From Motherhood to Bedroom Goddess
How does a woman make the transition from the all consuming role of Mother back into that of a sexual being?
This question came up for me in the lead up to Mothers’ Day, seeing surprise gifts handed out to ‘deserving’ mothers on daytime TV. I noticed the gifts appeared to be given specifically to the very traditional type mothers- selfless givers with no thought of themselves and for whom caring for others was their life’s work. All of them were humble and embarrassed to be 
receiving anything. Beautiful women, though not what I would call empowered sexual beings, who I perceive generally to have more of a sense of themselves, whilst still caring about others. The mainstream TV show was unlikely to focus on anything that would challenge traditional views on motherhood yet this question still arose for me about what happens for mothers with their sexuality. I am not a mother so I cannot speak from my own experience but I can refer to experiences of the many women I have worked with who have been confronted with their own particular challenge in this area- is the idea of a sexual mother an oxymoron, perhaps even something forbidden? Can a woman be both a mother and a sexual being at the same time or does she at some level need to reject one to become the other?
For a woman becoming a mother is an all-enveloping experience. Conceiving (ironically through the act of sex), carrying and giving birth to a new human life is a momentous achievement. 
It would be hard for a new mother not to be overwhelmed by love for the tiny new born who has been a part of her body, who relies on her for their very survival and radiates unconditional love. This love is something some women never recover from (and some struggle to find), for them no other love is ever the same, especially the more complicated love they have with the other adult in their life.
Particularly in the early years, being a mother IS about the constant doing for, giving to and protecting of children not yet able to do so for themselves. As the children grow older motherhood is an ongoing role nurturing and supporting. Motherhood involves a lot of giving out. Motherhood is a time of total selflessness with little time or energy, depending on how much support she has, to devote to herself, making it a challenging place to fit sex into. Even if she enjoys sex all of the above can make the idea of it quite overwhelming.
As a society we have this idea that being a mother and being a sexual being somehow don’t mix. Indeed, the most celebrated mother of all became pregnant by immaculate conception! I am aware of mothers very ashamed to acknowledge that 
the nipple stimulation from feeding their babies can result in orgasms; though it appears quite common it’s rarely spoken about. Enlightened doulas (midwives) are helping women to experience what is known as orgasmic birth, with the pain of their contractions transformed into pleasure, a cataclysmic shift from the traditional western birthing model that shows us birth is not as far from sex as we might think.
Women who haven’t had a healthy relationship with the sexual part of themselves, or who have had uninspiring lovers and not enjoyed lovemaking can see motherhood as an escape from something they resent and are only too happy to say goodbye to. Even in the best relationships motherhood can mean men are sexually left out in the cold for a year or two post birth, and possibly much longer. This is a situation both need to work with to create a positive long term outcome. And no fellas, begging does not count. Check out this article ‘And Baby Makes Three…’
Of course Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis had a bit to say on the subject with his theories about the Oedipus complex and the influence of his work remains today even for people who haven’t heard of him. His theory said that all children see their mothers as the satisfiers of their desires and as they grow old enough to have sexual desires the mother becomes an object of sexual gratification for them, a big no no because of its incestuous overtones. Of course, this is more about the child’s experience than the mothers, but it has likely informed the idea that mothers should be sexless to keep their children safe. Unfortunately, a surprising number of children have sadly still been sexually abused by their mothers, both boys and girls, even though it is a little acknowledged or studied phenomenon fuelled by our belief in the sanctity of mothers and their separation from their sexuality.
The idea of sexual mothers is rare enough to be celebrated as a genre of pornographic fetishes known as MILFS, or sex with mothers I’d like to f..k, no doubt by men wanting to be taken care of in their sexual experience and still about the woman giving out.
Sexuality is partly quite a selfish pursuit, with us focussing on ourselves, our pleasures, our desires to connect with another in order to end our aloneness. It’s also about receiving; receiving attention, receiving pleasure, even another’s body- the opposite of a mother’s giving out (unless she is receiving her partner for his benefit rather than her own). So it can be quite a shift for her to be able to get back into herself and be sexual.
And finally, society gives such kudos to the exalted role of motherhood it can be hard to give it up and focus on the much less often approved of (except privately by men) sexual part of herself.
Yet women are NOT just mothers, they’re also sexual beings and there are benefits in rediscovering this part of themselves. Such as an overall higher level of energy, passion and availability to life, greater self-confidence and self-esteem, a removal of guilt and relationship insecurity ie. will my partner look elsewhere; and an increased closeness and intimacy with her partner. Saying yes to your sexual self can include the suggestions in Nurturing Your Life Force Energy, learning some new ways to feel sexual, bringing in a Tantric flavour to your lovemaking or coming along to a Power of Yoni workshop.
If you would like support in reconnecting to your sexual self, or managing the disconnect as a result in your relationship contact us here or call 1800 TANTRA.
Starting with discussing this post and exploring the bigger picture may help.
t of children that come from the act of sex seem to be the reason many people stop having sex after they arrive!
Just a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards. A little later there is great benefit in sharing what you experienced for even though you may have felt totally in connection with one another we still have our own uniquely personal perspective. It’s also a great way to learn more for next time. This can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you. Own your comments and speak from the heart.
blankness of the depression family (some may say it is underneath depression), it is profound nothingness. This is what the eastern mystics do so well, and whilst we might not need to rid ourselves of our worldly possessions and live on the road without money like a sadhu, a life of nothingness it does have much to teach us. If we can be OK with our experiences of nothingness we can let go of the endless need to get, to have, to do, to accumulate, to be and to achieve. Not that these are bad things in themselves, our lives are richer for them. But if they control us we are out of control of ourselves. And the way to find this control within is to be willing to be OK in our nothingness, to welcome it in as a precious gift and experience for a time and receive its profound healing. Just like the night sky can be a relief after the intensity of a hot, sunny day. So if you come across nothingness in your ABC practice welcome it in!
wonder of it.
Temple at Khajuraho which is covered with thousands of highly erotic sculptures, considered vulgar or pornographic in the west. A student of this temple must meditate on each erotic image until he has come to peace with the lustful desires it inspires before he is allowed to enter the vast space that lies within the temple itself. A lustful mind will imagine a real orgy going on inside these temples, even more sex than is depicted on the outside, when actually inside is the vastness of nothing, where true peace lives. This understanding allows us to no longer be controlled by sex, to no longer destroy love at the expense of lust.
Vulnerability is always scary but any danger comes from our lack of understanding and inability in dealing with it. When we think of vulnerability we’re conditioned to think of something being wrong, that we’re literally in danger. Vulnerability has warning signs around it saying ‘don’t go there, don’t go there’. From here we make the logical choice to try and defend ourselves or attack that which is making us feel vulnerable. When we do this we miss out on the love, connection, healing and self-understanding that lies on the other side of our vulnerability.
vulnerability within ourselves becomes a place of strength, going beyond our weakness to where we no longer feel the need to hide or protect ourselves. We find we are not weak and helpless but vast and powerful. We’re less dependent on our partner’s response. We’re totally emotionally open and available to ourselves and to our partners, even to love itself. We surrender to ourselves, our mind sinks into our heart. We’re freer and more connected to our essence.
you have probably remained contracted in your feelings rather than fully dropping though them into the essence of you that lives underneath your pain and your story.
