At the launch of our book Coming Together at the Avid Reader Bookshop in Brisbane this week we invited attendees to anonymously write down what word came to mind when we asked them about what it was that sex meant to them. We then asked them to place their answers into our collection box.

The attendees came from a wide variety of backgrounds and this some of what some they came up with.

What sex means to me:

Pleasure

Liberation

Fulfilment

Fantabulous

How men think

Fun

Excitement

Non-existent

Passion

Sacred

Fantastic

Love

Compassion

Union

Enjoyable

Connection

So painful it hurts

Intimacy

Sublimely Sensual

Don’t even know how to spell it?

It’s obvious from these answers that sex, or making love, offers something pretty amazing- from the depths of despair to the heights of fulfilment.

What word comes to mind when you think of sex, of making love?

How do you feel about your answer?

Have you, or could you share what you’ve found with your partner and have a conversation around it?

Would you like more of what you’ve found?

Or would you like to create more of what you’re longing for?

Recognising what sex or making love means to you is the first step.

The second is asking yourself what is it that you can do to create more of what you’re looking for.

As is identifying what you’re doing that is getting in the way of this.

It’s much more empowering to look at your own behaviour rather than to focus on what your partner is not doing, as it puts you in a position of choice rather than limitation.

Making new, positive choices will help inspire your partner into their own.

If you would like to learn more about how to create the highs rather than the lows, or to expand your highs even further think about joining us for our upcoming weekend workshop Feb 22-24 Sexuality of the Heart. This weekend only we’re offering a special 10% discount to anyone who came to this weeks book launch!

We’ve covered talking about the big picture of sex in Part 1, how to ask for sex in Part 2, today we cover how talk about sex during and after making love. and a a bonus we mention ways to talk about sex around your children.

Talking About Sex During Sex

Talking during sex doesn’t have to be dirty talk (although this can add spice if you’re willing to risk it. If you’re not sure how to talk dirty, asking your partner what they would like to hear can be a good place to start, for even if you feel ridiculous at first they’ll love you for it!).

Simply letting your partner know you’re loving what’s happening for you is a great way to build the intensity and deepen your connection. We all love being affirmed, and this is a very powerful place to be affirmed in.

Your affirmation can be as simple as, “I’m loving that thing you’re doing with your tongue right now. It feels AMAZING!”. Oohs and Aahs are a good start, but being specific (when you can engage your thoughts!) is even better.

A beautiful tip is to occasionally tell your partner something wonderful about them in their moments of orgasm. They won’t be in a place to respond to you but your words will penetrate them deeply as in this moment they are psychically very open.

And remember those moments when you are beyond the thoughts, words and communication from your limited egoic mind are equally priceless as the most effective communication from it.

Talking when it’s not working during sex:

• When you’re actually in the moment, keep your communication simple and direct.
• Many people fear speaking up about what they want, but if you do it in a non-shaming way, most partners will love you for it.
• Most of us fear criticism in this tender place, however. So rather than focussing on what’s not working, ask for what you want instead. If you want a change, say, “This is nice, and a little to the left would be even better!” or “I’d love it if you could go a bit slower. That’s great – can you go even slower?” or even “I love it when you do… Could you do it now?”
• Don’t expect your partner to remember what you want every time. Just make a habit of asking for it. (Ironically, this takes the fear and frustration out of it for your partner so they’re more likely to remember.)
• If nothing’s working, it’s OK to pause, breathe, do your ABC and take the time to come back to a place of connection with yourself and see what emerges from there.
  
  Don’t make it, or your partner wrong. Instead, focus on what IS happening for you and share it, eg, “I’m feeling distracted,” “I’m not really present,” “I’m disconnected from myself,” etc. Own this as your feeling, and nothing to do with your partner (even the best technique in the world won’t get you there if you’re not available).
  
  And if your partner is feeling something less than perfect, don’t make it about you. As scary as it sounds, stating what is and allowing it to be OK can empower things to shift.

Talking After Sex

Just a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards.

A little later, there’s great benefit in sharing about what you experienced. For even when you’re feeling totally connected with each other, you each still have your own uniquely personal perspective.

Talking about sex afterwards is a great way to learn more for next time, although it’s definitely a time to be gentle and leave criticism behind. Sharing can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you – always owning your comments and speaking from your heart.

Sex = Children = No Sex

It’s funny how the gift of children that come from the act of sex seems to be the reason many people stop having it after those same children arrive. This is partly due to the place we keep sex in our minds: that it’s private, embarrassing, naughty, dirty, or just noisy, and that kids shouldn’t know we’re doing it.

However, it’s important to normalise sex, to make it a healthy part of family life, and to make your relationship intimacy equally important as caring for your children’s needs. There’s no reason that kids can’t be in the house whilst you’re making love. Open-hearted pleasure that leaves you feeling great will nurture and uplift those around you as well, (although do keep the really noisy times for when you’re alone).

With young children, talk about ‘parent time’ for loving each other or having cuddles. Set them up with an activity to keep them occupied; and if they happen to interrupt, just tend to their needs and come back, rather than give up or let your child get into bed with you.

If your children are old enough to be up without supervision, let them know you’re going to have some ‘connection time’ (no details needed). If you clearly hold sex in a place of importance and sacredness in yourself, your kids will do the same. Even if they roll their eyes and say, “Yuck!” they’ll highly value the positive role modelling you offer.

Reassess Your Sexual Map

Lastly, reassess your sexual map regularly, as your sexual desires will change over time just like you do. And even if talking about sex doesn’t go well the first time, keep trying: the gifts of lovemaking are too big to ignore.

The couples Graeme and I see find that the benefits of getting to an open and loving place in communicating about sex make communicating easier in all other areas of their relationship too. We trust it will be the same for you.

If you found these tips helpful and would like to know more check out Part 1 , Part 2, or purchase All Parts are from our book Coming Together: available here Or even give Annette or Graeme a call Ph 1800 TANTRA or email us here.

Yesterday we spoke of starting a conversation about sex in your relationship by focussing on the bigger picture – what sex actually means to each of you (if you missed it see it here).

Today we get down to more of the nitty gritty from our book Coming Together available here:

Getting specific about your sex together:

• If you have any concerns about what’s happening in the bedroom sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your partner has somewhere to go with your concern.
• Discuss what you’d like more of/less of. Exploring them as desires rather than expectations lets you move more openly towards them.
• If you’re partner asks for something you have resistance to, feel into your resistance and see what lies within it. Is your resistance:
  • fear of being embarrassed
  • a fear of the unknown
  • of being out of control
  • of being out of your comfort zone
  • concern about past negative experiences
  • is the idea bringing up shame you can move through?
  • is it resistance to giving your partner something they want?
  • or is it a true ‘no’ for you?
  • Open discussion will bring you a clearer, more loving ‘no’, or maybe your ‘no’ will turn into a ‘yes’!
• If you don’t know what you want for yourself, make that OK. Sit with it, and allow whatever’s under the surface to come out, rather than covering it up with something you think you should want.
• Get clear on what your/your partner’s signals are for wanting sex, and what is NOT a signal.
• Share your ‘quickie turn-on’s. What fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have our own unique ones: find ones you can share.
• Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
• What’s your end game? How do you each like to finish? Can you combine them or alternate?

Asking for sex:

Yes, it’s both scary and challenging to ask for sex, and it can be easier (and sadder) not to. Hopefully, we can inspire you enough to want to go there:

• Ask from a place of being already there rather than one of trying to hook your partner into giving you something. Allow yourself to feel your desire, enjoying the feeling, and breathing it through your body in a way that relaxes and opens you, then approach your partner from this place.  This way, if you get a ‘no’, you’re less devastated as you’re already feeling pretty good.
• Don’t ever assume or covertly hint, eg come to bed without your PJ pants on, or ask for a neck massage hoping for more. Manipulation is not sexy.
• A great way to approach your lover is whichever way works for them, so ask them what this is.
• If they’re not sure, the direct approach is simply to look them in the eye with a smile and say, “I’d really like to ….with you. Would you like to join me?”  If you get a ‘no’, ask whether there’s anything they need that would make your invitation possible.

Conversations For Getting Started

Before having sex, check in with yourselves via your ABC to see where you’re each at. Rather than judge where you’re at, use it as a starting place.

• Are you feeling keen and excited, or resistant and needing to take it slowly?
• Do you need some nurturing first?
• Do you feel creative and like exploring?
• Are you feeling kinky?
• Or are you ready for a cuddle?

When you can start out by being real with your desires, it brings an openness to working together to create a mutually agreeable outcome. And starting gently often allows desire to arise if it’s not there at the beginning.

Sharing your fears, boundaries and desires

This can be another way of getting started.

• Sharing fears: It’s good to share any fears that come up for you about sex, as this allows them to be heard and let go of.
• Sharing boundaries: Don’t automatically assume you have the right to do something just because it’s with your partner, or because they were into it last time. Equally, don’t assume they’re ready for something new because you are. Instead, make boundary setting a regular part of your love-play.

As funny as it might sound, boundaries are still important in relationship sex. They not only protect and maintain your essential self, they help you to avoid taking your partner for granted. Boundaries also allow you to feel respected and safe enough to trust and open more deeply to loving pleasure.

• Sharing desires: What is it you’re up for? If one of you isn’t open to full sex right now, are you open to exploring anything else? For example, could you lie together and share sexual energy, kissing or mutual pleasuring, or could they be present with you whilst you self-pleasure, etc?

Once you’ve managed to have conversations at this level your fear of talking about sex should be much reduced. If places come up where you disagree make them learning opportunities rather than no go zones. The openness the happens when we are fully accepted in this place will bring energy to your sexual desire like nothing else.

Remember to look for tomorrow’s chat which is about talking during sex and afterwards, plus talking about sex around the children!

And for more ways to include making love in your relationship take a look at our upcoming March Couples Retreat.

We know it’s challenging to talk about sex…

So if this is you, you’re not alone.

Yet if you want a better sex life, finding a way to talk about it is absolutely essential.

That’s why we’re introducing this 3 part series ‘Talking About Sex’ from our book Coming Together available here over this long weekend to give you the tips and tools to get this conversation started.

Link to part 2https://www.oztantra.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=7405&action=edit

We’d rather sex just…happened

Even in this supposedly open era, few couples feel comfortable talking about what’s happening in their bedrooms, even with each other. In our culture, sex purely for pleasure and intimacy is a pretty recent invention, so it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it.

It’s confusing too that in Western culture, sex is used to market everything from alcohol to shampoo, yet we can’t talk about it honestly with the people we actually do it with. It’s hard to talk about something we can feel ashamed, scared, rejected, frustrated, insecure or sad about.

This is because there’s no one right way for sex to look.

Despite what porn and the romance industry might try to tell you.

It’s totally up to you (and your partner, of course) to decide for yourselves what to do with sex and talking about it is the first step.

Actively embracing your sexuality – and your partner’s – in ways that offer you a place of pleasurable intimacy, freedom, power and fulfilment will keep both you and your relationship energised for decades and talking about it is the first step.

Tips to help THAT conversation

Know that yes, a real conversation about sex may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary, but take some deep breaths, get present and grounded, and gently jump in.

• Pick a time and place with some space and privacy, but not during sex.
• Remember that sex is a co creation of your experience and your lovers. You’re responsible for your own pleasure and feelings of connection (or lack of them), you’re not responsible for your partner’s experience. Just as they are not responsible for yours. Remembering this brings ownership of your part in the experience and the freedom to create more of what you desire.
• Simply owning your fear and embarrassment is a good start. Have no doubt that your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you (even if they’d rather die than admit it), you make this OK by admitting your own.
• Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you and your partner. Just discuss a little at a time, if this is easier.
• Begin with a compliment.

Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.

• Seek to explore, understand, be curious and non-judgemental.
• Keep the conversation as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
• Speak more about what you DO want than about what you don’t.

Absolutely avoid trying to get your partner to better meet your needs through criticism!

• Criticism invites shame in this vulnerable place and a negative response invites a negative reaction from your lover, even if their intentions are positive. Imagine how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end.
• It’s not easy, but don’t take your partner’s comments or desires personally. Remember that your partner’s comments are ultimately saying more about them not you. Breathe into what you feel and stay present.

Going about this the right way can mean that simply having a conversation about sex can itself be a fulfilling sexual experience.

Topics to Explore

What is sex for you?

Starting with a look at the bigger picture of sex may help because it’s less confronting. Explore your beliefs about what lies behind sex for you.

Make it your intention to share your desires clearly and to really understand your lover’s, rather than to focus on outcomes here.

See any differences you find as things you can explore together to bring more depth and variety to your love life rather than things that will draw you apart.

Do you see sex as one or more of these:

• A source of love and connection?
• Relief of stress and tension?
• Unconditional giving and receiving?
• Seeking excitement and pleasure, being on your edge?
• Fantasy fulfilment?
• Fulfilment of a spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all that is?
• Maintenance sex, enjoying what works, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
• An inner exploration where you learn something new about yourself?
• A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?

Discuss what you each mean by your answers, and try to get as specific as you can to help your partner understand where you’re coming from. Try not to force any outcomes, just make it an exploration of where you’re both at. Have the mindset that taking a step back to see things more clearly may take you forward in ways beyond your wildest imagination

Part 2

Part 3

If you would like support to talk about sex in with your partner call Annette or Graeme in 1800 TANTRA or email here