We keep saying it, and we will keep on saying it until it is heard-
Every man’s potential in sex is so much greater than he realises….
As men, our beliefs help create our reality in sex….
Men often hold the common belief that a woman’s sexuality is a mystical and secret garden difficult to comprehend, let alone master.
Yet, when viewing their own sexuality, men tend to believe the opposite is true about themselves, that sex for them is simple, reliable and straightforward.
Believe it or not, having these beliefs is actually limiting your sexual satisfaction.
Learning these Skills is simple, as Oztantra specialises in relationships and sexuality and these skills are introduced in all our workshops, retreats and sessions, both face to face and via skype or other medium.
Other common beliefs about differences in men and women in sex are:
Women require time to warm up, to be in the mood and be ready.
Men are constantly in the mood and ready for action.
Women look for emotional connection, safety and presence.
Men only need visual and physical connection.
Women need romance, foreplay and heart connection.
Men only need a time and a place.
Like most common beliefs there are grains of truth in them.
But have these basic differences in the bedroom become something else, a more serious imbalance?
And is this imbalance the result of men having a very limited view of their own sexuality?
What if 6 minutes was just a beginning?
When reading about Tantric sexuality, it is easy to gain the impression that men can achieve and experience much more in their sexual pleasure than the average of 6 minutes.
If this is correct, then why does such a huge disparity still exist between what is actually happening for men in sex and what is possible for them?
This disparity can also be applied to women and their sexuality.
But in many ways women have made more significant moves forward over the last few decades with the discovery and claiming of their pleasure spots and sexual needs.
In our work with couples, particularly in dealing with men and their sexual issues, we firmly believe that most men only achieve around 10% of their capacity for pleasure from their sexuality.
The Crockpot and The Microwave
It is frustrating and demeaning when men are “sucked” into believing the sexual stereo type that women are like crockpots in sex.
Let them simmer away all day and by night they’re juicy and tender, where men are like a microwave- stick it in hard and fast and a few minutes later beep, beep, beep he’s done.
It’s not you, it’s your conditioning…
For a boy, this belief and the conditioning that supports it starts very early in his life.
Boys are generally being hugged less than girls and influenced not to be an emotional ‘pussy’, boys are told to be tough and not express their feelings. Physical contact is only through rough play and use of his intellect is encouraged.
When these boys start discovering their sexuality through masturbation (self pleasuring) they’re most often afraid to feel and instead, tend to get it up and over and done with as quick as they can, going straight for the good bit at the end before they get caught.
As a boy matures, this trend continues, getting it up and over and done with before his lover changes her mind, or before the kids wake up.
And when middle age kicks in, men get it up and done with before collapsing into sleep, their lover losing interest or them losing their erection.
This addictive habit of going hard for the end result from the very beginning has,without a man’s awareness, numbed feeling in his penis (lingam), limiting his ability to feel what he’s capable of during sex.
Unhealthy self pleasuring later creates problems for men in relationships,because of what they’ve conditioned themselves, most often from a shame place.
This often works against them in lovemaking with their partner as they get older.
During lovemaking, real pleasure comes from him having more sensitivity rather than less, having more full bodied rather than just lingam focused experiences and taking his time rather than rushing to the end.
Getting it over and done with is a habit that is very difficult to turn around as frequent ejaculation for the sake of ejaculation easily becomes a very tough habit to break.
Regularly we see middle aged men (or their partner’s) lose interest in sex because they don’t recognise or can’t get past this issue.
Moving Beyond What You Know
At this point it is important to understand that for men, ejaculation and orgasm are two very separate functions.
Because they usually occur at the same time it’s easy to see why men believe they’re the same thing.
Women ejaculate separately from orgasm and their experience is very different.
Genital ejaculation for a man feels good and is its own pleasurable experience, but still falls a long way short of the full body multiple orgasmic pleasure he is capable of.
Quick and frequent ejaculation is enough to keep the 10% group interested in sex but talking to men who are caught up and locked into this old habit we hear they suspect there is more possible.
They might look longingly at their frequently orgasming partners and simply not know how to discover this for themselves.
Combining this lack of knowledge with the numbness developed from harsh self pleasuring techniques and limited emotional connection has left men with a real problem.
Learning From Your Opposite
This is where both men and women can learn from the differences in their physical and sexual make up, differences that support sexual attraction, desire and pleasure.
During sensual massage, women appreciate and respond to heart connected touch that begins energizing her from her extremities.
This is not just her being precious, it’s how her body actually works.
Starting with having her hair stroked, the back of her neck, her arms, hands, butt, legs and toes touch is slowly brought via her breasts, belly and inner thighs to her sex centre, her genitals.
Imagine she is wearing a bikini and during the massage, resist touching her covered area’s until the final stages (even if she is begging….!!!).
You can tease and maybe lightly brush, but don’t directly touch here until the last stages.
This takes her sexual energy from her outside to her inside, waking up her sexual energy through her whole body and bringing it to her sex centre.
With a man it’s the opposite.
Sensual massage starts his sexual energy from his genitals, his sex centre, waking it up here first then spreading it throughout his whole body.
Men are able to create extremely intense pleasurable sex energy very quickly from their genitals and when they choose from habit to keep it there and ejaculate quickly this energy is lost, expended.
Helping him choose instead to circulate and breathe this energy through his body will open him up to a whole new world of pleasure.
You can do this with a massage that focus’s directly on waking up his sexual energy with immediate lingam touch.
This helps get and keep keep his attention inside his body. Encouraging him to breathe deeply helps him to relax, open and expand.
Once his pleasure begins to arise use your hands (one at a time with one always remaining on his lingam) to touch and awaken the rest of his body. Move outward from his lingam to the rest of his genitals, his belly, thighs, chest, arms, legs, neck, fingers and toes.
Encouraging him to continue breathing deeply and imagine his energy circulating throughout his body is a simple yet powerful beginning in discovery of full body pleasure.
It’s Not About Performing…
It takes only awareness and connection to wake up a man’s sexual energy, to begin to circulate it through his whole body, creating full body pleasure, and with practice, full body orgasm and multiple orgasm.
Any man who desires achieving this for himself, must firstly be willing to let go of performing and focus more on relaxing and feeling, particularly with an open heart.
An open masculine heart is a powerful container in any relationship and requires focus, awareness and vulnerability.
The rewards are many and you can’t fail here, just having a go is huge.
Very few men have achieved this for themselves or with their partner, yet more are learning.
It is a simple win, win process, it does take a willingness to go there, to believe that you are more than your conditioning.
Knowing this is possible is a start.
Going into this place for any man will unlock his emotional self, open his heart and create a heart sexual connection that is life changing.
In this space, both be prepared for emotional rawness, softness and depth that either of you most likely haven’t experienced before.
In this place of self discovery, men will learn that they are capable of so much more, and that their variety of orgasmic experiences is unlimited.
Bringing sensitivity and awareness back into his lingam also means re learning how to be with himself, as it will be excitingly different.
The heightened sensitivity is an amazing experience, but takes practice and good communication with your partner.
Imagine, making love and his lingam is alive, energized and feeling.
A lingam that can really feel inside his lover and is fully activated and alive.
A lingam that can bring this energy to clitoris, Gspot, cervix, prostate and all the other pleasure spots inside us, bringing us alive with love and connection.
Yes, man is different from woman in sex. He is also different from whom he’s been conditioned to be.
He is capable of so much more and it begins with awareness of his potential, a willingness to explore and an unwillingness to settle for anything less.