Oztantra Blog – Love Sex & Passionate Relationships

Sexual Healing

February 11, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sexual Healing, the Myth…

As a man, and a sexual male who is in a long term and committed relationship, I find it challenging to hear and read the current debate around sexual healing by male “healers” with women.

With this in mind, I have decided to speak out as a professional who works with men and women, both singles and those in long term relationships.

Sexual Healing Sessions

I have had many sessions with men and women, both as couples and singles, and most importantly on my own or with my partner Annette.

Either way, always following up with debriefing about my experience with her.

I am also speaking from my place in my long term relationship with Annette, who is my lover, teacher, critic and business partner.

How I show up with her is my measure in how I am with a client, as it is also with her and her clients.

The relationship we share is a powerful space of deep clarity, challenge and compassion, and a gift that we both bring into our work.

We are “owner operators” in every sense of the phrase…..

Don’t get me wrong, I have on many occasions had sessions that involved varying degrees of nakedness and sexual touch.

One thing that I have not heard, in any of this “debate” around male sexual healers, is just how powerful a sexual healing experience can be for a woman, where she is fully clothed and not being physically touched.

How would it be, for you as woman to feel safe, and sexual in a way that is invited by a space that is clear, intense and healing?

Where the healing is in simply experiencing a deeply personal loving open hearted man in his sexuality, without personal agenda?

Where the opening is to herself rather than to the man, in a space held by clear masculine presence ?

“The myth is that sexual healing must involve nakedness or sexual touch, even sexual penetration”.

In fact, I believe the exact opposite is true in most cases.

Sexual Healing is not about sex

It is healing simply for a woman to be penetrated by clear masculine sexual heart presence while remaining fully clothed and not being physically touched.

In this space of not having sex, but in feeling her sexuality opening deeply as she opens her heart to herself, especially in a space held by deeply personal and loving masculine heart space.

Experiencing the difference between “universal” love and “deeply personal” love is a big part of what sexual healing is about, particularly while being held by clear healthy masculine presence, and this is not about having sex or even being sexual.

How many women have opened their hearts, only to have it quickly closed down by unconscious sex ?

Remembering, that most women have been hurt by unconscious men, and in too many cases, this masculine shadow or unconsciousness can also be cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Abuse can happen when the woman opens to the healer rather than herself and is where she may loose herself and be susceptible to being taken advantage of.

Especially when she is moving towards her sexual empowerment and freedom.

Opening to herself

Clothed or not, a woman opening to herself will soon feel and tell a man with a hidden agenda where to go with it!

Over the years through our work, I have had many conversations with men “desiring” to learn the art of sexual healing and with out exception my direction with them is to learn about their own sexual heart connection first.

How many women out there want to do something sexually empowering for themselves, but don’t want to have to bare their souls to more of the same, especially if it is even more cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Increasingly, people and particularly women have become fed up with the co dependancy that has plagued the modern Tantra movement and are expecting more depth and clarity from their experiences.

As a woman, simply trust your feelings first and foremost, and seek out a session that brings YOU in touch with your own awareness, coming into your feeling body and your heart, then from that place, connecting with what it is that you desire for yourself.

Infidelity: Can you recover?

February 9, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Infidelity is one of the last remaining taboos in relationship.

We have a lot more flexibility in relationship styles than ever before yet somehow infidelity, being unfaithful whilst in relationship, still packs a huge wallop…

It is really painful to find out your partners been involved with another. For it occurs in the very personal and most intimate parts of what you thought was your relationship. It’s a big blow to our self esteem, especially if it becomes public. Even more so with relationships now being totally based on romantic or personal love, infidelity feels like the ultimate form of rejection and shame.

How could they have done this to me? To us? Don’t they love me anymore? What have I done wrong? Am I just not good enough? How dare they?

These are the questions in infidelity that roll around in our heads.

For the person who’s had the affair the thoughts can be just as painful. How could I have hurt the person that I love most in the world? How could I have been such a cheat?

Infidelity is a real blow to the ideal of ‘happy ever after’, it cuts right to the heart of relationship.

And the other question both people are asking: Can I/we get over this?

Deciding whether to work on your relationship or head out the door is the choice you now face.

It often seems easier to bolt out the door but it isn’t necessarily in the long run. Understanding the dynamics of affairs in general and in your relationship in particular will help you make a healthier decision.

The first thing to understand about affairs is:

They trigger a huge amount of shame, of feeling wrong for both the doer and one who’s been done to. Shame is one of the most uncomfortable feelings of all to deal with. It makes us want to curl up inside and disappear because we feel so wrong! It’s important to remember that shame IS just a feeling and when we recognize it and see it for what it is, being willing to make it ok, we can reduce its intensity enough to see what is going on more clearly we're just friends

Affairs are not new, they’ve have been around as long as relationships. It seems as humans they’re hard to avoid. People in otherwise ‘happy’ relationships have affairs. Even people in so called ‘open’ relationships have them. Perhaps the very ideal of relationship, of coupledom invites the situation- from being so much the couple people having affairs report striking out for something that is just ‘theirs’.

That’s the second important thing to know.

Even though hurt is the end result the person having the affair probably isn’t doing it to hurt you.

It’s important to see, even in your hurt, that the affair probably wasn’t done to hurt you.

People having affairs don’t so much turn away from their partners as much as look for something missing in themselves. Affairs are less about the actual sex than about the desire to want/feel wanted, to feel special, important, the mystery of having what is forbidden. And especially to feel fully alive again.

They feel disconnected from their partner, in relationship but not really relating
Being bored in their lives OR in their relationship
Not feeling sexually desired or desirable
Not able to discuss this with their partner to find a way forward in the relationship
They might feel undervalued by their partner, unneeded or overwhelmed by their partners needs
Occasionally there might be a more serious inability to sustain relationship at all that results in repeated affairs and requires more serious attention.

Affairs seem to be the attractive solution to the all of above issues.

Especially that feeling of edgy aliveness that can become addictive and hard to give up, even when the affair is no longer so ‘hot’. It seems impossible to find that in the existing relationship that’s settled into a place of routine.

So what should you do in this situation?

You have to be able to let go of the need for punishing your partner and playing the role of victim (as tempting as it might appear to pour acid all over their car or expose them as a traitor all over Facebook) as this is going to destroy any chance of your re-establishing a healthy dynamic.
Know that you are the only one that can heal YOUR hurt because it is inside you. It is your choice to hold onto it or not. Your partner cannot do this for you, only you can. Part of this healing is taking a look at ways you might have contributed, not to the affair, but to the place in your relationship that made the affair a possibility. Betrayal comes in many forms- indifference, avoidance, criticism, manipulation etc. An essential but not an easy thing to do when we feel so wronged. Once there is more understanding forgiveness can happen.
Your partner CAN help by showing genuine remorse for the hurt you’ve felt. Sometimes they may not feel real remorse for the affair itself. This is when it has brought new aliveness, new clarity in the individual who has had the affair. And where it brings new potential in your existing relationship, to bringing things out in the open that were otherwise killing it. It can be hard to see for the person hurting in the infidelity but this can be where the most potential lies for healing.
Your partner can also help by being willing to restore and maintain the boundaries in your relationship in order to rebuild your trust. Remember this is only part of the healing, if this is all that happens it is not a solution it’s a time bomb waiting to go off.
You need to resolve the underlying issues that led to the affair. Discover what led to the choice being made and what can you each do to prevent the situation happening again. And find the things that you value about your relationship with each other. Learn how you can bring the aliveness, the freedom, the connection, the mystery into your own relationship.

The outcome of an affair is up to both of you.

Sometimes an affair is simply the outward sign of a relationship that needs to end.

More often it can be the beginning of something stronger than ever before.

It won’t be as easy as walking out the door but the rewards can be many.

So, can you get over infidelity?

Possibly.

Should you try? Most definitely.

To deal with the affair and at least try to move forward is actually far braver and harder than just giving up and leaving.

Oztantra have a number of ways to support you in doing just that, including our Online Relationship Course

Shifting from Work Mode to Desire

February 9, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

How do you make the transition from a hard day at work to sexual desire…

To a “Hard Day’s Night” in bed, as The Beatles once sang??

It’s one of the questions we get asked a lot- where to find desire.

How do you make the transition from work to a desire for pleasure…

Unfortunately it is all too easy to put it in the too hard basket and flake out in front of the TV or your laptop instead for those few minutes of ‘me’ time.

Or you might make an approach to your partner and their instant rejection of the idea crushes any tentative desires that may have been surfacing…

Yet if we stop making the effort, if we allow work, life and our resistance to be more important than each other we end up living in a relationship that we don’t really want.

And that is suffering.

In the long run it is worth it to make the effort in our relationships now…

We answer the question with something like this…

The most potent aphrodisiac is being seen, heard and valued.
It leads almost automatically into wanting and being wanted.
We offer you the following foreplay…

Step 1: How do you start?

Firstly it’s important to have a ritual that can separate your working day from your intimate home space.

This will look different for each of us as individuals, it will be likely different between men and women, and different again if a working parent is coming home to a stay at home parent.
Each person will have different needs and desires, and this is normal.
Foreplay for the stay at home parent may be help washing the kids or putting them to bed and reading them a story.
The working partner may need time and space to decompress after a hectic day in the rat race, or a chance to debrief their day.
What ever this may look like is up to each couple to discuss and work out, especially if there are children involved.

If you make creating space together a priority eventually it will be easy as it becomes more familiar.
Nb. Having something simple and energizing to look forward to can make getting the necessities done happen as quickly and efficiently as possible!

Step 2: Now get together and get real:

This is not a discussion or a talk fest, it’s much more straightforward and immediate.

Simply begin with sitting down opposite each other, facing each other directly. This allows your body’s energy systems to move into alignment without doing anything other than just sitting there breathing. (Holding hands is optional).

You don’t have to be comfortable when you start, just start!

This may create some intensity, especially if your need for each other’s company is not being met and fulfilled because “life” is getting in the way, which can be an indication that you’re long overdue to start this process.

Step 3: Connect with yourself

Each close your eyes, take several deep breaths, breathing down into your bellies, in through your noses and out through your mouths.
Notice how your bodies are feeling physically- what are the actual sensations present inside you- tiredness, tension, stress, discomfort, no feeling, warmth, coldness, pain, relaxation.
Keep breathing and notice how you’re feeling emotionally- what sensations are you aware of in your belly, chest or throat? Irritation, anxiety, frustration, nervousness, sadness, happiness, ease, etc.
Whatever you’re feeling make it ok. Literally tell it it’s ok with your mind.
Take another breath or two and feel your sensations shift into a place of ease perhaps.

Step 4: Share with your Partner what you’re experiencing

Open your eyes and when your partner’s ready tell them what you’re experiencing in your body. Tell them without judging it or expecting anything from them. Hear what your partner is experiencing without judging or analyzing it, just hear it and let it in.

Step 5: Connect with your desires…

Once you’ve each shared what is happening take a few moments of staying connected with your bodies to notice what your desires might be right now.

Step 6: Share them

Share your desires from this place of feeling them in yourself.
Nb. This is not about putting your desires onto the other person to make happen, just sharing what is real for you.

Again just hear each other without judgement.
Or if you do have a judgment let it go and focus on the person and what they’re feeling instead.

Your desires can be different…very different!

Maybe one partner would like to snuggle up on the couch with a glass of wine and chat…
Maybe the other would like to slowly stroke their partner’s ass and enter their wet, juicy cave with a hot cock…

Perhaps one would like help with the dishes and clearing up the kitchen.
Whilst their partner would like to cozy up to some porn, talk dirty, build the excitement and finishing by coming in waves of pleasure…

One may simply want to sit and watch tv together.
The other may want to feel totally shaken, disturbed, taken over, wantonly taken.

Or one wants to be lazily stroked all over, told how beautiful they are, kissed all over, rising to a delicious orgasm.
And the other wants to rip their clothes off, suck their nipples hard and fuck them…

These are just examples they can be any desire at all…Even if you just want to lie down and sleep. Feeling it and acknowledging it can help it to shift. The most important thing to do here is to let your partner’s desires filter through you without going into a story about them.

Despite what it looks like you are both speaking the same language.
You both want to feel good.

Even if her desires invite boredom or resistance. Even if his fill you with shame or disgust.
Our society has conditioned us to think otherwise but our desires don’t need to be separate.
They are all just desire.
For energy to flow it needs a ‘Yes”.
Tantra is the language of presence, of acceptance, of melding two into one…

Keep eye contact and breathe…
This is about sharing desires not trying to make them happen. Just be in the moment, real, aware. Open.
Share another desire, and another…

Feel what is behind the words

It can tell you even more than the words themselves. Feel the mutual desire for something sweet, hot, precious, pleasurable, uplifting, opening, state changing. Or maybe even a good laugh arising between the two of you, for laughter is very clearing…

Breathe into your heart and into your genitals.

Feel your heart melting into the excitement of sexual desire. Not disappearing, being fired up.
Feel sexual desire rising into connection with your heart- still powerful, still erotic yet transformed into something bigger, freer, full of untapped potential.

Enjoy the moment exactly as it is, right here, right now…

See and feel each other desiring…

If you like breathe the feelings up into your third eye, directly between your eyes, feel its quality change again. Lean forward and share it with your partner in a (third eye to third eye) Tantric kiss.

Step 7: From here decide what comes next

Connected with your bodies, minds, hearts, sexuality and with each other your desires might be closer than you could have imagined.

Whatever happens you’ve already had a win…

To find out more ways to connect and nurture your relationship check out our Sexuality of the Heart Weekend Workshop Feb 19-21 2016

Mind Blowing Oral Sex

January 26, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

For truly enjoyable, even inspiring Oral Sex

Forget about the best oral sex techniques you read in Cosmo or Men’s Health…

It’s not so much what or how you give and receive oral, but most importantly where you’re coming from when you’re giving it…

And, this is not another on of those “Sex Tip articles with 10 instant success techniques”….

Instead, we’re going to explore where you’re coming from when you’re going down, and how that may look…

What doesn’t work:

The Performer:

This lover is not actually giving you head they’re taking from you…they’re making you feel good so they can too. they want to give you such a great orgasm (whether you really enjoy it or not) that their view of themselves as a hot lover is reaffirmed. Afterwards you can feel taken from rather than given to.

The Juice Extractor:

These lovers are all about the agenda- the oral sex is for one reason and one reason only- it’s the warm up for the ‘real’ sex act of penetration. So their actions are always done with a focus of getting somewhere else that’s better and as a result they drain all the juice out of the ‘right now’ moment for both you and themselves.

The Mr or Ms Technique:

Some lovers are more sensitive but still focussed on the right techniques to get the job done rather than for the pure enjoyment of the act itself. The thing about the being totally technique based is that you can feel your lovers ‘detachment’, there is no real intimacy exchanged. No matter how good the technique is something is missing.

Mr or Ms Clueless:

This is the lover that has absolutely no idea what to do, perhaps from a lack of experience, some negative experiences or simply a fear of inadequacy. As a result they’re disconnected from their bodies and running fear based stores in their minds about what will go wrong, rather than being present with their lover.

The Faker:

This lover doesn’t have much idea how to go about oral love but they pretend they do and bull doze their way through, resulting in a less than satisfactory experience for both. Or they pretend they want to be there when they really don’t, with the same results.

The Do Gooder:

This is the needy or insecure lover who gives oral sex in order to get approval, love and attention from you, without which their sense of self is absent. Again, they are not really present in the act with you, they’re in their heads waiting for the love and approval to show up from you.

The Bookkeeper:

Your ‘Oh My God’ of pleasure is another score in the tally book for this lover who is always keeping tabs on who has given and who has received what. It may sound loving to want to keep the balance between giving and receiving equal but it ends up as a barter system with a “If you give me this then I’ll give you that” system which is anything but productive of genuine pleasure.

The Master Controller:

“I’m going to have and orgasm no matter what, I just have to try hard enough to make it happen”. This lover is desperate for pleasure and is going for it no matter what. And their mind oriented and control focussed approach will be doing two things: creating a tiring experience for the lover doing their best to support them and limiting their own capacity for pleasure. Because really big pleasure does not come from a place of mind control- nice orgasms can but the eye rolling, head back, screaming, shuddering full body and beyond orgasm comes only from surrender of the mind to the body and even the heart.

And, what good loving oral sex can look and feel like…

Any “master lover’s” oral technique starts way before they get to the coalface of their partner’s genitals. Their mindset is one of being really into pleasure, seeing it as play, joy, delight and a mutual exchange of energies.

Where giving and receiving blend into moments of pure enjoyment.

Where giving becomes receiving and receiving is an act of giving. Their focus is on letting go into the moment, surrendering their minds to their hearts and bodies, delighting in their senses.

They are not focussing on controlling their lover but offering to, teasing and savouring their lusciousness. Knowing they are making love to the whole person, not just a set of genitals.

With this approach the likely outcomes are:

The Master Oral Lover will enjoy themselves hugely and feel like they have received as much as given.

Their lover will feel seen, felt, ‘gotten’ as never before.

Technique becomes less important.
The two main techniques are:
1. Connecting with their own body first, breathing deeply, feeling their own heart and arousal, letting the love and arousal course gently through them so it will ‘resonate’ in their lover.

For woman receiving, it is important to start as far from the centre of her genitals as possible, slowly making your way to her clitoris, or her sex centre. And for man receiving, including or connecting with his lingam or cock early, but spreading your touch away or out to include other areas to broaden his focus of pleasure and encourage his awareness of pleasure sensations through out the rest of his body.

No matter what happens later, the master oral Lover is present right now in this moment as the main event rather than the entree.

It is important for both, particularly the receiver, to focus on breathing.

While the giver is creating variety, teasing and taking time combining moving in really close with intensity then moving away again.

A master oral lover will instinctively want to include their lovers belly, thighs, breasts and butts in their touch.

As well as the pubic bone, perineum, and her outer and inner vaginal lips.

Balls and perineum for men and perhaps the anus for both (remembering hygiene if your touching your woman’s vagina afterwards).

An attentive oral lover will also intuitively feel the value of long, continued strokes when it’s feeling really good for their lover.

They make occasional eye contact, letting their lover know that they’re really with them.

They encourage their lover to breathe deeply into the pleasure, breathing short and fast for intensity and alternating with deep and slow for spreading the pleasure through their body.

Doing their own occasional pelvic floor contractions to stimulate their own sexual energy and imagine it flowing through them.

An attentive oral lover will know the value of including their hands on surrounding areas as mentioned above as well as the vaginal opening, her gpsot and the shaft of the lingam/cock.

An attentive oral lover will surrender into the moment and into their heart, which will hold and support their lover into receiving while letting go and surrendering deeper into their own heart connected pleasure.

Enjoy…..

« Previous Page