Tantric Tips for lovemaking

Decide that you have the right to experience feeling totally ecstatic and blissful! Leave any "should nots" at the door! Be proactive in your own sexuality. It’s ok to have fun as well - don’t take it or yourself too seriously!

How to take control of and increase your sexual pleasure:

Pick the moment of your best orgasm ever, remember how good it felt? Nice huh?

Now multiply that by say 7 or 8 times. Mmm! even better.

Now imagine holding this for a couple of hours! Whaaat?

And this is all with out ejaculation. Or even penetration.

Did you know that ejaculation and orgasm are two separate functions, so that you can have as many orgasms as you want, bigger and more amazing than you can imagine, and then choose if and when you want to ejaculate? 

You probably think that orgasm and ejaculation are the same thing because they have always happened at the same time.

So how can I experience pleasure this?

By undoing the conditioning you have in your mind and in your body about how sex should be. By learning how to invite your heart into sex, sustain intense pleasure in your body and letting go of your addiction to ejaculation.

Ever since you started being sexual it is likely that you have been doing it in a hurry. Historically you had to quick in case some wild animal came along to disturb you from procreating the species. In your early adolescence masturbation would be quick and furtive to avoid the shame of getting caught. Same thing with early partners. Then there's usually a brief period where sex is the main thing on your agenda in your relationship (known as the honeymoon period) where you start to want to last longer. Then in midlife it's quick to fit sex in before the kids wake up or before you go to sleep at the end of a working day. In older age you try to be quick before you lose your erection!

Boys learn to view "coming" as a way to relieve the pressure of intense feelings or emotions in their bodies. As an adult "coming" (or "going") is continued to be seen as a form of stess or emotional release.

Part of you is addicted to getting there as quick as you can.
Your mind and body become conditioned to this way of being.

So when you have the time and the inclination to want last longer, to experience more pleasure and to give your partner more pleasure your mind/body can feel like an enemy. No matter how hard you try the rush to the end will keep tripping you up.

There is yet another area of conditioning- a Fear of intimacy, emotions and vulnerablility.
Boys are touched less than girls. They are stopped being hugged at an earlier age and taught to be "manly" ie. to deny their emotions. In this way men are conditioned to cut off from their bodies and live more in their minds. This is one of the reasons why pornography is so popular- enjoyable sex with limited intimacy involved.

For a man Intimacy= feelings= emotions= fear= vulnerability= annihilation (death of the ego)

Limiting emotional awareness also limits the amount of pleasure men can feel. Men are not taught healthy expression of anger and so supress it or channel it into aggression. Passion is created in the same area of the body as anger and sexuality- the belly. To suppress one is to suppress the others.

Lastly, men carry a lot of shame and guilt around their sexuality, being seen as driven by something often regarded as dirty or shameful, and denying the love that it can create. Many men also carry subconscious gulit and shame about the rape and violence committed against women and men by men in the history of mankind.

So the key to learning to overcome premature ejaculation, impotence and become multi orgasmic is about learning to become present with intensity of feelings in your own body (and your partners).

How do you do this?

You can learn many different techniques to help delay ejaculation. Many of them ask you to dampen your pleasure or hold yourself back. Or to be focussed in your head performing the technique but not necessarily connecting with your partner. The following beginners outline will teach you the skills that will change your relationship to sex and invite your partner closer, have them wanting more sex with you as you become more connected to your heart and to Love. Even more surprising is that you will open to greater pleasure and Love yourself, driving out the pressure to perform, driving out loneliness, fear and shame as you become a master in your sexual energy flow which will resonate in every area of your life.

To begin:
Learn to get in touch with and healthily express your anger (see Emotional Mastery books and workshops by Nicholas De Castella as a good resource).

In sex take the focus of your mind off the goal of getting to orgasm, and initially off your partner (including the fantasy partner on the screen- real or imagined) and be present with what is happening in your body. Learn what it is that you are actually feeling (the rewards are well worth it). It pays to let your partner know what you are doing here as a sensitive lover will feel the change in focus)

Take the time to slow down and feel. Do less, feel more.

Take a moment to deepen your breath, into your belly, expand more fully into your chest. Exhale with an "ah sound". Notice how this feels.

Mentally explore your whole body (not just your penis = Lingam) for sensations.

Become aware of your heart. Breathe from your lingam up to your heart on your inhalation and relax as you exhale. Imagining breathing your pleasure up through a straw to your heart as a white light can assist. This starts to build the heart connnection to sex.

Notice when the need to ejaculate arises. For the first couple of times just become more aware of it. The next time see if you can choose to let that surge of desire to be put to the side and stay present with your other feelings, whilst continuing to breathe and relax.

You may be aware of a feeling of letting go, of fear or vulnerability in your body as you do this. Just notice whatever happens allow and don't judge it. It means your heart is opening. It is vital to become comfortable with these feelings as they are the gateway to increased pleasure and love. To see more on emotions click here

With practice when you feel the ejaculation urge arise take a big, deep breath and breathe this intensity up your spine away from your lingam to help reduce the urge to come. Exhale with an "ah" sound. To help, as you inhale squeeze your pc muscles (that you use to stop the flow of urine) tight and also your anus, relax them as you exhale. The more you control your breath the more you control the urge to come and increase the pleasure in your body. 

As you breathe up the pleasure you may notice yor lingam becomes a bit softer, that's ok, now you can enjoy recreating it!

Whilst you are learning (well, never actually) don't beat yourself up is you ejaculate sooner than you would like. think of it as another reson for more practicing! Start breathing the feelings up sooner rather than later eg. at a 6 on a scale of 1-10 if 10 is the point of no return. Then slowly allow yourself to get closer to an 8, 9 or 9.5 as you increase control. When you get into the area of 9.5 is where your body can go into rolling orgasms, tha just flow on and on as you allow them. It helps to relax your lingam and your pc muscle here, whilst keeping your anus tightening and relaxing.

Start this practice by yourself, using lots of lubricant. You can focus more easily on your own. Take your time to enjoy it, this is not about just "getting off".

If you have a willing partner practice in front of them, this requires increased skill in remaining focussed on your body, it also increases your level of vulnerability and your level of pleasure.

Take it up another notch by asking your partner if you can lay your butt in their lap and have them plesure your lingam, again with lots of lubricant. You will need to let them know when you want them to stop moving so you can breathe the feelings up your spine and relax to side step the ejaculation. Your partner will be thrilled to have you in their hands in this way- powerful, pleasurable yet vulnerable and heart opened.

Take your practice into lovemaking when you feel comfortable with it, as being inside your partner take the intensity up another notch again.

A quick final word- Tantric sex is often portrayed as very soft and gentle, which it can be. It can also be intensly energetic and powerful, as in the multi orgasm stage or in the ascension to higher states possible. There is no one way to be in tantra, but none of it is for the faint hearted.

It is truly a man empowered in himself that makes love (and life) from this place. 
For more on this topic see Ejaculation business for men

10 keys for you to increase your sexual pleasure into the purely Yummy range!

A quick word about where you are right now-
Are you one of the many women frustrated with the whole question of sex? Would you rather avoid it all together  and settle for a hug, or perhaps your would like more sex but feel totally shut down? Or do you already enjoy sex and are keen to explore further? No matter where you are on your sexual journey there are possibilities for learning, healing and growing in this crucial aspect of who we are- whether we express our passion sexually or purely in living and loving life! 

Before you read the 10 Keys to greater pleasure it is important to gain some awareness about why it might not be happening for you right now, as knolwedge is power. You will note that almost none of these reasons focus on your lover as you can't change them, but changing yourself can allow great things to happen!

10 ways we deny ourselves sexual pleasure (we are complex beings after all!):

1. We (like men) have been conditioned into thinking that sex is about physical pleasure and love is about romance and that the two are separate. That sex is in some way naughty and that love is pure. This does not need to be true as having sex with your heart open unites sex and love into one, allowing us to feel pleasure and love at the same time. 
2. We have learned to approach sex in a more masculine way with purely the goal of orgasm (as liberated women we rightly want to claim it as a right), but trying to "make" orgasm happen keeps us focussed on thinking (usually several things at once) rather than feeling. You can't feel pleasure (or love) without being present in your body.
3. In looking to make orgasm happen, as soon as we begin to feel pleasure we tense our bodies and shallow our breath, going quiet and still, or very active and pushing for the goal, all of which short circuits the pleasure.
4. All this effort puts our body into a "doing" mode rather than a receiving one, and a woman's body, being created as a vessel, is built to receive the joy of which we can miss out on if we focus only on doing.
5. We keep pur hearts closed and our emotions cut off (in the belief that emotions are wrong). We do this to avoid feeling vulnerable or getting hurt, or feeling pain we carry from the past. Yet an open heart is the most powerful aphrodisiac on earth- just ask anyone newly in love! Often we can demand our partner be emotionally open to us without realizing how shut down our own hearts actually are.
6. We often get trapped into believing we need the perfect partner to magically take us to heaven in bed and remain frustrated rather than actively doing what we can to help ourselves.
7. We focus more on having the exterior of our bodies perfect, rather than feeling them and enjoying them just as they are.
8. We let our partners get away with having emotionally disconnected sex by enduring it and not speaking up for our needs and inviting them into a deeper, more fulfilling experience.
9. We put up up with painful sex because we don't know how to heal.
10. We are unaware of, or afraid of the awesome power of our sexuality and so keep it under wraps, denying ourselves access to our inner radiance and beauty. 

The way for us as women to open to sexual pleasure is to focus on relaxation rather than tension and "trying to make" anything happen. And trusting that if we allow  it our body knows what to do.
We invite you to spend a little time connecting with your deeper sexual self. When you are ready to explore find a warm, quiet place and enough time to really enjoy yourself. With practice you can share this way of being with your beloved.

10 Keys to create (Yummy) sexual pleasure:
1. Be prepared to have your mind focussed inside your body rather than in thinking, so that you are actually able to feel what is happening within it. And to notice any pleasurable sensations you can feel and enjoy without worrying whether an orgasm is going to happen or not. Take the pressure off yourself.
2. Breathe a bit bigger than you usually do, deeply down into your belly, expanding your chest then relaxing on the exhale, allowing yourself to "surrender" into your body. Breathing is the number one key to sexual pleasure. Saying "ah" on the exhale will assist.
3. Bring your focus to your yoni (vagina) and pelvic floor muscles between your legs. Consciously allow these muscles to relax. You are likely to be surprised at how much tension you are carrying from unconscious freas and tensions held there. Pc squeeze (tighten and relax the muscles bewteen your legs that you use to control the flow of urine) regularly as you breathe.
4. Breathe and feel into your heart, be aware of something in your life you are grateful for. Gratitude is a wonderful heart opener. Hold your breasts gently and lovingly in your hands. You can then stroke them gently or keep holding them. Continue to breathe in to your heart.
5. Become aware of and feel any pleasurable sensations. Allow your hips to move in a flowing manner- back and forth, side to side, around in a circle. To strengthen your mind/breath/body connection inhale as you arch your back, exhale as you flatten your lower back on the floor or bed in the way of the powerful "Firebreath". Feel your sexual power arising, give yourself permission to fully enjoy your arousal. This is just for you and you are worth it!
6. Use your voice- allow yourself (and your partner) to hear your pleasure. Your voice is intricately connected to your sexual energy so overcome any resistance and let your sounds be heard.
7. Continue to notice the sensations you can feel in your body eg. perhaps warmth or tingling (or even numbness at first). Don't judge them or force them, just notice them. Allow them to be there just as they are. Enjoy them just as they are. Feel any emotions you become aware of, keep breathing and let them flow for emotions are feelings too and shutting them off shuts off your pleasure.
8. Continue the above steps if orgasm approaches. Let go of how it "should" be. Your experience is unique, there is no right or wrong. Let your body go with the flow.
9. Touch your genitals now if you would llike to, touching them with love rather than technique. Perhaps using a vibrator or sex toy here to increase the sensations you experience which can be a more direct way to orgasm or can allow first time sensations to become clearer. However it is vital to also explore just what your body can do on it's own when touched with just love to avoid numbing or missing your initial, more subtle at first, response.
10. Expanding pleasurable sensations with your breath- you can build on any pleasurable sensations by taking a long, slow, deep breath in and imagine as you are breathing in that you are moving the orgasmic energy from it's centre in your yoni up through your body, as if through a golden straw, up into your heart, or your Third Eye (in the middle of your forehead) then as you relax with a sighing exhale allow the energy to continue spreading through your whole body. Or back to your genitals. The longer you can inhale/exhale the more pleasure you can feel. You can inhale with several small "sips" if you like, making it a longer breath. If you try this just as you actually begin to orgasm it should convince you (if you need it) that there is a definite link between the breath and sexual pleasure. It can also relieve the post orgasm "owie, don't touch, sensation in the clitoris. Breathing the pleasure up to your heart transmutes pleasure into love, turning sex into love.

You will notice that the above keys are all things you can do for yourself- this means you can increase your pleasure without relying on your partner having to have the perfect technique. In fact the more in connection we are with our own bodies, the more receptive we are to our partner's touch. You will also be inpiring him to new heights himself!

After exploring your body in this way you might be ready to move on to exploring another aspect of your sexual self- your Gspot, also known as your Sacred Spot. And yes, you do have one- they usually just need to be awakened first before you can feel them. To find out more about this delicious aspect of our sexuality click here for more!

Relax into bliss...

How does Tantric Sex differ from other kinds of sex?

Remembering there are many different layers and varieties of experience possible here is a quick snapshot:

Think of sex as it is often portrayed in the media, in the movies, in porn and in our imaginations- the setting is idyllic with soft lighting, music, (or whatever YOUR particular fantasy is). He is handsome, tanned, he's perfectly proportioned with a six pack, he's rich, generous and SO romantic with just the right words to melt you, and all the right moves. She is stunningly beautiful, slim with firm perky breast, hair styled, skin smooth and waxed, nails done, teeth whitened, natural makeup, gorgeous lingerie and she's hot, wet, and willling to try anything. the sex is spontaneous, effortless and explosive...

Think of how sex can be in reality- instead of your fantasy partner you're faced with your real life one who, no matter how wonderful, is still more human than perfect. It might be late at night after a long day, or a few drinks too many, or maybe you're trying to fit it in on a Sunday morning before the kids wake? Both of you are tired, at least one of you would rather sleep or just have a cuddle. You might be looking to offload some pent up stress, or to reassure yourself that your partner still loves you. You keep the light off or your eyes closed to stay in your fantasy, or avoid getting too close..... And when you get into bed perhaps you do the same old things you always do which can feel pretty good, even if they no longer light your fire like they used to. You might be aware of power plays simmering over who does/doesn't do/get what, but your itch is getting scratched. There is tensing to acheive orgasm as your bodies push to achive release and then finally there is that spill over into sleep where you can both disappear for a while....

In Tantric sex- you have a prior agreement to get together and share some intimate sensual, sexual time but have no agend for what will happen, whether this time will be for 10 minutes or 2 hours.

It isn't that long since your last time together so you have a strong sense of connection. There is no problem with the "lack of spontenaity" as you will be using tantric alchemy to consciously create something wonderful, rather than relying on chemistry to do it for you. Just coming into the space together allows you to relax and the sexual energy to arise. You are without fear of intimacy, being comfortable to be vulnerable and get really close. Your meditative mind clears in preparation for feeling.

You let go of any relationship frustrations and come into the here and now to open hour heart and meet the God or Goddess that exists within yourself and your lover, knowing sexual love has the power to heal and move you beyond the frustrations of the ego. You each share what your desires for the time are, feeling the joy of asking for what you want and being heard without judgement. With your tantric toolbox you find a way to embrace the desires of each in some way.  

You slowly come into awareness with your body, dropping into the flow of your life force energy which opens and tantalizes. Then you open to your beloved, fully present with them, connecting deeply through your eyes and your breath, with an attitude of gratitude. Together you slowly build intensity then relax, allowing it to spread through your whole bodies. Then rebuild intensity to the next peak, relax then spread the energy to build it again, enjoying the valleys of stillness in between. There is no goal of orgasm, no tensing or pushing for release. You are creating love together. Depending on your intention you can create increasing levels of intensity and scale the dizzy heights of pleasure, perhaps meeting the face of God, or just drift along together in bliss. Letting go of trying to force orgasmic pleasure allows it to happen. The love you create can be gentle and flowing or mind expandingly magical. There are so many wonderful pleasures to experience that scratching your itch doesn't seem to matter.

You decide to complete when the time is up. No matter what has taken place you each feel nurtured, renewed and loved.