Why I don’t always ask for what I want??
As women we are encouraged all the time to speak up for what we want in sex. This can be easier said than done. There are so many external perceptions, rules, beliefs and judgments, fears and desires about how we should be in and around sex it can be a minefield to actually see where we are at in ourselves and what we might want to ask. It is worthwhile to take some time out outside of sex, to decide what is important for you and what is not, to know your own sexual landscape. This is not to create a fixed identity, but to have clear, grounded place in yourself to start from.
At the thought of sex here are just some of the thoughts that can roll around in our heads (some of these are more relevant for women, a few are non gender specific) :
What is sex all about for me as a woman? Do I really want it, or am I merely giving it to get love, or approval?
If I do/don’t really want it, is this ok? If I do want it am I a slut? If I don’t want it am I frigid?
Should I still try to be ‘good’? Or is it important to celebrate both my Madonna & my Whore?
Am I thin/beautiful enough to have the light on? To be acceptable?
The way I look- should I have hair down there, some hair, no hair? A clamshell vulva or one with butterfly shaped inner lips?
Is how I smell ok down there? Or do I need to keep washing and deodorizing? Have I shaved my legs, got the right lingerie?
Am I wrong for not being lubricated yet? Am I a failure if I use lubricant?
What is the true anatomy of my genitals- including how big is my clitoris, does it have legs, do I actually have a gspot, a cspot, a uspot and even an aspot? Can I have pleasure inside my vagina or is this a myth? Likewise do I have a prostate or is this a myth too? Confusing?
Orgasms- can all my “spots” have orgasms, do I even need genitals for orgasm, or just use breathing and have an energy orgasm? What does a ‘proper’ orgasm look like and is mine proper?
Penetration- are my orgasms with penetration superior to ones without? Or is porn just out to convince me it is?
Are hands free orgasms ‘better’ than ones where I have touched myself ‘down there’?
Is it ok for me not to have an orgasm at all?
Is it ok for me to make noise or do I need to hide my sounds of pleasure?
Faking it- how big is the desire to fake my orgasm? What drives this- desire to please the man, get sex over with, denial of my own right to pleasure?, shame that I haven’t/can’t or ignorance as to how to go about it?
I don’t feel anything, what should I do? Or I feel so much it hurts, what do I do?
Will my partner feel unsatisfied if they can’t “give” me an orgasm? Do I need to leave it to him or can I do it myself? Can I take my time?
Is my partner’s (especially his) pleasure more important than mine?
Can I take charge or do I need to surrender?
Do I need to practice safe sex here?
To ejaculate or not to ejaculate, that is the question. Is it even real? Will I be good enough if I can’t?
Am I wrong if I do/don’t want to have anal or be tied up and spanked?
What is the point of sex once my relationship is secured, the babies are born, menopause over? Where did my libido go and will it be back? Is there value in pleasure for its’ own sake?
What if I what I really want is love and this is not what it feels like? How do I talk about this without bruising my partner’s ego?
Is this the fullest expression of my sexual self, or am I wanting to explore more?
It feels like an intangible “something” is missing, can I trust this feeling, and if I do how can I find this something?
The answers to these questions are inside of us. If we allow external influences to determine how we should be we will never access our unique version of our sexual selves. Take the time to go inside and listen to that inner voice…take the time separate from sex, before, and again during sex to ask yourself questions, listen, FEEL and respect what you hear in reply. Even better, act on it. The more often we create the space to hear ourselves the easier it becomes for us to hear our inner voice. Once we know what we want from a place of greater certainty and trust it becomes easier to ask for what we want. Even better, to create it.
If you would like further opportunities to explore finding your inner voice check out the Power of Yoni Workshop here