A Soft Cock: to Love or Not to Love?

A Soft Cock.

Most men have had a few in their lives.

This limpness is often looked upon with a good deal of fear, frustration and shame.

Because the necessity of a hard, erect, even rampant cock in sex is deeply entrenched in the masculine psyche.

It’s also deeply entrenched in the feminine psyche that an erect penis is the ultimate sign of female desirability. Leaving many women feeling rejected and ashamed when their partner’s erection is missing. Making it doubly hard for a man to deal with the loss of his ‘manhood’.

Into this scary picture strides Viagra

With an apparent solution, with men reaching for it in droves.

And it DOES provide a solution for the erection itself in many, but not all cases. Medical News Today says across many studies, between 43% and 83% of men who took Viagra had improved erections. (These rates varied depending on the cause of their ED and the dosage of Viagra being used.) In comparison, improved erections occurred in 10% to 24% of men who took a placebo (no active drug).

Yet as good as it has been Viagra is not the answer to all erection problems, as evidenced by studies revealing that Viagra and Cialis are quite effective drugs but 50% of people stop using them within a year, and 60-70% of people have some degree of dissatisfaction with them.

Contrary to popular belief, Viagra won’t make you feel interested in sex.

It typically won’t make you feel anything at all. The effects of Viagra are purely physical, not emotional or energetic. And we think this is the key to why men might stop using it.

Viagra is designed to improve your performance, that is your ability to get, and maintain, an erection. Viagra may produce a noticeable improvement in the general level of enjoyment you get from sex due to effects. Yet Viagra isn’t associated with any significant increase in your level of sexual interest, sexual arousal or your sex drive in general.

Viagra doesn’t seem to appear to have any effect on the way sex feels.

We believe that men lose interest in Viagra over time because they are rightly looking for something more than just performance. It won’t make you feel more stimulated during sexual activity, nor will it result in any positive or negative change in the level of sensation you feel. There’s also no research showing that Viagra causes more intense or satisfying orgasms.

Women also report that thought their man may have a long lasting erection she often can’t feel the man behind the erection. This is who she is ultimately looking to connect with inside of the sexual act. The part that brings closeness and a fulfilment that lies beyond physical satisfaction.

Sensation and pleasure in the whole body

This sensation and pleasure in the whole body, including the erection, is what brings the experience of connection and intimacy in sex.

So if you’re looking for more of this deeper satisfaction, it’s useful to take on the idea that a soft cock is not a ‘failure’. It’s an opportunity to feel more. To stop focussing on performing and start focusing on feeling, for BOTH lovers.

Because having an erection isn’t related to how much pleasure you can feel. We have been in a room full of men in full bodied, even multi orgasmic pleasure without an erection to be seen.  

We’ll repeat this because it can be hard to take in.

Having an erection ISN’T related to how much pleasure you can feel.

If an erection isn’t playing, choose instead to focus on some deep breathing, relaxing and full bodied touching, even snuggling and feeling in your belly and chest for your emotional feelings.  

Feeling into your heart, going it compassion and feeling it open.

Later you can focus on going within yourself and connecting to your body from the inside, as you relax and pleasure your cock from a place of enjoyment, rather than trying to get it up.

And give yourself time for your sexual pleasure to arise more fully into pleasure again.

Whilst fully enjoying what IS present in the meantime.

How to let go of being limited to your primal urges and social conditioning

You are more than your primal urges and social conditioning.

You can let go of being controlled by this part of you by:

• Letting go of any stories about a lack of masculinity, or feminine desirability.
• Choose not to buy into them when they show up, because show up they will.
• Find the part of you in your body (not in your mind) that has been attached to them.
• Have compassion for this part of you, feel what feelings are there, breathe through them.
• Choose to honour and celebrate it.
• Then scan your body for the part of you that ISN’T attached to your manhood being attached to your erection.
• Notice what this part of you feels like, what are its qualities?
• Choose to honour and celebrate it.
• Feel the part of you that IS attached to this part of you, and the part of you that isn’t. Then feel the part of you that has the choice between the two. Choose to visit this part of you often.
• The female partner can do the same exploration of the part of her that is attached to the belief that if her lover doesn’t haven’t an erection she is not sexually desirable.

For more on this subject check out this article on erection problems.

And this TedTalk on creating extraordinary intimacy in a shutdown world, about the gift from having impotency after prostate cancer.