Oztantra Blog – Love Sex & Passionate Relationships

What if we made love the way we had dinner?

January 11, 2018 By admin Leave a Comment

This intriguing contribution comes from interested reader of Oztantra newsletters Nenad Stojadinovic… (if you’d like to send us your own thoughts on sex or relationship, please do and we’ll include the best of them here!)

“Ever wonder what makes sex so special? As in a minefield?

I mean, it’s not like sex is the only interaction between people; we do lots of really significant things together either as couples or in groups. We work together in teams,
we join clubs and play sports, we create companies, we share passions, join military forces, stitch quilts, build barns, etc etc. and they generally turn out OK.

Imagine if people did dinner like they did sex, wouldn’t that be funny? Imagine a table of couples having dinner one evening …

Mary sits and stares at her plate. She really wants an exotic entree but doesn’t know how to pronounce the name and doesn’t dare ask. She eats boiled noodles.

Dave decides that he would rather sit at another table and vanishes, glass of wine in hand

Cynthia reaches over to Rafik’s plate and takes it away

Harry and Daisy sit and glare at each other over empty plates

Jayden grabs his young girlfriend Skye’s dessert and passes it around to his mates

Samantha arrives with a huge Jamaican guy that nobody knows

Alan bolts his entire dinner and leaves before Leslie finishes her entree

Danica and Frank sit opposite each other, decide to share their main and then pass their desserts to each other for a taste. Frank is secretly delighted that Danica likes his somewhat exotic dessert and plans to make it for her one evening at home

Paisley and Moonji take some of the plants from the centrepiece and set fire to them over their empty plates. They pronounce themselves nourished and sated

Meanwhile, a bunch of folks gather together outside, bang a drum and extol the virtues of not eating love! “

Here at Oztantra we believe the reasons for all of the above behaviours are due to our fears of intimacy, of feeling and our sexual shame- which is why we’re passionate about teaching the skills to behave in ways that connect us, rather than keep us isolated and alone.
Even just reading the story above may give you insight into some of your own behaviours and the courage to make different choices in bed by seeing yourself at dinner…

We hope your next meal is a buffet!

Tips for Connecting this Christmas…

December 22, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Would you like to have a more magical and meaningful Christmas this year?

One with more real, and heartfelt connection?

Christmas is becoming more conflicted for many of us, unless we’re in the years of having young children caught up in the excitement of presents and Santa Claus. Many others find great joy in the simple gathering of family members they don’t get to see very often outside of formal family events. Some see it just as a holiday break and still others enjoy Christmas with its original intention- celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.

For some Christmas is a time of increased stress from spending time in close proximity to family members they find difficult or have unresolved issues with. Others find Christmas the loneliest time of the year as they face being without relationship or family.

No matter what the season is for you there’s little escaping the frenetic intensity of advertising, gift buying, carols in the shopping centres, present wrapping, house decorating (we have a splendid example just down the street from us, we only hope their neighbours’ opposite can get a good nights’ sleep!) food preparation and end of year partying.

If you’re finding it hard to make any real connection to, or meaning in, your Christmas season we offer a few tips that we use to help you come through it nurtured and energized.

Take time to centre yourself:

Yes, we know Christmas is all about giving and sharing with others and we’re not suggesting being with yourself in order to be selfish. Rather, taking the time to connect with yourself allows you to give and share from connection with your inner abundance and wholeness rather than expectation, obligation or entitlement.
So take a few precious moments as often as you can to pause, any where and anytime, place a hand on your belly, breathe deeply and quietly, take your attention within, drop deeper and deeper inside yourself,
notice what you’re feeling in:
-your physical body: tense, relaxed, hot, at ease, achy etc
– your sensory body: tingly, pressured, tight, overwhelmed, grounded etc
– your emotional body: sad, excited, scared, irritated, resentful, joyous etc
– your heart- full and warm, happy, light and open, loving, grateful, closed, numb etc
– your subtle body: timeless, spacious, infinite, abundant, free.
For all of these live inside of you and the more you connect with, acknowledge and accept them the more at ease you will be with those around you, ready to give, share, laugh and love!

Feel into your heart:

Go underneath the stories, the stresses, hurts and cynicism, feeling what is really happening in this important, and intelligent, part of you.

Find something that is meaningful for YOU about Christmas Day:

Do something that feels honouring and relevant to you, no matter what is as long as it touches your heart in some way, even if it’s outside the usual offerings. Such as giving a donation of time or money to charity, going for an early morning walk, calling a forgotten friend, the possibilities are endless. It may or may not include your partner, if it doesn’t make sure you talk about the importance of it for you with them, so they share in it this way.

Take the opportunity to express your love:

Especially if you haven’t done it for a while, or even ever before. It can be a simple phrase or an intimate conversation.

Give someone- yourself, your partner, friends or family the gift of your presence.

Give them your full attention for a time- face them, look into their eyes, really listen to what they’re saying, ask curious questions and attempt to understand their perspective rather than thinking about how to reply.

Express gratitude:

Let your partner know something about them you appreciate or feel grateful for, as gratitude is a great heart opener. Do it without expectation of their response, just for the joy of expressing this part of yourself.

Be of service:

Do something for your partner just for the joy of giving. It may be as simple as opening the door for them, carrying food or presents, even rescuing them from their difficult relative. The benefits of giving work both ways.

Drop the drama:

If you feel yourself get triggered by something your partner says or does give both of you the gift of dropping the need to give voice to the drama that the trigger manifests. Instead of venting and needing to justify yourself just breathe deeply, exhaling through the mouth until the emotion from the trigger passes, come back into your heart and enjoy the day. There will be other days to sort it if you need to.

Remind each other of good times:

Share a time when you recall either a funny moment, a triumph, an adversity you overcame, a challenge you met together, even the moments you first met and what attracted you to each other as these create connection between you.

Overindulge less:

Yes, it is a traditional time to over eat, have those few drinks more and generally more of everything. Instead challenge yourself to consume slowly, savouring every morsel, and saying no to extras. Extravagantly praise the preparer of the food/drinks so they don’t feel slighted by your refusal to indulge, and end the day feeling good in yourself, still connected with yourself, rather than flat, overfull and uncomfortable. Then you’ll have more energy for the remaining tips!

Find your flirty self:

Imagine you’re getting to know your partner for the first time and try flirting with them just for the juiciness of it. Think of ways that feel fun, energizing, a little sensual, naughty, even provocative and let yourself fully enjoy it. The important thing here is to do it for the juiciness it brings you in doing it, without expecting any particular response from your partner. This takes any fear or triggers out of it and lets you relax and enjoy the moment. You might want to start in private and if you’re game, take it all the way up to underneath the Christmas dinner table…

Touch without agenda:

In the busyness of the season there might be no time for lovemaking or it might feel like too much effort with your limited energy. Instead, give yourself and your partner permission to just hold, stroke, touch without any need to make anything happen. Just relax and breathe, letting go of any tension or places where you’re holding on in your body. Use a natural oil like coconut or almond to help your touch glide over your genitals. Look each other in the eyes and let the love be there- or reconnect with it if it’s been missing for a while.

Drop into beingness:

If even this feels too much just lie together (preferably naked), hold each other and breathe, harmonizing your bodies’ energy fields. You’ll wake up with a smile on your face.

These tips will forever change your experience of Christmas, once more giving it that element of magic and heart-warming that you used to feel as a child, or even something better!

And finally, expand your Christmas spirit and share these tips with those around you (you can keep the last few just for your partner), increasing your connection with your family and friends, real time rather than just through text or Facebook.

Include yourself in your gratitude and appreciation messages.

Especially include those in the service and sales industries, people increasingly treated poorly in our rush to expect, demand and accumulate, include them by giving them a smile and a gracious thank you on the phone, at the desk or checkout.

If, for any reason, you have difficulties in your relationship this festive season that feel insurmountable you can contact us here or call 1800 TANTRA…

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Layers of Lovemaking

December 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What comes to mind when you think of making love?

Is it connection, sensuality, pleasure, excitement, orgasm, release or something else?

Is it one or two of these things, or all of them?

Do you even call it making love? Or for you is it having sex, getting laid, rolling in the hay, even hiding the banana in the fruit salad? Apparently there are over 400 different words we have for this one act and what you like to call it can give you some clues as to the layers in it for you.

Think about it, no matter what you call it or do with it, making love is a multilayered ritual going on all around the world, in each country, city and town in each moment and has been since the beginning of time, no other human ritual is as primal as this one.

Here we identify the many layers that make up making love so you can see what is in it for you right now and what else you might like to explore:

The 9 layers of Lovemaking:

Arousal is the awakening of your physical sexual response- that hot, tingling, aliveness in your body, commonly accompanied by body tension.
Desire- the strong feeling of wanting to make love that can come from a thousand different places, often varying each time ie. the desire to feel pleasure, connection, wanted, ravished, to take or be taken, nurtured, loved, released etc.
Eroticism: the actions intending to arouse sexual desire.
Sensuality is gratification of the five senses- sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, which can involve sexual pleasure but is not limited to it.
High states of arousal can equally be found in high levels of relaxation when activated by the breath.
Emotional connection though the sharing of intimacy and love within sex.
Polarity play between masculine and feminine energies of action/dominance/penetration and beingness/surrender/receptivity.
Orgasm is where sexual pleasure rises to a peak, explodes and then subsides, with or without pelvic floor muscle contrations. During the explosive peak there is an experience of “little death’ or loss of the Ego rational mind, a moment of freedom from the idea of Self.
Transcendence where we go beyond the conditioned mind into a spiritual like state of freedom, being or bliss.

How would you choose to bring in new layers to what you’re currently experiencing?

If you would like some support in doing so contact us here and begin the conversation about what might be possible!

Sexual Breathing Enhances Your Pleasure

December 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sexual Breathing brings more pleasure and more connection…

Start simply…breathe in down to your belly, breathe out through your mouth…this is the beginning of Sexual Breathing.

Once comfortable breathe in all the way down to your genitals, breathe out through your mouth…

Then squeeze your pelvic floor muscles as you inhale and relax them as you exhale…

Keep coming back to this practice, whether you are making love, self pleasuring, driving the car or sitting on the back verandah with a cuppa.

In lovemaking actively play with your breath

Sexual Breathing is consciously playing with your breath. Speeding your breath up increases your pleasure (build up slowly if you’re new to it), breathing fully and deeply spreads your pleasure through your body as it relaxes. Nb. You create room for more pleasure in a relaxed body than in one full of tension, especially as you get close to orgasm. This is true for both men and women. It might seem to fade a little at first as you relax, that’s just because it’s spreading. Keep breathing and relaxing and your pleasure will come back stronger! Once you go into orgasm take short sharp breaths to keep your pleasure going longer. This also reduces the ‘owie’ oversensitive feeling on your clitoris.

Get a little more fancy (and more powerful) here:

The Feminine & Masculine Breaths

Sexual Breathing begins with the Feminine Breath, as this is an energy building (or receptive) breath.

The Masculine Breath is a discharging breath so it makes sense to build your energy first.

Then you can try a free breath which combines both…

Try it alone first, then with your partner, one doing the feminine and the other masculine breath.

The Feminine Breath:

Lie on the floor or the bed on your back with your feet flat on the floor or bed with your knees up and leaning in a little. Your feet are up near your hips, and your sacrum is contacting the ground. Stay relaxed. Move very slowly. As you flatten your lower back your pelvis curls up. Add a deep inhalation as you do so. this in breathe is in through the mouth, breathing energy into the Yoni. Breathe all the way up to the chest. Expand the chest and then expand more. Draw the shoulders back and apart and inhale more. Take in everything you can imagine needing on your inhalation, on your breath. Take in all you have ever missed out on receiving on your inhalation. Take in so much so you feel totally full. Keep the inhale larger than the exhale..

Breathe out through the nose, constricting the throat slightly and sighing or making an “mmm” sound. As you breathe out slowly release the pelvic curl to sink into the ground, arching your lower back as you do so. Let go, let go, surrender all control. Visualize or feel the energy moving up from the pelvis and radiating out the heart. Pause at the bottom of the exhale.

Repeat at your own pace for 5 to 10 minutes, breathing in everything you need.

Allow the body to shake or orgasm if it wants to, allow feelings to come, but return to the breath as soon as you can whatever else is going on. Pause, rest and observe your feelings for a few minutes.

The Masculine Breath:

Keep your knees up but allow your legs to fall apart slightly. Feet are still up near your hips. Continue to move very slowly with the pelvic curl but in the reverse direction to what you’ve just done. Tilt the pelvis down (or arch the back, pressing the sacrum into the ground) as you breathe into the heart. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth making the exhale bigger than the inhale.

Pause at the top of the inhale and slowly curl the pelvis up, flattening your lower back as you exhale out through the genitals with an open mouth, making a “ha” sound. Let everything go on the exhale.

Repeat at your own pace for 5 to 10 minutes, slowly moving your pelvis together with the breath.

Using either the masculine or the feminine movement, breathe both in and out through the mouth, more rapidly, keeping up a steady pace.

Or simply let go of all technique and let your body breathe and rock as it desires to.

Pause. Cease all and feel your body/mind. Lie quietly and notice what you’re experiencing.

You can use this as a sexual warm up or as a meditation.

Once you feel comfortable with your breathing invite your partner to join you, and breathe in the opposite way to each other. Breathe in and out together but one in masculine style and one in feminine. Your connection will flow quickly and powerfully. Enjoy!

You can add in a few Feminine/Masculine breaths anytime to add some juice to your love play.

NB. It is particularly valuable for women who generally breathe in the masculine style, or who find themselves in a masculine role to practice the Feminine Breath to nurture and re energise yourself.

If you would like to learn more about the power of your breath check out our coming events here.

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