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The No.1 Tip to Keep Your Woman Wanting You

February 21, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 4 Comments

Keep your woman wanting you by touching her.

Your woman needs to be touched.

Something that often stands out for us is the way guys are missing one of the most basic rules in lovemaking. keep your woman wanting you by touching her all over

Well, it’s more than a rule really, it’s a necessity!

What is even more surprising is that sometimes women don’t know this rule either…

Women need to be touched everywhere else before their genitals for them to work fully!

This is especially true in relationship sex- what we call sex for the long run. Any woman’s body that is not touched in lovemaking will sooner or later completely shut down, leaving her lover scratching his head wondering what happened.

This leaves him sadly buying into the belief, likely to be endorsed by his mates that a loss of interest in sex is “normal” in a woman. It is not.

A woman’s body is made to be touched, it’s not only luscious to look at its yearning to be fully appreciated.

Her body, not just Female sexuality more than just lingerieher vagina, needs to be penetrated with attention.

Anything else leaves her uninterested in sex and sometimes uninterested in her partner. It will also leave her more over emotional, critical even bitter; or cold, withdrawn and unapproachable.

A lack of touch makes her more interested in being with her kids where some of these needs for physical and emotional (not sexual) intimacy get met.

The interesting thing is that these people aren’t lacking in intelligence.

They’re smart, caring, creative and competent so it’s not that they aren’t capable of touching it’s just that they literally don’t know the importance.

And they’re not alone.

Why DON’T men touch?

Of course many men do touch, we’re looking here at the ones who don’t yet.

Survival of the species

A guy’s primal drive in sex, as it is in his life, is to produce.

To get to his goal as fast and as efficiently as possible. His primal urge to “get there” can override everything else in his pathway, leading him to ignore anything he perceives as distracting along the way.

And at its most basic level a woman’s pleasure, or anything beyond the perceived openness of her vagina, is not Primal manrequired for man to achieve his primal objective.

This is not an excuse but it is part of the reason behind a guy’s blindness in bed.

We’ve moved on from sex being merely about the survival of the species.

We’re now capable of sustained physical pleasure, emotional closeness and intimacy in sex, closeness and intimacy that men, given the opportunity, will admit they crave as much as women.

They just don’t know how to go about it, and the complexity of a woman’s body can be overwhelming.

Part of it is that men lack the quality information that can teach them.

Nowhere to learn from

Men have little opportunity to learn from others in their environment.

Open, honest conversations about sex and how it happens are as rare as hen’s teeth and mostly what we hear is disinformation about sex that perpetuates the stereotypes we labour under.

It’s one of the things we most love about our work- making these kinds of conversations possible.

Male Sexuality from the heartOf course, pornography is the master of disinformation about sex- about truly satisfying sex at least.

Porn is great for titillation and getting us to the end point but terrible at showing us how to make the most of the bit in between.

Porn shows men penetrating women increasingly without any kind of touching beforehand and mistakenly portrays the women screaming in pleasure from the mere act of having a cock inside her.

Porn is teaching women too that she doesn’t need to be touched. A woman’s body doesn’t work that way.

Except on the occasions she is really hot with all systems firing and there’s usually reasons behind this other than just the immanent sex.

Cultural conditioning

Men grow up in the bullshit culture of how men should be big, strong and tough, not sensitive or ‘girly’, primed for fighting rather than loving, leaving them numb in their bodies and less sensitive to touch than they’re capable of.

Believe us guys, the more sensitive you become (without losing yourself) the more powerfully masculine you become where it counts- in the lingam (cock) and in the heart.man in mask

Men often grow up in an environment where touching, even non sexual touching wasn’t a normal part of daily life for them.

Such as hanging out on the couch together, having hugs, being held when they’re sad or even being kissed goodnight at bedtime.

It can be true for women as well. This kind of touch may even have been shamed.

Growing up with a lack of touch makes it difficult to know what it feels like and what its benefits are.

Performance based touch

When men do take the time to become good at touching a woman they’re unfortunately taught to “turn her on”.

As Leonard Cohen so powerfully sang “I didn’t know how to feel so I learned how to touch”.

A man can even believe he knows how to touch so well that his woman ‘should’ like it, no matter what.

This external touch can leave a woman feeling pressured to perform in order to validate his skill and feeling manipulated rather than fulfilled no matter how pleasure she has.

It limits the connection possible in truly intimate lovemaking.

Men also carry shame about their sexual needs and often have anger towards women who as they see it, don’t provide for their needs.

This leaves them resentful about having to “give” touch in return.

Men haven’t been taught how to take responsibility for their own sexual needs and having unsatisfying sexual relationships makes this worse.

Not knowing what is possible

And finally it’s just that most people don’t know what is possible in sex, beyond having a “genital sneeze” type orgasm.

In the rush for the mechanics the intimacy in sex is lost. In relationship sex in the absence of intimacy much of the pleasure is lost.

And why do women accept it?

A woman is primally driven to open and receive in sex.

This leaves her without a voice to ask for what it is that she needs for her own arousal and continues to happen despite the growth in women’s liberation elsewhere in life.

It leaves her lover in the dark operating on instinct leaving her to just “go along” and hope that it’s over soon.

Woman’s strength has been in her capacity to endure rather than her ability to speak up.

She knows intuitively there is more but she is at a loss in how to create it, and with today’s orgasm performance based sex so much the norm she can even doubt her instincts.

So how DO you touch a woman in sex?

Begin getting into your own body first so she can feel you.

By touching her outside the bedroom to help her get into her feeling body too- not groping, just relaxed touch without an agenda.

Then by asking her.

Ask questions to make sure you understand her fully.

Dropping any expectations of a result, just enjoy each moment.

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback as you touch her, not from a place of insecurity but from caring- would you like it slower/faster/softer/firmer/to the right/left etc.

And keep asking. She will love you for it.

If she really doesn’t know, start with kissing her a lot.

Then follow the basic idea of imagining she has a bikini on and touching her everywhere else but under her bikini.

Particularly the back of her neck, her head and her hair, her breasts (all of them not just her nipples), over her heart, her lower back, buttocks and inner thighs. For more see Tantric Touch

Once you arrive at her genitals (or yoni as we like to call it which means sacred space) take the same approach- touch from the outside in- pubic mound, outer labia, perineum, inner labia, clitoris, entrance to her vagina, gspot and aspots (at cervix).

If she’s liking it do more of it, at the same speed or keep coming back to it.

Touch her from a place of exploration rather than performance.

Breathe and invite her to breathe with you.

And women, ask for it. And love touching yourself too so he’ll want to join you.

Make it a team effort.

She will love you for it and so will you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Training for the hardest job in the world

February 7, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

 

That’s being in authentic intimate relationship…

And it’s a job we receive very little, if any, relationship training for…

Intimate relationships can look very different from the inside to what we hoped for at the beginning, can’t they? The person who started out as our soulmate somehow becomes the one put on earth simply to frustrate us! From the seeming the best person in the world to be around to one that can feel scary and even unsafe.

If this is you, then you’re not alone.Tantric Touch in the grass

Even though you might be thinking everyone else seems to have their relationships sorted we can tell you that this is not true. People have been doing relationships for thousands of years and though their nature keeps changing the one constant is that they all offer their challenges.

We often hear that problems in relationships are simply due to poor communication but we’ve seen the reasons are more complex than this singular factor. Especially in today’s world where our expectations of relationship are higher than ever before. We want our partners to be partners, lovers, friends, providers, nurturers, buddies, therapists, mind readers, sex Gods and much more. Our lives themselves have become more complex, involving much change and challenge, we’re living longer than ever and our relationships need to be resilient enough to cope. Not only this but the person we choose in relationship with may not be the boy or girl from down the road we’ve known all our lives but someone from across the country or across the world, with a different set of beliefs, perhaps a different culture or vastly different life experience. Love doesn’t seem to adhere to any particular sets of rules.

Our intimate relationships are now expected to offer us:

Safety/Security/Support/Comfort/Belonging
Familiarity/Identity/Certainty/Longevity
Curiosity/Pleasure/Excitement/Adventure
Fun/Exploration/Playfulness/Edginess
Intimacy/Connectedness/Freedom/Autonomy
Love/Sex /Mystery/Meaning

Remember when relationship was automatically about strolling down the aisle and committing to stay together “till death us do part” no matter what? For some of us it may still be. We’ve been taught to plan our futures according to this currently existing model of relationship in society. We’ve wanted to grow up, fall in love with someone of the opposite sex, get married, have a successful career- at work if you’re a man, at home if you’re a woman. We’ve aimed to live together in this ideal family unit that will be there forever and a day. Yet no matter how we try our lives don’t necessarily conform to these ‘rules’. We fall out of love, our work becomes more important than our relationships, we fall in love with someone of the same gender, we get ill and change the way we think about life, our children build our relationships or tear them apart, our goals change, we fall in love all over again with the same person or with someone different. The old ‘rules’ no longer apply, yet we still feel like we’re failing if we haven’t abided by them. This is why we need a new model of what intimate relationships are.

We like to focus on fixing the communication aspect of relationship because it seems like it should be an easy thing to fix, but the bigger picture of the relationship means it is not that simple. We believe that part of the struggles that occur in relationship are due in part to a lack of adequate training.

happy coupleOur intimate relationships are potentially the most important and fulfilling part of our lives yet we receive very little training for them.

Let’s face it, if we were offered an extremely challenging job requiring multiple skillsets we weren’t sure we had very few of us would be willing to sign on without negotiating some training and ongoing support. Particularly if our income was based on the quality of our daily performance. It wouldn’t make sense.

So why do we do exactly this with our relationships, stepping into them blind and not asking for help?

It’s largely because everyone around us does exactly the same, including those we learn the most about relationships from, our parents. It’s as if we carry an inbuilt belief that once we get in to a relationship everything will magically be ok because we love each other. It’s the same with our sex lives, they should just ‘happen naturally’. So it’s easy to take them, along with our partners for granted, getting into the habit of making them our last priority instead of our first. This unconsciously creates the loss of spark in long term relationship we dread, leaving us thinking that we’ve fallen ‘out of love’. And in this disposable world we can fall into the trap of constantly having an eye out for a replacement, seeking a new and supposedly easier option, draining further energy from our current relationship and reducing its chances of survival. We see this over and over again in our work, couples thinking the spark has gone, when actually it’s just been dimmed by the suffering that’s been put on top of it.

Heart to Heart communicationThis is why it’s vital to get the training you need to address the challenges your relationship offers rather than bury your heads in the sand, becoming machine like and operating from habit, wishing things were different without taking action. Or doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. This is just suffering.

Where you’re at is not your responsibility. Staying there is your choice.

 

Understand that as a result of this lack of training when things go wrong you blame either your partner or yourself for being inadequate, uncaring or not good enough, rather than seeing a person simply lacking in skills. A person just like you, who dearly wants connection, who is probably trying just as hard, hurting just as much as you, and is just as much in the dark as you.  So the next time you want to cast blame or judgement for your hurt, take a moment to remember it’s not so much a lack of lovableness creating the friction in your relationship as a lack of knowledge and skill. This makes is easier to give each other a hug, rather than a blast.

If you want to learn more about how to be good at relationship come to an event, or contact us today…

 

 

 

 

 

Getting to know the stranger

January 25, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Listening with curiosity rather than judgement…

It’s human nature to get into habits…

And these habits are also a way of avoiding  living constantly in the unfamiliar, which can be highly stressful for some…

In relationship, habits can work both for and against us.

Creating habits does work for us in the building of unique little rituals only we share, creating feelings of connection.

Some habits can also work against us, in creating and allowing  unhealthy relationship patterns, such as taking our partners for granted.

Habits like taking our partners for granted can be a fast track to relationship boredom and dissatisfaction.

Here is how it can happen, and that it is also possible to learn embodied listening with curiosity as a way out of  boredom and  into fascination.

In new relationship there seems to be so much to talk about.

In the bubble of new love you’re completely fascinated by each other, literally hanging on each other’s words.

You’re fully engaged in the moment with them, hours seem to disappear, making time seem meaningless.

If you think back on it, you were probably not only hearing their words you also noticed their facial expressions, the nuances of their body language, subliminal messaging and even their tone of voice.

Your own body was involved in the conversation as well, feeling tinglings of excitement, an openness and an aliveness that felt totally engaging.

But after a while it begins to seem as if you’ve heard it all before.

You assume there’s nothing new coming and your interest level wanes.

It becomes easier to check out the TV, Facebook or your emails rather than give your partner your full disconnected coupleattention.

You believe you know what this once fascinating person is going to say before they even open their mouths and quickly start to tune out and think of other things.

It’s the same thing with your own sharings, you think they’ve heard you all before, that they’ll be assuming they know it all and that you will have little new to say.

Sharing becomes a bore and you wonder where has the spark gone?

But the spark hasn’t really disappeared, it’s just that where you’re coming from in your listening isn’t creating or allowing the spark to ignite.

You’re listening to your significant other from your intellectual self, where your judgements and assumptions come easily.

Are you judging your partner based on the past rather than experiencing them fully in the now, as you used to do ?

Are you assuming you know what the other’s talking,  rather than actually listening to what they are trying to communicate?

This becomes an assumption that you know everything about who the other person is, and listening to answer, rather than listening to actually hear and feel into what they trying to communicate.

You might actually know who they’ve been, but you don’t know who they’re being right now if you’re not truly listening, and miss out on seeing their growth and change.

And you’ll miss who they’re becoming as it hasn’t happened yet.

Don’t you want to be there to find out?

The information they’re sharing may be the same as they (or you) have shared before.

But this person has lived more of their life since the last time they shared and their life experience makes the different.

They may be in a different space emotionally or energetically.

Don’t just listen to the story and assume you know all about it, and therefore all about them (which is not only Creating Safety in Intimacylimiting it is also shaming).

Do yourself a favour and see your spouse in this moment as a whole new being you’ve never met before.

Do all those things you used to do without thinking, put all of your attention onto who they are being right now, observe rather than judge, listen with your body, listen with your heart rather than your head, feel into them as well as hear them.

Ask open questions, inviting more of them to emerge..

Ask opening questions that invite deeper sharing such as ‘how was that for you?’ or ‘can you tell me more about that?’

This spark of curiosity in you allows previously unforseen questions to arise in you so you can ask them.

All this extra information will be totally new and interesting as it has never happened before in exactly this way.

The same is true for you, you’re different from the person you were when you last heard this information. What is it that you are noticing in yourself?

Relationships are either growing or dying

One of the things that stops us from fully seeing or listening with our whole self is that we may feel uncomfortable or have fear over what we may find.

We may hear our partner’s pain, feel their walls or maybe their lack of presence with us.

We’re tempted to make this about us but the skill is in seeing that where they’re at is about them.

How we perceive them is about us.

If you can separate yourself from them and hear, see and feel them as a multi layered, unique being at this particular moment in their own world, having their own experience from a place of curiosity you will find a fascination that never leaves.

Offering our presence in this way can allow our significant other to share more openly as well.

There’s nothing like an engaged, available listener to inspire a person to new heights.

After all, isn’t that what used to happen?

Your partner will feel seen, heard and even loved, unconsciously inviting the same from them.

Yet this is about being curious for ourselves, to create our own satisfying relationship experiences rather than expecting anything in return, for expectations deny possibilities.

Practice: Experience your next conversation with your partner as above rather than just listening with your intellect and see what happens!

How To Ask For Your Needs and Desires

January 3, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As asking can be a challenge…

In relationship one of the most difficult and vulnerable things can be to ask for what it is you need, even more so for what you might desire. And the more you need or desire it the harder it can be to ask! We show you how below.

First let’s explore what is the difference between our needs and desires?

Our needs reflect our humanity and are common to all of us.

Some needs we literally cannot live without, like air, water and food. Some are more important for our emotional wellbeing like acceptance and love, some our spirituals wellbeing like the need for space and inspiration (see further list at end of article). Whatever the need without it our quality of life would be significantly worse off. The value we place on different needs makes us unique but the underlying need for them is universal.

Our desires reflect our individual uniqueness.

They are what we choose in our lives that say ‘this is who we are’. Our desires are things we can survive without yet they are an Fear of changeimportant aspect of how we experience, express and create our reality. The list of potential desires is as endless and varied as is the human race. Our desires come in two different forms, desires that serve simply ourselves and desires that serve ourselves whilst benefitting others and the world around us.

Our needs and desires are the place in relationship where we find both challenge and opportunity.

It’s not our partner’s obligation to fulfil our needs and desires, or ours to fulfil our partner’s.  We commit to being together and supporting each other in whatever way we can, this is what builds love.  Sharing each others desires brings creativity, aliveness and growth. Carrying the unspoken expectation that our partner’s will be there for everything we need and want (and vice versa) is imposing our child needs onto our adult relationship and is a fast way to permanent victim status for the ‘child’ and relationship burnout for the ‘parent’.

Asking for what you Need and Desire:

The asking for what we need and want, in this age of independence can still be the sticking point for many of us.

Here we offer you some simple but powerful tips on how to go about it as clearly as possible…

  1. Identify what it is that you need/desire as clearly as you can.
  2. Believe absolutely in your right to ask for what you need/desire. The asking is separate to getting it. Feel this belief in you as you ask.
  3. If you have difficulty asking for what you need/desire know what your stuff is around asking. Do you have fear of not being worthy, resentment that it won’t happen, past pain from having your desires rejected, beliefs that asking is wrong, difficulty in identifying your needs? etc. What is it that drives your resistance- identify it and acknowledge it and leave it in the past for now.
  4. Ask without any attachment at all to getting what you need/desire, in the way that you want it. This keeps your energy inside you rather than reaching out to the other where it can be chopped off at the knees. This also prevents you from unconsciously trying to hook the other person into your manipulation, leaving them free to respond authentically. If you can do this the rest will be much easier.what do we do with our sexuality
  5. Be willing to receive a ‘no’ before you ask the question.
  6. Avoid hinting, implying, suggesting or any other covert methods of asking for what you want. Just be clear, open and direct so the other person can hear you.
  7. Never make a demand. Demands leave your partner 3 unhealthy options- to give in, to resist or to fight back. No good outcomes.
  8. Avoid asking from the negative eg. “You never get home on time when I want you to, what’s the point of asking. Will you this time?” Not very inviting, but very common.
  9. Make it clear what outcome getting what you need/desire will create for you. This will inspire your partner to get onto your team and help you manifest it. For example: “If you put the kids to bed for me tonight I will feel really cared about, loved and close to you” or “If you send me a sexy text whilst I am at work today I will feel seen, validated and loved by you”.
  10. Ask if there is anything they need to be able to help you achieve what you need/desire eg. “Would it make it easier for you if I put the kids pj’s out on the bed for you?” or “Would it make it easier for you if I gave you a melting hug and a kiss before I left for work this morning?” This allows your partner to feel like they’re on your team.Paul & Christine
  11. Hear your partner’s ‘no’ without judgement. Don’t stay in the ‘no’, make space for something else to arise. Be willing to negotiate. Even better, be willing to get what you want in ways that might surprise you.
  12. If your partner can’t meet your need/desire meet your own eg. by giving ourselves a hug or a cup of tea. Then think about how else, or who else can help you get your need/desire met.
  13. Or is there another need you can meet that will support you to relax around your current need/desire? if one of your needs/desires has a big ‘empty tank’ you will have less flexibility in how willing you are to negotiate with it. In fact a big empty tank can make a desire feel like a real need instead. Once your tank has been filled up a bit you will feel more nurtured and a lot safer to have an open mind about your current need/desire.
  14. See Creative Need Fulfilment Activity below.
  15. If you’re finding it difficult to identify your need/desire let the other person know this before you start, own it as being about you. Invite them (or someone else if appropriate) to help you explore what your need/desire might be, just be clear this is a separate conversation to the one where you actually ask for what it is you need/desire.
  16. If your partner consistently rejects your request ask them in a non judgemental way what their reason is for doing so. Be prepared to listen and you will probably learn something useful.

Remember that life is all about change, ebb and flow and humans are no different. There will be times when you will have more needs/desires, or neediness in your needs/desires than others, and the same will be true for your partner. Having your needs/desires out in the open will help you move through their changes.

Desperation a Key!

Tantric fire in the heartWe have found that the more desperate you find yourself in your need/desire then the more likely there is something in this need/desire for you to give to yourself, rather than get it (or an aspect of it) from your partner. It can be your psyche’s way of screaming at you to see yourself more clearly. Do yourself a favour and listen as you can experience profound shifts in both yourself and your relationship as a result.

If you find your needs/desires are continually going unmet first review whether you’ve attempted to meet them yourself. Then review the section on ‘How to ask for what you want’ to check out if the way you’re asking for what you want is getting in your way. If you’re clear in these then it’s vital to discuss what is happening with your partner, as this is not a viable long term situation for you.

People commonly think what is the point of being in relationship if the other person isn’t there to fill our needs/desires if we can meet our own anyway? We find what is left is a clearer desire to simply be together…

Creative Need Fulfilment

There are times when our partners (or others) cannot meet our needs/desires, as much as they might like to. How can we embrace our needs/desires without unnecessarily imposing them on others?

We can do so by using our higher intelligence.

As your mind doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality you can experience yourself having your need or desire met simply using the power of your mind and body.Woman Meditation

Centre yourself, imagine yourself experiencing your need or desire fully, fill it out in your imagination as clearly as you can. Then ask for help in meeting this need or desire from your creative self or your higher power, whatever this might mean to you. Allow your imagination to fulfil your need or desire in the most creative way possible, feeling it in your heart and body if the is helpful. Fully embrace the moment.

Then either just enjoy what you’ve received without needing anything more, or use the creative suggestions that have arisen through your intuitive imagination to set about fulfilling your need or desire.

If you’re still having difficulty with needs and desires in your relationship how about contacting Annette or Graeme from Oztantra for a chat about how you can improve your strike rate on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Common Human Needs

Physical Wellbeing
Air, food, exercise/movement, rest/sleep, safety, shelter, sexual expression, touch, water
Connection
Acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand, to be understood, to like and be liked, to need and be needed, trust, warmth.
Honesty
Authenticity, integrity, presence.
Play
Adventure, diversity, fun, excitement, challenge, risk, joy, humour.
Peace
Beauty, communion, ease, equality, balance, harmony, inspiration, predictability, order.
Autonomy
Choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity.
Meaning
Awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding.
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org

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