In your relationship fear might be keeping you from:
Or even more freedom in loving them.
Perhaps it is more love or pleasure in the bedroom but you’re too scared to bring the subject up.
This place of fear was certainly true of a lovely couple who came to see us recently. But they both reached inside of themselves and found the place that courage lives and they’re now reaping benefits that had been unimaginable just a few days ago.
So what if it was actually true?
That it was only your fear that was keeping you from what you most want.
What does this word bring up in you?
Perhaps familiar butterflies in your stomach, a slight nausea, a crippling anxiety or possibly a deep-seated terror?
Or you might have no bodily response at all, just a mild interest in the idea.
It’s probably not that your partner is insensitive, uncaring, selfish or uninterested.
It’s just as likely that your fear is not allowing you to really let them see you fully.
It seems easier, and safer, to stay behind your fears and not give them voice.
To see the situation as your partners fault.
To view your fear as you being weak, cowardly and something to be ashamed of.
Or something too big for you to control.
What actually is fear?
We see fear as emotional energy in your body.
Commonly we attach fear based thoughts to our fears and give them much greater power than they deserve.
Fear is part of being human and there is nothing wrong with you if you’re experiencing it.
In fact, fear in your body is the same thing as excitement.
You might remember the early times in your relationship, or even the ones way back in your teenage years where your fear almost felt like excitement, swinging wildly between the two in a way that was intoxicating…
The only difference is in how we manage this energy (and the stress hormones that arise at the same time) in our bodies.
In excitement we keep breathing and tell ourselves something good is going to happen.
In fear we shallow our breath (or even stop breathing) and tell ourselves something bad is about to happen.
What can you do about your fear so that it no longer limits you?
- Understand that fear is energy in your body, one that you have control over.
- Come into the present moment and ask yourself if you’re in actual physical danger (which is quite rare for most of us most of the time)? If yes, do what you need to find safety.
- Identify the signs in your body- tension, butterflies, tingling, nausea, cold, sweating, feeling unsafe.
- Acknowledge them and make them, and your fear, ok.
- Take some slow, deep breaths, imagining your body being strongly supported by the earth below it. If your body knows it has room to breathe, it knows that it is safe.
- If you’re in a high state of fear look closely at the palm of your hand and let it’s realness ground you.
- Notice the thoughts you’re choosing about your fear and whether they’re accelerating or decreasing it eg. “My partner isn’t looking at me or taking any interest in what I’m trying to do or say and this means they’re going to leave me”. Or “My partner isn’t looking at me, that mightn’t mean he is uninterested in what I have to say, or maybe they’re just tired and they’re trying their best to concentrate on what I’m saying. I’ll get curious and ask them”.
- Soothe yourself by choosing only thoughts that do the latter. This doesn’t mean living in a fairytale and imagining everything is wonderful but making some realistic choices.
- Once you have your fear under control do whatever it is you’ve been afraid to:
- Tell your partner what’s in your heart
- Get curious, rather than judgmental about their response, you might learn something
- Do something for them even if it’s challenging for you, especially something they’ve been wanting from you
- Have a conversation about sex, begin gently with some positive comments and own your concerns as yours and be open to what you might discover.
With any of these steps you’re not always going to be assured of their successful outcome.
But you will ALWAYS benefit from the courage you find in yourself to kick fear in the butt and make the steps happen.
If you’re looking to take further steps to create more of what you’re longing for in your relationship why not join us for our upcoming weekend workshop Nov 9-11?