Saying NO To Sex…
Saying Yes to sex, especially a hell Yes! is an affirmation of yourself, of sex and even of life- it is after all an expression of your life force energy, and the more the you say Yes to it the more it will say yes to you!
And the opposite is also true, a no dampens your response. We can all say no to sex now and again… after a hard day at work, when we’re feeling low in energy or frustrated in our relationship, even men can turn their back at times. It’s important to honour our No’s and not make them wrong. (Nb. If you have a regular no you need to look at that).
But what about a time when you’ve said no without even realising it? If you find you’re just going through the motions in bed, struggling to find pleasure, connection or meaning in your lovemaking ask yourself the question: Have you made a decision to shut your sexuality down?
Our minds have a powerful influence on how we experience ourselves, including our love lives. If you’ve ever not been able to turn your mind off in sex, or daydreamed in an all too real fantasy you’ll know what we mean!
As funny as it might sound, it’s common for people to make the decision to say no to sex (or even pleasure) somewhere inside themselves even if they’ve long forgotten it since. Human beings are very logical creatures and our decision no doubt made good sense to us at the time. Now your internal decision maybe still lurking beneath the surface denying you the pleasure you’re capable of, even making it difficult for you to be fully present in your body. If this is the case, perhaps it’s time to explore your decision and let it go.
There are many and varied reasons you might have chosen, consciously or unconsciously, to shut down sexually, here are just a few. Perhaps you have:
- Been continually rejected.
- Negative judgements about yourself that make it difficult to feel good.
- Been having a really stressful time in your life and just gave up on sex.
- Been physically unwell.
- Been unhappy in your relationship.
- Fears about the emotional vulnerability in good sex.
- Become older and believe your lack of desire is hormonal or natural.
- Wanted to punish your partner in some way and so shut down and withheld.
- Had someone cross your sexual boundary and you shut down to protect yourself.
- Had a sexual experience that scared you in its pain or intensity.
- Been conditioned by your family, society or religion that sex is wrong.
- Had a traumatic time giving birth.
- Made such a connection with your newborn child you have no room for your partner.
- Been caught masturbating as a child and shamed about it.
- Been sexually assaulted.
It’s important to realize that though you might not be able to change the external circumstances in which you said no to your sexual self you can change your belief about it and so change the way you experience your sexuality from here on.
How do you find what your own reason might have been?
Take out a pen and piece of paper, centre into your body (close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and let your attention settle inside yourself) and give yourself permission to write unfiltered. Begin each line with ‘I shut my sexuality down because…’ and write as fast as you can, almost without thinking or stopping to judge your answers. Just let them flow out of you, even if they might not be totally true when you look back at them later, just get them on paper for now.
When you have an answer that has a lot of energy or feels right in your gut take a few minutes to pause, reflect on the thought you’ve stopped at, breathe deep into the feeling(s) that comes with it. Let this feeling(s) flow through and out of you. Notice any details that fill themselves out in your mind as you do so.
When you’re ready, forgive yourself or anyone else involved in the situation that needs forgiving (if you you’re not ready to do this just focus on yourself for now. You might have some further feelings that need to be felt before you find your heart opening again).
Now feel into your body, breathe into your genitals and see what they’re feeling – perhaps more awake, energized, lighter or more ready to open and explore. If so, go to it! You may need to let go of your decision a few times, even during lovemaking, if it’s an old one but with practice it will happen.