Oztantra Blog – Love Sex & Passionate Relationships

Sex After 50: The Delicious Years

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that sex after 50 needs to be a distant memory!

Many studies have shown that humans are interested in sex well into their 80’s, it’s just in our youth obsessed culture we ignore this intriguing possibility…

Sex changes as we get older, and that’s all because if we change with it, sex will become even better as we get older…

At 57 years of age, whenever I’ve had sex and I look in the mirror I think “Wow, you’re looking great!” My eyes are huge and luminous, my skin radiant, my body relaxed and sensually alive. I not only look good, I feel pretty good too.

Even though I have to admit my libido is not what it used to be. It very much comes and goes.

But what IS always there is what I call the ‘grown up’ factor. This is the part of me that recognizes even if I don’t ‘feel horny’ at the thought of sex, I always have the choice to make it happen.

Getting Into The Driver’s Seat

This is the difference between having sexual desire driving me, and me driving my sexual desire. This is the difference between hormonal driven ‘youthful sex’ and the choice driven sex that can happen once the hormonal flush is over.

Part of me, and of most people I speak to, still longs for the effortless ‘horniness’ that allows sex to ‘just happen’. I liken it to the part of me that sometimes longs for someone bigger than me to take charge, someone that will cook dinner when I come home late or will come up with a sensational new idea I’m after. It’s that part of me not willing to take full responsibility.

Once I recognize what is going on I can drop it. For of course, I can take charge in my own life and want to do so.

Saying YES to Sex!

This is what happens with our sex lives. As we move out of hormonal driven desires we need to take responsibility for what we can create in our sex lives. WE need to say YES to sex before it will say YES to us.

When we do say YES, our sex drive will show up even better than before. To want the many benefits sex can bring. (see benefits of sex article)

When we say to our partners “I would really like to make love with you tonight” and remember delicious times from the past and have an open mind about what can be created right now great things can happen.

Rather than sex being a rush to orgasmic relief, each moment can be a choice to feel, to breathe, to be fully in our bodies, fully in the moment, to be present to the opportunities arising.

To start by just holding each other and relaxing.

To drop any agendas about what sex ‘should’ look like and go with what is.

To be willing to take your time.

Breathe and pc squeeze.

To love wanting the feel of aliveness and connection inside us that great lovemaking can bring.

To be right here now.

To be willing to trust that desire will arise given an atmosphere of trust and understanding.

Confident enough to be intimate, vulnerable and open.

With more of ourselves to reveal than ever before.

Less drive, more skill and so much more to discover!

If you would like some support to upgrade your lovemaking skills to make the most of getting older sex contact us about an Ultimate Couples Getaway, a chance for you to chill out in a beautiful beach or rainforest location whilst your very own bedroom specialists come right to your very door and respectfully (clothes on) lead the way!

Sex: Just How Good Is It For You?

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The benefits of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

Here we outline a few of them:

So you can enjoy the experience even more, whilst knowing you’re doing something good for yourself.
And if you’ve been finding more reasons not to go there recently here’s a few reasons to turn yourself back on to the advantages of a little nookie…

Sex is not only pleasurable, do you know just how good it is for you? The benefits range from reducing your stress levels to lowering your risk of cancer and heart attacks. Sex facilitates bonding and feelings of intimacy that do more than just make you feel good, they actually reduce anxiety and boost your overall health and wellbeing. Let’s explore the perks more fully.

Fewer Sick Days with a Higher Libido?

Studies comparing those sexually active with those who aren’t say that more sex equals fewer sick days by boosting your immune system. So the next time you’re feeling a cold coming on as well as reaching for the Vitamin C and heading to bed early reach for your partner (or your own genitals) and get some feel good vibes going in your body.

Having sex also boosts your libido and your sexual desire. It reminds your body just how good it can feel and makes it want more. So if it’s been a while for you don’t stress about it just get started and believe it will get even better as you practice more.

Your Pelvic Floor

You can improve your bladder and erection control by having regular sex and orgasms as they strengthen and tone your pelvic floor muscles. Your pelvic floor muscles not only promote continence and erectile function they’re also a pleasure generator. As the more you squeeze, the more you stimulate the well of sexual energy that lives in your pelvic bowl! You don’t need to squeeze hard just regularly.

Heart Disease and Cancer

Lowering your risk of heart disease might seem a distant reason to have sex but can you think of a more important one? Sex helps not only keep you physically active it helps balance your hormones, lowers your blood pressure and your stress levels. Sex gets you active and burns calories too. It cannot replace your gym workout or your morning walk but it is a nice way to get some extra physical activity and much more effective than vegging out on the couch!

Sex can also reduce the risk of prostate cancer and improve vaginal health post menopause. Men who ejaculated more frequently than those who didn’t were shown to have a lower risk of prostate cancer than those who didn’t. We would add that including prostate massage (massaging the area between the balls and the anus, or internally on the prostate itself) in your love play is even better than overly focussing on ejaculation. Prostate massage helps spread sexual energy through the body rather than just releasing it through ejaculation. Having sex helps to balance your hormones, increase the blood flow, elasticity and lubrication of your vaginal walls sex is an important addition to your menopause management (whilst boosting your libido along the way).

Pain Reliever & Sleep Promoter

Got a headache? It might be a reason to actually have sex (or masturbate) rather than avoid it! Sexual stimulation has been shown to help keep pain at bay by blocking your brain’s pain signals and increasing your pain threshold. It may be the last thing you feel like when you start, but the end result can be worth it. Masturbating can be a great aid to weight loss too, getting you through that crucial moment of need…

Can’t sleep? Rather than tossing and turning start stroking your body and relaxing instead by waking up those delicious feelings in your body. Focus on breathing into them and feel the restlessness leaving. If you can’t turn your brain off imagine it filling up with cotton wool instead- it really works! Whether you orgasm or not you’ll soon be smiling and ready for sleep.

We all know this one…

Sex is also well known to be a great stress reliever. And not just because of the release of orgasm/ejaculation. The touching and hugging in sexual intimacy promotes the release of feel good hormones, reducing anxiety and promoting overall wellbeing. Sexual arousal releases feel good endorphins and other chemicals in the brain that stimulate your pleasure and reward systems. If you practice Tantric Sex, which is all about relaxation at the beginning, rather than just at the end, then filling yourself with life sustaining sexual energy, sex becomes even more stress relieving.

Studies show that those well bonded to their partners are happier and healthier. With humans being such social creatures, our close and loving connections with others boosts our overall health and wellbeing. The range of endorphins released in sex (whether by yourself or with another) act as natural anti depressants. Whilst improving your intimacy and closeness through hugging, cuddling and slow, sensual sex stimulates the release of the love hormone oxytocin, building feelings of love, trust, generosity and bonding. So whilst hot and hard may be how sex is most often portrayed, slowing down and really getting connected has even more to offer.

Look Better and Get Smarter!

Believe it or not sex can even help you look younger. In one study, judges viewed participants through a one way mirror and guessed the ages of those having sex 4 times per week as 7-12 years younger than they actually were. Sex keeps your skin younger looking, your eyes brighter and your hair shinier. So toss out the expensive beauty creams and get sexy instead!

And lastly, if you need any more convincing, sex also boosts your brainpower. Researchers specializing in human pleasure (what great career!) have determined that “Mental exercises increase brain activity but only in relatively localized regions, orgasms activates the whole”. Barry Komisaruk, PhD, Psychology, Rutgers University, US in July 2011. We see this means sex is also an opportunity to become more self aware. Using that heightened brain power to look in at yourself in your open, expanded state invites more self insight than most other life situations. This gives you permission to ditch the crosswords and Google search and go for the powers of pleasure instead!

As you can see, the benefits of sex are huge, and whilst we don’t say they outweigh the importance of a healthy lifestyle we do believe that sex plays a vital role in our overall health and happiness, whether it’s sex with your partner or with yourself…

And you’d like to learn some more ways to clear the blockages that lead to the good stuff in your relationship email us here or come along to our next event.

Jealousy: facing the green eyed monster

October 21, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

How you can turn jealousy into a gift…

Without pouring acid onto your partner’s car, throwing their belongings into the street or burning their rabbit!

Jealousy. It’s a common experience in relationships of the romantic variety, whether for a moment or a lifetime. In fact, we

assume it is almost impossible to have one without the other! Many a great book, movie or song is testament to this fact. In the early stages of relationship, before a deep level of trust has developed, or to spice things up in a flat spot, a little bit of jealousy can be a good thing. A twinge of uneasiness whilst seeing your partner across the room chatting enthusiastically to an attractive member of the opposite sex can instantly create a spurt of desire for them in yourself! But jealousy over the long term is a gut churning, painful misery, where trust and happiness seem like a distant memory. The truth is this is saying much more about YOU than your partner. Here we look at how jealousy in ourselves can be a tool for learning rather than suffering.

It is said that jealousy only hurts the one creating it, whether there is a basis of truth in the jealousy or not. Jealousy seems to thrive on the belief that those we’re jealous of are somehow happy, fulfilled, even victorious. Whilst we are left alone filled with a seething mass of unendurable, quite visceral and primal emotions. The intensity of these feelings has us constantly focussing on them, often to the exclusion of everything else. Our view of reality, driven by our out of control emotions becomes warped, making revenge seem like a reasonable response.

Here we are not attempting to excuse our partner if they’ve been behaving in an inappropriate manner, just to understand what we can do with the hurt we’re experiencing.

Although the perceptions that accompany jealousy may be distorted, the pain it gives rise to is real. The neural circuitry that underlies our psychological response to such complex social events as being accepted or rejected is the same circuitry that underlies the simplest physical pains and pleasures.

The problem with jealousy is that it isn’t just one feeling on its own, it’s a combination of several different feelings ranging from anger to envy and powerlessness. Underlying all of these is usually shame, because our partner seeking someone else often leaves us feeling like we’re missing something in ourselves. This gap is our identity crises. Our jealousy can be compounded by guilt if we we believe we’ve done something to somehow ‘deserve’ the other’s behaviour, or revenge if we believe we’re the wronged party.

Most of all jealousy feels so extremely uncomfortable we want to get rid of it in any way we can. We do this by wanting our partner to stop doing what it is that makes us jealous, or for what has happened to make us jealous not to have happened. Both these things are outside of our control so here we focus on what we can control.

We do this by breaking jealousy down into its different parts, making it easier to deal with.

Feelings

Rather than thinking your feelings get yourself grounded by feeling your feet on the earth. Use your mind to scan your body and notice what it is that you’re actually feeling. Allow it to be there, breathe through it. Yes, it can be painful, but getting a handle on it will help. Breathing helps your body feel safe and you to get more present.

Thoughts

Take a look at the thoughts that drive each feeling and see what they’re telling you:

1. Anger

Feeling Anger:

Explosive tension, heat, clenched neck & shoulders, with a strong desire to do something.

Anger related thoughts:

Healthy Anger: “I don’t like this and I want it to change”
Projected anger: “How dare you”, “You’re a bastard/bitch”, “You have no right”
Revenge (aggressive anger): “You hurt me, now I want to hurt you back”
Betrayal: “This is wrong”, “You promised me”
Possessiveness: “She/He is mine and you can’t have them
Neediness: “I am missing out on my needs being met”2

2. Fear

Feeling Fear: Frozen tension, churning in the gut, a desire to hold on to whatever you can for support.

Fear related thoughts:

Suspicion: “I can’t trust you not to hurt me”
Paranoia: “There is much more going on here than I think/know/am being told”
Envy: “The other is better than me, has something that I don’t” or “I am missing out here”
Insecurity: “I need you, for me to be OK”
Hypervigilance: “To stay in control of myself I must attempt to monitor and control you”
Loss of Control: “I cannot control what is happening”
Powerlessness: “She/He can take you away from me” or “You might leave me”
Abandonment: “I would be lost and could not cope without you”

3. Sadness

Feeling Sadness:

Heaviness, feeling weighed down, wanting to go inside yourself and have a good cry.

Sadness related thoughts:

Grief: “I have lost something that I loved or that I believed was mine” or “I have lost my fairy tale relationship”

4. Shame:

Feeling Shame:

Numbness or a desire to disappear and hide, not wanting to be seen.

Shame related thoughts:

Self-Invalidation: “This is happening because there is something wrong with me”, “I am not good enough”
Humiliation: “Others will judge me as lacking”

5. Guilt:

Feeling guilt:

Like being in an emotional straight jacket.

Guilt related thoughts:

“This is happening because I deserve it in some way”

What you can do about Jealousy:

Understand that your pain is real and that you can do something about it.

Feeling the real feelings as they exist in your body rather than in the story in your head is a great start. Breathing and feel ing through your feelings allows you to become more centred. Your feelings cannot literally hurt you, only what you do with them can. Let your hurt in at least a little bit, and allow it to open your heart. This is the gift of jealousy if we welcome it. Sounds weird but it works.

You’ll find your heart is much, much stronger than you’ve ever imagined if you trust it to care for you.

Once you’ve felt the feelings and reconnected with yourself you can address the underlying issues identified within the feelings.

This is how you take control, by being at choice in your responses

Remain connected with yourself and don’t give your power away to your ‘story’. Or to others only too willing to get in on the drama of the situation. Otherwise you’re just abandoning yourself just like your partner may have.

Check whether your suspicions real or imagined (don’t get lost in this step).

See your partner’s actions as about them, not you.

See your response as about you, not them.

Give yourself permission to release your anger in a healthy way eg. pounding pillows, dancing wildly or yelling alone in the car.

Ask yourself:

Is there anything you are avoiding in yourself by giving jealousy its head?
Is your partner giving you a not so subtle message that you’ve become emotionally unavailable to to them? Without making yourself responsible for your partner’s behaviour can you own your part in this?
Are there old, unreleased hurts that are being triggered for healing? Feel them.
Are you feeling a need to control or possess your partner? Where are you feeling out of control or incomplete in yourself?
If you find yourself envying ‘the other’ find the gold in yourself that you’re projecting onto them, turning ‘them’ into a gift for yourself.
Are you clearly asking for your healthy relationship needs to be met?
Are you giving yourself permission to have fun and create abundance in your own life?
Can you go underneath your fear, shame and abandonment and find the part of you that is enough?

Talk to your partner:

Own and express your concerns with your partner. Really listen to their response.
Discuss your relationship agreements about acceptable behaviour around others. If you don’t have any, create some.
If your partner is treating you poorly set a healthy boundary for yourself about how you would like to be treated.
If your fears are unfounded own your own jealousy and what strategies you’re putting in place to deal with it. To be jealous is human, to own and deal with it is divine.

To counteract any shame or humiliation find ways to nurture and love yourself, giving yourself the attention you deserve.

If your partner is known to be repeatedly straying outside your relationship and not owning it, or being willing to work with you to heal it it’s different. If you’ve done your own work face the fact that they are unlikely to change and do yourself a favour by moving on. This can be the biggest lesson of all. Otherwise what is this saying to you?

Don’t make jealousy wrong

The vital thing with jealousy is to feel it, and the vulnerability it brings without making it wrong. Take a breath into your jealousy and welcome it in. For if you let it it will open your heart more deeply to parts of yourself you haven’t known before, because jealousy is a powerful heart opener and teacher. See that your jealousy driven stories don’t need to be true.

Know you can be enough in yourself in any circumstances, if you give yourself permission to believe it.

Instant Beauty: Get it Here!

October 1, 2016 By admin 2 Comments

How Can You Look and Feel More Beautiful?

By Recognizing More of What Lies within You!

After one of our Power of Yoni Workshops a group of participants headed out to a local restaurant to celebrate 4 days of empowering self love, nurturing and discovering pleasure. It so happened the local race meeting was on the same day and the bistro was full of very glammed up ladies who could easily have won “Lady of the Day”. Surprisingly, it was obvious that however glamorous their exteriors were they couldn’t compare with our gorgeous Goddesses who were spilling over with a glow and a vitality from deep within, making them beautiful both inside AND out!

This difference raises the point, what are we actually doing when we simply focus on (or obsess about) our external appearance? Focussing on our outsides rather than accessing and accepting our beauty that comes from within? A beauty that can only enhance the best outfit and beauty routine whilst giving us confidence to burn? I believe what we’re doing is actually abandoning ourselves, or at least abandoning the little girl inside of us that longs for love and acceptance…no matter what age we are…

Read on for ways to connect with our inner beauty and bring our little girl in out of the cold…

Challenges to Looking Good

When it comes to looking good (and loving and approving of ourselves in the process) I‘ve noticed that we as women come up against 4 main challenges:

Every time we look in the mirror we’re holding our own image up against the ones we carry in our minds, of the impossibly perfect (and unreal) body images displayed in almost every advert we see, magazine we pick up, dress shop we look into and movie we watch.

We face a vast array of publications with articles screaming about how we can “improve” ourselves. Treatments including everything from weight loss programs, breast enhancements to genital reductions. Not to mention enough products to cover ourselves from the hair on our head to the toenails on our feet. All aimed at telling us we’re less than perfect so we will buy, buy,buy!

A lifetime of conditioning telling us how we “should” be, what rules we need to follow and what good girls do and bad girls don’t do in order to be approved of, accepted and loved that doesn’t leave us now matter how old we are, unless we let it go.

And finally there is the shadow in our sisterhood, which receives unending satisfaction from us putting ourselves, or our potential female competition down, and giving us the sympathy vote in return for our “insult-athons” on our bodies.

We Hate Ourselves Too Often

As a result, several surveys report that over 91% of women have regular days of “hating their bodies”. It seems as if when things aren’t going right in our world, if we’re unsatisfied in our relationships or our jobs, if we’re having uncomfortable emotions such as stress, loneliness and boredom we’re more likely to criticize our bodies than deal with what is actually behind our dissatisfaction or negative feelings. So how we perceive we look is based more on how we “feel”, rather than the physical reality of how we “look”. When we perceive ourselves negatively we abandon the little girl inside of us that longs to be loved for who she is…

Have you ever looked into the mirror and judged yourself as looking that supposed worst of all body sins, “really fat”? Only to have something good happen in your life and then catch yourself looking in that very same mirror shortly after thinking you look “pretty fabulous”? Where nothing has changed except your perception?

Even more interestingly, have you noticed how much pleasure you feel when you’re body shaming yourself vs when you’re feeling beautiful and appreciated?

Neuroscience has shown that whatever you focus on shapes your brain. So if you focus on how defective your body looks it actually translates into a numbing down of how it feels. And the opposite is true, if you focus on how wonderful your body is, so it will become!

How to find Instant Beauty:

Make a radical choice to think and do things differently.

You’re as beautiful as you tell yourself you are, so tell yourself you’re beautiful often!
If someone else tells you that you’re beautiful, let it in and say thankyou!
Find one thing to appreciate about what your body can DO each day, taking the focus off just how it looks. Put your full attention on this body part and stroke it for a moment with love, baby!
Notice something you find beautiful about the women around you and tell them. Drop the need to compete and see yourselves simply as a reflection of each other. (You may want to omit the stroking part unless you know each other very well!)
Use beauty products with the mindset of enhancing the beauty that is already there, rather than fixing any problems.
Avoid participating in body shaming conversations, even choose to express something you like about your body instead.
See the abundance of treatments and products as a money making device for those making money from them, not necessarily something that you need.
Dress with the primary aim of expressing and feeling good about yourself rather than trying to fit in with the latest fashion.
Avoid trying to “fix” yourself. Instead, do things for their enjoyment value. Find an exercise that you love and it will be a joy rather than a chore.
See your body as your temple and choose to nurture it by attending to its needs as a good servant would do for its master.
Follow this link and listen to our Self Loving Meditation.
Do 3 pc squeeze and releases (pelvic floor contractions) then take a deep breath, enjoy the feeling. Do this often.
Learn to feel more pleasure and you won’t care how you look because you’ll feel so great! And consequently you’ll look more beautiful as a result of your inner glow…

So if you’re looking for even more ways to get your inner glow on and love yourself from the inside all the way out click here for details of Annette’s upcoming workshop just for women the Power Of Yoni Nov 10-14 2016. Contact her for a chat to see how this workshop might work for you!

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