Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that sex after 50 needs to be a distant memory!
Many studies have shown that humans are interested in sex well into their 80’s, it’s just in our youth obsessed culture we ignore this intriguing possibility…
Sex changes as we get older, and that’s all because if we change with it, sex will become even better as we get older…
At 57 years of age, whenever I’ve had sex and I look in the mirror I think “Wow, you’re looking great!” My eyes are huge and luminous, my skin radiant, my body relaxed and sensually alive. I not only look good, I feel pretty good too.
Even though I have to admit my libido is not what it used to be. It very much comes and goes.
But what IS always there is what I call the ‘grown up’ factor. This is the part of me that recognizes even if I don’t ‘feel horny’ at the thought of sex, I always have the choice to make it happen.
Getting Into The Driver’s Seat
This is the difference between having sexual desire driving me, and me driving my sexual desire. This is the difference between hormonal driven ‘youthful sex’ and the choice driven sex that can happen once the hormonal flush is over.
Part of me, and of most people I speak to, still longs for the effortless ‘horniness’ that allows sex to ‘just happen’. I liken it to the part of me that sometimes longs for someone bigger than me to take charge, someone that will cook dinner when I come home late or will come up with a sensational new idea I’m after. It’s that part of me not willing to take full responsibility.
Once I recognize what is going on I can drop it. For of course, I can take charge in my own life and want to do so.
Saying YES to Sex!
This is what happens with our sex lives. As we move out of hormonal driven desires we need to take responsibility for what we can create in our sex lives. WE need to say YES to sex before it will say YES to us.
When we do say YES, our sex drive will show up even better than before. To want the many benefits sex can bring. (see benefits of sex article)
When we say to our partners “I would really like to make love with you tonight” and remember delicious times from the past and have an open mind about what can be created right now great things can happen.
Rather than sex being a rush to orgasmic relief, each moment can be a choice to feel, to breathe, to be fully in our bodies, fully in the moment, to be present to the opportunities arising.
To start by just holding each other and relaxing.
To drop any agendas about what sex ‘should’ look like and go with what is.
To be willing to take your time.
Breathe and pc squeeze.
To love wanting the feel of aliveness and connection inside us that great lovemaking can bring.
To be right here now.
To be willing to trust that desire will arise given an atmosphere of trust and understanding.
Confident enough to be intimate, vulnerable and open.
With more of ourselves to reveal than ever before.
Less drive, more skill and so much more to discover!
If you would like some support to upgrade your lovemaking skills to make the most of getting older sex contact us about an Ultimate Couples Getaway, a chance for you to chill out in a beautiful beach or rainforest location whilst your very own bedroom specialists come right to your very door and respectfully (clothes on) lead the way!
Here we outline a few of them:
Having sex also boosts your libido and your sexual desire. It reminds your body just how good it can feel and makes it want more. So if it’s been a while for you don’t stress about it just get started and believe it will get even better as you practice more.
including prostate massage (massaging the area between the balls and the anus, or internally on the prostate itself) in your love play is even better than overly focussing on ejaculation. Prostate massage helps spread sexual energy through the body rather than just releasing it through ejaculation. Having sex helps to balance your hormones, increase the blood flow, elasticity and lubrication of your vaginal walls sex is an important addition to your menopause management (whilst boosting your libido along the way).
Look Better and Get Smarter!
assume it is almost impossible to have one without the other! Many a great book, movie or song is testament to this fact. In the early stages of relationship, before a deep level of trust has developed, or to spice things up in a flat spot, a little bit of jealousy can be a good thing. A twinge of uneasiness whilst seeing your partner across the room chatting enthusiastically to an attractive member of the opposite sex can instantly create a spurt of desire for them in yourself! But jealousy over the long term is a gut churning, painful misery, where trust and happiness seem like a distant memory. The truth is this is saying much more about YOU than your partner. Here we look at how jealousy in ourselves can be a tool for learning rather than suffering.
Here we are not attempting to excuse our partner if they’ve been behaving in an inappropriate manner, just to understand what we can do with the hurt we’re experiencing.
partner to stop doing what it is that makes us jealous, or for what has happened to make us jealous not to have happened. Both these things are outside of our control so here we focus on what we can control.
Despite what we see in porn it is normal in real life sex for erections to come and go (other than when you’ve come and gone for all money…) It’s NORMAL. Porn has put some unrealistic expectations out there, making it seem like erections need to be rock hard and constant. However, in porn the use of Viagra is rife, along with what are called “fluffers”, people employed to help get a male porn actors erection back when it drops and where, when erections are lost the filming is simply cut and edited to appear there is no pause. Making love is a real life event, and like nature, there are ebbs and flows within it. Especially when we stop performing and get more present and more real.
intensity and weight lifting kind), eat enough vegetables, drink plenty of water, minimize your sugar, smoking and alcohol intake? When was the last time you had a checkup with the Dr? Strong links have been found between men who don’t exercise, and who have high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes so rule these out or get them treated. Also some medications for high blood pressure, depression, pain relief and allergies can cause erectile problems so if this is you ask your Dr for a different kind of treatment. If you knew your cock depended on it, would you be willing to make some healthier lifestyle choices??
with your anger- express it, suppress it or be healthy in it? When was the last time you took time out for yourself or had a holiday? Are you doing a job you love or merely existing? What are you passionate about these days? When do you have fun? How do you see yourself as a man? All vital questions.
using sex to unconsciously release your emotional “stress”? Are you goal focussed, getting it up and heading straight for the end result before collapsing into sleep? Do you believe that having a long, strong erection is all your lover is looking for from you? Are you using porn to feed your desire with fantasy? Do you masturbate regularly with a “get it up and over and done with’ approach?vIf you’re doing any of these things it’s because of how you’ve been conditioned by society to go about it. Understand that each of these methods are going to take you away from a fully realized sexual potential (and a more powerful erection) and need to change. Slowing down, being less goal focussed, dropping porn for a few months, performing less and feeling more in yourself will change your experience of sex. Take more deep breaths. Be willing to be vulnerable, let your heart open. All things you might have wanted to avoid in the past but your body is telling now is the time…
One of the most common ways of managing a loss of or inconsistent erection is the use of Viagra. There is no doubt that Viagra will give you more of a reliable erection. However, if you focus on great sex being all around your erection then you’re missing a big part of what making love is all about. We have spoken at length elsewhere about men’s sexual potential and how having a deeper relationship with both your cock and your heart (remember the heart disease and erectile dysfunction link?) will enable you to build new life into your erections without the use of chemicals.
Give it a rest for a few minutes, relax and see if it comes back of its own accord. In the meantime spend the time connecting with your lover, either offering them your touch with your hands and/or tongue. After a while you can self pleasure to see if your erection wants to come back. Even better, just be in total stillness and deep breathe, connect with the inside of you. Notice any feelings that might be there and give yourself permission to feel them. If nothing is there experience nothing, in doing this nothing can subtly become something wonderful, as it gives time for our hearts to open and deeper levels of consciousness to be experienced. You can also become more aware of the finer feelings of sexual energy moving between you.
anus, under which your prostate, the seat of your male sexuality lives. This tension builds up so slowly over time that often you don’t even know it’s there. It can lead into a form of genital numbness directly affecting your sexual performance. So get into the habit of massaging these areas as part of your sexual health maintenance. Start gently if they’re painful, or more firmly if they’re numb to loosen and free up the tension here. Spread your legs, pull your knees up, turn your toes outward all help you to get in there. Using oil can be more effective and more comfortable. Massage oils, coconut, almond or even olive oils are fine. Invite your lover to massage you as part of your love play.
very own). Instead of telling it what to do try to listen to it for a change. Take your attention to it, hold it in your hands, breathe and really feel into it. It will let you know what it needs to release this blocked hurt. Often it just wants to be felt and heard.
