Going one layer deeper…

Is it a desire, or a fear?

Last newsletter we talked about this idea of one partner for life. It seemed to resonate with a lot of you.

So this time we’re looking at going one level deeper in relationship- how the relationship you have with yourself affects the one you have with your partner. See how to gain clarity in just x 5 mins per day!

In a world of endless options and swipe-right dating, the idea of staying with one partner for life can feel… well, suffocating, if not downright terrifying. 

Once upon a time, it was the norm—relationships were for life, and people rarely questioned it. But today, things are different. The illusion of infinite choice has changed how we see love, commitment, and even ourselves.

And in this time of instability and change across much of the whole world, can we believe in stability and longevity?

Many people now ask: Can one person really meet all my relational needs—mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually—for decades?

We enter modern relationships with massive expectations. We want our partner to be everything: lover, best friend, co-parent, adventure buddy, life coach, therapist and soulmate—all while we hold on tightly to our individual identities. We expect relationships to provide both security and excitement, belonging and autonomy, mystery and predictability. It’s a paradox, and a tall order for anyone.

The truth is, the magic we seek in love still exists—but it isn’t just about finding the “perfect” person. Or even the perfect persons, if you’re into more than one. That magic lives in the deep work of intimacy, in showing up authentically and vulnerably. Especially over time.

Real intimacy challenges us. It pushes our buttons, yet it’s where the magic lives. It allows us to blossom like a flower in the warm sun. It brings up our past wounds so they can be healed. Real relationship is like a mirror—it reflects to us the beauty, and also the shadow parts of ourselves.

At Oztantra, we believe your No. 1 relationship is the one you have with yourself. And what you bring into your relationship with another shapes the connection you create with you. 

So the question becomes, not why isn’t my partner meeting my needs and desires in the exact way that I want them to? It’s whether you’re bringing your best self into your relationship, or just your expectations and frustrations?

Are you bringing complaints and high expectations of your partner and holding them to standards you are not willing to hold yourself to? 

Are you protecting your own fears and vulnerabilities as you stay inside your own little emotional box and making your partner wrong?

Where are you willing to stand up and be seen in your relationship, rather than hiding?

Where are you giving your relationship active priority? 

Where are you creating your relationship, rather than expecting it to be done for you?

Your partner can’t be in relationship with you when you are on your phone, slumped in front of the tv, at your computer, out with friends all the time or still at work. 

You can create intimate relationship by meeting your own needs:

• by exercising after work and allowing the feel good chemicals from exercise flow into a happy desire to see your partner at the end of the day
• by meditating on the love in your heart for yourself and coming to your partner from a place of fullness, not resentment.
• Sleeping separately for a couple of nights to reconnect with yourself and see your relationship self more clearly.
• Inviting your partner to share something enjoyable with you, and helping them remove obstacles to doing so.

Instead of being in judgment of your partner can you see them as a person just like you? Someone who dearly wants connection, just like you? Who is probably trying just as hard (or not trying) as you, and as uncertain as you? 

How about seeing them as just like you, rather than as your enemy? 

Can you give them a warm hug, rather than a cold shoulder?

You can also do this by seeing your own shadow, rather than focussing on theirs.

X 5 mins a day to change your relationship

Even just giving yourself x 5 minutes of your full presence a day whilst with your partner can create a powerful shift in your relationship. Whether you believe your partner wants to be with you or not.

Being in the here and now moment with your partner can help you see yourself more clearly. Shining a light on your truth, rather than on a (self affirming ego) story in your head.

Not by trying to fix your relationship. Just by:

• Actively being with your partner, (putting your phone down). 
• Being aware of yourself and how you’re showing up, or not, with them.
• Actively seeing your partner as human, just like you, rather than your enemy, and noticing how YOU are being.
• Are you open or closed? Judgemental or accepting? Offering or avoidant? What walls do you have up right now and how can you lower tham a little?
• What could you choose to bring right now in this moment, that is relationship affirming?

No matter how your partner responds, this is about YOU. Being in your heart, being connected to yourself and being truly open to what might happen. It can be magical.

It’s not always about finding someone new when things get tough (though on occasion it needs to be, when all options are exhausted). Because if you haven’t cleared the mirror to seeing yourself in this relationship, from your fog you’ll just recreate your lessons in the next. Your new partner will somehow seem to turn into to same one you just left, causing you the same frustrations.

It’s about learning how to see—and be seen—by yourself, and by the person already in front of you. Sometimes, even just five minutes a day of full presence can create a powerful shift. For people are magnetised to our presence, our aliveness and our self ownership. Really. That’s the kind of magic that lasts.

Start here. Start with you.