Woman Archives - Relationship Counselling

Sexual Healing

February 11, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sexual Healing, the Myth…

As a man, and a sexual male who is in a long term and committed relationship, I find it challenging to hear and read the current debate around sexual healing by male “healers” with women.

With this in mind, I have decided to speak out as a professional who works with men and women, both singles and those in long term relationships.

Sexual Healing Sessions

I have had many sessions with men and women, both as couples and singles, and most importantly on my own or with my partner Annette.

Either way, always following up with debriefing about my experience with her.

I am also speaking from my place in my long term relationship with Annette, who is my lover, teacher, critic and business partner.

How I show up with her is my measure in how I am with a client, as it is also with her and her clients.

The relationship we share is a powerful space of deep clarity, challenge and compassion, and a gift that we both bring into our work.

We are “owner operators” in every sense of the phrase…..

Don’t get me wrong, I have on many occasions had sessions that involved varying degrees of nakedness and sexual touch.

One thing that I have not heard, in any of this “debate” around male sexual healers, is just how powerful a sexual healing experience can be for a woman, where she is fully clothed and not being physically touched.

How would it be, for you as woman to feel safe, and sexual in a way that is invited by a space that is clear, intense and healing?

Where the healing is in simply experiencing a deeply personal loving open hearted man in his sexuality, without personal agenda?

Where the opening is to herself rather than to the man, in a space held by clear masculine presence ?

“The myth is that sexual healing must involve nakedness or sexual touch, even sexual penetration”.

In fact, I believe the exact opposite is true in most cases.

Sexual Healing is not about sex

It is healing simply for a woman to be penetrated by clear masculine sexual heart presence while remaining fully clothed and not being physically touched.

In this space of not having sex, but in feeling her sexuality opening deeply as she opens her heart to herself, especially in a space held by deeply personal and loving masculine heart space.

Experiencing the difference between “universal” love and “deeply personal” love is a big part of what sexual healing is about, particularly while being held by clear healthy masculine presence, and this is not about having sex or even being sexual.

How many women have opened their hearts, only to have it quickly closed down by unconscious sex ?

Remembering, that most women have been hurt by unconscious men, and in too many cases, this masculine shadow or unconsciousness can also be cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Abuse can happen when the woman opens to the healer rather than herself and is where she may loose herself and be susceptible to being taken advantage of.

Especially when she is moving towards her sexual empowerment and freedom.

Opening to herself

Clothed or not, a woman opening to herself will soon feel and tell a man with a hidden agenda where to go with it!

Over the years through our work, I have had many conversations with men “desiring” to learn the art of sexual healing and with out exception my direction with them is to learn about their own sexual heart connection first.

How many women out there want to do something sexually empowering for themselves, but don’t want to have to bare their souls to more of the same, especially if it is even more cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Increasingly, people and particularly women have become fed up with the co dependancy that has plagued the modern Tantra movement and are expecting more depth and clarity from their experiences.

As a woman, simply trust your feelings first and foremost, and seek out a session that brings YOU in touch with your own awareness, coming into your feeling body and your heart, then from that place, connecting with what it is that you desire for yourself.

Good Girl vs The Slut

November 3, 2014 By admin Leave a Comment

The Tale of The Good Girl & The Slut

Every little girl grows up wanting to be good.

Good girls are seen as the ones who get the rewards of approval and attention. But somewhere deep inside of her there is also a desire to be bad, sometimes just a little bit bad, and sometimes this desire descends to the core of her being. I believe this desire for either goodness or its opposite (which is growing ever more common ie. see Bratz Dolls) comes from the fact that a girls authority, especially as she is growing up, comes totally from outside of her, setting her up to seek her own authority from within for most of her life. There are so many unwritten societal rules for a girl to follow that it is hard for her to understand that she has the choice to make her own way in life. These largely unwritten rules are things like being nice, going along, agreeing, smiling, make way, look nice, be pretty, know your place come at a girl daily. These rules about her code of conduct are largely based around keeping her inner power leashed, for if you look at the countries where women have the most rules to follow these are the ones where they are the least empowered. At a personal level a woman’s relationship to herself, her heart and her power are highly influenced by the relationship she has with her father, who, like it or not is still her first representation of power in life. She is impacted by whether he was physically and emotionally present, controlling, shaming or affirming. And whether he inspired, respected or overran her boundaries as boundaries are crucial to the development of the self.

For a woman having a sense of herself means listening to her unique inner voice, finding her own rules and creating a life for herself. This is especially difficult given how much of her life will be spent in service to others- vitally for her babies and young children, often her ageing parents. It still happens to a greater or lesser degree with her life partners and employers. This putting others first seems to run in a woman’s genes and is the field of consciousness in which she lives. Especially in relation to her sexual self which plays right into a girl/woman’s relationship with her good girl and her slut. For who is seen to be the baddest girl of them all? It is surely the whore or the slut. What this tells us is that the deepest seat of a woman’s power is in her sexual self- is she suppressing, controlling or subjugating, or giving herself permission to express it in all of its myriad forms? If she’s enjoying it she risks the direst label a young girl can attract- that of the slut, even in today’s apparently liberal culture. Men contribute their own part to this dynamic when they perpetuate the Madonna/Whore complex- either having a woman on a pedestal and beyond sex, or needing to see her as a whore to be able to have sex with her at all.

How does this dynamic play out in a woman’s life? There are two major opposing archetypes women fall into, either unconsciously or by choice, with light/dark versions of each. All women embody degrees of each archetype, along with further variations of those mentioned; and these can change over her lifetime. Being able to see where you are can support you in moving to where you would like to be so see if you can see yourself in any parts of the following:

The Good Girl (Light version): The one who has been supported in developing her sense of self, and is able to validate herself from within. She knows her own mind and is genuinely happy to love and nurture others without a loss of herself, without allowing those around her to drain her energy or disconnect her from her own needs and desires. She is the delightful princess who melts everybody’s hearts. She is respectful of but not fully expressed in her sexuality. The is part of the Mother Archetype.

The Good Girl (Shadow Version): The one who willingly follows the rules at a high cost to herself, in attempting to find her sense of self through giving away her all to, or seeking the attention and approval of everyone around her. She is either the wallflower in the corner scared to be seen or the one overtly gaining attention, demanding her needs be met first, and/or best. She is a prick-teaser that is disconnected from, or scared of her sexual self. This is either the Martyred Mother or the narcissistic, insecure Princess who gives the term its common interpretation.

The Bad Girl (Shadow Version): She finds her sense of self through rebelling against the rules and appears empowered but this is

often a reaction to her surroundings rather than an authentic way of being, especially where boys and sex are concerned. This leads her to act out her sexuality outside of herself, without clear emotional or sexual boundaries and giving sex as a means of getting love and attention. She sees sex as a power to control and manipulate others, either to get her needs met or keep her insecure self emotionally protected. Her sexuality can even become her identity. This is the most common interpretation of the Bad girl.

The Bad Girl (Light Version): A much rarer version of the bad girl is the woman who has no need to either adhere to or rebel against conventional society’s rules. Connected to, rather than ruled by her sexuality she is freer of self deception than most, with a high degree of self empowerment and self acceptance. She values her own emotionality and sexuality in a healthy way with clear, flexible boundaries and can fully express her sluttish self with an open heart, a heart that is as open to herself as to those she is loving or having fun with. She can play in dominant roles when she desires, and is comfortable being vulnerable. A woman playing in her Cougar Archetype is sexual from a power rather than a heart open position. The rare conscious, empowered, openhearted slut, contrary to popular opinion, is a true Goddess, especially if she empowers others along with herself.

Oztantra specializes in supporting women to become conscious and empowered in however and whoever they choose to be so contact us if you would like assistance in exploring any of these archetypes. Call 1800 TANTRA

Menopause: Suffering or Alchemy of Liberation?

May 27, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Menopause is an inevitable fact of life

Menopause is the time when a woman stops ovulating and having her period with an opportunity to explore the dynamics underlying this change. This time can be brief or can last years. Much of what is written below has been my journey, and have come out the other side…So if this is where you’re at, or are looking to be one day read on…

Seen from big picture-

Menopause for women

At a big picture level there is also a shift in how a woman sees herself at this time and who she can become once freed from the needs of her physical body that are focussed on others. She no longer has the power to bleed but retains the wisdom and power of her blood within her always. So the more intuitive state and take no prisoners attitude of the pre menstrual phase is available to her all through the month instead of just for a few days! This is why the older woman becomes invisible unless she steps into this power and becomes a force to be reckoned with!

You probably know of the much publicised symptoms that result from immense hormonal upheaval as her oestrogen drops and her system reorients itself to not having babies. For some women these symptoms are a minor blip on the radar, for others they can be totally debilitating. The hormonal changes result in a range of physical effects such as hot flushes and sweats, mental fogginess, anxiety, mood swings, dry itchy skin, hair loss, increased belly fat, sleeplessness, loss of bone density, decreases in libido, vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls which can make sex painful. To add insult to injury she may also be subjected to a higher level of vaginal infections such as thrush for a while.

A time of uncertainty and change-

She is no longer the mother as she once was (menopause often occurs as kids have left home), or now cannot be. Along with the empty nest her body is forcing her to face the undeniable facts of getting older, even of death. She may have fears around her sexuality, as along with the physical and emotional changes she also faces a lot of social conditioning around that fact that older women are not generally seen as sexual beings, although this is very slowly starting to change.

Her body is not forcing her to nurture others as it once did with so now there is more room

Inner volcano

for herself and her female psyche will challenge her to question who she is, which can bring either anxiety or a sense of freedom. It can be a time of great unknown and uncertainty. Sometimes a woman will move straight from motherhood to grandmotherhood which gives her a renewed sense of self without having to confront the question of who is she if she is not a mother?

As part of this questioning process a woman will often look to try new things for herself, to make long desired changes and seek to “sort things out”. This can involve being less available for others in the old way of putting herself last which can be challenging for those around her. Yet as she steps into her power she learns to support through empowering others as she empowers herself, rather than just “doing it all for them”.

Menopause often causes a woman to reassess her relationship, as with the children gone there is less room to hide what is, or is not working. When sex is less frequent it can be difficult for her to want to stay close and intimate to her partner as she becomes this forgetful, emotional, sweaty, and lowered libido being. But communication, intimacy and sex is what she most needs to help her stay grounded and connected as she becomes more connected with herself.

Coming out the other side-

As a result of all this searching menopause ends with a woman feeling more comfortable with who she is and where she is going- she has more of an internal locus of control- she looks to herself for answers rather than those around her. With less of a focus on others and the homefront she can be more focussed on the outside world and take an interest in local, community or world social events. If she is able to stand in her power as a well rounded, rich and powerful being rather than succumbing to the belief that for a woman to have value she must either be Hollywood beautiful or be in the role of the mother. Sex becomes less about creating babies or merely providing pleasure for the partner and more about self pleasure, sharing pleasure, fun, love and spiritual connection- a pathway for her to nurture her inner radiance.

Growing through menopause together

How you can support yourself in this time:

Become informed about the menopausal process, understand and make conscious choices for yourself- this is part of developing your internal locus of control. Understanding about menopause helps you create a life post menopause that is rich and inviting!

Physically:

Listen to your body and what it is telling you about what works for it.

Eat well- find what way of eating works for you.

Indulge in physical exercise, include working with weights to keep you active, strong and positive. Regular exercise is known to be as effective as an antidepressant!

There are huge range of hormonal, herbal and other treatments available that can support a woman through the physical symptoms but none that will “fix” it for each person. It can be a frustrating time finding what works but keep trying and develops a support system of friends and practitioners- GP, Naturopath, Counsellors, reading material etc.

Mentally:

Discover what menopause means for you, read up.

Set an intention for how you are going to journey through menopause and what you want from it.

The mental fogginess can disconnect us from our bodies so it is vital that we practice connection with it regularly to get grounded and maintain connection. Look forward to the increased mental clarity that occurs as menopause completes.

Emotionally:

Learn to listen to yourself emotionally, learn to centre and hear your own intuitive wisdom.

Take time out to nurture yourself- can be as simple as a walk, bath, massage, yoga or meditation. Dancing (even in the living room to your favourite music) is a fabulous way to meditate as you move your delicious feminine body.

Learn some emotional intelligence skills to maximize the benefit and minimize the fallout

Emotional volatility a challenge and a gift

from your emotional intensity. See your emotions as a key to learning about yourself and where you are going.

Find someone you can share with, that you can be real with about what is happening for you, and will just listen or offer support if you need it. If you don’t belong to a women’s group join one or create your own.

Find ways to communicate with your partner about what is happening for you. Keep it short and to the point so he can hear you.

Sexually:

Be willing to discuss what is happening for you sexually. Sex is challenging during menopause as we shift from being hormone or ‘horny’ libido driven to making sex a choice of conscious exploration. We simply open to our selves and our bodies, rather than having an expectation of getting what we’re used to. We choose to see what happens when we get fully present with ourselves in the sexual space. We take time to really listen to our bodies, to go slow, to breathe more fully and let our pleasure arise from a deeper place. Depending on the individual, the pleasure can be deeper, more subtle than before, but no less satisfying, just different. Whatever happens, exploring your sexuality at this time will bring you a deeper, more loving connection with yourself, and if you include him, with your partner.

Remember that having sex promotes elasticity in the vaginal tissues so having sensitive sex can help the symptoms reduce.
Introduce self pleasuring into your life if you don’t already, use it to reawaken your body.
Make time to simply explore your body’s responses to whole body touch without any expectations.
A daily 10 min attention to your gspot (either yourself or your lover) can help keep you connected to yourself and your sexuality, even opening to its spiritual dimension (without using it as foreplay, making it your time).
Try a Jade Egg to help strengthen your vaginal muscles which act as a sexual pump and will stimulate your sexual energy.
Know too that for a woman desire doesn’t necessarily come before arousal so being open to sex can allow desire to come.

As your sexuality changes, listen to your man’s fears and concerns, as this validates him in his sexuality and will help you maintain a strong connection in your relationship. Invite him to go deeper with you. Be open to trying some different things, aim for win/win solutions.

Tantric Heart space

Seek conscious sexuality practices that take sex into a place of nurture and awakening rather than performance. It also helps awaken your inner radiance and so much more! Seeking pleasure is actually part of your physical and emotional wellbeing- see more on the link below.

Spiritually:

Be open to your intuition about anything that may be driving you to “clean house” about the issues in your life, many gifts can come from this powerful time of learning about yourself.

Taking time in your lovemaking to slow down and get more present will yoursel

Other Resources:

A little about menopause for your man

Make sure you attend a Power of Yoni & The Wisdom Within Workshop, a place where you can explore the above and take some big steps towards becoming the woman you can be!

Reliable and regular support when you need it, via phone (1800 TANTRA) or skype

Getaways for you and your man to reconnect

Ecstasy & Intimacy Retreat

Understanding your hormonal picture: a sensible alternative

The importance of sharing the experience: menopause chit chat