Relationship Counselling Specialists

OZ tantra

  • About
    • About Graeme Sudholz
    • About Annette Baulch
  • Relationship Counselling
    • Coming Together Book: Solving The Mystery of Intimate Sex and Relationship
    • Hot Relationship Topics
    • Relationship Counselling
      • Couples Ultimate Getaways Byron Bay
      • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
      • Oztantra V.I.P
      • Healing trauma in Banks Creek
    • Online Relationship Counselling
  • Sex
    • Coming Together Book Contents
    • Hot Sex Topics
    • Sex Counselling
    • Sexual Healing
      • Healing Sexual Abuse
      • Yoni Healing for Women
      • Lingam Healing
      • Beat Your Porn Addiction With Tantra
      • Sexual Surrogacy
    • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like?
      • Tantric Coaching online
      • Couples Tantra Sessions
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Women
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Men
    • What Is Tantra?
    • How Tantra Prevents Boredom in the Bedroom…
    • Preventing Premature Ejaculation
      • Multi Orgasmic Man
      • Tantric Sex for Men – Podcasts
    • Gspot
  • Events
    • Couples Ultimate Getaways Byron Bay
    • Workshop Schedule
    • Retreats
      • Ecstasy and Intimacy Couples Retreat Bali
      • Couples Retreat Australia Ecstasy & Intimacy
      • Couples Retreat Gold Coast
      • Private Couples Retreats
    • Weekend Workshops
      • Power of Yoni – Explore the essence of who you are as a woman
      • Sexuality of the Heart
    • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
    • Oztantra V.I.P
  • Blogs
    • Oztantra Blog
    • Previous Blog Posts
    • Videos
    • Tantric Lover Podcasts
  • Contact
    • Contact Us – Annette and Graeme at Oz Tantra
      • Oztantra Media
You are here: Home / Oztantra Blog

The Missing Link to your Passion: Open Hearted Anger

November 15, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Anger is energy.

The energy of change.

It is the source of your power and passion.

It happens low down in the belly where your sexuality lies.

Deny, avoid, repress one and you do the same to the other.

The first question we ask couples who are missing the passion in their relationships is “What do you do with your anger?”

With passion comes desire.

The biggest changes across the world started with someone getting angry enough to DO something.

So if you’re wanting to find more sexual desire look at what you’re doing with your anger.

When we talk about anger we are NOT talking about aggression (even though they are often assumed to go together).

Anger is simply a feeling of “I don’t like this”. 

Aggression is closed hearted anger expressed through “I’m going to make YOU pay for my anger through abuse or violence!”

More relationships break down from a lack of anger rather than too much of it. (Though living in too much unhealthy anger can be traumatising.)

 

It is appropriate to feel angry when you have been violated, had your boundaries crossed, not been treated with respect, been lied to or betrayed.When you make your anger wrong you make yourself wrong at a very deep level. Anger helps empower us to make changes, to stand up for ourselves and others, to express what we need to reinstate our sovereignty.

 

It is inappropriate when it is used as an avoidance of fear or embarrassment or when it is based in self deception, projection or when we dump it on those closest to us rather than dealing with it where it belongs.

 

We shut down our capacity to feel anger to allow us to handle difficult experiences but in shutting ourselves down we fragment ourselves and lose touch with who we are. Shut down anger is literally a powder keg in our bodies ready to burst out again or to manifest in disease.

Our anger can instead be a great source of personal power, energy, a pathway to clarity and inner wisdom.

Suppression of our anger does not mean freedom from it, it merely builds up in our system, making our bodies tense and uptight.

Signs of unexpressed anger are:

  • Tightness in the shoulders and back of the neck
  • Headaches, especially at the back of the head
  • Tight or sore jaw muscles
  • Clenching of jaws or night time grinding of teeth
  • Crawling or itching sensations or tightness in the upper back and arms
  • Outbursts at inappropriate timesCouple arguing
  • Picking at finger nails
  • Excessive chewing of gum
  • Smoking and drinking
  • Irritability, lack of patience, tolerance and understanding
  • Self criticism or self hatred
  • Feeling stuck, blocked, hopeless or victimised
  • And most importantly in relationship is a lack of passion

Side effects of unfelt or unexpressed anger include:

  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Self criticism and worthlessness
  • Poor self image
  • Self hatred
  • HopelessnessCrying woman
  • Poor sleep
  • Illness- high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, arthritis to name a few
  • Headaches
  • Relationship breakdowns
  • Depression
  • Addictions
  • Accidents
  • Bitterness, cynicism
  • Not getting what we want

 

If we withhold our anger we then withdraw from the person making us angry, we collapse into disappointment or become resentful.

We then act out our anger covertly through:

Attacking Behaviours- (which we often regret later and shut ourselves down even further)

  • Blaming
  • Accusations
  • Criticism
  • Sarcasm
  • Shouting, swearingMan fears loss of attraction to his partner
  • Generalisations
  • Dismissive comments or gestures
  • Meanness
  • Sharp or abrupt comments
  • Cold shouldering
  • Carelessness, accidents, lateness
  • Refusing to co-operate

Defensive Behaviours-

  • Being quiet, playing small
  • Being overly pleasing
  • Excessive apologising
  • WithdrawalNo oral sex orgasm
  • Excuse making
  • Excessive justification/explanation

Your first level of obligation is to express your anger so that it does not damage you.

Your second is to express what you want to say to the person you feel angry about, or to do what you want about the situation.

If you cannot express your anger to the person involved find a safe way to express it to yourself.

True forgiveness happens when the energy of anger is released from the physical body and we take responsibility for the lesson we have to learn in it. When this is done there is nothing to forgive.

Steps to open hearted expression of your anger:dancing woman

  1. Make your anger OK.
  2. Breathe your way through the physical sensations of your anger and feel them releasing.
  3. If your anger is too big, or even overwhelming for this, do something about it to move the energy through your body such as shaking, jumping, dancing, exercising.
  4. Give voice to what you want to say, express it without censoring, just get it out!
  5. Find the emotion underlying the anger, for as powerful as it is, anger is often a secondary emotion. Commonly what we find inside anger is sadness, which helps open our hearts. It can be any emotion we want to avoid.
  6. If needed, then speak to the person concerned. Be clear, direct, specific and stick to the point. Focus on what is happening for you, use ‘I statements’. Go for a win-win outcome if possible. Focus on hearing yourself rather than attaching to any particular outcome. And on what you do want, not on what you don’t. Avoid bringing up the past. Check out any assumptions you’re making.Oztantric intimacy
  7. Be willing to listen too.
  8. Enjoy the increased desire that flows in the bedroom that arises from the freeing up of your sexual energy.

Nb. If anger remains a constant in your relationship that gets nowhere, or is leading to aggression you need to look more deeply at what is going on for you and seek professional support. Preferably from someone who doesn’t make your anger wrong.

Have a discussion about where anger currently fits in your relationship. Decide whether you would like to make a safe place for open hearted anger and reap the benefits of  increased personal power, self and partner respect and passion.

For support in learning to be healthy in your anger without closing your heart email us here or call 1800 TANTRA.

 

 

Is fear keeping you from what you’re most longing for?

October 23, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

In your relationship fear might be keeping you from:

Feeling a greater connection to, or more love from the person you’re with.

Or even more freedom in loving them.

Perhaps you long for more love or pleasure in the bedroom but you’re too scared to bring the subject up.

Most of the things we truly long for live on the other side of fear.

This place of fear was certainly true for a lovely couple who came to see us recently. But they were both able to reach inside themselves and find the place that courage lives. Now they’re reaping benefits that had been unimaginable just a few days ago.

So what if it was actually true?

That it was only your fear that was keeping you from what you most want.

If so, there IS something you can do about it.

Fear.

What does this word bring up in you?

Perhaps familiar butterflies in your stomach, a slight nausea, a crippling anxiety or possibly a deep-seated terror?

Or you might have no bodily response at all, just a mild interest in the idea.

Whatever your response is to fear you can be sure it lurks in at least a part of what’s keeping you from more of what you’re longing for.Relationship is being real with each other

Surprisingly, it’s probably not that your partner is insensitive, uncaring, selfish or uninterested.

It’s just as likely your fear is not allowing you to let them see you fully.

It seems easier, and safer, to stay behind your fears and not give them voice.

To see the situation as your partners fault.

To view your fear as your being weak, cowardly and something to be ashamed of.

Or as something too big for you to control.

What actually IS fear?

We see fear as emotional energy in your body.

Seeing feelings as energy in motionAn energy that we have a choice over how to deal with it.

Commonly we attach fear based thoughts to our fears and give them much greater power than they deserve.

Fear is part of being human and there is nothing wrong with you if you’re experiencing it.

 

In fact, fear in your body is the same thing as excitement.

You might remember the early times in your relationship, or even the ones way back in your teenage years where your fear almost felt like excitement, swinging wildly between the two in a way that was intoxicating…

The only difference is in how we manage this energy (and the stress hormones that arise along with it) in our bodies.

Tantra is freedom

In excitement we keep breathing and tell ourselves something good is going to happen.

man in mask

 

In fear we shallow our breath (or even stop breathing) and tell ourselves something bad is about to happen.

 

 

What can you do about your fear so that it no longer limits you?

  1. Understand that fear is energy in your body, one that you have control over.
  2. Come into the present moment and ask yourself if you’re in actual physical danger (which is quite rare for most of us, most of the time)? If yes, do what you need to find safety.
  3. Identify the signs of fear in your body- tension, butterflies, tingling, nausea, cold, sweating, feeling unsafe.
  4. Acknowledge them, and make them ok.
  5. Take some slow, deep breaths, imagining your body being strongly supported by the earth below you. If your body knows it has room to breathe, it knows that it is safe.
  6. If you’re in a high state of fear look closely at the palm of your hand and let it’s realness ground you.
  7. Notice the thoughts you’re choosing about your fear and whether they’re accelerating or decreasing it eg. An accelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me or taking any interest in what I’m trying to do or say and this means they don’t love me”. A decelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me, maybe they’re just tired and I’ll get curious and ask them”.
  8. Soothe yourself by choosing only thoughts that do the latter. This doesn’t mean living in a fairytale and imagining everything is wonderful but making some realistic choices. Feel your body responding to increased breathe and soothing thoughts.
  9. Once you have your fear under control do whatever it is you’ve been afraid to:
  • Tell your partner what’s in your heart
  • Get curious, rather than judgmental about their response, you might learn something
  • Do something for them even if it’s challenging for you, especially something they’ve been wanting from you
  • Have a conversation about sex, begin gently with some positive comments and own your concerns as yours and be open to what you might discover.

With any of these steps you’re not necessarily assured of a successful outcome.

But you definitely WILL benefit from the courage you find in yourself to make these steps happen and who knows what is possible on the other side of fear- it’s where most of the really good things in life live.

If you’re looking to take further steps to create more of what you’re longing for in your relationship why not join us for our upcoming weekend workshop Nov 9-11?

 

 

Kissing: The benefits will surprise you!

October 5, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

If you’ve been with your partner a while and kissing has taken a back seat in your loveplay…

We hope we can inspire you to pucker up your lips for a good smooching!

Couple Kissing

Remember those hours in the back seat of the car or some other hidden place as teenagers when the powerful feelings elicited by just kissing would feed your mind and body for days?

In the rush to get to the more overt moves available to us as adults in lovemaking we can forget the power of the beginning steps, and this is especially true of kissing.

Here are a few great reasons to get those lips moving:

Kissing makes your hormones react!

Kissing triggers your brain’s pleasure centres to release a cocktail of chemicals that leave you feeling ‘oh so good!’  These chemicals include oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin, which make you feel euphoric and encourage feelings of affection and help you bond with your partner.Couple kissing

The rush of oxytocin (the chemical linked to pair bonding) released when you kiss causes feelings of affection and attachment, especially important in long-term relationships.

In addition to boosting your happy hormones, kissing can reduce your cortisol levels — potentially reducing your stress levels and improving your feelings of self-worth. Kissing and other affectionate communication, like hugging and saying “I love you,” impact the physiological processes related to stress management and helps keep us calm. This is definitely enough reason alone to bring kissing back!

And surprising pathways open

Kissing increases your heart rate in a way that dilates your blood vessels. Increasing your blood flow in this way decreases in your blood pressure, meaning that kissing is good for the heart, literally and metaphorically. Blood vessel dilation can also help relieve headaches and menstrual cramps. So along with the boost that occurs in your feel good chemicals, kissing at these unlikely times might actually be good for you.

Romantic kissing leads to sexual arousal and is often the driving force behind your woman’s decision to have sex. The longer and more passionately you kiss, the more testosterone (one of the body’s sex hormones) gets released and the more aroused you can both become.

Kissing affects the muscles at the other end of a woman’s body too. Kissing helps her vaginal muscles relax, allowing her to become open and receptive. In fact, early midwives used to encourage husbands to snog their wives to assist in bringing reluctant babies into the world!

Kissing can also give you a facelift!

The act of kissing can involve anywhere from 2 to 34 facial muscles. Kissing often and using these muscles on the regular acts like a workout for your face and can also increase your collagen production, which contributes to firmer, younger-looking skin. That sounds like the best kind of facelift out!

So what is the best way to kiss?

Start with good oral hygiene. Kissing someone with a freshly cleaned mouth is much nicer than trying to dodge their bad breath. Use a breath mint or mouthwash if this is an issue for you. Better safe then sorry. (It you generally have good oral hygiene this is not so much of an issue, unless you’re a smoker, have a dry mouth or you’ve recently eaten something like garlic or onions).

Give kissing your total attention, rather than using it as a lead-in to what’s next. It can be a lead-in of course, but not if your head is somewhere else.

Start by looking your partner in the eye as you approach them, letting them know with your eyes how much you would like to kiss them and how good it’s going to feel for both of you.

Start tender and slow, slow.

Hold the side of their chin and stroke the opposite side of their face once or twice before honing in on their lips, as this helps their mind turn off and their body turn on.

Lick and tease their lips before moving in for the full on pash.

Give yourself permission to imagine the desire you want feel beginning in your own mouth, moving down into your body, for where your mind goes your energy follows.

Vary your moves and rhythm (but if it’s really working don’t change too quickly).

Allow one person then the other to lead the kiss, as we all love to be wanted.

Nibble top or/and bottom lips.

Remember to breathe as this helps spread the passion through your bodies.

Imagine the tingling of your genitals arising up into your mouth. You can enhance what you’re feeling by doing a few pc (pelvic floor) squeeze and  releases as this further awakens your sexual pleasure.

Stroke your lover’s lips, teeth and tongue with your tongue.

Leave full on deep throat until the moment the passion’s rising and you’re both really getting in to it – for too much too soon (and too much too often) is a definite put-off. Think of deep tongue as your secret weapon and bring it out only when the moment is right- then it’s like- wow!

Try one person giving the kiss and the other keeping their mouth still and receptive, this can be totally divine. The giver takes their time to fully explore the other’s mouth, lips and tongue, with a little more face caressing for good measure. Don’t be afraid to let yourself receive in this way. It can feel so good to let go of control and be in the moment.

Tease and taste it all!

If you have resistance to kissing, or to being kissed, without making this wrong explore it.

Literally feel the resistance in your body, where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Breathe for a few moments here.

Avoid mentally thinking the answer and let your body surprise you with one.

Perhaps your heart is closed from past hurt?

You might have fear of opening up and getting closer?

You might need to talk about what your resistance means for you before going further.
And remember if your partner has resistance it’s about them, don’t make it about you and get in the way of their exploration, you might learn something you can work with.

If you discover things that are difficult to sort out don’t hesitate to give Annette or Graeme and call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here.

Even better you might like to attend our upcoming weekend workshop, Sexuality of the Heart, where we explore all things intimate in a safe and respectful but fun way.

 

 

Fearing Loss of Attraction

August 16, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are you fearing loss of attraction for your partner means your relationship is over?

Does this loss of attraction make it hard to find a spark of desire when they move towards you?

Attraction is that luminous and exciting feeling that lifts you out of your ordinary every day self and draws you mysteriously towards your partner as if they, and only they, can fill your deepest desires.Man fearing loss of attraction to his partner

Yet over time feelings of attraction in a relationship often wane, and this loss of attraction leaves people fearing they’re no longer in love. Graeme and Annette have been in this place, questioning the value of their relationship many times over the years.

Our minds try to find a solution

They found that our logical minds will come up with some obvious reasons as to why this attraction is no longer present.

You might see that your partner has put on weight, no longer puts effort into their appearance or has become lazy around the house. Perhaps they seem resentful around you all the time and spend hours looking at their phone, tv or computer screen instead of being with you. They might no longer have any real desire in their lovemaking and it’s become pretty mechanical and unsatisfying. Passion has become a thing of the past and talking about it seems impossible. Erections and orgasms are no longer a certainty.

You assume this is the reason for your loss of attraction.

You then fear that if you’re no longer attracted to them the reason must be that you’re no longer in love.

We fear a loss of attraction when our bodies no longer perform

For often our sexual problems are the body’s way of communicating messages to us that cannot yet be put into words or understood. Symptoms- emotional, psychological and sexual are your hearts way of getting you to look more deeply at your underlying truth. Your body will no longer allow you to deceive yourself.

We’ve found that our mental assumptions are usually a distraction from what is actually going on under the surface and looking a bit deeper will give you answers you can do something about. Answers that will allow you to reach mutual understanding and empathy, re igniting the spark of both attraction and love in ways that can surprise you, making your loss of attraction a thing of the past.

Take Paul and Susan for example

The chemistry between them was obvious in the early years of their marriage. Recently though, Paul has been unable to sustain, or even gain an erection and when he does sex is a hurried affair in order to ‘get to the end’ before his arousal wanes. This sexual numbness means marriage malaiseapproach leaves Susan feeling unattractive, rejected and deprived and causes her to question their relationship. Also, Paul’s regular criticism of her weight gain has left her self-esteem in tatters. Paul saw Susan’s weight as the reason he was no longer interested in her. Both were left believing that their attraction for each other had ended and that love had died.

Trouble was brewing

Susan then had a one night stand to prove to herself she was still attractive, and as a cry for help in her relationship with Paul. Paul was hurt, angry and even less able to make love with Susan now he saw her as ‘cheap’; and he found her regained self confidence daunting.

Paul and Susan had trouble talking about their situation and conversations soon erupted into blame and arguing.  They were unable to hear each other through the judgements, assumptions and interpretations they made were making about each other, as well as from their fears of their own hurt.

Support helped them find a way though

With support Paul and Susan were able to see the impact these behaviours were having on each other. They learned to stay present long enough to hear each other’s experiences fully and regain some empathy.

couple talikingSusan expressed her shame and self judgment about her affair, and how it had pained her to hurt Paul so deeply. Paul was able to feel Susan’s pain and this then allowed his own heart to soften. He was able to express his feelings of sexual inadequacy after her hot night with another man, and his fears about satisfying this newly confident woman. Susan was able to make it clear to Paul that it was really great lovemaking with him and all he meant to her she wanted, rather than sex with a stranger.

Susan was also able to express to Paul how much his past criticism of her appearance had shut her down emotionally and sexually. Paul was then able to see that his criticism had been an outlet for his own self judgment from a flare up with his mother that he’d had difficulty in dealing with.

Both attraction and passion were restored

As a result of looking under the surface for their hearts messages and meeting in vulnerability Paul and Susan found their passion and desire for each other surprisingly renewed, and problems with orgasms and erections magically disappeared.Recreating the spark

So, if you’re having fears about your level of attraction to your partner and the lack of desire you’re feeling as a result, don’t get caught in your mind’s assumption about what is happening.

Trust that what is happening in your bodies is a sign post to the answer rather than an insurmountable problem.

And go a little deeper into the truth that lies in your heart.

As has happened for Annette and Graeme time and again, inside a loss of attraction amazing solutions can be revealed.

For support in looking under the surface of your situation contact Annette & Graeme today, as statistically the longer you leave it the greater the risk to your relationship and it doesn’t have to be this way.

 

« Previous Page
Next Page »

Coming Together

Coming Together Book Front Cover

CLICK HERE for our book on all things
relationship, intimacy & sex
to last a lifetime.
ORDER NOW!

CONTACT US:

Ph 1800 TANTRA

 

Sign Up for Our Fortnightly Newsletter

newsletter-sign-up

Read Our Previous Newsletter Articles

Weekend Workshop for Couples

Sexuality of the Heart
Feb 22-24 2019Intimate Couple

 

Couples Getaways

InquireLennox Beach Resort about our Ultimate Couples Getaways holiday near Byron Bay whilst exploring your relationship.

Couples Retreats

Join us for our
happy couple in IntimacyEcstasy & Intimacy Retreats
Bali Sept 21-28 2019
Gold Coast March 9-16 2019 
QLD June 1-8  2019
 We limit numbers in this retreat to maximise your experience

Oztantra Links

Blog  |  Media  |  Workshops  |  Books/DVDs

Lost That Loving Feeling?

Re-Ignite Your Spark Online Relationship Course

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Have a question?

PH 1800 TANTRA (1800 826 872)

 

Recent Posts

  • Sex: What Does it Mean to You? February 14, 2019
  • Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby! Part 3 January 28, 2019
  • Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby! Part 2 January 27, 2019
  • Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby! Part 1 January 26, 2019

Latest Tweets

  • Sex: What word would you use to describe it? - https://t.co/ulyS7d2VrR https://t.co/iKICviBXd1 February 19, 2019 6:35 am
  • Yay! Only one more sleep to go before our baby book is birthed to the world! thankyou to all our wonderful clients… https://t.co/ZlTKplHljL February 11, 2019 9:54 am
  • Follow OzTantra's Tweets

logo.png

Facebook Twitter Youtube

  • Oztantra Webinar’s – Relationship and Sexuality
  • Q and A – Frequently asked Questions Answered
  • Links
  • The Art of Relationship Creating- Meaningful Intimate Relationships
  • Emotional Intelligence, What is it?
  • Depression…making light of it
  • Breathwork Sessions
  • Lasting Longer for Men
  • Female Sexuality for Women
  • Beat Your Porn Addiction With Tantra
  • Tantric Meditations
  • What Is Tantra?
  • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like? – Oz Tantra
  • Tantra Massage
  • How to Become a Tantric Lover
  • Cobra Breath – The Cosmic Cobra Breath
  • The Art of Self Pleasure
  • Man To Man Talk With Graeme
  • Woman to Woman Talk with Annette
  • Gspot – Oztantra
  • The Power of Reverse Polarity

Oztantra © 2019 | Beautiful Theme