For truly enjoyable, even inspiring Oral Sex
Forget about the best oral sex techniques you read in Cosmo or Men’s Health…
It’s not so much what or how you give and receive oral, but most importantly where you’re coming from when you’re giving it…
And, this is not another on of those “Sex Tip articles with 10 instant success techniques”….
Instead, we’re going to explore where you’re coming from when you’re going down, and how that may look…
What doesn’t work:
This lover is not actually giving you head they’re taking from you…they’re making you feel good so they can too. they want to give you such a great orgasm (whether you really enjoy it or not) that their view of themselves as a hot lover is reaffirmed. Afterwards you can feel taken from rather than given to.
The Juice Extractor:
These lovers are all about the agenda- the oral sex is for one reason and one reason only- it’s the warm up for the ‘real’ sex act of penetration. So their actions are always done with a focus of getting somewhere else that’s better and as a result they drain all the juice out of the ‘right now’ moment for both you and themselves.
The Mr or Ms Technique:
Some lovers are more sensitive but still focussed on the right techniques to get the job done rather than for the pure enjoyment of the act itself. The thing about the being totally technique based is that you can feel your lovers ‘detachment’, there is no real intimacy exchanged. No matter how good the technique is something is missing.
Mr or Ms Clueless:
This is the lover that has absolutely no idea what to do, perhaps from a lack of experience, some negative experiences or simply a fear of inadequacy. As a result they’re disconnected from their bodies and running fear based stores in their minds about what will go wrong, rather than being present with their lover.
This lover doesn’t have much idea how to go about oral love but they pretend they do and bull doze their way through, resulting in a less than satisfactory experience for both. Or they pretend they want to be there when they really don’t, with the same results.
The Do Gooder:
This is the needy or insecure lover who gives oral sex in order to get approval, love and attention from you, without which their sense of self is absent. Again, they are not really present in the act with you, they’re in their heads waiting for the love and approval to show up from you.
Your ‘Oh My God’ of pleasure is another score in the tally book for this lover who is always keeping tabs on who has given and who has received what. It may sound loving to want to keep the balance between giving and receiving equal but it ends up as a barter system with a “If you give me this then I’ll give you that” system which is anything but productive of genuine pleasure.
The Master Controller:
“I’m going to have and orgasm no matter what, I just have to try hard enough to make it happen”. This lover is desperate for pleasure and is going for it no matter what. And their mind oriented and control focussed approach will be doing two things: creating a tiring experience for the lover doing their best to support them and limiting their own capacity for pleasure. Because really big pleasure does not come from a place of mind control- nice orgasms can but the eye rolling, head back, screaming, shuddering full body and beyond orgasm comes only from surrender of the mind to the body and even the heart.
And, what good loving oral sex can look and feel like…
Any “master lover’s” oral technique starts way before they get to the coalface of their partner’s genitals. Their mindset is one of being really into pleasure, seeing it as play, joy, delight and a mutual exchange of energies.
Where giving and receiving blend into moments of pure enjoyment.
Where giving becomes receiving and receiving is an act of giving. Their focus is on letting go into the moment, surrendering their minds to their hearts and bodies, delighting in their senses.
They are not focussing on controlling their lover but offering to, teasing and savouring their lusciousness. Knowing they are making love to the whole person, not just a set of genitals.
With this approach the likely outcomes are:
The Master Oral Lover will enjoy themselves hugely and feel like they have received as much as given.
Their lover will feel seen, felt, ‘gotten’ as never before.
Technique becomes less important.
The two main techniques are:
1. Connecting with their own body first, breathing deeply, feeling their own heart and arousal, letting the love and arousal course gently through them so it will ‘resonate’ in their lover.
- For woman receiving, it is important to start as far from the centre of her genitals as possible, slowly making your way to her clitoris, or her sex centre. And for man receiving, including or connecting with his lingam or cock early, but spreading your touch away or out to include other areas to broaden his focus of pleasure and encourage his awareness of pleasure sensations through out the rest of his body.
No matter what happens later, the master oral Lover is present right now in this moment as the main event rather than the entree.
It is important for both, particularly the receiver, to focus on breathing.
While the giver is creating variety, teasing and taking time combining moving in really close with intensity then moving away again.
A master oral lover will instinctively want to include their lovers belly, thighs, breasts and butts in their touch.
As well as the pubic bone, perineum, and her outer and inner vaginal lips.
Balls and perineum for men and perhaps the anus for both (remembering hygiene if your touching your woman’s vagina afterwards).
An attentive oral lover will also intuitively feel the value of long, continued strokes when it’s feeling really good for their lover.
They make occasional eye contact, letting their lover know that they’re really with them.
They encourage their lover to breathe deeply into the pleasure, breathing short and fast for intensity and alternating with deep and slow for spreading the pleasure through their body.
Doing their own occasional pelvic floor contractions to stimulate their own sexual energy and imagine it flowing through them.
An attentive oral lover will know the value of including their hands on surrounding areas as mentioned above as well as the vaginal opening, her gpsot and the shaft of the lingam/cock.
An attentive oral lover will surrender into the moment and into their heart, which will hold and support their lover into receiving while letting go and surrendering deeper into their own heart connected pleasure.
Genital Appreciation Week…
Yes, last time we offered Breast Appreciation Week and from the response we received it sounded like a lot of people out there rose to the call- both Men & Women.
This time we’re going a little lower and inviting you to consider the art of genital appreciation.
Yes, you did hear us right, we said GENITAL Appreciation.
Think about it…we spend much time either denying or ignoring our genitals until we demand they respond big time to our desires for maximum pleasure and connection.
This focus on ignorance vs performance can leave them a little disconnected or neglected.
And if you’re into high friction sex or masturbation without conscious breathing (which maybe you aren’t if you’re here) your genitals will also be desensitized.
And believe it or not your genitals are more than just physical bits of us that wiggle, harden and flow. They are their own distinct and individual entities that can feel taken for granted, neglected or abused due to a very subtle level of awareness that you can tune into if you take the time to listen.
They will respond to your, and your lover’s love and attention and reward you with heightened sensitivity and a feeling of the sacredness that lies within them that makes making love feel more than just having sex.
So how do you go about a bit of genital appreciation?
If you are doing this with your lover you start with taking turns.
The person being appreciated lies down and exposes as much of their genitals as they feel comfortable with. The person doing the appreciation finds a comfortable position from which to view and casts their eyes on their lovers sexy bits with love and appreciation. The receiver just allows themselves to be viewed appreciatively. Then swap.
So when does it become beneficial?
When you go under the doing of the act and move into the being.
Such is the power of our sex organs they can transport us into an expanded reality if we allow them.
You have to get really, really present with yourself and with them otherwise you’ll miss it..
It can be incredibly sensual and intimate.
Giver: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your own body. Rather then using your mind to to think and judge here just experience, as if nothing else exists. Let the shape, curve, length, roundness, softness etc draw you in. Breathe into your heart and open your subtle senses, notice what happens.
Receiver: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your body. Take your attention to your genitals and think of their shape, definition without judgment. Get really, really present with them, as if nothing else exists. Observe any embarrassment and breathe into it, give it love and it will fade. Go a little deeper and ‘sense’ them, do they feel,seem open, closed, happy, neglected, appreciated etc. Ask them if they have a message for you. Don’t think it, just wait and see what comes. Then just breathe and be. Let the love in.
When the time is up thank each other and swap over.
On completion spoon together for a few minutes then share your experience. Keep your words positive and descriptive as the vulnerability can be high.
Nb. For those purists who may consider these images too “sexualized” for a “spiritual” article we believe that love and enlightenment can be achieved through the body and its sexuality, rather than being kept separate from it. It can be hard to see in this age of sex image overwhelm but underneath this truth remains. If you’re not sure then try the exercise above.
For comment or further information contact us today on 1800 TANTRA or email here
Well, if it’s not official, we’re declaring it Breast Appreciation Week!
And to do so we’re offering A Guide to Breast Appreciation for both women and the men who love them…
A Woman’s Breasts are the Pathway to her Heart
Have you as a woman ever stopped to think about your breasts? It’s very likely that your lovers have given them some undivided attention, whether it has been in lovemaking, in that hot new outfit or as you’re brushing your teeth naked in the bathroom…
Your relationship to your own breasts is a powerful indicator of your relationship to your heart, and even to yourself.
Do you think of your breasts from an external point of view? How they look, whether, as you wiggle them into their underwire or push up bra, they match up to the socially approved images? Or do you pause for a moment and remember how they may have nurtured your children? Or with a smile how they’re appreciated by your lovers and the degree of pleasure they give?
Perhaps you appreciate them for the amount of pleasure they give you? As the nipples rise to peaks of excitement, sending a direct line of pleasure to the clitoris do you see your breasts mainly as a source of pleasure, a beginning place to stimulate other parts of the body?
Do you ever relate to your breasts from inside of yourself ie. feeling them from the inside out? Do you notice how connect your breasts feel to your heart? Do you notice how when your heart is open your breasts become more sensitive, even fuller and rounder? Have you ever felt your breasts expressing the language of your heart? Perhaps you have experienced your breasts as totally numb, feeling little? This is a common occurrence as our breasts respond to where we have hardened our hearts in life. But they can be reawakened with loving touch.
Breast Appreciation Ritual
Set aside 10-15mins to fully appreciate your breasts as part of your womanly, feminine self. Let them be naked, free of restraint. Touch with gentleness and caress them with love, starting from the outside and slowly working towards the nipples. Touch with appreciation and without an agenda to make anything happen. Breathe into them and feel the feelings that arise. Imagine your heart underneath and notice the degree of connection you feel between both, without judgement. Complete with just holding them in each hand in stillness.
Notice how your relationship to your breasts, your heart and yourself can change after this simple self love meditation.
Breast Appreciation for Men
Men, know that your woman’s breasts are a gateway to her heart and her heart is the key to her fully awakened sexuality. Let her know how much you appreciate this part of her. Tell her often how beautiful they are to you. Touch them with reverence as well as lust. Start with gentle touch around the outsides, hold and feel the weight of them in your hands, touch the space between her breasts with the palm of your hand, melt it onto her heart. Slowly moving to the centre of her breasts. Move towards and away from the nipples, blow warm/cool air over them, lick, kiss, suck gently then harder. Feel your woman’s response to gauge your touch.
Nb. If your woman is breastfeeding check in with her as to the degree of touch she is open to, sometimes she can a bit of overwhelm with too much going on for them.
And ladies remember you don’t need to wait for your lover to touch them, it is OK for you to caress them in self pleasuring and lovemaking yourself, don’t miss out on this important part of your whole body arousal.
What makes Tantric Touch different to other kinds of touch?
Tantric touch is often spoken about as if it is something mysterious and special and that’s because it really is special!
Here we seek to explain how it differs from any other type of touch or massage you might receive.
Tantric Touch challenges our conditioning around pleasure
For a start tantric touch is different from others because it involves touch for purely for pleasure. Most touch we experience is for nurturing, comforting, playing or fixing sore muscles. Many of us still have negative conditioning around pleasure and this in itself takes receiving (and giving) touch for pleasure to a whole new place. For those of us who can recall being told not to touch ourselves in ways that felt good and usually “down there” by agitated grownups who, would immediately tell us this was on a good day, best to be kept private or on a bad day, we are bad or dirty for doing it. Yet how many of us continued to touch ourselves (albeit furtively) just because it felt good? When we did it was with associated guilt or shame, forever linking these two feelings with pleasure and creating much confusion in our psyche.
Some of us carry beliefs from religious, cultural or societal conditioning about pleasure not only being wrong or sinful, but it can also have scary consequences like pregnancy, disease, getting addicted or being labelled “a slut”. Or we may have been told we have to earn our rewards, or that somehow WE don’t deserve pleasure or even that it is better to give than receive.
So the very idea of receiving touch simply for pleasure can bring up any of this subconscious conditioning, leaving us deliciously excited or nervous and embarrassed. Tantric touch can be a deeply healing and loving experience, simply by the very fact that it challenges these parts that we hold in shadow.
Tantric Touch can involve our ‘Sexy bits’
In most kinds of therapeutic touch or massage the breasts and genitals are appropriately kept covered and separate. In Tantric touch these intimate parts of us are not seen as separate from the rest of the body and may be included (though this is not required), as Tantra is about moving beyond duality into union. This inclusion brings up even deeper layers of childhood conditioning for healing as mentioned above. Having said that Conscious Tantric touch can be totally delicious simply on someone’s face, shoulders, arm or leg!
There is an exchange of energy
In Tantra it is believed that we are not solid beings but vibrating energy bodies. Tantric Touch activates this energy and as it moves in the body it feels like pleasure. This energy (sex or spirit) moves between the giver and receiver so that neither one feels like they’re actually giving or receiving. The boundaries between them can become blurred, the connection deep and expanded.
We are more aware of ourselves
Tantric touch is touch without agenda, other than to be experienced fully. There is no focus on performance or orgasm, even if genitals are included. Both giver and receiver are fully in the moment and open to whatever happens. There is more space to feel pleasure, emotion, love, everything because all is welcome. In this space more thoughts can arise leading us to a greater awareness of Self, of what is going on under our surface. The challenge is to accept and let go of anything that is blocking us from being fully present.
We are not used to feeling extended pleasure
In Tantric touch there is more space for pleasure to arise without judgement. Most of the pleasure we feel either feels time limited, guilty and short lived. Or we have the desire DO something with the pleasure, to take it to some sort of completion, either orgasm or intercourse. In Tantric touch we breathe into the sensation of pleasure and enjoy it for what it is and that is all, knowing the pleasure in itself is healing, opening and nurturing in itself. We can choose to expand and prolong pleasure by surrendering deeper into our pleasure but never withholding it. This leads to an incredible sense of freedom and heightened states of feeling, connection and awareness.
We need to be fully connected to ourselves
Much regular touch is focussed on giving and receiving. In Tantric touch the focus is on ourselves as much as the other. We are fully present in the moment, breathing into our own heart and body without expectation, allowing the touch to flow rather than be technique based. The more present we are in ourselves, the more our partner will feel held and safe to surrender. Only then are we fully present with the other and simply exploring their body rather than trying to control or manipulate it.
The receiving is active
The receiver is not passively lying there being touched. They seek to open themselves to the touch by being in the moment, letting go of thoughts, of tension, resistance and any closedness in their hearts, mind and body. It is a surrender of their mind into their heart, body and soul. If emotions are felt they are received and honoured as much as pleasure.
The touch is conscious
Before touch is entered into there is a discussion and agreement about entering into this space of connection together. There is a focus on creating an atmosphere of safety and respect, with time and physical boundaries clear and without the use of ‘energetic consent’ ie. this is where the giver ‘senses’ the receiver wants something and gives or even takes without asking. This is too open to misinterpretation, if in doubt ask. Communication is vital for both partners. Remember that eye contact is a beautiful part of communication and is also a pathway for energy exchange so include plenty of it!
General Guidelines for Tantric Touch:
- Begin by centreing into your own body, mind and heart, for the more centred you are the better it will be for both giver and receiver.
- Pay attention to what your hands do as your palms and tips of your fingers are energy giving centres. Connect the energy circuit, allowing energy to move by having both hands, or some fingers from each of your hands on your partner’s body at the same time (a little like plugging the electrical cord into the socket). Move your heart energy through your hands as you touch. You can imagine this energy as a white light coming from your heart down through your arms and into your hands. Play with this, and remember where the mind (consciousness) goes the energy follows.
- Give and receive with your touch by moving your hands at a pressure and speed that creates a tingling between your hand and your partner’s skin. Experiment to get the touch right. If it feels good to you then it will likely feel good to them.
- Bring more consciousness into your touch. Let your hands energetically grow- visualize the light extending beyond your hands and fingers and into your partner’s body.
- Run energy (or light) from your right hand through your partner into your left hand, then up through your heart and out your right hand, creating a circuit of energy. Giving your mind something to focus on stops it from wandering, increasing your level of presence, and ultimately the enjoyment of both giver and receiver.
- Bring feeling and emotion into your touch: love, nurturing, compassion, as well as passion. Touch all chakras, front and back.
- Any movement or touch, even greatly pleasurable ones, will lose its sensitivity if repeated continually. When you find a good area, leave it….and visit it often. Branch outward from it to another area. Unless it is just prior to orgasm then stay consistent and see what happens.
- Always remember it is the brain which experiences the pleasure. The best techniques will give deeper results as the mind/body connection is opened. Each of the touch modalities has its Yin (soft) and Yang (firm) expression. Use both! The brain picks up more information, energy and healing when a yin stroke is followed by a yang one or vice versa.
- As you touch them invite your partner to breathe in as if they are breathing in from a pool of love just beyond their feet, up through their body and out the top of their head. Then to breathe out from the pool of love just beyond their head down and out their feet. This washes their whole body with love.
Static touch (not moving) can be exquisite.
Moving touch, short strokes, circles, long strokes, spirals, sideway strokes and triangles.
Squeezing, including kneading and pinching.
Vary speed, depth, pressure and firmness of each touch, starting with light and slow.
Always check in continually as to how the receiver is enjoying a particular touch.
If they aren’t, don’t take it personally, just move on to something else.
For more on Tantric Touch click here