These Intimate tips will make an instant difference to your sexual experience so read on…try one…try a few…over time try them all!
1. Breathe more-
The number one tip for better lovemaking. We breathe to keep ourselves alive. Not only does the amount we breathe determine the quantity of life we have, but the way we breathe also determines the quality of our lives. This includes sex. If you’re like most people you’re probably not that aware of your breathing until things become hot and heavy. That is just before orgasm, when breath becomes short and fast, or stops. This is way too late to become aware of your breath, as its gifts are legendary. For the more you breathe the more you feel. Breathing vastly improves the amount of pleasure, staying power and rejuvenation you can experience.
Breathing relieves tiredness
One of the main reasons people give for not making love is feeling too tired at the end of a hard day. Breathing more fully at the beginning of your lovemaking will transform your tired body into a more alive, energized one. Breathing more deeply also surprisingly enhances the connection you feel to yourself and to your lover. It does this by enhancing how present you are to the moment and to your bodies. Especially if you choose to breathe together for a moment or two here and there.
There are many varied and fancy ways to breathe but the best way to start is to keep it simple so you’ll DO it!
(a) Begin with noticing how deeply you are breathing – just into your upper chest, middle chest or to your belly.
(b) Practice breathing more deeply, start with breathing into your belly, allowing it to puff out and in, as you inhale and exhale.
(c) When this feels comfortable, breathe all the way down to your genitals, literally breathing life into them. Notice their response- it can be subtle at first, but it should awaken them into full, tingling life.
(d) If you can, breathe out through your mouth- as things brings your attention more fully into your body and out of your head.
(e) Know that the faster you breathe the faster you come. Whilst the slower and deeper you breathe, the more full body and lasting your pleasure becomes.
2. Be here now-
When we go into lovemaking we can be focussed on our thousand and one thoughts- thoughts that keep us removed from our experience. On what we want to happen, what happened when it was great that other time, or in your favourite fantasy. Perhaps thoughts on what is not happening, or whose job is what and why are they not doing it right? Or fears of not getting anywhere, of disappointment, even dislike of being there at all. Whilst all this is going on we miss what is actually happening right now. And the more that we’re missing what is real, the poorer the experience we are creating.
So, give your mind a job to keep it present. Invite it to notice what you are feeling and experiencing right here and now. The sights, sounds, smells, touches, sensations and feelings. Not as you would LIKE them to be in your fantasy, but as they actually are right now. The more acceptance you bring to what is happening the faster it will shift into something great. Your partner will notice and appreciate you being there! The other trick is, as we mentioned above, to exhale out of your mouth as often as you can.
3. Be You!
Another thing that we commonly do in the bedroom is when the sex starts we assume a role and become a performer. We stop being who we are and try to act out the fantasy of how we think sex should look. We do this based on the many visual images and stories that we’ve seen or heard about sex. This is great if you are actively acting out that fantasy, and your lover is joining you. If not, just be who you are, as this is who your lover has chosen to make love with. And its who you benefit from being with most of all.
4. Make regular eye contact-
Yes, you’ve heard it before. It’s so powerful it is worth bringing up again. Eye gazing is one of the simplest and deepest ways to share intimacy- to literally see and be seen! Trite but true, the eyes are the windows of the soul. This is also the quickest way to achieve No.2 and 3. We don’t mean a full on staring contest, just a soft gaze. Focus on their L eye if it helps, as this is the receptive eye.
If this is too full on to sustain, just try a moment here and there and build up as your comfort level increases. If it becomes uncomfortable breathe, relax, see if you can stay a moment longer before you leave. You might be surprised how this opens the connection you have been missing. If you are gazing but your lover is not, simply gaze with love until you meet again on the next round!
5. Add in some relaxation-
This will allow your body to expand and literally leave you room for more love and pleasure. Our sexual pleasure (and love for that matter), exists as an energy, which needs room to move in. Especially when we are reaching for orgasm, we do the opposite. We tighten and strain our bodies, holding our breath, searching for that elusive moment of release (especially last thing at night!).
By doing this we actually limit the energy (pleasure) we’re capable of feeling. Whilst we are busy grasping for that moment of release we are also keeping our hearts closed, and keeping ourselves separate from our lover. Adding in some relaxation through deep, slow breathing opens us up and takes the performance pressure off. It also builds connection through something called entrainment. Ironically, in relaxing, we receive more of what we desire, rather than less. It’s a risk worth taking.
6. Learn the value of pausing-
There is much to experience through non doing. After a diet of sexual images where sex is all pulsing action this can seem a novel concept. We are actually talking about non doing on the outside, and doing on the inside. Let go of your external physical movement and pause for a time. Move actively within yourself by continuing to breathe with awareness. You must breathe here or your mind will create a story that it’s boring. Use your mind to see how much it can notice in this place- what you are feeling, what you can feel in your lover, the sights, smells, sounds etc.
The stopping actually allows the energy to gain momentum as it ebbs and flows in a more natural rhythm. Rather than in a mind generated push straight to the finish line. This is where you and your lover can connect, feel and experience each other more fully, just by being there. It’s the place where surprises will show up.
7. Learn the art of active receiving-
Practicing receiving is the most precious gift you can give to both yourself and your lover. Not only receiving from your lover, but also from the energy in your sexual life force itself. Receiving opens hearts through the gratitude it brings, and accesses spirit, through the acceptance it takes. It is also the doorway to greater pleasure through the expansion it offers.
How do you do learn to receive? It’s a mindset firstly, opening your mind to letting go of control and allowing whatever is happening to be, just as it is. And again breathing deeply. Consciously breathing in what you are being given, whether it is touch, love or energy. Notice your own resistances and see if you can accept and breathe them away.
8. Focus on one area-
Sometimes we avoid sex because it is just too much effort, especially at the end of the day. So why not take a chance and focus on one or two areas of lovemaking alone- rather than trying to do everything every time. For example just focus on kissing and hugging, massaging one lovers genitals, or just have oral sex. Whatever you do, take your time to savour it, do it well. The way to do most sex well is to do it more slowly, become a connoisseur. It will be worth it.
9. Experience your emotions differently.
If we feel feelings other than arousal or pleasure in sex we think they don’t belong there. Feelings such as fear, sadness, irritation, shame, numbness etc. We think these feelings are wrong and try to avoid them, or shut them down. We do this by shallowing our breath. Wrong! ALL feelings exist as energy in the body- good or bad. So if we shut down on them and shallow our breathing to avoid feeling them, we also shut down on the sexual pleasure! Instead, learn to accept them. Breathe, feel any feelings fully and they will literally move out of your body, leaving more room for love and pleasure to arise afterward. If breathing doesn’t shift them, try sounding them, for sound sets up a vibration in the body to move energy and invite pleasure. Bigger than ever. Accepting these “non sexual” feelings is the second skill in becoming a master lover. It takes time to override our conditioned response to avoid them. Be gentle with yourselves.
10. Look deeper.
Take time to notice anywhere you might be holding back, pushing your lover, hiding away, avoiding, tensing up, stopping breathing, feeling emotion, focussing on your lover at the expense of yourself, thinking a lot etc. We have oodles of negative conditioning that stops us fully opening in sex. Take the time to ask yourself what might be going on here? Not trying to figure it out in your mind, just asking the question and allowing what comes. The more consciously we see ourselves the more creatively we can respond. If you think something is not working, speak up! If you do it without blame, and with kindness it can shift the dynamic into something more fulfilling.
We trust that bringing any of these tips into your lovemaking will make you hungry for more- when you’re ready, you know where we are!
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