talking about it.
If none of these things are possible, least negotiate a way for the Pursuer to get their needs met outside the relationship without shame or judgement. Being denied sex (especially without really knowing why) is a very lonely and painful place to be that can damage their self-worth, and at the very least leave them irritable and dead inside.

If you have difficulties in exploring this territory, you’re not alone. Looking at the ideas above is a great start. The many understandings and practices in this book will also help to bring your sexual desires into greater balance.

Graeme and I have seen many high-desire partner find that their sexual desire changes from quantity to quality, and low-desire partners find their fires kindled in ways they might never have imagined. They may even on occasion find themselves in the high-desire position! Getting onto the same team here will support you in finding a way out of the maze and into a new place of self awareness, understanding, pleasure and connection.

If you have difficulties in exploring the above territory, you’re not alone. Don’t be afraid – or ashamed – to seek outside professional help to guide and support you in f and into a new place of self-awareness, loving understanding, connection and pleasure.

For assistance email here or call 1800 TANTRA

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