Oztantra Blog – Love Sex & Passionate Relationships

Kissing: The benefits will surprise you!

October 5, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

If you’ve been with your partner a while and kissing has taken a back seat in your loveplay…

We hope we can inspire you to pucker up your lips for a good smooching!

Remember those hours in the back seat of the car or some other hidden place as teenagers when the powerful feelings elicited by just kissing would feed your mind and body for days?

In the rush to get to the more overt moves available to us as adults in lovemaking we can forget the power of the beginning steps, and this is especially true of kissing.

Here are a few great reasons to get those lips moving:

Kissing makes your hormones react!

Kissing triggers your brain’s pleasure centres to release a cocktail of chemicals that leave you feeling ‘oh so good!’ These chemicals include oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin, which make you feel euphoric and encourage feelings of affection and help you bond with your partner.

The rush of oxytocin (the chemical linked to pair bonding) released when you kiss causes feelings of affection and attachment, especially important in long-term relationships.

In addition to boosting your happy hormones, kissing can reduce your cortisol levels — potentially reducing your stress levels and improving your feelings of self-worth. Kissing and other affectionate communication, like hugging and saying “I love you,” impact the physiological processes related to stress management and helps keep us calm. This is definitely enough reason alone to bring kissing back!

And surprising pathways open

Kissing increases your heart rate in a way that dilates your blood vessels. Increasing your blood flow in this way decreases in your blood pressure, meaning that kissing is good for the heart, literally and metaphorically. Blood vessel dilation can also help relieve headaches and menstrual cramps. So along with the boost that occurs in your feel good chemicals, kissing at these unlikely times might actually be good for you.

Romantic kissing leads to sexual arousal and is often the driving force behind your woman’s decision to have sex. The longer and more passionately you kiss, the more testosterone (one of the body’s sex hormones) gets released and the more aroused you can both become.

Kissing affects the muscles at the other end of a woman’s body too. Kissing helps her vaginal muscles relax, allowing her to become open and receptive. In fact, early midwives used to encourage husbands to snog their wives to assist in bringing reluctant babies into the world!

Kissing can also give you a facelift!

The act of kissing can involve anywhere from 2 to 34 facial muscles. Kissing often and using these muscles on the regular acts like a workout for your face and can also increase your collagen production, which contributes to firmer, younger-looking skin. That sounds like the best kind of facelift out!

So what is the best way to kiss?

Start with good oral hygiene. Kissing someone with a freshly cleaned mouth is much nicer than trying to dodge their bad breath. Use a breath mint or mouthwash if this is an issue for you. Better safe then sorry. (It you generally have good oral hygiene this is not so much of an issue, unless you’re a smoker, have a dry mouth or you’ve recently eaten something like garlic or onions).

Give kissing your total attention, rather than using it as a lead-in to what’s next. It can be a lead-in of course, but not if your head is somewhere else.

Start by looking your partner in the eye as you approach them, letting them know with your eyes how much you would like to kiss them and how good it’s going to feel for both of you.

Start tender and slow, slow.

Hold the side of their chin and stroke the opposite side of their face once or twice before honing in on their lips, as this helps their mind turn off and their body turn on.

Lick and tease their lips before moving in for the full on pash.

Give yourself permission to imagine the desire you want feel beginning in your own mouth, moving down into your body, for where your mind goes your energy follows.

Vary your moves and rhythm (but if it’s really working don’t change too quickly).

Allow one person then the other to lead the kiss, as we all love to be wanted.

Nibble top or/and bottom lips.

Remember to breathe as this helps spread the passion through your bodies.

Imagine the tingling of your genitals arising up into your mouth. You can enhance what you’re feeling by doing a few pc (pelvic floor) squeeze and releases as this further awakens your sexual pleasure.

Stroke your lover’s lips, teeth and tongue with your tongue.

Leave full on deep throat until the moment the passion’s rising and you’re both really getting in to it – for too much too soon (and too much too often) is a definite put-off. Think of deep tongue as your secret weapon and bring it out only when the moment is right- then it’s like- wow!

Try one person giving the kiss and the other keeping their mouth still and receptive, this can be totally divine. The giver takes their time to fully explore the other’s mouth, lips and tongue, with a little more face caressing for good measure. Don’t be afraid to let yourself receive in this way. It can feel so good to let go of control and be in the moment.

Tease and taste it all!

If you have resistance to kissing, or to being kissed, without making this wrong explore it.

Literally feel the resistance in your body, where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Breathe for a few moments here.

Avoid mentally thinking the answer and let your body surprise you with one.

Perhaps your heart is closed from past hurt?

You might have fear of opening up and getting closer?

You might need to talk about what your resistance means for you before going further.
And remember if your partner has resistance it’s about them, don’t make it about you and get in the way of their exploration, you might learn something you can work with.

If you discover things that are difficult to sort out don’t hesitate to give Annette or Graeme and call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here.

Even better you might like to attend our upcoming weekend workshop, Sexuality of the Heart, where we explore all things intimate in a safe and respectful but fun way.

Fearing Loss of Attraction

August 16, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are you fearing loss of attraction for your partner means your relationship is over?

Does this loss of attraction make it hard to find a spark of desire when they move towards you?

Attraction is that luminous and exciting feeling that lifts you out of your ordinary every day self and draws you mysteriously towards your partner as if they, and only they, can fill your deepest desires.

Yet over time feelings of attraction in a relationship often wane, and this loss of attraction leaves people fearing they’re no longer in love. Graeme and Annette have been in this place, questioning the value of their relationship many times over the years.

Our minds try to find a solution

They found that our logical minds will come up with some obvious reasons as to why this attraction is no longer present.

You might see that your partner has put on weight, no longer puts effort into their appearance or has become lazy around the house. Perhaps they seem resentful around you all the time and spend hours looking at their phone, tv or computer screen instead of being with you. They might no longer have any real desire in their lovemaking and it’s become pretty mechanical and unsatisfying. Passion has become a thing of the past and talking about it seems impossible. Erections and orgasms are no longer a certainty.

You assume this is the reason for your loss of attraction.

You then fear that if you’re no longer attracted to them the reason must be that you’re no longer in love.

We fear a loss of attraction when our bodies no longer perform

For often our sexual problems are the body’s way of communicating messages to us that cannot yet be put into words or understood. Symptoms- emotional, psychological and sexual are your hearts way of getting you to look more deeply at your underlying truth. Your body will no longer allow you to deceive yourself.

We’ve found that our mental assumptions are usually a distraction from what is actually going on under the surface and looking a bit deeper will give you answers you can do something about. Answers that will allow you to reach mutual understanding and empathy, re igniting the spark of both attraction and love in ways that can surprise you, making your loss of attraction a thing of the past.

Take Paul and Susan for example

The chemistry between them was obvious in the early years of their marriage. Recently though, Paul has been unable to sustain, or even gain an erection and when he does sex is a hurried affair in order to ‘get to the end’ before his arousal wanes. This approach leaves Susan feeling unattractive, rejected and deprived and causes her to question their relationship. Also, Paul’s regular criticism of her weight gain has left her self-esteem in tatters. Paul saw Susan’s weight as the reason he was no longer interested in her. Both were left believing that their attraction for each other had ended and that love had died.

Trouble was brewing

Susan then had a one night stand to prove to herself she was still attractive, and as a cry for help in her relationship with Paul. Paul was hurt, angry and even less able to make love with Susan now he saw her as ‘cheap’; and he found her regained self confidence daunting.

Paul and Susan had trouble talking about their situation and conversations soon erupted into blame and arguing. They were unable to hear each other through the judgements, assumptions and interpretations they made were making about each other, as well as from their fears of their own hurt.

Support helped them find a way though

With support Paul and Susan were able to see the impact these behaviours were having on each other. They learned to stay present long enough to hear each other’s experiences fully and regain some empathy.

Susan expressed her shame and self judgment about her affair, and how it had pained her to hurt Paul so deeply. Paul was able to feel Susan’s pain and this then allowed his own heart to soften. He was able to express his feelings of sexual inadequacy after her hot night with another man, and his fears about satisfying this newly confident woman. Susan was able to make it clear to Paul that it was really great lovemaking with him and all he meant to her she wanted, rather than sex with a stranger.

Susan was also able to express to Paul how much his past criticism of her appearance had shut her down emotionally and sexually. Paul was then able to see that his criticism had been an outlet for his own self judgment from a flare up with his mother that he’d had difficulty in dealing with.

Both attraction and passion were restored

As a result of looking under the surface for their hearts messages and meeting in vulnerability Paul and Susan found their passion and desire for each other surprisingly renewed, and problems with orgasms and erections magically disappeared.

So, if you’re having fears about your level of attraction to your partner and the lack of desire you’re feeling as a result, don’t get caught in your mind’s assumption about what is happening.

Trust that what is happening in your bodies is a sign post to the answer rather than an insurmountable problem.

And go a little deeper into the truth that lies in your heart.

As has happened for Annette and Graeme time and again, inside a loss of attraction amazing solutions can be revealed.

For support in looking under the surface of your situation contact Annette & Graeme today, as statistically the longer you leave it the greater the risk to your relationship and it doesn’t have to be this way.

How Tantra Prevents Boredom in the Bedroom

August 2, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

If you’re in a long term relationship you will have faced the age old question of “how do we prevent boredom in the bedroom”?

You might have tried to spice things up with some lingerie, sex toys, role plays, even a little BDSM…

But sooner or later the boredom in the bedroom creeps back in leaving you feeling you’re back at square one.

Being in a long term relationship takes skill, commitment, focus and work and often the pay off can seem too far away, or not enough to justify the effort.

Heart connected sex

Yet, time and time again, we have seen couples from the very beginning of introducing tantric relationship skills totally transform both their sex lives and their intimate loving connection. Sex becomes loving, fulfilling and creative, leaving couples with a bond strong enough to survive any temporary boredom in the bedroom.

What are the Tantric skills of which we speak?

They are:

Ownership of our sexuality as a beautiful thing
Being in the here and now, rather than in agenda
Being embodied (aware of the internal experience our bodies are having)
Being authentic (what we show on the outside matches what we’re experiencing within)
A willingness to be vulnerable and allow our partner in to us (in-to-me-see)
Being connected with our hearts and its qualities of love, courage, trust, humility, generosity and compassion
A willingness to take responsibility for our thoughts, emotions, words and actions
A willingness to be a co creator in manifesting our desires
Awareness of our sexual pleasure as energy and moving between moments of building energy and moments of allowing it to flow
Using breath to both move and expand pleasure; and to change our physical, emotional and mental states
Being open to the mystery that lies within us.

Tantra benefits all

A successful relationship that is nurturing, loving and sustainable has mastered their heart connected sex lives together as its life blood.

The power of this transformation automatically flows into all other aspects of their lives as well.

Couples with children who have introduced tantric skills demonstrate healthy and loving role models for them. What a gift this is for any child! Imagine how it would have been in your own life, to have had role this modelled for you.

And someone who is present, embodied, emotionally intelligent, heart connected, self aware and empowered will go a long way to creating what they want in life.

Tantra is spiritual sexuality

We are all born into this world as spiritual sexual beings.

We are this way until we’re conditioned out of it by those around us who misunderstand and fear its truth.

Those choosing to learn tantric practices are actually reconnecting with this spiritual sexual part of themselves and deepening it. Tantra is not a cult or dogma and even those who are not ‘into spirituality’ find their own understanding and gifts for themselves within it, with most finding that it just makes sense to live this way.

Much of learning tantra in your relationship is about removing your blockages than learning complex tantric techniques. Remove the blockages and move walls out of the way and not only will your boredom in the bedroom resolve, you will revert to more of your natural state as sexual spiritual beings.

Tantra is connection to ourselves as well as to each other

Tantric techniques and understandings also offer pathways for our equally strong need for independence and sense of self in relationship. In fact, it will create a healthy and active environment for the intimacy and autonomy required for ongoing desire and passion in your relationship over the years.

Your own journey into your true personal depth and being really comfortable in your skin is much easier to achieve and sustain in a committed relationship. “Easier” doesn’t actually mean that it is easy to do, it’s more that your personal stuff is more accessible…ie. your emotional buttons get pushed easier for you to see and heal. And because you’re working with your partner in a vital, intimate and loving environment where tantric skills really impact.

As Osho said, “ you can live on your own in a cave and meditate for years, but your journey of discovery about yourself commences when some one moves into that cave with you and tells you clean your shit up…”

We’ve been there too

Both Annette & Graeme have experienced the highs and lows of relationship, from divorce right through to self exploration and the heights of tantra. What we bring in is experience, knowing and understanding as teachers who specialise in relationship sexuality, especially for people in mainstream relationships.

Partners in long term relationships have reached an understanding and posses a knowing about themselves and each other that requires a different level of skill and commitment from professionals who choose to work with them. We have developed techniques that will meet a couple where they are at, regardless of how conservative they may be.

When we are working with people our focus is on the experience, as this is where the understanding and techniques drop in very easily. We don’t require complex special techniques or language, in fact it is quite the opposite, the more simple and practical the better. For here the mind can relax and the feelings arise.

At Oztantra, this healthy environment is our focus in all aspects of our work with couples. It is that important; and when introduced in a grounded and connected way totally life changing.

To being a little Tantra into your life and end boredom in the bedroom forever try one our our Couples Retreats

Couples Retreat Bali, Ecstasy and Intimacy

Or if you have other questions contact us here.

Letting Go Of The Fairy Tale…

July 5, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’ll show you how letting go of the fantasy of happy ever after in your relationship

Can be the best thing that ever happened to it!

Despite how modern we’ve become, unless we’ve turned fashionably cynical, most of us still carry in our minds the old-fashioned idea of the perfect fairy tale relationship that’s happy-ever-after.

It looks a unique way for each of us but it has the same flavour of effortlessness.

We come to a relationship believing that if we find the right person, claim ownership of them, then set up house and have a family, we’ll somehow smoothly grow old together into our twilight years…all the way to a shared burial plot.

Holding onto this childish fantasy makes us lazy.

We take our relationship, our partners and even love itself for granted, making them our last priority instead of our first.

It’s like we believe that once we’re in a relationship, everything will magically be OK because we love each other.

We do the same with our sex lives, believing they should just happen spontaneously.

Yearning for this impossible mental picture drains our energy and attraction for what’s real, causing us to, consciously or unconsciously, demean what we have or look around for something better.

But real-life relationships don’t have to be less than perfect.

They can actually be better than we’ve ever imagined – literally beyond our wildest dreams!

Having an ideal fantasy makes the future seem safe and comforting, because we assume it’s certain.

Yet it’s as if we’re saying to life, “I know what’s coming, I know what to do and I don’t need any help.”

We close ourselves off to the vast potential of life that’s so much more than our minds could plan.

We keep trusting in the fantasy, rather than in ourselves and in love.

How about trusting in what’s real instead?

Falling in love with what’s here and now,

and with not needing to know

opens us up to the magic of what lies beyond us.

What do we mean by magic?

Magic is things that happen mysteriously and are impossible to explain or understand.

This magic could be newness, surprise, chance, serendipity or merely coincidence but it adds interest, and even enchantment into our relationships.

It can also refer to the surprising changes that occur from putting in some hard work and commitment.

Trusting in love means we don’t need the safety of knowing the end result, we know that what we most desire lives on the other side of fear and certainty.

Trusting that each step we take in the here and now creates the next step, and the next. And that each step creates our future.

What is it that you’re putting into your relationship right here and now?

Openness, energy, desire, honesty, curiosity, creativity, playfulness, vulnerability, courage, humility or love?

For ways to move from fairy tale to real and lasting love join us for one of our Couples Retreats.

Activity: Letting Go Of The Fairy Tale

Recognize and be willing to grieve the loss of your idealized fantasy relationship. For relationship to last your childlike ideals must die in the face of reality so that what is genuine, authentic and magical way beyond anything your limited mind will come up with can grow. Take a breath, relax, nothing is wrong here.

Together or separately write all your dreams of perfection down on a piece of paper. The more you come up with the better. This might bring some fear and quite deep sadness, depending on how attached you’ve been to your fantasy, know this is healthy. Just let yourself have a good cry if you need to.
Light a candle in a safe place and burn your paper.
Imagine leaving these limitations safely behind you with a fresh new page appearing for you to create on.

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