It’s The Hottest Thing You Can Do For Your Man In Bed Tonight (and one that is good for you too!)
And all you need to grab for it, is a handful of oil or lubricant and your man…
“I didn’t know how to feel, so I learned to touch” sings Leonard Cohen
This is true for so many men. Young boys feel just as much as girls, until they grow up conditioned by society to toughen up, “not be a pussy” or worst of all to “man up!”
In our work, we see that men DO feel, deeply and powerfully, in a way that is more of an internal experience rather than an external expression (anger and sex are the two exceptions here).
We see it in our work because the place where men are most motivated to risk feeling fully is in sex. The bonuses of him doing so pay off in many more ways than just the few seconds of his orgasm.
From not having permission to feel, and with his way of feeling made wrong, many men learn to perform and touch in sex, rather feel, connect and open.
Rock His World
The simple but profound practice we’re offering today will give him the chance to do just that. In fact, it can help break his heart wide open! For the woman who loves him, if she’s looking for more ‘connection’ in their lovemaking this is a great place to find it. And as we said, it impacts on more than just the bedroom.
This practice can leave him happier and more connected to himself in the rest of his world too. The practice we’re referring to is Tantric Practice called a Lingam Massage (Lingam is the Tantric name for his penis or cock, but use whatever works for you. Many men enjoy knowing they have a light sabre between their legs, one that emits love and light, not just semen).
In preparation for writing this article we asked some men who’ve experienced it for their own words on the subject.
If there’s anything that will render a man poetic, it’s this place
One man described a Lingam massage as “joining all the dots of sex, intimacy and connection. It validated a very deep part of me and made me feel comfortable with myself in a whole new way. It may sound over the top, but for me it was life changing!”
Another mentioned finding “a place of spaciousness, a timeless experience of my authentic power that lies beyond the mind.”
Still another said “I found I was not only able to feel more but was able to open my heart to my partner and really receive her love.”
One said “I now see how much more I can be. I’m now able to fully love my beautiful wife as she deserves to be loved, and I feel deserving of hers.”
And last but not least this: “I found it powerful yet subtle. It was very pleasurable and enjoyable without the need to perform in any way. I could just open and experience what was happening in my body. It helped me remove shame and guilt around my sexuality and sexual desire. It also connected me to a deep, yet quiet, sense of myself and my own power.”
Letting Go of the Need to Perform
Lingam massage gives a man the chance to feel without having to perform, or give, in any way other than by being himself. It’s a rare and precious opportunity for him. One that will change his lovemaking forever as he relaxes into himself. He’ll learn what it is like to feel full bodied, heart connected pleasure. It’s likely that he’s never experienced himself in this way before.
The bonus for the woman who shares this practice with him can be life changing too. As helping him to feel himself this way ensures he will feel her more easily too…yummy for both the giver and receiver!
As this is not about performing, he doesn’t even need to get an erection. He may have the best erection of his life. If he doesn’t nothing is wrong, his body may just be profoundly relaxing. There is still much pleasure he can experience, as surprisingly he doesn’t require an erection to feel it! You both just need to let go of attachment to the idea that an erection is the only measure of his pleasure. Instead notice what else is going on and enjoy that.
Setting the Scene
- Invite your man into the bedroom by letting him know you have a special treat for him, and that all he has to do is just relax!
- Have him lie on his back with you sitting on a cushion facing him, with his butt in your lap and his throttle in your hot little hands. (You can rest your legs along either side of his chest). This is actually quite a vulnerable position for him to be in so be gentle and loving in how you approach him.
- Invite him to rest his hands on your knees so he can feel connected to you but make sure he doesn’t caress you as this is about him receiving and feeling himself. If he’s doing he’s more likely to be outside of himself rather than connecting within.
- Rest both hands over his genitals for a few moments and look him in the eyes whilst reassuring him all he has to do is breathe, relax and receive.
- Move one had up to his heart and ask him to take a few deep breaths, exhaling out through his mouth.
Moving Into the Massage
- Using a natural oil such as coconut or a long-lasting lubricant massage his genitals. Include the whole area- his lingam, inner thighs, pubic area, balls, ball sack, and his perineum (the area between his balls and his anus). Don’t be afraid to explore. Keep one hand stroking his lingam (or keep coming back to it) to keep his attention focussed.
- If he’s particularly sensitive stroke gently, if he likes it more firmly then use more pressure, keep checking in with him how he likes it in each area.
- Keep encouraging him to breathe deeply, exhaling at the back of his throat.
- If his arousal starts to peak, pause your movements (but keep your hands on him) ask him to inhale and imagine he’s breathing his pleasure up to his heart. As he exhales he relaxes his pelvic floor muscles (the ones between his legs) and imagines his pleasure spreading through his body. This is called surfing the edge and will bring his arousal down enough for you to keep playing. It might take 3 or 4 breaths for his arousal to shift, you’ll know it’s working when his lingam softens slightly.
- To help take his pleasure up to his heart, run your hand from his lingam up his belly to his heart. This gives his mind a concrete sensation to focus on. He may feel an ‘energetic block’ between his lingam and his heart, if he does trust this is real, invite him to keep relaxing, breathing his energy up and see what happens. With practice this block will dissolve or shift.
You Have his Heart in Your Hands
You might just be massaging his genitals yet in reality you’ve got his heart in your hands as well. Be fully present with him, allowing his heart to gently crack open a little each time. You keep him safe by being present, loving and connected.
Spend about an 30 mins to an hour here. Take your time, relax into the moment rather than seek any particular outcome.
You don’t need any specific techniques (if you know 2, you’ll know one more than him). Vary your speed, pressure, location (base, middle, tip) and make sure you keep lots of oil or lube up. If you don’t he’ll get sore, and this is not what you want!
Mostly just put your love into your hands and eyes and invite him to drink it in. This is better than any fancy technique. And the more you’re in your own heart, the more you’ll give him permission to feel his…
Keep His Attention on Himself
Keep his attention on what he’s feeling inside himself, whatever it is. Ask him about what he is feeling occasionally. He may not even have any words for it as yet (he’s probably never been asked to explain it before!). He may be feeling heat, tingling, desire, pleasure, pressure, softening, connection, opening, expansion.
As you massage remember to breathe yourself, as this keeps your energy flowing and you relaxed too. Enjoy the feeling of having your man allowing you into his most vulnerable of places. Validate him for going there and keep your words to those of love and encouragement. As you imagine you would most like to receive if you were in his position.
Pleasure Can be Separate to an Erection
If your man happens to not get an erection there is nothing wrong. It just means he has some shame, fear or anger being activated for healing. Keep stroking with love and invite your man to stay present in his body and to keep breathing. He might like to rock his hips backwards and forwards as you stroke, this can help shift the emotion.
Be open to whatever happens.
As we said, you might just be massaging his genitals but it is so much more. Such is the power of this practice it can open up all sorts of previously undiscovered places and feelings in a man. One of which will definitely be enormous gratitude!
Getting him used to feeling, and being safe in it, will increase your man’s desire to take his time in lovemaking. To trust opening his heart and to trust you in the process- serious gifts for any relationship!
This practice is the beginning of a man experiencing full bodied pleasure and lasting longer. It is also the path to non ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms. So it’s worth doing regularly and his experience will be different each time. As his lovemaking will become.
If you like this practice and would like to explore further consider bringing in some sexual healing as outlined here on our Sexual Healing page
Despite his conditioning, a man hugely benefits from the chance to explore his ability to feel. Especially when it comes to the bedroom and it in no way makes him less manly. Rather, it makes him just the opposite!
We respectfully teach Lingam Massage in our Couples Retreats and, where helpful in our Couples Sessions!
If you have any questions about this practice please don’t hesitate to contact us.
Hi Annette & Graeme, I have been teaching couples how to massage each other for relaxation and intimacy but in a non-sexual way. I look forward to learn more about Lingam massage in your Couples retreat in Bali in September. It’s our 10th year wedding anniversary this August and I want us to prioritize our relationship for a change. Ideally I would love to have a small commitment ceremony during the retreat, if it’s possible. I’m excited! 🙂
Annette & Graeme says
Hi Ingrid, that’s wonderful news! It’s so important for couples to prioritise their relationships otherwise the energy can drain out of them when everything else gets all the attention. We can certainly create a commitment ceremony, how about then the retreat gets closer we get together for a skype (included) and have a chat about your desires. Warm Regards, Annette