The hidden little number that can take your sexual fulfilment to a whole new place…
More and more people are nowadays exploring the pleasure of their anus,
Or as we like to call it, the rosebud…
This increased interest in anal sex is probably thanks to the frequency of its use in porn, though here we’re referring to men receiving, as well as women.
Anal isn’t something you have to do, no matter what anyone says. For some it’s the cherry on top of the ice cream, for others it’s take it or leave and for some the very idea brings up fear, shame and a big why?? It’s great that anal exploration now carries less shame and more acceptance and that it’s rightly not seen as something that comes from, or leads to, homosexual tendencies (not that we see there is anything wrong with this!).
The gifts of anal play
The gifts of anal play are huge sexual and self de-shaming, as we carry much shame in this area where the sun never shines. Giving ourselves permission to enjoy the sensations in this part of our body is a big yes to ourselves. Anal play, done with loving presence, also teaches us to move through fear, to open and surrender, and to relax, not just in sex but in life, teaching us to become a little less anally retentive…it can also release a little of our wild side, exploring something so forbidden. And did we mention, extremely enjoyable orgasms, due to the high number of nerve endings there? For women, anal play can feel erotic because of its difference and naughtiness, and a delicious feeling of ‘fullness’ that arouses the rest of their genitals. For men, anal play is the most direct way to stimulate the prostate, otherwise known at the male GSpot that produces truly mind blowing, soul opening orgasmic experiences. Anal play can even result in amazing orgasms and pleasure for men post prostate removal, and totally without an erection. It can also give men an understanding of what it feels like to be penetrated, how sensual this is, and how much difference taking the time to be fully ready makes. And finally, anal play can leave us feeling grounded and safe, not surprisingly, as it is energetically activating our base chakra.
Communication is everything
However, sadly many people report unsatisfying and often painful experiences of their back door, this happens when we don’t know how, or take the time to be truly open and receptive. It’s not the time to go there late at night after a moment of inspiration.
- Make each step a win, without needing to go all the way.
- Deep, relaxed breathing is paramount
- The person receiving, male or female, needs to be the one in charge of each step, fully trusting their partner to let go to this degree
- Good communication vital, checking in each step of the way that the receiver is ready for the next.
- Anal play is especially vulnerable for a man as it takes him into a receptive role that can be extremely challenging for him so be gentle with him
- Sometimes emotions can be stored here, especially for a man as this area is related to his sense of himself as a man. If they come up just validate and feel them without making them wrong.
If you do decide to go there, to make the most of it you need to take your time. You have two rings of anal muscle, the external one you can actively relax, the internal one you cannot, it only relaxes with the rest of the body so you shouldn’t push through it. It’s best done with some forward planning, including not going there with a full bowel.
- Invite the receiver to lie on their side or belly, so the giver has good access.
- Start with the familiar, some genital play first, encourage the receiver to do plenty of deep breathing as this will invite relaxation.
- Then massage the whole lower back, buttock, upper and inner thigh area firmly using a nice oil like coconut. Take your time here as this will help further relaxation.
- Occasionally including the genitals in your touch as this helps to connect this new place of sensation with something already familiar and pleasurable. Massage the whole genital area- that around the base of the lingam (cock) where it extends into the perineum between the testicles and the anus. If a man is unused to this touch he may find it vulnerable, even painful so go gently here.
Slowly start circling towards the anus whilst softening your touch. Spend time massaging the outside of the anus until you feel it becoming receptive, using lots of oil. If the receiver is warming up to it begin touching their anus directly (using lubricant instead of oil here if desired). Again, include the genitals at times, whilst making sure you keep your anal stroking hand separate to the genital one to prevent genital infection. You can also invite the receiver to stroke their own genitals.
After stroking outside sensuously for while, with the receiver still breathing consciously, gently hold your 3rd finger against their anus with a slight pressure until it spontaneously draws your finger into their body. Or when the receiver feels ready you can invite them to push down on their anus as you slide your finger in past the first ring of muscle. Pause here for a few moments, letting the receiver get used to this new sensation.
Prostate Pleasure- less is more
Then again massage in small circles inside with lots of lube, helping your receiver to further let go and allow your finger past the second muscle ring. Then with your hand facing away from their spine towards their belly, and with their agreement slowly move further in. The prostate (PSpot) feels like a large, softly firm walnut, usually about 2-3 knuckle joints in. Rest your finger against it for a start, allowing the receiver to get used to the intensity of feeling that can be there, stroking their genitals as they do so.
Begin moving the tip of your finger side to side, stroking in a ‘come hither’ movement or vibrating gently, whatever feels best. If you can, take your finger past the prostate and slide all the way back over it so you cover the whole area. If your finger isn’t long enough imagine white light extending from the end of it to do the job (where the mind goes the energy follows).
Nb. Don’t use a fast in/out movement as this is generally less pleasurable (unless they’re really into it). Think slow and gentle, allowing the pleasure to open and spread. Encourage them to breathe, make sound and move their pleasure up along the spine to the heart or crown. If they go into an orgasm hold your finger gently and steadily on their prostate until completed, stroking the full length of the prostate a few times to ensure it drains completely. Encouraging the receiver to make sounds as this prolongs and expands the pleasure, for as long as the sounding continues.
The pleasure and the more…
There are two kinds of experiences in the anus. One is the physical and energetic pleasure to be found there. The other is another place altogether- that of surrender. Surrender not to your partner but to yourself, your soul, and/or worlds beyond. When you come up against resistance or pain in this process you can physically relax enough to allow further penetration. You can also open so deeply, surrender so fully that whole new worlds open up. Where there is not only pleasure but emotion, images and experiences beyond your wildest imaginings. This depends on how open you can allow yourself to be, and how much you can trust your partner to support you through your opening. Surrender is an internal experience of letting go of your mind into your body, letting go of control, opening to trust. It will be different each time and is not to be taken lightly. To go deeper in this process, when you come up against resistance and want to say no, this is enough, see if you can stay a moment or two longer and open a little further. Have safe words, eg. Green (keep going), Yellow (hold here for now) and Red (get out now) that are clearer than just No. This is where your partner needs to be very clear in seeing where you are at, and not have any agenda about the outcome for themselves. It can take a few times to get to this level of trust but is worth the effort.
Just using a finger is often enough but if the receiver desires to be penetrated more fully, then do so with your lingam/cock, vibrator or dildo, playing with subtle changes in the angle for different responses. Sometimes an anal plug, prostate massager or anal vibe can be a gentle beginning (or an extra pleasure in regular lovemaking or self pleasuring). If you’re worried about infection cover anything inserted with a condom, including fingers. Serious players use an enema bulb to clean up first, but you can just keep a towel handy in case of accidents. If you’re going to insert anything in your anus ensure that it has a way of being removed- ie. a wide flange on the outside, a handle or a string of some kind, as you don’t want to end up at the hospital asking for it to be surgically removed…and remember to always wash your hands after you’ve completed or before moving to focus on the yoni/vagina.
Be guided by your lover at all times
Anal play can take a few times for it to feel amazing, as you move through your layers of resistance. Have no agenda on what the outcome will look like, just take it one step at a time as each step can bring beautiful gifts, bringing you closer to each other and more awake in yourselves.
For any questions on Anal play or anything else sexual, email us here.