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Talking About Sex: Making It Easier

May 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’re all unique when it comes to sex.

That’s why talking about sex is so important.

Here we help you explore what it is that you want actually want from sex and how to go about talking about it- outside of sex, during sex, when things aren’t working in sex, after sex, even around the children!

So let’s talk about sex, baby! Talking about sex

Even in this supposedly sexually open era few couples actually feel comfortable in talking with each other about what’s happening in their bedrooms, it’s still a very sticky subject. Sex for purely for pleasure and intimacy purposes is a pretty recent invention and it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it. In our culture, sex is used in marketing everything from alcohol to tractors, so it is not difficult to imagine the confusion that people feel in not being able to discuss it openly and honestly with their lovers. So if this is you, you’re not alone. Difficulty in talking about it is totally understandable due to the socially conditioned shame we all carry about sex, which is either supported or undermined by the underlying dynamics of your own personal history and level of relationship intimacy.

But if you want a better sex life then finding a way to get through this fear and talking about it is essential.

Here are some tips to help THAT conversation:

Going about it the right way can mean simply having a conversation about sex can be a fulfilling sexual experience.

Talking about sex makes it juicierStarting with discussing this post and exploring the bigger picture may help.

Know that Yes, it may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary but have no expectations, take some deep breaths and gently jump in.

  • Have no doubt your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you.
  • Pick a time and place with some space and privacy and especially not during sex.
  • Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you.
  • Simply owning your fear and embarrassment, admitting this is important for you and you feel unsure how to start IS a good start.

Do you see sex as one or more of these:

  • A source of love and connection, an unconditional giving and receiving?
  • A chance to de stress and relieve tension?
  • An inner exploration where learn something new about yourself?
  • A seeking of excitement and pleasure, of being on your edge?what do we do with our sexuality
  • A source of fantasy fulfilment where you act out your fantasies?
  • A fulfilment of your spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all things, the end of separation, accessing other dimensions?
  • Self affirmation through giving your partner pleasure?
  • Maintenance sex, where you like to enjoy the things you’ve found that work, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
  • A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?
  • A way to enhance your physical and emotional wellbeing through energy generation?

Discuss what you mean by your answers and try to be as specific as you can, as this helps your partner to understand where you’re coming from.

Try not to force any outcomes just make it an exploration of where you’re both at, with the mindset that taking a step back to see more clearly may take you forward in a way beyond your wildest imagination.
Don’t be afraid to admit your own fears and short comings in sex, your partner will have their own and sharing them in a nonjudgmental setting can help

Getting specific about your sex together:

  • Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier, you don’t have to make it a whole big conversation if this is too much.
  • Keep it as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
  • Begin with compliments. Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.
  • Have an intention to simply explore and understand. Rather than having an agenda of trying to get your partner to better meet your needs by telling them what they’re doing WRONG!  (It’s amazing how many people think this approach will work…have been guilty of it ourselves in the past) Your partner will feel your agenda and your judgement, they’ll start out defensive and it will go downhill from here! The outcome of a gentler and more positive approach is totally the opposite, it’s likely to be your partner wanting to serve you better with more understanding and ease between you. We cannot overstate the importance of this approach.Relationship connection
  • It’s not easy but don’t take their comments personally, their comments show more about them than you.
  • Be curious about your lover’s experience rather than judgmental.
  • Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier.
  • If you don’t know what it is that you want for yourself, try some self pleasuring and explore yourself to find out.
  • Get clear on what are your/your partner’s signals for wanting sex, and also get clear on what is NOT a signal. Talk about it.
  • Discuss what you would like more of/less of.
  • If you have any concerns, sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your lover has somewhere to go with it.
  • Share what are your ‘quickie turn ons”, what fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have them, they will be unique to us, find ones you can share.
  • Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
  • What is your end game- how do you each like to finish? What works for each of you, can you combine them?

Ask questions of each other, be curious, explore possibilities.

Speak more of what you DO want than about what you don’t want.
Express desires but make no demands here as demands have only one of two responses- resistance or submission and submission creates resentment (unless you’re really into this!)
Most likely you will have a range of desires between you, go for a win/win situation.
Approach it from the place of being on the same team with both working towards a solution.

Sex = Children = No Sex

It’s funny how the gifInner Child Meditationt of children that come from the act of sex seem to be the reason many people stop having sex after they arrive!

This is partly due to the place we keep sex in our minds- that it is private, embarrassing, naughty, dirty, or just noisy. And that kids shouldn’t know we’re doing it. It’s important to normalize sex, to make it part of family life, rather than keep it separate. It’s also vital that you’re relationship intimacy is not seen as less important than caring for your children’s needs. There is no reason why kids can’t be in the house whilst you’re making love (unless you’re wanting to get really wild and noisy, or otherwise complicated!). Open hearted pleasure that leaves you feeling great will nurture and uplift those around you as well. Talk about ‘parent time’ for loving each other or having cuddles. Set young children up with an activity to keep them occupied and if they happen to interrupt just tend to their need and come back, rather than give up or let your child get into bed with you. If you’re children are old enough to be up without supervision let them know you’re going to bed early to have some ‘connection time’ (no details needed). If you clearly hold sex in a place of importance and sacredness in yourself, your kids will do the same, even if they might smirk behind their hands whilst saying ‘Yuk’ they will ultimately highly value the positive role modelling you offer.

Talking about sex during sex:

It doesn’t have to be dirty talk (though this can add occasional spice!) but letting your partner know you’re loving what’s happening for you is a great way to build the intensity and deepen your connection, especially when done with eye connection. We all love being affirmed and this is a powerful place to be affirmed in. It can be as simple as “I’m loving that thing you’re doing with your tongue right now, it feels DELICIOUS! Oohs and Aahs are a good start but being specific (when you can engage your thoughts) incites even more energy into what is happening. Saying “I love you” with eye connection is very powerful.

Talking about what’s not working during sex:Oral sex man giving woman

  • When you’re actually in the moment keep your communication simple and direct.
  • Women generally fear speaking up about what they want but most men will love you for it if you leave the complaints out.
  • What men do fear is criticism in this tender place so rather than complaining about what is not working ask for what you do want instead. Eg. If you want a change say ‘this is ok and a little to the left would be even better!’ or ‘I’d love it if you could go a bit slower, that’s great, can you go even slower?’
  • Sometimes just taking your lover’s hand and putting it where you want it can be the most direct way.
  • Don’t expect your partner to remember every time as it can differ, just make it a habit of asking for what you want (ironically this takes the shame and frustration out of it and they’re more likely to remember).
  • If nothing is working it’s OK to pause, breathe and take the time to come back to a place of connection with yourselves and see what emerges from here. Don’t make it wrong. Don’t make your partner wrong. Don’t run away. Focus on what IS happening for you and share this ie. I’m feeling distracted, not really present, disconnected from myself, shutdown, left out, flat etc. Own this as your feeling, nothing to do with your partner (even the best technique in the world won’t get you there if you’re not available). If your partner is feeling something less than perfect don’t make it about you. As scary as it sounds stating what and allowing it to be ok can empower things to shift.

Talk after sex:

sensual couple facing each otherJust a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards. A little later there is great benefit in sharing what you experienced for even though you may have felt totally in connection with one another we still have our own uniquely personal perspective. It’s also a great way to learn more for next time. This can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you. Own your comments and speak from the heart.

Lastly, reassess your sexual map regularly, as like us, our sexual desires change over time.

If you would like any help in getting this conversation started give us a call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here

 

Friction Sex Vs Energetic Sex

March 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Understanding the difference between Friction Sex Vs Energetic Sex

If you would like to begin exploring a more deeply satisfying sexual experience then begin by understanding the difference between friction sex and energy sex.

Friction sex is about two physical surfaces rubbing against each other over and over with a build up of body tension until a peak is reached and the tension is Tantra is sex and morereleased. This is a pleasurable but ultimately limited approach as there are only so many ways and times you can do it before it becomes overly predictable and requiring more friction to get the same response as the skin becomes desensitized and numbed out. And it keeps you in your Ego Brain focussed on performance and attached to outcomes.

A word about stress relief– sex is often seen as a very effective stress reliever but if you use sex for this reason you’re short changing yourself. The pleasure you feel in the release of your stress is not true orgasmic pleasure and is much less than you are capable of. You will get much more pleasure if you can relax at the beginning of sex rather than just at the end, and we’ll show you how to do this.

Energy sex is where there is limited friction or even no friction. Where the two surfaces rub less and exchange energy between them. You can try this by experimenting with your own body. Move one hand lightly over your other arm, finding a pace and depth of touch that allows you to feel a slight buzz or tingling between the two surfaces, this is the energy exchange happening. Tantric IntimacyContinue to do so and begin taking some deeper breaths into your belly, exhaling out of your mouth. This allows your body to relax and your energy to spread as your breath is an energy driver. In energy sex you relax at the beginning rather than at the end, as energy flows better through relaxed muscles. You can see this by moving your hand hard and quickly for a few moments- how different does it feel? Go back to light, relaxed touch, move your hand up over your shoulder, through your hair, around your face and explore how it feels without any agenda other than to see what happens. You will feel your body awakening to the touch. In lovemaking the same thing will happen to your whole body, brain and beyond, and to your partner’s as well as it opens up the spontaneous, creative, pleasure feeling part of your brain that has no agenda.

If you’re wondering by now does this mean the end of other types of sexual experiences from the quickie in the broom closet to playing with vibrators, watching porn or experimenting with full array of naughty sexual possibilities then of course the answer is not at all. It simply means if you bring these empowering heart opening tools into other types of play they’ll be even better.

Feeling Through Sexual Numbness

March 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

There’s a big, dirty secret out there.

One that is subtly reducing the amount of lovemaking that’s happening in relationships.sexual numbness means marriage malaise

We’re having less sex than ever before and why is this so?

We’re becoming sexually NUMB!

This sexual numbness means that when we DO get around to making love- after we’ve finished work, looked after the family, attended to all the really important things in life our sexual pleasure often just isn’t that inspiring. Making it a long time before we make it a priority again.

What are we saying?

Our bodies can lose their capacity to feel huge pleasure and even begin to feel lots of nothing- this is known as sexual numbness and it is unknowingly ruining sex lives around the world.

Here we talk about why this happens and what simple step (and some more time invested ones) you can take to help your bodies learn how to reawaken and really feel.

This is some of what the lucky couples coming to our Couples Retreat this weekend will be learning and enjoying the benefits of.

What is Sexual Numbness?

Sexual Numbness happens because of something called body armouring.body armouring causes sexual numbness

It’s the body’s response to feeling hurt and pain- it literally toughens up.

There are 3 main reasons for this:

  1. We shutdown or avoid our emotional feelings. This seems a good short term choice but over the long run it doesn’t work. Our feelings (including our sexual feelings) are all energy and when we shut down one, we shut down all of them. We can’t avoid sadness and feel joy, avoid shame and feel bliss, or avoid anger and feel passion. We might think we do but these feelings become a mere echo of what we’re really capable of.

 

2. Our hearts become armoured from unresolved emotional wounding. When we’ve been hurt and haven’t known how to heal we logically go into protection mode to prevent further injury, like putting several coats of Armor All on our hearts. The armouring makes our hearts look shiny on the outside but leaves them hardened within and less available for anything new, depriving ourselves of new opportunities for love that come our way.

 

Your sexual power lives within your body3. The same thing happens to our genitals- they become armoured because of sexual wounding. And sexual wounding isn’t limited to sexual abuse… sexual wounding can happen simply through “doing” or having “unfeeling” sex. The current pornographic model of sex, sadly our most common teacher, is focussed on the “doing”, and on what sex looks like because porn is a visual medium. Rather than focussing on what it might actually feel like which is what we are actually interested in.  Over time this hard and fast porn style thrusting by under prepared genitals just creates sexual numbness.

 

Believe it or not the tissues of our genitals are very sensitive- this is their original nature. This is a GOOD thing because sensitive genitals need a lot less attention to feel amazing. Remember back when you were teenagers and a mere touch was enough to send you into orbit? Over time a “doing” or “stimulating” type of sex leaves our genitals numb, making it harder for them to feel anything much at all. This results in fewer orgasms, reduced overall pleasure, weaker erections and a decreased libido.

 

The way to bring our bodies back to life is to “do” less and “feel” more:

 

  • Breathe deeply when you’re making love. Deep and slow breathing awakens and spreads your pleasure through your whole body. Short, fast breathing stimulates your pleasure to a peak- but if the pleasure isn’t there to start with you’ll short change yourself so begin with deep and slow.
  • Give yourself permission to make sounds, as to make sound we set up a vibration in the body which can help energy move, even little sounds can help start the process.
  • Instead of “thrusting’ your hips like a porn star, which tightens the muscles in your butt, hips, thighs and pelvic floor try “rocking” your hips, which relaxes and open these same muscles. Pleasure flows through relaxed muscles so this is definitely the way to go!Tantric Intimacy
  • Try some short, deep thrusts, instead of relying only on full length in and out thrusts (which are better for the visual shots in blue movies but which become a bit boring at home). When you’re in deep only pull back only 2 or 3 cms at a time.
  • Take some time outside of sex to gently massage each other’s genitals, with plenty of oil and without any sexual agenda other than to resensitize them. Ie. with no focus on arousal. If you can really surrender to it (and breathe fully) it feels amazing and will re-energize  your genitals in surprising ways.
  • Connect eyes when you’re making love- this definitely brings up the feeling factor.
  • To awaken further try some sexual healing for women and for men.
  • If, in the intimacy of lovemaking you feel pain or closed-ness in your heart, feel it and also share about it with your lover. This helps you take a few coats of Armor All off your heart and open it to more love. Yes it can be raw, but raw is the new sexy!

If you’d like to know more an experience some of this for yourselves take a look at our next weekend coming up in Sept 2017

Women are not losing interest

March 9, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Women are not losing interest in bed…

They’re losing interest in the sex they’re having…

There is much said about lack of feminine libido in the world these days.

Yet when we we get a bit closer to women and hear what they really have to say it is not sex they’re losing interest in.

It’s more that they are losing interest in in the sex they’re having- disconnected, performance based sex.

Sex that is not a shared experience.

Sex that is not pleasurable, that is even painful.

Sex that leaves them feeling like a semen receptacle.

Women are as caught in this conditioned way of having sex as men are but are more fed up and wanting something different.

Women generally are interested in mutually connecting, equally pleasurable and deeply satisfying, even magical lovemaking.

This is the sex they will find the time and motivation for. And why wouldn’t they?

Women are looking for connection

There can be many reasons behind why a woman’s libido has gone out to lunch but here we’re going to focus on the aspect of connection.

Women are not losing interest in connection, and will only do so when hell freezes over…

Men want connection too.

Yet don’t we connect through the very act of sex, through two bodies becoming joined into one?

Well, yes. But this is only the most basic layer of connection.happy oral sex lover

There is more…

It’s where we are inside of us that takes connection to a whole different place.

It’s starts with how connected are we to ourselves.

If we’re stressed, worn out, living in our heads, not feeling our emotions, living in unused bodies then the sex we’ll have will have a minimum of connection.

 

So how do we get more connected?

 

Say YES to this part of yourself.

Your body listens to what your mind says and the more you say YES to it the more it will say YES to you! (The opposite is also true and you don’t want that!).

Recognise that you are a sexual being and take ownership of it.

Make the time to put some physical exercise into your life, awaken your body through brisk walking, taking the stairs, playing sport, bike riding, yoga, gardening anything to get your blood pumping, your muscles working and your energy moving.

And remember to stretch afterwards to keep your body supple and give the energy room to move.

 

Practice breathing.

Yes, we know you’ll be doing it anyway, but why not optimise it by regularly taking deep, full breaths into your belly, expand up into your chest and then just let go (preferably exhaling out through your mouth)!

Ah, it feels SO good. Breathing optimises your body’s energy levels so make the most of it anywhere, anytime!

You’ll be so glad you did.

 

Put your attention inside your body and experience what you’re feeling inside you.

You know what the biggest resistance people have to feeling their feelings? They don’t like what they find!

If you can let go of any negative judgements about what you’re feeling and just feel, breathing into your feelings (whatever they are) turns them into energy for living and loving.

 

Do something sensual with your body.

Put on your favourite sensual songs and move to them, feel their chords moving through and uplifting you.

Or stroke your body all over in a way that feels good to you (yes, even guys benefit from this), including your breasts and your butt (guys too).

 

Moisturise your body with oil or lotion.

Anoint yourself with your The Oral Sex Juice Extractorfavourite essence.

Slowly eat something raw and bursting with vitality like a juicy peach or a fresh salad.

Appreciate something visually beautiful, whatever grabs your attention.

Find something to be grateful for and feel it opening your heart.

 

Do something sexy.

Wear something that has a sensual feel, looks good or moves with you.

Show a bit of cleavage, bare shoulders or legs.

Go without knickers.

Flirt with your partner, have some fun with yourself.

Don’t focus on your partner’s reaction, focus on having a good time in yourself, this way you can’t lose!

Watch a sexy movie.

Take it up a notch and self pleasure, taking time to breathe your energy through your body, nurturing and energising you.

 

Lighten up about life…Enjoy all of this for yourself!

The more you own your own body and the pleasure it is capable of the more you will experience it.

Fill yourself up with how good it feels.

sensual couple facing each other

Invite your lover to share you.

Let them feel your wanting.

There is nothing more desirable than feeling desired (when the desire is clear and not manipulative).

Get together and drop into the here and now moment. Just look at each other and take a few breaths, feeling your own bodies.

 

As we always say, sex is better when you relax at the beginning rather than just at the end.

Don’t react from those tired old sexual habits you’ve been using, instead just wait to see what inspires you right now and go from there.

The more you live in each moment the more the next step will arise. And the more authentic and juicy it will be!

 

When you feel sexual desire, breathe it up through your body to your heart, either along your spine or straight up through your centre.

Or take it right up to your Third Eye.

Where your mind goes your energy will follow. Female Sexuality

Feel it energising, nurturing, opening and expanding you.

Be open to magic happening.

Not all sexual pleasure is about orgasm.

 

We can also experience other felt senses such as feeling at one with our lover or the universe;

feeling the sky, the sea or all of nature inside our bodies;

sensing that you’re somehow standing at the beginning of time itself;

seeing the earth appear inside your lover’s eyes.

If you open to your potential by being fully in your body you’ll activate your intuitive mind where all sorts of things can happen.

Does this feel like sex you would both be interested in?

If you would like support putting these suggestions in place or removing blocks to doing so email us or call 1800 TANTRA.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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