Tantric Sex For Women- a journey into self love
If you listen in to a conversation between women about sex these days you will find the topic most commonly focussed on is orgasm. Whether she had one, how many she had, whereabouts she had them- clitoris, gspot, uspot, aspot, deep spot, heart, throat, anal, full body, skin, energetic; how she got there and how good her partner/vibrator was in getting her there. Sex has become about peak and performance, heavily influenced by visual and orgasm based pornography. Tantric sex focuses on the inside, it is much more about what you feel than what you see and it feels wonderful.
Some years ago after the completion of one of my women’s Tantric workshops I took all of the participants out for a celebration dinner. It just so happened that the day coincided with the running of the local Horsham Cup. This was back in the days when I ran my workshops in rural western Victoria. As we trouped up to the Exchange Hotel (the best place to get a nice, reasonably priced evening meal in the sticks!) I noticed a couple of tables containing women who, given the tres chic way they were dressed, had obviously been out to this fashionable event.
Tantra’s inner radiance
I noticed the women looked wonderful on the outside, quite ready for a spot in Vogue or Cosmo, but even allowing for the fact that they’d probably had a long day the inner spark, the radiance I look for in a woman’s beauty was missing. It seemed that the outfits were wearing the women rather than the other way around. Unlike the post workshop attendees who (after also having had a full on day) were looking totally radiant, beaming with life and love from the inside out. And what they were wearing, whilst also very nice, was taking a back seat to the women themselves. I have never forgotten this striking comparison as it was a reminder for me of what Tantra is all about for a woman- connecting to and experiencing all of who she is from within. This takes sex to a whole other dimension- a place of surrender, expansion, ecstasy and union with spirit.
A woman spends a lot of her life looking for who she is. She learns very early in life that for her life is about how she looks and how she fits in to what is expected of her. This is because woman is The Other, made from Adam’s spare rib. Mankind is the centre of life and woman is created to reflect in man’s image. She is born without a sense of herself and spends the remainder of her life trying to find it. The model for success she is given is masculine based, focussed on external motivations taking her further away from her feminine essence. With feminine qualities seen as less than by the majority of society she quickly loses contact with her innate way of being. In her uncertainty she embraces the external world of doing, of achieving, trying to “have it all”, or feels guilty for not doing so. This is how she approached sex as well.
Society has also skewed the essence of woman for its own purposes in praising her for her ability to nurture, to feel love and compassion at the expense of her other qualities. This has led woman, in her need for love and approval to over focus on those around her to the detriment of herself. This takes her further away from her core strengths and leaves her vulnerable, depressed and insecure, or with a wall of pseudo confidence and independence yet unfulfilled within. It leaves her empty.
This is where Tantra and Tantric Sex comes in. Tantra invites a woman to more fully embody her feminine state, giving her access to the qualities that nurture, sustain and fill her up. This process is about surrendering rather than effort. It doesn’t mean that she needs to abandon her drive for independence and achievement but offers a way to help her sustain it. Tantric sex is more fulfilling than a tension focussed performance straining an already empty tank.
Our feminine qualities
What are these much maligned feminine qualities? Feeling, emotion, intensity, sexuality, vitality, nurturing, intuition, creativity, beingness, spontaneity, movement, receptivity, softness, vulnerability, fullness, submission, yielding, surrender, play, mystery, fluidity, changeability, connection, magnetic attractiveness, inner radiance, beauty, wisdom, embodied spirit.
Many of these qualities are denigrated as weakness or fragility. But is a being capable of carrying and giving birth to a new life (whether she chooses to or not) fragile? Is a being capable of a wild, intense fury to chase after the one trying to steal her child a weakling? Is being fully in a moment of spontaneous and revitalizing play somehow deficient? Is a being that can surrender into her heart and softly nurture your deepest wounds pathetic? Is a being who can magnetically attract you with her beauty and radiance, then vulnerably receive you into her body and the deepest, most intimate recesses of her heart and soul helpless? Is a being that can offer wisdom from her intuition spirit and years of experience merely irrelevant?
Perhaps it is a misunderstanding of what these qualities can offer that leads us to deny what they offer? As women we are guilty of supporting the societal view of the feminine as we too are disconnected from ourselves and our truth. We fear vulnerability as a loss of control and see it as a source of suffering, we see surrender as a loss of power. From this place of disconnection we put up barriers to keep others (especially lovers) out of our hearts. We forget is that these barriers keep us out of our own hearts, and our sense of self.
Connecting it with sex
You might ask what does all of this have to do with sex? I say everything, as a woman who is fully connected with herself and her heart experiences sex from this holistic and Tantric perspective, rather than merely a physical or mental one. It can be sex for pleasure, for procreation, making love, or experiencing sexuality as her vital life force, feeling it alive and vibrant inside her as she goes about her day.
Yes, we can have sex that focuses on the physical mechanics of peak orgasm, this is a great beginning place. It would be a tragedy if this was all a women ever sought. As exploring the nature of her feminine qualities will open a woman to her sense of self, and her body to pleasure the way the predictability of a vibrator cannot. I suggest taking time out to explore the qualities listed above and finding ways to experience them. You’ll have a sense of remembering who you “are” and fall more and more in love with yourself, leading to greater life and sexual confidence, openness and pleasure.
To take yourself to the heights of your sexual possibilities you need to go inside yourself; trust, connect and surrender to your flow that lies within you – this is the unending orgasmic ecstasy you are capable of.
The following steps will begin this exploration of what lies within you.
Try them with yourself first (allow a minimum of 30 mins, with practice it will take a few mins only) and then share with your partner:
1. Breathing- the more you breathe the more you feel and connect to yourself. Breathe deeply down into your belly and “let go” or relax as you exhale through your mouth. Allow your body to relax. Don’t worry, you don’t need a lot of tension to orgasm, in fact tension will limit it.
2. Drop your attention from your mind into your body. Notice your breath, scan your body and notice the sensations and feelings. If you aren’t feeling anything don’t make it WRONG! This will just create more thinking. Just keep noticing and allowing what is, trusting that it will change. It can feel like you are dropping into nothing, this is where you need to trust yourself.
3. Then do the same with your attention to your genitals- breathe, notice and allow.
4. Continue deep breathing and now drop into your heart, when you do you will feel your body become soft, safe and receptive. If you feel any resistance or fear just allow it to be there, accept it and it will shift.
4. You may be noticing tingling sensations in your body, this is the activation of your ecstatic energy. Begin to breathe in through your open mouth as you rock your hips forward, breathe out through your nose as you rock your hips back. Imagine you are filling yourself full of breath, energy or love.
5. Relax and play with the size, speed and rhythm of your breath and movements. Add in some pelvic floor squeezes if you like. Enjoy yourself and see what happens. Be in the flow.
6. Give yourself permission to make sounds. Don’t fake it like a porn star, just ask yourself is there a sound there that wants to be expressed, start gently. The vibrations in your throat amplify the ones in your body.
7. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes (even if it’s not you!)- pleasure, power, ecstasy, love, wet, messy, emotion, connection, expansion, spirit etc etc.
Above all stay connected with yourself, keep and open mind and from here you can fly. Once you get this combination adding in touch will feel electric and super pleasurable. You are well on the way to connecting with the truth of who you are and the ecstasy that lies within. Connecting with this place in yourself will energetically invite your partner to meet you there. From this place move on to explore your orgasmic spots, especially your gspot, allow them to take you their heights with you in the driver’s seat. This is the Tantric approach to sex for a woman, so worth the journey!