Ashley Madison… The Truth..

A Fantasy Game That is Safer Than Porn…

The recent and deliberate hacking into Ashley Madison accounts and the exposure of millions of people is bad enough, but to do that and then deliberately shame both men and women I believe, is beyond the pale.

And, what is wrong if men and women, and particularly men who comprised nearly 95% of account holders, choose to indulge in a little fantasy game, which by the way is very different to cheating.

As long as they are being respectful of themselves, their relationship and those they interact with, then I believe this is a safer and less harmful avenue for sexual exploration than porn or having a fling, simply because it is about interacting with real people.

And according to Ashley Madison the business, very few actually hook up.

I am writing this as a man, who has played this exploration game and also as a statistic because, I am one of those who wasn’t very “successful” in their terms.

I shared my desire with my partner, with what was on my mind, and we had the inevitable “aren’t I good enough for you etc etc” conversation.

Before this conversation, I was feeling guilty and confused over what I was feeling.

I found this conversation challenging, because it would have been so easy for me to simply allow my shame to control me and shut me down emotionally, with the inevitable consequences. It was challenging to own this part of me that was curious, especially as I was absolutely clueless with what to do with it. All I wanted was to be able to meet women, feel my sexuality and talk.

Sex was the fantasy, I realised later.

So I wrote my profile and showed it to my partner. She laughed and said “you’re not serious”, so I invited her to re write it and when I read it, I said “you’re joking….”

I found this process incredibly liberating.  Anyway, after much discussion and editing my profile finally hit the internet.

I waited, and waited, checked and rechecked.

After a few days and some nibbles, I soon realized that the main interest was from gay men.

This was definitely not in my game plan although my partner was greatly amused.

I was actually relieved, as I am not sure how I would have been if a female had actually wanted to meet me. This taught me about that part of me that desires sex, but not with just any one. My curiosity coupled with my desire for sex was intense and I am hugely grateful for my opportunity to have this experience.

I enjoyed the excitement of playing the game.

It was a dance, as women wanted relationship and men wanted sex, and my profile, while being honest in desiring connection and communication, didn’t fare too well.

I found it intriguing talking with several women with whom I did manage to exchange message’s, although I began to imagine and empathize with how the dog would feel if he actually caught the car… I definitely wasn’t after relationship and outside sex was more of a fantasy than a reality for me, I soon realised I just wanted to play the game.

Playing the Game

Playing this game worked for me personally, and for my relationship, as I was able to safely validate my curiosity in a positive way and also feel validation of this part of me from my partner.

Plus, it was much more fun than the one sidedness of porn.

How many men out there in the “Ashley Madison Scandal” were seeking something more real than porn, but didn’t know how to go about it. How many partners would feel really challenged if their man spoke out and said this also appealed to him ?

The real tragedy with this whole Ashley Madison hacking saga is what’s missing and what’s not being said.

The lack of debate has created a vacuum that is allowing the so called marriage police to wield their out dated and mostly bigoted opinions, and imagine the shock and horror if some of these bigots also got caught up in this hack and were exposed….

With so much opportunity available to potentially hook up with others outside your relationship, it is vital that you and your partner talk about this. Having these desires is not wrong, instead it’s an ideal opportunity to check in with yourself, your partner and your relationship and have a f…g conversation about where you’re at and get real with each other.

It is empowering to consciously choose to step out of fear and shame and use this conversation to deepen your relationship. and you never know, your partner might have these same desires too. Or if she can feel you in it she may be more open to sharing your journey in it.

I agree, it is scary that all these profiles have been leaked, but it should never be allowed to threaten relationships. The real threat to any relationship is the avoidance of this type of conversation, because these feelings of curiosity exist to some extent in all of us and must be talked about.

It is Important to Talk About Curiosity

Not talking about curiosity, sexual attraction and other challenging topics in a relationship doesn’t mean these feelings are absent, it just means they more likely playing out covertly, which is the real danger.  Covertness is intensely corrosive in any relationship, and if left alone usually results in resentment, infidelity or breach of trust of some description.

I also believe this is a big part of why porn is so attractive, because it fills this void and is easy to be covert about.

Playing this online game was hugely challenging for me, a real game changer in how I am in my relationship with my partner, because if I chose to close down the fire that comes from curiosity in others, I also close it down with my partner. This aspect is a challenging mind game for most men to deal with in a healthy way,  that they can own fully and doesn’t require them to sacrifice a beautiful part of being masculine.

Affairs for men happen because of this mind game, that their natural masculine curiosity is wrong and if they’re in relationship, they must shut it down. So much of current religious doctrine, feminine and cultural opinion paints this as being evil, wrong and a sin.  Sound familiar ?

If you have kids and one or both of you work long hours with life generally intruding on your chosen relationship, then it is time to change and do something different, and simply having this conversation is a great start. If you don’t talk about it, most likely your partner will, and somewhere else and probably in a way that may not support your vision or direction that you have intended for your relationship.

Generally speaking, in relationship men are usually focused on being the provider/bread winner, which is a powerful masculine force and only really second in line to sexual life force. If a man is suppressing this sexual part of himself, his partner will feel it and usually feel isolated or abandoned by him. In response to suppressing his sexuality, men usually focus on whats next, which is provider/breadwinner.

This is also one of the main reasons why women leave a relationship, they can’t feel their man, because he has closed this essential part of himself down. When this happens, most men are confused, because they have provided, stayed faithful and feel devastated. Women also feel confused, because he did that part well, she couldn’t feel him, as his sexual life force/heart connection was subdued.

When in relationship, men feel and believe their feelings of attraction to others is wrong and close it down. Any man who cultivates this aspect of themselves will receive very little support or validation, as most women feel threatened by their man’s interest in others, or porn or any other form of gratification (because of their own conditioning about this part of themselves). This is what the Ashley Madison hackers deliberately targeted, by exposing and shaming this part of men.

Men can still fulfil their breadwinner role, but they can also turbo charge their sexual life force energy as well. It is a modern fact of life that there are more opportunities to meet other people that we may feel sexually attracted too. It is a beautifully healthy part of being human to simply feel and enjoy this attraction and aliveness and then bring it home to share with your partner.

Talking about this is totally different to actually doing anything or acting it out. Most people who talk about this rarely venture any further, and if they do, it is a mutual decision and choice. Having this conversation is real, alive and very powerful, and much better than porn, affairs or simply closing down emotionally and sexually then sulking about it.

I suppose my profile has been leaked, although it was a long time ago, but then, I really don’t care.

If this issue is real for you and you desire support, we are easily contacted, either phone (Aust), email or skype. You will be amazed at how easily and naturally this part of your relationship can be brought to life.

A simple skype/phone or face to face session will open up this pathway for you in your relationship, with a professional couple, who are not only qualified counsellors, but have also experienced this as well.

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

P.S…
The good news, and as a former Victorian,  that in the global stakes, Sydney was right up there in terms of numbers of Ashley Madison accounts, with Melbourne poised not far behind, ready to dethrone Sydney (again). For those non Aussies, Sydney has been “king” for ever, and Melbourne is consistently and successfully challenging Sydney’s supremacy on sooo many fronts…

(no correspondence will be entered into..)