We’re all unique when it comes to sex.
That’s why talking about sex is so important.
Here we help you explore what it is that you want actually want from sex and how to go about talking about it- outside of sex, during sex, when things aren’t working in sex, after sex, even around the children!
So let’s talk about sex, baby!
Even in this supposedly sexually open era few couples actually feel comfortable in talking with each other about what’s happening in their bedrooms, it’s still a very sticky subject. Sex for purely for pleasure and intimacy purposes is a pretty recent invention and it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it. In our culture, sex is used in marketing everything from alcohol to tractors, so it is not difficult to imagine the confusion that people feel in not being able to discuss it openly and honestly with their lovers. So if this is you, you’re not alone. Difficulty in talking about it is totally understandable due to the socially conditioned shame we all carry about sex, which is either supported or undermined by the underlying dynamics of your own personal history and level of relationship intimacy.
But if you want a better sex life then finding a way to get through this fear and talking about it is essential.
Here are some tips to help THAT conversation:
Going about it the right way can mean simply having a conversation about sex can be a fulfilling sexual experience.
Starting with discussing this post and exploring the bigger picture may help.
Know that Yes, it may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary but have no expectations, take some deep breaths and gently jump in.
- Have no doubt your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you.
- Pick a time and place with some space and privacy and especially not during sex.
- Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you.
- Simply owning your fear and embarrassment, admitting this is important for you and you feel unsure how to start IS a good start.
Do you see sex as one or more of these:
- A source of love and connection, an unconditional giving and receiving?
- A chance to de stress and relieve tension?
- An inner exploration where learn something new about yourself?
- A seeking of excitement and pleasure, of being on your edge?
- A source of fantasy fulfilment where you act out your fantasies?
- A fulfilment of your spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all things, the end of separation, accessing other dimensions?
- Self affirmation through giving your partner pleasure?
- Maintenance sex, where you like to enjoy the things you’ve found that work, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
- A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?
- A way to enhance your physical and emotional wellbeing through energy generation?
Discuss what you mean by your answers and try to be as specific as you can, as this helps your partner to understand where you’re coming from.
Try not to force any outcomes just make it an exploration of where you’re both at, with the mindset that taking a step back to see more clearly may take you forward in a way beyond your wildest imagination.
Don’t be afraid to admit your own fears and short comings in sex, your partner will have their own and sharing them in a nonjudgmental setting can help
Getting specific about your sex together:
- Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier, you don’t have to make it a whole big conversation if this is too much.
- Keep it as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
- Begin with compliments. Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.
- Have an intention to simply explore and understand. Rather than having an agenda of trying to get your partner to better meet your needs by telling them what they’re doing WRONG! (It’s amazing how many people think this approach will work…have been guilty of it ourselves in the past) Your partner will feel your agenda and your judgement, they’ll start out defensive and it will go downhill from here! The outcome of a gentler and more positive approach is totally the opposite, it’s likely to be your partner wanting to serve you better with more understanding and ease between you. We cannot overstate the importance of this approach.
- It’s not easy but don’t take their comments personally, their comments show more about them than you.
- Be curious about your lover’s experience rather than judgmental.
- Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier.
- If you don’t know what it is that you want for yourself, try some self pleasuring and explore yourself to find out.
- Get clear on what are your/your partner’s signals for wanting sex, and also get clear on what is NOT a signal. Talk about it.
- Discuss what you would like more of/less of.
- If you have any concerns, sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your lover has somewhere to go with it.
- Share what are your ‘quickie turn ons”, what fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have them, they will be unique to us, find ones you can share.
- Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
- What is your end game- how do you each like to finish? What works for each of you, can you combine them?
Ask questions of each other, be curious, explore possibilities.
Speak more of what you DO want than about what you don’t want.
Express desires but make no demands here as demands have only one of two responses- resistance or submission and submission creates resentment (unless you’re really into this!)
Most likely you will have a range of desires between you, go for a win/win situation.
Approach it from the place of being on the same team with both working towards a solution.
Sex = Children = No Sex
It’s funny how the gift of children that come from the act of sex seem to be the reason many people stop having sex after they arrive!
This is partly due to the place we keep sex in our minds- that it is private, embarrassing, naughty, dirty, or just noisy. And that kids shouldn’t know we’re doing it. It’s important to normalize sex, to make it part of family life, rather than keep it separate. It’s also vital that you’re relationship intimacy is not seen as less important than caring for your children’s needs. There is no reason why kids can’t be in the house whilst you’re making love (unless you’re wanting to get really wild and noisy, or otherwise complicated!). Open hearted pleasure that leaves you feeling great will nurture and uplift those around you as well. Talk about ‘parent time’ for loving each other or having cuddles. Set young children up with an activity to keep them occupied and if they happen to interrupt just tend to their need and come back, rather than give up or let your child get into bed with you. If you’re children are old enough to be up without supervision let them know you’re going to bed early to have some ‘connection time’ (no details needed). If you clearly hold sex in a place of importance and sacredness in yourself, your kids will do the same, even if they might smirk behind their hands whilst saying ‘Yuk’ they will ultimately highly value the positive role modelling you offer.
Talking about sex during sex:
It doesn’t have to be dirty talk (though this can add occasional spice!) but letting your partner know you’re loving what’s happening for you is a great way to build the intensity and deepen your connection, especially when done with eye connection. We all love being affirmed and this is a powerful place to be affirmed in. It can be as simple as “I’m loving that thing you’re doing with your tongue right now, it feels DELICIOUS! Oohs and Aahs are a good start but being specific (when you can engage your thoughts) incites even more energy into what is happening. Saying “I love you” with eye connection is very powerful.
Talking about what’s not working during sex:
- When you’re actually in the moment keep your communication simple and direct.
- Women generally fear speaking up about what they want but most men will love you for it if you leave the complaints out.
- What men do fear is criticism in this tender place so rather than complaining about what is not working ask for what you do want instead. Eg. If you want a change say ‘this is ok and a little to the left would be even better!’ or ‘I’d love it if you could go a bit slower, that’s great, can you go even slower?’
- Sometimes just taking your lover’s hand and putting it where you want it can be the most direct way.
- Don’t expect your partner to remember every time as it can differ, just make it a habit of asking for what you want (ironically this takes the shame and frustration out of it and they’re more likely to remember).
- If nothing is working it’s OK to pause, breathe and take the time to come back to a place of connection with yourselves and see what emerges from here. Don’t make it wrong. Don’t make your partner wrong. Don’t run away. Focus on what IS happening for you and share this ie. I’m feeling distracted, not really present, disconnected from myself, shutdown, left out, flat etc. Own this as your feeling, nothing to do with your partner (even the best technique in the world won’t get you there if you’re not available). If your partner is feeling something less than perfect don’t make it about you. As scary as it sounds stating what and allowing it to be ok can empower things to shift.
Talk after sex:
Just a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards. A little later there is great benefit in sharing what you experienced for even though you may have felt totally in connection with one another we still have our own uniquely personal perspective. It’s also a great way to learn more for next time. This can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you. Own your comments and speak from the heart.
Lastly, reassess your sexual map regularly, as like us, our sexual desires change over time.
If you would like any help in getting this conversation started give us a call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here