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Women’s Clitoral Anatomy:

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Discover what’s actually down there…

We mostly know about the clitoris, that little button of female pleasure that has thousands of nerve endings and is most people’s go to for the quickest orgasm.

But did you know that this little button is actually the top of the mountain? And there are so many more parts to it that exploring them makes the clitoris feel like Everest rather than just basecamp?

And that if you go straight to the tip of the clitoris it can soon become over the top, too “owwy” sensitive or shut down. Any one of these can lead a woman to start pushing it, or faking it, which won’t make her keen for more. Imagine if you just had the head of your penis strongly massaged before the shaft, it’s uncomfortable.

Our genitals have lots in common

Just like men have a large amount of erectile tissue that is easily seen, women have exactly the same amount. Except that hers is hidden. But it’s still there, because as an embryo we start life in exactly the same way. It’s just that in male babies at 6 weeks testosterone develops and sends the erectile tissues to the outside.

So when you think of a woman’s genitals, instead of thinking of her just having a tiny clitoral button, think of her having the equivalent of male arousal tissue all through the vulva. The vulva is the bit you can see, with the inner and outer lips (sometimes the inner lips are larger than the outer ones), the clitoris, the clitoral legs that extend either side of the vagina, the urethra and vagina.

How do you make use of this information? 

You start touching a woman (or yourself, if you are a woman) with the intent of arousing all of her erectile tissue, not just the tip of her clitoris.

Actually, before you even start touching, have a look at how her tissues appear in the unaroused state. This will allow you to notice the changes as they arise, as the tissues get more engorged. Not the size, shape and colour of the clitoral glans (head) and if its hood covers over the head, or it shows itself. (Kind of like a shower or a grower penis.)

You start by massaging all around the vulva, starting at her pubic mound with the palm of your hand. In fact, starting by just resting your hand their and letting the warmth of it melt into her is a delicious way of starting she will love you for!

Then include massaging outside her outer lips, from top to bottom, outside in. Take your time here, use broad, sensual strokes. Imagine it is like stroking your penis, allowing time for it to become erect. Notice how this area becomes “puffed up” looking, as the erectile tissues, called the vestibular bulbs, swell with attention. Massaging here also massages the clitoral legs underneath, which allows the clitoral glans to fully awaken.

It’s also worth taking the time to massage her perineum, the area between her vagina and anus. This is because there is a pad of erectile tissue here as well, called the perineal sponge. Having this area massaged can feel really yummy, even orgasmic!

Taking your time gets results

When you’re massaging this whole area, do it with a timeless approach, as if you have all the time in the world to spend here. It doesn’t mean you have to, but giving the feeling of it, rather than having agenda to “get to the point – the clitoral hood”, will allow her to relax and arouse much more easily.

Once all of her genital tissues are plump and engorged a woman may well enjoy playing with, the shaft of her clitoris. Or having it played with. Rolling it between your fingers can feel exquisite.

There are advantages for men here too

The extra advantage is that these swollen erectile tissues help hug the penis, giving the man the feeling of being snug an held inside the vagina.

Massage of the vulva area helps relax and activate the pelvic floor, also meaning more stimulation of pleasure during lovemaking. 

Starting at the outside and slowly making your way to the top of the mountain will be well worth the journey.

What’s not to love about all of this sexy information? 

It’s time to get better acquainted with the clitoris and all of its associated and delicious arousal tissues.

How to Have your Woman Love your Cock

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Yes, it IS possible.

A Lingam Massage will open your man's heart

Imagine your woman loving your cock…not able to take her hands off it…seeing a sparkle in her eye when she comes across it. Maybe even feel some heat build up in her body, bringing a blush to her cheeks and a wanting expression to her face, her legs spreading just a little.

Believe me, it’s something that many women would actually love to experience.

The way to step into this place is three fold

1. Start cultivating a heart on rather than a hard on.

When you’re connected to your heart in sex it’s a whole different experience for both of you. It feels like a sharing, a giving.  With some passionate ravishing along the way. Rather than a using. Using her is continually showing up to sex thinking it’s about performing, giving her an orgasm so you can feel good about yourself. Or focussing being able to off load your sexual energy into her vagina whilst your head is in fantasy land. If this is you, over time your woman is going to shut down and find lots of excuses and reasons to not have sex.

It’s important to be gentle with yourself here- this is how you’ve been conditioned to be. To see being in your heart as scary, yet it’s not, your heart is ultimately the safest place to be.

The How To:

The way to cultivate a heart on is to place one hand on your heart as you’re self pleasuring or having sex. Bring your heart into your awareness. Notice what your heart is feeling, allow whatever its feeling to be felt. This is the way to open your heart for under these feelings is love. When you’re penetrating her feel like you are pouring your heart into her. She will feel it and respond in ways you might not have thought possible.

2. Start mastering your sexual energy. 

A woman’s gspot can take up to 30-40 minutes to be activated and her cervix, 40-60 mins. So if you’re in and over and done with in 10 mins or less, she’ll be left wanting. She’s not going to get anywhere near her full capacity for the sexual deepening. Of what she is capable of- the multi orgasmic ecstasy, the wildness, passion, love and transcendent states she holds in her body. Which is about so much more than just orgasm.

And neither are you. For you are capable of just as much as she is. Mastering your sexual energy is so good for stepping into your masculine power you’ll soon find you will want to do it for yourself, not just for her. And she will love you for it. 

The How To:

The way to master your sexual energy is to start noticing your body in sex and in your self pleasuring (masturbation). Notice every time you start to tense up your muscles. Especially as you get closer to your edge of coming. Notice where you are on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being over the edge into orgasm. When you feel yourself about a 7 pause for a moment and take 3 deep breaths, exhaling out of your mouth. Let all your muscles, especially those around your pelvic floor, buttocks and thighs relax (this will not be easy at first, but it will happen). Then go back to self pleasuring or making love. Vary the speed and depth of your thrusting so you can feel what is happening inside yourself more.

Keep Practicing

Keep practicing the pause and the breathing (let your partner know what you are doing and why). Don’t let slips ups put you off course. With practice when you pause and are inhaling, imagine you are inhaling your sexual energy (the heat and tingling pleasure) away from your genitals, up along your spine and forward into your heart. As you exhale and relax imagine your sexual energy spilling out from your heart into hers. It’s hot. And this is just the beginning.

3. Deshame your cock.

Many men carry shame about their cock, even if they might cover up this shame with a lot of sexual bravado. And we don’t mean just shame about his size.  Men carry shame about the violence men have done with their cocks down the generations and across the world. Men can feel shame just having an erection. Cultivating heart ons and mastering your sexual energy will go a long way towards healing this shame. Your partner can help by playing a light hearted game with your cock called “My pet for the day”.

“My pet for the day” game

She treats your cock like her favourite pet and pats it several times a day, talks to it, feeds it, loves it, takes it in her hand for a walk. The man just allows it, without worrying about needing to have an erection, that’s not what this is about. It’s about valuing the cock and the part it plays in its owner’s sense of self, without judgement. He will love you for it and will be more inspired to do the steps above.

Her shame is not yours

Sometimes a woman can have resistance to your cock which can be about unreleased emotion from feeling used as a sperm receptacle. Or she can have conditioned shame about penis’, cocks and erections. Or she may even have some trauma from past experiences. Her feelings are hers, it doesn’t mean you should avoid wanting the above. Give her the space to feel her feelings without taking them on. Stay clear in your heart and in can be a healing into a delicious new place for both of you.

Tantric Communication Practice

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unhappy couple

Do you find that your communication with your partner never seems to hit the spot?

Are you often left feeling unheard? 

Unseen?

Or uninspired? (You’ve heard it all before…when you used to hang on their every word)

Even disrespected?

Today’s tantric communication practice can help bring about a radical change in your communication style with minimal effort.

Like much of tantra, this is a ritual, a practice

And like any practice the more you do it, the more satisfying it becomes.

It’s simple.

It allows each person to feel heard.

It invites you to listen to each other. To listen from the heart, rather than the head.

We often rarely listen to each other

In normal communication styles there is often very little listening going on. 

We are so used to constantly thinking, our partner has barely got started when we are busy analysing what they’ve said. And how it will impact us. 

Sometimes we are so busy waiting for our turn, working out what we want to say, we don’t really hear what our partner is saying.

Sometimes we check out of the conversation because we think we’ve heard it all before.

We can disagree with what is being said, and immediately try to impose our own point of view. 

Occasionally we can be in fear of what our partner might have to say.  So we either interrupt, ignore, invalidate or check out of their conversation. Because we literally want to protect ourselves from hearing it. 

Also too, we can be emotionally triggered by our partner’s words and either explode into unrelated emotion, or withdraw from it.

This simple tantric practice bypasses all of the above

It does so by getting us to focus on listening and really hearing each other. And nothing else.

It’s not trying to resolve anything.

It’s not trying to get to an outcome.

It’s about really listening, from the heart. 

With practice the space between you gets safer and safer to speak from the heart.

This can truly transform your communication by building trust and intimacy.

Which then allows you to, at other times, more easily resolve issues that arise between you.

It’s pretty good for your sex life too!

The tantric communication practice is called Heart Sharing. It doesn’t have to look as formal as this image but it gives a sense of how tantric communication feels.

Heart Sharing 

How does it work?

  1. You sit opposite each other.
  2. Both partners take a moment to feel into their hearts. You can close your eyes or place a hand on your heart to do this. (This sounds corny but it works.)
  3. See yourself and the person opposite you as divine, empowered beings, creating their own realities. (Ditto.)
  4. One person shares for 3-5 minutes (It’s good to set a timer here).
  5. Once the first partner’s time is up, the listener just says thankyou, NOTHING more.
  6. Then you reset the timer and the second person has their turn, the same as above.

The Speaker

The speaker just speaks, whatever is there.

Without any agenda, or trying to get a particular response.

They really hear themselves more.

Which can help them gain insight into what they are actually putting out there.

A valuable tip is that if you run out of things to say, you just wait, until something else arises. If nothing does, you just sit in silence.

The Listener

The listener just listens. (Yes, God, the Universe or evolution DID give us two ears and one mouth for a reason!)

Whilst they listen, the listener focusses on their heart (keeping their hand their can help).

This helps them hear their partner from as open a place as possible.

The listener notices any inner response or reaction they might have, like those listed above. And instead of speaking or reacting they simply take a deep breath or two…This allows them to stay present with what is being said.

It’s more than just talking

Sitting opposite each other allows more non verbal communication to happen as well.

Heart to Heart communication

The important thing to remember is that this is NOT about AGREEING with your partner.

It’s about LISTENING.

It’s about believing that everyone benefits from being truly heard.

And that being seen is a form of being loved.

As we said, this practice is not about resolving your issues. It’s about building trust.

Over time your sharings will get more and more clear and heart centred

Because you will feel safe, seen and heard. 

With practice you can let go of the timer and just let each person hare until they feel complete. (However, if it starts to feel one sided it’s good to use the timer again).

It works for women because they can speak without needing to be fixed. As she hears herself she can get clearer in what she has to say.

It works for men because they have the space between the words to feel heard. Men can tune in to a woman’s body language without being overwhelmed by her words.

Is it time to let go of the myth of male horniness? 

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It’s been estimated that men think about sex every seven seconds

That’s 8,000 times in 16 waking hours.

How often have you heard this statement quoted as a well accepted truth?

But it’s more of a myth than a truth because there’s been no real research to back this statistic up.

The myth has often been attributed to research by the Kinsey Institute which actually shows that though men think about sex a lot (just like they think about food and sleep) every seven seconds is a gross exaggeration. And we presume this stat was based on men’s perceptions of themselves, rather than on an actual measurement of any kind. 

Is it even true for young men in their sexual prime?

A study by Ohio State University armed a group of 18-to-25-year-olds with handheld tally counters and told them to track their thoughts about sex, food, and sleep. You would think this would be prime time sexville for guys at this age. 

The results: The average man tallied 19 sexy thoughts per day—that comes out to about once every 1.26 hours. To compare that with other thoughts on the average mind, men counted thinking about food 18 times and sleeping 11 times per day. Sex wasn’t even the top craving for women, who reported thinking about sex 10 times, food 15 times, and sleep 8.5 times a day. 

And there are many, many different facets that contribute to these statistics than just horniness! In fact, anecdotally this does seem a bit low. Maybe the men were a bit challenged to be totally honest?

There’s a painful truth behind this statistic

The human side of this myth about men and sex that reveals a very painful story.

Uncertain man

It’s easy for men to feel that they don’t ‘live up to’ this myth. Leaving them feeling ashamed and less ‘like a man’ if they aren’t always in the mood for sex. We hear from many men who feel emasculated because they believe most men have a higher sex drive than they do. And they will push themselves to live up to it. And we’re sure there are many more who are too afraid to even speak up about it. 

It is such a one dimensional way of thinking about a man. That his sex is constantly on tap and at the ready, no matter what else may be going on in his life. 

It’s actually sexist.

On top of the current “toxic masculinity debate” this myth makes it difficult for men to avoid shame in their sexuality.

Men are not machines (sexual or otherwise), they are human.

And as such men are subject to the same vagaries and influences on their sex lives as women. It’s just not allowed to be talked about.

Why wouldn’t stress, medications, hormones, poor diet and exercise, sleeplessness, health and lifestyle issues impact a man’s desire? We know for sure that issues in his intimate relationships will definitely tell on his level of desire.

We need to stop supporting and normalising this myth that men should always be in the mood for sex. It’s not only sexist, it makes a man feel ashamed about asking for support in managing low desire. And it makes him think that there is something deeply wrong with him, when there isn’t.

We spend a mammoth amount of time talking about
and trying ‘fix’ women’s lack of desire.

Whilst men remain locked inside this socially conditioned box without a way out. Sometimes a man’s belief in his low desire might simply be based on this myth alone.

This myth is also harmful to women.

When her man is not desiring her, because of this myth she believes there is something wrong with her. That she is undesirable or inadequate in some way. She may even assume he is no longer attracted to her. Or that he is getting his needs met in porn or even an affair. Leading both partners to feel unwanted and inadequate, making communication seem potentially painful, or even impossible. Intimacy outside the bedroom becomes a mistake. Such a situation can even cause people to question their relationships. 

Or a woman can feel pressured by the myth of the constantly horny partner and either push herself to perform, or to pull back in fear.

All because of a myth. 

The greater truth is that men sometimes have high desire and sometimes low,
just like women. 

suicide man

Just like women, men’s desires can be affected by medications like antihypertensives and anti depressants. By hormonal changes that happen with stress and age, along with lack of fitness or overuse of alcohol, nicotine or cannabis. And by the stresses common to us all around business, finances, depression. As well as feeling emotionally disconnected from himself and/or his partner for whatever reason (although this can create a high level of desire too). 

Inside we all just want to be loved and respected and desired.

Can we see ourselves as humans, rather than mythical beings?

Men don’t have to be hyper sexual to be masculine and powerful. Or deserving of understanding and compassion.

So how much desire is the ‘right’ amount?

We say it is the amount that works for you, once you have cleared yourself of any social, cultural and historical conditioning.

Once you feel like your OWN man.

Whether that’s wanting sex a lot or a little.

You don’t have to want sex for your partner.

As we say to women, sympathy sex is not a good long term solution.

We have found that it is definitely worthwhile exploring where you might be holding yourself back in your desire.

If there is still a difference in your levels of desire it is definitely worth both of you exploring the many ways you might address this. Rather than just suffering through it.

Ways to find more desire…

If you would like to gain a higher level of desire than you currently do there is much you can do to really make a difference:

  • Give yourself permission to disbelieve the myth about men’s constant sexual desire. 
  • Learn what might be influencing your beliefs about your sexual desire. 
  • Have a conversation with your partner if you are in a relationship. To get clear on what is actually happening between you. Clear on how much is truth and how much is not understanding what is really going on. 
  • A visit to your doctor can also be a good start to better understand the impacts of your medication, general health and emotional wellbeing. It can sometimes be as simple as a lack of Vitamin D, which can contribute to depression, malaise and lack of motivation. He will likely encourage you to build in some healthy lifestyle choices that can really make a difference.
  • If you believe your desire is low, carefully monitor your use of porn. Even better, take a break for 3 months, so you can find out where your real desire, separate from a screen lives. But the good news is that if you are a man who is struggling with low desire, there are many things you can do to start regaining your desire.

Remember the right amount of desire is the right amount for you. You don’t always have to be in the mood, it doesn’t make you less of a man. If you do want help to increase your desire, or even understand where your desire is at, ask for help. It’s not unusual anymore. Either alone or with your partner.

Asking for support could be the best decision you ever made.

Contact Graeme on 1800 TANTRA or email here

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