Becoming a mature sexual male is more than just being able to have sex…
In this journey of divorce, business closure and bankruptcy, I have totally lost who I thought I was, became penniless, a nothing, a nobody, yet this is where I discovered myself. My protection in finding this part of me (or all of me) protected a part of me that I suspected existed, my shadow, but couldn’t connect with. My walls protected that part of me that was sexually abused, physically abused and the hardest of all, emotionally abused. My shadow.
A year of challenges
2013 was a year that I do not want to repeat, yet it was a year for me that gave me lots of “firsts”. Going deeper into my pain and fear was challenging, scary and free falling, as in this place, there is no safety net. For the first time in my working life, I worked a full year as an “employee”, and at the “bottom of the food chain”. Not being in charge or as a business owner but as a plant operator.
This in itself may sound insignificant, but every day introduced new challenges, new experiences in being an employee. This challenged my supervisors quite intensely and it forced me to rely on who I am, as apposed to what I am. This work introduced me to this lesson every single day.
Sexuality was the deepest challenge
My journey into my sexuality has been my biggest challenge, as this is where my deepest wounding resides. This wounding has been my daily companion and belief for 55 years, and my reality was I have never known any difference. I also knew part of me was struggling to stand up in this place, yet I was unable to find direction.
Over the last 15 years, my mission and life purpose never deviated. I never lost sight of my life purpose, but couldn’t reconcile what was happening in my heart. This was my daily reality and consumed huge amounts of life force, to the extent that it was a relief to lose my business and declare bankruptcy. This gave me space to stop and connect with what really was happening for me.
My body “knew” what had happened, but being continually told “don’t be ridiculous” ripped my heart apart. This was the hardest piece to deal with, my body screaming something out to me, and being told the exact opposite, or “there is something wrong with you”.
2013 was the year I came face to face with all these demons, and specifically how they controlled every moment of my life.
2013 was the year that I learnt the true meaning of ease and how to give it to myself.
2013 is the year I truly owned my healthy masculine heart sexual connection as my full body experience, and my right.
2013 is the year I own that I have earned the right to stand up and be who I am as a man, a sexual man and a man who lives from his heart.
2014 is my year for standing up in who I am, in my right to claim this for myself and who I am in my a life of loving relationships