How do you make the transition from a hard day at work to sexual desire…
To a “Hard Day’s Night” in bed, as The Beatles once sang??
It’s one of the questions we get asked a lot- where to find desire.
How do you make the transition from work to a desire for pleasure…
Unfortunately it is all too easy to put it in the too hard basket and flake out in front of the TV or your laptop instead for those few minutes of ‘me’ time.
Or you might make an approach to your partner and their instant rejection of the idea crushes any tentative desires that may have been surfacing…
Yet if we stop making the effort, if we allow work, life and our resistance to be more important than each other we end up living in a relationship that we don’t really want.
And that is suffering.
In the long run it is worth it to make the effort in our relationships now…
We answer the question with something like this…
The most potent aphrodisiac is being seen, heard and valued.
It leads almost automatically into wanting and being wanted.
We offer you the following foreplay…
Step 1: How do you start?
Firstly it’s important to have a ritual that can separate your working day from your intimate home space. 
This will look different for each of us as individuals, it will be likely different between men and women, and different again if a working parent is coming home to a stay at home parent.
Each person will have different needs and desires, and this is normal.
Foreplay for the stay at home parent may be help washing the kids or putting them to bed and reading them a story.
The working partner may need time and space to decompress after a hectic day in the rat race, or a chance to debrief their day.
What ever this may look like is up to each couple to discuss and work out, especially if there are children involved.
If you make creating space together a priority eventually it will be easy as it becomes more familiar.
Nb. Having something simple and energizing to look forward to can make getting the necessities done happen as quickly and efficiently as possible!
Step 2: Now get together and get real:
This is not a discussion or a talk fest, it’s much more straightforward and immediate.
Simply begin with sitting down opposite each other, facing each other directly. This allows your body’s energy systems to move into alignment without doing anything other than just sitting there breathing. (Holding hands is optional).
You don’t have to be comfortable when you start, just start!
This may create some intensity, especially if your need for each other’s company is not being met and fulfilled because “life” is getting in the way, which can be an indication that you’re long overdue to start this process.
Step 3: Connect with yourself
Each close your eyes, take several deep breaths, breathing down into your bellies, in through your noses and out through your mouths.
Notice how your bodies are feeling physically- what are the actual sensations present inside you- tiredness, tension, stress, discomfort, no feeling, warmth, coldness, pain, relaxation.
Keep breathing and notice how you’re feeling emotionally- what sensations are you aware of in your belly, chest or throat? Irritation, anxiety, frustration, nervousness, sadness, happiness, ease, etc.
Whatever you’re feeling make it ok. Literally tell it it’s ok with your mind.
Take another breath or two and feel your sensations shift into a place of ease perhaps.
Step 4: Share with your Partner what you’re experiencing
Open your eyes and when your partner’s ready tell them what you’re experiencing in your body. Tell them without judging it or expecting anything from them. Hear what your partner is experiencing without judging or analyzing it, just hear it and let it in.
Step 5: Connect with your desires…
Once you’ve each shared what is happening take a few moments of staying connected with your bodies to notice what your desires might be right now.
Step 6: Share them
Share your desires from this place of feeling them in yourself.
Nb. This is not about putting your desires onto the other person to make happen, just sharing what is real for you.
Again just hear each other without judgement.
Or if you do have a judgment let it go and focus on the person and what they’re feeling instead.
Your desires can be different…very different!
Maybe one partner would like to snuggle up on the couch with a glass of wine and chat…
Maybe the other would like to slowly stroke their partner’s ass and enter their wet, juicy cave with a hot cock…
Perhaps one would like help with the dishes and clearing up the kitchen.
Whilst their partner would like to cozy up to some porn, talk dirty, build the excitement and finishing by coming in waves of pleasure…
One may simply want to sit and watch tv together.
The other may want to feel totally shaken, disturbed, taken over, wantonly taken.
Or one wants to be lazily stroked all over, told how beautiful they are, kissed all over, rising to a delicious orgasm.
And the other wants to rip their clothes off, suck their nipples hard and fuck them…
These are just examples they can be any desire at all…Even if you just want to lie down and sleep. Feeling it and acknowledging it can help it to shift. The most important thing to do here is to let your partner’s desires filter through you without going into a story about them.
Despite what it looks like you are both speaking the same language.
You both want to feel good.
Even if her desires invite boredom or resistance. Even if his fill you with shame or disgust.
Our society has conditioned us to think otherwise but our desires don’t need to be separate.
They are all just desire.
For energy to flow it needs a ‘Yes”.
Tantra is the language of presence, of acceptance, of melding two into one…
Keep eye contact and breathe…
This is about sharing desires not trying to make them happen. Just be in the moment, real, aware. Open.
Share another desire, and another…
Feel what is behind the words
It can tell you even more than the words themselves. Feel the mutual desire for something sweet, hot, precious, pleasurable, uplifting, opening, state changing. Or maybe even a good laugh arising between the two of you, for laughter is very clearing…
Breathe into your heart and into your genitals.
Feel your heart melting into the excitement of sexual desire. Not disappearing, being fired up.
Feel sexual desire rising into connection with your heart- still powerful, still erotic yet transformed into something bigger, freer, full of untapped potential.
Enjoy the moment exactly as it is, right here, right now…
See and feel each other desiring…
If you like breathe the feelings up into your third eye, directly between your eyes, feel its quality change again. Lean forward and share it with your partner in a (third eye to third eye) Tantric kiss.
Step 7: From here decide what comes next
Connected with your bodies, minds, hearts, sexuality and with each other your desires might be closer than you could have imagined.
Whatever happens you’ve already had a win…
To find out more ways to connect and nurture your relationship check out our Sexuality of the Heart Weekend Workshop Feb 19-21 2016
These lovers are all about the agenda- the oral sex is for one reason and one reason only- it’s the warm up for the ‘real’ sex act of penetration. So their actions are always done with a focus of getting somewhere else that’s better and as a result they drain all the juice out of the ‘right now’ moment for both you and themselves.
“I’m going to have and orgasm no matter what, I just have to try hard enough to make it happen”. This lover is desperate for pleasure and is going for it no matter what. And their mind oriented and control focussed approach will be doing two things: creating a tiring experience for the lover doing their best to support them and limiting their own capacity for pleasure. Because really big pleasure does not come from a place of mind control- nice orgasms can but the eye rolling, head back, screaming, shuddering full body and beyond orgasm comes only from surrender of the mind to the body and even the heart.
Men have sex whilst keeping their heart protected. Or they avoid wanting sex at all. Women avoid sex due to feeling a lack of intimacy and connection with their partner. Or they too seek sexual satisfaction purely through the mechanics of pleasure without involving their hearts. This has the twofold effect of making the desire to connect, either intimately or sexually or both, less likely to occur, and less fulfilling when it does happen, leaving couples feeling uncertain, frustrated and isolated.
Biologically: Love is a survival tool- a mechanism we’ve evolved as a species to promote long term relationships through a sense of safety and security, for our mutual defence and the safe raising of children. It’s a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst that we often seem to have no control over. Love is a cocktail of powerful chemicals for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding.
passion; we can receive it through the same. It can be highly personal as with friends and family, or in a moment of unique connection with a total stranger. It’s most personal in intimate relationship. Love can also be totally impersonal, such as a generalized love for humanity, country or God. We can experience love of the self, not as self centred, but being centred in ourselves, having respect for and taking care of who we are. Although love is healthy it’s inappropriate to put our need for love onto another.
the long run (though we highly disagree with this!). Sex can be a wonderful antidepressant and de stressor. Sex provides us with opportunities to feel connected, secure, loved and powerful. It can be a boost to our self esteem. Like love, it is inappropriate to put our need for sex onto another. We can invite another into it but not force them. Sex isn’t the only way to feel loved, connected, secure and powerful whilst getting a boost to our self esteem, so psychologically we don’t need it but the combined biological, physical and emotional results speak for themselves. Sexual repression can create huge psychological torment, suffering and eventual disease. Sex is the juice/energy and passion for life, whether we’re just feeling it in ourselves, or doing it with another. .
