Relationship Counselling

OZ tantra

  • About
    • About Oz Tantra – Tantric Relationship Advice
    • Annette and Graeme are Relationship counsellors
      • About Graeme Sudholz
      • About Annette Baulch
  • Relationship Counseling
    • Relationship Counselling
      • Relationship Communication
      • Making a Good Thing Better
        • More Intimate Sex
      • Recreating The Spark
      • The Kids Have Left Home
      • We Can’t Stop Fighting
      • I Don’t Love You Any More
      • The Power of Reverse Polarity in Relationship
      • Relationship Juice
      • Relationship Apathy
      • Breathwork Sessions Relationship Counselling
      • Rural Relationship Advice with Skype
    • Healing trauma in Banks Creek
    • Couples Ultimate Getaways Byron Bay
    • Skype Counselling
    • Couples Retreat Australia Ecstasy & Intimacy
    • Tantra Prevents Boredom in the Bedroom…
      • Our sex life is boring
      • More Intimate Sex
      • mmm…Sexploration
      • I want to have an orgasm
      • How can I Last Longer in Sex
      • I Can’t Get It Up Anymore
    • Sex Counselling
      • Healing Sexual Abuse
      • Mismatched Libidos
      • Ecstasy Unveiled in You
      • Sexual Healing
        • Yoni Healing for Women
        • Lingam Healing – Oz Tantra
        • Sexual Surrogacy
    • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
    • Emotional Intelligence, What is it?
      • Learning Vital Feeling Skills
      • Anger
      • Depression…making light of it
      • Domestic Violence
    • Man Talk
    • Oz Tantra newsletters
    • Oztantra V.I.P
    • Oz Tantra newsletters
  • Tantra
    • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like?
      • Tantric Coaching online
      • Couples Tantra Sessions
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Women
      • Individual Tantric Sessions for Men
    • What Is Tantra?
    • Tantra Prevents Boredom in the Bedroom…
      • Our sex life is boring
      • mmm…Sexploration
      • I want to have an orgasm
      • I Can’t Get It Up Anymore
      • How can I Last Longer in Sex
    • Multi Orgasmic Man
      • Tantric Lover – Oz Tantra podcasts
    • Preventing Premature Ejaculation
      • Multi Orgasmic Man
      • Tantric Sex for Men – Podcasts
      • Separating Ejaculation and Orgasm
    • Gspot
      • Power of Yoni – Explore the essence of who you are as a woman
    • Couples Ultimate Getaways Byron Bay
    • Individual Tantra Sessions For Couples and Singles
    • Sexual Healing
      • Yoni Healing for Women
      • Lingam Healing
      • Beating Pornography Addiction
      • Healthy Orgasm, Orgasm as Healing
      • Sexual Surrogacy
    • Oztantra V.I.P
    • The Art of Self Pleasure
    • Tantric Honouring
    • Tantric Lover – Oz Tantra
    • Cobra Breath – The Cosmic Cobra Breath
  • Events
    • Couples Ultimate Getaways Byron Bay
    • Workshop Schedule
    • Retreats
      • Ecstasy and Intimacy Couples Retreat Bali
      • Couples Retreat Australia Ecstasy & Intimacy
      • Transformation and Initiation
      • Passion and Grace Week Long Retreat
    • Weekend Workshops
      • Couples Ultimate Getaways Byron Bay
      • Power of Yoni – Explore the essence of who you are as a woman
      • Sexuality of the Heart
    • Couples Tantra Sessions
    • Oz Tantra newsletters
    • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
    • Oztantra V.I.P
    • Tantric Lover – Oz Tantra
    • Date Night
    • Oztantra Webinar’s – Relationship and Sexuality
  • Blogs
    • Blogs
    • Videos
    • Tantric Lover Podcasts
    • Oz Tantra newsletters
  • Contact
    • Contact Us – Annette and Graeme at Oz Tantra
    • Oz Tantra newsletters
You are here: Home / Oztantra Blog

Erection Problems

July 12, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Your erections have been the one thing in life you’ve always been able to rely on…

The part of you that always rises to the occasion no matter what.Erection probelms

Except for the very rare night when you might have had way too much to drink… they’ve even shown up when you didn’t particularly want them to, walking past a cute girl on school sports day in your speedos or for absolutely no reason at all at the dinner table… Now, all of a sudden in your 50’s, or maybe even in your 40’s you’re starting to notice a troubling new trend. Orgasm takes longer to reach, erections take longer to arrive or are less reliable. Sometimes, occasionally, in fact not very often but often enough to be a concern, your erection has chosen not to show up. Your lover’s been very understanding but you find it highly embarrassing just the same. If you think about it you realize it’s been awhile since you last woke in the night with a nice, strong “woody”. Perhaps masturbating has become less frequent and more porn dependent. Fears of erection problems are looming for the first time. We show you what you can do about them.

So what’s going on here? Many things actually. The main thing is to realize is that your body is talking to you and you’d better stop and listen or these gentle hints it’s giving you will become a baseball bat and eventually a Mack truck!

Erections Do Come & Go

erection problemsDespite what we see in porn it is normal in real life sex for erections to come and go (other than when you’ve come and gone for all money…) It’s NORMAL. Porn has put some unrealistic expectations out there, making it seem like erections need to be rock hard and constant. However, in porn the use of Viagra is rife, along with what are called “fluffers”, people employed to help get a male porn actors erection back when it drops and where, when erections are lost the filming is simply cut and edited to appear there is no pause. Making love is a real life event, and like nature, there are ebbs and flows within it. Especially when we stop performing and get more present and more real.

If it’s more than just having a down moment…

Let’s take a look at what could be happening. And remember that underlying all the possible causes we’ll discuss is the fact that your erections are created from your sexual or life force energy. Yes, we understand it is about the amount of blood filling your penis, the health of your blood vessels, the nervous system involved etc. But underneath all this lies your energetic wellbeing, the part of you that fires your passion, motivation, your sense of masculine self and your YES to life.

How is Your Physical Health?

The first thing to look at is your overall health. You’re no longer Mr Indestructible and your cock is one of the first parts of your body to be affected so listen to the messages it’s giving you. How fit are you? Do you get regular exercise (especially of the high unhealthy man leads to erection problemsintensity and weight lifting kind), eat enough vegetables, drink plenty of water, minimize your sugar, smoking and alcohol intake? When was the last time you had a checkup with the Dr? Strong links have been found between men who don’t exercise, and who have high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes so rule these out or get them treated. Also some medications for high blood pressure, depression, pain relief and allergies can cause erectile problems so if this is you ask your Dr for a different kind of treatment. If you knew your cock depended on it, would you be willing to make some healthier lifestyle choices??

Male menopause: more Drs are now accepting that whilst men don’t go through the same clearly defined process of menopause as women do, they definitely experience a slow reducing of their testosterone levels, beginning around 45-50 and peaking around the age of 70yrs. Symptoms of low testosterone are reduced libido, fatigue, weakness and depression. Testosterone injections can help reduce these.

Also review your emotional wellbeing.

How are your stress levels and how do you manage them? Do you find yourself frequently angry or anxious? What do you do emotional problems lead to erection issueswith your anger- express it, suppress it or be healthy in it? When was the last time you took time out for yourself or had a holiday? Are you doing a job you love or merely existing? What are you passionate about these days? When do you have fun? How do you see yourself as a man? All vital questions.

How is your relationship with your partner? Do you feel in a good place, a bit disconnected or is there a growing gap between you with unresolved issues simmering along under the surface? Do you have unexpressed resentment toward them? Take a risk and talk about them. Many more relationships die from a lack of argument than from too much. It may get messy at first but at least you can look for a solution.

And importantly, take a look at your sex life.

What kind of sex are you having? Are you still trying to have sex the same way at 50 that you were at 20? All hot and horny, Touch can be the beginning in Tantrausing sex to unconsciously release your emotional “stress”? Are you goal focussed, getting it up and heading straight for the end result before collapsing into sleep? Do you believe that having a long, strong erection is all your lover is looking for from you? Are you using porn to feed your desire with fantasy? Do you masturbate regularly with a “get it up and over and done with’ approach?vIf you’re doing any of these things it’s because of how you’ve been conditioned by society to go about it. Understand that each of these methods are going to take you away from a fully realized sexual potential (and a more powerful erection) and need to change. Slowing down, being less goal focussed, dropping porn for a few months, performing less and feeling more in yourself will change your experience of sex. Take more deep breaths. Be willing to be vulnerable, let your heart open. All things you might have wanted to avoid in the past but your body is telling now is the time…

The Obvious Solution

Blue pills for female desire and arousalOne of the most common ways of managing a loss of or inconsistent erection is the use of Viagra. There is no doubt that Viagra will give you more of a reliable erection. However, if you focus on great sex being all around your erection then you’re missing a big part of what making love is all about. We have spoken at length elsewhere about men’s sexual potential and how having a deeper relationship with both your cock and your heart (remember the heart disease and erectile dysfunction link?) will enable you to build new life into your erections without the use of chemicals.

There are occasions where Viagra is a viable solution for serious erectile issues related to disease development such a diabetes and prostate cancer. We just suggest you just don’t make it your first, or only, port of call…

So the next time your penis goes soft don’t panic

Don’t judge the poor thing.

Man in mudGive it a rest for a few minutes, relax and see if it comes back of its own accord. In the meantime spend the time connecting with your lover, either offering them your touch with your hands and/or tongue. After a while you can self pleasure to see if your erection wants to come back. Even better, just be in total stillness and deep breathe, connect with the inside of you. Notice any feelings that might be there and give yourself permission to feel them. If nothing is there experience nothing, in doing this nothing can subtly become something wonderful, as it gives time for our hearts to open and deeper levels of consciousness to be experienced. You can also become more aware of the finer feelings of sexual energy moving between you.

Lingam Massage can help

One of the underlying factors in penis performance is a build up of tension around your genitals from long standing habits of tensing up, hard thrusting in sex and sitting a lot. What this does is that it builds tension in the sexual muscles, most notably your inner thighs, lower belly, groin and especially in your perineum. Your perineum is the area between your balls and yourmale genitalia drawing anus, under which your prostate, the seat of your male sexuality lives. This tension builds up so slowly over time that often you don’t even know it’s there. It can lead into a form of genital numbness directly affecting your sexual performance.  So get into the habit of massaging these areas as part of your sexual health maintenance.  Start gently if they’re painful, or more firmly if they’re numb to loosen and free up the tension here.  Spread your legs, pull your knees up, turn your toes outward all help you to get in there. Using oil can be more effective and more comfortable. Massage oils, coconut, almond or even olive oils are fine. Invite your lover to massage you as part of your love play.

Connect with your Cock

Underlying the muscular tension in your genitals is any emotional tension you are carrying in your genitals. Believe it or not, residues of unexpressed feelings about unsatisfying sex, sexual rejection (and we’ve all been there!), your anger at women, inadequacies or shame about how you see yourself as a sexual male, or even just as a male, all live in the tissues of your genitals. This blocked emotional tension, just like the physical tension will directly impact on your cock’s desire to rise to the occasion. The way to release it is to take the time to connect with your cock’s innate intelligence (yes, it has an intuitive intelligence of its downloadvery own). Instead of telling it what to do try to listen to it for a change. Take your attention to it, hold it in your hands, breathe and really feel into it. It will let you know what it needs to release this blocked hurt. Often it just wants to be felt and heard.

Know that An Erection Doesn’t Equal Pleasure

Believe it or not, your sexual pleasure does not rely on you having an erection. Only your conditioning makes you think it does. You can have a rock hard erection and feel very little. Alternatively, you can experience full body pleasure and orgasm without ANY erection at all. All you need to do is expand your mind to the possibility, to breathe more consciously and more deeply and touch yourself (and invite your lover too) all over in a variety of ways- soft, firm, slow, fast, slap, tickle, scratch, just holding still, play and experiment. Allow yourself to soften and open.

Some men post prostate surgery say they are having the best sex of their lives as it’s helped them step out of their familiar box they’ve had sex in.

Take a risk and see what you find. Your cock (or ‘lingam’ as we call it in Tantra speak, aka your wand of enlightenment) is leading the way.

 

Men’s Potential in Sex

June 17, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We keep saying it, and we will keep on saying it until it is heard-

Every man’s potential in sex is so much greater than he realises….

As men, our beliefs help create our reality in sex….man on motorbike

Men often hold the common belief that a woman’s sexuality is a mystical and secret garden difficult to comprehend, let alone master.

Yet, when viewing their own sexuality, men tend to believe the opposite is true about themselves, that sex for them is simple, reliable and straightforward.

Believe it or not, having these beliefs is actually limiting your sexual satisfaction.
Learning these Skills is simple, as Oztantra specialises in relationships and sexuality and these skills are introduced in all our workshops, retreats and sessions, both face to face and via skype or other medium.

Other common beliefs about differences in men and women in sex are:

Women require time to warm up, to be in the mood and be ready.

Men are constantly in the mood and ready for action.

Women look for emotional connection, safety and presence.

Men only need visual and physical connection.

Women need romance, foreplay and heart connection.

Men only need a time and a place.Glasses of dirt filled water

Like most common beliefs there are grains of truth in them.

But have these basic differences in the bedroom become something else, a more serious imbalance?

And is this imbalance the result of men having a very limited view of their own sexuality?

Yet men are naturally multi orgasmic, and that ejaculation and orgasm are two seperate functions and understanding this is the beginning of being able to achieve this for yourself

What if 6 minutes was just a beginning?

When reading about Tantric sexuality, it is easy to gain the impression that men can achieve and experience much more in their sexual pleasure than the average of 6 minutes.

If this is correct, then why does such a huge disparity still exist between what is actually happening for men in sex and what is possible for them?

This disparity can also be applied to women and their sexuality.

But in many ways women have made more significant moves forward over the last few decades with the discovery and claiming of their pleasure spots and sexual needs.

In our work with couples, particularly in dealing with men and their sexual issues, we firmly believe that most men only achieve around 10% of their capacity for pleasure from their sexuality.

The Crockpot and The Microwave

what do we do with our sexualityIt is frustrating and demeaning when men are “sucked” into believing the sexual stereo type that women are like crockpots in sex.

Let them simmer away all day and by night they’re juicy and tender, where men are like a microwave- stick it in hard and fast and a few minutes later beep, beep, beep he’s done.

It’s not you, it’s your conditioning…

For a boy, this belief and the conditioning that supports it starts very early in his life.

Boys are generally being hugged less than girls and influenced not to be an emotional ‘pussy’, boys are told to be tough and not express their feelings. Physical contact is only through rough play and use of his intellect is encouraged.

When these boys start discovering their sexuality through masturbation (self pleasuring) they’re most often afraid to feel and instead, tend to get it up and over and done with as quick as they can, going straight for the good bit at the end before they get caught.

As a boy matures, this trend continues, getting it up and over and done with before his lover changes her mind, or before the kids wake up.

And when middle age kicks in, men get it up and done with before collapsing into sleep, their lover losing interest or them losing their erection.

This addictive habit of going hard for the end result from the very beginning has,without a man’s awareness, numbed feeling in his penis (lingam), limiting his ability to feel what he’s capable of during sex.

Uh Oh…Oops!

Unhealthy self pleasuring later creates problems for men in relationships,because of what they’ve conditioned themselves, most often from a shame place.

This often works against them in lovemaking with their partner as they get older.

During lovemaking, real pleasure comes from him having more sensitivity rather than less, having more full bodied rather than just lingam focused experiences and taking his time rather than rushing to the end.marriage malaise

Getting it over and done with is a habit that is very difficult to turn around as frequent ejaculation for the sake of ejaculation easily becomes a very tough habit to break.

Regularly we see middle aged men (or their partner’s) lose interest in sex because they don’t recognise or can’t get past this issue.

Moving Beyond What You Know

At this point it is important to understand that for men, ejaculation and orgasm are two very separate functions.

Because they usually occur at the same time it’s easy to see why men believe they’re the same thing.

Women ejaculate separately from orgasm and their experience is very different.

Genital ejaculation for a man feels good and is its own pleasurable experience, but still falls a long way short of the full body multiple orgasmic pleasure he is capable of.

Quick and frequent ejaculation is enough to keep the 10% group interested in sex but talking to men who are caught up and locked into this old habit we hear they suspect there is more possible.

They might look longingly at their frequently orgasming partners and simply not know how to discover this for themselves.

Combining this lack of knowledge with the numbness developed from harsh self pleasuring techniques and limited emotional connection has left men with a real problem.

Learning From Your Opposite

This is where both men and women can learn from the differences in their physical and sexual make up, differences that support sexual attraction, desire and pleasure.

During sensual massage, women appreciate and respond to heart connected touch that begins energizing her from her extremities.

This is not just her being precious, it’s how her body actually works.

Starting with having her hair stroked, the back of her neck, her arms, hands, butt, legs and toes touch is slowly brought via her breasts, belly and inner thighs to her sex centre, her genitals.

Imagine she is wearing a bikini and during the massage, resist touching her covered area’s until the final stages (even if she is begging….!!!).

You can tease and maybe lightly brush, but don’t directly touch here until the last stages.

This takes her sexual energy from her outside to her inside, waking up her sexual energy through her whole body and bringing it to her sex centre.Principle of Tantra 5 Yin Yang

With a man it’s the opposite.

 

Sensual massage starts his sexual energy from his genitals, his sex centre, waking it up here first then spreading it throughout his whole body.

Men are able to create extremely intense pleasurable sex energy very quickly from their genitals and when they choose from habit to keep it there and ejaculate quickly this energy is lost, expended.

Helping him choose instead to circulate and breathe this energy through his body will open him up to a whole new world of pleasure.

You can do this with a massage that focus’s directly on waking up his sexual energy with immediate lingam touch.

This helps get and keep keep his attention inside his body. Encouraging him to breathe deeply helps him to relax, open and expand.

Once his pleasure begins to arise use your hands (one at a time with one always remaining on his lingam) to touch and awaken the rest of his body. Move outward from his lingam to the rest of his genitals, his belly, thighs, chest, arms, legs, neck, fingers and toes.

Encouraging him to continue breathing deeply and imagine his energy circulating throughout his body is a simple yet powerful beginning in discovery of full body pleasure.

It’s Not About Performing…

It takes only awareness and connection to wake up a man’s sexual energy, to begin to circulate it through his whole body, creating full body pleasure, and with practice, full body orgasm and multiple orgasm.

Any man who desires achieving this for himself, must firstly be willing to let go of performing and focus more on relaxing and feeling, particularly with an open heart.

An open masculine heart is a powerful container in any relationship and requires focus, awareness and vulnerability.

The rewards are many and you can’t fail here, just having a go is huge.

Very few men have achieved this for themselves or with their partner, yet more are learning.

It is a simple win, win process, it does take a willingness to go there, to believe that you are more than your conditioning.

Knowing this is possible is a start.

Be Prepared…Tantric Heart space

Going into this place for any man will unlock his emotional self, open his heart and create a heart sexual connection that is life changing.

In this space, both be prepared for emotional rawness, softness and depth that either of you most likely haven’t experienced before.

In this place of self discovery, men will learn that they are capable of so much more, and that their variety of orgasmic experiences is unlimited.

Bringing sensitivity and awareness back into his lingam also means re learning how to be with himself, as it will be excitingly different.

The heightened sensitivity is an amazing experience, but takes practice and good communication with your partner.

Aaah!!

Imagine, making love and his lingam is alive, energized and feeling.

A lingam that can really feel inside his lover and is fully activated and alive.

A lingam that can bring this energy to clitoris, Gspot, cervix, prostate and all the other pleasure spots inside us, bringing us alive with love and connection.

Yes, man is different from woman in sex. He is also different from whom he’s been conditioned to be.

He is capable of so much more and it begins with awareness of his potential, a willingness to explore and an unwillingness to settle for anything less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationship Rescue`

June 16, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are You The Rescuer in Your Relationship?

Rescuing can be exhausting.

If you’re The Rescuer in your relationship you’ll be the one who is always ‘working at it’, finding it constantly drawing your time, energy and relationship rescueattention. You’ll also have the feeling your efforts are not recognized or validated by your significant other. The problem in playing the role of The Rescuer, as with any role, is that it traps you into being one dimensional and inauthentic as you’re not free to be really ‘you’. It means you’re avoiding something in yourself you don’t want to see or own, but this keeps you disempowered. It also means you’re putting your attention on one end of the see saw, keeping your relationship out of balance.

Take a few moments to check out whether you might be in ‘Rescuer mode’ in your relationship.

Do you recognize yourself in any of the following:

  • Your relationship is constantly on your mind, you’re always identifying problems (real or imagined) and looking for solutions.
  • You’ll frequently ‘give in’ rather than ruffle your partner’s feathers.
  • You tolerate your partner’s unhealthy behaviours for the ‘good’ of the relationship, saying things like “It’s ok for you to regularly bring your mates home at the last minute without letting me know, expecting me to provide a meal for them.”
  • You find excuses for your partner’s perceived inability to contribute to the relationship, to be there for you, or in fact be there for themselves. You hear yourself saying “It’s OK, She hasn’t been well (when really she’s been lazy), or He’s been working too hard (when really he’s being emotionally unavailable).”
  • It may extend to you becoming their enabler, doing for them what they refuse to do for themselves, from looking after their health, taking responsibility for their sexual pleasure to paying all their bills and sorting out arguments with the children.Woman taking garbage out
  • You find yourself not doing things for yourself like taking up yoga or having a night out for yourself because it might challenge the relationship.
  • You feel resentful, guilty or fearful much of time when not helping.
  • Or you don’t feel at all, as helping your partner in their suffering allows you to avoid your own.
  • You have an over active sense of responsibility, a need to do the ‘right’ thing, that feels like you being in your integrity, but unconsciously slides into self righteousness. Self righteousness where you believe you’re the only one with the answers, leading you to treat your partner’s needs and ideas with disdain.
  • In your Rescuer’s tunnel vision you may not see what your partner actually does put in to benefit the relationship.
  • Rescuing may be the only way you can feel connected to an otherwise self absorbed partner ie. Providing them with a cup of tea, a sensual massage or bathing the kids just to get their attention.
  • You find it difficult to let go of the power rescuing gives you and be vulnerable in yourself.Crying woman
  • You find receiving difficult and put emotional walls up to block the possibility, as receiving leaves you feeling out of control.
  • You might even feel deep down you don’t have the right to be who you are or ask for what you want in the relationship.
  • You avoid any discussions of where you are at in your relationship thinking you are protecting your partner.
  • You may begin to resent, or even hate yourself as your efforts are unseen, unappreciated or resisted by your partner. Over time this self hatred becomes too much to bear and spills over onto your partner…

Why causes The Rescuer to show up?

Becoming The Rescuer could have developed over the course of your relationship simply as a result of you trying to address the genuine challenges within it and it became a habit. You may rescue your partner from a fear of losing the relationship, from your belief that if you don’t do it, it won’t happen. Rescuing can develop from guilt at your past behaviour ie. The night you got drunk and slept with your partner’s best friend.

At its deepest level you may be acting out unconscious roles adopted in your childhood. Perhaps being the rescuer fulfilled your idea of being a good Christian, a caring person. It may have met the needs of those around you unwilling to be responsible for themselves, people whose favourite saying was “I can’t”. Being the “capable one” gave you a sense of your own power and self worth.

You cannot “fix” another

The biggest gift you can give yourself is to recognize that being The Rescuer is not doing you, or your relationship any good. The biggest challenge is to realize that the only one who can help your partner is themselves and Man facing forwardrescuing them takes away their own momentum. A person will either do, or not do something based on their own choices and belief systems. We can suggest, encourage, even push but ultimately what another person chooses is up to them. So goes the old saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!”. See what happens to them if you refuse to rescue. And if what they choose to do is to have that extra drink, not exercise, over indulge in porn, ignore you or your relationship you cannot control that.

It’s easy to forget in relationship the only one we can control is ourselves, the tantalizing game of “if I do this then you should do that” is a destructive cycle. It’s one we benefit from saving ourselves from its empty promises.

Instead, as The Rescuer, it’s time to focus on yourself.

  • See what happens in yourself when you acknowledge that you absolutely cannot save your partner from themselves. Not even to get what you so might want for yourself. Often the feeling is one of powerlessness. This is appropriate as you are powerless to fix another.
  • Acknowledge the powerlessness you feel in dropping The Rescuer role, see feeling this as the way of coming home to your real self.
  • Claim your true power by exploring what you’ve been overlooking or avoiding in yourself whilst you focussed on your partner and your relationship. Find creative and loving ways to fill the spaces in you.
  • Give your partner the gift of seeing them more clearly without the one dimensional lens of your need to rescue, you might be surprised at what you find. Let them see themselves more clearly, even if they don’t like it.Self connection is key to more intimate sex.
  • Value yourself enough to feel your own feelings, acknowledge your own thoughts and desires, express you real opinions, allow yourself to be vulnerable and to receive. Allow yourself to be your real YOU.

 

Intimacy: What Actually Is It?

May 17, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What Actually Is Intimacy?

It is a word that brings up desire, fear, hurt or confusion, there are generally no neutral responses to it.

If you look in the dictionary for the meaning of the word intimacy there are many more words given trying to explain it: a ‘close familiarity or friendship’, a cosy and private or relaxed atmosphere or  ‘the intimacy between a husband and wife’. It’s a closeness, togetherness, attachment, connection, warmth, affection, warm feelings, love, affinity and understanding. Yet it is even much more than this…

Did you know there are at least 13 different types of intimacy?

The Different Levels of Intimacy:

  1. Intellectual Intimacy– Creating Safety in Intimacy
    The sharing of mutual or even opposing ideas in an atmosphere of openness that brings a feeling of mutual appreciation, warmth and enjoyment.
  2. Sexual Energy life choicesPractical Intimacy-
    The sharing of physical tasks that requires co operation and brings a sense of solidarity, of being on the same team working towards a common goal, offering us sense of place and achievement.
  3. Physical Intimacy-
    Sharing physical connection between our bodies.Happiness in relationship This can be as simple as sitting next to each other on the couch, holding hands, lying together with arms holding each other. It can involve active touch or complete stillness. It may or may not include genitals.
  4. Sensual Intimacy-
    oral sex loverSharing our bodies through touch with a desire to experience the sensations as they arise, without any attachment to an outcome, just being in the moment. It may or may not include our genitals.
  5. Sexual Intimacy- Oral sex man giving woman
    Sharing our thoughts, desires and/or physical bodies, including genitals, usually with the intent to create sexual pleasure, and often though not always, orgasm.
  6. Enmeshed Intimacy-
    Where we experience a sense of no separation between ourselves and the other person, their feelings and thoughts become our own and we cease to exist. We need the Woman breastfeedingpresence of the other to experience ourselves, similar to what we experienced, if we were lucky, in the first few months of life with our mother in an atmosphere of love and safety and where we all long to go back to. If we weren’t lucky enough to experience it at some level we’re always looking to do so. We can experience this in the early days of a new relationship, when we are so in love and open to each other it feels like there is a blissful sense of no separation. It can feel good to the one who is lost in the other but is generally uncomfortable for the one on the receiving end and is not healthy on a long term basis. As adults we need to move on from this childlike sense of intimacy and find ourselves more fully. We can also be intimately enmeshed with our beliefs, our family, our culture, community and society, unaware of how we give ourselves away to these parts of life.
  7. Isolated Intimacy- End your frustration
    A state where we are in fear of intimacy with ourselves or another. We minimize the amount we feel by focussing on our thoughts, by keeping busy and putting our attention on things outside of our inner reality. We trust rational knowledge and what we can see over the unknown realm of feelings and value being in control over connection with another. If we do feel we mostly feel loneliness.
  8. Personal Intimacy-man meditating
    Sharing connection with ourselves where we listen to our own thoughts and feel our own bodies and feelings fully. We’re comfortable with our inner reality, our intuitive wisdom as well as our intellectual understandings. We experience a sense of wholeness or completeness in ourselves, separate to yet not apart from everyone or everything else, capable of empathy and compassion without losing ourselves. We start to take ownership of our own beliefs, values and responsibilities rather than remaining in enmeshment with those of others.
  9. Emotional & Heart Connected Intimacy-
    Sharing our personal thoughts and feelings about ourselves, about who we each are and what we are Crying man being told I don't love you anymoreexperiencing, with empathy and compassion for both ourselves and our partners. The deeper we open our hearts the more fully we experience this kind of intimacy. This is where we start to see behind our masks and take chances of being fully seen in our naked humanity. It’s where we start to get messy, creating the cracks where the light gets in. Up until this stage we’ve been able to keep our cool exterior in place yet now our imperfections need to show. It is these very cracks that create the sense of deeper togetherness, with a feeling of connection and shared experience. Despite our illusions about intimacy this stage is not always pretty as we reveal ourselves and our Shadows come out to play. This is the stage of intimacy we love to hate! It is important to balance this kind of intimacy with intimacy with ourselves to be able to stay grounded in it.Our Hearts have a multitude of talents and is much more powerful than we give it credit for – it is a place of painful feelings, a place for healing our pain as well as a place of rest, love and inner safety. It is where our Ego self meets our Higher or Whole self, so it is both messy and a portal to Spirit.
  10. Energetic Intimacy: This is where we ‘sense’ or perceive where another person is at, beyond what we can logically see. We need to be very present with or aware of ourselves to sense another. We can exchange this through talking about our experience or we can take it a few steps further. Using our minds, breath and energy bodies we can create experiences of intimate energetic exchange and unity with another. Tantra is famous for these kinds of practices.Relationships
  11. Soul Intimacy: We experience this most commonly through eye gazing. Trite but true, the eyes really are the windows to our souls- our soul being the human part of us regarded as immaterial. Our eyes allow this inner reality to be glimpsed by another. It is a very vulnerable act to allow another to see us up this close and why you’ll find it is quite a precious gift to share with another. Even if it is just at the supermarket checkout- meeting the sales person directly in the eye with a clear hello or thankyou can make their day. Eye contact is a powerful yet increasingly rare commodity.
  12.  Spiritual Intimacy-
    A sense of being with another person, or with what we believe to be God or Spirit in a moment of timelessness and boundarylessness, where time and separateness cease to exist.Spiritual Lovemaking with TantraOur sense of ourselves becomes pure awareness and feeling, ‘we’ still exist yet have a oneness with everything that is, including God or Spirit. In this heightened state we have no awareness of anything outside of the present moment, or of any personal needs. Spiritual intimacy is often experienced in sex, eye gazing, meditation, prayer and other religious experiences.
  13. Ego-lessness-
    Where we go beyond the boundaries of who we think we are into the experience of being pure bliss and freedom, most commonly experienced through moments of deep heart openness, meditation and orgasm. WeHealthy Orgasm OMstill retain awareness of ourselves in the experience.
  14. No-thingness-
    Where we go beyond our sense of having a personal Self and in fact the only way we know we have experienced it is when we come back and understand we’ve been ‘somewhere else’. It has a different quality to the nothingness to sleep and we feel ‘altered’ by the experience.

Each Level of Intimacy is powerful in its own right and one is not better or less than another. In fact they are most powerful in concert with other levels. It is helpful to understand how the different levels interact in our relating with another.

Sharing Intimacy at the level of our Ego self.

Intimacy Levels 1-7 are related to our Ego Self, our personality or who we think we are. This means we can exchange information, stories, laughs, pleasure, love and more from a place where we seek to be comfortable and generally remain in control. Problems are solved at an intellectual level of understanding and negotiation. These levels also contain aspects of the Shadow Self, the part of us that fear, fight, hide, manipulate and all the other delicious ways we can interact without much awareness.

Intimacy Levels 1-7 + 8-9 are the ones related to our Intimate Relationships.

In relating with another we can experience each of these levels of Intimacy, either separately or together. For example we can be connected Intellectually, Physically and Sexually with or without Emotional & Heart Connected Intimacy. We can connect Intellectually and Sexually through sharing a sexual fantasy with no physical connection. We can connect Emotionally and Intellectually without any physical or sexual connection. The more levels we combine the more Intimacy we experience.

When we become more aware and comfortable in Personal Intimacy we can trust ourselves and have the courage to experience Emotional Intimacy with others. Because both the risks AND the level of awareness is higher Emotional Intimacy it can seem scary and painful and we have a tendency to make it and ourselves wrong in it. We’re dancing between the Ego that wants to be in control, protected and safe vs the beginnings of our Whole Self or Higher Self that is comfortable being outside of control, attachment and expectation, finding safety from within. It is here we risk dropping our Ego masks and being seen for who we authentically are without collapsing.woman behind mask

Emotional & Heart Intimacy can be messy, that’s the very nature of it. It’s the crack where the light gets in. In this place it is OK to make mistakes, in fact taking risks and making mistakes is how we learn here rather than from a book.  This path seems the most difficult in the beginning and most of us struggle here but once the skills are learned the benefits are profound and every step you take in its direction has rewards. Problems here can be addressed at multidimensional levels. It is a lifetime journey to get comfortable in Personal and Emotional Intimacy. Starting with Personal Intimacy is vital, then  gentle and slowly more challenging areas of Emotional and Heart Connected Intimacy because afterall, isn’t sharing with others the biggest part of being human??

The Heart is  a place of painful feelings, a place for healing our pain as well as a place of rest, love and inner safety. It is where our Ego self meets our Higher or Whole self, so it is both messy and a portal to Spirit.

Energetic and Soul Intimacy cross the line between human and what lies within our unseen places. We begin experiencing them from our humanness but they can take us beyond it. For example in Energetic Intimacy moving your energies together can bring a feeling of total immersion in each other even without physical contact. In eye gazing you can notice your pattern changing in their facial expressions- becoming a young child or someone ageless, or  a feeling on oneness with them.

Intimacy Levels 10-12 are related to Spirit

Experiences of Egolessness are helpful in that they show us we are more than who we think we are and so make it easier to let go of attachment to our personality masks, to our fears and limitations. They are a place to visit for this reason, they’re not somewhere we need to permanently stay. We are here having a human experience and these experiences are tools for the journey rather than the journey itself.

Qualities required to experience more intimacy in your relationship:

  • Understanding of the process
  • Beginnings of Personal Intimacy
  • Courage to practice engaging at different levels
  • Trust in yourself
  • A willingness to go first, if you’re the one seeking intimacy
  • A willingness to be vulnerable and the understanding it is a pathway to connection
  • Ability to discern appropriate levels of intimacy depending on the given situation
  • An ability to self validate- to be ok with yourself even if the other person disagrees with you
  • An ability to self soothe- to feel ok to meet your own needs if the other person is unable to meet you where you are at
  • Empathy or compassion for the other if they are in a different place to you

Exploration Activity:

Consider which Levels of Intimacy you currently engage in?
Which ones do you value most?
Which would you like to experience more of?
Would you be willing to start exploring intimacy with yourself?
Would you be willing to take small steps into greater Emotional Intimacy, despite its messiness?

If so, begin with these questions:

What happens when your partner gets really close – do you feel happy or uncomfortable?
What happens when they move away- do you feel relief or stressed, even rejected or abandoned?
Were you aware of/comfortable when your parents showed physical affection with each other?
Were you well nurtured and held as a baby?
What was intimacy like when you were growing up?
Did you all sit around the dinner table one big happy family?
Did everyone get a chance to be heard?
Was physical touch encouraged in a healthy way?
Were personal boundaries encouraged and respected?
Did you socialize together or do your own thing?
Were you enmeshed with one or both parents- not allowed to be an individual with your own separate thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, hobbies?
Or were you a surrogate spouse for one of them- bearing the brunt of their emotional needs and finding intimacy a burden?
How comfortable are you in eye contact with another?
Can you receive touch without it needing to be sexual?
Can you engage in emotional intimacy during sex? Do you prefer not to?
Can you engage in purely sensual play without needing it to become sexual?
Is meditation a part of your life? Would you be open to the possibility?
What does the idea of intimacy with God or Spirit bring up for you?

Each of these experiences will determine your ability to be comfortable with intimacy and what kind you now seek.

If you would like support in further exploring the different Levels contact Annette or Graeme here or Ph 1800 TANTRA

 

« Previous Page
Next Page »

CONTACT US:

Ph 1800 TANTRA

(1800 826 872)

International +61 457 966 696

 

Coming Together

Coming Together

CLICK HERE for Oztantra's book on all things
relationship, intimacy & sex
to last a lifetime, coming soon!

Sign Up for Our Fortnightly Newsletter

newsletter-sign-up

Read Our Previous Newsletters

Couples Retreats

Join us for our
Couples together on couples retreatEcstasy & Intimacy Retreat in QLD
Apr 21-28 2018
Ecstasy & Intimacy Retreat in Bali
Sept 22-29 2018
 We limit numbers in this retreat to maximise your experience

Couples Getaways

InquireLennox Beach Resort about our Ultimate Couples Getaways holiday near Byron Bay whilst exploring your relationship.

Weekend Workshop

Intimacy can continueSexuality of the Heart 
Reconnect, get excited about your relationship..
Ballina, near Byron Bay

May 25-27 2018

Oztantra Links

Blog  |  Media  |  Workshops  |  Books/DVDs

WORKSHOP FOR WOMEN

Gspot is the heart of womanPower Of Yoni
June 26-30 2018
Explore the essence of yourself as woman

Lost That Loving Feeling?

Re-Ignite Your Spark Online Relationship Course

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • Linkedin
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Have a question?

PH 1800 TANTRA (1800 826 872)

 

Recent Posts

  • Men: Improving Your Strike Rate April 19, 2018
  • Dissolving Your Inner Walls… March 1, 2018
  • Lingam Massage February 8, 2018
  • It’s the little things that will save your relationship January 11, 2018

Latest Tweets

  • Men: Improving Your Strike Rate  - https://t.co/oPjTuhNh0B April 21, 2018 1:27 am
  • Coming Together: Oztantra's book is coming soon.. - https://t.co/2xcTjVL4QM March 20, 2018 10:10 pm
  • Follow OzTantra's Tweets

logo.png

Facebook Twitter Youtube

  • Oztantra Webinar’s – Relationship and Sexuality
  • Q and A – Frequently asked Questions Answered – Oz Tantra
  • Links – Oz Tantra Relationship Counselling
  • The Art of Relationship Creating Meaningful Intimate Relationships
  • Emotional Intelligence, What is it? – Oz Tantra
  • Breathwork Sessions
  • Lasting Longer for Men
  • Female Sexuality for Women
  • Previous Oz Tantra Newsletters
  • Men’s Focus Group
  • Beating Pornography Addiction
  • Principles of Tantra
  • Tantric History – The History of Tantra
  • Cobra Breath – The Cosmic Cobra Breath
  • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like? – Oz Tantra
  • The Art of Self Pleasure
  • Tantra Massage
  • Man Talk
  • Depression…making light of it
  • Gspot – Oztantra
  • The Power of Reverse Polarity
  • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
  • Tantric Meditations
  • How to Become a Tantric Lover – Oz Tantra

Return to top of page

Oztantra © 2018 | Beautiful Theme