Oztantra Blog – Love Sex & Passionate Relationships

Men Is your sex life boring?

June 18, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Men-

Do you somehow feel like you’re missing out on a little sexual something? Like there should be more to it than this? Is your sex life boring? Maybe your orgasms and/or erections aren’t as enjoyable or reliable as they used to?

Especially if you’re with a woman who is writhing in multi orgasmic waves of pleasure as you hold back to watch her with joy yet more than a little envy?

Does it seem like the results with new toys, extra porn and even a little BDSM are disappointing despite all the hype?

Well, don’t despair all is not lost, there is more than you are currently experiencing. You too can glimpse the infinite world of pleasure and even ecstasy that are like glimpsing into the 100 billion galaxies reported by NASA to exist in the universe.

And the first step is to claim more of your own pleasure. Not just in those final few seconds but the whole way through. You are so good at giving and being there for your lover but it is no longer your job to simply wait until they’ve had their share. Why not join in in more of your own?

Men who have learned to experience deep pleasure really know that not only does it feel amazing but is heart opening as well as body and soul nurturing for both himself AND his lover.

Ejaculation for the man has long been viewed as the natural completion of sex, his biological need to release sperm in order to procreate and the pleasure that came with it was automatic. So in this way man’s sexual pleasure has been covert, unlike a woman whose sexual pleasure is largely separate to her ability to procreate and she’s had to claim it for herself, he hasn’t yet had to, until now. So much more is possible for you!

In today’s society sex (at least in the west) has become freer, less procreation and more pleasure based (leaving aside the intimacy and connection factor in sex for now). With this focus women’s pleasure has rightly become more important and more achievable. Yet somehow man’s pleasure (and his potency) has become less, sadly with men reporting feeling selfish, even shameful if focussing on his own pleasure, so he emotionally disconnect from his partner and disappear in order to be able to feel pleasure rather than shame. Because of this he often derives more satisfaction in helping his lover come than in feeling his own pleasure. His few moments of ‘coming’, his greatest point of feeling pleasure feels frustratingly limited to him allowing boredom to set in. In reality he is capable of multiple orgasms and a choice in coming or not…

One of the challenges in being a man is believing you have to be the good provider and are therefore responsible for your partner’s pleasure is that in doing so you are coming from your conditioning rather than from what is possible. Your lover is actually responsible for creating their own pleasure. Yes, you can help by being there but it doesn’t mean you have to give up yourself in the process.

And your conditioning may even tell you that for you to be a good lover you need to be totally there for your partner as the more pleasure they have the better lover you’ll be. The challenge with this is that you are putting your rewards in your lover’s hands and setting yourself up for failure. Rely on her pleasure too often and she’ll feel manipulated, like she has to perform to make you feel good about yourself- if she either doesn’t want to disappoint you or she is pissed of about being in this position- she’ll bring out the time honoured fake orgasm.

When a man gives himself permission to really feel his own pleasure it allows him to feel more connected to himself and significantly reduces the pressure to perform that he often feels during love making, reducing his fear of failure and transforming his intimate connection into something truly magical.

Despite his conditioning it is not selfish for a man to let go of striving for the end goal and take the time to slow down and feel more along the way in lovemaking, in fact it is vital. For when a man is more familiar with feeling his pleasure it means he is more present and more in his body, inviting more potency, allowing pleasure to arise rather than having to force it.

Any man who chooses to be present in his body will open up to the full potential of pleasure during the whole love making session, rather than just his usual few seconds at the end. It’s the beginning of his ability to become multiply orgasmic if he desires. With practice this allows a man to be more present with his lover as well as his pleasure, no matter how intense. His lover will eat this up!

When a man understands that women actually enjoy feeling a man feeling his pleasure as it means she can feel more of him open and connected to her (similar to him enjoying feeling her pleasure) he can do so more easily without disappearing.

Taking responsibility for his own pleasure takes away the burden of having to ‘provide’ his partner with theirs whilst he is missing out. This takes away the subtle (and not so subtle) manipulations that can occur in trying to make his pleasure happen through the other person, allowing more intimacy and authenticity = even more pleasure.

Feeling himself and being at ease in his own pleasure allows him to enjoy that place in himself where he just loves to give from, with the giving coming direct from his heart- It’s truly yummy for the receiver!

When he’s connected with himself he will automatically be more aware of the subtleties of his experience and where his partner is at. It makes him less reliant on ‘technique’ and more available to intuitive understanding which is much juicier.

Both lovers benefit from the resonance in the matching energy vibrations of pleasure, where the pleasure in his body literally invites the pleasure in theirs to awaken, creating more pleasure for both.

And lastly, both open to the possibility of a more intimate, loving and deeper connection that happens through being embodied and available in your feelings, senses, emotions and pleasure that needing to perform for the other takes away. It offers glimpses into the mystery beyond getting it right and fearing failure.

So what do you do if you’re not totally focussing on your lover, trying to hold off or really going for your few seconds of pleasure?

Choose to believe you are worthy as a person even without having any external goals to achieve.
Know your pleasure is as vital to lovemaking as your lovers, the whole way through not just at the end.
Make your goal getting present and connected with yourself and open to pleasure.
Practice being present in your own body by having your attention focused inside of you until you can be aware of yours first, then include your lovers. Self pleasuring, especially with your other hand on your heart, is great for helping you learn this.
Touch your own lingam (penis, cock) at times to connect with yourself and your own feelings. You don’t have to wait for your lover to do so. Mix up the touching with your body and theirs until you really get this. With practice it will become effortless.
BREATHE deeper and slower. Mouth breathe (especially on exhalation).
Slow down, be more in the moment, feel yourself, sexually and even emotionally.

Here you have it men, the more you let go of performing and feel your pleasure the more present and connected you will be to yourself. The more your lover will feel you. The more relaxed (yet excited), nurtured and satisfied both of you will feel.

And by the way, even though we do it for different reasons women who feel driven to perform can benefit from following the above steps as well…

If your sex life is boring and you want to find out more about how to change it call 1800 TANTRA or click here

What if Sex Wasn’t the Problem?

June 3, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

When a couple is unhappy…

Why is it that couples experiencing relationship discord say that 50-70% of their distress is due to sexual problems whilst contented couples attribute only 15-20% of their happiness to a pleasing sex life? What is it that causes this obvious change in perception?

This difference is because unhappy couples will often focus on sex as the problem simply because this is the place their relationship issues become more evident, whether it is lack of libido or an inability to perform. It also seems like the solution will be simpler ie. a new technique, a little lingerie and some porn. In reality their problems start well outside of the bedroom and are more likely to be due to a lack of emotional intimacy and safety. Science is now proving what is true for babies and children is also true for adults- we have a biological need for emotional connection in order to thrive. This need is either avoided or unseen because the solution appears much harder to come by- dealing with those messy, uncontrollable emotions- yuk!

Hot sex is about the safety to be you…

Sex is about connection and really hot sex is about intimate, emotional connection and the safety for you and your lover to be yourselves- open, real, engaged with each other and gloriously in the moment. Yet we’re bombarded with messages that tell us hot sex is about novelty and excitement with mindblowing orgasm techniques, fantasies, new positions, toys, and maybe even new partners. Yet these solutions are related to our Ego’s need for more and more, an appeasement that lasts only for a time before the itch needs to be scratched once again. The reality is that hot, erotic sex is simpler than this, it just takes the courage and skill to be emotionally intimate, with ourselves as well as with our lovers.

When we’re out of connection with ourselves and each other it can be tempting to put the focus on sex and hope that it will give us the connection we desire and blame it when it goes wrong.
It depends on the way we go about it.

Sex doesn’t work when it’s:

– Physical sex based only on the mechanics-eventually all that rubbing becomes numbing
– Last thing at night sex for stress relief where it’s too hard to find the energy for anything else
– Performance sex that is purely outcome and orgasm rather than intimacy focussed
– Emotionally closed sex where little is felt due to the emotional distance (or fusion) of the lovers
– Unclear sex where there are unresolved issues or hidden agendas limiting both the pleasure and connection
– Sympathy sex where one person is trying to enjoy it whilst the other merely putting up with it
– Poorly communicated sex where no one says what they want/don’t want

It doesn’t work when you’re out of connection with yourself and not acknowledging where you’re really coming from. Take the time to get real and ask yourself if by looking to have sex you are actually seeking to:
– Relieve stress
– Be physically close but avoid intimacy
– Be needed
– Be validated
– Get Love
– Feel something
– Express anger covertly
– Act out or relieve powerlessness or shame
– Get high to avoid real life issues

Understanding yourself is the first step…

Get clear about what you’re actually doing in sex (and it does vary although we can often have a particular theme we focus on) because we unconsciously seek to get many other needs met in sex besides our sexual ones, needs which when hidden actually get in the way of both pleasure and passion. They get in the way as we behave in negative ways in our cover up story that keeps us away from our partner, or them away from us. It’s a normal thing to do so don’t beat yourself up about it. The value is in acknowledging what is happening so it becomes a pathway to sex that works rather than a block. Learn to observe how you behave when you are acting out your hidden agendas and seeing how you could choose differently.

Then sharing with your lover…

To do so requires taking a risk and being vulnerable, being real with yourself, and if you are able and have a strong enough container in your relationship, with your partner. Ironically this vulnerability creates the intimacy and heart connection that underneath our agendas we’re really looking for. We expose our bodies, minds, hearts and souls to each other for a purpose- our biological need for connection. It takes courage to reveal our intimate, emotional selves as this is the part of us that is vulnerable to the pain of shame, of not being wanted, desired or feeling good enough. It takes courage to open up to another when to do so can open up the pain of long held raw spots inside us that hurt as much, if not more than a physical beating. This is the paradox of connection, particularly long term connection- the source of equal pleasure, pain and love.

We see it over and over again in the couples we work with. Rebuild the emotional connection and safety and the passion flows, it doesn’t disappear over time as is commonly thought in long term relationships. We just need the support and the skills to access it. And the first step is acknowledging our intrinsic human need for connection as part of our biological make up rather than a weakness and understanding the ways we go about avoiding it.

If you would like support in creating more connection and safety in your relationship call us on 1800 TANTRA today!

And Baby Makes 3…

May 13, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Having a baby together is one of the most important gifts you are going to share with your life partner. So how do you make the most of the gifts and the obvious, or maybe not so obvious, challenges in this part of your relationship when baby makes 3?

Are you as new (or even newish) parents struggling to reconnect in your relationship? Perhaps you’re feeling tired, uninspired with little resentments, fights or cold wars building an increasing level of distance between you, no matter how much good will you want to show?

As Mum are you:

– feeling overwhelmed at the awesome responsibility you are faced with and how you will cope with it?

– feeling resentful instead of loving when your partner comes in from a day out and about in the ‘real’ world?

– totally over having someone wanting to touch your breasts after breast feeding all day?

– scared that you won’t ever feel desire for your partner again?

– believing that you r partner just has to tolerate your shift in priorities?

– After experiencing the amazing power of birth are you sensing that there is something more to sex but getting caught in the same old boring routine each time it does happen?

– Will you ever find yourself as a unique individual again?

As a Dad are you:

– tired of getting rejected sexually?

– scared sex won’t ever go back to the way it used to be?

– feeling both awed and overwhelmed by the responsibility you feel and driven to spend extra time at work to ‘provide fully’ for your family?

– have fear around balancing responsibility vs independence?

– feeling challenged at being sexual with this ‘mum’ type person?

– Frustrated at helping your partner relax and come ‘first’ then having a mere moment or two of pleasure yourself at the end of the night?

We just want to know that these are all normal or at least very common experiences of new parents, all amongst the joy and wonder of being a new parent.

If this is you then read on here for some suggestions that will help, even if it is just knowing you’re not alone….

When baby makes 3 there isn’t a rule book, you are making your own.

Lots of people will want to give you well meant advice, plus there are zillions of articles and hundreds of books out there with helpful suggestions but see that ultimately it is your relationship to make it work your way.

There is a time in the early days when you both do just have to grin and bare it, whilst being as loving to yourselves and each other as you manage.

It is important for the long run however you both make a commitment to recreating ‘adult’ time in your relationship, this includes both in intimacy as well as sexually otherwise there is an unhealthy wedge inserted between you. Your relationship needs to support your child (children) not be totally dominated by it.

Arrange babysitting weekly or fortnightly so you can have a couple of hours just to be together. You might just want to take a stroll or go for a coffee, the idea is that it is your time. If babysitting is difficult see if there are other parents you can swap ‘time out’ with. Even this simple beginning can help bring back some of those ‘old’ feelings of desire for each other.

Open communication

Making the time to talk about your post baby expectations, fears and desires makes a big difference by establishing a clearer understanding of each other. Communicate by asking open ended questions, focus on talking about what you fear/desire for yourself, then ask your partner about their own desires etc.

It’s ok to express your frustration as releasing anger energy promotes passion. Just make sure you own it as your anger about you, without projecting onto your partner.

Don’t expect your partner to communicate the same way as you

These are tender topics and communication styles differ, especially between the male/female dynamic. Be prepared to listen to what IS being said, rather than having set expectations. Know that men DO feel they just don’t have the same language or social permission to express it, assuming this can help you see them more clearly.

Make it a shared journey.

Sometimes it is easy to forget when the focus is all on the mother and what is happening for her just how big an impact becoming a parent will be having on the father as well. Motherhood is still one of the most revered roles in our society, subtly reinforced in many different ways from adverts with only ‘mother and baby’ images to Babycare books referring to things ‘Mother’ can do when the child is ill. Even more so than Fatherhood, although this is rightly changing as fathers become more directly involved in their children’s daily lives. It’s important to know this imbalance can be reflected in the husband/wife dynamic if the father role is not fully acknowledged. For even though your partner doesn’t physically carry and give birth to your baby becoming a parent also brings in life altering changes for them, just like you.

Discuss post baby sex!
Sex is going to look a little different for a while after your baby arrives. The main thing you need is to talk about it and have a plan, otherwise there is the potential for your baby to take over the place where the sex used to be.

Talk with them about:

How sex is important to you and ultimately you DO want it to be a part of your ongoing relationship
There being initially a time when you’re just not up for it, due to your hormones rebalancing themselves, sleep deprivation, healing episiotomy scars, feeding issues etc and this is normal
How things like doing the dishes, tidying up, bathing the baby or answering the phone to their mother will become active parts of foreplay!
As does supporting your partner to have her own time and space to reconnect with her individual self, a reminder of who she is besides being a mum can help restore libido, as well as your desire for her sexual self.

Bringing Your Sexy Back For Women Post Baby

Once you’ve adjusted to your new routine and you are physically recovering you may like to explore some of the following ideas:

Understand that a woman’s body may feel different post baby, just explore it without judgement. You may feel different too, more comfortable, powerful or tentative. Whatever it is know that your sexy, desirable woman is still there she just needs time to come out. Your partner knows this and is likely to be very willing to support you in this.
Feeling sexual is about feeling connected to your sense of self so finding ways for you to regain your sense of YOU will help nurture this part of you. Identify what is it that most makes you feel you and find ways to experience that- going for a walk, meditating, coffee with your girlfriends, time to shop for yourself, do your hobby or have an afternoon at a spa.
Having your partner reminding you that you are a sexual being by helping you get back into your sexual feelings eg. stroking/kissing the back of your neck or inner arms, massaging your feet, hugging you from behind (without touching breasts) and connecting your hearts. This only works without having an agenda to turn it into instant sex, think bigger picture goal and just enjoy the moment.
Try just lying together with your hand resting on his cock and his hand resting on your heart, maybe even as you go to sleep. This validates the sexual connection between you.
Know that you may be initially more interested in connecting sex than performance sex- going slower, relaxing, taking your time than highly erotic, hot and heavy type sex.
If you’re not up for making love yourself perhaps you could you lie next to your partner whilst they self pleasure, how would you/they be with that?
Understand that in this place arousal can come before desire. This means that actually creating some pleasure through touch (or feeling your partner’s pleasure) can assist your own desire for making love to arise.
Practicing Daily Devotion- a Tantric practice that is about connection rather than outcome. There is no foreplay and no orgasm. Use a side by side or scissors position. Use just enough lubrication to enable penetration then sl movement to maintain connection for 10-20 mins. Mostly just relax, breathe and feel what is, hug to complete. This is a great way to re establish the sexual energy between you. If not daily then as often as possible.

Talk about your potential parenting styles

You might not think it but you will probably have differences in the way you ‘parent’ your child. These differences will be reflections of the way you were brought up yourselves. Discuss the differences in your upbringing and see how this might look. Decide if you want to negotiate and present a united front, or be willing to let each parent be responsible for the consequences of their individual choices

As we mentioned having a baby is one of the most life changing and important things two people can do together. It is vital that you plan to have your relationship come out on top along with it.

If you would like some assistance with getting reconnected after baby makes 3 (or more) in your life, whether it is recently or even months or years ago contact us for a Skype session or even a visit for a face to face reconnection session!

Call 1800 TANTRA or email here

Foreplay can Ruin Great Sex

April 18, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Relationship Killer: Foreplay as the ruination of great sex

Foreplay- defined as what you do in preparation for the real thing- sex.

It will, if all goes well, get you some good sex.

Yet in order to have really satisfying, even memorable sex foreplay (unless you spend hours and even days at it like like Christian Gery and let’s face it who does that?) is more likely to get in the way.

Foreplay creates an implicit power struggle that limits and separates the lovers rather than uniting them. It becomes a doing with predetermined outcomes along with increased expectations and a high potential for mere performance or disappointment. In other words it activates the egos in your relationship.

Foreplay happens when…

both of you are at your most vulnerable, when you’re beginning to be naked physically, emotionally and sexually. This is the time when your ego is most fearful and most wants to protect you from being embarrassed or made wrong!

It is not so much what happens in foreplay that creates the problem it is the mindset that goes with it, this idea that foreplay is the lead up to the main game. It means there is a goal oriented agenda towards what IS the main game, thereby creating a need to get somewhere.

We commonly believe that ‘foreplay’ is for women and real ‘sex’ is for the man. This ignites a not so subtle power struggle, focussing each in their minds thinking about what they should be giving or getting, disconnecting them from their feelings and blocking enjoyment.

There is also the vital question of how much foreplay is enough, and who gets to decide?

All of this limits the ease and openness that makes being sexual in your relationship feel so great in the first place.

For a man foreplay can:

Be seen as something he needs to give in order to get his ‘real’ pleasure. Or that he needs to ‘give’ his partner an orgasm first to be a good lover.
So he creates a plan of action in order to get to his goal, and his focus is on getting his partner ‘ready’.
His level of skill and confidence will determine his degree of enjoyment and performance pressure.
Sub consciously he can carry resentment at this having to focus on her and hold himself back.
He may have fear of failing to get his partner aroused, or of enjoying it so much he doesn’t last long enough for the ‘main game’. With his focus on his partner he is less aware of, or able to relax and enjoy his own experience.
Carrying this weight of success on his shoulders can reduce his interest in trying again.

For a woman foreplay can:

Feel like foreplay is something she needs to do to ‘get ready’ for penetration.
This puts her into her own performance pressure with the feeling that the clock is ticking, putting her in her head ‘trying to get there’, creating tension in her body and stress from her overactive mind, the total opposite of the relaxation she needs.
If she has a belief it’s the man’s job to get her aroused it leaves her cold or pissed off if he doesn’t/can’t do so. This can stop her from actively participating in her own arousal.
There is underlying fear or resentment about either performing, being good enough or not getting ‘there’ in time and missing out.
In not being fully aroused woman’s pleasure in penetration is limited and it becomes something to get over with as quickly as possible.
The focus on goal orientation limits her ability to relax, open and surrender into the endless full bodied pleasure she is capable of, reducing her interest in ‘next time’.

In porn the focus is almost totally on penetration. In many women’s articles penetration is often seen as getting in the way of a woman’s pleasure. Both of these are limiting points of view.
In foreplay we’re trying to make things happen, getting caught in routines that soon become acutely boring and passion killing, where we know exactly what is going to (or not going to) happen.

If these are not reasons enough to change your mind about your need for foreplay in your sexual relationship there is an even more compelling one-

That our most profound experiences in bed, the ones that stay with us for days, weeks and even years, giving life meaning tend to come from moments of spontaneity or unforseen creativity that surpass anything we could have planned for.

Our very best experiences are nothing like our best-executed agenda.

In fact, all of our trying just gets in the way.

The more we let sex happen rather than making it happen, the more these breakthrough experiences can arise.

Instead of foreplay explore being in each moment fully from beginning to end.

Choose to be simply present without agenda in each moment of sexual connection, whether it is the beginning the middle or the end.

Experience it fully as it is right now, in this moment, exploring it fully, then this one, then this…

Regarding each moment of sex as one of unlimited potential just as it is, rather than a mere passage to somewhere better. Whether it is a moment of high arousal or valley like stillness, experience each one fully.
This experience of what is real and acceptance of what is builds trust and openness, great stepping stones to pleasure, especially for women. It is not about expecting a woman to allow penetration without being ready, more that this way of being invites it to happen without forcing. It also creates a freedom and spaciousness for magic to enter that gives a man a performance break.

Rather than foreplay

Focus instead on getting connected with yourselves – being present inside your own bodies, in the moment, breathing, connecting, feeling, opening. This allows your bodies to respond naturally, opening to the innate creativity that lives within us rather than being forced into following our own, or our partner’s egoic agenda.

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