For truly enjoyable, even inspiring Oral Sex
Forget about the best oral sex techniques you read in Cosmo or Men’s Health…
It’s not so much what or how you give and receive oral, but most importantly where you’re coming from when you’re giving it…
And, this is not another on of those “Sex Tip articles with 10 instant success techniques”….
Instead, we’re going to explore where you’re coming from when you’re going down, and how that may look…
What doesn’t work:
This lover is not actually giving you head they’re taking from you…they’re making you feel good so they can too. they want to give you such a great orgasm (whether you really enjoy it or not) that their view of themselves as a hot lover is reaffirmed. Afterwards you can feel taken from rather than given to.
The Juice Extractor:
These lovers are all about the agenda- the oral sex is for one reason and one reason only- it’s the warm up for the ‘real’ sex act of penetration. So their actions are always done with a focus of getting somewhere else that’s better and as a result they drain all the juice out of the ‘right now’ moment for both you and themselves.
The Mr or Ms Technique:
Some lovers are more sensitive but still focussed on the right techniques to get the job done rather than for the pure enjoyment of the act itself. The thing about the being totally technique based is that you can feel your lovers ‘detachment’, there is no real intimacy exchanged. No matter how good the technique is something is missing.
Mr or Ms Clueless:
This is the lover that has absolutely no idea what to do, perhaps from a lack of experience, some negative experiences or simply a fear of inadequacy. As a result they’re disconnected from their bodies and running fear based stores in their minds about what will go wrong, rather than being present with their lover.
This lover doesn’t have much idea how to go about oral love but they pretend they do and bull doze their way through, resulting in a less than satisfactory experience for both. Or they pretend they want to be there when they really don’t, with the same results.
The Do Gooder:
This is the needy or insecure lover who gives oral sex in order to get approval, love and attention from you, without which their sense of self is absent. Again, they are not really present in the act with you, they’re in their heads waiting for the love and approval to show up from you.
Your ‘Oh My God’ of pleasure is another score in the tally book for this lover who is always keeping tabs on who has given and who has received what. It may sound loving to want to keep the balance between giving and receiving equal but it ends up as a barter system with a “If you give me this then I’ll give you that” system which is anything but productive of genuine pleasure.
The Master Controller:
“I’m going to have and orgasm no matter what, I just have to try hard enough to make it happen”. This lover is desperate for pleasure and is going for it no matter what. And their mind oriented and control focussed approach will be doing two things: creating a tiring experience for the lover doing their best to support them and limiting their own capacity for pleasure. Because really big pleasure does not come from a place of mind control- nice orgasms can but the eye rolling, head back, screaming, shuddering full body and beyond orgasm comes only from surrender of the mind to the body and even the heart.
And, what good loving oral sex can look and feel like…
Any “master lover’s” oral technique starts way before they get to the coalface of their partner’s genitals. Their mindset is one of being really into pleasure, seeing it as play, joy, delight and a mutual exchange of energies.
Where giving and receiving blend into moments of pure enjoyment.
Where giving becomes receiving and receiving is an act of giving. Their focus is on letting go into the moment, surrendering their minds to their hearts and bodies, delighting in their senses.
They are not focussing on controlling their lover but offering to, teasing and savouring their lusciousness. Knowing they are making love to the whole person, not just a set of genitals.
With this approach the likely outcomes are:
The Master Oral Lover will enjoy themselves hugely and feel like they have received as much as given.
Their lover will feel seen, felt, ‘gotten’ as never before.
Technique becomes less important.
The two main techniques are:
1. Connecting with their own body first, breathing deeply, feeling their own heart and arousal, letting the love and arousal course gently through them so it will ‘resonate’ in their lover.
- For woman receiving, it is important to start as far from the centre of her genitals as possible, slowly making your way to her clitoris, or her sex centre. And for man receiving, including or connecting with his lingam or cock early, but spreading your touch away or out to include other areas to broaden his focus of pleasure and encourage his awareness of pleasure sensations through out the rest of his body.
No matter what happens later, the master oral Lover is present right now in this moment as the main event rather than the entree.
It is important for both, particularly the receiver, to focus on breathing.
While the giver is creating variety, teasing and taking time combining moving in really close with intensity then moving away again.
A master oral lover will instinctively want to include their lovers belly, thighs, breasts and butts in their touch.
As well as the pubic bone, perineum, and her outer and inner vaginal lips.
Balls and perineum for men and perhaps the anus for both (remembering hygiene if your touching your woman’s vagina afterwards).
An attentive oral lover will also intuitively feel the value of long, continued strokes when it’s feeling really good for their lover.
They make occasional eye contact, letting their lover know that they’re really with them.
They encourage their lover to breathe deeply into the pleasure, breathing short and fast for intensity and alternating with deep and slow for spreading the pleasure through their body.
Doing their own occasional pelvic floor contractions to stimulate their own sexual energy and imagine it flowing through them.
An attentive oral lover will know the value of including their hands on surrounding areas as mentioned above as well as the vaginal opening, her gpsot and the shaft of the lingam/cock.
An attentive oral lover will surrender into the moment and into their heart, which will hold and support their lover into receiving while letting go and surrendering deeper into their own heart connected pleasure.
Finding what it takes to go the distance…
Have you ever wondered what is behind the magic of lasting intimate relationships?
We believe it’s the re uniting of Sex and Love.
For this is where we get serious in relationship…seriously powerful at least!
Here we’ll explore how the separation of these two very dynamic, and in many ways very similar forces, sex and love, ultimately limits what we’re capable of in long term relationship. And in life itself, as this includes the relationship we have with ourselves as well.
We are born sensual, sexual, heart open bundles of feeling and love. Babies just beam love and have been seen under xray to self pleasure in the womb. They have no resistance at all to feeling. Over time our social conditioning and our desire to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable in intimate relationship causes us to separate our hearts from our genitals, whether we’re aware of it or not.
In the beginning of relationship it seems that sex and love are somehow effortlessly entwined. Love is flowing between partners and this desire flows easily into sex, we’re totally into each other, seeing heaven in each other’s eyes and wanting to touch and connect a lot of the time. This combination of fully open hearts and awakening desire is why the relating is so effortless and the sex usually the most frequent, as well as the most satisfying.
Over time in relationship little unresolved hurts, disappointments and rejections, that are natural when two unique individuals try to live together, occur that reduce this fully open flow. To keep ourselves safe from further hurt we unconsciously separate love and sex into two different places in order to protect where we now feel most vulnerable.
Men have sex whilst keeping their heart protected. Or they avoid wanting sex at all. Women avoid sex due to feeling a lack of intimacy and connection with their partner. Or they too seek sexual satisfaction purely through the mechanics of pleasure without involving their hearts. This has the twofold effect of making the desire to connect, either intimately or sexually or both, less likely to occur, and less fulfilling when it does happen, leaving couples feeling uncertain, frustrated and isolated.
The first step in reuniting sex and love is to recognize if this is happening for us or not.
The second is understanding the similarities of love and sex and perhaps taking them out of the socially conditioned boxes you currently have them in, freeing yourself up to connect more easily. This understanding can also help reduce the war of the sexes where men and women believe they are wanting different things when actually they’re not…
So what do we actually mean when we talk about sex and love, and isn’t it dangerous to re unite them?
Of course there are times when we need appropriate boundaries in both sex and love, but do we somehow over do it? Do we tie them up in neat little boxes in our minds to keep ourselves safe and in control, not realizing how we’re limiting ourselves in the process?
In intimate adult relationships, with personal boundaries respected, this combination is not dangerous, it’s the vital juice and the biggest gift in truly committed relationship…
In intimate relationship with ourselves uniting sex and love within us keeps us open hearted and empowered…
Defining Love and Sex…
Let’s take a closer look at each of these two powerful forces…
Love is extremely hard to define.
If asked probably each of us would come up with a different definition of love, which says a lot in itself. However love is generally seen to be a positive thing, part of man’s higher self. Ultimately we know love through the feeling experience of it, an experience that can be beyond even the greatest poets’ words.
Biologically: Love is a survival tool- a mechanism we’ve evolved as a species to promote long term relationships through a sense of safety and security, for our mutual defence and the safe raising of children. It’s a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst that we often seem to have no control over. Love is a cocktail of powerful chemicals for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding.
Psychologically: Love can be as simple as a shared cup of tea or as complex as that which helps define our innate desire to live. Love comes in many different forms, such as playful affection or romance, a desire to understand and support, or a deep bonding commitment. We can nurture love through acts of kindness, gratitude, goodwill and passion; we can receive it through the same. It can be highly personal as with friends and family, or in a moment of unique connection with a total stranger. It’s most personal in intimate relationship. Love can also be totally impersonal, such as a generalized love for humanity, country or God. We can experience love of the self, not as self centred, but being centred in ourselves, having respect for and taking care of who we are. Although love is healthy it’s inappropriate to put our need for love onto another.
Spiritually: Love is full of paradoxes. There is nothing love cannot face and there are things we cannot face at all without it. The experience of love is subjective, unique to each person, in each moment, as we experience it within us. It can be felt as warmth, fullness, a pleasant heaviness in the heart. It can equally be a feeling of unlimited freedom and expansion. We can experience it alone or with another, or unconditionally from God/Spirit. It is completely free yet is powerful enough to create bonds that extend beyond death. As infants we can literally die without loving touch; as adults we also die, at least on the inside, without it. Love is a mystery, it cannot be seen or measured, but it can be felt, and it transforms that which feels it. Love can be the greatest gift and the greatest tragedy.
We know love when we feel it.
Sex on the other hand is very easy to describe because we can see it.
Sex can refer to any activity in which sexual arousal occurs for the purpose of sexual gratification ie. the satisfaction of a sexual desire.
Yet ultimately we know sex as a feeling and an experience too, for there is much more to it than just what we see.
Unlike love, and despite the openness we have around sex these days there is still an element of ‘naughtiness’ or ‘being less than love’ about sex. And it happens in that shame based part of us, our genitals.
Biologically: Sex is also about the procreation of the species. Surprisingly it involves many of the same chemical processes as love for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding. Sex keeps us physically healthy through decreasing stress, reducing high blood pressure, increasing our immune function and much more. Pleasure also releases nitric oxide thought to be a powerful anti inflammatory agent and preventer of chronic disease.
Psychologically: Sex is Eros, passion and desire or erotic love, and is generally thought to be unsustainable over the long run (though we highly disagree with this!). Sex can be a wonderful antidepressant and de stressor. Sex provides us with opportunities to feel connected, secure, loved and powerful. It can be a boost to our self esteem. Like love, it is inappropriate to put our need for sex onto another. We can invite another into it but not force them. Sex isn’t the only way to feel loved, connected, secure and powerful whilst getting a boost to our self esteem, so psychologically we don’t need it but the combined biological, physical and emotional results speak for themselves. Sexual repression can create huge psychological torment, suffering and eventual disease. Sex is the juice/energy and passion for life, whether we’re just feeling it in ourselves, or doing it with another. .
Spiritually: The experience of sex is, like love, highly subjective and unique to each person, in each moment, as we experience it within us. It evokes a physical feeling of heat and tingling, aliveness, desire and expansion. We can experience it alone or with another. It can offer the deepest form of connection with ourselves or another. Sex and spirituality have long been in a very adversarial position with religion trying to control it and most spiritual traditions trying to suppress or transcend it. Except for Taoism which teaches sexual practices for health and longevity, and Tantra which views sex as spirit rather than something separate from it, to be used for the purposes of reaching enlightenment. Sex involves mystery as it cannot be seen or measured but can be felt, and it transforms that which feels it. Sex too can be the greatest gift or the greatest tragedy.
See where Love and Sex are Similar:
- They’re both subjective, unique to each person, in each moment of experience
- They’re experienced as both an internal feeling and an external action
- We can experience them alone or with another
- They come with a strong desire to share with another
- We can be with another person with each having identical or completely different experiences at the same time
- Each are a cocktail of the same powerful chemicals for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding
- They’re both tools for survival, we will die faster and eventually altogether as a species without them
- They can both benefit our health and longevity
- They are powerful neurological conditions like hunger or thirst that we seem to have little real control over
- They’re both beyond the mind yet we can also consciously choose to create them
- They both work best when aligned with respect
- They both involve mystery, they cannot be seen or measured but can be felt and transforms that which feels it
- Both are very powerful forces and can be the greatest gift (with an open mind and heart) or the greatest tragedy (with a closed mind and heart)
- we can experience them both separately AND at the same time
- Both can be seen as very human AND equally part of the Divine in life (we say divinely human)
Of course there are differences as well.
Love occurs in the upper part of the body, sex in the lower
Love can occur at a distance, sex needs to be up close (although technology is helping to change that)
We can love many people at once, no matter their age, sex, race, religion etc. Sex is generally with one person at a time.
Love is a force of good, sex more often a force of something bad, dirty, even immoral
Love is more about another, sex is more about us.
Love can be more subtle, more mysterious, sex tends to be more direct (unless you’re Tantric!)
Sex and Love are still not as separate as we might like to think from our conditioning…
– Sex is the fire that can intensify the love we feel
– Love is the magic we can feel that takes sex to another level
When we close down one, we limit the other.
When we build on one, we build on the other.
To go the distance in long term, committed relationship we benefit from bringing them together and enhancing each (no small thing).
To live a full, vibrant and aware life we need both, whether we act our sexual desire out in sex, in self love or simply in a passion for life.
How does this topic make you feel? What judgments came up for you?
Explore your own reactions and you’ll be sure to learn something.
At Oztantra we can teach you the skills to open more to both. Skills that involve understanding, feeling, breathing, mindfulness, presence, awareness, clarity, honesty, vulnerability, allowing, pleasure, acceptance, gratitude and surrender of the mind to the opening of the heart.
This is learning that never ends (for us too) and will keep you living and loving for a lifetime.
To learn more check out our Online Relationship Course, specialist relationship support in your own home!
Often we think personal boundaries are just about protecting ourselves but they’re actually much more than that. They’re vital to building and sustaining a succulent relationship.
Personal boundaries have several purposes:
- They ARE tools for protecting our essential Self. It’s where we say ‘No’ in life.
- They help us see ourselves, where we stretch and grow
- They show other people who we are, rather than who we ‘should’ be.
- Our boundaries are the way we teach others how we wish to be treated.
- Setting boundaries helps us feel safe and respected enough to fully engage in relationship rather than pull away from it.
Our personal boundaries, just like everyone else’s, are particularly unique to us, as a result of our individual personality and our life experiences. Because boundaries are so personal we don’t need to justify or defend them to anyone else, as we’re just maintaining your essential Self. Our boundaries are about us, so it is up to us to maintain them, knowing that each time we do so we love ourselves, and those around us.
Getting clear on boundaries is a healthy and normal part of relating.
Reasons why we can have difficulties with boundaries are:
- Not being present or connected to our feeling bodies enough to ‘sense’ our boundaries, or another’s
- a lack of understanding and/or practice
- a lack of role modelling
- having our boundaries regularly crossed at an early age eg. by a smothering, over caring parent, an immature parent who required their emotional needs to be met by the child, children parented in an ambivalent attachment style, being emotionally abandoned or having experienced some form of sexual abuse makes it hard to know we have any.
- People who have difficulty with their own boundaries will unconsciously have difficulty in seeing and respecting the boundaries of others
- We will experience boundary crosses as adults but our childhood experiences remain primary, as our bodies remember and drive our future behaviour, unless we bring it to our awareness.
Identifying a boundary is looking for a contraction or a ‘no’ in our body. Sometimes this ‘no’ can be a little whisper and others it can feel like a freight train roaring through us. We have boundaries in all areas of our lives, from saying no to another committee in order to have more rest during our week to saying no to a particular sexual practice that doesn’t feel right for us.
There are two things boundaries are not:
Boundaries are NOT about trying to control our partner’s behaviour:
They’re not about trying to impose our standards of behaviour onto our partner. Attempting to do this is both a manipulation and an invalidation of who our partners are- as we’re saying we need them to be different from who they are for us to love them, and it’s a very unloving thing to do.
So when you’re setting a boundary ask yourself- is this about me or am I making it about them??
Boundaries are not about avoiding relationship:
When we’re setting a boundary it is not to be used to protect yourself from engaging with your partner in order to avoid being uncomfortable. This is simply avoidance with a manipulative label.
For example you can set a boundary around not having a difficult conversation by requesting a delay:
– until you have more time
– feel more rested
– or clearer in yourself etc
Then set a time when you will be willing to. This is saying ‘no’ to look after yourself, but is not a total rejection of your partners desires. Make sure you follow through with the conversation at a later time, rather than forget about or avoid it altogether, which shows respect for both yourself and your partner.
As you can see, boundaries don’t really work unless we’re willing to identify, state and stand up for them. It is through practice that our boundaries become clear to ourselves and to others.
Our boundaries are about us
Remembering too that they’re our boundaries, and whilst it can be challenging at times for us to remain aware of them, think about how much harder it can be for our partners. Our partners have a totally different set of boundaries to ours and they won’t necessarily automatically understand or remember ours. Or vice versa.
However it is important that you review your own boundaries as they can change from time to time, even moment by moment. Relationship will challenge your boundaries more than anything else. For example if your boundary is never going to a football match with your partner could this change if your best friend’s son is playing in the match? Or if sitting on the couch with your partner after dinner rather than in your armchair feels different tonight because of how close you have become with them lately?
What if I offend my partner by saying ‘No’?
When you boundary is a clear ‘no’ for you, without manipulation or avoidance, it is important to look after yourself first and your partner’s response is their business. They may be hurt or pissed off but if you are genuine they will ultimately feel and respect you for it. If they really want the best for you they will support you in setting it. If not, then you have some bigger questions to ask yourself about your relationship.
Playing Hula Hoop!
One habit that can be particularly relevant from people in relationship is that of crossing boundaries by speaking about ‘we’, when we mean ‘me’, or even worse, living through our partner by talking about them all the time to other’s rather than talking about ourselves. Occasionally is ok of course, but don’t make a habit of it. Otherwise you’re missing out on YOU!. Either of these is a fast track to enmeshment and loss of sense of self.
To avoid this relationship trap, when speaking in, or about your relationship imagine yourself and your partner in two separate hula hoops and only speak about what is in your hula hoop. Leave anything about them strictly in theirs.
How to set a boundary:
Once you’ve identified your boundary how do you go about letting the other person know about it?
If it’s a boundary that is already known to you simply connect with it in yourself, look the person in the eye and state your boundary clearly. It’s helpful if you can say no to the idea but not to the person:
eg. No, I can’t have dinner with you this week, but I’d love to catch up next week, is that possible for you? or
No, I can’t have dinner with you but I appreciate you asking.
If it’s a boundary that you find only after it’s been crossed:
– Ask the person were they aware that they …ie. had raised their voice to you with out your agreement?
If not just let them know you would like them to ask next time.
– If it happens again ask them to stop as it is not ok for you.
– If it happens again tell them to stop
– If they don’t, tell them to stop or…find a consequence that will impact but not punish them
eg. Or I will withdraw from this conversation, and come back to it later.
Boundaries can take some training, it’s up to you, and remember there are gifts in it for you too!
Boundary Riding Activities:
Review one or two of your boundaries and ask yourself:
Is it working? If not, are you maintaining it? Is it really a manipulation?
Is this still a boundary for you, or has it become a wall?
Has anything changed from when you first set this boundary?
Is it there to support you or is it limiting you?
Is it still required or have you outgrown it?
If removing it feels like too big a step is there a smaller step you could take?
If setting boundaries of any kind are difficult for you then start small and practice, practice, practice! The benefits will amaze you.
And remember, the more you can say ‘no’ the more joyous your ‘yes’ will be!
For assistance in your boundary riding contact Annette & Graeme for a Skype session today…